There is a simple yet very effective strategy to get everyone at your conference table to reach an agreement. Provide food and drink. The process of eating together, commensality, can work wonders.
As Buster Benson writes in his book, Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement, "Eating together makes it easier to digest the inevitable disagreements that rise up." Benson writes that providing food and drink during discussions "forces a natural limit to the conversations and disagreements that spark."
Benson describes the dinner table as a "soothing, neutral setting in which to host difficult conversations that would be ten times worse if approached in other venues. So maybe there is a reason why Thanksgiving meals can result in political disagreements. It could be that during these meals, people feel comfortable discussing things that otherwise, to paraphrase Benson, would fester under the surface and never get resolved.
Benson writes, "There's something tribal and inclusive about eating food together." He mentions that enemies rarely share a meal together, except when there is a reconciliation. So why not start by providing food from the beginning of your negotiations.
There is also somewhat of a debt owed to the person that has provided food. Showing gratitude towards someone who has provided food is a societal norm that occurs in almost every culture. Providing food during a meeting that involves negotiations can help soften an unfriendly or even hostile stance. If you are hosting the meeting as a neutral party, supply the food and drink.
When people are hungry and thirsty, they usually become less friendly. A change in blood sugar can make people who were reaching a settlement become people who nitpick on details or quit altogether. When people walk out of negotiations, becoming hungry or thirsty may have pushed them to the breaking point.
Providing food to the people at your conference table also shows that you are invested in them, and invested in making sure everyone's basic needs are met - both caloric and business-wise. Its an investment in the people you are working with in order to reach, hopefully, mutually agreeable terms.
At collaborative divorce team meetings, where spouses meet with their attorneys, a neutral mental health professional, and a financial professional to work out agreements regarding time-sharing and property division, providing food and drink to the parties is standard practice. A mix of healthy foods, like fruit and vegetables, and comfort food, like cookies and brownies, can be offered. It's important to take into account any dietary restrictions or allergies.
When people are having major disagreements, especially when there is a power differential, sharing food can "level the playing field." Everyone enjoys good food, regardless of social or financial standing. And engaging in "breaking bread" together, which we have done for thousands of years, brings people together as a collective "we," rather than an "us" and "them." Archaeologists have discovered that in medieval Norse culture, feasting together was a way to bridge social standings, form political bonds, and invest in the local economy.
Eating together can improve work-group performance, according to a study of firehouses in a large city. The researchers write that commensality is both "mundane and powerful." The benefits of eating together also include increasing collaboration amongt people that otherwise might not share space, and increasing productivity.
The next time you have negotiations or mediation, provide food and drink. Again, ask about dietary restrictions and any food allergies ahead of time. Negotiations can be quickly derailed when food presented at the table is offensive to a participant or participants.
When you provide food and drink to the parties of a negotiation, you may see a marked change in how people relate to each other and how they approach the negotiation process. Everyone wins.
