There are many different versions of emotional intelligence, along with varying definitions and attributes. In short, emotional intelligence is a combination of self-awareness and self-regulation that affects motivation, social skills and empathy.
When it comes to coaching, emotional intelligence is essential. When both parties have a high degree of self-awareness and self-regulation, communication flows smoothly, allowing coaching to be facilitated successfully. On the other hand, low emotional intelligence can serve as an inhibitor to those receiving coaching if they lack self-awareness or are highly resistant and disruptive.
The purpose of this article is to provide a framework of how emotional intelligence can be developed and used to improve coaching and coaching conversations.
Emotional Intelligence And Self-Awareness
First, it’s imperative we understand one fundamental thing when we’re coaching people. There is a receiver (person being coached), and there is a giver (the coach). Both parties in a coaching relationship play important roles, and emotional intelligence development can serve both parties well. First, the coach who demonstrates a high degree of emotional intelligence will be received extremely well. Second, the person being coached will be more likely to develop emotional intelligence and improve performance and behaviors.
Emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. Very few people walk into the boss’s office and share that they are resistant or adverse to change or are a bad teammate. They may know this deep down, but that is not in their awareness yet. The number one job in coaching is to help them build awareness so they can ultimately take action.
Often, managers will give feedback. And often, that feedback seems to fall on deaf ears for one fundamental reason: The person being coached has not fully looked in the mirror.
Emotional Intelligence And Self-Regulation
The second area of emotional intelligence usually serves as the barrier, and that is self-regulation. Self-regulation is the ability to control and manage disruptive impulses and moods; it's the ability to suspend judgment and to think before acting.
If managers and coaches demand that someone change without first facilitating self-awareness, and if you combine this with their tendency to dysregulate (e.g., be defensive or disruptive), any sort of development can go by the curbside.
There is no order of steps in helping clients or employees develop emotional intelligence, but I would encourage first helping them build self-awareness while coaching to self-regulation.
Here are some quick tips to get started:
- Use observational coaching: Have the person being coached observe someone who demonstrates the desired skill or behavior. Have them journal their observations. This builds awareness outside of coaching sessions.
- Soft 360 discussions: Facilitate employees talking with one another, asking soft questions such as "Where do you feel I have an opportunity to engage more as a teammate?" and "What are two ways you might suggest I insert myself more as a cooperative teammate?" The key is to have the questions written out with rules for answering so it does not become negative.
- Read and reflect: One of the most powerful things to do is to find motivational material and have people read it and answer insightful questions such as "What did you learn about yourself you are committed to improving?"
If you have someone with a negative attitude, as an example, the tendency is to want to fix it. After all, it's getting in the way of so many other goals. We cannot simply tell this person to get rid of their negative attitude. If it were only that easy! The key is to reframe attitudes with self-actualized questions such as "What will you do to successfully [fill in the blank]?"
Let's look at some other examples where it's clear both parties lack emotional intelligence. Let's say we have an aggressive manager who is not very empathetic and manages through directives and without much conversation. The employee the manager is working with is resistant and not aware of their own resistance.
Fundamentally, this is like two ships passing in the dark. We have a manager focused on the issues, and we have an employee who is lacking self-awareness. How would they ever become aware of what they need to personally do to reach better outcomes?
The key is to start understanding who we are.
If you are a coach or leader, take time to ask questions not only of yourself, but of the people you are coaching. Inspire reflection in those you work with by asking questions and facilitating an open environment. This will create a space that will lead to greater emotional intelligence and better workplace coaching conversations.
