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Since Daniel Goleman published in 1995 his worldwide hit on emotional intelligence exposing the idea that the ability to understand and manage emotions significantly increases our chances of success, the world is less and less about being intelligent and more and more about being clever. Fair enough. There is hope for all us, poor kids, who were just average on the IQ tests performed at school to help us decide whether to choose sciences (for the intelligent ones) or humanities (for all the rest).
We all want to be likable. We all now know that we have to be likable to be successful. And that the more likable we are, the higher the chances to be successful we get. So the paradigms of psychology and education have been shifting from a knowledge-based to a competencies-based approach to the world. Despite we all keep going to University and force our kids to do so (where are you going without a title?), we run a desperate race to achieve the so-called soft and transversal skills, or all those competencies apart from knowledge, that makes us being not just content-wise but resolutive, practical, adaptable and able to lead and perform successfully.
Emotional intelligent people have "all those things they need" to recognize, understand and manage their own emotions as to recognize, understand and influence others emotions. But have someone already collect an agreed a list of what "all those things" means in practical terms? Emotional intelligent people think about their feelings and know how to control them for their betterment. They are supposed to be authentic, demonstrate empathy, praise others, help others, keep commitments, accept feedback and criticism and so on and so on...
What should we really start with having in mind that emotional intelligence is nothing but just a list of things to check or exams to pass? Where can I start when I don't have time to read books, perform EQ tests or develop new skills?
Let's become likable again! Like kids. Like when indeed, everybody liked us not just because we were cute and innocent but because our scarce first words and habits were powerful and full of meaning. Emotional intelligent people are aware of the power of common sense and those small and basic things that make a significant and meaningful difference. They base their daily human interactions on three very famous words.
1. Sorry
If indeed it is all about mastering our own and others emotions, acknowledging our part on things and being sorry about it when needed, is the basis of all basic skills. Emotional intelligent people say sorry. Quite often. Many times, because they have played a negative role in a conflict. Other times because someone has to be first. And usually, there is no emotional intelligent purpose in being right. Being right makes people own certain feeling of victory and superiority but do not make them necessarily happy. And surely, in many occasions does not make people around them happy. Saying sorry when we did wrong is a definite must, but saying sorry when the event requires it, even when others should be much more sorry than us, is in many cases the emotional intelligent choice. Saying sorry does not make you weaker as many may think. It is a real proof of self-mastering, open-mindedness, and a lifelong approach to things. Choosing to say sorry is the most precise way to tell people "we think different, but I care about your thoughts", "I didn't really mean to hurt you", "I don't know the way yet but I want to work this out" or "we are more worthy than this". There is no way, sorry would not make people feel positively attired to you!
2. Please
Small things matters. Is by mastering little things that we get to conquer the big ones. It is on the small things that we show we care. By using this magic word, we strengthen our emotional intelligence by doing the exercise of realizing how much we are relying on others to accomplish what we need to get done. Please, is not just a norm of courtesy. It is the best and most straightforward way to make people feel valued for what they are and what they do. Emotional intelligent people know that you have to give respect to get respect and you need to show consideration and care to build trust and appreciation. Including 'please' with your requests communicates a genuine sense of awareness about the value of others and the value of what those others bring to our lives. While helping to develop your own character, it helps to build strong relationships based on solid foundations that do not go away at the first blow. Please means 'I respect you, your things, your advice, your being.' Please means, I value you, your things, your advice, your being. I acknowledge you can bring something positive to my life, and I want it because it is good for me.
3. Thank You
Thank You can be an equivalent for many of all those peoples' motivators that make them better, do better and absolutely feel better. When you say Thank you, others can understand ' I hear you,' 'I care about what you have to say, and I find it of value.' When you say, Thank You others can read, 'You are right. I am not the smartest person in this room, and your contribution is making things better. I can learn from you'. When you say Thank You, the other person receives an "I know you are not in your best but everything is going to be okay. Your wellbeing know is what matters the most. I feel very grateful for you making an effort to make it happen despite this all". Thank you, above all, shows appreciation, what strengthens peoples' will for self-improvement and excellence.
Time to put it into practice!
