Don't be a rescuer: If you've heard someone is a bully or an egomaniac, that's because they are, ... [+]
When the sign clearly said "Dangerous Animal - Hyena - Do Not Come Close" I could never understand why someone would poke their hand through the bars. It seemed so crazy, reckless, self-destructive. They invariably got their fingertips bitten off. It happened to my school friend Martin, on a class outing to the Zoo. Yet, in my professional life, before I trained as a coach, I used not to be able to resist. Working with people who had a reputation for being 'difficult' was what I did. On purpose. More than once. When I came across a stubborn, combative, self-righteous person whose flaws had gained them a reputation as a bully or a credit-stealer- the 'dangerous animals' of the TV world, I often felt compelled to rescue them.
That's right, I knew they were dangerous. I also saw they were trapped or broken. Part of me even believed that working with Jerks could be rewarding. Read the piece I wrote about Working With Jerks
My compunction was no different from those fools who poke their fingers into the Hyena enclosure. Yes, I understood other people in the past had been bitten to blood, but surely, my ego told me, I possessed the necessary strength, skill, and courage to tame and possibly even free this poor creature.
You already know how the story ended. I got some fingertips bitten off and the difficult, broken person, went on to bite other proud fools, just like me.
Before you start feeling too smug, ask yourself this: Would you ever hire someone partly because you felt sorry for them? Say they were whip-smart and had failed in middle age to realize their potential? Perhaps they were super-creative, but somehow seemed to have alienated others? It could just be that they seemed supremely able, but their personal life was a mess, perennially single and living with their parents?
What if you were tackling your not so unconscious bias against, say, older people, or fat people, and the candidate in question was as intellectually brilliant as they were personally unappealing?
How about if they'd come recommended by someone you respected, who you didn't realize at the time had the same compulsion to rescue and the same blind spots that you had?
Having trained and qualified as a professional coach, I now recognize that as a former 'rescuer' these dangerous, difficult people fulfilled my need for both a persecutor and a victim. To find out more about this dynamic, read the piece I wrote here about The Drama Triangle.
I will never ignore the 'dangerous person' sign again. And I'm listing some pointers below, to make sure that you don't get bitten.
1. Reputations are deserved.
The reason people say Hyenas bite is because they do. If you've heard someone is a bully, they probably are. It could all be down to their domineering hyper masculine dad, but you won't be able to fix it. Check out their LinkedIn profile and read the recommendations of others carefully. If there aren't any, that's also a big warning sign.
On the day a new hire of mine was announced in the trade press, I felt sick to my stomach when I got a call from a former boss saying this person had stolen the credit for an idea that wasn't theirs and had gone on to alienate the whole team and the client. Sure enough, history repeated itself. But I was to blame for not having called the former boss first, before I made the hire.
2. Look at the whole of their life
I was interested in the theory that as an only child with no children of her own, Britain's former Prime Minister, Theresa May, was unpracticed in negotiating the kind of compromise usually taught by siblings and parenting.
Similarly, being in a long term relationship teaches us valuable life lessons. If someone has never been in a long relationship, if they're still single later in life, they may not possess the neccessary skills to build deep, personal relationships, with colleagues or clients. Naturally, these skills are not required in many roles, but don’t expect someone to get along well with others at work, if their personal life shows no evidence of them being able to bond.
3. Don't believe their version of the past
They'll tell you how a past employer stole ideas from them. They'll share the trauma of being fired by a tyrannical boss without just cause. It will be tempting to attribute their past failures to the misdeeds of others. Don't. Even when the blame may not rest with them, whole people take responsibility for their failires. Broken people invariably blame others. One day soon they’ll be blaming you.
4. The future will not look different from the past
We all hope that 60 will be the new 40; that hope will spring eternal; that the past does not need to dictate the future.
I wanted to believe all this so fervently, that more than once I invested in the careers of people who I told myself had still to realize their full potential. I was deluded. In professions where teamwork is required, if someone hasn't made it by their mid 40's, they simply won't. They may not have accepted it. You may not want to either. But they have reached their level. For them, it will be down hill all the way from here. Be sure you don't hitch your star to their tumbling wagon. When they fail to deliver, they won't take responsibility and apologize. They will do what they've always done before. They will try to take it out on you.
Don't say you haven't been warned.
