Ashley Good is the Founder of The 90 Day Achievement Detox and Elite Coach to Fearless, Driven and Awakening Executives & Business Owners.
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I recently spoke to a client in his early 40s who spent the better part of 30 minutes describing his current reality as “challenging,” “a drag,” “not fun,” “torturous” and “trying.” He complained about not working, not getting unemployment, not getting enough money from the government and not getting the respect and reciprocity he felt he deserved from a “higher up.” Finally, he blamed his parents for his relationship problems with his spouse.
I then learned he had spent every day of the past two months at the beach, swimming in the ocean, surfing, getting out on boats, playing tennis, playing golf, going to barbecues and being gifted two different week-long vacations, enjoying the company and generosity of his friends and family. He had perfect health, great friends and strong family support and had essentially been handed a lifestyle on a silver platter that most people only dream about. Yet, he was focused on what he wasn’t getting, what he felt entitled to receive and who was to blame. How much did he focus on what he might have given others during this “downtime”? A sum total of zero. It was all about him, and it was like listening to someone complain that they’re living in a million-dollar house instead of a $5 million house.
When I speak to a client for the first time, I can determine their capacity for success in the first five minutes by their attitude, outlook, what they’re choosing to focus on and what meaning they’re making of their current perceived reality. Some people will always hone in on something to complain about, no matter how abundant their life. They will always direct their focus to their perceived lack, and they will always find a way to make everything about themselves. As a result, they don’t experience a lot of success, happiness or abundance, and when they do, it tends to be short-lived and not sustainable. They suffer, and then they blame other people for their suffering.
Other people live from a state of gratitude. Living from a state of gratitude is vastly different than simply saying the words “I’m grateful” and then resuming focus on what’s available to complain about. People who live in a grateful state don’t tend to say the words “I’m grateful” any more than A-list celebrities walk around saying “I’m famous.” They simply are.
In the 12 years I’ve been coaching, I’ve worked with enough clients to put together nine guidelines for success that apply not just to professional success but to success in general, as a human that other humans want to be around:
1. You and only you are responsible for your outlook and behavior. You are not 50% responsible in a relationship. You are 100% responsible for how you show up.
2. If you’re telling a story about how bad things are and it’s true, but it’s not helping you, stop telling it. Tell a different story instead. The worst stories in the world are ones that are true and aren’t helping you.
3. Don’t say “I’m grateful.” Be grateful.
4. You are not entitled to your complaints and suffering any more than you are entitled to win the lottery.
5. Being an adult requires acknowledging that your parents did the best they could and are no longer responsible for any lack you are experiencing in your life. You don’t need to spend a lifetime forgiving them. Do it once, move on and grow up.
6. Famous author and motivational speaker Zig Ziglar (1926–2012) once said, “You will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.” That’s true. Focus a little less on getting and a little more on giving.
7. Be solutions-focused. If you don’t like what you’re experiencing, change your perspective or change your process, but do something to change it. It’s not up to anyone else to make things happen for you.
8. Own your mistakes without pointing out everyone else’s mistakes. Rise to the occasion of your own humanity and become someone who is fully self-accountable and self-responsible.
9. Be trustworthy. Don’t talk about people behind their backs, remember that “white lies” are still a form of dishonesty, respect boundaries and take actions that are consistent with your words.
I understand that some people have a tendency to downplay their abundance because they don’t want to appear boastful, or they have a fear that if they speak of their good fortune, it might be taken away or they have deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. Regardless of where they came from, these are all ultimately selfish perspectives that perpetuate victimhood and don’t help you or anyone around you. It’s time to change that story and start showing up like the person you think others should be. Be the change you want to see in the world.
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