weekend free-for-all – February 1-2, 2020

by Alison Green on February 1, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

This is Humphrey, our new foster cat. He was found crying in a parking lot on a freezing cold day. He’s clearly used to being an indoor cat but his family could not be found, so we are fostering him until someone adopts him. He is an older, sedate gentleman with a strong interest in napping and windows, and he has markings on one side like a cow.

You may also like:
{ 1,387 comments }

{ 1,387 comments… read them below }

    1. londonedit*

      Hello Humphrey! He’s gorgeous, what a lovely cat. Hope he finds a forever home soon (that is, if Alison is now less bad at the ‘fostering not adopting’ part of fostering cats than she used to be…!)

      :D

      1. Windchime*

        That’s what I was thinking, LOL. Humphrey looks pretty settled already and, if he gets along with the others, I imagine we’ll be seeing more of him. He has markings similar to my old cat, Patches, who lived to the grand old age of 19.

    2. Morning reader*

      Oh my, Humphrey looks just like my old family cat, Thumbs. Who of course had thumbs. Does Humphrey? (Thumbs was an outdoor cat and not neutered, in the late 70s… Humphrey could be his descendant.) P.S. We don’t do unneutered, outdoor cats these days.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        So far we’re keeping him in his own room so he can get used to being here. But we let the other cats smell a clump of his fur (from brushing him) and everyone hissed at the fur except for Wallace, who loved it and couldn’t get enough of it. We figured that might be predictive so we’ve let Wallace in to visit a few times, and sure enough, he’s SO EXCITED to meet him. He runs into the room with excitement, practically dances around, chirps happily, and very much wants to be his friend. Humphrey is pretty much ignoring him (stares straight ahead acting like he’s not there, which is what our older cat Sam used to do when the others were being too rambunctious). We also let Sophie visit once, but she hissed right in his face (he ignored her) so she has not been back.

        1. old curmudgeon*

          One of our tricks for introducing a new cat to the existing bunch is to take a t-shirt that my spouse or I have worn (so it’s saturated with our scent) and lay it in a spot where NewCat likes to lie, placing a second shirt we’ve worn someplace where OldCats like to lie. We leave them there for a day or so, then switch places. Each shirt has the scent of something familiar/happy/loving (us) plus the scent of the unfamiliar feline. We do that daily for about a week, and at the point of releasing NewCat, in most cases the transition is a very easy one.

          Of course, for a foster who won’t be staying long, that might be more work than is justified. I only mention it because I am the sort who starts out saying “fostering” and discovers that pretty soon, I’m saying “adopting.” Your mileage may vary.

          1. Kisses*

            This is a great tip. I want to start fostering litters once we have our own house, and this sounds like a good way to go if they’re gonna be around for a while.

        4. IheardItBothWays*

          lmao – that is like Cassie and Turbo. Turbo will sit and growl and hiss at Cassie and Cassie is just like “I have no floofs to give”.

    5. Myrin*

      Yes, a hearty welcome from me, too!
      (And Alison, your description of him reminds me so much of Sam – older gentleman cats are the best cats!)

    6. old curmudgeon*

      Sending chin-scritches and hopes for a loving forever home to Master Humphrey! I have a particular soft spot for older sedate gentlemen with black-and-white or grey-and-white markings; if I lived closer, I’d be happy to adopt him. Thank you for taking him in!

    8. Elizabeth West*

      POOR COLD KITTY D’:
      Alison, you better just buy him a bed and stuff now, ’cause you know you’re gonna keep him. ;)

    9. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Our cat Molly also has a very strong interest in windows as well as naps; she’s good company.

    15. NoLongerYoung*

      Welcome Humphrey!
      You’ve landed in the wonderful sweet lap of Allison’s home for now… rest up and look beautiful for the day when your new owner lovingly gathers you into your new home…

    16. Can't Think of a Username*

      I have Humphrey’s sister! Seriously, he looks JUST like my kitty, who I found crying in a parking lot going on 12 years ago. After we made friends, she decided to stay with me, and no one else claimed her, so she became mine. Humphrey even shares my cat’s way of side eyeing the camera when photographed.

    19. Forrest Rhodes*

      Humphrey looks very secure and happy. He may not know it yet, but in finding you he’s just won the Cat Residence Lottery, even if it’s only a brief stay. (And I have to say, every animal my family ever “fostered” eventually measured their time with us in years if not decades; we just couldn’t give them up when the time came.)

    20. Kisses*

      Hello Humphrey! I’m so glad you’re doing this for him. We found our Shadow baby just like this- but he still needed milk he was so small. And I planned on just getting him old enough, getting him fixed, then finding a home for him- well, we found one. He is very happy with us and his fur brothers (cats and rabbit both!)

    24. NotAnotherManager!*

      What a doll! His face looks quite a bit like my elder statesman who passed away earlier this month at nearly 17. I’ve a soft spot for mask-and-mantle cats as our first pair both had that marking pattern.

      I hope he finds a forever home soon!

  2. PhyllisB*

    Welcome, Humphrey!! Alison, no book recommendation this week?
    Can’t believe I’m only the second to comment!!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Time to list cat books instead.
      “The Cats in our Lives” by Pamela & James Mason (*yes THAT James Mason)
      “Uhura’s Song” by Janet Kagan
      “The Book of Moon With Night” by Diane Duane
      “Into the Wild” (Book 1 of the Warrior Cats series of series) by Erin Hunter
      “The Door Into Summer” by Robert Heinlein
      ..Anyone else?

      2. HQB*

        The Cat Who Went to Heaven, by Elizabeth Coatsworth
        The Mrs. Murphy Mysteries (series) by Rita Mae Brown and Sneaky Pie Brown
        I Am a Cat by Natsume Soseki
        The Traveling Cat Chronicles by Hiro Arikawa
        Millions of Cats, by Wanda Gag

      5. PhyllisB*

        Any of the Cat Who?? series by Lillian Jackson Braun Mrs. Murphy series by Rita Mae Brown Dewey The Library Cat (author’s name escapes me at the moment) also Cat in the Stacks mysteries…haven’t read any of these so don’t know author’s name just heard them mentioned recently.

  3. Morning reader*

    Phones…

    This is a little customer service rant which hopefully is non work related enough for this thread.

    Can someone explain to me why so many places use automated phone answering with menu systems? They are so tremendously frustrating. I realize that my perspective is that of an Older Person (feel free to OK Boomer me) but I think the situation has gotten so bad that it is providing a negative experience for nearly everyone making “first contact” or subsequent contacts with a company or organization.

    I understand that the reason is probably primarily financial. But… so what? For profitable companies, they are often getting tax breaks and other allowances with the understanding that they provide employment in the communities where they are located. Couldn’t they just hire people to answer the phones? How much could some minimum wage operators cost them? Just someone to say “how may I direct your call?” Why oh why can’t they do this? It should be the responsibility of every profit-making, capitalist company to provide some basic jobs. That’s the point of “trickle down,” isn’t it? Not just to enrich the owners/stockholders but also to stimulate the economy by providing living wages and maybe even some disposable income to workers?

    It feels like they shift their operating costs onto their customers, like self-check out at the store, rather than even make an attempt to give good customer service. As it is, if I need to call the cable company, the IRS, the insurance company, even the hardware store, I need to set aside about an hour of my time to get through to a person who can answer my question.

    It seems my question is never something that easily fits into their menu system. Either that or it’s more than one question, which, as is, I need to make two calls, navigating their system effectively, to get answers.

    Am I alone in the experience of repeatedly hollering into the phone “representative,” “agent,” “customer service,” or sometimes the ultimate “Human Being, give me a GD Human, for Pete’s sake don’t you have any actual humans working there!” (Sometimes those first ones are effective, or hitting Zero repeatedly…. that last one, not so much.)

    The worse thing is when you get cut off and have to start all over again.

    Or, the even worse thing is when you get into a line that is never going to be answered. My favorite is Enterprise Rental, where if you make the wrong choice, you get to listen them say repeatedly, while you are on hold until you realize that no one will ever answer, that they are “like a family” and are so eager to provide for your needs. I’m like… family my ass… my family answers the phone when I call.

    TL: DR: Why oh why can’t companies just answer their phones?

    I can understand this (but not appreciate it) when it’s something like the cable company. They have a monopoly here so they obviously don’t give a damn about customer service. What are we gonna do, go without internet? And the IRS is clearly underfunded and swamped this time of year. I would do everything in my power to avoid having to call them.

    1. Gaia*

      The IRS is, without a doubt, the worst at this. You go through 20 minutes of phone tree plus 30 minutes on hold only to be told they’re too busy to answer your call, you need to call back another day, goodbys and get hung up on.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        My most recent dealings with the IRS involved a phone tree that eventually got to “for what you need, press 1; for other thing, press 2; for the tertium quid, press 3″ repeated over and over while the system ignored all attempts to press 1 or, eventually, 2 or 3.” I gave up and tried the next day; same thing. Hung up again and guessed at another point in the phone tree that might be useful.

        All this to get them to confirm that they knew they had received the payment that my bank assured me had been transferred weeks before the date on the “we still don’t have your payment, you now owe a month’s interest as well. *sigh*

        I don’t mind paying taxes to support schools, transport, environmental protection, and so on: I do mind being unable to get through to a human being to say “look, I paid this, your own website says so.”

        1. Tax Man*

          It’s pretty common for payments and notices to cross in the mail and for a notice to be sent out just before the payment gets posted. When that happens the extra interest is almost always waived for being below tolerance. Often the notices will be pre-dated ahead of time. All last week I had calls from people who had gotten notices dated February 3, 2020. I don’t know why they do that. I only work there.

          In the business tax department it is common for payments to be misapplied to an incorrect tax form or tax period. Usually it is because the person making the payment through the Electronic Federal Tax Payment System (EFTPS) applied the payment to the incorrect tax form or tax period. When they call us we can usually locate the payment and transfer it to where it should have gone. Last week I had a lot of calls from people who had not yet received notices, but who realized they had applied tax payments intended for the new 2020 tax year, to 2019, so I ended up moving those payments for the callers.

          1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

            *nod* The payment was made electronically via the IRS website, and credited the same day (December 30). The letter saying I owed them money was dated January 20. That feels like a bit more than “crossed in the mail.” But it’s the dead end in the phone tree that was really annoying, well that and the repeated suggestions that all callers could save time by going to IRS.gov, which had already told me I couldn’t address my problem that way.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        I actually have a nice IRS phone tree story. I tried one day to multitask, so I was coloring my hair while getting lost for many precious minutes in the IRS phone tree and eventually ending up on hold with one of those sinister recordings stating ‘your estimated wait time is……34 minutes’. Hair color? Why not? I figured I had the time. BUT – two minutes before my hair color timer was about to go off, I was connected to an agent!! She started into the “give me your SSN” spiel, but I interrupted her, thanked her for picking up, told her I knew they were terribly short-staffed, which made the wait times long, but then told her she had only 1.5 minutes to answer my question because my hair color was nearly done. She laughed, and I heard her partly cover the receiver and shout to her colleagues, “We have a winner!” She came back to me and admitted that she and her colleagues kept track of the most amusing callers. Their Hall of Famer was a guy with a tax question who figured he had the time because he was in jail waiting to be processed for a DUI. Heavens!

        My hair came out darker than I wanted (my tax question was quite involved), but the chat was actually kinda fun. But the phone tree burned about 10 minutes of hair color processing time. Next time, I think I will just bake cookies instead. :)

      3. Artemesia*

        One tactic of those seeking to privatize everything is to underfund basic government services and then talk about how ‘inefficient’ government is. I know the IRS fails to pursue big tax cheats (I know someone who did the research that the IRS then didn’t implement) They COULD bring in billions more by going after big cheats, but instead just don’t much and nickel and dime low earners because it is easy and they can’t fight back. Social security has wonderful customer service, but that is less and less so because of the closing of offices and cut backs on staff.

      4. Goldfinch*

        When my husband could not get a human being on the phone at the IRS, he went to the local office, and a security guard literally TURNED HIM AWAY and told him he was not allowed to enter the building without having made an appointment over the phone first. Burn it all down.

        1. Sam I Am*

          And…
          You need a government ID to get into many gov’t offices, don’t have one? Can’t get in. The most poor are of course, the most vulnerable in this situation.

        2. Anon For This*

          I work at my country’s IRS equivalent, and to be honest it’s pretty unrealistic to expect that a person could just walk in here to ask a question. This is a government department, it’s not like going to the bank – there isn’t a customer service manager who can come down to chat with you. 99% of people working here would literally be incapable of helping a walk-in: we aren’t customer-facing, most of us don’t deal with individual people’s taxes, and even those who do won’t be able to access someone’s file or have authority to do anything. The client-facing staff who handle that sort of thing make up a tiny percentage of our workforce and definitely wouldn’t be available without an appointment because they’re doing quite specialised work and are probably out of the office meeting with someone anyway. And we absolutely don’t let people into the building unless they are meeting with an employee who has already put their name on a list, because that would be a very very very serious security risk.

          I get that it can feel frustrating from the customer side, but considering the kind of data we have here I wouldn’t be comfortable with it being handled any other way.

      5. Vicky Austin*

        In my experience, government agencies suck at customer service. Don’t get me started on unemployment insurance.

        1. Curmudgeon in California*

          Cringe.

          Unemployment insurance is probably the least customer-centric state agency I’ve dealt with. Even the DMV tries harder.

      6. Venus*

        I think other countries may beat the IRS. Imagine a phone service where they almost never answered, but if you get so lucky then the tax ‘experts’ are likely to give you the wrong info, and yet you are liable for the consequences. All of which is known to be true from an audit.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      OK Boomer…as a Gen Xer, I have to agree with you! ;)

      I ***HATE*** automated voice-recognition systems. I don’t mind menus as much, even though like you, if I’m calling, it’s because my issue is NOT covered in the FAQ or anything available in my online account. I know that more than 9 out of 10 times, the system will not have been programmed for what I try to tell it, so it will try to make its best guess, which will be wrong, and I’ll have to endure another 3 or 4 rounds of wrong guesses before it gives up, so a lot of times I just start pressing zero or cursing at it until I get a person. (For years now, the voice recognition systems have been able to detect words and tone that indicate frustration, and when they do they usually program an “escape hatch” to get that person to an operator. I had a friend who programmed these types of systems.)

      So anyway, you’re right, it’s mostly cost, but not that they don’t want to hire people, but I can tell you from experience (I’ve been working in/for call centers for decades) that even if someone wants to, say, check their balance, a significant percentage of those people will call in and insist on speaking to a person about it, taking time away from people like us who actually need assistance. So I think they are designing the systems to winnow out as many of those “chatty Chucks/Cathys” as possible. I don’t like it, but the people who are working on these systems are quite smart, they’re just approaching the problem from a totally different perspective than the customer.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Hahahah, I knew about the tone/word detection. If I can’t get through, I’ll just start chanting “F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*cking sh*t” until the system switches me to a person.

        1. Username required*

          a bit off topic but there’s a funny video about voice recognition system in a lift and two Scottish guys can’t get it to understand them when the lift breaks down. Not sure if I can post a link – its on youtube under Scottish Voice Recognition – Eleven

        2. Artemesia*

          I was told about this years ago and yes — when you shift to obscenity a significant number of systems will meet your needs. Seems like a really perverse system but it is handy to know. There are systems which will only talk to businesses and not consumers and so if desperate you tell them you are a business and you will get a person who can help you get what you need.

        4. Curmudgeon in California*

          Wow!

          So they deliberately piss you off in order to serve you, then wonder why by the time people actually talk to a person they are furious and abusive?

          OTOH, I will swear at a machine much more readily than a person. I work with computers. I know how dumb they are.

        5. nonegiven*

          After I’ve said ‘representative’ several times and had the smarmy voice tell me it didn’t understand and to say ‘representative,’ if that’s what I want, ‘f*ckity, f*ck, f*ck’ is all I want to say.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Oh, here’s a fun fact. Because of my tone-of-voice issues (yay, autism) I get hung up on by a lot of these systems. I guess the robocaller detection thinks I’m a robot?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Which means that those voice-operated systems, like the one my local pharmacy now has? Very, very bad for me. No, I cannot use the phone system, you folks keep automatically hanging up on me.

          1. Curmudgeon in California*

            That’s just nasty. I can mimic the operator voice on most systems. I don’t when trying to do voice prompts, but still.

            That seems like an ADA issue, IMO, but IANAL.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              As previously stated, probably! Do I want to piss off my pharmacy when I’ll die without my medication? I do not.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Probably! But trying to get the ADA enforced is a whole ‘nother can of worms, and I’d really like my pharmacy to not be mad at me for ratting them out to the ADA when I need that medication to not die.

      3. Tax Man*

        At the IRS, in the past they’ve had a lot of problems getting the money to hire more much-needed employees. However, more recently, the IRS has gotten more funding for workers and they are now having trouble attracting enough qualified workers to fill all their openings. During the last round of hiring that I’m aware of, they were only able to fill about 80% of the openings, whereas in the past they usually had more qualified applicants than openings.

      4. calonkat*

        I was once on hold at various points in the day with one company long enough to become frustrated enough to write a webpage (notepad, basic html), and post it to my website. It was in 2002 and I still have the page up and I’m still irritated (not that I hold a grudge or anything…) We just wanted to place an order!!!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The telephone trees are obscene. No, I cannot sit through a 15 minute telephone tree, my time is as valuable to me as your time is to you, Big Company. One place had me on hold for an hour, yes, I timed it. Between their telephone tree and their search for the correct person, it was an hour. I kept getting sent back into their phone tree, wth. This went on for months. Because of their attitude and their unwillingness to complete their business, I ended up going to the US Attorney General. After that I suddenly, I became a real person with a real life. The USAG were lovely, lovely people, “I see your problem, NSNR. They are not doing their job. *I* will call them and tell them they need to do their job.”

      1. Parenthetically*

        Ohhhhhh getting rerouted to the phone tree!! A place where I was getting my car fixed lost my business because their menu kept looping me back to the start! Infuriating!

    4. TL -*

      I scream incoherently at the phone until it puts me in touch with a real person. Usually takes 3 minutes or less. I have no tolerance for automatic phone trees.

      1. Dan*

        I think I’ve encountered only one system in the last twenty years where pressing 0 three times or saying “agent” three times didn’t actually get me a human. Point being, if it’s actually taking you three minutes of incoherent mumbo jumbo, I think there are faster ways :D

    5. Rebecca*

      I hate this too! I’m calling because I have a problem. I may not know which department handles this problem! Press 1 for…and ending with Press 9 for…by the time I get through all the options, if I haven’t written them down, I don’t know and “tell me in a few words what you need”. “Problem with billing” . I see you have a problem with dill pickles, is this correct? And no, you are not alone, I repeatedly say “representative” or press zero. I need to talk to a person, explain my problem, and get transferred to the right person. And an hour on hold is unacceptable. UPMC billing, I’m looking directly AT YOU.

      1. Anonny*

        UPMC has central scheduling. It’s a real person, but it takes forever to schedule a routine checkup. And they all have a bunch of standardized texts they have to say, “thank you for choosing UPMC…blah blah blah” I find it incredibly frustrating.

        1. Rebecca*

          Especially since I’m not actively choosing UPMC, after they gobbled up a perfectly function hospital with billing system and turned a simple visit into a billing issue that’s run on for 4 months now. I truly hope I don’t have an urgent medical issue – I’ll have to hire a lawyer and/or accountant to deal with it!

          1. Former Employee*

            Ha, Ha! Wouldn’t it be great if these professionals were interchangeable.

            For instance, your medical plan isn’t what it should be, but you have a great lawyer. Too bad there isn’t some way for you to get your medical needs met at your lawyer’s office.

            About the only way I know of that this kind of works is illegal: MD’s & JD’s conspiring to defraud the system in swoop & squat schemes. You definitely don’t want to go there!

            1. Rebecca*

              In my case, I may need a lawyer. I’ve given my insurance information to UPMC 5 times now – 3 over the phone, and twice in person. I’ve gotten bills with threats to send them to a collection agency, because they’re not paid. They’re not paid because UPMC has not properly submitted them to my insurance company. Once I get this mess straightened out, I’m not going back, I’m also going to document everything and send it to whatever agency oversees these things. Thankfully there is another large hospital system in the area that accepts my insurance and can bill properly.

              1. Anono-me*

                Have you tried sending a USPS Registered letter* with you insurance information and a summary of all of the hassle the billing department has put you through?

                I know it sounds ridiculous. But it also is something that people do so as to have proof for when they go into court or escalate to a government office. Most big companies know this, and will respond proactively.
                *Keep a copy for your records.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Yeah, I don’t mind a short menu, but when it’s a multi-level one where I have to make 6 choices before I ever speak to a person, my irritation grows with each level.

      The one thing I DO love that some places have started to do is auto-callback rather than holding? Our family practice does this. They only have one admin who answers the phones, and it’s a busy office with half a dozen providers, so it stands to reason that there would be a wait time, say, first thing in the morning. So you have the option of having them automatically call you back instead of listening to awful hold music for 20 minutes while Traci makes a couple of appointments and checks people in at the front desk.

      1. fposte*

        I think it makes it harder on the CSRs, too; people are more irritated with them after fighting with a phone tree than they would be if they just got straight to a human.

        1. Rebecca*

          I do too. When I finally got a live person at UPMC billing, I was ready to rock and roll, but I held myself back, told the poor man on the other end “I realize the long hold time and billing problems are not your fault, but here is what we need to sort out”.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        The utility company in OldCity had an automated callback on their outage report system. You called, did the menu, and then it would call you back later to see if your power was on. They’re evil for other reasons, but this was a nice perk.

        1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          When we lived in PG&E territory, I’d call in power outages…and they’d tell me to report it on their website.

          When the whole neighborhood’s power and thus wifi is out, the 4G signal crawls to a stop too!

            1. Curmudgeon in California*

              PG&E needs to be disbanded and remade as a public cooperative, not a private company, IMO. They suck.

          2. Gatomon*

            Oooo that’s infuriating! I’m fairly neutral on phone trees, but there are few things I hate more than holding and listening to an endless loop of “DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN SAVE TIME ONLINE? LOG ON AT DUBBAYOU DUBBAYOU DUBBAYOU DOT …” or being told to go online as part of the representative’s opening script. Trust me, I would never ever waste my time on a phone call if what I needed could be done online.

          3. calonkat*

            In the olden days of landlines, I once called in and reported our phone wasn’t working due to a lightning strike. The SW Bell (after the AT&T breakup, before they reformed) rep wanted me to be sure that I was aware that I should test the connection outside the house, because if the problem was inside, they’d charge me. I informed her that if they would come and replace the melted plastic box, I’d be happy to test the connection.
            She agreed that seemed reasonable…

      3. The Cosmic Avenger*

        The callback systems actually really bother me, though, because it feels as bad as being on hold. I feel like I can’t go do anything, I have to wait and keep in mind what I wanted to ask. But that’s just anecdata, it’s interesting to know that others prefer it over menu systems. I guess I should give it a shot, since I know I’ll be talking to a CSR as soon as I pick up, so I just need to keep that in mind.

        1. Dan*

          I don’t use the call back systems that often, but they don’t actually bother me. I’m not an auditory person (much more visual), so I find having to listen to long holds really, really distracting. I’d be fine with it if they just played *music* the whole time to let you know the call hasn’t dropped, but that’s not how it goes. Everybody wants to pitch a product/their website/something else I don’t care about/tell me that hold times are “longer than usual” every 30 seconds. So, when they cut over from music to the talking, I hear a human voice, and shift mental gears to actually dealing with the call. Except then I realize that it’s not a live rep and now I have to switch gears back to what I was doing. I find that mental shifting to be very taxing, and actually do appreciate the ability to get a callback.

          1. The Cosmic Avenger*

            YES! I’m exactly the same, preferring visual over auditory, and I hate when they interrupt the hold music with speech!

            To be honest, I never use the callback systems, because I feel like I will be at someone else’s mercy for an unknown amount of time, so far I’ve chosen to stay on hold myself since I can hang up whenever I get tired of it. But I should probably try it, the waiting for the callback is probably not as bad in reality as it has been in my mind.

            1. Dan*

              In that respect, you’re certainly at someone else’s mercy if you’ve got the phone glued to your ear or even on speakerphone. And they own more of your mental time with the mindless website promotion and all of that. Just think about it for a sec: If you stay on hold, do you have any better indication when you’ll get to talk to them than you would if you just told them to call you back? With the call back, you can free your mind to do other things.

              It’s one thing if you’re talking 20 minutes or so, but the worst hold times I encounter are with airline frequent flyer desks. I’ve had waits upwards of an hour. At that point, the callback is 100% hands down better than dealing with the inane hold times.

              1. The Cosmic Avenger*

                This has helped me figure it out…I think it’s that I have always had a minor bit of anxiety when the phone rings, but you’re right, staying on hold shouldn’t be that different. Especially with the stupid recorded messages interrupting the hold music! I’ll try it next time I have the option.

            2. Parenthetically*

              The callback system saves your spot in the queue though! You won’t be waiting for a callback for any longer than you’d wait on hold — you’re not waiting for someone to see the callback prompt, it happens automatically. All it does is autodial when it would be your turn in the hold queue and then connect you immediately to the operator.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Yeah, like Dan, I also hate the hold loop — the one at my midwife’s office would pause the music just long enough to make you think someone was picking up the call, and then a recording would either say something about how great the medical practice was and how much they appreciated you as a patient, or something like “Thank you for your patience; your call will be answered in the order it was received.”

        3. Professional Merchandiser*

          Our tech support has a callback feature. I didn’t use it for the longest, because I thought “RIIIIIIIIGGGHHTT!! I know you’re going to call me right back. Sure.” Well, one day I just didn’t have time to hold so I opted for callback. To my surprise, they called back within 10 minutes!! So that’s what I do every time now and always get a quick callback. Of course, not all companies are this good maybe, but it’s worth giving it a shot at least once.

        4. zaracat*

          I detest call back systems because I’ve found that many of them, when you finally get connected, the other end hangs up on you.

        5. Koala dreams*

          Some systems give you a time when you are called back, that way at least you can do something in the meantime. Of course, sometimes they give you a time when you can’t answer at all. :(

        6. Former Employee*

          While you can’t go and do something, since they tell you how long you have to wait for the call back, you could do laundry, clean your kitchen, pay bills, review a contract, etc.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      My mum has been having issues with these things. I am not a boomer, but I too am sick unto death of them. And then when you do get someone, they can’t go off script and there is nothing they can do except transfer you to a hollow tree in the middle of Fangorn Forest where nobody will ever pick up.

    8. Nom de Plume*

      I’ll usually play along with the phone tree game for a few minutes, but then if I feel I’m getting nowhere, I’ll repeatedly press zero. That normally puts me straight through to a person. There’s also a website gethuman.com that tells you the quickest way to talk to a person at various companies.

    9. Lives in a Shoe*

      I actually read an article recently about a study that claimed the long wait times and endless menu options were deliberate. According to the authors most people will give up so the companies end up giving fewer refunds. Wish I could find it. Perhaps there’s a google ninja reading this morning who can track it down. I try to read a book while waiting so I won’t lose my sh#t on someone when they finally answer.

      1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        I mean, if I’m trying to get a refund, this won’t stop me, but make me wayyy more bitchy once I get to speak to someone. I’ve harassed many a Comcast customer service rep for erroneous charges.

      2. Windchime*

        My sister was shipped a several packages from Ikea, and one of them was completely the wrong item. She tried calling a half-dozen times and was never able to talk to a real person. She would navigate down various branches of the phone tree, only to get hung up on or, the one time she *did* get a person, he said he was going to transfer her and instead hung up.

        We ended up having to drive 2 1/2 hours to Ikea to return the item because of the phone tree. And they don’t publish a local number, so we couldn’t call the local store; only the Ikea Phone Tree From Hell.

        1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

          I learned this when I moved during Memorial Day weekend and wanted to call my local IKEA to see if they would be open on the holiday. (The information wasn’t on their website.) This is not possible apparently.

        2. Parenthetically*

          The “no way to contact a local store” thing makes me rage blackout. I have a STORE SPECIFIC QUESTION. LET ME TALK TO THE SPECIFIC STORE.

      3. Observer*

        That makes no sense. *IF* these horrible trees were ONLY for refunds and things that cost the company money, I could see it. But when they are also for all sorts of other things, like “I want to upgrade my service” that’s just dumb.

    10. Crazy Chicken Lady*

      My employer, a program within a government agency, ended up not filling the receptionist’s job when she (finally!) left a few months ago.

      I’m sure some of that was based on a budget – it’s not just salary but pension and healthcare costs- but it may just be that we are trying it out to see what happens. The receptionist would answer our general call numbers and now each program’s admin assistant is responsible for checking the voicemail each working hour. That delays our response but in general folks get callbacks within 2 hours.

      (I was having a discussion with one of my kids yesterday. He starts grad school next fall and was asking about health insurance. I told him my employer based insurance covers him until he’s 26, so it’ll be fine until his last year of his Ph.D program. I looked up the cost to me of my coverage and since I just got the IRS form I knew the total cost of the coverage. I pay about $1.2k of the $25k annual cost to cover my family of 4- so about $100 a month. I get why paying more than $25k on top of a receptionist salary may not make sense to our organization.)

      1. Artemesia*

        The huge overpriced health care system in the US in addition to being not that good and bankrupting individuals is also a real blight on international competitiveness for companies. There are historic reasons for tying health coverage to jobs but it is a terrible idea (get sick, lose job, there goes your health care for example) and an economic burden to companies.

        1. Ain't Miss Behavin'*

          Out of curiosity, what are the historic reasons? I find it fascinating how many things we do because we’ve always done them but which are completely counter-purpose in the context of present-day needs.

          1. EinJungerLudendorff*

            From what I can remember it’s a combination of convenience and Americans hating the idea of government social services.

            Companies started by providing some level of health insurance as a bonus.
            When the US government decided to set up a national healthcare policy, the people pushing for it thought it would be an easier sell to the opposition and their voters if they just expanded the exisiting (company based) system instead of replacing it with a big government-run system.

            Then they kept making that choice whenever healthcare needed to expand or adjust, so it never got fixed, and here we are.

          2. Maya Elena*

            At some point salaries were frozen and companies started offering fringe benefits as alternative compensation that the government chose not to tax. Somehow what was a benefit became an entitlement codified in increasingly more and more and more internally conflicting and onerous laws. I think the current situation is the effect of distortion upon distortion where you can’t even parse out the original cause anymore.

            1. Ain’t Miss Behavin’*

              Oh, gosh, thank you both. I had no idea of any of that and had never even bothered to wonder!

              1. Imtheone*

                It started during World War II when the government froze salaries as part of measures to support the war effort. Companies started to look at perks and benefits as ways to attract and keep employees. Thus, health insurance (quite new then) became linked to employment.

    11. nm*

      I agree!!!! Although I must say, the IRS has always been very helpful to me once I manage to get to a person.
      I have switched cell phone providers and cancelled memberships over impossible customer service phone systems.

    12. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      I’m a millennial and feel the same exact way. I’ve been experiencing it a lot with doctor’s offices/insurance companies, which is very frustrating if you are already feeling sick to begin with. Harrumph!

      I mean, I don’t mind it if the menu system legitimately streamlines the referral process and basic info collection (like your account number or whatever), but then you still get to speak to a human within a reasonable amount of time. But nowadays, a lot of these systems don’t give you the option to ask any questions whatsoever.

    13. Enough*

      Not a fan of the automated menu but there are now many systems that only allow response by pressing buttons. I have a cell but also a landline. The landline is my husband’s only number and I don’t give out my cell to just anybody so have the landline listed in a lot of places. We have 4 phones in the house. 2 are push button and 2 are rotary dial. The phones in the primary rooms are both dial. I can’t confirm my appoint or select any options from these phones.

        3. Curmudgeon in California*

          Our landline comes in to a rotary phone, built before planned obsolescence was a thing. Most pushbutton landlines have died, but the ancient rotaries are still going strong.

          I wish they made stuff like that nowadays.

      2. Observer*

        Thanks for letting me know this.

        We periodically review our phone tree to make sure it’s appropriately responsive to our constituency. (Press 0 gets a human or a voicemail box, depending on how busy we are). There has been some discussion about whether to continue to automatically route the phone to the front desk if no one presses anything. Everyone keeps on saying “Everyone has touch tone today.” Obviously not.

    14. Dan*

      Oh my favorite topic… No joke, in the late 90’s, I wrote my college admissions essay on phone tree hell. I got in, but I’m not sure how much the essay had to do with it.

      Back in the early 00’s, I worked for an airline. Back then, when airline employees wanted to travel using their employee benefits, they had to “list” for a flight. That involved calling an 800 number and using an interactive voice response system, with no option to speak to a human. At all. Two required pieces of information: Your origin and destination. Simple, right? Well, I don’t know who wrote that system, but more often than the system would interpret the spoken cities as places the airline didn’t fly… and tell you that. The matches often weren’t even close. As in, you told it “Chicago” and it would come back with some off the beaten track central Asian city that no US carrier flies to, and thus its employees wouldn’t be trying to call that airline and list for that flight.

      I’ll be honest, a few times I got a really mean streak in me. If I were walking down the terminal and heard an employee (whether I knew them or not) fussing the with the listing system, I’d sneak up behind them and say “I’m sorry, but XXX Airline does not fly from Azerbaijan!” The looks I would get were priceless.

      1. noahwynn*

        OMG! I hated having to list that way. I used to beg and plead with gate agents to list me because the phone system didn’t work. This was before we could all list online. Spoiled now with how easy it is.

      2. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        Um, I need to know about your college admissions essay on phone tree hell. Please say more! Was there an argument you were making?

        1. Dan*

          Heh. That was 20 years ago. I came across it on an old computer somewhere a couple years back and don’t remember which one it is.

          That said, I think I was making the argument that those phone trees are going to drive customers batty and consequently, there would be “unforseen consequences.”

          The topic would have been on my mind because I grew up in a rural area without much shopping. My grandparents lived in the suburbs of a legit city, and going to see grandma and grandpa always involved a little shopping for everybody. This was in the late 90’s before the internet took off, and I spent many an hour with the yellow pages looking for the places I wanted to go and calling them up to see if they had what I wanted. This was also about the time when phone trees were starting to take off, but my grandparents still hand an old rotary phone (no push buttons.) Many places when they first put in the phone trees just assumed every body had a touch tone phone, and didn’t even have an option to “or please hold for the next available rep”. At those places, phone wise, we were just screwed and couldn’t get through to anybody.

          One year for Christmas, Dad had the foresight to give his mom and dad a touch tone phone.

          1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

            Haha, thanks for sharing. “Unforeseen consequences.” That sounds exactly like a phrase that would turn up in a college admissions essay. Mine was about Kerouac’s “Dharma Bums” and some sort of zen I found one winter day taking capital-P Photographs in the rain.

    15. Dan*

      Separate thought from previous post:

      I’m on the fence about having a minimum wage call screener answer the phone. First, from the company’s perspective, the turnover would have to be ridiculous. Second, there are times where I’ve had to wait on hold for long periods with *multiple* people in the same call. That’s beyond maddening. If I have to wait several minutes just to get told to wait on hold for more times, what’s the point?

      And now that I really think about it… I think these days I may give the phone tree *one* input to get to the right department, and after that, the rest of the prompts seem to be a waste. As in, after the first prompt, I’ll just say “agent” three times, and the person who picks up my call is then able to help me. It’s actually quite rare that the “agent” trick gets me to a live agent who *cannot* handle my call.

    16. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I HATE those systems. My bank has it set up in a way that in order to get to a human you have to navigate through all the menu, and then wait for fifteen minutes. Even worse are the voice recognition ones, which fall apart if you have even the tiniest bit of an accent. Granted, the last time I dealt with one was 2016-ish, when part of my job was setting up international corporate plans for those travelling abroad. I hope they suck less now.

    17. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      The ones that annoy me the most are the ones that tell you every 10 seconds “did you know we have a website? check out blah blah blah…” and proceed to spell out every single character in the URL. I’m always like yes, I know you have a website, how do you think I found the number? I am calling because my question is not addressed in any of your online materials.

      1. Jules the First*

        My personal favourite is my local council where you have to report a missed garbage collection through their online form…but their website intermittently has me down (erroneously) as not having a garbage collection service (hence all the missed collections), so the online form refuses to accept my missed collection report. So I call, dutifully follow the phone tree for reporting missed collections, and, after five layers, arrive at an automated recording that told me that missed collections have to be reported using the online form, and then it hung up.

        I gave up and emailed the lovely council bylaw enforcement officer I met last year when I testified at a liquor license hearing and asked her very nicely to put me in touch with someone in waste services.

    18. HBJ*

      Yea, I’ve had the experience with playing roulette with the phone tree trying to figure out which option will give a phone tree. The verbal ones are terrible, too. I will say what I need, but it doesn’t match the response options in their system.

    19. PhyllisB*

      I hate automated phone answers, too. And my poor 89 year old mother, who is usually a pretty sharp cookie gets so bamfuzzled when she gets one of these. The main reason I hate them is, if they call for voice prompts the system doesn’t seem to understand my Southern accent. No matter how carefully I enunciate (yell) yes or no, I get “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that”…GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

    20. JKP*

      So back when I worked at a relay center for the Deaf (basically I would type what was said on the phone and read off what the Deaf client had typed on their TTY), I learned a neat trick about these menus. Usually it was not possible to use the menus, because by the time I had typed out the menu and the client had typed back their response, the system gave up on getting a response at all and simply transferred the call to a real live person!

      So that’s what I started doing with all my calls at home too. If I get a automated menu, then I just mute it and put it on speaker phone and wait. It might cycle through the auto menu a few times and even switch to asking for a spoken response, but then it would transfer me to a real person. If you do select any options or give any response, then it knows that you can and will keep trying to force you to use the auto menu.

      A few times, I have had different places hang up without a response, but they’re really violating the ADA by not accommodating people with disabilities who can’t use a phone in that way.

      2. Buni*

        Up until about 10 years ago if you just stayed completely silent from the off the systems assumed you were still using a dial phone and *couldn’t* ‘press 1’ (or whatever), so would transfer you to a human immediately.

        Unfortunately I think this has been phased out with the rise in mobile / touch phones.

    21. lobsterp0t*

      Omg I hate them so much. Millennial here and not even borderline Xennial. They’re just horrible.

    22. Koala dreams*

      The Tax Agency in my country is decent, I think. They usually answer eventually, and sometimes they even call back. The Migration office is the worst. It’s like it’s designed to make immigrants give up. The phone trees that annoy me the most are those were you only get the option to talk to someone after listening through all the choices several times, or when there is no choice to talk to someone.

      I listened to a radio show once where the hosts discussed how technology has changed written and spoken communication. I feel phone trees are the worst combination of written and spoken communication: It’s slow, it takes a lot of concentration, it’s inflexible, it requires good hearing, it has no memory aids.

    23. Vicky Austin*

      In my experience, Apple is the best company when it comes to customer service over the phone. I’ve never had to wait for more than 30 minutes, and they’re always able to answer my questions.
      The worst? DirecTV. I remember telling an inadequate customer service agent from DirecTV, “you’re damn lucky Comcast is too expensive, otherwise, I’d switch in a minute!”

    24. EinJungerLudendorff*

      I’m pretty sure that it is indeed so the company can save more money and make it harder for customers to take their money back.

      Corporate greed knows no limits, and I’ve never seen a corporate CEO who actually cared about local communities or helping the working class.

      Oh, and trickleback economics is basically BS. Handing rich people money is one of the worst ways of actually improving the economy. They mostly just sit on it or cycle it in super-expensive mini-economies like stocks and land properties.

      1. Curmudgeon in California*

        Seriously.

        “Trickle” (spelled tinkle) Down economics has been proven, repeatedly, over the last 40 years NOT to work. It has failed every time. So what do they do? Say, “Oh, we must not have cut far enough for it to succeed”, and do it again more.

        What do they call it when you do the same thing over and over again, but expect a different result?

    25. Observer*

      And what happens when you do get a person who has no clue what they are doing?

      Done right, these systems are really useful. Done wrong (eg any of the stupid examples in this thread >sigh<) they are a nightmare.

      Doing customer service right is hard and expensive. You CANNOT do it by putting "minimum wage workers on the line to say 'How may I direct your call'" It takes training, oversight and a lot of work.

      As for needing to make 2 calls to get two questions answered – that's classic problem of lack of training on the human end, and nothing to do with the automated trees. Good customer service organizations give the people on their lines the ability to transfer you to a different area. Unless you are in a phone tree that is designed to never connect you to a human, you should never have to call back, regardless of whether you got to your first destination via phone tree or human operator.

    26. Fikly*

      This is not a generational thing. It is legit horrible customer service, but because everyone does it, they get away with it.

    27. Retail not Retail*

      My insurance company from 2011 to 2014 was horrible because everything was voice instead of touch tone so yes sure i’ll say my social out loud on the bus thanks.

      I had a major issue with them for the first year where they’d find my proof of prior insurance after losing it so I had to contest every single claim related to a pre-existing condition. We even had their confirmation letter from the switch! Turns out it was in a mirror file or some nonsense. I actually threw my phone at the ground once and got very lucky when nothing happened.

    28. Kiwi with laser beams*

      Millennial and I can’t stand them either. United lost a sale from me years ago because those things are only programmed to understand accents that are common in the country in question so their system couldn’t understand my New Zealand accent. Which raises the question, it’s one thing that it couldn’t understand me, who was a tourist, but what are the systems in our respective countries like for immigrants?

      After that, whenever one of those systems gave me trouble, I just started saying “put me through to a fucking person”.

    29. Dumpster Fire*

      It’s worth checking out the website gethuman-dot-com. They don’t have EVERY company but they have a lot of the big ones, and they include tricks to get to a human (for example, press 1, then 4, then #).

    30. Quinalla*

      I don’t mind if they are one or maybe two layers deep, beyond that, they are just annoying wastes of time. They should also ALWAYS have a “speak to a real person” option on every menu because sometimes your question doesn’t fit in a bucket.

      For when I am calling someone’s office on business, I HATE having to go through a receptionist. I want their direct line or a system where I can enter their extension. In those situations, receptionists act more as gatekeepers than anything else which annoys and slows down my connection. So I prefer an automated system again with an option to speak to a receptionist for these hands down.

      And when I only have a few items at the grocery store, self-checkout all the way. I am much faster at checking myself out especially if I have to wait behind even one person. You shouldn’t completely convert to self-checkout only, but I love the trend of most grocery stores having self-checkout lanes on each end, it makes it so much faster!

    31. Ra94*

      Millennial chipping in to say I loathe automated phone menus, and I don’t think it’s a boomer complaint at all! (If anything, my frustration is at having to call at all- a live webchat, which saves the transcript of the convo, is so much more useful and verifiable.) The worst phone menus I’ve encountered are my local state courts, which I had to call a lot as a paralegal. Even when you get through to someone, it’s never the right department, and they transfer you around until your call disappears into the void and you have to start over.

    32. Curmudgeon in California*

      Oh, yeah, me too. I end up mashing the “0”, or saying, repeatedly, then yelling “Operator” or “Agent”.

      These are places I personally do business with, and the worst are banks! Calling to report fraud on your credit card? Welcome to phone tree hell.

      Rental car agencies are awful too.

      State agencies I can almost understand, but at least some of their menus make sense. However, their systems put you into a queue, then decide the queue is too long and hang up, making you start all over again.

    33. Senor Montoya*

      you can often force the system to send you to a live person by tapping “0”. may need to do it more than once.

  4. Sahara (34/F/she/her)*

    Dating question and a bit long and serious. Sorry.

    Anyone have any experience dating someone with ADHD? I need some advice.

    I matched with a guy (32/M) two weeks ago and we’ve been chatting daily ever since. I know that you shouldn’t text someone so much before meeting them but he initiates and I’m weak and it feels nice. He briefly told me that he has ADHD and I took for granted what I know about it (short attention span) and didn’t bother to read further on it. We moved to texting after two days and talked on the phone after three days at his sweet and polite request. He is very attentive and consistent and I have not detected a single red flag.

    He’s fun to text and even more fun to call. His short attention span has made its appearance a few times, but it’s usually late at night when we talk on the phone and I attribute it partly to him being tired. I honestly have never felt offended by it. He’s been very clear from the start about what he’s looking for (a long-term relationship – same) and he apologises when he takes more than an hour to reply – with an explanation, even though I know he’s at work. Unlike with a lot of guys at this stage of getting to know them, he doesn’t leave me wondering.

    He asked me out on a date on day 3 of talking. However, due to his work schedule and side gig commitments, it wasn’t meant to happen until today (Feb 1st). He’s a teacher, and even when he’s home he has a lot of marking and lesson plans to do. He often doesn’t go to sleep until past midnight, despite having to arrive at school by 7am. His side gig is as a chef, and I know he really was there at the event last weekend because he shared pics of himself on a stranger’s social media. (I added that info so no one thinks he’s hiding something.)

    Since he asked me out he’s been telling me how excited he is about our date. On Tuesday he even asked if we could meet one day earlier (yesterday, Friday). I’d already had plans with a friend and told him let’s just stick to Saturday. He was cool with it.

    Well, folks, Friday afternoon rolls around and he asks if he could take a rain check on our date today, citing “emotional burnout”. He said that he’s been “bottling up a lot for a while”. He feels it’s always important to present his best self when meeting someone new and he’s just not that at the moment. He did not suggest an alternative date. I was pretty disappointed at the cancellation as I had been looking forward to it for 11 days! But what can you do if someone is not feeling their best? I replied saying I was bummed but that I understand, and asked if he wanted to handle the emotional stuff on his own or did he want to talk about it. (I know that it’s a lot to take on especially when I haven’t even met the guy, but I wanted to be supportive. Is that silly?)

    He thanked me for asking and assured me that he’ll be ok to handle it himself. He added that being around too many people on a daily basis (students and fellow teachers) and being emotionally invested in the kids can “kill you a little inside”. (FWIW he teaches in a special ed school where some students have ADHD like him.) I told him to please take care of himself, to try and keep people’s stuff at arm’s length, and to feel his emotions instead of bottling them up. (I only said that because that’s what he said he does.) “Working out takes care of some of it,” I said. “But not all.” (He works out five times a week and often talks about releasing his frustration via his workouts.) He thanked me again and I left it at that.

    Then an hour later he texted me, “Do you cope with expectations well?” I asked him, “What do you mean?” I think he could tell I was disappointed and maybe wanted to gauge just how disappointed I was and maybe talk about it? I don’t know. But I wasn’t really sure so I asked for a clarification. That was over 24 hours ago, folks. My message is still unread even though I have seen him online. This morning he didn’t text me good morning like he usually does. I texted him at 11am asking him if he’s ok. I saw him come online but not read the message (and it’s still unread right now almost 12 hours later). All day I was dying to text him again and even call him but I’m too afraid of bothering him/possibly getting rejected so here I am instead. :)

    I never asked him about his ADHD so I don’t know the extent of it and whether he’s on medication for it; I wanted him to reveal all that to me in his own time. Since yesterday I’ve done a little research and learned that people with ADHD tend to hyper-focus (the constant texting and calling?) and then get overwhelmed, and when they do they withdraw emotionally from their personal relationships. They also tend to be perfectionists, which supports his statement about presenting his best self to me – even though of course you’d want to present your best self when dating, with or without ADHD.

    I really like this guy. He’s different from a lot of guys I’ve met online or organically for a long time. He’s really intelligent and funny, and personality-wise – at least on the phone – we click. I’d like us to meet at least once to see if there’s a chance at romance. I guess I’m just wondering if there is anything I can do here, or if I should even do anything. Someone with ADHD wrote on Reddit that he responds well to his partner reaching out and pursuing things with him instead of leaving him be, but as with anything, YMMV. (Plus they’re already dating. This guy and I are only two weeks into knowing of each other’s existence.)

    However, I know that at this stage of online dating you gotta take people at face value, for what they show you, and for how they make you feel, without trying to find a secondary meaning to their behaviour or digging into their medical history. But how much of that is applicable when someone has a disorder like ADHD? As it is, him ignoring me like this is disrespectful and unacceptable and does not meet my needs. Do I really want a relationship with someone who treats me like this? But how much of this is him “treating me like this” and how much is this just him trying to manage his symptoms? Rest assured I have not and will not contact him unless he contacts me first. I’ve gone into self-preservation mode. But I still keep willing my phone to flash a text from him and my stomach hurts from the ugh-ness of it all.

    1. Legally a Vacuum*

      I have ADHD- sometimes it means my plans are far more aspirational than realistic. But having ADHD doesn’t excuse me from being considerate of other people’s time and feelings.

      Personally, in your shoes I’d focus less on why he acted in that way and more on compatibility with you. It’s early in a relationship- are you going to be okay emotionally investing in someone who acts this way from the outset?

      1. valentine*

        The one thing that might have helped him make the date would be less contact prior to it, saving the energy for the date, yet he is the one who initiated texting and thought responding within an hour while at work was reasonable. Huh. My guess is his question was a test, like, “Will you put up with more of this?”

        That said, if you consider the texting/calling him giving you the full court press, you have the opposite now, but outside of this dynamic y’all created, no response after just 24 hours doesn’t seem major. I mean, what kind of contact level do you expect a prospective partner to sustain?

    2. coffee cup*

      I totally can empathise with this, having done a lot of online dating (unfortunately!). At this point, I think the priority is you. It doesn’t matter why he’s ignoring you, the fact is that he is, and it’s not what you need or want. It’s not making you feel good. In fact, it’s making your stomach hurt! You can’t and shouldn’t attempt to ‘diagnose’ him (even if you’re trying to be kind and take him into consideration) because ultimately you haven’t met him and have no idea what he’s truly like. All you can really go on is ‘he’s ignoring me’. And it isn’t a good sign. Don’t text him – you already did that. I *know* (really know!) how tempting it is. But it’s up to him now to respond.

      In the meantime, distract yourself with nice things. Maybe text a friend instead? If you have an understanding friend, see if they’ll engage you in a long texting chat. I find texting someone else gets the urge to text out of my system and stops me wanting to text ‘the guy’ so much.

    3. Invisible Fish*

      Take my reply with an entire shaker full of salt, but step waaaay, waaaaay back. I’m sure he’s great and fun and considerate and such, but if he’s an adult who is having trouble managing his needs to the point that he bails on a first date, he obviously has some personal introspection still to do. (The salt I mentioned above comes from a long term relationship who dealt with ADD and presented similarly – he was a good person and the relationship had its very good points, but I made so many exceptions that my needs often were not met. I’m not saying to NOT meet him, but I am advising you to be super cautious- always make sure your needs are being met. Right now, it doesn’t seem like they are.)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Hang on to the fact that when people first meet they are on their best behavior. This right now is his best behavior.

      Decide how much energy you want to put into this. Relationships are a two way street. I think your last paragraph with all the questions tells you what you what you need to know about this relationship (non-relationship).

      People can be very likable and almost have a magnetic appeal initially. I am pretty conservative in my life choices. I always say watch out for the people with magnetic appeal, sometimes (not always) they are all flash and no substance. I see a huge caution flag here.

    5. hazel*

      I think his flakiness and his reported ADHD are separate issues. This dude bailed on you at the 11th hour, then sent you a cryptic text, and then ignored you. I’m exhausted just reading about this and you and your time deserve to be treated with respect.

        1. JSM*

          Agreed. I have a friend who is charming and brilliant, but terrible to her romantic partners. So terrible, that sometimes I wonder if I should remain friends with her. She has been the other woman more than once. She has a tendency of being flaky and canceling first dates. I’m not saying he is a cheater, but I do believe that canceling a first date and then disappearing is a serious red flag. It is a disregard for you and your time.

          As an aside, I have a different friend who has ADHD and she is a wonderful partner. This is not the type of behavior that I would expect from her. They are totally separate things.

          There are calculated risks, and there are high risks. This screams the latter to me.

      2. WellRed*

        Exhausted! This is waaay too much work for someone you haven’t even met. He’s just not that into you. His loss.

        1. Brihanne LeMarre*

          This. I did a lot of swiping in my dating career and this just screams RED FLAG. No one bails on a first date if they’re truly excited about meeting you. You deserve better.

      3. Brioche*

        Yes, agreed. I’m a 28 year old woman with crazy bad ADHD and I do not flake out on people because of my dumb brain. Especially on a first date. Run, run far away.

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      An ex-boyfriend of mine (25 years ago, call him Ben) who has since become one of my closest friends (and a friend of my husband’s) has ADHD. It absolutely does affect him in ways that can be pervasive and subtle, and is probably the reason he’s not answered.

      1) The #1 lesson I have learned in 25 years of ‘trying to hang out with Ben’ is that I have to accept him / his behaviors as belonging to / pertaining to *him*. They are in no way a reflection of his feelings for me. If he cancels, is late, etc, it is not because he doesn’t respect (or, back in the day, lust for) me, it is because he’s struggling to function.

      2) If you choose to move forward, then yes, pursue him in a polite and respectful way. Be patient, and expect to be the planner. ADHD affects his ability to plan realistically, and the whole ‘trying to put his best foot forward’ puts a *ton* of pressure on himself, that’s going to tie into anxiety and prevent him from contacting you. Anxiety usually goes along with ADHD.

      3) You will very much need to state your needs, and see if he can meet them. If you *need* every day courting, he is not for you. If you need someone who understands struggle, then maybe.

      4) He probably has no filter. If he says something that you don’t like, take a breath, repeat it back, and ask him to confirm that he meant what he said. If you’re discussing plans, state what *you* want clearly, and ask what he thinks about it.

      Ben is not universal, but my experience has been that dating someone with ADHD means you have to be very comfortable with explicit communication, with stating your goals / desires, and really accepting, at an emotional / self-confidence level, that when they don’t give what you desire, it’s them, not you.

      All that said, Ben is one of the top 3 of my ex’s that I would recommend to other women. He’s kind, caring, funny, etc. If he’d wanted kids, there’s a 50/50 chance we’d have married (it was also long distance, and we’re a little too much alike; Mr. Jules is definitely one of the ‘opposites attract’). He is now pretty much my brother, renting our house’s mother-in-law suite. He’s in a 3-year relationship and is right now helping Mr. Jules diagnose the funny sound my car tire is making.

      But never ever ever move his keys. He’ll never find them. (ADHD people usually have routines / systems to help them cope; if you mess with them, it will really fuck him over, much more than people who can just remember where they last saw the keys.)

      1. Washi*

        These seem like awesome tips, and yet, my honest reaction: if you need to stock up on a bunch of strategies for someone you haven’t even met yet? Too much work, step way back.

        I’m curious if others have had great relationships that were hard work in the beginning, because in my own experiences, great relationships always felt EASY at the beginning. If we had long-term compatibility, that was pretty much always reflected in how the first couple months went in terms of making time to see each other, having a good time, and expressing how we were feeling about each other. With my husband, I joked that someone must have given him a Washi-cheatsheet beforehand, because I just found him so completely and utterly on point.

        I’m not saying the OP should completely write this guy off, but I would definitely let the ball be in his court now, and be ready to end things if it continues to feel off.

    7. Anon attorney*

      If he hadn’t told you he had ADHD, how would you be interpreting and dealing with his behavior?

      Having dated a variety of neuroatypical folks, one for a long long time, my take is that yes, there are behaviors one chooses to accommodate but the fundamentals like respect, liking, considerateness need to be in place regardless – in other words, being non neurotypical is not a free pass to jerk someone around.

      It’s tempting to overlook and make rationalisations when there’s a spark. But it seems to.me that this guy is a lot of effort at s very early stage, diagnosis or no diagnosis. You’re allowed to bail on him without that making you a prejudiced or privileged person – it’s a date not a job interview. If you don’t want even more of this to come, it is ok – sad, disappointing and all – to take a pass now.

      1. lobsterp0t*

        Yep exactly. It kind of doesn’t matter if he has it or not. At this stage the thing that matters is: is the behaviour acceptable to you?

        He hasn’t earned flexibility from you yet in terms of being a shitty date.

        And also if he didn’t say “sorry, adhd day, let’s rearrange to Tuesday at 11pm and the drinks are on me” then… I think you just gotta take it at face value.

        For me, I don’t cancel on people I have to make a good impression on. I cancel on people who already love me!

    8. T. Boone Pickens*

      So…as someone who has been through the online dating wars I think you need to take a hugggeeeeee step back. You sound way too invested in a dude you haven’t even met yet…and who cancelled on you at the 11th hour. Honestly, I’d pull the plug and walk away as he’s giving off serious red flags already. He’s already laid the groundwork for being difficult to pin down with his two jobs and alleged medical condition. I think there’s a non zero chance you got canceled on so he could go out with someone else.

    9. Nom de Plume*

      Honestly, I’d cut this guy loose. This guy is showing you who he is. Do you like it? Do you want more? Honestly, I do t think it matters WHY he’s acting the way he is. The bottom line is that he isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated. At this stage of dating, people are on their best behavior. They want to get dates, after all! This is his best. I promise you that there are men out there who are honest, reliable, and worthy of you. They keep their promises and they don’t jerk women they’ve never met around.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, at this stage of a relationship, the “why” isn’t important. The “why” matters for, say, my relationship with my husband or my best friend of 10 years or whatever, but for a guy you’ve never met? No chance. Do LESS WORK.

        1. Artemesia*

          This. There is much I would cope with if my husband of nearly 50 years posed some new challenge. And that goes way back. But no way would I start a new relationship with someone who is this problematic out of the gate. Plenty of people with ADHD don’t share that before they even meet you and then behave like toads. Someone managing his responsibilities and ADHD well will not pose such challenges this early — he is just jerking you around and you are putting in way too much work ‘understanding’.

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If “can I see you early?” followed the next day by “I’m burned out, can I have a rain check” and not suggesting a raindate is presenting himself at his best, that’s all you need to know.

      Especially at this stage when you haven’t actually met, this behavior is how he’s presenting himself.

    11. Lindsay*

      He sounds exhausting and dramatic. If he’s like this now, can you imagine actually being in a relationship with him? I would bail.

    12. Millicent*

      If this is how much work you’re putting into a guy you haven’t even met yet, it will only get worse.

    13. archangelsgirl*

      I’m not going to tell you whether to pursue or not. I’m just going to tell you that everything he told you is legit ADHD and the anxiety that goes with it stuff. In my experience with loved ones with this condition, ADHD is very often about having big ideas/plans/hopes/aspirations, and then bailing when it comes time to execute. It’s exhausting to support and love people with this condition. Make no mistake. Often, it’s all about them.

      Those of us who are neurotypical have a very hard time understanding how much “goes by” and ADHD person. Example: You’re getting coffee before work. You see a mother with a baby in a stroller in a coffee shop and hold the door and give a smile. Automatically, your brain goes, baby, stroller, cumbersome, new mom, tired, door. An ADHD person doesn’t “see” the baby and the mom the same way we do. Maybe they don’t see it at all. What’s more likely though is that it penetrates in about half an hour, “Oh, my god, there was a mom and a baby and a stroller, and then I didn’t even hold the door. I’m a horrible person.” Then, anxiety. This has happened BEFORE THE WORKDAY EVEN STARTED! Try to imagine how many tiny things like this build up throughout the course of a normal day. It is exhausting to revisit every move you make, all day long, and wish you’d handled it differently.

      I’m just offering you validation that this person is likely not “lying” to you. My guess is, looked over your correspondence and now perseverating over a) things they said to you; b) things you said to them; c) (big one) responses they gave you that they now think are in appropriate, and they are embarrassed.

      Only you can say if you want to pursue (or if you will even have that option). Supporting a person with ADHD is tiring, but also rewarding. It’s just that it’s so much more than “not being able to pay attention.” Well, it is that, but hoping the baby and stroller example helps you understand that “not being able to pay attention” ALL THE TIME, is a really big thing, with really big implications.

      1. Marvel*

        Hmm. This isn’t really how I experience ADHD at all.

        I think it’s important to realize that ADHD is a catch all term for a large set of symptoms that are extremely variable from person to person. I have a bunch of friends who also have ADHD, and NONE of us experience it exactly the same way. In some cases our experiences are so different that it’s like having two completely different disorders.

        My point is: I would be careful with trying to generalize like this, or make blanket statements about us being “exhausting to love” (yikes), especially when you don’t experience this yourself.

        1. EinJungerLudendorff*

          Yeah, this.
          Also, he is still responsible for his actions and for how he treats you. And if this is indeed from his ADHD, expect more of this if you decide to go on.

          I mean, I’ve done things like this in the past, but that is also why I’m not trying to date people. Because I know I’d (unwillingly) do stuff like this.

    14. MissGirl*

      I honestly was a little judgmental when I saw how much energy you’d invested in a guy you hadn’t even met yet. Then I remembered I’m still giving mental space to a guy who ghosted me after one date last year. He too canceled right before a second date (I asked him).

      Rejection sucks and that’s what this is. You’re trying to justify his behavior to lessen the pain.

      The truth is this guy isn’t into you enough to date you or he would. My date wasn’t interested in me enough to date me or he would. Some guys are just flaky. We’re both better off dating guys who are willing to put in the effort.

    15. TextFail*

      I had a similar experience with an online person recently.

      During NaNoWriMo, I messaged someone who had posted on the message board saying they were looking for writing buddies. One person seemed really cool and their initial response was immediate, super friendly, and they said they would be online to talk every day. Took them a few days to respond to my next message, and they basically just complained about dealing with their bipolarism. Took them a week to respond to my next message, but they were back to being super friendly and cool. Then took them two weeks to respond (even though I saw them posting on the message board) with an excuse that they were “so sick this past week!” and a dismissive comment (“What is your story about? I don’t even remember what genre you write in!” even though my first message said I wrote the same genre as her…would have taken five seconds to check).

      I was looking for someone fun to chat with about writing somewhat regularly, and it was clear they weren’t going to be reliable or considerate. Possibly because they were dealing with bipolar stuff? I initially felt obligated to give them more chances because of that, but just ended up not responding (and declining the friend request they sent). People with medical problems deserve some leeway and understanding, but they need to earn it first by showing that they’re a good person. Medical problems aren’t an excuse to be a jerk to someone you barely know.

      So, yeah, if you’d been dating this guy for a couple months and this was the first problem, I’d think you should try to be sympathetic and give him a chance to apologize and fix things. But as things are, you don’t owe him anything. I’d just take everything at face value instead of taking medical issues into account. If he didn’t have ADHD, what would you do?

    16. Marvel*

      As someone with ADHD… this has nothing to do with ADHD. Treat it the same as you would with anyone else.

    17. RagingADHD*

      My husband and I both have ADHD. He was and is, by far, the most thoughtful and considerate person I have ever been with. Much nicer than me, really.

      We had a few miscommunications and missed connections at the beginning, but once we got in a rhythm of how to connect, and built trust in each other’s intentions, it’s been great.

      I think there is more going on here than ADHD. It is often comorbid with depression and/or anxiety, and the 3 things can get jnto a negative cycle and make each other worse.

      I know you were excited about the date and are now disappointed. But I think he’s being really transparent with you. From my perspective, it doesn’t look like he’s treating you badly.

      He told you he’s exhausted and not feeling well, and needs some time on his own to rest.

      If he had the flu and you still saw him online occasionally, would you take it personally?

      I’d say, don’t cut him off but downgrade your emotional investment. If and when you meet IRL, you can assess whether you want more dates.

      For now, he’s just an interesting person you chatted with a little bit. There are no obligations on either side.

    18. lobsterp0t*

      This seems intense for a brief text only flirtation and almost date.

      Which isn’t at all surprising to me because that can be super intense.

      And ADHDers are also often super intense.

      I mean… in this case this seems like a lot of interactions in online dating. Lots of stuff doesn’t make it past the online part. Even if you talked on the phone and everything.

      But also… he’s a teacher AND has a side gig. And it’s just after a long weekend and mid winter. ADHDers are definitely prone to burnout.

      Either way you don’t need to wait around for him. Let it sit for a while. Go live your life. Come back to it in a week or two.

      I think he asked about expectations because he was super in it and then real life struck and he decided for whatever reason that now wasn’t the time to add another spinning plate. So maybe that was a fairly passive way of alerting you to manage your own expectations of him.

    20. It's a Yes From Me*

      I was married for many years to a man with extreme ADHD. He also had challenges keeping commitments, but was sure to keep the ones he really wanted, including seeing me as often as possible. I’m sorry to say it sounds like the guy you met is a classic example of “He’s just not that into you.”

    21. AcademiaNut*

      At some level, the ADHD is a red herring. What you know now

      – he’s fun to chat and talk with
      – his schedule is so full that he had to schedule a date ten days in the future
      – he cancelled a date at the last minute, saying he was too tired/overwhelmed to see you
      – he’s now ignoring you
      – you’re stressed out to the point of stomach ache

      That sounds like way too much stress and hard work for someone you haven’t even met yet! It really doesn’t matter why he’s doing this. If it turned that he’s frequently unavailable, cancels dates, and goes incommunicado when he’s stressed solely because of ADHD would that make it all okay and you’d be perfectly fine with it, or would you still be stressed out?

    22. it me*

      That sounds like me, earnestly wanting to do this dating stuff right, and then becoming overwhelmed by everything going on in my life and shutting down and flaking on people. I don’t have ADHD but I struggle with anxiety and depression.

      I can recognise it now, that I was self absorbed and that it wasn’t right to disappear on good people. I am deeply sorry for the hurt I caused.

      You can have compassion for him, AND decide what’s right for you. Whether it is to step back a little or to cut him out of your life or something else. Do what brings you peace of mind.

      1. Sahara (34/F/she/her)*

        I wouldn’t say that you were self-absorbed. You did what was right for you, with the tools you had. Just because something is right for us, doesn’t mean it’s right for other people.

        I sincerely hope you get some help for your anxiety and depression so you can get better.

        Thank you. x

        1. it me*

          I am working with my therapist, and am learning new tools to deal with my JerkBrain.

          And one thing I’m learning is that I can accept responsibility, AND have self-compassion to understand that I did the best with the tools I had.

          You are a deeply compassionate person, and I hope you are kind to yourself as you deal with the intense emotions you feel for this person.

    23. Sahara (34/F/she/her)*

      Thank you, everyone, for your replies. It’s been a real eye-opener reading the different perspectives, especially from those who have ADHD themselves or have experience dating or being friends with those with ADHD. I never knew ADHD was this… complex. I have a lot of pondering to do. Definitely going to let it sit while I continue to live my life. I’ll be ok no matter what.

      xx

      1. Courageous cat*

        I think you’re viewing this… waaaay way too much through the lens of ADHD. It’s not like he has a major personality disorder. I would really try to put that part of it away and not use it to reason this away or excuse it away or whatever is going on. He’s a person like any other, and he’s not being a great one, and it likely is not related to ADHD which is by all accounts not a likely excuse for “why is this person flaky and weird”.

      2. Anon PhD*

        I just wanted to say that, while I have zero experience with ADHD, I like what the majority of others wrote – take step back, you will for sure be ok and this dude and his ignoring you, ain’t worth your precious time. As a fellow 30 something gal, who is also looking for her man, I am sending you lots of happy warm thoughts…be good to yourself, do something nice for yourself today and try to forget this dude for now.

      3. Managing to Get By*

        When I was doing the online dating thing a few years back I found that there was a subset of guys who were very into messaging often, but when it came time to meet or not they faded away. It’s like they want a connection with very little effort and not putting much at risk, they wanted a virtual girlfriend. Some would sound very interested and, like this guy, want a much deeper level of connection than was appropriate given that we’d not even met yet. Then, when it seemed we couldn’t keep on daily messaging without actually meeting they go “poof!”.

        My advice is let this guy go. If he starts messaging again, set a boundary of no more late night phone calls and daily messaging until after you actually meet. And be careful about getting caught up by one of these guys again.

    24. Lucette Kensack*

      I agree with the others that you need to take a deep breath and step back.

      He has been having oddly, but I specifically want to call your attention to some stuff that you’ve been doing that I think you should take a look at: when he canceled your date, a healthy-boundary response to someone you’ve never met would be “Sorry you’re having a tough day! I know how that can be. Let me know if you want to get together another time” — not “Do you want my help dealing with your difficult emotions?” followed by advice based on his specific situation.

      I don’t know if this is a great guy who had a hard week and is really bummed that he had to cancel, or a flaky guy who is pulling the same kind of stunt lots of people do on dating apps, or something in beautiful. It doesn’t really matter at this point! You need to detach yourself from all the wondering about his social activities and neurological health, and go about your life. Perhaps he’ll pop back up and you’ll have a great first date and see where that takes you! Or maybe he’ll disappear completely, or maybe it’ll be frustratingly in between and he’ll try to reengage and then get flustered again, and you’ll go through this cycle three more times before you give up on him. Nothing you do now will change that, other than taking care of yourself.

      (I’ll also say that my read on his “expectations” comment is that he’d worried that he won’t meet your expectations in some way and he’s insecure about it.)

      1. Lucette Kensack*

        What a weird typo. The first sentence of that second paragraph should have ended up “something in between,” not “something in beautiful.”

      2. RagingADHD*

        Agree very much. The whole texting thing can be very engrossing, but this is a complete stranger you have never even met.

        It is not reasonable or appropriate to expect him to meet your emotional needs. Neither is it reasonable to place yourself as an emotional support person.

    25. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      I’ve never dated anyone with ADHD, I *am* the person with ADHD.

      Besides a short attention span, he might struggle with impulse control, poor planning and time management, low self esteem, over sensitivity to rejection, anxiety and a bunch of other things. He might have all this well under control and he might not. He might also be a warm, smart, empathetic, creative and original thinker. Or he might not.

      We’re all different :)

      He does sound somewhat impulsive and maybe anxious.

      I think this is the the key thing: you are “only two weeks into knowing of each other’s existence”. It sounds as though you have both escalated this too quickly (poor impulse control) into an intense emotional thing and now are feeling the results of that. Take a break and let him do the same, and then see how you feel.

      Good luck!

      1. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

        I’ve reread the other comments. Poorly managed ADHD can cause *exactly* this behaviour, contrary to some views. It doesn’t mean that you have to put up it though. But those who say this is likely unrelated to ADHD and just general jerk behaviour, I strongly disagree.

    26. Salsa Your Face*

      I’m way late to the party on this, but the last time I dated someone who kept cancelling on me last minute, it’s because he was trying to hide the fact that he was already in a long-term relationship.

      Also, I have ADHD, and I know that no two people are the same and all, but there’s no way my own issues would get in the way of seeing someone I was excited about seeing. ADHD makes it hard for me to do the necessary-but-boring things in my life, but it never gets in the way of things I’m looking forward to.

  5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Who here has ever given up on a work of classic literature? This week I tried (at almost 40 years old) to read Moby-Dick for the first time. I couldn’t do it. It seemed like there was perhaps 30 pages’ worth of story in 450-plus pages.

    Not only didn’t I finish, but I found myself getting more and more frustrated–angry, even–reading it. This book is required reading for a lot of high school kids (I had an awesome, young feminist rebel of an English teacher junior year of high school and we somehow avoided it). I began to think that if 15 year olds are forced to read horrendously bloated, tedious books like Moby-Dick, it’s no wonder that so many people grow up to hate reading and that reading has such a stigma attached to it in the U.S., and that’s led to us becoming an almost totally illiterate society with a reality TV star as our president…

    Totally irrational reaction? Or have you ever had the same feeling reading one of the classics?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      My first degree is in literature. I think your reaction is normal. Some books don’t age well; they’re classics for somewhat valid reasons but that doesn’t mean that today’s audience will respond well to them. Sometimes, when you’re given the context, it makes it easier to read the classics. I’m a big fan of not reading stuff we don’t like, though (unless we choose to study literature and then, we just have to plow through it).
      I’ve never read Moby Dick, but from your description it doesn’t seem like a good book to give high schoolers to read. Maybe excerpts would be better? Or another book completely. :D

      1. tangerineRose*

        I gave up on most “classic” books in high school. Most of them were just depressing. If a book is sad, I don’t want to read it, even if it’s well-written. I wonder if that is discouraging kids from reading. I was hooked on books long before I had to read some of the classics, so this didn’t discourage me from reading in general.

        1. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

          I found the teacher made all the difference to my understanding and enjoyment of those books.

          I had some wonderful teachers who brought Shakespeare to life. And others who killed him stone dead.

          I especially remember a novel by LP Hartley (?), because it had a “naughty” scene at the end of one chapter. Our extremely shy teacher tried to avoid reading it (thus bringing it everyone’s attention) by stopping for the day on the page before. The next day she resumed with the next chapter, effectively skipping the questionable paragraph. Everyone started to call out to her that she had missed a bit and she was forced to read it, blushing, under the malicious and delighted gaze of 25 15-year-old girls.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Agree! I’ve never got through Moby Dick either. The one I just can’t read no matter how many times I try is Wuthering Heights. I just can’t get through it.
      I love Charlotte and Anne Brontë’s writing, and I think Emily Brontë’s poetry is awesome, but that book…nope.

      1. Violet Strange*

        Yes, this. I have read arguments that Emily is the superior writer, but she is not the better novelist. I’ve read WH three times–@ ages 15, 30, 40–thinking perhaps I would appreciate it more with more life experience. Nope. I reread Jane Eyre for pleasure, though.

        I refused to major in English in college (literally everyone who knew me then thought that was the obvious major for book loving me) soloely because it required a course in Milton. No thank you.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I also was pressured to major in English because I love to read (in spite of what I just posted) and am a writer — but honestly, in high school, I read the Cliffs Notes for just about every assigned book. I kind of liked Shakespeare, for some reason. Almost everything else… just no. I thought four years of having to read and analyze the classics would be absolute torture.

          1. Enough*

            Reading is not the basis for majoring in English. Love to read, hate to have to analysis everything I read

        2. Anonyme*

          I’m the opposite. I’ll re-read Wuthering Heights (although I find it so ridiculous I do so when I want a laugh) but Jane Eyre irritates me.

          1. Jane of all Trades*

            Same here! I love Wuthering Heights and will reread it every so often. Jane Eyre on the other hand .. ugh!
            One book I tried multiple times and just absolutely couldn’t finish is vanity fair.

          2. smoke tree*

            Oh, I love all of them, but I have a particular soft spot for Emily and her ghosts and moors and habit of cauterizing her own wounds with a fireplace poker.

        3. Berkeleyfarm*

          A full course? Yikes.

          I had one quarter of mostly-Milton and it was quite enough.

          “For malt does more than Milton can
          To justify God’s ways to man” – A. E. Housman

      2. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

        Haha that’s quite funny, because I read WH (on purpose) when I was 14. It was sooo dramatic and sooo romantic. I loved Heathcliff (if I’ve remembered his name correctly after so many years). I still have my childhood copy but somehow I’ve never been drawn to reading it again.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      Absolutely. Every book, classic or not, gets the 100-page test from me. If I am not engaged and caught up in the story within those first 100 pages, it’s not for me, and I don’t waste any more time on it.

      That includes many of the so-called classics. I bounced hard off Moby Dick, like you, and I was not a fan of most of the Dickens I have tried, either.

      I completely agree that high school lit classes absolutely need to be overhauled in terms of reading material. How can you expect a squirmy 16-year-old to develop a love of literature if you force them to waste weeks reading centuries-old bilge? Bring a bit of creativity to the curriculum, for heaven’s sake, and get some current, topical, interesting fiction in the mix as well! Trust me, great literature did not stop being created in the 20th century, or in the 21st.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        I love Dickens, other than a couple of overly sentimental stories clearly written for a special holiday edition of whichever paper was paying him.
        What I cannot get through is Beowulf. Not even as an audiobook on a long drive with no alternatives. According to the Cliff Notes, there ought to be a good story in there somewhere. Couldn’t prove it by me.
        I also am not a fan of Don Quixote. When I had to write a term paper on it, I actually did extra reading so I could do a “compare & contrast” with other picaresque heroes rather than waste a single additional brain cell on Cervantes.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My high school English classes were doing that—they mixed up Stranger in a Strange Land with Oliver Twist, for example. But middle school, ugh. One class list we called “the year of depressing literature”: Silas Marner, Ethan Frome, the Red Badge of Courage, the Bell Jar, Lord of the Flies… The only relief I remember was Gulliver’s Travels, and even THAT we read right after ‘A Modest Proposal” (to teach us satire). My daughter’sclasses do far are mixing it up a lot better.

    4. anon24*

      I love reading, and as a kid would read almost anything I could get my hands on. I always read well above my age level and my mom would go crazy trying to find books that were appropriate for me to read that met my reading ability, because I was reading full length novels by first grade.

      I hated most of the reading I had to do in school. I did not read Moby Dick but I thought that a lot of the classics were just wordy shite. All I wanted was the author to get to the damned point! Stop talking about the story and move it along already! I have up on Gulliver’s Travels, just refused to read any further because I thought it was incredibly stupid (my brother thought it was hilarious), and I wanted to give up on Uncle Tom’s cabin for being way too drawn out and wordy but my mom forced me to finish it because she thought it was important. I still look upon it as the worst book I’ve ever read. The plot was good, it just wouldn’t end.

      I definitely think that’s why most people hate reading. If that’s all I’d ever read I wouldn’t go near a book either. But I also think that a lot of new novels are not well done either, I think writing quality is really declining recently and I think that is a shame. There are definitely some really good authors out there still but I read some recent releases and am disappointed by clunky writing, awkward dialogue, and typos.

    5. Ms. Ann Thropy*

      Life is too short to force yourself to finish Moby-Dick, or any other book. It’s worth remembering that even the classics were not universally acclaimed at the time of their publication. I used to believe I had to finish every book I started (or what? I don’t know) but just as we don’t have to keep trying with every relationship, we can drop a book without guilt. Let it go, and find another book that you will actually enjoy.

      1. reader*

        Admission that my doctorate is in literature, but not American lit (blargh). If it’s American and not written by a woman of color – I miss Toni Morrison – I probably dislike it. However, I read all my partner’s AmLit when we moved in together. Moby Dick made me mad at first too, but I slogged through. There can be value in the slog, but there are books I will. not. finish. One was A clockwork Orange. I got to page 47 and knew my soul would be damaged by continuing. Another was Lincoln in the Bardo. The critics are correct about the great stylistic things happening, but come on (cue “men, men, men, men” ). Anyway, read what you like.

      2. Teacher Lady*

        Oh my gosh, SAME. When I was 24 I attempted to read A Tale of Two Cities, even though I was fairly certain Dickens would not appeal to me (because many similar/contemporary authors had previously not appealed to me), and then 20-odd pages in, I was like, “I don’t enjoy this, and nobody is making me read it, so I’m going to stop.” It was SO liberating. I still don’t abandon many books; I actually just finished one that, in retrospect, I should have abandoned (it had NO plot), but I did abandon one the first week of January. I’ll never read every book I want to, so why waste time?

    6. Lady Jay*

      I have both a BA & an MA in English and I give up on so-called classic literature all the time. A short list:
      * Adam Bede
      * Anna Karenina
      * The Count of Monte Cristo
      * Les Miserables (loved the movie, just couldn’t handle the book)

      Also, there’s other books I’ve finished but don’t care for (Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, anything Steinbeck). Just because they got added to the canon, and now are impossible to shift off of there, doesn’t make them “good,” nor worth reading. As the reading materials available have grown more diverse, represented more people’s experiences, I think it’s easier to see how classics like Moby Dick represent a very narrow slice of human experience, and to seek out books that offer up a bit more of the pie. Thankfully, I do think that both high schools and colleges are, as much as possible, teaching more texts – I was on Twitter last night, reading a thread by a HS teacher introducing her students to Octavia Butler’s Kindred.

      1. TL -*

        See I loved the Count of Monte Cristo. And Anna Karenina. And Dickens and Jane Eyre and though I wish I had read the abridged version, I really liked Les Mis (hate the movie and don’t like the musical, though – too much left out.) And I got a lot of reading them, as well. To be fair, none of them were required reading for me, but I did like most of my required reading as well. (Except Bless Me, Ultima – which I would probably like better as an adult.)

        “Good” literature is an inherently subjective thing and what is “worth” reading varies so hugely person to person that it’s impossible to define. I’m really glad my teachers assigned the reading they did in high school – it’s books I wouldn’t have read otherwise and even though I didn’t realize it then, they took up a small place in my head that has lasted a long time.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Which, great for you.

          But choosing which literature to read in high school or college is a zero sum game. And in my view, it’s better to pull some of the longer, more difficult and dense works and assign works like Kindred – which are equally high quality and invite students to wrestle with and reconsider the world we inhabit now.

          A bonus for reading shorter texts such as Kindred is that students are more likely to read the entire thing, rather than excerpts of longer works. I do think that “making it all the way through a book” is an accomplishment and teaches people to read in a way that picking up on excerpts doesn’t.

          1. TL -*

            Of course it’s a zero sum game – but I’d strongly argue that Les Mis invited me to wrestle with the world I inhabit today. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer for assigned reading; it should just be done intentionally. I had one teacher who taught almost entirely classic American POC authors and one who taught the classic American canon and both were great because they were teaching to their strengths. Neither of them liked YA, though, so while my middle school teacher taught contemporary YA well, I don’t think either of my high school teachers would have done a good job teaching modern literature.

            1. Lady Jay*

              I do not, in fact, claim that older texts *don’t* invite us to wrestle with today’s world – because of course they do! But quite a bit has been published since Les Miz and Moby Dick and Gatsby and the rest, and some stuff, including stuff published at the time (say, the novels by American POC that you describe) has historically fallen through the cracks. I get excited when our curricular choices acknowledge this. And yes, teachers teaching what they’re passionate about makes sense. (I tried to teach James Fenimore Cooper once, per the set curriculum; and it was such a flop, because The Last of the Mohicans is such a boring book.)

              Whether HS should teach YA is another question altogether, and depends largely on the YA novel in question, and the grade level of the students. Something like Carlos Ruiz Zafron’s Shadow of the Wind or Ursula Le Guin’s Earthsea is probably rich enough for teaching; all the Redwall books, much as I enjoy them, likely not.

                1. Lady Jay*

                  I’d count “middle grade” as YA – just depends on your definition of YA (is it JUST for high schoolers?) In any case, my point stands that some YA is more suitable for teaching than others.

                2. foxinabox*

                  Yeah, agreed, Redwall is MG–the core reading demo for them has always generally been about 9-11.

                  (Conflating YA and MG isn’t a huge deal in that people do it all the time, but for the record the book industry uses the terms as discrete and consistent categories. MG refers to chapter books aimed at approximately ages 8-12 and YA refers to books for ages 13-18. No two readers alike, categories are broad, etc etc but the two terms do have distinct meanings in publishing, and by extension libraries and bookstores.)

        2. Nessun*

          So very true!! I loved Dostoevsky and Shakespeare in school, but I couldn’t stand some of the shorter novels (Gatsy still sends me into fits). I had a beloved teacher who wanted me to read her favourite novel Of All Time, Doctor Zhivago…it took me FOUR MONTHS when I can devour a book in a weekend. I loathed it, and I was so very sad to give her back her copy and have to explain that no, I didn’t love it like she did. I couldn’t even chat with her about it. She was devastated.

          1. Blue Eagle*

            Your comment about Dr. Zhivago reminds me of the time in college I went to the movie with a male friend (not a date) and it was so long and boring I fell asleep for most of it. Give me a Daniel Silva book, though, and I’ll have the entire thing read in 24 hours.

        3. Koala dreams*

          The Count of Monte Cristo was my favourite in high school!

          I agree with you that I’m glad to have read some books that I didn’t enjoy in school. The point is to teach students about literature, not to let students read only the books they like the most. By introducing different kinds of reading, the students learn more about what literature can be.

      2. Windchime*

        I tried Anna Karenina several times and just could never get past the first 50 or so pages. I finally just decided that it wasn’t for me and gave away my copy. I did like Les Miserables, but there was a chunk of about 100 pages of story about the war that I totally skipped and I don’t think I missed anything pertinent. I also tried Moby Dick and never could get into it.

        When I was in high school, a teacher assigned us to read Catcher in the Rye. I thought it was stupid and so full of cursing that I couldn’t get through it, so he let me read Walden instead.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Yes, I remember trying to read Catcher in the Rye. Just couldn’t. Someone mentioned A Clockwork Orange. Didn’t realize it was a book, but went with boy I was dating to see the movie. It was too much for me. I had to go out and sit in the lobby.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          Same list of books given up on. I read the first couple chapters of AK and then the end and done. I don’t know if it was the particular translation that got to me or what but it was too much of a slog. Have only read the super-short abridged version of Moby Dick, with pictures on every other page! The unabridged version was not for me.

          Catcher in the Rye – nope, I lasted maybe 20 pages. For similar reasons I would have given up on Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man if I’d been allowed to switch books, I hated every minute of that one.

      3. Enough*

        Had a quarter of English senior year devoted to Russian writers. We were given a list to pick from. Don’t remember which one I read. Much prefer being given a choice within the genre then being forced to read just one.

      4. MissDisplaced*

        * Adam Bede
        Was forced to read this, and I absolutely HATED it. Ugh! Why is that considered classic?

    7. Parenthetically*

      Me! I have an English Lit degree. I have given up on Vanity Fair entirely, may try War & Peace again another time (I ADORE Anna Karenina), and couldn’t get into Middlemarch at all.

      I’ve taught Moby-Dick a couple of times and I have the same feeling as you. There are great classics that my high school students universally adored, and ones that were like pulling teeth to get them to read. Moby Dick is pompous and dull and I cut it from the syllabus whenever I could.

      1. Selmarie*

        I’m sure your students would thank you if they knew what you saved them from! I had to read it in college, and afterwards I always said to anyone who expressed an interest in reading it to read the first third and the last third — my recollection is that the middle third was all descriptions of whales and so, so boring! It’s also a bit heavy-handed on the literary themes for my taste, as well.

        1. Imtheone*

          That’s what the reviewers of the time said., “Why can’t Melville just write another fun adventure story?”

          The stuff about the whale is relevant – but was very out-of-step with the times when it was written.

          I liked War and Peace and Anna Karenina, both of which I read for a college class on Tolstoy. I was behind, and read them as fast as I could, which might have been for the best. I found the “war” parts of War and Peace to be very boring, though.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I did not get much out of most of the classics. It’s the same basic idea over and over. Horrible thing happens, people go through a bunch of misery and then the book is over. For the most part the common thread seemed to be focused on the futility of life. It’s not something I need more of.

      I remember in high school reading The Bell Jar. Okay, I think I read ten pages. A friend read ahead. The next thing I know she is talking about ending her life, the book was just too much and it made her think about the hopelessness in her life too much.
      Fortunately by then I realized that if I just regurgitated what was said in class on to a test, I would get a B on the test. There was no real need to read the book.

      Many of the books we HAD to read were really not appropriate for teenagers. Eh, 40 or 50 year old people would struggle with some of the issues that come up in these books.

      I don’t do well with long descriptive passages either. I feel my brain going to sleep as I read. To me it feels like the author is writing to please themselves and not thinking about the reader.

    9. Thursday Next*

      Russell Baker wrote a column many years ago saying that kids should not be assigned classics like Huckleberry Finn, because they can’t really appreciate it and it winds up souring them on the classics. He recommended (only half facetiously) a minimum age of 25 for classics.

      I have a PhD in literature, so I admittedly have a bias in favor of old/long works! Still, different things are going to appeal to different people, and there are plenty of classics out there if one you’ve tried doesn’t suit you.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I agree. As an adult I reread several Dickens and Twain books and really got a lot more out of them the second time around because I was more mature and had more life experience and was able to pick up on the humor and ideas that escaped me the first time I read them. That said, I didn’t think they were easy reads and it took a bit of effort to follow the plots and subplots and to understand the words. I had to look up quite a few archaic words in the dictionary.

        It seems to me that many of the authors of the classics spent a too much time with extraneous details that were unnecessary and that detracted from the main points the authors were attempting to make, as well as slowing down the reading process. I remember telling one of my college professors that one of the authors (Dickens probably) was a bit “wordy” and he laughed.

        Does anyone here remember “Readers’ Digest Condensed Books”? I have a new appreciation for them.

        As for Moby Dick, I still don’t really get it. It just seems silly and irrelevant and I find it hard to understand what other people saw in it when it came out or what the see in it now.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          My theory is that there just wasn’t much competition when it came to books in 1851, and Moby Dick was pretty much the only game in town, the same way that you only have one or two choices if you want cable TV now.

          1. Imtheone*

            Moby Dick wasn’t that highly thought of when it was first published. Melville’s adventure books were big hits (published earlier), and reviewers were befuddled about why he had so much about the whale in the book.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Dickens literally got paid by the word.

          It was common for many novels to start life as serials. Recaps and repetition were often used “for those who came in late.” And the pay structure incentivized wordiness.

        3. Jackalope*

          One of my profs when I was complaining about the length of Les Mis said that back before electronics people didn’t have as many leisure activities and so books had long rambly bits because that’s what people wanted. After that explanation I was able to appreciate some of the tangents in Les Mis (and after seeing the musical and movie I was able to appreciate the brilliance in all of the threads of story that Victor Hugo pulled together). It’s helped me gain a better appreciation for some of the older books I’ve read.

        4. Imtheone*

          Dickens was usually paid by the inch for his works, as they were first published in newspapers or periodicals. Some of the wordiness helped him earn a living!

    10. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I think that is a very normal reaction to Moby-Dick, honestly. For a loooooooong time the Library of Congress categorised it as “Cetology”, so that should tell you something.

      2. purplecat*

        I read Moby Dick as a 5th grader and remember it being long and boring with way too many chapters on whales and ambergris. I wanted a story, not a science textbook. I only finished it because it was for a book report.

    11. Jean (just Jean)*

      Was assigned Gibbons’ Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire in college and could. not. stay. awake. Period. Decades later I still recommend it as the cure for insomnia.

      Have never read Moby Dick myself.
      Sad but true: there’s an anti-intellectual streak a mile wide in American culture. However I think our cultural decline has been accelerated by the force-feeding of popular culture: celebrity drivel, reality TV shows, and other nonsense that drowns out topics of substance for all but the most strong-minded individuals. That and the accompanying glorification of wealthy folks and conspicuous consumption, starting with the Robber Barons in the late 19th century and going right on down to today.
      Sorry to be so grouchy. I’ll show myself out.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I agree, but I also think we don’t help ourselves by assigning the ancient classics and such over and over. It would make more sense to me if we started the introductory classes with more contemporary stuff. I was a nerd so I made myself read all of the things in school, but I really had to force myself to get through some of it. And we did more “fun” contemporary-ish stuff in the advanced English classes, but my friend in the “regular” class still had to read the old stuffy things like Dickens while we were reading Catcher in the Rye, which is much more digestible.

        1. MeepMeep*

          Now if they went for the truly ancient “ancient classics”, I think high school would have been a much more interesting place. I loved the Epic of Gilgamesh, but I didn’t discover it until I was long out of college.

    12. Autumn leaves*

      It’s the one book in high school that I didn’t finish. My high schoolers don’t read it though. Their lists are definitely more modern so there is hope

    13. Elizabeth West*

      English lit major here. We didn’t read Moby Dick. But as an avid horror fan, I had already read Frankenstein and Dracula and loads of Victorian ghost stories by the time we got to high school, so I was used to the somewhat stodgy prose. Most of the assigned books were modern or post-modern literature. I liked almost everything except for Great Expectations (hated it).

      Dracula would have been a better choice to teach high schoolers. The story hits the ground running and is packed with action. It can spark a fun discussion on the Victorian love of gadgetry (Dr. Seward uses a phonograph for his notes! Mina uses a typewriter!), and other issues like protectionism of women and the veneration of female virtue. It’s creepy as hell (the count crawling down the castle wall, y’all).

      And it’s never been out of print since its publication in 1897. Yet we never read it, not in high school or in college. *sigh*

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’ve never read Moby Dick, but I read Dracula years ago and loved it. Of course, I was helped along by the fact that it was a three-books-in-one that also included Frankenstein and Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde and a fantastic introduction by Stephen King that explained why these were classics of the horror genre. (And yep…all that early technology was a great part of the book!)

        I was actually reading Dracula during a spring thunderstorm when the power went out and I ended up reading it by candlelight. It was quite the experience, and one I highly recommend.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Quincey Morris goes out and shoots a bat while Lucy is panicking. We never learn if that helps or not, but by gum he does it!

        There’s a… idk, is it a fanfic if it’s published literature? Adaptation? A whatever, where Quincey Morris is an American Cowboy /Werewolf/, and I absolutely loved it and I have never found it again.

        1. scarlet magnolias*

          It may be Fanfic, but there is a book by P.N. Elrod that has Quincy as a vampire, being chased by his old friends trying to kill him. I would like a werewolf version as there just aren’t enough good werewolf books out there.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            It was a really good book. Helsing’s doing the garlic thing, and Seward is doing the doctor thing, and I think Arthur was just panicking while Johnathan and Mina comfort each other, and Werewolf!Quincey up and gives Lucy a six-shot revolver. With silver bullets! (Later, Helsing reveals that that’s how he knew what was up with Quincey. Only two people carry around silver bullets, ethical werewolves and monster hunters.)

            Unfortunately, Lucy would’ve needed blessed lead to harm drac, but it was still a really nice touch. I need to find that book again, it was really great.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh dear God not for me. I forced myself to finish Dacula this year and it took all my powers of skimming to do so. And gritting my teeth at the rampant misogyny and racism and classism. (We must PROTECT the poor weak women…. even after protecting Miss Lucy’s mother meant she didn’t know not to fling open windows and discard garlic to make the air fresher for her ill daughter. Van Helsing’s dialect was painful. The wharf workers whose first reaction to a job was a drinking binge. The ‘locals’ when they travelled, especially the not so carefully camouflaged Roma? Bleh.)
        I have to wonder if there’s an edited edition running around that does justice to the underlying plot.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It does open up a larger discussion of those issues, which I mentioned. Also nobody said Bram Stoker was the best writer around, but the book is pretty exciting for a Victorian novel. Like I said, I was used to reading ghost stories from the period, some of which are absolutely hair-raising. Those are the parts of the novel I responded to most strongly.

      4. Here for randomness*

        Great Expectations is one of my least favorite books, and it was assigned reading in 2 classes in high school.

    14. matcha123*

      I had to read Dickens, can’t remember the title, for a high school English class. That was the only book I ever fell asleep reading.
      I loved and love reading, but I’ve never been able to immerse myself in books written prior to…the 1960s? The writing style is just too hard to follow.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        If you’re game, I’d suggest you try just one more… this one shows that even Victorian England had its lighter side, complete with college boy antics: Jerome K. Jerome, “three men in a boat”. It’s available on Project Guttenberg for a free download. Probably elsewhere as well.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I LOVE A Christmas Carol. It scared the SHIT out of me. But most of Dickens isn’t my choice.
        I do have a copy of Oliver Twist that was given to me by a neighbor who unfortunately passed away. I’ve never read it, but I’ll get to it one day.

    15. Nom de Plume*

      I read Moby Dick in high school. I actually read the entire fucking thing. Thoroughly unenjoyable. The worst part is that the kids who read the cliff notes version did way better on the test than I did. I wish I had skipped the book and done the cliff notes instead.

      This isn’t classic literature, but I quit reading Outlander about 70% of the way through. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Claire is a thoroughly unpleasant person, and she and Jaime need a safe word.

    16. MargaretG*

      As an English major in college, I read a lot of classics. A. Lot.
      Moby Dick was the only assigned classic where I just could not get through it and ended up reading a condensed Cliff Notes version. And, I feel I got the gist of the book reading that condensed version. The professor was certainly not going to quiz the class on how many gallons of blubber can be produced.
      No. They were going to quiz the class on the protagonist’s motivation or thematic allegory.
      So, don’t worry. Moby Dick can be read by skipping the whaling how-to chapters. I know I did.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        The whaling section was about 300 pages, I think. I ended up reading the first 125 pages and then the last 30. I think even that was too much.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Luckily we only had to read parts of it (the ones reprinted in the Norton Anthology of American Literature) and our professor literally said to just read the children’s book version because it’s way more fun.

    17. Rebecca*

      I have to confess something. Between my junior and senior year of high school, we were given a “summer reading list”. Moby Dick, Tale of Two Cities, Silas Marner, you get the picture. OK, so this is in the late 70’s. I was reading Stephen King, Alex Haley, you get the picture. I got through a few pages of many of the 30 or so books on that list, and um, no. Didn’t read one of them. Of course I turned in my paper with the appropriate number of checkmarks, after asking people what’s this book about? No Google in the 1970’s. I somehow skated through.

      I just couldn’t read them, they were awful and boring. I don’t think they stood the test of time.

    18. Overeducated*

      I love Moby Dick but I am really glad i didn’t have to read it in school, a timeline and overanalysis would have wrecked it. It’s just not a quick read or a plot driven book, it’s more atmospheric. It’s like a bottle of good Scotch rather than vodka or beer – you don’t slam down shots to get drunk or finish it in one night, you savor it slowly for months. Or i do, anyway. I respect that’s not everyone’s preferred reading experience but it was definitely not one the school curriculum would have made room for.

      2. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        I actually like some books for this reason. A lot of people find them boring but I like the settings (Jane Austen books being one.)

        1. Overeducated*

          Yes, I think some of the great things about Austen and Melville both are their attention to detail, ability to establish an atmosphere, and very subtle humor. Very different books, but they were both such careful writers.

      3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I think that’s a great analogy. In my case it really fits, because I also hate Scotch!
        There are so many things that I like that other people would never touch, so it cuts both ways. The beautiful thing about books is that there are no right or wrong answers.

    19. nep*

      I absolutely loved many things about Middlemarch. That book stayed with me for a long time, and in a good way. But I have to admit in many sections all I could think was, Why? Why are we spending so much time on this topic/component?

    20. Librarian of Many Hats*

      This was me back in high school with “The Scarlet Letter.” And I was a kid/teen who LOVED to read – so much so that I majored in English and went on to get my Master’s in Library Science! Unfortunately “The Scarlet Letter” was required reading for one of my classes so I had to finish it. But the whole time I was like: “I know Hester’s child is this evil-looking little demon baby. I know. I got it. I got it the first time you told us. You don’t have to remind us every 5 pages.”

      “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair was another tough read, but for entirely different reasons.

      1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        Oh yeah this is another one! I’ve never met anyone who actually liked this book.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          In defense of the Jungle, you’re not supposed to enjoy it. You’re supposed to be sickened and outraged, and then supportive of socialism.

          Which, absolutely not in defense of high school reading curricula, makes it a poor choice to force a bunch of high schoolers to read. There’s plenty of “classics” that aren’t going to make people ill (or triggered, with all the physical and sexual violence in that book), and there’s also plenty of books about the state of the industry at that time that aren’t going to trigger or sicken students if the point of assigning The Jungle is to discuss the relevant industry and the Pure Food Laws.

          Also, I’ve never known anyone who actually was assigned the book who was actually assigned the socialism chapters. I think, at least in the US, those are universally skipped, which is kind of cowardly in my opinion.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            Ugh, so many things in this book gave me nightmares. I found it compelling for many reasons, but high school me did not need all the graphic details. I don’t remember the socialism bits so maybe we cut those?

            1. KoiFeeder*

              Yeah, the socialism bits may not have been memorable because they’re, IIRC, the catharsis points so you don’t bluescreen from high-octane nightmare fuel. Which is incidentally one of the reasons I object to cutting them- the book is horrible to read if you don’t include those!

          2. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

            Sorry I was referring to Scarlet Letter! I’ve actually never heard of Jungle.

          3. Cassandra*

            I actually got to read the Jungle as part of an American history class, and that was AWESOME. I honestly loved reading it because we had the context behind why it was written. (Well, some of it…. I don’t think we discussed the socialism aspect too much :| ).

          4. Princesa Zelda*

            The Jungle is the only book I was assigned and didn’t actually finish in high school. I got to the first graphic scene and was like NOPE. My English teacher that year provided everyone with links to the Spark Notes and we talked a lot about the reasons for it being written and labor rights at the time. It was actually one of the best history lessons I had in high school.

          5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

            Sinclair is reputed to have said, later, that “I aimed for the nation’s heart and hit it in the stomach.”

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        The Scarlet Letter was one of the books we read my junior year of high school when I was fortunate enough to get the hot, rebel English teacher who didn’t teach Moby Dick. I generally had the same opinion as you — such a dreary book. But the teacher was SO INTO IT that it kind of rubbed off on me and made it borderline tolerable.

      3. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I like The Scarlet Letter! The A stood for Able! Between this and the number of people on this thread who hate Dickens, this thread is killing my soul.

    21. Tris Prior*

      I had to read Moby Dick in school and our teacher actually gave us a list of pages (chapters? can’t remember) that we were allowed to skip because they were so tedious and unnecessary to the plot and/or understanding this work of literature.

      My degree’s in English and I had to read a ton of classics in college and I did well in school and had professors pressuring me to go on to grad school in literature – and STILL I strongly disliked (and continue to dislike) most classics that I was required to read. Most of what I read these days is postapocalyptic fiction and urban fantasy involving the supernatural. My professors would be horrified!

    22. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      Not given up on it because I’m stubborn and force myself to finish books, but I’ve definitely read many classics that I just didn’t care for.

      – Robinson Crusoe has to be one of the most dull things I’ve ever read in my life
      – The Sun Also Rises – I feel like it’s a cardinal sin to criticize Hemingway but ima do it – he was basically an incel prototype.

      I definitely think that we should let kids read what they want without pushing some sort of literary elitism onto them – which let’s be honest, mostly props up White male authors.

      1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        Actually I don’t think the latter is a classic ha! But I remember forcing myself to read it because Hemingway, and wanted to die during the process.

        1. scarlet magnolias*

          So agree, but I wish Emma Thompson had ended up with Hugh Laurie who was married to the terrible pig nosed woman. No wonder he yearned after Emma.

      3. KarenK*

        I can’t read Jane Austen, but I can listen to any of her books all day! I find that the audio format makes many books easier to tolerate.

      4. pentamom*

        I am a really intense Austen fan, but I agree that one just has “first novel” written all over it. I still think it’s a pretty good book, but she had definitely not hit her stride yet. You can a lot of areas that she got a much better handle on by the next book, the most-beloved PP.

    24. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      No book, new or old, is for everyone. I gave up partway through Don Quixote, and am still grateful to my long-ago college English department for giving us official permission to skip one book from that semester’s reading list.

      And then I got overwhelmed by end-of-semester stuff in other classes, and was again grateful that one of the choices for a paper about *Ulysses* was “pick any one chapter to write about,” so it was okay that I only got a third of the way through the book. The difference is that I periodically consider going back to Joyce, and not to Cervantes. I’ll accept that Cervantes was satirizing a popular genre of the time–but it’s a genre that I’ve read none of, and doubt that even many native speakers of Spanish bother with these days.

    25. Squidhead*

      I actually enjoyed Moby Dick but, like everyone else here, have “classics” that I can’t stand (I’m looking at you, Mr. Dickens!).

      I’m currently re-reading Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms and am enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. And with many thanks to Mrs. Penn, my HS English lit teacher who actually focused on the writing (not just the plot) and taught me to tune into questions like “what is being implied?” “How do we know this character is mad/sad/happy?” “How does this passage feel…how do the words & pacing used make you understand a feeling?”

      My current dilemma has been whether or not to re-read Infinite Jest 20 years after first reading it. Anyone tried? Does it hold up? I was 21 when I first read it…will some more life experience help me empathize or just show me that it’s a bloated ridiculous text?

    26. Jaid*

      I remember reading The Fellowship of the Ring and The Kitchen God’s Wife by Amy Tan in HS. There a very few books I stopped reading after a couple of pages, but The Count of Monte Cristo is the one book that I skip the beginning and go straight to his prison scenes.

      The Tale of Genji…well Murasaki never finished it, so I tend not to bother with the part with the second generation. The kids are kinda asses anyway.

    27. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Journey to the Center of the Earth. I just.could.not.
      It was so VERY condescending toward women, that I just couldn’t get past it. I was so disappointed, because I wanted to love anything by Verne.

    28. KoiFeeder*

      Victor Hugo writes like my inner monologue works. I cannot and probably will never be able to read any of his books. I’m kinda sad about that, because by all accounts I’d probably like them, but if I have to read one more sidetrack on the Parisian sewer system I will just straight-up die.

      1. Lady Jay*

        The Parisian sewer system is, however, very interesting. While I couldn’t make it through Les Miz (I’m sorry, Victor Hugo, I just don’t care about the schematics of the Battle of Waterloo enough to read a 50-page chapter on it), I later visited the sewers during a trip to Paris – I learned *so much* about urban planning, government, and yes, the sewers. :)

        Highly recommend to anybody who visits Paris.

      2. smoke tree*

        I feel like Hugo and Melville shared a passion for the mundane so fierce that they forced themselves to slog through pages of nonsense about civil war, whaling battles, epic love and masturbation in exchange for the thrill of a deep dive on nunneries, the shape of a whale’s skull and sewage.

        Of course, I love both of them because my brain is a mysterious place.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          To be fair, the shape of a whale’s skull is quite amazing.

          More seriously though, I think that passion for the mundane is not a bad thing. It’s just that, well, autism brain already hyperfixates on things without the outside help of someone else explaining why their hyperfixations are wonderful. I learned my lesson with Melville (and the mockery I got for coming to class with whale facts that year).

          1. smoke tree*

            I agree! Although from a writerly point of view, I don’t think either Hugo or Melville was great at reading the room about which parts of their books the average reader would find enthralling.

    29. Sherm*

      I am repeatedly told that I am a very patient person. But I didn’t finish East of Eden. Maybe it’s not fair, but I felt that the book thought it was great without getting to showing me that it was great.

      I also didn’t finish Catch-22, and I know I may be the only one. When I chucked it, I was thinking “Okay, you’ve made that point…many times.”

      2. Bewildered lately*

        Really liked East of Eden. Cathy was wicked and interesting. Grapes of Wrath, however, had me drowsing at the first chapter…

    30. ArtK*

      Moby Dick is particularly hard. It’s really an encyclopedia of whaling with a short story in the margins.

    31. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Even though I was a total bookworm and read voraciously as a kid, I have many classic books and authors I never managed to get through, including Moby Dick. I’ve never managed to read any of the Brontes or Austen, got halfway through Don Quixote, I enjoy shorter works by Dostoyevsky but couldn’t finish the longer ones (they took so long to read I forgot half the plot), attempted War and Peace but only read a small bit of it, and so on. It makes me feel kind of stupid and shallow but I just can’t cope with the old-fashioned language in many of the classic books. I read enough long-winded academic stuff already, I’m not going to force myself to get through fiction that reads the same way.

    32. DCR*

      I was in an IB program in high school, so didn’t read most of the classics that people normally read during high school. Instead, we read a very international mix of books (Things Fall Apart, The Things They Carried, Invisible Man, etc.), but I can’t recall a single book we read by a British author expectShakespeare. At one point in college, I considered reading the “classic “bucks that everybody else had read. I started one or two, got 50 pages in or so, and completely gave up because I hated the books. It was just not worth my time, and I haven’t change my mind set.

    33. Cap. Marvel*

      I feel like that is a completely rational reaction. I have not attempted Moby Dick, but I tried to read through Crime and Punishment because my friend loved it. It really felt like a punishment, so I stopped reading after I was halfway through.
      Also I hated Jane Eyre. I read all of it and I disliked every minute of it.
      I do love Pride and Prejudice though. If anyone else does and hasn’t watched the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, I recommend it.

      1. Nesprin*

        I enjoyed the first hundered pages or so of crime and punishment. Shame there was another 400 bloody pages after that.

    34. NeverNicky*

      I have a degree in literature.

      I have finished ONE Thomas Hardy novel (set text in secondary school), ONE Dickens novel and I declined to enrol on a Masters course because I would have to study Wuthering Heights again.

      Some classics just do not float my boat and yet others (Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell, George Eliot) I happily re-read

    35. Uhtceare*

      Oh I HATED Moby-Dick, thank you. There’s like a hundred pages before they’re even on the boat! I gave up on that one too.

      That’s my worst “classic literature” experience–there’s been a few non-fictions I’ve abandoned in hatred and rage (Martine Rothblatt’s “Virtually Human”, for one: I couldn’t make it through the first chapter, I was picking apart its flaws in the margins in Very Angry Pencil and I decided to stop when I caught myself wanting to steal it from the library just so I could set it on fire)–but at this point I tend to only read things I expect to like. I.e., I refuse to attempt further Melville. Or most of the classic Russians. (I feel like Dostoevsky was badly in need of a hug.)

      (I also hated Frankenstein, good heavens that’s intensely dull, but that was a grade 11 assigned text.)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        At page 100ish, I was like, “Okay, they’re on the boat, now things might finally get somewhere.” But then there was an odd play skit and then what looked to be about 250 pages worth of descriptions about whales! At that point I said, “nope”

        1. Uhtceare*

          Yes that was exactly my reaction–at page 60 or so, I decided that it would get better as soon as they got to the boat, and I’d hold out, and then IT DID NOT IMPROVE.

          I can’t imagine trying to get kids interested in it in high school, when they don’t know that books don’t have to be boring. If we must teach “novels involving life lessons learned on boats”, they should go with Captains Courageous. The protagonist falls overboard on page 8! (and learns discipline and empathy from his rescuers)

    36. Lost in the Woods*

      I hate hate hate The Once and Future King. I find its treatment of women to be beyond misogynistic and edging into territory of barely considering women to be human beings, and its portrayal of both celtic peoples and the few non-white characters to be intensely racist and damaging. These issues permeate the book and its themes, they are in my opinion completely inextricable from it. I read it at 14 and I had never felt so angry at a book before – I’d disliked books before, but I usually just stopped reading, no harm no foul. The Once and Future King was the first book I truly hated (also the first book I threw across the room while reading). I couldn’t give up on it because it was required reading. I actually wrote a four page review of why I thought it was a bad book and not worth our class time, but I was ultimately too chicken to send it. Now I wish I had. If this is one of our classics of fantasy, no wonder so many people feel so deeply alienated by the genre.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        (to be clear, the book does have some good qualities and I get why other people might like it, but its flaws hit every single one of my buttons. I genuinely think it shouldn’t be taught in classrooms without extensive historical contextualization)

      2. Smol Book Wizard*

        I too was not a fan. It felt so…mean? Tired? Bored? If that makes any sense. At least it felt that way to me… My mom, when I got rid of the copy I owned, spoke of how she’d loved it as a child. I suspect she was thinking of The Sword in the Stone though, which contained less general bitterness.
        (Also, I am a super hard sell on Arthuriana and tend to enjoy niche material on the subject, let’s be real.)

    37. Former Usher*

      We were assigned Moby Dick in my junior year AP English class. I never finished it reading it. I couldn’t even finish reading the CliffsNotes.

    38. Merci Dee*

      Reading has always been a pleasure of mine, and I found most of the books I had to read in middle and high school to be decent books.

      Notable exceptions are as follows:

      1) The Lord of the Flies — apparently, William Golding said to himself, “I’m bored today, so I’ll write a novel about what happens when a bunch of pre-teen boys are stranded on a tropical island and have to work together to survive. Blood, terror, and hijinks will ensue!”

      2) Jude the Obscure – the last novel completed by Thomas Hardy, though it was originally a magazine serial. Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ. If I’d written this slog of a novel, I would have given up on writing books, too. This is the absolute biggest drag of a novel I’ve ever been forced to read. Life is shit, marriage is shit, and your oldest kid is going to kill his half siblings and himself because, as mentioned, life is shit. I get pissed off all over again every time I think of this horrid book.

      3) One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich — Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn wrote this novel detailing a single day in the life of a man imprisoned in a Russian gulag for being a spy, since he was briefly captured by the Germans as a prisoner of war. Hint: he was not a spy. I agree that this was an important book for its release in 1962, and Solzhenitsyn had himself been sentenced to a gulag for 8 years because he dared to criticize Stalin in a private letter. So he gives an awful lot of realism to the events detailed in the book. It’s not that the book itself was terrible, it’s just that there was so much oppression and hopelessness. As you might expect in a forced labor camp. I’m not a fan of the military or dystopian genres in literature, so that mostly contributed to my perceptions of the book, though I would generally say that Solzhenitsyn had a writing style that can easily draw you into the story. I guess that was probably the biggest problem I had – simply that this gulag was not a place I wanted to be drawn into.

      4) Wuthering Heights — Written by Emily Bronte. Catherine. Heathcliff. The windswept moors. God save me.

      1. Ermintrude*

        Tess of the d’Urbervilles! I really loved books but this one made me hate every English class for a term.

        The Great Gatsby. Just……what? I found it deeply annoying and dull.

        But Tess of the d’Urbevilles was just – hideous.

        2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Tess was so insufferable that it almost made Moby Dick seem entertaining as a comparison. I thought our senior year of high school English teacher (who absolutely hated us) assigned it to us as punishment homework… but it wasn’t punishment homework.

      2. TL -*

        I loved One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich – but The Master and Margherita was wasted on me. I didn’t even dislike it; I just didn’t get it on such a profound level I may as well have not read it. And I have no desire to reread it to see if age will help.

        1. MeepMeep*

          That one is so steeped in cultural references that you have to have some background knowledge before you read it. It’s one of my favorite books, but I am from Russia and have a basic familiarity with the cultural concepts in question. I can totally see where someone wouldn’t get it if they don’t have that familiarity.

      3. No Name Yet*

        OMG, Lord of the Flies. I also was a huge reader, and enjoyed or tolerated basically everything I was assigned in middle/high school. Except That Book. And since I was always engaged in class and not shy about sharing my opinion….everyone else in eighth grade knew how I felt about it too, LOL.

        It’s funny, because I never really had the language for why it bothered me so much, so it’s been interesting over the ensuing decades to see discussions about who it does and doesn’t represent.

    39. RagingADHD*

      Don’t get me started on forcing students to read Shakespeare on the page instead of seeing it onstage – or at the very least, reading aloud.

      The bulk of the “good parts” like grossouts, sexy scenes, puns, dirty jokes, etc, have to be heard. They simply don’t come across on paper. It’s like teaching culinary arts by reading a cookbook without ever touching food.

      Generations upon generations of people grow up believing Shakespeare is confusing and boring simply because they never got the chance to hear it properly.

      1. KarenK*

        My high school Shakespeare teacher had us perform the plays in class. It made all the difference.

      2. Emily*

        Thank you! I was a pretty good reader in school (aka capable of understanding most of the language and what was going on in the play), but I didn’t love Shakespeare and didn’t really get the fuss around him. Pretty much every time I’ve seen an actual performance, though, I’ve liked it a lot more!

    40. Quake Johnson*

      I simply cannot finish Lord of the Rings. The first one was okay (and the Hobbit was good) but in book two I swear the whole plot is just the characters walking.

      Also wanna chime in that I tried to just read the plot summary of Moby Dick on wikipedia and I found even that way too long with little substance.

      1. purplecat*

        I read Lord of the Rings during the 30 minute reading period we had once a week in high school. Normally I’ll finish interesting books in a day or two because I can’t put them down, but Lord of the Rings lasted quite a while and I rarely felt tempted to bring them home to finish because they were so slow and wordy. I was motivated to continue though because a classmate would always ask me what had happened next and I enjoyed talking about them.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I’m pretty sure the only reason I got through Lord of the Rings is because I read it immediately after forcing myself to read Little Women. I’d read a biography of Louisa May Alcott that I liked, so I decided that since I liked that book I was going to make myself like Little Women even though it was the slowest, most boring book I had ever read at the time. (This was paired with confusion when I’d transferred to a new school that year and thought that “older kids” in 4th grade weren’t allowed to check out fiction from the school library when the librarian just meant that we weren’t allowed to check out the picture books because we needed to save them for the younger kids. I spent months alternately checking out non-fiction books about paranormal phenomena, cookbooks, and biographies before I asked the librarian if I could please check out and read Little Women since I’d just read a biography of the author and it sounded interesting. This was when I finally learned that there were fiction books I was allowed to check out after all.)

        Compared to Little Women, Lord of the Rings has many, many more things happening in it so the time passed much more quickly. People went places! And fought orcs! I think I got through The Hobbit and each of the LotR books in a week each. I am curious if I would have also gotten through The Silmarillion if the elementary school library had had a copy, but somehow a k-5 school didn’t think to stock that so I went on to reading a giant pile of fantasy books about unicorns instead, as well as any dog story I could find.

        I’ve never bothered to re-read LotR (or Little Women), though.

        1. Imtheone*

          Fourth grade is too young for Little Women. My daughter tried to read it then and also found it boring. Some of Alcott’s other novels for young people are shorter and faster paced, like An Old-Fashioned Girl. The reading level for Little Women might be find for an advanced fourth grader, but the book is really oriented towards adolescents.

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            I ran into a lot of trouble with reading level versus types of plots I found interesting around that age. I was reading chapter books by 1st or 2nd grade, and was able to read at a high school or college level by 3rd or 4th grade. However, I was still interested in the same kinds of stories as other 8-10 year olds, and that made it really difficult to find interesting books to read. (For example, I was not interested in books about romance or relationships. I was very interested in books about dogs. I ended up reading some pretty dense non-fiction books about dogs and animal behavior from the public library because it did not take me long to blow through all of the available non-romance-focused dog story books remotely close to my reading level.)

            I would still rather read books about dogs having adventures than romance novels, now that I think about it. Why doesn’t anyone write “dogs going on adventures” novels for the adult market? (I mostly read military SF these days, but also other kinds of SF and fantasy, and occasionally historical mysteries.)

      3. RagingADHD*

        The Two Towers is definitely the slowest of the three. The Ents are really the only high point.

        My 13yo is working on it now, because I told her it sets up some important stuff for book 3. But she described it very aptly, I think:

        “It’s like eating straight peanut butter with nothing to drink.”

    41. Unemployed in Greenland*

      Re: the “classics” – especially the Victorian ones … if nobody’s mentioned this already …

      I found it a lot of fun to approach Dickens’ works, and Thackeray’s, in the way the would have originally appeared – serially! I remember finding this tidbit in the intro to “Vanity Fair,” while paging through it in high school (and wondering whether I could make it through such a doorstop. (at least, I thought it was, then.))

      So being the bookish high schooler I was, I found a copy of the publication dates for various “issues” of “Vanity Fair.” I stuck to that schedule while reading it. (Kind of. Thackeray’s installments were monthly, and I decided to make mine two weeks apart, as I didn’t want to be reading the whole book for over a year.)

      I told myself I could not read ahead, no matter how suspenseful the ending was. And I didn’t. It was really something! It felt a lot more like experiencing episodes of a TV show – wondering what would happen next – than like trudging through an Epic Piece of Literature. The emotional payoff of the end was also amazing, because it felt as though I had known those characters for months, instead of for a weekend.

      Anyway. This book is handy, if you want to nerd out over Victorian Literature charts, and perhaps try something similar. https://www.worldcat.org/title/victorian-novels-in-serial/oclc/230822056?referer=br&ht=edition
      (yes, it’s available in the US, but I do not yet know how to scrub geographical order from WorldCat results. Said results would thus show y’all where I am in the US, and honey badger can’t have that. XD)

      (PS I’m sure the details are also available on the internet somewhere. This tells the installment durations, of Dickens, for example – it doesn’t say how long the installments are, though. http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/dickens/edh/chronology.html)

    42. Square Root of Minus One*

      I have given up on a LOT of classic books.
      In my student career, two separate years I got assigned the first book of the Proust series “In search of lost time” – in my country it’s the picture of the loooooong, meditating, drawn-out classic.
      I mean, seriously, two different teachers thought good to assign that to a teenage science-studying public? I am absolutely positive teenagers do NOT have what it takes to appreciate the book. I’m not even sure anyone under fifty can appreciate it. My mom read it through only in her sixties. So I guess I might pick it up again in 30 years.

    43. Artemesia*

      Yes but not Moby Dick which I recently read as an adult and found mesmerizing. There is a lot of Dickens that leaves me cold like this though.

    45. smoke tree*

      Your comment amused me because I read and loved Moby-Dick in high school, although I wouldn’t recommend it as high school curriculum, unless maybe you cut out all of the chapters discussing whether a whale is a fish or not (spoiler: Melville thought it was a fish).

      However, even as a lit major who loves the classics, there are some beloved works that I just can’t get through. I’m looking at you, Catch-22 and On the Road. I think I’ve got an unusually high threshold for rambling tangential discussions, but a lower tolerance for disaffected young guys complaining about everything.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Ugh, Kerouac. I quite liked a lot of Beat literature and got into it a bit when I was an undergrad, but I never could finish anything he wrote. Bukowski, Ginsberg, Burroughs (I really liked Burroughs), fine. But not Kerouac.

    46. Koala dreams*

      My teachers in high school taught different kinds of literature, including classics, modern books, poetry and plays. They were big on including excerpts and using short stories. Many were chosen because they were about young people or the teachers thought we could connect with them in some way. Many teachers do think about these things, but it can be difficult to combine “interesting to teenagers” with “following the curriculum”.

      I gave up on reading “Crime and Punishment” because all the foreign names and nicknames was just too confusing for me. However, I was never subjected to it in school. We read a short story as an example of realistic literature in class, and it was also confusing, but at least it was short so not too difficult to get through.

      It’s not only books, it’s movies too. The thing is, after someone writes a popular book or a great movie, there will be many writers and film-makers after them that includes their best ideas and make modern version that is more interesting to today’s readers and movie-goers. The classic work will seem out-of-date and done to death at once.

    47. MeepMeep*

      I don’t even want to get into Moby Dick. I went through a phase where I made myself read a lot of classics, though, and I totally had that reaction to Jane Austen. Just bored and turned off. I didn’t continue reading.

      Some classics surprised me (Don Quixote was one I enjoyed greatly, and will re-read) – but some were just too slow, too boring, and not engaging enough for me to continue.

    48. ampersand*

      This made me laugh! I haven’t tried to read Moby Dick and don’t plan to—I stopped forcing myself to read Classics/books I “should” read in my 20s. I’m 39 now. Life is too short and there are too many good books out there to be tortured by bad literature.

      That said: why is it a classic? It sounds dreadful. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who liked it.

    49. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I gave up on “Romeo and Juliette” ….and I’m the linguistics-loving history major who is nuts about medieval & Renaissance England. I know the ending, and I don’t need to suffer to get there. It’s a 3day infatuation ending with pointless suicides. Not my thing!

      1. Person from the Resume*

        OMG! I did have to read Romeo & Juliet in high school. It starts with Romeo pining for someone else and then seeing Juliet from afar and falling “in love.” I immediately thought: this is BS. They aren’t in love. They don’t know each other … and then they are dumb and kill them selves in the end. My conclusion: Shakespeare is dumb.

    50. Formerly in HR*

      Not sure if it’s really a classic, but the author definitely has accolades. Yet ‘The Tin Drum’ was the first book ever that I chose to not finish reading, after ploughing trough more than 100 pages.
      This year I felt I should abandon ‘My struggle’. Which has 6 volumes. And annoyed, bored, iritated, angered and whatnot me after first volume. Not sure why I stuck with it, as I still don’t like it a bit. i’m almost done with volume 5 and realised volume 6 has 1100+ pages. Never again.

    51. Anon Here*

      Everything is subjective. There is no objectively “great” work of literature. We’re all entitled to our opinions.

      I would argue that the problem is not that these books are assigned but the way they’re presented. We’ve lost sight of the above. Students are expected to absorb them as “great,” and to bow down and memorize them instead of critiquing them and understanding that they’re assigned due to their influence, not their objective greatness. Classics should be presented in the context of their significance: how and when they became popular, how critics reacted at different points in history, and the impact they had on the world. Students should be encouraged to advocate for their own opinions of these works.

      As an English and writing tutor, I see that these books are presented very differently in different schools. Critical thinking and open-ended discussions are encouraged in SOME private schools, charter schools, magnet schools, and even regular public schools in higher income neighborhoods. The kids in lower income neighborhoods get the worst deal; they just take multiple choice tests about the book’s basic plot and characters. They aren’t encouraged to have opinions or to critique anything. And the result is that there are different messages being sent to youth. One is, “This is a book and you’re smart enough to form valid opinions of it and to write books that are as good or better.” The other is, “This is a great work of literature and you need to respect that and memorize facts about it.” We need to think about that and the implications, considering that factors that determine the kind of education people get in the U.S.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Really well said. That’s what I think I wanted to say, but ended up ranting instead.

    52. MissDisplaced*

      Oh yes!
      I died when I had to read Paradise Lost for a class. Definitely not on my want to read list. Frankly, I gave up and read about it rather than read it.

    53. Imtheone*

      My daughter LOVED Moby Dick in 9th grade. I think, though, she was fairly unique. She read it in the pre-kindle days with a dictionary at her elbow. (Kindles were first available about four years later.)

      I read Moby Dick in high school and thought it was fine. I had a wonderful English teacher who really helped make the book meannful and accessible. Moby Dick is my husband’s favorite novel.

      So views of these books vary!

      You might try reading one of Melville’s adventure books, like Typee.

    54. Matilda Jefferies*

      I haven’t attempted Moby Dick, but I’m perfectly happy to give up on a book if I’m not enjoying it. I’m an adult, reading for pleasure – there are no grades, and no prizes for finishing. Life is too short to slog through a book just because you feel like you “should.”

      And speaking of classics in particular – in the last year or so, I gave up on the “old dead white guy” genre pretty much entirely. There are so many other stories to be told, and so many other ways of telling them! I’m making a point of reading more diverse books, from authors of various genders, sexualities, time periods, geographies, and languages. I won’t say I’ll never read an old dead white guy again, but I’m not going to read anything just because it’s considered a “classic.”

  6. Reader in ND*

    Hi all, I have been eating Kashi cereal lately and it has lentil flour. It seems to keep me full for a good 5 hours before lunch so I’m wondering what other high protein/fiber and low carb cereals are out there that taste good. I’m in the midwest in an area where I have choice of only 2 grocery store chains, so if it’s something easy to buy (and I can skip going to Amazon say) that would also be great. Thanks in advance!

    1. Three owls in a trench coat*

      Do you like hot cereals? I tried Rx oatmeal this week (by the company that makes the Rx protein bars) and I really like it. Both the maple and apple cinnamon flavors are delicious. The egg whites give it extra protein and a fluffier texture than regular oatmeal.

    2. cleo*

      Bob’s Red Mill has a lot of good, filling hot and cold cereal options, including some unusual whole grain combinations (and maybe with lentils or other beans but I’m not sure of that).

      I’m also in the Midwest and have noticed that it’s easier to find Bob’s Red Mill in my local markets than it used to be. You can also order directly from their website.

      https://www.bobsredmill.com/shop/cereals.html

    3. rockingchair*

      Does this kashi cereal have buckwheat in it (kasha)? That has a lot of fibre and it might be the buckwheat/kasha that you find filling.

    5. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      You could try a quinoa based cereal, or just cook it yourself, drain and serve cold with milk, maple syrup, honey, fruit, nuts. Or make quinoa based granola.

  7. Teapot Translator*

    I wanted to thank everyone who replied to my threads last week. I got plenty of book recommendations and ideas for what to do with old bed sheets. And of course, I love to hear about what exercise you’ve been doing. You guys are awesome.

    Life is a bit hard lately, and I got mad at a friend who blamed it on how much stuff I’ve been taking on. I was also hurt. Yes, I take too much on, I do a lot of stuff, but also, the thing that’s been weighing me down the most is my dad’s cancer. I can cancel the class I’m taking at university, I can give up my extracurricular activities, but I don’t see how’s that going to change the fact that my dad is basically dying and we’re just going to have to look at him go through chemo (with all possible side effects) to give him 1 or 2 years more, you know?
    So I just told her that life sucked and I didn’t see how that was going to change. It shut her up a bit and she stopped trying to hint that I had somehow any control here (yes, I have options, and I’m keeping them in mind if ever it becomes unbearable, but I still need to live my life, you know?)

    Well, that got long. Thanks for listening.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Sometimes people say stupid things because they WANT there to be a solution that is within your control (and therefore would be within their control if something bad happened in their life). It’s easier to say “your life would be great if only you weren’t over committed” rather than “sometimes life sucks and there’s not much you can do about it, I’m sorry.”

      Good for you for being clear about what you DON’T need to hear from her right now. I hope she can still be a good friend to you.

      I’m very sorry about your father. Best wishes to you and him both.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Life is hard and sometimes it’s down right impossible.

      I ended up quitting school when my mother was dying. My ability to concentrate got up and left. With the loss of focus, I also lost my ability to value the schooling.

      [Skip long story.]

      My punchline is that it’s worthwhile to figure out if we are running TOWARD something OR running AWAY from something. There’s a huge difference between the two.
      I was not running TOWARD a career. I was running AWAY from my fear of the future. Even the immediate future was pretty fearful.
      When we are running toward something we are going through a progression of steps. We have incremental growth and small achievements that will add up to something meaningful in the future.
      When we are running away from something we are just busy for the sake of busyness. There’s no goal, we are not building something. We may have random accomplishments that are disconnected from each other, but really don’t get us anywhere in life.

      Instead of framing it as “I can give up X, Y and Z, but I don’t see how that is going to change the fact that my dad is basically dying….”, I’d suggest new framing.
      “I am going to use this time while my father is still here to be deliberate, to pick well-chosen goal oriented activities so that I can have a successful adult life and know my dad would be proud of me.”

      Unfortunately, I was in my 40s before I was able to figure this one out. My aunt put it very well, “If we have been granted the insight to know what the future holds, then we have also been granted the time to prepare for it.”
      Chose your activities with a future oriented purpose. If the activity will not generate something beneficial to you in the future you may (notice the use of the word “may”) want to reconsider that particular activity. I am using the word “may” because some activities are beneficial right now and we need those benefits also. In either case, be deliberate, KNOW what benefits you expect from a particular activity. If you are not seeing those benefits, then move on to something else.

      I am sorry your friend upset you. And I am sorry your dad’s prognosis is not good. My mother passed when I was 23. It was hard. I was young AND old all in the same stroke. I had a young person’s body but my thinking and worry levels were more like an older person. “What if we lose the house? Where will we live? How will we pay for groceries? Will someone take the dog if we can’t pay for the dog’s needs anymore? Etc.” If you can find someone to talk to on a regular basis it might be helpful. This could be a therapist. But it could also be a dear and level-headed relative/older friend who is interested in you and how you fair in life. Or maybe both.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Once again, I find your answers to someone else helpful.

        And I am so very sorry, TT, that your father is terminal. You have my warmest hug if you are open to an internet stranger sending you one. The darkest days were the early and end; once I adjusted to the reality, and gave myself a time and energy buffer, I coped better with my husband’s long long demise.

        You will find your equilibrium. In the meantime, everyone has advice. Guard your heart, and your energy. Give yourself grace, and credit for knowing when you want to do something – or not. I had trouble saying no back then, but ultimately had to find a way to give up some things – BUT – I kept some things that let me be me. I did not want to ONLY be defined by the illness, I wanted and needed a future of some kind, and I needed a mental diversion that was riveting.

        Know that good friends sometimes give advice because they do care, and I tried to look at motive. Was it genuine but misplaced concern for me (do x, you need a break) or self-interest (do y, “I” want you to so I am going to say “insert blah blah” – sometimes that’s unconscious on their part).

    3. Cap. Marvel*

      I am so sorry about your dad. I agree with the others, sometimes you need other things to focus on so you’re not fixated on what’s happening to your dad. Of course you get to keep living your life.
      Maybe this may not be the best thing for you if you already have a packed schedule, but have you thought about joining a support group? I haven’t ever been a part of one, but my boyfriend’s mom finds it immensely helpful to talk about how her mom’s illness is affecting her with other people who are going through the same thing. That may be helpful to you since you now know that this friend just can’t relate to what you’re going through.

  8. Lovecraft Beauty*

    I have a cat! A friend of a friend’s cat was stressed out by the baby, and they want at least one more kid, so they agreed to let childless me adopt her. I am delighted …except that she’s been home with me for two days now and has barely come out from under the bed; I’d be fine with that except that I’m worried she’s not eating or drinking enough. She might’ve gotten some dry food from the autofeeder overnight, I can’t tell.

    Is this a crazy new-cat-parent concern?

    1. old curmudgeon*

      It’s pretty typical behavior for a cat who has been rehomed. As long as you’re finding deposits in the litter box, she’s fine. Leave food and water close to where she hides, and whenever you talk around her, use a low, soothing voice. Sit down on the floor to read or watch television, and while you do so, idly swing or toss around a cat toy of some kind. When she feels safer in her new home, she’ll emerge.

    2. Kathenus*

      Agree totally with curmudgeon, put food/water close to where she is comfortable now, litterbox too but obviously separate. I adopted a cat last year who was a ‘shy cat’ from the shelter and I had the whole master bed/bath/walk in closet set up for her, cat trees at the windows, etc. throughout the space – looked perfect (to me). But at that moment her comfortable world was much smaller so I brought all the good stuff to her and let her set the pace.

      She’ll be fine, let her behavior tell you how to proceed, and make it as easy as possible for her to get what she needs until she settles in. Have fun!

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      I’ve had luck with Feliway – starting out at full then cutting down over a week.

      But two days is pretty normal.

      1. Sleve McDichael*

        Seconding the feliway. When we got our cat Sophie we had to use feliway on our clothes and then grab a book and just lie down next to the bed and be as still as possible. She still hides from any guests under the bed. She’s a super snuggle bunny now though, and will roll on the floor in front of us to beg for tummy rubs. Your cat will come around, they all do eventually.

        1. Sleve McDichael*

          Also if you’re worried about her food and moisture intake, it’s ok to take some wet human food and leave it on a plate under the bed. Ham, tuna and chicken (no bones) can be popular. You leave just one under the bed, then leave the room and shut the door and be as quiet as possible (preferably leave the house). Come back in a few hours to collect the plate and if she hasn’t eaten try a different one tomorrow. Alternatively try a wet food with gravy, not a pâté. Cats were designed to get water from their food, it’s why they don’t drink much, so she won’t get too thirsty if she can eat something wet, although drinking is best of course.

          1. Sleve McDichael*

            *wet CAT food with gravy*

            Also, last thing, paper kitty litter stinks and is hard to dispose of and clean regularly. Crystals can cause respiratory problems from the perfumes and the small crystal bits. Clumping clay is wonderful and magical and you don’t have to throw away the whole box, which means you’ll clean it more regularly and she’ll be happier to use it. If you can get a brand with charcoal it also won’t smell other than briefly when she poops (same as people so that’s fair).

    4. Lcsa99*

      We had this problem when we first adopted one of our cats. We could tell he was using the liter box, but he wouldnt eat anything we gave him including treats. We had to bring him to the vet anyway for his shots and she wasn’t worried, just said he was likely stressed because of all the changes. She took a tongue depressor and literally shoved a little food in his mouth and it was like she jump started him. He was totally fine after that.

      As long as everything else seems to be working fine just give your fuzz butt some time to get used to everything.

    5. Not a cat*

      I had a cat hide for a month, and then only come out at night for her first year w/me. Other commenters are giving great advice.

    6. Kama'aina Kitty*

      Two treats that have always worked for me with shy kitties: the “juice” from a can of tuna packed in water and chicken baby food in jars (mix with a little water). Put a bit of either of them in a dish, put it under the bed, and leave her alone for a bit. I agree with sitting near her and doing something quiet like reading just to let her know that you’re available if she wants company. I adopted a very shy senior kitty who would only come out if I laid on the bed and read. She was very affectionate, but very scared. It took a while but she turned out to be such a love bug. Good luck!

      1. Venus*

        Chicken and beef baby food is a good option for encouraging appetite, but please check the ingredients. Food with onion can cause some pretty nasty bleeding problems (for dogs snd cats).

    7. Crazy Chicken Lady*

      Congrats!

      Before you know it you may find her snuggling up to you. I’m being super lazy this morning- usually I have all my grocery shopping done by now and I’m still not even up yet! Next to me is one of our cats (Dh is up and eating breakfast and generally hanging with the dog).

      We adopted this cat about 6 years ago. It really does take at least 2 days- they are in foreign territory and that’s pretty scary for them. She now sleeps between us at night, and tends to remain next to me until I get up.

      And by next to me, I mean pressed up against me, even if I’m having a hot flash. Or on me. Like laying on my chest. Or playing with my hair. Or rubbing her chin against my head.

      Adorable creatures. How you enjoy her! Post an update next weekend!

    8. Crazy Cat Lady*

      Popeyes fried chicken (if you have one in your area). Worked like magic on the two feral kittens I adopted. They were out from under the bed and in my lap within minutes of me sitting on the floor with the box.

    9. Enough*

      I had a cat that didn’t like new (most people) and new places. When I had people over she would hide in a box in the closet. When I brought her to my parents house one Christmas she lived mostly under my bed while I was there.

    10. Windchime*

      Everyone here has given great suggestions. Unless a cat is sick, I leave them alone when they are hiding under the bed or in some other dark, safe place. One thing to try is to just sit quietly in the room with her. You can sit on the floor next to the bed and quietly read your book; don’t try to talk to her or look at her, just let her see you as a safe person who is nearby but not trying to make her come out of her safe place. Many times, curiosity will get the best of the cat and she may eventually come to see what you’re all about, at which time you can speak quietly to her or offer her a treat.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, all of this. I don’t think cats can go too long without food though – you might want to call your vet and ask. It might be a good idea to put some food and water under the bed where she can get to them easily. And maybe to put the litter box nearby so she doesn’t have to get too far out of hiding.

        My general rule is – if a kitty wants to hide, that’s OK. Being able to hide seems to help them feel more confident eventually. If you’re around the cat sometimes in a non-threatening way, that will help.

        1. Windchime*

          Yes, definitely put some food and water where she can reach it. That’s a good point. Someone else mentioned tuna juice and baby food; sometimes just some good old stinky canned food and of course some water pushed under the edge of the bed.

    11. I'm A Little Teapot*

      New kitty Jill here (had her 6 weeks now) spent the first 2.5 weeks in a box. I cut 2 holes in the sides, put a blanket in there, and just folded the top closed and put something on top to keep it closed. I ended up doing a puzzle sitting on the air mattress in the room with her. The solid 60 hours of me just sitting in there convinced her that I probably wasn’t going to eat her, and we’ve gone from there.

      She jumped up on the chair with me this morning and is now napping next to me. This is a first. It just takes time.

    12. Artemesia*

      We had a cat disappear when we moved to a new home — so only re-homed in the strict sense — still with us — I actually thought she had somehow escaped the house as we could not find her. I was driving to work and saw a calico cat dead by the side of the road but couldn’t stop in traffic and immediately thought ‘oh no, that’s Ginny’. Two days later, Ginny crawls out from behind the washer where she was holed up the whole time. We have had other cats just strut right into the new apartment and take over and make lots of moves — but old Ginny had a terrible time adjusting.

    13. Nesprin*

      Cats dont like change , and your new kitty has been through a bunch. Some cats are picky and will only eat wet or dry food, or will only drink from a fountain so try leaving out a couple types of food in a couple different places and see what gets eaten. Definitely make sure that shes peeing and pooping tho- lack of output is worth a call to the vet.

    14. It's a Yes From Me*

      This is normal! It took my kitty 2 weeks to come out from under the bed after he was adopted but he has turned out to be an incredibly loving sweet boy.

      Keep the food and fresh water in the bedroom and give him some alone time. Try a small plate or bowl of freshly-opened wet cat food (mine loves Fancy Feast fish flavored pates). It has a strong odor which appeals to many cats and you could even push it a little under the bed then leave the room for an hour and, chances are, when you come back, he’ll have eaten some. A benefit of wet food is that it gives him some water in his diet if you’re concerned he’s not getting enough.

      Good luck to you! I think you’ll end up happy with a loving kitty, even if it takes a couple of weeks.

      1. It's a Yes From Me*

        Also, I noticed someone else talking about cat litter. I love, love, love World’s Best Cat Litter in the red bag. It is made of corn and flushable so I keep a small litter box in both bathrooms and easily flush away waste whenever I notice it. It has been a lifesaver for me and my kitty. I lost a previous kitty to lung cancer and always wondered if the clouds of dust caused by clay cat litters had caused or worsened her condition.

        1. It's a Yes From Me*

          I should clarify: while he’s hiding under the bed, keep a litterbox in your room. I also love the other tips from people including water from a can of tuna (make sure the tuna is packed in water and unsalted or low sodium). Feliway is also fantastic. The spray I use is ThunderSpray from ThunderWorks which can be bought online if you can’t find it in a local pet shop.

    15. Curmudgeon in California*

      That’s very typical.

      When I first got my kittens, they hid in the wall of my bathroom (there was an open space they just fit in. It took a week for them to get comfortable and curious. I knew that they were eating, drinking and using the litterbox when I was asleep or out of the room.

  9. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread!
    What have you accomplished? What have you tried? Did you take the week off?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I was able to go twice to yoga, but I didn’t get the time to go swimming, which is frustrating because I’d like to go twice a week (I go at least once a week because I have a swimming class). My shoulder is hurting me again, so I booked myself a massage to try and ease a bit of the tension; I’ve been doing my physio exercises again, but the effect is more on the “medium” term and my shoulder is hurting *now* and I need something that will bring relief more quickly while I work on the long term.
      The plantar fasciitis is still there. I’m starting to wonder if I should get a second opinion on the problem.

    2. Lena Clare*

      I’m feeling really low because my podiatrist recommended I stop doing yoga. I have hypermobility, which is causing me absolutely massive problems.

      In her words, I don’t need more flexibility, I need more strength. I don’t seem to be getting stronger from yoga because the lack of balance I have makes it difficult to maintain the poses.

      I love yoga. I’m sad because it is making my physical health worse, not better, and I understand what she’s telling me to do. But I miss it, because I liked it.

      She recommended starting Pilates
      There’s a class here on Monday, which I’m going to try out. I’m really not looking forward to it. I’m scared actually! I’m very weak in my core, and I’m terrified it’s going to be difficult.

      Sorry for the negativity.

      1. coffee cup*

        Pilates is good! I’m not going to lie, I did find it hard (harder than yoga), but not in a bad way, necessarily. It’s just a case of building strength and getting used to the muscles you have to use. Someone wrote an article in the Guardian not long ago about how pilates ended up really improving her life. Only one story, of course, but I think it does bring benefits. And ultimately you can only give it a go!

      2. Teapot Translator*

        :( Hey, negativity is okay (well, you know what I mean – it’s a perfectly valid reaction to a situation that sucks).
        I get it totally. My exercise of choice is out of the question because of my foot, so I know how difficult it is to give it up.
        Pilates can be fun! But as in most group activities, it depends on the teacher (some just seem unable to adapt their class to the participants’ varying levels?) But strength is something that you can build. Go slowly, listen to your body.

      3. Tai Chi fan*

        You might get on better with Tai Chi. I find it more like yoga than Pilates is, with more emphasis on mindfulness and wellbeing rather than pure fitness. I doubt podiatrists have an opinion on mindfulness!

        The chief difference I’ve found is that while yoga is about holding poses, tai chi is about moving between them – you strengthen the muscles and tendons etc by shifting your weight rather than stretching far. If you’re adept at yoga then tai chi will likely feel familiar. Maybe look at some YouTube videos to see if it appeals (my instructor is under Liming Yue if you want to narrow a search).

        1. Lena Clare*

          Thanks for the rec – I tried tai chi a long time ago and I did not like it; it seems like it isn’t for me, because my balance is crap :-/

          1. Tai Chi fan*

            That’s a shame. Is that a hypermobile thing or a Lena Clare thing, do you think? Because if it’s the former I’ll bear it in mind for future recommendations.

            1. Lena Clare*

              Hmmm good question. Possibly a bit of both? I know I struggle to keep balanced because of the hypermobility in my ankles, and I seem to remember there’s a lot of standing while moving in tai chi, so there were some coordination issues as well (that’s definitely a me thing lol).

      4. Artemesia*

        I don’t think you can beat weight training for strength. We used to go to a gym with the whole nautilus circuit on separate machines and after running, I would do all of the leg machines and a few of the arm/shoulder ones — it really kept strength. Now we just have one of those one piece nautilus in our building and I just use the leg press, but I use free weights for arm strength. The problem of course is self discipline.

      5. rockingchair*

        can you try a circus class? I find both silks and trapeze great for building muscles. Disclaimer: if you have a lot of muscles to build, it will take longer to get to some of the interesting stuff. it really works upper body and core, so if you’re looking to build leg muscles that might not be the thing. But, balancing on a your hip bones while bringing your legs and torso to the horizontal? that’s all core.

        1. Lena Clare*

          I have arthritis in my hips – will that affect it do you think? (Honestly my bones and joints are…a mess.)
          That sounds like loads of fun though. Maybe I could try building my core up first then try one out!

          1. rockingchair*

            Hip arthritis will limit you, but not stop you. I also have hip arthritis(*). I started with silks (tissu), but had to stop once my hips were bad enough I could no longer walk up stairs. In trapeze, I find that there are certain moves or poses I can’t do, but apart from a couple of things, there’s still a long road ahead of what I can learn, and strength to build.
            (*) my hip is so bad, that I can’t even get it into position for x-rays for the replacement I’m getting. Trap and swimming are the only remaining exercises I can do.

      6. Fikly*

        I went through this same transition. I was really unhappy too.

        I don’t know how hypermobile you are, but I am severely hypermobile (I have EDS). I cannot keep myself safe in group Pilates classes, and have to be choosey in instructors for individual sessions.

        I have found a guy who started doing Pilates himself as a teen who got into trouble as a serious dancer because he was hypermobile. He is excellent, and keeps me very safe.

        And it’s made a big difference in my joints and pain levels!

        1. Lena Clare*

          I have been wondering if I also have EDS, so this is truly interesting. Thanks for the feedback, it’s good to hear that it helped with joints and pain levels!
          My podiatrist recommended an individual teacher (well, she does classes in groups of 4, max) so if the class at my gym doesn’t workout on Monday I’ll go to her next. Finances etc.
          I’m really pleased to hear it works though!

          1. Fikly*

            The general idea is that the stronger your muscles are, the less you have to rely on/put stress on your joints. I have found this to be my experience. Also, I have found improving my core strength to be amazing at helping prevent injury when I start to roll an ankle, because I am now able to catch myself before doing damage. YMMV, of course.

            If you are trying to pursue an official diagnosis for the hypermobile subtype of EDS, it’s a difficult time to do it, because right now the diagnostic criteria are super narrow in an effort to find the gene (it’s the only subtype of EDS they have not identified a gene for).

            Because it’s really bad for the research to be looking for the gene in people who don’t have hEDS, they skewed the criteria to get way more false negatives than false positives.

            This means there are a lot of people with hEDS who are not getting diagnosed right now. However, if you have a doctor who understands this, or you want to look at the criteria (old and new) and think about it for yourself, it’s a valid path to go down. Just be aware that this is going on. I got lucky, and had a very understanding doctor who told me, so technically you do not meet the criteria, but you absolutely have hEDS.

            Check out the Ehlers Danlos Society for a great breakdown of all the subtypes, and the current diagnostic criteria for hEDS.

            I spend more on PT and Pilates a month than my rent…argh, finances and healthcare…

    3. Parenthetically*

      I’m slowly coming back to exercise after a long, long break to care for my mental health and sort out the difference in my own mind between exercise as self-care and exercise as punishment/body control/dieting. I did a couple weight lifting sessions this week that felt AWESOME, and I’m starting Yoga with Adriene’s February challenge today.

    4. Nessun*

      My trainer has set up a mini-bootcamp with all her clients today. She’s going to give us each an assignment and then we’re going to meet in a group to chat and share wisdom, struggles, and possibly more contact/buddy stuff. It’s something she’s doing of her own volition and at no charge, and I think it’s a great idea. Looking forward to meeting some of the faces I’ve seen at the gym and hearing people’s different experiences.!

    5. londonedit*

      I was pleased with my running mileage total for January, which was my highest since September (which had a half-marathon at the end of it!)

      Paced at parkrun this morning (my parkrun offers pacers on the first Saturday of the month) and I’m excited about tomorrow’s run because some friends and I have planned a 10-miler followed by brunch, which is an excellent incentive to get out and run!

      1. Emily*

        10-miler followed by brunch with friends sounds great! I’m mostly a solitary runner, but that sounds like a social run I’d enjoy.

        1. londonedit*

          It was great! I enjoy running with other people but they need to be friends I’m comfortable running and chatting with – luckily I have a lovely circle of running buddies and we all understand each other’s paces and goals and whatnot.

          I’m doing this thing at the moment where I try to run faster for the last mile or two of my long runs – it’s been one fast mile at the end for the last couple of weeks but today I upped it to two and it was good! And brunch was delicious.

    6. nep*

      Quads are dying from some exercises we did in a class I teach 2x / week. (I wonder how participants are feeling–I’ll find out next week.)
      Took one day off after that, and today focused on glutes and hamstrings in a pretty low-key workout.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m on vacation so it’s tough after 4x/week (20 min of strength training) and daily dog walks, but I’ve been walking a lot. We stayed with my stepbrother for a few days and I did squats while holding my 25-lb nephew, who is way cuter than a dumbbell. I should have done more because all of the vacation food makes me feel pretty flabby.

    8. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Things have been hard recently (flare up of chronic condition) but I had several good walks, and an outdoor strength/core/ balance class.

    9. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I’ve been sick and haven’t been to aerial yoga in a few weeks. I really miss it and keep planning on going, thinking that I’ll just do what I can. But just getting dressed is exhausting. My daughter & I started it the second week in December and we both love it.
      Now she can’t go because she’s having issues with her hands and I have this flu (or whatever it is) that wont.go.away.
      Grrrr I’m sick & tired of being sick & tired, y’all!

      1. Artemesia*

        hear ya — I am at the end of the second week of a cold — when I was young a cold lasted a week — Getting nervous about the international travel we have booked for April given the Corona thing and how we don’t bounce back like we used to. And I have a pretty good immune system.

    10. Emily*

      I’m training for a half marathon in a few months’ time, so right now I’m building up the weekly mileage. Last week I ran 27 miles, and this week (if I run a few miles tomorrow), I hope to do over 30! Fingers crossed that more consistent training + higher weekly mileage will help me beat my previous race time by a fair amount!

      I’m also taking a short, twice a week exercise class mostly focused on bodyweight movements and core strength, and am easing back into indoor bouldering and a very minimal weightlifting routine.

    11. WellRed*

      Why can’t I get myself to the gym? I have new clothes, trashy magazines to read on the treadmill. I need to stop finding excuses.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I’m the same way. The last time I got on the treadmill, I was on the verge of giving up basically up til I set the speed. Then it was fine, but I have no idea why I couldn’t get any more motivated than that.

        So overall, not getting regular exercise but not zero exercise, and I need to be a bit more consistent.

      2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        At one point, I decided that my goal was to go to the gym, check in at the desk, and walk into the locker room. In practice, if I got that far I would almost certainly change into my workout clothes, and then probably do at least one exercise.

        The advantage was that defining success as checking in at the front desk helped me get back into exercising regularly, when thinking of the minimum as “do some cardio” or “at least one exercise with the nautilus machines” made it seem like enough of a hurdle that I was going straight home instead.

        This does have a certain aspect of fooling myself, but it worked, and might be worth a try, with a starting point like “put a magazine and clean workout clothes in my bag.”

        1. lasslisa*

          I had a teacher once who called this “finding the pivot point”. What is the smallest possible difference between when you do what you want, and when you don’t? Is it rolling over and putting on your gym shoes in the morning that gets you to the gym? Having to look up the code for the internet blocker that makes the internet too much work?

          For me, the class I like at the work gym is at 5. If I am still sitting at my desk writing email at 4:45, I will be late for class and then why even go and — I won’t go. So the action for me is “stand up at 4:45”. Then inertia is on my side and I remember the emails can wait at least until after class.

    12. RagingADHD*

      I have been slowly regaining my stamina from being ill by doing increasingly challenging garden tasks – light weeding, to mulching, to edging and now digging out a bed that’s infested with Bermuda grass.

      It doesn’t look like much because I have to go slow, but man! My muscles are telling me EXACTLY what I did.

      My new running shoes artived, so I’m looking foward to starting back jogging next week. Hooray for lungs that work!

    13. Goldfinch*

      I am really struggling to do upper body strength training. I badly sprained my wrist a year ago, and it just isn’t bouncing back. I can’t support my body weight with it, I can’t do pushups, I can’t use free weights with it. I’ve gotten my legs in great shape, but I have little chicken arms and no chest muscle tone.

      I’m so incredibly bitter about this, because the reason it happened was that my work scheduled a mandatory meeting on a day that had a terrible ice storm, and I fell getting into my car. The weather was bad enough that I normally would have used a PTO to stay safe at home.

      1. Lucien Nova*

        Oof. Are you certain you didn’t strain or tear a ligament or tendon? That’s something that wouldn’t really be too visible (a tear would show on an MRI, but straining it badly without a tear would not) and could definitely contribute to the injury not healing properly/at all. (Having been through that – it took me almost three years of losing function and strength in the wrist to have it seen to and it turned out the tendon was very near to coming apart – 0/10 would not recommend waiting that long, don’t be me, I had to have it surgically repaired and it’ll never get back to 100% and is proceeding to fail again.)

        Sympathies on that; it’s a right pain in the rear end.

    14. Alexandra Lynch*

      So what I’ve settled on is working out every single morning. I do some machine weights and then ride a bike for a bit. I realize that everyone says I should take breaks, but if I take breaks I decondition very rapidly, so a little every morning is what is going to work for me. This week I discovered that I can take off one day without anything going wrong, but two days, nope.

      For the month, I am down 12 pounds and one size in clothes.

    15. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I didn’t so much take the week off from exercise as call in sick. Monday I walked down the street to the senior center for an orientation to their fitness room orientation, and then signed up for a three-month membership. Fortunately, the orientation was someone showing me, in detail, how the machines work, rather than having me use them. It’s been a few years since I used exercise equipment other than resistance bands and a few free weights, so the refresher was useful as well as checking a box so I can use the equipment.

      I don’t know whether I’ll actually use the, but it’s $35 for three months *and does not auto-renew*, and seems worth a try.

      Then I did nothing but a bit of stretching for a few days; yesterday I restarted my collection of PT-derived exercises, slowly and carefully–just a few kinds of exercises, and fewer reps than I usually do. I keep reminding myself that the PT exercises aren’t the goal–a stronger, healthier Gollux is the goal, so taking a break when I’m ill is appropriate.

    16. ABC*

      I went to my HIIT/kick boxing class twice this week. And I am excited to go to my gym in the morning (Sunday) to watch HGTV and chill out on the elliptical. I have also been walking into work more often (about 1.3 miles), despite the cold weather. Feels good!

    17. LizB*

      I made it through 45 minutes of cycling class this week! Padded shorts are a lifesaver. Then I tried a yoga class with an instructor I hadn’t tried before, which turned out to be an hour of the instructor talking about traditional Chinese medicine concepts like meridiens and elements as they related to the poses. I got some good stretching in, but that wasn’t really my jam. Ah well, now I know!

  10. LGC*

    A CHALLENGER APPEARS

    Anyway, so I wanted to pivot off of something I posted in this week’s open: where’s a good place to get personalized coffee mugs? I’m looking for travel mugs, nothing too fancy, and something where I can get each person’s name printed on it. I’m hoping to not spend too much, since it’s for 20 people. (20-25, really.)

    2. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’d probably start with a huge online company like Custom Ink and work from there. They’ll probably be the cheapest if you aren’t looking for anything fancy.

      1. LCS*

        Check your local trophy / awards store. They often have lasers and can do small batch custom travel mugs. My husband laser engraves YETI style cups all the time with individual names, logos etc.

    3. fposte*

      It’s such a common service I can’t even remember where I did mine a few years ago. Be aware that since each is different that will cost more than getting 25 of the same one. Walmart does them; standard printy places like Vistaprint and Shutterfly do them. It looks like Vistaprint has a sale on that might get you down below $10 per mug, but mostly you’ll be over 10 for a single mug since it’ll be individually designed.

      I’d just Google for a bit and then check locally with printing places near you. The mugs are pretty standard, so any decently qualified place should be able to handle them.

    4. Aealias*

      I used cafepress site in 2017, personalized stainless steel travel mugs at about $20 US. Probably a minor pain to do a bunch with different designs – there’d be no bulk discount. But I found they had a good system for uploading your own art, and my recipients were happy. The timeline was good, a couple of weeks turnaround, and shipping costs were reasonable.

    5. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      We have a ton of ceramic conference mugs from Discount Mugs which are pretty nice, and my old work used 4Imprint a lot for specialized logo items, though we had a separate company “store” for things like mugs.

      1. Jxb1000*

        For a small order like that, you are probably best checking out sites like cafe press and zazzle. Both also often have promotional codes. So many places offer that type of personalized gift now. For instance stores like Walgreens that do photo printing. Stores like Walgreens.

        I’m afraid this will end up costing more than you expect with each being individualized.

        Another good idea might be Etsy. Since each will be different, the more commercial sites wouldn’t count it as a volume deal. But an individual crafter might give you a bit of a break. Or maybe you could find a good deal and purchase the cups yourself and just past an Etsy artist to add the names. Good luck.

  11. Lena Clare*

    Had my second NHS health check (for those outside the UK it’s just a preventative check-up for everyone over 40. You get one every 5 years).

    Anyway, I’ve shrank! And put weight on. Sigh.
    My blood pressure is low, and my cholesterol is good, plus I’m not pre-diabetic, but she referred me to a weight-loss programme coz I’m very overweight.

    I’m just wondering how much of that I can take on board? She said I was “low risk” despite the weight thing.

    I am going to give the programme (Weight Watchers) a try I guess, but I’m feeling a bit low about it, and am not looking forward to it.

    Who’s done it, had success, and kept the weight off afterwards?

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathy and scant advice because I’m fighting a similar battle. When life is calm (ha–see my own post elsewhere) and I can get enough sleep I can live on vegetables, fruit and low-fat protein. I can also fit in more walking which does burn some calories. When life is otherwise I crave sweets especially chocolate. Not proud of this but there it is. I will send you good thoughts for your efforts with Weight Watchers.

      1. Lena Clare*

        I feel you! I just made my evening meal (the recipe said feeds 2 generously) so I had half a portion, and I have to say it isn’t a generous portion at all by my standards…which is maybe the problem! So now I am craving sweet things. My mood greatly affects what I want to eat too – it isn’t a stretch to say I eat for comfort.

      2. tangerineRose*

        If I can force myself to actually exercise and eat more fruit and veggies, I think that will help, but…

    3. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know about keeping the weight off, but I’m doing WW currently and it’s working very well. I like that there’s a way of “measuring” intake that’s not specific calorie counting. It plays to my enjoyment of metrics and tracking, without making me unhealthy about every gram I put in my mouth. Also, because it’s about “points” and not “good/bad food,” when I have an indulgence I don’t feel “bad” that I’ve eaten a “bad” thing. It’s in my points! It’s okay!

      1. Lena Clare*

        That’s good to know! And congrats.
        I don’t want to become obsessed with calorie counting and measuring, plus I don’t like the idea of good/bad food. It’s just all food and sometimes I feel like eating it.
        What I like about WW from the bumpf I’ve read is that it is about eating healthily, moving more, and looking after yourself. I like that they seem to have a holistic approach (I’m gradually talking myself into going! I am beginning to maybe think that it might actually be even good for me?!?!?)

    4. Crazy Chicken Lady*

      I’ve found weight watchers to be quite useful really. I lost a bunch then arthritis showed up in my knee (frankly probably because of carrying around so much extra weight over the years) and that’s set me back. I’m just now getting back to something close to my activity level now that I have a brace that works.

      I didn’t gain it all back but I did gain some with the sudden screeching halt in activity level. I was able to stop the gain by using the knowledge I gained when doing weight watchers.

      My knees are glad that I’m doing both activity and better eating. That stuff actually works. I’m not quite ready to do multi day hikes but I think by summer I should be able to handle a long day of hiking with a backpack. For me it’s more about what I can do than what I weight but really those things are fairly well tied together.

      Give it a good shot! It’s not a horrible program. Even if you don’t stick to the actual program you might find their information useful.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh I have arthritis in my knees too. I am so pleased to hear that you are getting back to walking/hiking. I am struggling with walking even short distances at the minute and I do think that losing eight will help that so I am really inspired by your account, thanks! I will give it a go :-)

        1. Crazy Chicken Lady*

          If you need more inspiration- for every 1 lb you lose, 4 lbs of pressure into your knees is taken off!

          Good luck!

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      We did Southbeach diet successfully some 15 or so years ago and still use it to reset occasionally. I worked at B&N at the time so I spent some time reading a LOT of the books. Shaming or guilt – out! Excessive counting of calories? Nope!
      I chose SB because it was originally deceloped as a heart healthy plan, not a weight loss plan. And the first place that you lose weight is the stomach.
      I like that its broken down in stages, the first stage is pretty short (2 weeks to a month) and is very strict. Stage 2 you start adding things back. Stage 3 is your life plan.
      I liked that he said, its your birthday and you want spaghetti and wine and cheesecake? Do it! But then go back on phase 1 for a week.
      We paired this with exercise.
      Let me note that this plan is not going to work if you hate to cook, or have limited time. There is an online forum that is pretty cool, but it costs money.

    6. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I’m sorry – I just reread your post – you were not asking for weight loss plan info, but info on WW!
      Lack of coffee I blame!

      1. Lena Clare*

        Haha! What you say is interesting and sounds it like it’s become a way of life for you, and a means to keep your weight under control over the years.
        I hope you managed to get your coffee :-)

    7. Can I get a Wahoo?*

      Following, I just started WW as well! And by just I mean on Thursday, so I’m still figuring it out.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Wahoo!

        Congrats. I am starting on Feb 12th because the GP referred me and so I have to wait to receive the letter from them to take with me to the workshop.
        Let us know how you get on next week?

        1. Sue*

          I did WW with a few friends some years ago and found it helpful. The meetings were social and they shared recipes that we all liked. I remember it was just before the holidays and there was a lot of good advice on how to cook for/navigate all the events of the season. I reached my goal and have pretty much kept it off so I would recommend it to anyone (but it may be somewhat dependent on the quality of the group leadership).

      2. KarentheLibrarian*

        I started Weight Watchers in July 2019 & have lost 63 pounds so far! I only use the app, so one of the things that’s been the most helpful for me is to follow a bunch of other people doing WW on Instagram. They’ve inspired me to try foods and products I didn’t know about or that I wouldn’t have tried on my own. They also share recipes and meal plans. Plus, it’s helpful to see their struggles/successes and know I’m not alone in this. Best of luck to you as you start your journey!

    8. Alexandra Lynch*

      I can’t say I’ve done it yet, because I’ve only been doing it a month, but I will say that I’ve accepted that I will have to count calories and measure my portions for the rest of my life. If I was good at doing it myself, I wouldn’t be carrying around an extra person. I view it as a medical necessity, and I use MyFitnessPal, and it is working so well that I can see doing this for the rest of my life. I already have food restrictions due to medical conditions, so this sort of travels a known path.

      1. Lena Clare*

        I will say that I’ve accepted that I will have to count calories and measure my portions for the rest of my life. If I was good at doing it myself, I wouldn’t be carrying around an extra person.

        I couldn’t agree with you more.

        Is MyFitnessPal worth it, do you think?

    9. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      I’ve done WW and it worked really well for me.

      I did the first week just writing down what I ate and calculating the points. Shock horror. I was eating for 1.5 people most days.

      I used their guide books to plan simple meals and build in treats for myself. If I had zero point veg soup for supper, I could have a square or 2 of chocolate with my tea.

      It required a bit of planning and some discipline but it was effective and not very difficult at all. I could eat what I liked, but less than before, or I could eat as much as I wanted if I chose the right meals. Their system made it easy.

      Hope it works well for you!

    10. Curmudgeon in California*

      Ugh. They have to tell you to diet if you are technically overweight.

      What I am going to say will probably get a lot of flak from diet fans.

      BUT. If it isn’t endangering your health (BP, cholesterol, diabetes, etc.), is it worth the self abuse to go on a diet that statistically is likely to fail and leave you fatter than when you started? Especially a popular name brand diet who makes money via all the folks having to come back and do the programme again and again?

      I’m not saying to not pay attention to what you eat. Cut back on high sugar, high fat foods – I’ve seen that work and keep working.

      But doing calorie restriction diets is not a winning plan – restricting calories puts your body into starvation mode, shifting your metabolism so that it holds on to calories more and more, and makes your energy lower and lower. After a few of these, your body is stuck in “keep every calorie as fat because they often get scarce” mode. I bear the pounds of that madness. If I knew as a teen what I know now, I’d have never done any diet plans, and I’d weigh less.

  12. Seifer*

    I have finally reached a point where my new house feels settled and it is glorious.

    So I bought a house. On Halloween. And then I did the thing that I said that I would not do and I basically gutted the damn thing. The old lady that owned it before me smoked in the house and so, I had only planned on taking up the carpet, doing new floors, and a fresh coat of paint, but. We took up all the carpet, the carpet pad, the vertical blinds, the doors, the closet doors, wire shelving, baseboards, vent covers, door casings, light fixtures, and everything, everything had a thin layer of tar and/or nicotine. I also ended up destroying several walls, partly because I wanted them gone anyway but mostly because I was frustrated. Trust, it was disgusting.

    Together with my uncle, I put in new flooring, new moulding, new outlets (even the outlets were stained with tar), new paint, new casings, new doors, new bathroom stuff (I do not want to talk about the old toilets), and today, I am getting the furnace replaced because apparently the whole damn heat exchanger was cracked. The guys are doing the AC too because the HVAC guy that I had come out to clean the system was like. Honey. You need to do them both.

    Anyway. We finally were able to move in right before Christmas, so of course there was just an endless stream of boxes, we kept losing the cat, we were dodging rugs and piles of other crap, my plants were wilting, we literally could not not wear shoes in the house, and I was succumbing to deep depression because of how chaotic everything was. And now finally. Finally. I am able to sit on the couch with no shoes on and type this out.

    Feels so good, I needed to tell someone.

    2. rubyrose*

      I am in total awe of you!
      This is why I’m purchasing a brand new house, being built right now. I could not do even a fraction of what you have done.

      1. Seifer*

        Ooooh, I totally want to do that. But I would have them stop once everything is drywalled and do the rest myself, ha! I did some skim coating and it wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t my favorite thing to do.

    3. Ali G*

      I know how you feel! We did a renovation last year that went from July-November. Living in my basement surrounded by crap for 4 months took a huge toll on my mental health. It feels so much better now that we are resettled and can use our whole house again.
      Enjoy! You worked hard for it!

    4. Blarg*

      I’m impressed that you and your uncle did all that work! It must feel so good to relax in your new, smoke-free home. Congrats!

    7. Enough*

      Understand about the tar. I had to go somewhere with a smoking coworker years ago. He never watched the windows of his car. They were yellow.

      1. Seifer*

        Oh my godddd it was the worst. I bought one of those steamer things and we made a concoction of white vinegar, bleach, and pine-sol and used that as the steaming liquid for the walls. And… the steaming pads. Came back. Brown. I could not even.

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I’m so very excited for you! And in awe that you did that much in such a short amount of time!
      Enjoy!

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      I am so impressed. I am looking at a house in (insert name of US state with low cost of living). One is already, meticulously done by a family IT engineer with OCD – 100K more than the smaller but 1972-last touched version avocado house. I have no idea what it will cost to renovate the lesser house. I’m so tempted to work another 3 years (not guaranteed body can do that) to get the perfect house and forgo the need to renovate completely.
      I’m afraid to ask what your gut job ran you. Sigh. If you don’t mind, you can even state it as a multiplier of the initial cost…but it would be helpful.

      I am so impressed!!!!

      1. Seifer*

        Oh, I’ll share! I honestly like talking about money? Budgets are my day job so that might have a lot to do with it haha.

        So the gut and redo cost was around… $5K? I sunk $1K into garbage removal because the town did not allow a dumpster and I had to make do with bagsters. I used four total and filled them to the brim. Subfloor was $600. Flooring was $2K, click and lock laminate. Moulding was about $1K. Paint was… like $200? And then doors were $400 (I needed 4) and then a bunch of odds and ends. The house is 1300 sq. ft. and I bought as if I was buying for a 1350 sq. ft. home to account for wastage. Since I was able to return a good amount of extra material so that’s why the costs aren’t all that big.

        But keep in mind, I either already had all the tools necessary or my uncle had them. If you had to go out and get them or rent them, the cost would be much higher. I used my miter and table saw heavily for all this, and a nail gun and air compressor. Also ladders. All of my ceilings except one bedroom and the bathrooms and utility room are vaulted and we had to scrub the ceilings and paint up high.

        And then I didn’t count some things that I bought that I had budgeted for but didn’t buy in the name of the renovation. I replaced the fridge and dishwasher (and found a dead mouse under the old one ewwwww) and the washer/dryer. I treated myself to a Nest thermostat during Black Friday too, which was $250. And then the aforementioned furnace and AC unit today. Appliances were $4K as a Samsung Black Friday package through Best Buy and then the HVAC stuff today was around $7K after $3.5K back in promotions which sucked but was necessary since uhhh the heat exchanger on the old one was cracked!

        So total… $15.6K and about 10 weeks working nights and weekends. I also had a friend helping pretty consistently and my boyfriend would help here and there, up until the point where he got a little too freaked out watching me use power tools. He thinks I’m like, unsafe or whatever. Umm oh, click and lock flooring is so. much. fun. and much faster than a traditional hardwood floor install so that definitely cut down on the timeline. But yeah, I saved soooooo much money on labor by doing it with my uncle, and I’m lucky that we both have the know-how.

        If you have any other questions, I’ll check back on the thread and try to answer!

        1. ABC*

          You did all of this in THREE MONTHS?? I’m 10 years into home ownership and still working my way through your list. Impressive.

        2. VlookupsAreMyLife*

          Wow, Seifer, you are officially my new hero! We bought a 20-year old home 18 months ago with grand plans to renovate and change up some things to make it more suitable for us. To-date, not a single project is complete & I find myself actually becoming depressed by living in amidst the chaos of half-finished work.

          1. Seifer*

            The depression while living in chaos is too real. I moved in with my best friend as a roommate/tenant right before Christmas and I had legit despair over everything. It was so overwhelming. Even just doing one thing was like. I could hang up this picture but then I have to figure out where the good screws are and shit, where did I leave my drill again, where’s the level, where is the actual picture, why didn’t I label any of the goddamn boxes. And it’s just. Too. Much.

            Everything feels like a huge deal. Just slogging through is sometimes so much effort that it feels easier to not do anything at all. But then you’re just sitting in the middle of the chaos wanting to cry. The vicious cycle.

        3. NoLongerYoung*

          This is super helpful.
          Avocado house has good woodwork (but is kind of tudor-aged, initially, so I think it needs careful scrubbing/ possible gentle refinishing – it looks grubby /dull). Floors are hardwood and stained, but that’s refinishing. (can rent that machine). It’s the gut job for the bathroom, and the possible replacement of those kitchen cabinets. Kitchen floor is an old linoleum/vinyl (not sure if the old, old kind that has asbestos…).
          Oh, and it has radiators. Windows look original (wood). This is in blizzard country, so I want good insulation.
          So I’m thinking HVAC, water heater (I have in-line here, prefer it), bath, at a minimum. The kitchen remodel will follow as fast as the budget allows.

          I’m good with demo and yes, have access to tools (big grin). I wrote my admission essay (the “getting to know you one/ what are your interests”) on “I love electric power tools.” Although the body has aged since I did planing/ lay hardwood floor or use a demo crow bar for big stretches of time.

          The family-contact electrician says it is not knob and tube, but I doubt there are enough outlets and I’m possibly needing an upgrade there.

          Good news is, wonderful family help back there and family contacts in the trades. But I will have to do the structural and then add the cosmetic as the budget allows, so trying to budget for the big stuff as I plan.

          I still think, I’ll be in less than 100K on any reno, and I won’t have as much house to upkeep. (Nice house has a double lot, and an extra 1K of sq ft under the main roof). Plus lower property taxes and insurance on the smaller, dumpier one. I just have to quit referring to it as that. I’m making a good tradeoff…I think.

          I am still so very very impressed. I am guessing you did not move in while this all was going on… I’ve had to have the vinyl planking laid here in just the bedrooms, and had to shuffle all the bedroom furniture into the living room /dining room in order to make it possible. Living in a construction zone is super stressful, and that was a short stint!

          1. Seifer*

            Thank you! Yeah, I was not living in the house. I planned it that way, to buy the house and have a few months to do reno before the lease on my apartment expired because otherwise I think I would go insane. As soon as it was painted and the baseboards were in though, we decided to move since it was getting exhausting going back and forth.

            I still have to gut one bathroom and the kitchen, but I’m hella winded. The second bathroom will be more of a cosmetic upgrade because I’m okay with the floor tile and the tub, I just think it’d be good with a new vanity and either additional tile for the tile surround or completely new tile, depending on how I feel. I haven’t started my budget sheet for those yet, but I want to keep it under $10K total since I also have to replace the windows in the place. I’m really disappointed with the way the house was kept up with before I moved in and while I want to use this as an investment property and rent it out later, it doesn’t sit well with me to do a slapdash renovation.

            I’m excited for you! I honestly thought the worst part about doing the renovation was paying a shit ton of money for the stuff behind the walls that you don’t even see… like, I put that much money into it, I want to be able to at least see the damn thing! I have an electrician coming this week for a thousand bucks so I can stop blowing the fuse for the garage and have an outlet for the TV so I don’t have to use six extension cords. Yeah, I can see that, but all the work he’s gotta do behind the walls is like. Ughhhh.

            RE: demo and flooring, if I had to do this again, I would seriously consider hiring out the demo. I loved it but what they don’t tell you when you’re binge watching Property Brothers is that when the guy says, “I’ll have my crew clean this up,” if you don’t have a crew, YOU’RE the idiot that has to clean up your maniacal reciprocating saw handiwork. I would sacrifice fun times with my reciprocating saw to not have to clean up days of drywall dust and disgusting carpet pad. As for the flooring, I originally wanted wood-look tile but then my mom freaked out about the timeline so I did laminate so that she would stop crying at me. I couldn’t justify the cost of hardwood and my uncle liked laminate and once he showed me how to click and hit it together I was 100% on board. BUT. I love that little nail gun that you hit with a hammer to nail hardwood flooring down. So next time I will either do the hardwood or my beloved wood-look tile. Because then, I get to use more tools. I also love tools haha!

            Ahah so story time about the age thing. At one point where I was in crippling pain from crawling around on my hands and knees (even with kneepads) to lay the subfloor, I looked over at my uncle and he was calmly sipping from a container of soup that he’d brought with him in the morning. I was like wtf I want to die, how is it that he’s totally fine. I thought I had youthful energy on my side! Then I thought maybe my uncle is younger than I remember so maybe he also has youthful energy on his side? So I asked him how old he was going to be this year. He shrugged and said 60. 60! I was like. So here I am, at 27, wanting to die, and my uncle is just standing there, looking like he can go another 8 hours. WTF.

        4. Jane of all Trades*

          Wow!!! That is so impressive. And must be really exciting to have “arrived”. I just purchased my house last week, and am now in the process of coming up with a plan to do the updates I want (thankfully all cosmetic).
          Do you mind me asking, how difficult was it to do the flooring? I want to rip out the carpet and replace it with something non-carpet-y. I have: some tools, a ton of enthusiasm, physical health. I lack: experience…
          Also – what part did you most enjoy about the renovations, and what was the worst?

          1. Seifer*

            I was hella determined to replace the carpet in my place because it was original to the house and the previous owned smoked for almost 30 years in the house. The carpet pad smelled like smoke. The cement pad beneath everything smelled like smoke.

            I mentioned above, I wanted to do wood look tile. I know how to lay tile and I kind of enjoy it, and it would be super durable in case I wanted a doberman or a 17′ tall fiddle leaf fig. I needed my options! Then, my mother found out and lost. her. shit. So I had to scale down and do something else. I ultimately decided on laminate because my uncle said he knew how to do it and it wouldn’t take too long since there was no need for glue or nails. Okay, sweet.

            It took about two weekends for around 1200 sq. ft. I didn’t do the kitchen and baths since I want to do some cool tile later. I love love love click and lock flooring. I used my miter saw extensively and occasionally the table saw for rip cuts. I have a drill press on hand, and it’s easier to make right angle cuts by drilling at the corner (where the two lines intersect at a right angle) and then either using the table saw to cut to the drill hole and then rotating it to cut the other direction instead of trying to carefully get the table saw to make a perfect, crisp right angle. The end result is the same and normally those places are covered with moulding anyway.

            Anyway. The pieces are usually tongue and groove, and to lock them together, you place your groove pieces flat on the ground and then start to insert the tongue piece into the groove at like a 30ish degree angle. Wiggle it up and down a little until it fits together and then push down on the top of the tongue piece until it’s also flat against the ground. Then, take a little scrap block of wood and put it against the groove side of your tongue piece. Make sure your wood block is above the little flap that sticks out of the groove piece; you want to make sure not to accidentally break this because if you do, the piece won’t lock correctly with the subsequent piece! Then you just hit the block, moving it down the length of your plank until the two pieces are locked together the long way. My uncle and I had to do some gymnastics to knock the short ends together because we’re both like 5′ tall and I bought a 48″ plank (oops) but you want to put your foot on the joints on the short end so that when you knock it together on the free end, the plank doesn’t pop up over your previous plank. Then you just keep going! Does that make sense? It sounds harder than it actually is writing it out, but I promise it’s not super difficult and is actually fun because you get to hit things haha. When my uncle was explaining it to me, I was like ??? but then when he showed it to me I was like. Ohhhhhhhh. Now it’s clicking. Like the flooring!

            My favorite part was baseboards haha. My miter saw is easily my favorite saw, so it was just fun times with the miter saw and then the nail gun. My least favorite was sinking money into things that I could not DIY, like replacing the furnace. My other least favorite was not being able to kick through drywall like the Property Brothers. :( They make it look so easy!

    11. LizB*

      Ahhhhh that’s such a wonderful feeling, when the house is finally together enough that it feels like actual home. (I bought and moved in November so I have also been through that recently.) Congrats!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I mostly knit, crochet, and cross stitch. None of those are particularly unusual hobbies in and of themselves, but I tend to cross stitch weird things. I have a sampler in my bathroom with e.coli, salmonella and c.diff that says “Wash your hands”, and I’m working on-and-off on a patchwork piece made up of a bunch of small stitched germs. (My mother was slightly mortified that I was working on herpes simplex II while we were on an airplane going to Disneyworld.) My current stitching project is actually a map of Chernobyl’s reactor 4 core rods at the moment of the explosion.

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I would LOVE to see your germ stitchery! I have seen a lot of “interesting ” stitchery on facebook, and love it all.

        1. Artemesia*

          We live near a surgical museum and they have germs and cells Christmas ornament e.g. you can get a stuffed ecoli or in my case when I was coming off a broken bone, I got a stuffed bone cell with a Christmas hat ornament.

        2. Ermintrude*

          So. My country flung itself off a cliff whilst making rude gestures at the other countries who we used to be friends with. My citizenship has been taken away by my government and bigots seem to feel they have free reign. Government seems to be working by use of slogans and Endless lying and the media isn’t helping. It’s scary and upsetting and I really would like to get my EU passport back but that’s quite hard with small children at school (limits the potential to live in another country on and off).
          It’s just – horrifying and I honestly don’t recognise my country any more

          3. Nancy*

            Same here. I feel so … alienated and afraid for the future. I’m in the lucky position of having managed to get a passport from friendly neighbouring country where my grandfather was from, but unfortunately my children are not eligible – although they would have been if I’d become a citizen before they were born – and I just feel so sad and angry that the opportunities available to me won’t be open to them.

            1. Nancy*

              I heard that the PM was going to have a celebratory dinner of traditional English food – roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, Shropshire blue cheese. And I thought, right, I’m going to have French onion soup, Wiener schnitzel and Gorgonzola. That’ll show them!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Haha, that sounds fun. I’ve been working on a Titanic travel poster for years. I do a little bit and then put it away for ages. The goal was to frame it and hang it in a ship-themed bathroom, but that never happened since I never was able to afford a bathroom remodel at my house.

      3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        That’s interesting – I had a conversation today with someone along the lines of “some people knit; some people crochet; some people do both, but they tend to have a strong preference for one over the other”.

        I strongly prefer crochet because I find it more intuitive, more forgiving, and far faster. Which do you prefer, or are you going to blow my theory out of the water?

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          Oh and coincidentally I’m also elbow-deep in a Chernobyl WIP, but it’s an Afghan for a child living there.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          In general, I have a strong preference for knitting, because my favorite types of yarnwork are cables and lace, both of which are not really well suited (IMO) to crochet. :) But I learned to crochet about twenty years before I learned to knit. :)

      4. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Red Reader, if you are not a member of Millennial Needlecrafts on FB y’all need to get on over! Your stuff will be LOVED!
        Don’t worry if you are not a millennial, they are VERY welcoming (mid 50’s here).
        Also, I /really/ want to see them!

      5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Currently obsessed with Blackwork embroidery (ok, so it started like 2 years ago!).
        I also work at the Ren Faire, so I sew and craft and all that.
        Newest obsession is aerial yoga. LOVE it. I have pretty much no experience with yoga, and am terribly out of shape due to since resolved health issues. Oh and sometimes I get vertigo. Doesn’t matter – it’s still fun!

    2. Felicia*

      I bellydance which people always seem shocked by. Maybe that’s unusual! I also write, but less unusual

    3. Nessun*

      I study Tarot (and also collect decks). I’m a neophyte but I love the psychology of the cards and I love the artwork and archetypes. I pull a card daily, and I take classes in addition to reading.

        1. Nessun*

          I’m taking a course through an online tarot website, and I have bought a lot of books for my independent learning. I’ve already taken one course with the same website, and the community there is very friendly.

      2. Penny Parker*

        Working with the cards can be fun. Do you have a favorite deck you use?

        I used to be a professional reader back for a short time back in the late 1980s, and worked with tarot since the early 1970s. However… I put my cards away in 2009 because no matter how I shuffled and pulled them I only got the same card over, and over, and over, and over. My son had just died a tragic death; my mom was in the process of dying and had been kidnapped by my sister; and I was opening a new business. A lot else was going on, too. On the stress scale (if you score 300 or more it is likely you will get sick the next year) I scored around 700. And the only card my deck would give me was the card of Grief.

        So, I put them away and spent my time grieving. I am now in a place of my life where I am very happy and feeling blessed so have thought about getting them out again but still feel a blockage there. I think I would need a new deck.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I collect Victorian cabinet cards with photos of people on them. I’ve got four or five of those albums with the window slots and a couple of them are completely full. I’m extremely picky about the cards I buy, so I don’t like it when people try to give them to me, and I don’t give a rip about postcards. Luckily, except for certain hard-to-find ones, they’re pretty cheap. You can usually find them at flea markets.

    6. Chaordic One*

      While not unusual, I collect Barbie dolls. While my collection is mostly Barbies, I also have several other kinds of fashion dolls and a few antique dolls and antique stuffed animals. I display many of them in china cabinets in my home. I worry that I might be getting to be a bit of a “hoarder” and am thinking about getting rid of some of them, but I’m not really sure just how to best go about doing that.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      My main hobby is drinking.
      I know how that sounds, but I do love to visit distilleries and breweries (and wineries, but not nearly as much), and hear about the details of and variations on the process. I also like to try new beers and whiskies, and make notes and/or rate them, and share my finds with other enthusiasts.
      So, I hope it qualifies as a hobby if it’s about quality more than quantity.
      I miss juggling. That used to be a big hobby of mine, I’d practice every week, working on new tricks. I was good with 4 balls, 3 clubs, the diabolo, and a few 2-person passing tricks. But I feel like I have less free time now than I did when I wasn’t a parent. Plus apparently part of being a “grown-up” is having more valuable and breakable stuff.

      1. many bells down*

        You know what, I also count beer as one of my hobbies, and I can’t drink more than 2 in a day. Totally about quality over quantity.

      2. Pippa K*

        Hadn’t thought of drinking in terms of a hobby, but spouse and I like the same sorts of things as you. It’s really enjoyable to learn how things are produced. We’ve done cocktail classes as well which was a lot of fun. We probably don’t drink more as a result, but we do drink better!

      3. KMK*

        Someone asked me recently if I collected anything and I thought for a moment and then asked if gin counted. I seem to have five in the liquor supply.

    8. Lady Alys*

      I use fountain pens when at all possible, and have a small collection, as well as a lot of ink. Probably not unusual by itself, but I’ve gone to fountain pen shows and am a member (not very active though) of a local fountain pen club. My family used to think I was crazy (well some of them still do) but now my daughter uses them for her bullet journaling, and my husband even “allowed” me to buy one for him, which he actually uses at work.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I love fountain pens! I wish we had a local fountain pen club. What are your meetings like? What kind of things do you do?

        1. Lady Alys*

          Most of the time there is a theme, with a member speaking (e.g. at our January meeting someone showed Christmas-themed pen advertisements from the past century) or sometimes a guest – our next meeting features a Pilot pen expert. There is a nice mix of people with really specialized knowledge and newbies like me, so I don’t feel dumb, and everybody is very generous about letting others test-write with their super-fancy pens.

    9. old curmudgeon*

      My hobby is pottery, specifically wheel-throwing. I have a pottery wheel in the basement, and there are a couple of community studios in the area where I can fire the stuff I want to keep.

      I used to be able to sit at the wheel and crank out pots for hours at a time, producing so many that I’d give them away to charitable organizations to use as fundraisers, but arthritis has put an end to that. I still love throwing, though, and try to fit some time in for it at least most weekends.

      For me, throwing a pot is almost a meditative process. See, the first thing you have to do is to get your lump of clay perfectly centered on the wheel as it whirls, and I find that is a vivid metaphor for centering my head. When I am “in the zone,” centering and throwing pots, I am truly in my happy place, and the rest of my life is happier and better balanced as a result.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Ooh you’ve just reminded me that I have at least one episode of the latest series of Throwdown to catch up with! Thank you!

        I used to live with a ceramicist and I find the entire process captivating. Some kind of cross between alchemy and witchcraft, honestly.

    11. NeverNicky*

      Indoor hobbies are needle(s)/hook and thread/yarn related – pretty much any you can name except quilting. Oh, and book related.

      Outdoors, I am establishing a garden and my partner and I geocache. We’ve just booked flights to go to a massive geocaching event in Prague in May

    12. Cap. Marvel*

      I don’t have any unusual ones. I really enjoy playing Nancy Drew video games (they are puzzle/logic games) and going to escape rooms. I also like to fence and learn languages. I’m attempting to learn Chinese right now.

    13. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Reading (and hoarding books – turns out there’s a Japanese term for buying books you never get around to reading! It’s called tsundoku), writing (which comes with a modest fountain pen and ink collection because I write my first drafts by hand and ballpoints hurt after a while), gaming (as well as collecting/hoarding games), and crocheting are my main ones. Recently also been temped to get into historical sewing because YouTube recommended me a video of a woman buying a Chinese knock-off of a dress she’d made and setting a piece of it on fire ( for science). Nothing too unusual, I guess.

    14. Raia*

      I play video games, and have recently started picking up board games as well – there’s a thriving community out there past Monopoly! Other than that, I play an unusual musical instrument and read up on personal finance and the FIRE movement.

    15. Kuododi*

      I started with piano at age 4 and singing around the same time. Im also a voracious reader. After my first bout with cancer, I taught myself to make beaded jewelry. (Unfortunately a raging case of carpal tunnel has limited my ability to continue with piano and jewelry making.). I’ve had the surgeries during summer of last year so I am slowly building back up my ability to play piano and make jewelry.

    16. Anon and alone*

      I make, or in many cases, remake bead jewelry. I got a lot of my “stock” from a thrift place similar to Goodwill’s Reuse center (based on descriptions of same). I also read, a lot. I collect unicorns.

    17. Stormy Weather*

      I color. I have a crazy amount of coloring books, 90% of them gifts. It’s meditative sometimes because it needs a fair amount of focus, but at the same time, it’s not that mentally tasking.

      One of my favorite books is the one full of British vulgarity.

  14. Invisible Fish*

    Not a work question- I swear- but a question about reclaiming your life after your focus on work is out of control. It’s a Saturday. I’m an educator. I’m looking around me with wide eyes because I can’t think of anything I WANT to do. Has anyone ever let work become such a focus that you have no life outside of it? What did you do to fix this? I want a real life. I feel like . . . maybe the parts of my brain not focused on work have been excised? I’m in an urban area- restaurants and stores and museums and plays and movies abound!! Yet I’m struggling to think of anything beyond “What do I need to do to be ready for work next week?” Help!! How do I become a real, whole person again?

    1. Book Pony*

      I have this problem all the time.

      I have a sibling that lives with me, so I usually just wander over and see what they want to do. If that doesn’t work, I have a TON of computer games on my desktop that I can play to help me do something fun.

      I would say be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Take it one step at a time, and maybe focus on one area of your body? Like, for me, I go, “Ok, my feet hurt. How can I fix that and regain spoons?” and then I stick my feet in my foot massager and listen to heavy metal covers of Star Wars.

      I think if you maybe work on each section of yourself, with the goal of becoming a real human again, that might help?

    2. Not A Manager*

      For me, this is a habit like any other. I get in the habit of being mono-focused, and it’s a hard habit to break. I have the most luck taking small but consistent steps.

      First, are you getting enough actual down-time? When you’re at home, are you always squirreling around in your own mind about work? Or are you able to actually relax? The first thing I would do, before getting out of the house, is to make sure that every day (and more on weekends) has SOME sacred time/space where you are truly relaxing and not thinking about work. Can the bedroom be a work-free zone? Can “any time after 9:30 pm” be a work-free time? Do you have things to engage your mind that are not work-related, like books or movies or hobbies?

      Once you’ve done that, commit to just getting out of the house each weekend day, for SOMETHING, even it’s short, not very “cultural” and/or you’re not really feeling it. A walk to the nearest coffee shop. One gallery at one museum. Etc. In a few weeks, if that’s feeling good and energizing, you could add one scheduled activity that you think you might enjoy. A yoga class or a lecture or a theater subscription.

      Anyway, this is what I’ve done when I’ve had the “stuck in a rut” blahs. Hope some of it might help you!

    3. Chaordic One*

      I often find that I am exhausted from work and that when I am not at work, it seems like all I have time to do is housework and cleaning and laundry and that’s my life. Bleah!

    4. Meepmeep*

      My wife is like this. I’ve convinced her to take drum lessons as an antidote. I may regret this later.

    5. Cap. Marvel*

      This may sound silly but have you tried taking a walk?
      When I get overwhelmed I like to change my location so I take long walks with no destination in mind. And since you live in an urban area, maybe on one of your walks you’ll find something that looks interesting. I found an axe throwing place on one of my walks.
      And when I lived in DC, I really loved walking down to the monuments because it was a nice long walk and I had time to myself to think. Sometimes I invited friends along but mostly it was a “me time” activity.

    6. LQ*

      I’ve been struggling with this a bit too. Some of the things I’ve tried that seem to work best.

      Set aside Saturday (or Sunday, or both) morning as NonWorkTime. At least first thing in the morning. My goal is to read one novellaish length book a week, in bed before getting up. Doing it while still in bed helps feel like I’m not in the Should Be Working part of my life. Morning is also helpful because you can promise the part of your brain stressing about work stuff that you’ll get to it later.

      Get a hobby that requires a different part of the brain. I used to write. I can’t right now. Something physical helps. Setting a timer that is low key is good. You can promise yourself you’ll go back to stressing about work stuff after this 30 minutes is over, but you’re going to paint for 30 minutes. If the timer goes off and you keep going, that’s great. But you’re going to sit there and do Not Work for 30 minutes either way.

      Doing something that has low entry points for time and thought. A puzzle that’s always out and you may just sit down with the timer for 5 minutes, but it doesn’t require set up/takedown. Set up/take down always make me feel the worst for some reason, so I just try to leave things at my fingertips for a less than 1-minute entry point.

    7. Mimosa Jones*

      If you’re having a hard time knowing what you want to do, then try approaching it from the other end and rule out what you don’t want to do. Then choose something from what’s left. If you don’t like it, then you’ve ruled out another thing. Or use a different starting criteria for your decision like something inside/outside, or involving food, or costs under $x. You could look at your local paper’s events listings for the weekend and see if there’s anything you like.

      The earlier idea of walking is a good one. You can start with your neighborhood and then branch out to rail trails, malls, and local parks.

      Does your city have a tourist bus? Go ride that tomorrow and see if it sparks an interest in something.

    8. Koala dreams*

      I try to think of things I liked to do before. Also, I think better when I have some paper and a pen where I can write ideas. So I can write different things before I decide to try something. “Watching tv, cooking, listening to music, go for a walk” and so on.

    9. Thankful for AAM*

      I’ve sort of been there.
      I consciously practiced making decisions and doing what I wanted. I mean very small decisions about where to sit or if and how to get my hair cut. Not life decisions.
      I noticed myself deciding and as I built up my “decider muscles,” I got better at choosing what I wanted for bigger things too.

    10. BC Lower Mainlander*

      I started doing cardio kickboxing a couple of years ago, started making friends with people in my age group from there (40-50). Interestingly enough, we’re quite dissimilar in many ways but we get along fabulously and we pull each other out of our headspace. It’s been loads of fun!

    11. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      I’ve had this before. And typically where I have planned to do something. But when the times comes, I cannot make myself actually do it. I just sit there. It might be something like baking or it might be taking my daughter to shop for clothes. I just don’t want to do anything. Not good.

    12. lasslisa*

      Yeah. It finally clicked with me that I couldn’t answer the question “what do you WANT to do?”

      I worked on those muscles a bit, as said above – and just worked on imagining doing a couple of different things and seeing what sounded nice. Try to bake bread? Look for people who wanted to play squash? Go swim at the Y? Do a bunch of little home repairs?

      See if you can remember some things you used to like, that can be a good start to try and remember what it feels like to like things.

      1. lasslisa*

        Oh, I meant to suggest, volunteering also is a good way to stretch those muscles. It’s a little bit easier to treat it as important, because it’s not just for you, but it’s not just for work either and it is driven by your own choices.

  15. coffee cup*

    I posted a few weeks ago I think about possibly trying antidepressants. I went to the doctor this week and have a prescription for a very low dose of an SSRI. I’ve held off starting them because I’m going away tomorrow till Tues and would rather not feel weird when I’m supposed to having a nice break from work. So I might start them next week.

    I’m really nervous though. The doctor agreed they could be beneficial and I’m to go back to see him in a couple of weeks to see how I’m getting on. I know that they take a while to work and can have side effects at the start, but he was confident that the dose is so low it would only probably be a case of a bit of nausea and tiredness. I also see that I’m not supposed to drive till I know how they affect me… bit concerning given that I really can’t avoid driving to/from work and don’t wish to tell my work about it unless I really have to (I’ve tried to get help from them before and it’s always just such an issue that I have given up for now). I’ve asked my friend who lives nearby if he’d mind giving me a lift more often, and he kindly agreed (we work together). So I have an option there anyway.

    I would just love some advice and maybe to hear about how people coped with starting to take them? I really want just to feel a bit better so I can get to work on my actual life changes I need to make, so I’m intending for this to be a short-term thing. But I’m a bit worried about actually doing it. If I had a physical injury I’d take painkillers, so this isn’t any different… but the list of side effects freaks me out a bit!

    1. mreasy*

      The side effects of SSRIs are usually not so bad – headache, nausea, fatigue, but all very mild, especially at a low dose. I’ve never had a doc mention anything about driving to me (and I have been on dozens of different meds over the years), but being on the safe side does sound wise. Maybe just start the meds on a day when you know you’ll be staying home, to confirm there’s no major side effects? I’d think if you were going to get woozy/dizzy you’d know pretty immediately. Good luck! I hope they help.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      Starting wasn’t hard for me for three of the four SSRIs I tried. A day of nausea, a week of metallic taste and loose stools (sorry if that’s TMI!), one or two days of tiredness, and then it was back to normal, except I did feel different – more… flat? emotionally, less ups and downs. The fourth one, I got more and more tired, and more and more anxious (I took them for OCD). The doc tried adding things to deal with the side effects, and they worked until they spectacularly didn’t (visual hallucination of my worst OCD trigger). But you can avoid that by switching SSRIs instead of layering new things (wellbutrin was ok, the anti-psychotic was not).

      Coming *off* them really sucked, tinnitis and ‘zings’, so make sure you taper slowly or switch, and do it with a doctor’s guidance.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Yes, the list of side-effects freaked me out too, but bear in mind that anxiety about taking it might be why you are being prescribed them in the first place, i.e. anxiety can be a symptom of what you have!

      I was very nervous at first. I had dry mouth, and insomnia.
      The dry mouth – I drank lots of water and looked after my teeth (still do).
      I take the tablets in the morning now and not at night, and my sleep has improved.
      I think I’ve put weight on too, but I reckon that’s because I’m more relaxed, less anxious, and am sleeping more.

      Honestly, they saved my life. I think I’ll be on them for a while. Certainly until the menopause has finished.
      I am so glad i took that step.

      Stick to your normal routine when you’re taking them, then it’s easy to notice if anything is different and you can discuss your concerns with your doctor.

      I think you’ll probably feel worse before you feel better, but the side-effects only last from between a few days to a few weeks, and if they work, they really work.

      And remember, nothing is set in stone. You can come off them with your doc’s support and try something else.

      If you’re in the UK (I think you are) you can refer yourself for counselling through your IAPT service, but I recommend MIND for counselling if you want a talking therapy.

      All the best to you!

      1. Kuododi*

        Part of the problem with the side effects list…(at least in the US, I don’t know about the rules in other countries.)..is manufacturers are required to list every possible side effects from dry mouth to death and everything in between. It certainly is anxiety producing to read those lists. Personally, I find information to be the best cure for that type of anxiety. Pharmacist, MD’s, RN are all reliable sources of info for clarification of questions/concerns. Best wishes.

    4. 30ish*

      I remember being in this place and can only encourage you to start with the meds! They may take a while to kick in. I never had any noticeable side effects from taking them and was just so relieved when they finally started working.

    5. nm*

      I started one last year (very low dose as well) and it went quite well. The idea was if I had antidepressants, then even when my stress/anxiety gets bad, it’s easier to take a step back, identify something helpful to do (like meditating, a short walk, a few deep breaths), and then actually do it. So far it’s worked out fine! My only side effect was that I was *very* gassy for the first two weeks but after that my stomach went back to normal.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I am on a low dose of a SSRI for migraine prevention, and to be honest, I didn’t know it was an SSRI for a couple of years after I started taking it! I haven’t had any side effects. The only thing I’ve noticed is that if I forget to take it, I have more vivid dreams and don’t sleep as soundly. I hope your experience is smooth and side effect free.

    7. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I take low-dose SSRIs for migraine, so I take them in the evening, and I usually just plan on being extra tired for a week when I adjust the dose. So I either take them earlier at night if I have stuff in the morning, or I clear my mornings so I have an extra hour or two to wake up.

      If you’re taking a morning dose, you could take it after you get to work, so if you’re groggy it’s when you’re done driving?

    8. Better Now*

      When I was prescribed an antidepressant, Wellbutrin (not an SSRI) I immediately felt better and had this extra boost of energy. The first day or so I was almost hyper, but that only lasted briefly. After that initial burst I felt calmer, but much better. The side effects from the medication were dry mouth and constipation so I had to pay more attention than usual to my dental health, more frequent brushing and flossing. I used toothpaste, mouthwash and mouth spray from “Biotene”. (The newer Biotene toothpaste is much better than it was several years ago.)

      I also had to make more of an effort to watch what I ate. More fruits, vegetables and fiber. Prunes became a regular part of my diet and about once every week or two I found I needed to use a laxative and/or stool softener. I usually bought the store brand of a Colace-like stool softener and plant-based “sennosides” laxatives. There’s a senna herbal tea that works well put out by “Traditional Medicinals” that you can find in many grocery stores.

      My doctor recommended “Miralax” and “Citrucel” and they were both helpful, but not especially so, just kind of “meh”. I will say that Citrucel is better than Metamucil which gave me lots of gas. I also used a probiotic, “Florajen 3” which helped some.

      At one point, my doctor supplemented the Wellbutrin with Effexor. I’m not really sure why. After starting the Effexor, I immediately developed a cold that didn’t seem to go away, until my social worker realized that I didn’t really have a cold and the symptoms were side effects from the Effexor. So I quit taking Effexor, the cold symptoms went away and I continued with Wellbutrin for a while longer and counseling for quite a while after that. And I got better.

    9. Sherm*

      I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think antidepressants commonly (or even uncommonly) make people incapable of driving safely, so I wouldn’t worry.

      I do get the fear of trying it for the first time, the sense of “wow, I’m actually going to swallow this, here we go.” My only side effect was waking up a couple hours before I wanted to, and that went away when I switched from taking it in the morning to the evening. It’s sounding like your doctor is on top of things — you can explain anything that’s going wrong at your 2-week visit, or call earlier if the problem needs more immediate attention. They may or may not work, but promise you this: you will not keel over, have a “bad trip,” or lose control like you’ve been at the bar until closing time. You’ve got this!

    10. cleo*

      Good for you for taking this step. I was nervous when I started an SSRI too. (Partly because I’d resisted taking one for like 10 years because I thought it was “cheating” – I know! It took a mental health crisis for me to realize that wasn’t a useful attitude. And taking it did actually help me – it took the edge off enough so that my other therapeutic work was more effective).

      My main side effect was nausea. It lasted at least a couple weeks, maybe more. I ate a lot of crackers and candied ginger and drank a lot of ginger tea and it gradually got better.

      1. Better Now*

        I remember feeling afraid that if I took an antidepressant that I wouldn’t be me. (I wasn’t sure who I’d be, but I was afraid of losing myself.) Then when it came time to wean myself off of the drug, I was also afraid of stopping. In retrospect, I didn’t stop being me, but the drug helped me to be a bit more focused and free from the extraneous thoughts that made me nervous and anxious, it made me be a bit more myself.

        By the time I was ready to stop, I had gotten through the worse part of the depression and I had learned better coping skills and how to take better care of myself. I also had developed a better perspective about life and my place in it.

    11. MysteryFan*

      I did SSRI’s and had no side effects starting out. In fact, in two days, I felt like I just “woke up”.. it was great! After awhile, I notices depressed libido, but that was okay at the time. What I did notice was if I forgot a dose, I’d feel crummy.. kind of “hung over” til I realized what the issue was. When I went off them for good, I just had to lower the dose gradually, and power thru feeling bad for a week or so.

    12. Salymander*

      I started my ssri antidepressants on a Friday, in case of side effects. I felt a tiny bit sleepy so started taking at night. The slight sleepiness wore off quickly, after a few days maybe. No nausea or any other problems. It helped my depression so much, and I was eventually able to wean off of them (carefully and under a doctor’s supervision!!!).
      OP, I wish you good health and contentment, and I hope the meds work really well for you!

    13. Courageous cat*

      Hmm, you can definitely drive when you first take them – maybe just don’t drive on the very first dose in case it’s sedating? But SSRIs aren’t, like, going to reduce your reaction time or anything. I think you may be taking the warnings they give for most medications a little literally, that’s just a “cover your ass” thing that goes on a lot of them.

      I’ve taken most SSRIs. Nothing to be nervous about – you’ll, more likely than not, get no side effects and be fine. I don’t get side effects from any of them. There’s nothing to need to cope with, honestly. They’re there to make your life better, and that’s worth getting excited about! Best of luck!

  16. Unidentifed Lurker*

    Good morning all,
    Long time lurker – but I’ve only commented a couple of times and I normally get to this thread late. My stars must be in alignment today because I’m early. Mostly owing to the think we can’t talk about on weekends but I’ll take what I can get. I need to vent into the anonymous void because I think I’ve lost my shit. DH is an alcoholic, who was sober up until two weeks ago. Let me tell you, that two weeks have been HELL. We’ve been together for over 20 years, and during that time he didn’t drink. 5 years ago, the alcoholism reared it’s ugly head and we’ve walked through fire…. rehabs, psychiatric hospitals, regular hospitals, one night in jail for D&D…. I’ve done all of the things the various professionals have told me to, but I just can’t…. anymore…. He’s been diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, OCD, BPD and anxiety (probably other things I can’t remember now). Up until this relapse, he took his meds faithfully and I had hope. I’m fresh out of hope and fresh out of f***s to give now. I want to dump him out on the street in a snowbank and hope for the best, but I know I can’t because the person I am wouldn’t do that to a sick person. And he is very sick. But I’m furious, frustrated and frightened for both of us. We’re waiting for a bed to open up in rehab but I have no hope that rehab will work. I can’t let myself hope because when I do I end up disappointed.
    I just want to scream until I can’t scream any longer. He doesn’t give a crap about me when he’s like this, but sober he’s the best partner in the world. Divorce isn’t an option at this point in our marriage, we’re on the brink of financial disaster (hello whiskey) but it is an option for the future. What I don’t need is people pointing out that I’m an enabler. Yes, I am aware of being the enabler this time, but I’m doing what I need to do to keep myself safe and our home intact. A couple of years ago he became violent and smashed everything in the house while I was at work because I refused to leave work to bring him alcohol. I can defend myself physically if necessary but I hope it doesn’t come to that because if he raised a hand, I’d be the one who ended up in jail (6th Dan Isshin-Ru).
    Sorry this was a rant, I guess I needed to vent because I’m working my tail off and he’s passed out with a half empty bottle in his hand. I keep telling myself 3 more days…..
    Thanks for listening

    1. Lena Clare*

      I’m sending you big hugs. Hang in there. Alcoholism is horrible, for everyone. I know that words don’t mean much, but i wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you, and wishing and hoping for the best for you – whatever that is.

      1. valentine*

        If you’re saying you’re providing alcohol so he doesn’t smash up the house or assault you, you’re a hostage. This is all kinds of dangerous for you and you deserve better. What if you look up the law on abandoning the family home, have a lawyer film a walk-through to show the status of the home, and move out? Separation, if not divorce, especially if you’re legally allowed to separate your finances as well. The second-best time to stem his tide is now. I would call RAINN or a similar hotline right now and see what they say.

        I can defend myself physically if necessary but I hope it doesn’t come to that because if he raised a hand, I’d be the one who ended up in jail (6th Dan Isshin-Ru).
        I cannot overemphasize how much this expectation will differ from the reality.

        1. LGC*

          To be fair, I think the husband smashed up the house because Unidentified Lurker didn’t leave their job to get him alcohol! So I don’t know if UL is directly providing their husband with alcohol. (It’s ambiguous – they did point that out, but they also said they were the enabler this time…but also, the husband is an adult and can get his own booze anyway, most likely.)

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      That sucks, and good luck. Addiction is so very hard to deal with, walking that line between short term and long term needs, which are very much in conflict. You are the best person to judge how to balance them.

    3. fposte*

      I’m not even living with this and I made screaming noises while reading your post. This is heartbreaking and enraging. I’m so sorry.

      You didn’t mention it, but I know Al-Anon has been helpful to relatives and friends from all kinds of philosophical backgrounds; there are online meetings if in-person ones don’t work for you. I think it helps with the crushing isolation of life with an addict.

      I hope that the next three days are quiet and his rehab stint brings him sobriety and you peace.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry you’re going though this. I want to just gently ask about this sentence: “Divorce isn’t an option at this point in our marriage, we’re on the brink of financial disaster (hello whiskey) but it is an option for the future.”

      If your spouse and his relationship to alcohol has pushed you to the brink of financial disaster now, why do you think this will be different in the future? He sounds like a very non-functioning alcoholic, with the smashing things and insisting you leave work, etc. I’m not sure your financial situation is likely to improve, long-term. In any event, I think for your own peace of mind you should get as much support as possible for spouses of people with addiction issues (like Al Anon), but I also think you should IMMEDIATELY consult with a divorce lawyer and a financial planner. That doesn’t mean you’re planning to leave or that you “have” to leave. But you should know what your realistic options are. (Many professionals will do an initial consult cost-free or very low-cost, so if you’re trying to get a big-picture sense of your situation, it might not require a big investment on your part.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. If you know that divorce might be a consideration in the future now is the time to think about this. You could face a time in the future where leaving is not optional as in you have to leave and it’s sudden and/or dire. Start doing things to protect yourself now.

        Keep in mind that protecting yourself from being injured also includes, psychological/emotional injuries and financial injuries.

      2. Rebecca*

        My ex husband’s addiction was gambling. If I had to do it all over again, I would have filed for divorce 20 years before I did, to hell with the consequences, finances, all of it. Please at least get a consultation. You shouldn’t have to live like this.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          I second the lawyer consultation
          It sounds like your physical and financial health is at great risk. PLEASE don’t assume you’d win a fight with a drunk. Holy Cow! Protect yourself, please!

        2. NoLongerYoung*

          Sorry, third here. I kept being the good wife, struggling along, putting up with, working my tail off, while my spouse (women, gambling, pain killers and lying were his addictions, at various times/combos.). I didn’t know, but in retrospect, the lack of respect and way I was treated, should have been enough that I should have pulled the plug even if I’d had to use legal aid for the divorce filing and borrowed money from family and declared bankruptcy. There’s worse things. Much, much worse.
          I do recommend Al-Anon. Different groups have different makeup and styles. I chose one that was all women. I’m in an area that has many meetings, so I was able to pick and test the waters with different ones until I meshed. (And I did get mental health counseling through my work benefits weekly as well ; crying uncontrollably when asked about my life at the doctor’s office launched me into that blessing).

        3. Lora*

          Fourth. My ex liked cocaine and cheap Craigslist hookers. He drained my savings and I blew through my 401k sending him to rehab, all of which did exactly nothing to fix him.

          Protect yourself first. At this point I tend to think that nobody, including the experts, really know anything at all about addiction and people just get better or don’t. It’s like putting tuberculosis patients in sanitariums with lots of fresh air and hoping for the best.

      3. Tris Prior*

        I agree with this. Your husband sounds like my father, who was using alcohol to self-medicate his untreated bipolar. He also used to smash up the house and when my mom would call the cops, they’d say “his name is on the house too, he can smash it up if he wants.” She stayed married to him for 40 years, until he died, and suffered severe health consequences herself from having to caregive him (the decades of heavy drinking caused a variety of issues late in life from dementia to mini-strokes to a broken hip and vertebrae – apparently that many years of heavy consumption can give you osteoporosis even if you’re male?)

        She thought she couldn’t leave for financial reasons; she said her credit score would be ruined. Maybe so, but maybe she’d also have her health, physical and mental. And at the rate he was spending – on booze and on just STUFF, his main symptom when he was manic was spending freely – she might’ve been better off moneywise without him. But, she was too afraid to ask for help and find out.

        Please look into your options as others have suggested. Even if he goes to rehab, he has to want help, and if he does not, there is nothing they can do for him. Learned that one the hard way from my father.

    5. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      My uncle had a spouse like this and found a lot of support in Al-anon. Check them out online and see if it could work for you. Believe me, you are not the only one going through this or having these feelings. Sending you virtual hugs and many blessings for brighter days ahead! ❤

    6. Johanna*

      I’m so sorry. I have to say, you’ve been so strong for sticking around for the past five years. I hope things get better for you. I’m an addict in recovery with a sister still in the madness. My mother told me she got help from therapy and alanon.

      Please take care of yourself. And remember it’s 100% not your fault, there was no magic thing you could have done to make everything better.

    7. Nom de Plume*

      I’m sorry if I’m overstepping. The phrase “divorce is not an option at this point in our marriage” jumped out at me, and I’d like to challenge that notion. I divorced my husband of nearly 17 years. We had a then 10 year old. I won’t say it wasn’t hard, but please don’t tell yourself that you have to stay and be destroyed by this man.

    8. LGC*

      Oh man!

      So…yeah, this is a lot, but I’m just going to focus on one thing:

      I want to dump him out on the street in a snowbank and hope for the best, but I know I can’t because the person I am wouldn’t do that to a sick person.

      I have a couple of questions:

      First, why is dumping him out on the street in a snowbank the only alternative to taking care of him?

      Second, why does he get to behave awfully towards you because he’s sick? (Even if – okay – his awful behavior is because of the illness?)

      To be honest, you’re going through a TON, and a lot more than a lot of people. You get to be in pain as well, and just because your husband is suffering doesn’t mean he has the right to treat you like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. I don’t think you have to kick him to the curb – it doesn’t sound like you want to anyway – but you definitely get to say that you can’t put up with his alcohol abuse anymore. And that doesn’t make you a bad person for walking away – maybe it’s not a problem that you can help him fix or you can be there for him fixing.

      Also, you yourself aren’t a bad person or an “enabler” just because you haven’t dramatically dumped your husband. You’re trying to survive the best you can. And – if I may – I read your post and…like, the impression I got was that you feel like no matter what you do, you’re a horrible person. Either you’re bad because you’re not supportive enough of him (even if his behavior is abusive), or you’re bad because you’re too supportive and haven’t left him yet (even if that’s not feasible at the moment). The only thing that will redeem you is if…he gets sober again, but in the end, he’s the one that has to do the work to be sober.

      2. EinJungerLudendorff*

        This. You’ve tried to help him for five years against a whole host of life-wrecking problems, he has often been awful to you, and now you sound completely done with it.

        You are not obligated to sacrifice yourself for him. You don’t have to stay with someone who doesn’t want you. And you deserve someone who doesn’t abuse or threaten you.

    9. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Once he gets a place in rehab, would they work with you to find him somewhere else to go if you told them he couldn’t come back to your home?

      Alternatively, can you find somewhere else to stay for a while–someone who needs a roommate, a friend’s couch? That doesn’t leave him out in a snowbank. It would be deciding that your priorities are your own safety, and not dumping him out in the snow, and that keeping your home intact would be nice but is less important.

    11. Dan*

      Hi,

      Sorry you have to deal with this — I dealt with similar issues with my ex and her family, and it’s no picnic. Anybody who calls you an enabler doesn’t know what it’s like. “For better or worse” doesn’t give a spouse carte blanche to make the other’s life a living hell.

      Staying with your spouse is just going to drag you down. I left my marriage when I realized it was likely to end in one of three ways: 1) Divorce, 2) Jail, and 3) Option C. Options 2 and 3 weren’t very desirable, and Option 1 was a walk in the park in comparison. Note that my spouse had no job, so while *I* didn’t have to worry about how *I* was going to pay bills, getting a non-working spouse out takes some finesse.

      Point being, I’m going to echo others and suggest you strongly reconsider just how unviable Option 1 really is for you. At least begin the planning process with a legal consultation.

    12. Wandering*

      I am so sorry you’re going through this. The only thing I have to offer right now that I haven’t seen here is a consult and action on restricting his access to your/family money. He’s not in a condition to make safe choices, and you are already at the brink. Can you limit or eliminate his access to funds until he’s back on his feet and his head is above the alcohol?

      I’m on Team You, and in accord with those who remind you do what you can to care for yourself. You can’t help him if you can’t also help yourself. Having help finding him a place to live post-rehab til he’s safely sober again sounds like security for both of you. You’ve said that sober he’s a great partner, so why put both of you in the position of living with his being off the rails until such a time as he can be a great partner again, or you come to some other decision.

      You have courage, and heart, and all of us behind you.

    13. So anon for this*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just wanted to respond to your comments that “the person I am wouldn’t do that to a sick person” because I feel you so, so, much. I spent ten years with a person who had depression, ADD, Aspergers, and a variety of medical diagnoses I won’t go into, but anyway, he was going through some legimitely hard stuff, except he ended up taking it all out on me. The last five years of our relationship were hell, and I put myself through SO much because I thought it was my responsability to help him through this and I couldn’t possibly leave him while he was going through this.
      It did not end well at all – financial disaster in which he stole my savings, a suicide attempt which nearly broke me, and a massive breakdown on my end because I just couldn’t cope anymore. I left him and while it was unbelievably hard, I am just so relieved that this is no longer my life. I’m not saying this to freak you out, and your situation is obviously not the same, but if you need to leave, even temporarily, please give yourself permission to do it and never, ever let yourself feel like like you aren’t a good person because of it. There is only so much you can do to save people from themselves, and you don’t have to loose yourself trying.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I’m sending you a hug, too. You’ve come through to the other side of a tough go, and clearly a compassionate and warm person. Hug.

    14. Koala dreams*

      If he treats you that badly that you need to kick him out, sell the house, or live apart, that’s on him, not on you. Please look out for your own safety. He might be sick but he’s still responsible for his actions. It’s very condescending to say that you can’t treat him like an adult because he’s sick. I know it’s hurting you more than him right now, but it’s not right.

    15. MeepMeep*

      Even with mental illness, there is nothing wrong with requiring a spouse to exercise some basic self-care with respect to their condition in order to stay in the marriage.

      My wife has severe bipolar disorder. She is religious about taking her meds and doing all the right things to keep herself sane. If she ever decided that she doesn’t need to do this, I’d walk out.

      You’re not trapped just because your husband is sick. You are allowed to leave a marriage if your safety and sanity are being threatened. He is not entitled to your love or your care.

      Please take care of yourself. Your sanity and safety matter.

    16. Sleve McDichael*

      Hello beautiful <3 I hope I’m not too late for you to see this. If you’re looking for comfort, advice, sympathy, empathy or just a friendly ear, I strongly recommend you check out Captain Awkward. She and Alison sometimes answer letters for each other, she’s kind of like the Alison of personal relationships. There is also a forum where people vent and share stories and messages of support for each other. And you don’t have to wait for open threads! Jedi hugs to you if you want them!

    17. LibbyG*

      I wish I could send you a big ball of strength and energy. You’re walking such a hard road.

      I used to be married to someone who suddenly lost control of his bipolar disorder, and it was hell. I did end up divorcing him. I had to get to the realization that I wasn’t divorcing to punish him; I just had to get out. I loved him, but I couldn’t share a home and a budget with him anymore.

      I end up seeing him once every couple years or so, out and about. I’m fond of him, and I like remembering our good years together. But leaving the marriage was the best thing I ever did for myself.

    18. Wandering*

      Had another thought: have you tried the local NAMI folks? National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. They have family support programs (which vary in caliber by location/available people), & experience with self medicating exacerbation of illness. Perhaps they’d be helpful, too.

    19. bunniferous*

      Boundaries. My friend had a similar issue with her husband. She kicked him out and told him when he got treatment he could come back. It was the hardest thing she ever did in her life. He was sleeping out in the woods, etc. Fast forward to now, he went to treatment, stays going to AA meetings, now has a responsible job, and is doing well. They are together again.

      But it was a choice HE had to make. And SHE had to let him face the consequences of his bad choices.

      You have my sympathy. This is a really hard row to hoe. My friend suffered terribly. So did he. But it was the only way he had a chance at recovery.

  17. TextFail*

    Texting etiquette question.

    Once in a while someone sends me a text along the lines of “Hey, how are you doing?” or “Hey, what have you been up to?” I’ll try to answer with something interesting and we’ll go back and forth for a while about that, but then when I ask the opening question back to them I’ll get a “I’m good” or “not much.” Then when I ask follow-up questions about specific (stuff happening in their lives, hobbies, etc.), I’ll get more vague answers and the conversation dies.

    It makes me feel like I’m horrible at conversations, and I find it annoying because it seems like the person who reaches out should be willing to share something too. (Kinda like how if you ask someone on a date, you should pay. If you text someone to chat, you should contribute something.)

    Am I doing something wrong or thinking about this the wrong way? I’d start to give “I’m good, you?” and “not much, you?” type responses myself to see what happens, but that seems kind of rude and pointless.

    1. Book Pony*

      Idk, I just accept that most conversations I have with people will die eventually. So instead, I usually just throw convo topics to see what sticks. Weather! Arts! Movies!

      Although I did just a leave group chat because people historically never replied back to anything I was talking about, so I feel like it’s more a “them” than a “you” issue.

      1. TextFail*

        I might be overthinking it because I have (undiagnosed) social anxiety. After reading lots of advice, I am very aware that to have a good conversation you should have interesting things to talk about for yourself and should always pay attention to what’s happening in other peoples’ lives so you have good questions to ask them. I generally only text people when I have something exciting/interesting to share, or if I want to ask them about specific things they have going on. So getting asked vague questions and getting vague answers is confusing, like, “What do you want from me? What am I doing wrong?”

        So I guess maybe we have different convo expectations and the issue is them not putting in as much effort.

    2. Jen in Oregon*

      I disagree with a brief answer being rude/pointless. If the person texting you has something on their mind, I think a short response says “I’m here, and I’m ready to listen.” Something like “hey, it’s so good to hear from you. I’m well, thanks, and I’m so glad you reached out. How are you??” I realize my response is colored by the fact that many of my friends have been having a rough go of it lately, so maybe this doesn’t apply here.

      1. TextFail*

        I was thinking it was rude/pointless because I imagined the entire conversation going like this:

        Them: Hey, how are you doing?
        Me: I’m good, you?
        Them: I’m good.

        Your “Hey, it’s so good to hear from you. I’m well, thanks, and I’m so glad you reached out. How are you?” does sound much more kind and polite.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I agree with Jen – if someone’s really struggling then your touching base can make all the difference, even if they can only manage a platitude in reply.

          You could try something a bit more random, like:

          “Hey Fergus! Today I went to a farmer’s market and tried some blue cheese which reminded me of the time we went to the cafe near work and had those weird sandwiches. Hope you’re doing well.”

          I find that “saw this and thought of you” is a much more intimate message to send or receive, particularly if it’s very personal rather than what they’re more widely known for.

    3. Dan*

      I have a friend from my college days who is like this, and it drives me nuts. Note that college was like 20 years ago, and we live on opposite sides of a major metro area. Every few months (probably 6) he’ll text me with a bland “what’s up, been awhile.” Well crap, yeah, but I wasn’t expecting to have a text conversation with you right then and there. It took a few of those for me to figure out that he actually was trying to say “we should hang out some time.” Well yeah, we should, and the conversation would actually get somewhere if he would just say, “Hey, it’s been awhile, you free some time in the next two weeks?”

      Side note: I’m a computer programmer for a living, and I live alone (introvert and all of that). I spend my entire day in front of the screen. For social time, I actually need to get out and *see and talk* to people, not interact via a screen. Crud.

      1. TextFail*

        OMG. A guy from one of my college classes kept sending me “what’s up?” messages for a while after we graduated, and I was confused because I didn’t know him well and he never had anything to talk about (we’d only talk about whatever interesting things I brought up). I didn’t suggest hanging out because his texts made it seem like he was boring. Maybe he just wanted to hang out and would have been better at conversations in person.

        1. Jen in Oregon*

          For people like this, I use “what’s on your mind?” if I don’t know them that well, they’ve contacted me and don’t have much to say. I find that it’s still polite enough but get’s to the point that they’ve opened a conversation and then not actually started one. If I’m feeling really magnanimous, I might add “Is everything okay?” but before I do I ask myself what I am willing to do if everything is not okay. (It doesn’t make you a bad person if the best you can do for this person is guide them to resources. Being a kind person doesn’t mean you have to let people bleed you dry with their problems, and it doesn’t mean you need to let them nibble you to death with their tediousness either.)

          1. Jen in Oregon*

            Gah. That was supposed to be “get’s to the point that they’ve opened a conversation *but* they *did not* actually started one.”

    4. Koala dreams*

      I’m thinking you must be an amazing texter, getting a back and forth from such messages! Usually when people text things like that it’s just a greeting, and the conversation dies out after the answer (How are you? I’m fine, and you? Just fine, thanks). Sometimes people text you that to see if you’re available to call or skype. It would usually not lead to a conversation. Give yourself permission to just answer the expected “I’m fine”. Not all social interactions are deep and meaningful, small talk is important too!

    5. EinJungerLudendorff*

      In my personal anxiety-ridden experience, those kinds of messages are more of a conversation opener than anything else.
      If someone has something interesting to say, it can turn into an actual conversation, or else it just kinda dies right there. If the other person wanted to talk, they will generally try to talk.

      For what its worth, most of my texting convos tend to kinda grind to a halt when people don’t know what else to say. So that seems pretty normal.

    6. Anon Here*

      It implies that there’s some kind of power imbalance in the relationship. The term for it is, “information disparity.” When one person is sharing more information than the other, or has access to more information about the other person than vice versa. Because, as the saying goes, “Knowledge is power.” If you think abouy that in the context of any relationship, you’ll see what I mean.

      When a person wants to know what you’re doing and how you’re doing but doesn’t want to share the same about themselves, they are either: 1) Intimidated by you or shy about sharing, 2) Trying to have the upper hand. In other words, the power imbalance could go either way, but it’s a sign that something’s up.

      Or your friend is just a bad conversationalist by text message. Maybe they’re distracted or they have trouble expressing themselves in writing. It could be something completely insignificant.

      But if it feels weird, it probably is. You don’t have to keep texting with them. If they’re acting weird and you want to just stop replying, don’t feel bad. You’re reacting to something real.

    7. lasslisa*

      Sometimes I think of texts like that almost as a radar ping. “Hey, you still exist?” “Yeah, I’m here”. And maybe you want to participate in that or not, depending on who it is and how close you are.

  18. Book Pony*

    I’m ’bout to go running into the woods (metaphorically) y’all.

    This question is specifically for black people, but I’ll take answers from any non-white person. (Or autistic people).

    After dealing with some really heavy ish, how do you recenter? Specifically talking about racist/ableist stuff, hence the filtering statement above. I really need to recenter and not let current drama overwhelm me so I can continue being me, but mannnnn is it weighing heavily on me.

    Also, if anyone knows any (online or otherwise) groups for Black Autistic people, I would love to join. I miss hanging out with black people. I miss my community. OTL

    1. Not A Manager*

      Wow, that sounds like a lot. And very isolating. I have heard about a site called The Color of Autism but I don’t know if they have any resources specifically for adults.

    2. Gatomon*

      There are so few PoC where I live that there is no black community, so when I feel a longing, I usually put on music by black artists. Could be anything from Stevie Wonder to Kendrik Lamar.

    3. LGC*

      Hi, fellow black autistic person!

      So, I’m not sure whether you’re talking about dealing with expressed racism and ableism, or discussions about racism and ableism (which can be draining, but in an entirely different way). To be honest…maybe I’m showing my privilege here, but in the latter case, I try to not discuss tough topics unless I’m feeling like I can deal with it because it’s exhausting. It’s like running a marathon – you train for it, and although it’s going to be tough and uncomfortable no matter how hard you train, you shouldn’t feel totally blindsided by it when you’re at the starting line. And then I block off some time to decompress by doing things that aren’t intensive for me – just because that’s the way I work.

      In the former case…for starters, I have a trusted group of friends (and family) that I know will react in a way that makes me feel comfortable – not like I’m either being dismissed or white knighted. Funny enough, the friends I generally talk to are not black – some are queer, some are on the spectrum, but I’m one of the only PoCs. But that’s what works for me.

      It also depends on where this is happening. If this is going on online…I’m surprisingly faint of heart online (shoot, I took an L here a couple of weeks ago and even the relatively mild reaction of “Your take is bad” was intense to deal with for me!), so I’m a firm believer in logging off for a while. (Even though, yes, people use that to silence others.) For me, subjecting myself to people being angry with me on the internet is just not worth the hassle anymore, especially since it seems like everyone is angry with everyone on the internet all the time nowadays. (Which is another post entirely.) If you’re dealing with this IRL…you might want to log on. Obviously, it’s harder to get out of this in real life.

      So yeah, be like me and avoid all your problems.

  19. Jean (just Jean)*

    Asking for support here. Spouse (living with health issue #1, under control and #2, partially under control) recently developed health issue #3. My counselor’s available but scheduling is difficult. I am almost overwhelmed but still resilient: cancelled a non-essential activity to instead attend religious services. Please send good vibes. Thank you.

    1. fposte*

      Ah, Jean, you are having a go of it, aren’t you? I’m really sorry. Sounds like you made a good decision about prioritizing.

      I think as we get older health is kind of like a mobile (hanging art thing, not phone); once one thing gets out of balance, other stuff starts to wobble, so getting everything back in proper counterpoise can be a challenge. Since you’re part of that mobile, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing what you can to stay in balance in a difficult time. Hope things improve soon.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Many, many good vibes, Jean.

      Just wondering if your counselor was open to the idea of short phone sessions. Sometimes just talking about Immediate Event is what is really necessary. When the spouse is not well, day-by-day stuff is a challenge. Any thing over the longer term, such as old upsets or future planning goes by the wayside because just dealing with Today is enough right there. I call this survival mode where I work to get through the day or get through the week, there is no next week or next month. I am too busy in current time.

      It’s okay to go into survival mode and sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. You will not do survival mode for the rest of your live, the oceans will calm and you will find new pacing. It seems like forever, I know that too.

      Thinking of you and yours….

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you my warmest thought and a prayer if welcome. It is very hard when you are already dealing with a lot, but maintaining a somewhat even keel, to have one more thing added. Giving you support and hoping you are able to gain some peaceful moments to let yourself adjust as needed.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you all so very much! Services (and attendant socializing) helped and my counselor offered a workable time slot. I will keep on keeping on without feeling like the roof has blown off.

    9. Wandering*

      Good vibes:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      And congrats on the self care.
      Keep us posted.

  20. hazel*

    I’m starting a new, professional chapter in my life and have started to do some wardrobe upgrading. My fiance thinks that I should buy “staples” i.e. high quality, boring items in subdued colors. I, however, am really enjoying this whole fashion thing. Of course I mostly want to be known for being a great worker, smart, and reliable. But I’ve also always really loved beautiful clothing and now that I will have more disposable income, I want my closet to reflect that. Advice for a 20-something who daydreams about tulle skirts and hermes scarves?

    1. LDN Layabout*

      Your fiance’s advice and hermes scarves are very compatible (maybe not the tulle skirts).

      Part of the fun of a ‘staples’ wardrobe is the accessorising of them and how you can switch up a look, one outfit can go from work to out after work to weekend. It also depends if your work/home wardrobe overlap (I’m business casual and lazy, so mine does).

      What do you consider beautiful re: clothes? I personally prefer classic lines and good quality material, both of which tend to be expensive. Same in terms of sustainability and avoiding fast fashion.

      1. hazel*

        Thank you for this perspective. Accessorizing hadn’t really occurred to me. To me, beautiful things are intricate, whimsical, and colorful (like an hermes scarf). Perhaps I should focus more on the little details like that.

        1. LDN Layabout*

          I personally think if you need a more professional wardrobe, the smaller the item, like an accessory, the easier it is to get away with being whimsical and colourful.

          Not that professional things are inherently unprofessional but sometimes they can read young/immature, which is bullshit, but also the world we live in.

        2. Observer*

          Having some good basics gives you a lot more options. And, to be honest, high quality stuff tends to look better even when it’s not so exciting and tends to make a better setting than the more exciting clothing.

          Your Hermes scarf, for instance, is going to look a lot better on a nicely fitting plain top than on a paisley shirt.

          The point of a good set of basics is not to dress in a boring fashion, but to have a good set of stuff that looks good, albeit not gorgeous, on its own so that if some experiment does wrong or you don’t have to time fuss with “what should I wear”, you’ll have something good. And to be able to switch up your look without having to change everything at once.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Also look middle ground–beautiful flamboyant items that just don’t have that designer name. For example, NYC’s Metropolitan Museum of Art had (had? I moved a long time ago) a shop within NYC Macy’s, with a stunning selection of art-themed scarves, ties, and jewelry. High quality materials and not inexpensive — but not the designer-tag markup. (And bonus, a discount for museum members.)

    2. Anon attorney*

      Split the difference and buy a really good quality plain neutral suit (black/gray) and lots of fun funky colored tops, patterned hose and accessories?

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      Mix both, and get to know a tailor.

      Have a few staples in your personal style, then get 1 – 2 high quality, high fashion items. When the next year comes around, look at your past purchases and see what can be adapted to the new styles with help from a tailor.

      For example, I love wide-legged pants, and 3/4 length A-line skirts, which work well with my height (5′ 10″). They are the basis for my personal style, and I have several good quality ones in neutral tones. Then for tops, I vary classic and trendy. And when Giant Bows! goes out of style, I ask my tailor if it can be trimmed down and reconfigured as a simple drape, or a cowl.

      Remember that you probably only need 6 – 7 outfits, unless you’re in a fashion conscious industry, and that the most important thing is applying fashion trends to your personal style, rather than just chasing everything and ending up with an incoherent look.

    4. Book Pony*

      If you haven’t, I recommend looking at eshakti for work outfit options. They’re both cute and have pockets; I bought a constellation jumpsuit from them and wear it pretty often to work when it’s not cold out. I find it works as a really cute outfit while still being professional. They’re also not too expensive, so you look fashionable without breaking the bank.

      I actually don’t own too many professional outfits, and a coworker gave me some of her castoffs (most of which I had to give back because the lack of room in the chest region), but my go to is a pair of black pants with an elastic band, and a cute blouse.

      I will say that you should probably not go too “loud” to start out with. Like, the first week, wear a standard “tan/grey/black” outfit and see what others wear. You don’t want to be known as the person that wears the outrageous outfits.

      Also, hello fellow 20-something!

    5. PX*

      Make yourself happy. Sorry but when it comes to stuff like this, I say make yourself happy, buy things that you will wear, and then integrate them into your work life.

      My personal approach is to kind of mix and match: if the colour is subdued, there should be something interesting about the item that makes it a bit unique (cut, fit, fabric etc). If the colour or print is a bit wilder, the cut and shape are extremely classic.

      It works for me, but honestly, unless your industry is super conservative, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being the great smart reliable coworker who also has kickass fashion taste and looks amazing all day every day.

      1. Observer*

        Having great taste and making yourself happy with your clothes is not at odds with starting off by getting some good quality staples. They make it much easier to experiment around with stuff, because the staked are much lower.

    6. Filosofickle*

      I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that a neutral capsule is the way to go — practical! versatile! easy to get dressed! — but that wardrobe just makes me sad. And who wants to start the day feeling sad? Give me bold prints and saturated colors and statement accessories! I feel so boring when I wear neutrals, except when it’s a chic black look. (I did go to art school lol.) So, I end up with a too-big wardrobe that’s hell to travel in because little of it mixes/matches, but it makes me feel good and that’s worth it. (I’d like to become more comfortable rewearing pieces more often so I can buy fewer, awesome items, but I’m not there yet.)

      In my younger years when I had less money, I focused on accessories like your scarves to punch up basics so I had a bit of practicality and fun. I wore mostly neutral bottoms and put my colors/patterns into tops. Another compromise is focusing on elevated basics — those that have really good fit and finish (fabrics, cut, drape) or distinctive details (a fun lining, interesting buttons, asymmetry of cut). You can have fashion without going all the way to tulle skirts.

      That said, if your industry doesn’t mind, I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with a tulle skirt, done well! If you love fashion, I say go for it.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      My budget lagged my job / role for quite a while. A couple points. Spend the expensive money on the well tailored basics, really. The more high fashion it is, the more temporary it is. I found wonderful colorful accessories at high end consignment/ thrift stores (think Pacific heights, if you know SF). Example: I bought and had tailored for me, a good used wood jersey $1000 gray boucle designer sheath and coat combo (for $100). I’ve worn it 10 years. In that time, I’ve cycled through about 4 different scarf/belt, tight/ leather boot / Italian heel combos with it, and worn it from everything to work, to presentations at the C level, to funerals. It is just something I adore.
      I have a pair of pants I spent a small fortune on, but they look wonderful on me. They are a beigey tan. I have worn them with an arty, wonderful geometric jacket (eBay), very vibrant tunic top, and more – 5 years and still working them into the rotation.
      But I did not have the money to buy retail, and I did have to budget carefully. Now, I have two goals I’m saving for (retirement and a hopeful little house to live in).
      Still, I’m known as the most stylish dresser of all I work with (but I am in IT-related). I sew, I love fabrics, and I realized I was trying to show my personality. I can do that through wonderful tailoring and beautiful fabrics, with great accessories.
      I did find that when I was looking back at pictures when I was younger (pre-marriage, I had a love of very bright florals and colors), I rarely kept even the most expensive outfit/ piece for more than a few years because they went out of fashion so quick. (Hello, 80s shoulder pad suits!). I was for a short period of time a fit model for a local designer here, and he allowed me to buy the sample garments post-season for basically their construction cost. Beautiful, but so trendy that… I just couldn’t keep them for long enough to amortize them. (LOL).
      So just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, is all I’m saying. Maybe try adding one outfit at a time, and blend in a bit of both while you think about it.

    8. cleo*

      Different people have different definitions of staples and neutrals that fit their personalities. And that’s a good thing. You get to define your own basic work uniform.

      My staples include neutral colored slacks (black, gray and brown) with cardigans and jackets in solid colors. I dress them up or down with chunky jewelry and patterned scarves.

      My best friend has the same sort of staples that I do but in a totally different palette – and her definition of neutral includes animal prints and vivid colors, as well as grey and black. One time we did a video chat and started laughing because we were wearing the exact same outfit (cotton cardigan over a t-shirt) in totally different color schemes – gray over black in my case and fuchsia over pink in hers).

      I wouldn’t buy a leopard print cardigan as a wardrobe staple but my friend has one that she wears all the time and she looks great, and professional, in it.

      Note that we’re both educators and creatives. There are probably fields where cardigans wouldn’t fly, let alone animal print ones. But I think the principle of defining your own basics can work for any field.

    9. Auntie Social*

      Accessories, for sure— I got a lot of compliments on a black cashmere sweater, black slacks (both on sale) the other day with leopard print heels, belt, and bag (also sale) and a few gold accessories. Also, break up suits—don’t wear a full on Chanel suit, just wear one good thing like the jacket, and the rest classics. Wear the skirt with a cardy, white blouse and a scarf. You know, effortless chic. I go on Pinterest a lot for ideas, if that helps, and I shop Ebay and other sources.

      1. KMK*

        ebay can be great for clothes. I’ve picked up some designer stuff for seriously cheap.

        I’m another one who uses accessories to express my style while wearing simple basics. I have a lot of black, white, and gray clothing. I also have three piercings in one ear and just one in the other, so I wear mismatched earrings a lot–they’re a ton of fun. I also have a huge variety of scarves.

        I wear reading glasses and Etsy had a ton of different eyeglass chains too. Mine has skulls on it.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I’d say, focus on building “capsules” that you can mix up and play with, without just collecting random one-offs. You can get a staple like a suit, and then break it up and mix it with fun stuff.

      Also, consider color, texture, cut and pattern. You can get a neutral/versatile piece like a jacket in a classic color but with a cool cut that makes it stand out. Whereas with a bold color, you might choose a simple shape. And so forth.

      It’s all about balance and versatility. If you’re going to invest in long term pieces or statement pieces, you don’t want something you’ll be tired of or that will look dated in 2 years.

    11. ValaMalDoran*

      I hear you on enjoying fashion. I love fashion, and using it to express who I am. I also really appreciate the power of fashion to make me feel confident and tough when I need it.

      Staples are a good idea, but not in subdued colors, if you will not wear them. Get staples that will mix in to how you want to dress, in colors/fits/lengths you love. (i.e. staples for your wardrobe.) Personally, I find good layering pieces, in colors that go with my wardrobe quite useful. “Staples” don’t have to be boring.

      If you’re anything like me, if you don’t love or at least like pieces, you won’t wear them. I went through a phase where I bought a lot of beige, because beige goes with everything! And I never wore a single piece of it, because I’m not a beige person. And I’m now in the process of getting rid of all of it.

      Are you opposed to thrifting? I’ve found some of my absolute favorite pieces that way.

      Also, are you a jewelry person? If so, that is another layer of expression you can add.

      Go with what you love! (And you can save the tulle skirts for your life outside work.) Good luck!

  21. Mystery book recommendations*

    Anyone have any mystery book recommendations? I tend to like light, easy contemporary reads. I’ve read and like MC Beaton, Alexander McCall Smith, the Virgil Flower series from John Sanford. I don’t mind if there’s a romantic component but not a fan of it being a big part of the plot. Not into fantasy/ science fiction mysteries. Thanks.

    1. Rebecca*

      I like the Virgil Flowers series too, reading Bloody Genius currently. Have you tried Michael Connelly, the Harry Bosch series? I would recommend reading them in order if you start.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Have you read any of David Handler’s “Berger & Mistry” books? They’re not quite at “cozy” level of lightness, but are fairly light and easy, and I adore the banter between the two main characters – a Jewish film critic who’s moved to the Connecticut shore, and the Only Woman-of-color Cop In Town – together, they solve crimes! And flirt a lot. (The series does fall into “Murder She Wrote” territory after a while; how many multiple murders can one town support? But I find it enjoyable anyway, from the seacoast-town-in-winter scenes to the movie-buff chat to the relationship between the main characters.)

      I’m also very fond of Colin Cotterill’s “Dr. Siri” series, though it isn’t quite contemporary – it’s set in Laos in the ’70s, and has some strong political subplots. (I generally avoid books with political subplots, but these are so delightful to read that I find myself appreciating the history lessons while delighting in the banter, wry humor, and gutsy working-around-the-politics bits.)

      1. MargaretG*

        I would try the Maise Dobbs series, by Jacqueline Winspear. It centers around Maisie Dobbs, and the eras between the two world wars, herself being a WWI vet, having served on the front lines as a nurse in an aid station. The series is very, very good.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Yes! They’re good, but easy/light reads.

          I love the Gamache mysteries as well but they’re a good bit darker and heavier. Better writing, though.

    3. retirement is all it's cracked up to be*

      Have you tried Tony Hillerman? The Joe Leaphorn ones especially. Craig Johnson’s Walt Longmire ones are good reads, too (haven’t watched the show because I almost always like the books better anyway–Bosch may be the exception to that rule of mine). Stephen Booth’s Cooper and Fry series are set in the Peak District of England and I like the atmosphere that goes along with the story telling.
      Those may not be light enough for your tastes…but they do get you into a world without much blood and guts and psychological drama–I strongly dislike books that spend a lot of time getting you into the head of a murder. Not a place I want to be.

    4. CoffeeFriend*

      I like MC Beaton & McCall Smith so you might enjoy my mystery reccomendations:
      – Anthony Horowitz has two mystery novels which are super
      – Kate Atkinson‘s series about a detective
      – alan Bradley series about a child chemist detective
      – deborah crombie
      – sophie hannah
      – JK rowling as her alter ego
      – oscar de muriel

      1. carrie heffernan*

        I blew through that series like gang busters – it started with #1 being free on kindle unlimited and then I read 1-2/week thanks to my library card. Now I’m all caught up!

    6. Natalie*

      One I haven’t seen mentioned yet – Laura Lippmann writes contemporary mysteries mainly set in and around Baltimore. She has a series starring one main detective character, and a bunch of one-offs with different characters.

    7. Forrest Rhodes*

      Look for Dana Stabenow. Her Kate Shugak series and Liam Campbell series are both great. Each series will make a little more sense if read in order, but it’s not required.
      Also, Judith van Gieson has a four or five book series about a female Albuquerque attorney; they’re a little more urban than Tony Hillerman’s Jim Chee/Joe Leaphorn books and are really good reads—especially if you’ve lived in Abq or vicinity.

    8. Jen in Oregon*

      I love the Lady Julia Grey series, and also the Veronica Speedwell series, both by Deanna Raybourn. Both are set in the Victorian era but they feel like contemporary (though not anachronistic) reads due to the fact that the heroines are intelligent and the writing is superb.

    9. Betty*

      The Mary Russell series by Laurie R. King is amazing. It gets a bit up and down as it goes on, but the first half down books are incredible.

    10. Jedi Squirrel*

      Years ago, I was very into the Lovejoy mysteries, by Jonathan Gash. East Anglia, antiques, murder, a smidgeon of romance/sex. They were the only mysteries I could ever get into.

    11. Nancy*

      I recently read The Stranger Diaries by Elly Griffiths, set near Brighton in England. I really enjoyed the gothic touches! I also really like PD James, who wrote crime novels often set in very desolate or old-fashioned places. I really like her portrayal of London, as well.

    12. Greywacke Jones*

      I second Dana Stabenow and Laurie King. Laurie King also has the Kate Martinelli series, set in San Francisco, as well as some excellent stand alone books- I liked Folly and Keeping Watch. Also good is the first 12 or so of the Robert Tanenbaum series set in NYC (after that his ghostwriter quit and they get terrible).

    13. HQB*

      These are technically YA books, but otherwise fit your brief, and I loved both of them: The Westing Game (Ellen Raskin) and The London Eye Mystery (Siobhan Dowd).

    15. Policy wonk*

      I love many of those zlready mentioned. If you need a laugh, look at the Miss Fortune series by Jana Deleon. Good mysteries, but also a fun read.

    16. foxinabox*

      Have you read Amy Stewart’s Constance Kopp novels? They’re based on the real life of the first American woman police officer–it means the plots are a little less pat, twisty, and/or pressured than in a lot of mystery novels but the writing is SO good and they are SO satisfying, and Constance and her sisters are incredible characters.

    17. Stormy Weather*

      You might like the Peter Decker/Rina Lazarus series by Faye Kellerman. I find them a little lighter than her husband Jonathan’s books.

  22. many bells down*

    Anyone in the Seattle area have a recommendation for a primary care doctor who is familiar with transgender issues? My brother is coming to live with me in a month or so and I’d like to help him find care.

    1. Erin*

      UW Medicine has a well-established transgender/GNC/NB care department; if they don’t do primary care themselves they may have solid recommendations? Link in next comment.

      1. many bells down*

        That’s what I’m looking at I think. It’s easily accessible by bus from where I am, my cardiologist is there (and I LOVE her), and they’re just generally really good all around. Plus he’s considering postgrad at UW so he might end up in that area anyway.

      2. Detective Right-All-The-Time*

        I will second UW Medicine – my ex partner has a wonderful endocrinologist there. She originally started working with them on an unrelated issue, began HRT and transitioned with them. I don’t know who she sees for a PCP, but I can vouch that UW Medicine in general is really good with trans care.

    4. A Noni Mouse*

      This is technically a little outside of Seattle, but maybe check out a group like Tacoma Tmen. If you contact them, they may have suggestions that cover the Seattle area as well. That might help get input from individuals who have had first-hand experience with providers in the area.

  23. All Hail Queen Sally*

    Has anyone here ever had Shingles? (The grown up version of chicken pox.)
    I was diagnosed earlier this week, and yikes, is it painful! The spot is on my forehead, but the entire right side of my face is sore–it feels like I have been punched. I understand there is now a vaccine, recommended for people once they reach 60, but my Dr never recommended it to me–I am 62. The Dr I saw for this (different Dr) says this could last weeks–or months and there is a risk of permanent nerve damage. Aren’t I the lucky one! It just came out of nowhere. If any of you can recommend coping techniques, I am all ears. Thank you!

    1. Lives in a Shoe*

      I went through my first bout of shingles in my twenties (weird but it happens). I used aloe vera to help reduce potential scarring and topical lidocaine for the pain. It can be very painful and unsightly but it will go away – although you may have some residual tenderness for months or even years after the actual blisters fade. That’s probably not what you want to hear, but it helps to be prepared.

      1. Misty*

        I had shingles twice in my low 20s also. It was really painful and I couldn’t walk because it took over my left leg.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’ve had shingles twice– didn’t catch it early enough the first time and it reappeared, which is rare but not unheard of. Mine was on my back. The second round of antivirals fixed it, no nerve damage.

      I took Benadryl and slept when it got really bad. I also used prescription strength hydrocortisone. A friend got them on her head and face– under her hair at first so it took a long time to diagnose– and yes, it was agony for her. But it did go away.

      You didn’t say, but I assume your doc put you on Valtrex? Or something similar?

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        My Dr put me on Valacyclovir, somthing I have never heard of. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it until 48 hours after it popped up, so it may not work at all.

    3. Asenath*

      Shingles is surprisingly common, as I found out when I got it and so many friends and acquaintances chimed in with their stories! There’s not much you can do once it’s started other than take painkillers – if you get to a doctor early enough you can get antivirals which shorten the illness, but it sounds like it’s too late for that to help you. I got the antivirals and prescription pain pills because I got to see my doctor really fast after I called the office and said “I got this weird rash that’s spreading and it hurts”. It’s common enough I think the receptionist had me diagnosed by the time she told me I should come in the same day. Most people don’t get the really nasty long-term pain or other complications. I was miserable for a few days and not quite myself for a bit longer, but improved fairly fast. My rash started on my back and progressed down one arm. The only coping things I did was stay home, take my pills and fluids, and huddle in my recliner swathed in blankets, dozing and waking until I eventually felt better.

      There are two vaccines I know of – I got the older one a year after I had shingles, although my then-doctor didn’t think it was really necessary since having shingles increases your antibody levels. But the levels do eventually decline again. One of the first things my current doctor said during our first meeting was that I should get the newer vaccine, Shingrix, which I did. Shingles is not only common, it can recur, and the newer vaccine is said to be very effective protection. It is also the only vaccine I have ever had that made my arm really sore and made me feel a bit feverish for a few hours, and I’ve had a lot of vaccinations. But I just remembered what it was like having shingles, and decided it was worth putting up with the minor side effects of the vaccine.

      1. fposte*

        I had both shingles vaccines too. (FWIW, my insurance covered it for people over 50, so I didn’t need to wait until 60.) Both times (you get two shots for Shingrix) the Shingrix laid me low from about hour 8 to hour 24; full on going-to-bed-with-flu symptoms. Fortunately I was able to time the vaccinations so that I could just do that, and it’s a fair trade to me too, but I agree that it hit me the way no other vaccinations have (and I’ve had rabies post-exposure prophylaxis!).

        1. Millicent*

          Yep, my significant other has an incredible immune system and never gets sick, but both times they got the Shingrix vaccine, it knocked them out for two-three days. That being said, the vaccine is still worth getting – it’s much more effective than the older vaccine.

    4. Been There*

      Shingles is rough. I’m sorry you’re going through this! Honestly, the thing that helped me most was getting whatever sleep I could, any time I could. Middle of the night when there were no distractions was the worst for me for pain, and I got used to sleeping in roughly two-hour segments for a few weeks while the worst of it lasted. If you feel like taking a nap during the day, take the nap! Don’t push yourself through on the assumption that you’ll be able to sleep at night.

      Most people don’t get permanent nerve damage (I did, but it’s very minor!), so try not to stress too much about that. Try not to stress at all, actually – that can exacerbate the symptoms.

      If you’re working, take as much time off as possible. One of my biggest regrets about having shingles is forcing myself to work through the whole thing. (I didn’t have sick days at the time.) I’m pretty sure that’s part of why mine lasted as long as it did.

      It’s not a constant misery the whole way through – some days will be better than others. Nerve pain can be unpredictable. If your doctor hasn’t prescribed any pain medication, it’s not unreasonable to ask them to prescribe you some.

      I also found that while cold compresses didn’t help, exactly, I could kind of trick my brain into thinking they did. The placebo effect is definitely real. Distraction is really the most effective treatment I found. I read a lot of books while I had shingles.

      Good luck! It’s tedious, but it won’t last forever. And get the vaccine once you’ve recovered, so you won’t have to go through this again :)

    5. Wishing You Well*

      If the shingles rash gets anywhere near your eyes, you’ll need to see an eye doctor. My friend had to go in twice to the eye doctor when shingles was on her face. (She was fine, but there was a real risk to her eyes.)
      Best of Luck

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        Seconding the recommendation to see an eye doctor (ideally an ophthalmologist), if you haven’t! Early detection and treatment is key.

      3. All Hail Queen Sally*

        Yep, just within the last couple of hours, it has popped up right next to my right eye. It started as a spot the size of a nickle on my forehead next to my hairline. The Dr told me it would get worse before it got better.

        1. Joie de Vivre*

          Get to a doctor now. My shingles got in my eye, and I’ve ended up with some scarring that slightly affects my vision.

        2. Lost in the Woods*

          Just want to emphasize getting in to see an ophthalmologist ASAP. If you can’t get in through an urgent care or your local office doesn’t have someone on call, then at the least by tomorrow morning.

    6. OyHiOh*

      First case when I was 40. Mine was relatively mild – affected one nerve running from my back to front rib cage. I had much more pain than itch so anti inflammatory meds helped some. You may be tempted to think it’s just a rash and try to maintain a normal schedule but for the first couple weeks, you are *sick* and need to rest, reduce your schedule, and generally treat yourself like you have a significant illness. Since you have some on your head and face, you may find that dim, quiet rooms feel better, and that cool temps feel better than whatever is your normal heat/cool setting.

      (I didn’t get diagnosed until I was out of the effective window for meds so I had to just deal with it for about eight weeks.)

      Just as a general FYI to everyone following along, the younger a person is when they have a first attack of shingles, the greater their risk of developing vascular complications (strokes, heart attacks, etc) so if you develop symptoms that *could* be shingles, get to a doctor for diagnosis and meds sooner rather than later. The meds are effective when prescribed in the first few days and reduce your long term risks considerably!

    7. Buttons*

      I have not had them, but my friends and family who have had Shingles tell me it is incredibly painful. My friend had it along her thigh up to her ribs on her side, and she said the burning feeling lasted for 6 months after the rash was gone.
      A coworker’s dad got shingles and it settled in his groin region and burst his bladder.
      Everyone over 50 needs to get the vaccination.
      I hope you feel better soon!

    8. Windchime*

      My sister just got over a bout of shingles and it was really, really painful. She had it in her scalp, behind her ear, and on the side of her face. She caught it early and they gave her some kind of medication for it, but it was still super painful. It lasted about 3 weeks and she actually ended also becoming nauseated and had to go to the hospital for fluids. I’m going to ask for the shot when I go to the doc next week.

    9. tangerineRose*

      Sorry your doctor didn’t recommend the vaccine – in the Pacific Northwest of the US, it seems to be recommended around age 50.

    10. Joie de Vivre*

      Everyone has given you good advice.
      I’ve got 2 more suggestions.
      I’ve had shingles, and I had some really hard knots in my nerves. If you have hard knots in your nerves using an ice pack will help. Have some kind of cloth between the ice pack and your skin & hold the ice pack on the knot for about 5 minutes at a time.

      If your shingles itch badly & you are scratching the blisters in your sleep, put socks on your hands at night. I ripped a blister & scabs off in my sleep before I started sleeping with socks on my hands.

    11. Goldfinch*

      I’ve had it, and my PCP was so lackadaisical about referring me to a dermatologist that I missed the window of efficacy for the antivirals. The dermatologist scolded me for not pushing for an emergency appointment, as if I had any clue what was going on.

      Anywho, the shooting nerve pain was really aggravated by warm baths and showers. I had to use uncomfortably cool water to get any relief, when normally I prefer to be like Bugs Bunny in the stewpot.

      The right side of my neck was where the rash bloomed, and over a year later I still have some scarring that looks like PIE/PIH. Vitamin C and Alpha Arbutin are slowly fading the marks, but it takes time. HTH.

      1. OyHiOh*

        My scaring looks like a cat stepped in mimeograph ink and left charming paw prints from my spine to . . . . well, let’s just says bras were *really* uncomfortable for about two months! The worst lesion landed right where the side seem on bras usually is. That was . . . . . . . fun. And that spot hurts about three days before my period is due to start, like clockwork, a year later. Yay, nerves!

    12. Sleve McDichael*

      So this is too late to help all of you, (and me) but if you or anybody you know gets shingles again, start the pain meds really soon and go as high dose as you can BEFORE the pain sets in. My husband’s doctor told him that once the pain starts the nerves ‘get used to’ being in pain and it won’t go away, but if you can prevent it starting then you’ll be ok. He had shingles all over his right side and up his back but they went away in a week and barely stung because he got on to the antivirals and pain meds FAST.
      If you’re too late for that (like I was) L-Lysine helps.

    13. Salymander*

      I had shingles a few years ago and it was really uncomfortable. One spot was in my armpit, so I spent a lot of time with my arm propped up on a pillow. I wore PJs and camisoles and a flimsy little robe, all stuff that weighed nothing and was several sizes too big. Any fabric touching the lesions felt like I was being scrubbed with sandpaper made of lightning. I had shingles in summer, and I remember that being warm or at all sweaty was pure torture so stay cool. Hope you feel better soon!!!

    14. Might be Spam*

      Gabapenten may help with the nerve pain. It is an anti-seizure medication that works on nerve pain.
      It took a while to get over some side effects (stomach pain) but once I got used to it, the side effects diminished. An upset stomach was a small price to pay to get effective pain relief.
      Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.

    15. Fikly*

      FYI, if no one has told you, it is very important that you stay away from pregnant people – it can harm the fetus.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        To be clear and specific, stay away from pregnant people who have not already had chicken pox until any blisters dry up and crust over.

        It used to be we’d prescribe gabapentin, which is used for diabetic nerve pain, but it turns out it doesn’t seem to do much for the nerve pain from shingles.

        I agree with seeing an ophthalmologist right away, like call your urgent care or on call doc and see if they can see you today or if not, get seen tomorrow.

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There was such a shortage of the new Shingrix vaccine that many docs weren’t recommending it for a while because they couldn’t get it.

    16. Wandering*

      If you’re up for trying homeopathy, I was part of a conversation with an RN who has a masters in nutrition on this topic yesterday. She recommended hypericum for nerve pain, or T-Relief (formerly traumeel) which is a blend that includes hypericum if that seems right for you. Usual homeopathic practices apply.

      She also recommended keeping pain relievers at the bedside for easy consumption so that that pain stays managed.

      Good vibes for you, too: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      1. Stick a pin in me*

        I got shingles in my early 40s due to stress. It was discovered by my acupuncturist – I had a minor rash and a weird but not intense pain. I mentioned it, she took a look and was like “that’s shingles!” She treated me for it and sent me to my GP in the same practice who got me on the traditional meds as well. I got acupuncture every other day for a week to help support my immune system. My shingles went away quickly and I never had the intense pain others describe. My acupuncturist made it clear to me that she couldn’t cure my shingles but she could help my body fight it off. She also was able to ease some of the symptoms. I know this info doesn’t help you much now, but might help others if they catch it early and have a good acupuncturist. Good luck.

    17. Mari*

      A friend had a very bad case of shingles, and what helped her the most was acupuncture. She started it after she had had it for awhile, so no open sores were left by that time.

  25. Disco Janet*

    I was soooo excited this week about the My Chemical Romance tour – my city is the first stop! Was all ready to go, in the online waiting room like 20 minutes prior to tickets going on sale, it refreshed as soon as the sale began…and I had 13000 people in front of me. By the time I got to the front of the line, the tickets left were all $500+ per ticket for decent seats and $150 for absolute nosebleeds at the back of a huge arena. I’m skipping it – can’t justify spending that much on nosebleeds., and the more expensive ones aren’t in our budget. My inner teenage pop-punk-emo kid is disappointed.

    1. Selmarie*

      Checking the resale market closer to the date of the concert might get you some reasonable tickets. Worth a look, anyway.

    2. Nessun*

      Dont lose hope! Sometimes great seats come up right before the concert when they release seats they were holding for contests or VIPs. I once got seats 8 rows from the stage for Queen, at $85, the night before the concert – that was 3 years ago, but I doubt process has changed too much.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The process of buying tickets to popular concerts is so, so aggravating. For some reason, I thought legislation had been passed years ago that was supposed to change this, but it’s worse than ever.

      1. fposte*

        The BOTS Act to prohibit bots from buying up all the tickets online was passed in 2016 but apparently hasn’t resulted in enforcement, so the bots are still hard at work.

    4. Mayor Bee*

      The same thing happened to me :(

      I looked at tickets for St Paul, Vegas, and Denver and all sold out or $700 within minutes. I’m a little crushed ngl

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Pro-tip – is there an online fan place, such as Facebook thing or a forum? I’m part of a rapid fan culture as well for a particular band and in the past have scored great tickets, at face value, for some high-demand shows. Fans for fans sort of a thing – people’s plans change, they get ill, have to work or whatever and they want the tickets to go to a fan for the right price, not some reseller thing.

      1. Disco Janet*

        Problem is, the at face value prices are still INSANE. Like, I know this is a high demand show…but honestly, I’m disappointed in the band for making the prices so ridiculous. Of course they deserve a good profit, but…$700 a ticket for any seat near the stage is insanity and they have to know they’re pricing out a large chunk of their fans. Though it is already sold out.

      2. Vaguebook*

        Do you have any tips for telling which sales are real and which are scams? I tried to get some AFI tickets a day or so before their concert last year and ran into a lot of word for word posts from obvious bots in a fan Facebook page. I just ended up not going. Another band I like is coming to town (not MCR, although I did start listening to them recently) and ticket sales are getting out of my budget.

    6. Granger Chase*

      Yes!! I was so excited they were not only doing a reunion tour, but starting it here was going to be amazing! And then of course within a half hour it’s all resale tickets and you know the nosebleed seats at LCA could actually give you a nosebleed, so it just wasn’t worth it. My inner pop punk emo kid is sad along with ya ):

  26. LDN Layabout*

    The national body for the sport I watch/follow the most is doing focus groups because…well, they’re awful. Like pretty much every national sports body is to be fair. As in, they got hauled up in front of a parlimentary committee, awful.

    So next week I get to be paid to explain to them exactly why I hope the entire lot of them running the business side get punted off a bridge.

  27. Rebecca*

    Ah, so less interesting week, thankfully. I am so proud to report my federal, state, and local tax returns have been filed. I’m getting a whole $50 return from the IRS, so that’s going toward a new phone, as mine is over 2.5 years old now. I feel like a responsible adult for the first time in a very long time. No drama, took me less than an hour to do it all, and it’s done.

    My poor cat Herman had an ear polyp, his ear got infected, so Monday afternoon he had it removed. That night he staggered around, his tongue stuck out, and I just sat in my room and held him for the longest time – poor little guy. Now 10 days of antibiotic capsules, and no, he is not happy about any of that. But he complies, his ear looks great, and hopefully it wasn’t malignant. I didn’t have it checked, because I can’t afford chemotherapy for him, so I’m just going to make sure he’s happy and comfortable.

    Heading over to my cousin’s house shortly, they have a set of stereo speakers they’re not using, and one of my 49 year old Fisher speakers bit the dust (I have the warranty card but it’s long expired :) :) :) ) so I’m going to hook up the hand me downs to see what I can do. I really, really need to clean out a 3 drawer stand. It’s crammed with “stuff”, paperwork, odds and ends, and it’s bothering me, so I made a deal with myself: hook up the speakers, get out The Wall, and while listening to said album, clean the danged stand out!! Ugh, I don’t know why I can’t seem to do these things.

    So funny Mom story – that shows the common sense train didn’t make a complete stop at her station. She was fussing about wanting a beef bone so she could make stock to make soup. Why she wanted to go to all this trouble, I have no idea, but one of my friends lives near a butcher and got a nice bone for me. So, Mom put it in the slow cooker for 24 hours with vegetables, etc. OK, so far so good. I got home from work, 8 hours into this process, and she asked me to get a hammer. I asked what we needed a hammer for (to determine which type to grab), and she started on a long tangent about the soup stock, finally saying “I need to split that beef bone”. I just looked at her – and asked, so…with all seriousness…exactly how do you suggest splitting that big heavy bone with a hammer? She had no idea. “I thought you could take it out and hit it”. I was flabbergasted, and glad there weren’t any hammers in the house. I had to explain to her that (1) this is a boiling hot thing, (2) I had nothing to hold it with, and (3), even if I did, I doubted hitting it with a hammer would split it, as it’s one of the thickest bones in a cow’s body. Maybe with a chisel too? I asked if we had a meat saw, she wasn’t sure. I just said that I thought it was very unsafe to try this, and I pictured burns and/or stitches in my future…and told her that I was sure it would be fine the way it is.

    And she wasn’t happy with the stock in the end, because it had a slim layer of fat on the top when she refrigerated it. Sighs. So it’s in the deep freeze, in small containers, probably never to see the light of day again. She made chicken noodle soup, and complained I bought regular chicken bullion instead of low sodium (she does not have any health issues restricting sodium). Did she specify low sodium? No. Ugh.

    I did show Mom how to use the thaw cycle on the microwave, after she tried to “thaw” meat with the reheat feature at 100% power and turned more than one thing into a hockey puck.

    I hope everyone is well – and avoiding the flu, respiratory miseries, norovirus, or whatever is floating around. After over 2 weeks I can finally breathe better, I’m not coughing any longer, but I still feel like I’m dragging, but every day gets better.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      The Wall is one of my favorite albums. Whenever anyone asks “Beatles or Stones?” I always answer “Pink Floyd.” :) #worldsgreatestband

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Glad to hear from you and that it was a “less interesting” week!
      Sorry about all that fuss with the beef bone. Food trivia: beef marrow is very tasty in soups, but it’s best to have the butcher saw the bone. Not that this really helps the situation…
      I hope February is a good month for you.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug. And yes, stock I make from carcass/ bones/ bits always has a layer fat… I just skim the solid layer off when it is cold enough in frig to congeal, then use the remaining stock. LOL. But… you can sneak the stock out of the freezer, and use it for lots of good stuff yourself, any time. She won’t miss it, I’ll bet.

      Hope you are keeping warm and dry. And looking around at my office (need to continue working on the filing to get to the donation receipts)…I am in awe that you got the taxes done.

  28. dinoweeds*

    My Dad died 12/19/19 and I commented here a couple days afterwards while I was drowning in grief and I just want to thank you all for your kind words. Now that more time has passed and his service is over I can’t help but feel “stuck.” My life is divided into everything before he died and everything now. I feel like I should wear a sign that says “My Dad just died – please be understanding.” I don’t know. It’s just that every day rises and I don’t feel ready for it. I wish dearly that I could just pause time for awhile and be still, but I can’t. I have a business to run and a life to live and my Dad would want me to be positive and keep truckin’ so that’s what I’m doing – but damn it is hard.

    1. fposte*

      Honey. It’s just over a month. You’re not “stuck.” You’re grieving one of the greatest losses of your life. There’s a reason why the Victorians had outward symbols of mourning for up to a year after the death, and tbh I think even just the black-armband custom could still be useful for the very reason you say–it’s the biggest thing in your head and it’s just surreal that people you interact with have no idea.

      I’ve known people who really appreciated grief groups, which can be a good place to be heard. But mostly I’d say be patient with yourself. It’s okay not to bounce back but to be underwater for a while.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Oh my goodness! Please please give yourself time. Of course you feel “stuck” now, but you won’t always.

      One thing I’ve noticed in myself when a loved one dies, is that at first almost all of my memories are dominated by their last illness or last few years. Over time, it seems like my perspective broadens backward, and they become just as real to me 30 years ago as they were in their last months. And, as that happens, my perspective broadens forward, too. I can start to get a sense of my own life, going forward, “without” them but also “with” them.

      You will carry your father in your heart for the rest of your own life, and he will share your special moments with you. I hope for this for you, and I believe it for you.

    3. Invisible Fish*

      Make the sign. Wear it. You deserve kindness and support. (I know you probably won’t make the sign literally- but reach out to everyone in your support network and take care of yourself.)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You’re not stuck. You’re grieving. It will be a while- a year, two years, who knows. My dad’s been gone 25 years. I still get a pang in my heart. That’s my grief nowadays.

      Life goes on, in some ways that is annoying as heck and in some ways it’s reassuring. Grief is also like this- two opposite emotions at the same time. It’s okay to allow each emotion to exist as being valid.

      And that is true too, life takes on the Before Dad Died and After Dad Died chapter titles. It’s okay to do this because huge moments in life signal the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next chapter. This is a huge moment. You are re-weaving what you life looks like to you now and how you want it to play out. This takes time to sort. Give yourself plenty of time to sort.

    5. LDN Layabout*

      Can you take a while? Even if it’s just a few days, like a weekend. Just clear your schedule. And go. Doesn’t need to be long, doesn’t need to be far, just to get you away from the space you’re in.

      Pausing is important in life, even if all you can manage is a comma vs. a full stop.

    6. Blue Eagle*

      The loss for the entire first year will likely be tough. Because each holiday or time of year is the first time that your Dad is not there to share it with you. Give yourself time to breathe. Breathe and remember a special happy memory of something you and your Dad did together. That’s what helped me through the first year. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way.

    7. WellRed*

      I remember being irritated that I still had to gas up my car and pay bills when my dad died. I also wanted to sit still.

    8. Paris Geller*

      My mom died when I was in high school, and honestly I remember 30 days–half a year after being the worst time of grief. The immediate aftermath was such a blur; funeral, family coming in, etc. I was sad, of course, but it wasn’t until the world started moving on that the grief really, really hit. I felt stuck for a good long while. I don’t have a lot of words of comfort, but I just want to say I think that’s pretty typical and normal.

    9. anon24*

      I recently heard this about grief and death and I hope it’s ok to share:

      Your grief will be equal to your love, just on the opposite end of the spectrum. You will feel an enormous amount of pain because you have an enormous amount of love for them and that love will never go away.

      Be kind to yourself. It hasn’t been very long. You aren’t expected to just “go back to normal”. I’m sorry for your loss.

    10. Observer*

      I’m going to chime in with all the people who say that it’s too soon for most people to be back to *A* “normal.” You’re life will never be the same, even if it looks the same on the outside. Developing the new normal takes time. You are pretty much just starting that process.

      I remember someone once saying that they feel like the want the world to stop turning – How does the sun keep rising now that this world stopping thing has happened. They didn’t mean it literally, but expressing something similar to what you seem to be feeling.

      The bad news is that the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising. The good news is that world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising. And we adjust. But it takes time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. And know that there is a good chance that your life ever after will be divided between before and after. And it’s essentially ok.

    12. NoLongerYoung*

      Lots and lots of good advice here. You are adapting to that “after dad died world” and it’s a hard thing to know he is no longer there physically in your life. But you are feeling, and talking about it, and that’s the super important thing. You are going to have good moments, and teary moments. Your feelings are legitimate and they are honest. Speak of him…you are doing actually very well. (It took me 6 weeks just to go back to work after husband died).

      I second the recommendation to find a grief group when you are ready, if you like. I found it a lot easier to talk with folks who had gone through what I had. It’s helpful to not feel alone or different. (at work, I was an anomaly; the first person there who had lost a spouse. Most hadn’t even lost a parent).

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Hit enter too soon. And what i meant by that (before I get criticized), is I had also lost my second brother and my dad earlier, and the same group had expressed even less sympathy then. So work is not the place for getting any comfort, at least for me. Not that losing a husband is harder than losing a dad. (For me, it was actually harder to lose my dad and my brother… I still miss them very much… )
        So I found a grief group to be really helpful to process because I just couldn’t bring any of it to work, and I needed to be heard.

    13. hello I feel the same*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, dinoweeds.

      There’s lots of good advice here, and I want to add that you don’t have to feel positive. You’re dealing with a lot of grief. Please give yourself permission to feel what you feel, without adding complications of what you *should* be feeling.

    14. Type 2*

      I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself and get a massage, a coloring book, a library card – something just for “you”.

    15. MommaCat*

      My mom died around Thanksgiving. I feel you. Something that’s been helping me is making things with my hands, but I’ve always been the type to meditate while building or painting. Washing dishes can put me in that state, too, where my hands are busy but my mind is free. The key difference, for me, is that my brain doesn’t have the room to spiral when my hands are busy, so I’m able to work through issues and problems. I’m also working on things that can take a little water damage from tears, and where it isn’t dangerous if I can’t see for a little from tearing up. I’ll also periodically provoke those tears when it feels safe for me to ugly cry: reading sad poetry, listening to sad music. Sometimes you have to let off some pressure.
      I hope some of this can help you? My situation is a little different, in that we thought my mom was at death’s door a year ago, so we all said our goodbyes and prepared ourselves… but she held on, in that terrible place between life and death, for almost a year. So I’ve both been through this and am going through it again, with a big dose of relief thrown in this time around. Take care. <3

    16. Sam I Am*

      I legit felt the way you do about the sign, though I thought it should be a t-shirt.

      Everyone else had really good stuff to say on the topic, so I’ll veer a little… it’s ok to feel sad, and it’s ok to feel joy. Sometimes you’ll feel one and think “oh, I shouldn’t feel this right now because of x” and I’m here to tell you feel your grief, feel your joy when it comes, and it isn’t dishonoring the other feeling to feel the opposite.

      This is complex, like your love.

      I’m lucky to have many friends so no single one of them had to hear all my thoughts, but if you don’t have that handy, or some of your people are strange about it, share your thoughts with a support group. Share your memories. Share your frustration at missing him. You’ll cry and you’ll laugh and it may seem mixed up but that’s the pain leaving the spirit. Eventually the seed of joy will flower.

      Good luck.

    17. Laura H.*

      As an aside, for us who aren’t grieving… give them your shoulder to cry on, but understand that it will be in their time.

      Life is hectic and busy. A friend apologized to me for not taking up my offer for coffee and chats- but said friend also lost their mom this year, their spouse is fighting a medical battle, and they still work. I pointed this out and said that’s why I left it to my friend to decide- their life and schedule is necessary. (Un)Fortunately, my schedule is quite open. And I know that if I need my friend- they’d be there in a heartbeat!

      I am sorry for all losses suffered by any of you and internet hugs abound.

    18. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Hugs. Grief when trying to adult can be so overwhelming.

      I am a fan of the talisman. Something on my desk, or in my pocket, or on a cord around my neck (under my clothes). Something I deliberately have with me to remind me that I am ok, that love is around, that I am not forgetting even when other people have other things on their mind.

      Take your moments when you need them.

    19. Curmudgeon in California*

      My father died 2018-12-18. The entire year of 2019 was taken up with dealing with his death and two others in my family/friends circle.

      Grief takes time. It is still hitting me in little ways that my dad is gone. The last year seems to have been overshadowed with death and grieving.

      It does get better, little by little.

      But give yourself permission to not be perfect. Give yourself permission to turn down social stuff that you don’t feel like doing. Give yourself permission to go off in a corner and cry if you need to.

      Grief is not over when the memorial service is done. For most of his acquaintances, yeah, but not for his family. Even when all the paperwork and crap is done, you will still be grieving. You can’t lose a person who is such a big part of your life and expect to be “over it” in a month or two.

      The long and short is: It’s OK to grieve, and grieving for family takes time.

  29. StellaBella*

    Happy February all! Two things to share…met four old friends last night for a bit of social time and really enjoyed being out in an underground bar with good people!

    Tomorrow I plan to walk near the lake I live by to do some lakeside cleanup, look for birds, and enjoy nature as 2 February is World Wetlands Day. Ramsar dot org has the info as does worldwetlandsday dot org too.

    Humphrey is so cute and your description of Wallace meeting him and hopping around with joy is so cute, Alison!

  30. Thinking about Kids*

    1. My bottom-most rib on my right side has been achy these past 3 days (intercostal muscle?) Keeping a heating pad on 24/7 has been the only thing working—and walking around. I thought it was an adverse reaction from taking 1 tablet Tylenol extra strength but the pain was on the bottom rib. Any useful non-pill remedies?

    2. New state parental paid leave makes it feel like the universe’s giving us a sign we’re in good hands if we have kids. Oddly it says it’s paid 8 weeks leave but is not job protection. Why? Also that plus 2 weeks paid plus paternal leave means our future kid gets nearly 6 months with us while building its immune system. Which is good bc some autoimmune conditions run in hub’s family and we want to recognize symptoms fast should they arise.

    3. Watching British Bake-Off and enjoying our kitten and watching Kitten Bowl tomorrow. And trying a new potato skins GF/DF recipe…

    1. Not So NewReader*

      For #1 I have kind of a weird thought. A friend had a problem with bottom ribs hurting. After many docs and many pills, a doc finally determined that she was rubbing her ribs into her hips when she slouched. And she slouched a LOT. The doc explained that shorter people can do this as there is less space between their ribs and hips. Taller people never have this problem as their ribs and hips are too far apart. If you are not a shorter person, then just ignore me.

      1. Thinking about Kids*

        Interesting! That actually could be it…I’ve been so busy and exhausted and slouching all of this week. So busy it’s the first time I’ve taken multiple days eating lunch at the desk (typically I go for lunch walks for fresh air but haven’t been able).

    2. Kage*

      #2 – If you’re in the US, it’s because payment programs and FMLA are technically separate things. FMLA is the job-protection portion that companies have to comply with (based on size, your tenure and other factors). FMLA does not provide any payment coverage at all; it’s just the job security that you know you can come back to the same position/level. The payment portion is always handled either thru Short Term Disability plans or Family Leave plans. Often those plans only pay a portion of your wages and only for a certain length of time.

      Be careful/clear in your understanding of how these work together, however, as most states will let them run concurrently. For most people this means you get 12-weeks of job-protected leave (FMLA) of which only 6-8 of that is paid (Short Term Disability/Family Leave). The remainder is then entirely unpaid leave (or you’d have to supplement the payment side with saved-up PTO if your work allows that).

    3. Recent baby-haver*

      Kage is right in concept on the parental leave question (i.e. you probably already were entitled to job-protected leave for the relevant periods of time, the new law means you’re entitled to pay during that time), but given your reference to 6 total months of parental leave, I suspect you’re in a state provides job-protected leave in excess of FMLA. It will probably run concurrently with FMLA (so you don’t get, for example, your state’s guaranteed leave *plus* FMLA), but the likely result is that you’re entitled to more than 12 weeks.

      In any event, my advice is to look carefully at what your state offers and make sure you’re taking all you want to! California’s system, while not perfect, is quite good compared to most places in the US, and I had a really positive experience with it last year. However, I was essentially dealing with two kinds of leave (pregnancy disability leave and baby bonding leave) in three phases (standard disability before giving birth, disability by virtue of having recently given birth, and bonding), with three different pay structures (pay from both employer and state disability insurance, pay from only state disability insurance, no pay). I have a fair amount of background knowledge of employment law and a lot of facility with legal research, and I still found it challenging to piece together what exactly I was entitled to. I also had to do some education of our HR person (probably attributable, at least in part, to the fact that this area of law is changing pretty rapidly and we’re a small organization where this doesn’t come up often; a friend with an F500 employer had knowledgable and helpful HR support).

      All that is just to say: research carefully and make sure you know both what you get and what you want!

      1. fposte*

        I think Thinking meant that when you add paternal and maternal time together; it doesn’t look like their state provides additional parental leave time.

  31. louise*

    TL;DR Open threads have changed my life.

    Five-ish years ago I first heard about the low FODMAP protocol on an open thread. I looked into it and read up on it for over two years before I was willing to concede my IBS symptoms interfered with my life more than the disappointment of a major diet overhaul would.

    Three years ago after symptoms really escalated I plunged into low FODMAP world (including challenging things back into my diet) and… I’m a new person. In the last six months I found a doctor who know what it is and had solutions for me to try for lingering symptoms.

    I also started using a happy light (Which I learned about from open threads!) every single day four months ago and I truly am a different person. I previously never understood power naps—I needed 2-3 hours of napping!—but since getting my gut aligned, I rarely nap and if I do, <20 minutes seems to do the trick.

    This really is the best community.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Echoing, I have learned so much from these open threads. It’s been really great.

      I am very glad you are doing better. louise.

    4. Katefish*

      One of these threads taught me about the Lucky Iron Fish right when I got diagnosed with anemia… This is a wonderful community, uplifting, diverse, and interesting. Plus with cat pics!

    5. Jedi Squirrel*

      I had no idea happy lights were a thing! As someone who deals with SAD every winter, I am actually excited about this!

      The power of this community! Thank you, everybody!

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Agreed. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. Thank you for sharing… I have learned so much from fposte and NSNR and many others. I have a recipe (Red reader the adulting fairy) and even word documents on topics that I found interesting. It’s wonderful and encouraging, too.

    7. Ann O.*

      How did you find your doctor?

      I also have embraced low-FODMAP because IBS was causing me so much pain. It’s improved things so much! But I do have lingering issues, and my doctor has been utterly useless about it all.

      1. CSI Tink*

        Also a low fodmapper! Forget the Dr for any kind of nutritional IBS help… find yourself a registered dietitian that has fodmap training. Kate Scarlatas website has a list. Hopefully there is one near you.

    8. MissDisplaced*

      Sometimes it just helps to hear you’re not imagining things and that others have had similar health issues and that, yes, this can really be a thing.

      So, so many doctors ignore women’s symptoms.

  32. Elizabeth West*

    I just can’t seem to catch a break lately. I need to get out of this living situation before I lose my ever-loving mind. I feel like I traded a prison for a dungeon. Please send good vibes, y’all.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Happy light?
      I think you said you have a cellar space? Daylight is probably at a premium.

      All the good vibes for ya, EW. Always.

      1. Observer*

        Lots of luck.

        I think that the idea of full spectrum lights would be helpful, as would finding SOMEPLACE that you go to every day, just to get you out of there.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sending all the good vibes possible (not restricted to this small graphic): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!

      Can you go to the public library and sit next to a window for part of your day?

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Oh, my heart goes out. Any way to get out a little bit each day (between 10 and 2?) and get sunlight, green around you, (assuming not in snow belt) and air in your lungs? Do your mediation or journal in the park? Something to get you clean air and space around you?
      (hug)

    12. LibbyG*

      Good vibes! You’ve done so much work to advamce toward your goals. I hope the next ayoff comes quickly.

    13. Wandering*

      Good vibes coming: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Hope good things come back from vacation & camp out with you for a long time.

    14. Tea and Sympathy*

      Adding my good vibes to the rest. I strongly recommend the SAD light, if lack of sunshine gets to you. Also, can you mindfully do something nice for yourself every day?

  33. merp*

    I have gone full BEC with my roommate, and our lease isn’t up until May.. has anyone successfully reset those kinds of feelings? I want us to part as friends if we can!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Silently wish her well everyday. You can switch it up to specific things she is talking about such as a worry about a car repair, concerns about a raise, etc. and wish her well on those specifics. But deliberately craft a sincere wish for a good thing for her everyday.

      Praying folks can use prayer, also. The key is to do the exercise everyday.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      One technique is to pretend your roommate is on a spectrum of some kind and they can’t help how they are. Another is pretending to be an anthropologist researching an exotic species. Use David Attenborough’s voice in your head.
      Be civil, but be assertive when needed. Don’t fume in silence. (Everyone could use practice being assertive.) Parting as “friends” might be a big ask; “neutral” would be a victory, too.
      Best of Luck

      1. nm*

        You know when people post pictures of their pets next to signs like “I pooped on the carpet” etc? I imagine my roommate that way when they annoy me. Like I imagine a puppy sitting next to a sign that says “I tracked mud all over the kitchen” “I got the entire bathroom floor wet” or whatever.

    3. Jackalope*

      Along with the prior suggestion, could you also do one nice thing for her each day without expecting anything in return? I find that helpful. I also find getting space from that person for awhile can help (ie leaving at the time of day when you most annoy each other for a walk or something), although that’s better if you usually like the person but get on each other’s nerves sometimes.

    4. Vaguebook*

      Ooh I’ve been in your shoes before. What turned it around for me was when she opened up about a struggle she was having which reframed us as allies in my mind, as I was dealing with similar things.

      Maybe you could start thinking about yourselves as allies against the builders’ thin walls, small storage spaces, management’s lax enforcement of community rules, etc.

  34. Jedi Squirrel*

    I’m taking a weekend off just to catch up on reading, writing, and watching movies. Currently watching The Kid Who Would be King and enjoying it greatly. Off for a walk as soon as it’s over. (Also—Cornwall is beautiful.)

  35. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    What is your cat’s favorite dry food? I’m transitioning my cat to mostly wet food, but want to have dry food for cat puzzles and training. I don’t want to just give her treats, because that would be a lot of treats. But she doesn’t much like her current dry food.

    1. Thinking about Kids*

      Our cat does wet food plus freeze-dried raw VitalCat food (minnows, rabbit, duck pellet) and freeze-dried venison (found in pet stores) and VitalCat offers dry food (non-snack). Cat loves his minnows…

    2. Old Biddy*

      mine eat Purina One most of the time and like it. They also really like Crave and the pieces are a bit bigger, so it’s more like cat treats.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I feed Purina One, but over time have fed a variety of foods as needed. I’ve never known a cat that actually liked Science Diet – I have no idea why the stuff is still made.

      1. Not a cat*

        Roommate’s cat LOVES dry SD. Recently he was put on an all wet food diet (vet’s orders) and he is very displeased.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          So they do exist! All my cats, and every cat I’ve known, think its awful. To each their own.

    5. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      As we’re about to shell out for a scale and polish under GA, can I recommend you look out for treats or kibble specifically formulated for dental health? We’re using a Royal Canin kibble and Smilla treats at the moment (and keeping fingers crossed for the insurance authorizing the treatment).

    6. Book Lover*

      We use orijen dry cat and kitten food for ours. She has long hair and has never had a fur ball so I am happy. She does a bit of wet food every day also.

    7. Windchime*

      My cat also eats Purina One. I think it’s the salmon and rice one (he’s a fish guy and is very picky about flavors). We had to try him on Science Diet a few years ago for a health problem and he basically started starving himself to death. He would not eat it. I switched him back to the Purina One and he was back to fighting weight in a few weeks.

    9. Kathenus*

      I do rotational feeding, and use two dry foods at a time, and am trying to make sure she’ll eat a number of different ones. I do it both for variety/enrichment to make life more interesting, and to make sure she doesn’t get so fixed on one food that she won’t eat if the formula changes or I can’t get it. The shelter I got her from used Purina One, so that’s been my staple so far in that I feed it all the time (Purposeful Nutrition, Tender Selects Blend, Chicken), and then I’ve rotated Crave (salmon), Purina Pro Plan (chicken and egg), and Blue Buffalo (don’t remember the flavor). I also tried one by Rachel Ray’s Nutrish, and she didn’t like it so I gave it to a friend and moved on to the next. I feed a bit of wet a.m. and p.m. and then dry during the day – right now all of it is being fed in the Catit Food Tree so she’s less likely to overeat as she was gaining a bit more weight than I wanted. I’m going to keep expanding my options and her palate over time, keeping one that I know she likes and trying a new variety to have the biggest ‘menu’ I can for her long-term.

    10. Goldfinch*

      We feed Instinct by Nature’s Variety Original Grain-Free Recipe with Real Rabbit Dry Cat Food. It checks all the boxes: grainfree for allergies, avoids poultry/seafood for kidney disease, and they actually eat it.

    11. Aphrodite*

      Taste of the Wild. There are two flavors but my cats, before the vet put them on a no-dry-food diet, loved it! And it’s grain free. You can get it at Chewy’s, Petco or most feed stores.

      1. Lucien Nova*

        Seconding this – my three are on Taste of the Wild. The fish flavor. It’s one of the few foods my extremely picky Himalayan would eat before I lost her, as well.

    12. fish! no chicken!*

      cats can be the ultimate fussy eaters! one thing to dry for food: if you’ve been feeding the cat fish flavoured dry food, try chicken or lamb or … a different animal entirely. The kitty might just be tired of one type/flavour of food before the bag is done.

  36. They Don’t Make Sunday*

    Jeans rage thread. Question: Is there anyone making women’s jeans that are low-rise, full-length inseam, and 98–100% cotton? I can only ever find 2 out of 3 and my figure requires 3 out of 3 in order for me to not look ridiculous and like I don’t know how to dress myself.

    I’ve been waiting for skinny jeans to go away since 2006 and instead it’s just gotten worse. This week I actually cried because I was just so frustrated that my PANTS DON’T FIT. I am slim but curvy and anything that fits my thighs is 3 sizes too big at the waist. The jeans that made me cry are mid-rise 100% cotton Levi’s that I paid to have taken in at the waist. But that left extra crotch/low abdomen fabric with nowhere to go. So now they are close fitting at the thighs but all of a sudden baggy right at the crotch, a charming effect that I have dubbed reverse cameltoe. Using a belt just makes the crotch pouchiness even worse.

    All clothing rants from across the body spectrum are welcome and will get a hell-yeah.

    1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      *for the actual-question part of my comment, I should clarify that I’m really hoping for 100% or 99% cotton. It probably seems like hairsplitting if you’re not me, but the 98s I once owned fit a bit to “skinny” for my frame.

    2. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      I don’t wear jeans anymore, but I’m still in the market for properly fitting work pants. Whoever manufactures women’s slacks don’t seem to understand that some women are not stick straight, but have slightly larger hip to waist ratios. Basically, every pair I find is either very tight around the butt area but fits fine on the legs, or is loose around the butt area, but then too loose in the waist and baggy around the legs. GAH! I’ve been looking for months in several stores.

    3. Nom de Plume*

      Are you wanting boot cuts or straight legs? Try looking at women’s western wear jeans. Carharts or maybe wranglers.

      1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        I have a pair of Wranglers! They are the least bad fit-wise of the jeans I have. But they’re pretty frumpy and I can only wear them with super-outdoorsy stuff. I’ve been thinking of trying again with the dark wash ladies’ pair they make.

        1. Pippa K*

          Yeah, I’ve given up the search for stylish jeans that fit hips and thighs without a big waist gap, so now I just buy Wrangler Q-Baby in whatever the darkest available wash is. The fit is reasonable and at least they’re not expensive!

          1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

            Nope, not expensive! I tried the “Cowboy Cut” slim fit indigo and they were a little too tight in the waist (for a change!). I may size up and try again. The return shipping really gets you because actual cotton jeans are heavy!

    4. Not A Manager*

      Try AG Jeans. You can filter by rise and fabric – I looked at “mid rise” which is the lowest they have now, and “denim” or “cotton.” The B-type line might work for you, or the Harper. I will say that I find their descriptions vague – you might need to get several in order to try them on and see the difference. But returns are pretty easy, IIRC.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I should mention that they are pricey. But by the time I’ve had a tailor do anything more than shorten a hem, sometimes it’s worth paying more to have it fit the first time.

      2. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        I have had these before, yes. Last time I struck out, but it’s been a year so I may try again. Still have a pair of AG 100% cotton jean shorts from 2010 and wish I could get more/clone them into jeans.

    5. Enough*

      Might consider a stretchy jean. I am tall and overweight and find that stretchy jeans tend to retain their shape and not stretch out which always caused the pants to look baggy in all the wrong places. I wear Lees which have mid-rise but not low.

    6. Jaid*

      Look at the Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda jean. 98% cotton 2% spandex. They have a midrise with a 30′ inseam.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        I am seriously pin-up curvy with lordosis to boot, and those are what I wear all the time. Other jeans don’t have room for the butt. And yeah, I’m losing weight, but genetics say I’ll always have plenty of junk in the trunk, whatever size I wear.

      3. A name*

        Also, some Amanda’s are very tight in the ankle and some are closer to boot cut, so looking at a department store where you can try is a good idea if it’s manageable. (I wear only Amandas and only the wider leg).

      4. OhBehave*

        I have a pair of Amandas. I needed more so bought them again. Ridiculous! There is so much stretch in them that they almost fell off at the end of the day. The pair I have do not seem to have a ton of stretch, which is perfect. The quest continues.

      5. RagingADHD*

        All my “good” jeans are GV.

        Everything else is only fit for doing housework in, not being seen in.

    7. Gaia*

      Sometimes it feels like people who make jeans have not seen many women. We exist in a myriad of shapes and ratios and sizes. So why do jeans not!?

      1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        Preach! Trends make me mad for exactly this reason. Do women magically change shape every few years? No, no, we do not. We have the same needs we always have, regardless of what is “in.” There outta be a law.

    8. Reader in ND*

      I think Duluth Trading Company has nice “normal” jeans in my opinion. No crazy bling, rips, etc. I think they are for normal, grown women, not for size 2 teens, so maybe they’d have something you would like.

    9. Buttons*

      Lucky brand jeans are my favorite. They come in waist size and length for women and you can pick the denim weight. They are typically about $98, but they have great sales where you can get them for 40-50% off.

    10. WellRed*

      I too hate the skinny jean trend that never went away. I’m wearing Eddie Bauer jeans. Not perfect. Wouldn’t 100 cotton make bagging worse?

      1. Windchime*

        I finally gave up and am wearing the skinny jeans. I think they make me look like an ice cream cone but I can’t find anything else that doesn’t have the “reverse camel toe” effect. WHAT in the hell is with the wads of extra fabric in the crotch area?!? And the gaping at the back of the waist?

      2. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        For me at least, jeans that fit like a glove are unflattering. I’d prefer my legs to look pants-shaped instead of my legs–shaped. I actually need jeans to stand a bit away from my body in the natural spots, especially at the backs of the upper thighs. Stretch jeans look so-so on me everywhere but there. Might check out Eddie Bauer. Thanks!

      3. The New Wanderer*

        I was going to suggest Eddie Bauer – I have some jeans from there that are looser fit, maybe boyfriend cut? and no stretch. But I bought them 5 or so years ago so no idea if they still stock that style. In fact, most of the boot cut or straight leg jeans I have are from a clothing exchange so definitely not new, so maybe a thrift store would work to find the older styles you want?

        I have several pairs of skinny jeans and there are some better and worse fits out there. My favorites are from Nordstrom (Jag Jeans, I think), and they’re somewhere between skinny and straight, more like close fitting without being form fitting. But they do have a good amount of stretch in the fabric (blend of cotton, poly, and spandex).

      4. Jackalope*

        I’ve found that Eddie Bauer and Nordstrom’s can be good for curvy figures (although Eddie Bauer is awful for short or tall people so keep that in mind). Totally agree with everyone’s comments on jeans. My figure isn’t THAT weird, but finding something that’s even good enough to be able to wear and not have them fall off or be miserably tight in one bit is way too hard.

        1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

          I know, right? I hate being made to feel that my body is somehow “wrong.” It’s not wrong. It’s just that all. the. pants. are. wrong. For an entire decade. Who knew 2005-6 was a dream year for pants for my figure? Low-slung sailor-button pants in particular. It sure didn’t feel like a dream year, because it was still hard to find pants! But it was doable.

    11. anon24*

      Have you tried American Eagle? They get looked at as a hipster store but they used to sell a style called the kick boot (as of like 2 years ago they still did) and it was my jean style for years. I’ve since gained a lot of weight but I used to be small waisted with big thighs and they were the only jeans that fit my body like a glove. They’re boot cut and stretchy fabric and oh so comfy. I think they ran about $40-$50 a pair. I used to go in there and buy 4 or 5 in my size and wear them every day for 2 or 3 years until they fell apart. I still wear them now that I’m a size 14 and I do love them, I’m just not that body type of skinny waist big thighs anymore.

    12. university minion*

      It seems counterintuitive (or at least it did to me!), but try some men’s jeans. I’m curvy and on the smaller end of men’s sizes, but lately, that seems to be what fits the best. Additionally, you get more choices in all or nearly all cotton fabric in men’s jeans. It’s weird, but it works.

      1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        Thanks for the tip! In college I owned a pair of Abercrombie men’s that ended up being too long in the crotch. But that was before denim truly went off the deep end. Any brands that have worked for you?

    13. MRK*

      I got so angry with pants (they never fit my thighs and waist! They rip out after a couple months! The ultra low rise muffintop! The crotch situation!) that I gave up on them. Literally no longer own anything more structured than a pair of leggings for my legs. Can’t say I regret it at all

    14. Tris Prior*

      I have no suggestions but I hear you. I have a small waist, big thighs, and I’m very long-waisted. The low-rise trend was just hell for me; low-rise on me = the jeans waistband sits below my hipbones. If jeans fit my thighs, they are hanging off of my waist and leaving huge gaps.

      I found one style at Old Navy (“the sweetheart”) that works OK for my body so I bought like 4 pairs. I don’t wear jeans often so hopefully this means I will Never Have To Shop For Jeans Again, unless I gain a bunch of weight.

      1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        Ugh, that sounds awful! The low-rise trend was good for me for pants, but right around 2003 all the shirts got shorter even though the pants didn’t get any higher. So it was like living under some kind of midriff-baring mandate. The mannequins in the stores modeled the clothes normally, but when my friends and I actually wore them we could not keep our midriffs entirely covered. It was bonkers. I mostly just rolled with it and wore cardigans but still. I remember feeing self-conscious going to meet my then-boyfriend/now-husband’s mother for the first time and being upset that my shirt couldn’t reliably cover my lower abdomen all the way.

    15. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Arrgh. I have no suggestions, but I have a similar problem.

      I want 100% cotton jeans (or non-jeans pants), with functional pockets, a high waist, an elastic waistband, and ample room in the back. (My stomach-ass proportions are not what many manufacturers seem to think they should be, and given how many pants I’ve rejected in person this keeps me from trying to buy online.) I last found jeans that worked for me about a decade ago at a ShopKo in Lewiston Idaho, which is not the state I live in or a place I would find it convenient to travel to to look for pants (fortunately, I was on a car-based trip and could come home with several sacks of jeans). They have all worn out now, and I genuinely have no idea where to look to replace them.

      My non-jeans cotton pants were found at Fred Meyer’s before they re-did all of their women’s clothing lines a year or so ago, and I estimate I’m about a year or two away from a full on Pants Crisis as my remaining stockpile gets worn out past mending. (I have only a few pairs left that have never been worn, and make a point of mending each pair until the actual fabric gets worn out in ways that can’t be subtly mended rather than just a ribbed seam or small, darn-able hole in otherwise good fabric.)

      I still miss Mervyns. They used to have a nice, standardized set of jeans and slacks I could just go buy, with pockets big enough to fit a graphing calculator in.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        FUNCTIONAL POCKETS. FOUR OF THEM. I’m sick of getting home to go cut open the sewn-shut pockets to find out they’re fakes or so short I can’t put a folded $5 in them without it falling out halfway to the cafeteria.

      2. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        I sympathize. You sound like you’re totally on it as far as pants life extension. But just in case…have you checked eBay for the old versions you like?

    16. Goldfinch*

      I’m about 5’3″ with an extreme hourglass figure, stupid-short legs, and a long torso, so I think I meet your criteria (curvy with inseam problems). I always wear low-rise because I can’t stand to feel anything digging into my waist.

      I wear Joe’s Jeans Honey cut. They are 98% cotton, 2% elastan. They are not perfect, but they have the least lower-back gap of any jeans I’ve worn, and they don’t feel like they’re trying to rip me in half from the crotch up.

      They cost a bloody fortune but with patience I’ve been able to find them on Posh, eBay, and thrifting.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I also love the Joe’s Honey cut and it sounds like we have a similar body type.

        For OP, check out brands like Everlane, Madewell and Boyish. I got a pair from Everlane and although I returned them (they weren’t *quite* what I was looking for), I did really quite like them. I would order from them again.

    17. Ranon*

      If there’s something you own and want a clone of that’s not made anymore I’ve had good luck with Poshmark and other folks do well on Ebay, I stocked up on my preferred jean (Levi 515s) after they discontinued them- didn’t have to go try on pants and saved a bunch of money

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Second eBay.
        My most comfy are, quite honestly, a pair of faux jeans. They are 96% cotton, have back pockets, fake front zipper – and horrors – an elastic waist. (I don’t tuck in shirts; I can, but I’m short waisted and very top heavy, and I look… odd I think). These are not jeggings (heaven forbid) but they completely look like regular (small amount of spandex) jeans. Without that waist gap. Since I’m about 12″ smaller in the waist than the hip, you could put an old style bag cell phone in the back waist of most jeans and take up the gap… I hate it.
        For my other pairs, I had to stitch in darts / tucks all around the waist band, to use up some of the extra fabric, or the waist band sticks out oddly under sweaters or bunches under the belt. I just want them to stay up, and not gap. Is that too much to ask?

        Other than those, now going on 2 years or more old…I basically gave jeans up and started wearing leggings and long tunics 95% of the time. I have lost hope.

        Helpful hint? I do wash those beloved jeans with woolite dark and line dry to preserve them. It helps.

    18. Budgie Buddy*

      I believe the scientific term for the extra fabric at the crotch is “jeanis.”

      Other than that no advice here. I also hate jeans and women’s pants in general. I did find some recently at Uniqlo that fit me, but that brand tend to be midrise so it may not help you.

  37. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

    Happy Caturday! I moved into my new place (after only four months at the other!). It’s a nice remodeled garage apt. They did well – ceiling fan, paneling, even real hardwood floors. Those are scarred and scuffed up, but I actually like that look. I’ve always been into shabby chic. It’s much more comfortable than pristine and perfect. My roommates include a sweet female pit bull (rescued from tragic circumstances), and her sister, a long haired feline. Both regularly sleep with me. If you’ve never had the experience of a 63 lb dog fighting you for bed space, it’s an adventure, I can tell you. Sometimes we lay back to back, each pushing against the other for more room!!

    Now I need to find the rest of the security deposit for next month ($350). Does anyone have ideas, maybe you know of a community service group that might be willing to contribute some or all of it? A rich philanthropist who wants to give money away? I’m at the point where I’d sell my plasma, but since I’m flirting with diabetes (again) I don’t think they would take mine. OT is spotty now, and the raise I’d hoped for did not materialize.

    ** a few weeks back I asked the hive mind for explanations of why my new roommate would get a PhD in theatre. Those who said she’s probably funded were right. She mentioned that last night, during a chat about her adviser meeting.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Caturday. Clever. I chuckled out loud. I hope Alison catches that one.

      A 63 pound dog can FILL a double size bed. I have seen this first hand. And the Brick Wall does not budge all night. I roll over and it’s like hitting a brick wall. The dog doesn’t even wake up.

      Around here there is a coalition of churches and that coalition would probably pay the deposit balance for you. I’d suggest googling community groups or checking at a larger church near you.
      Or perhaps you can do creative financing by going to the food pantry and using the grocery money to pay the deposit- a take from Peter to pay Paul sort of thing.

      1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        I love Caturday. I wish I could take credit but I think it came from I Can Haz Cheezburger?

      1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        I was trying to understand why someone without independent means would incur that level of debt for a career that’s not likely to be profitable enough to repay that debt. So I kicked it to the people here, knowing someone would have the answers.

    3. Anono-me*

      You may want to check the local Independent News weeklies to see if anyone is looking for mock trial jurors. I’ve done that and gotten $100 for the day.

      If you have a driver’s license, you can get gift cards for test driving certain new cars. (Obviously you can’t use a gift card for your down payment, but maybe you can use the gift card to purchase something online that you would normally pay for it with cash.)

      I don’t know if this is something that you would care to do, but have you looked into either babysitting or dog sitting as a way to bring in a little extra cash. I know Baby Sitters in my community usually get about $15 an hour for one kid plus tip. Dog sitting typically doesn’t pay nearly as well, but it also usually isn’t it time intensive. Maybe you could find someone who lives nearby, who works a non-traditional schedule and needs someone to let their dogs out on your days off. (Maybe ask a nearby hospital or police station etc., if you can put up an advertisement up on the employee bulletin board.)

  38. The Other Dawn*

    I’m very excited: my new recliner is being delivered in about an hour! I bought a power lift recliner, which will help a lot with recovery next month. I was going to rent one, but it wasn’t much more to buy one and I was worried my cats would damage a rental. Plus we’ve been talking about a second recliner anyway. I have one of those zero gravity ones, but that’s really not soft enough to sit/lay/sleep in for anywhere from two to six weeks. I also bought grabbers, a raised toilet seat with handles, shower seat, new handheld shower heard, and a grab bar for the shower. These are all things I wish I’d had when I had the tummy tuck a few years ago. Hard to believe there’s only one month until surgery #1. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and lose a few pounds. My eating is garbage this last year and I need to rein myself in big time.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Those recliners are wonderful.
      helpful hint (hopefully)….
      I used big beach towels (easy to pull off and wash), even under a sheet when sleeping in the recliner during recovery. For some reason, I slept very warm in the recliner – they are foam and the arms also rise around you. I didn’t want to have to fabreeze the thing just from the accumulation of night sweat and migrating skin cells being shed. (and heaven forbid any leakage from the surgery drains).
      I later bought a surefit cover for it (works well too) for animal hair, once I and DH were no longer sleeping in it for post-ops. (originally bought for his). Those are easy to pop off and wash for things like chip/ dip spills.
      Subsequently, we found one that was actually upholstered with an anti-microbial vinyl, but by then we already had ours well-integrated to the household.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thank you so much!! I hadn’t thought about using a sheet underneath. And yes, I was wondering if there’s some kind of chair cover I could buy that would fit. This new recliner is leather (it’s the suede-looking kind), so I definitely don’t want it damaged. (Although I know that cats WILL do that at some point. They always do.) I was going to go with a fabric chair, but I think the leather will be easier to slide out of if I need to.

        I think the only thing I don’t care for is that it’s a traditional recliner in the sense that the foot part goes out completely straight out with no bend at the knees, and I think that’s going to be tough on my back. I’ll need to put a pillow under my knees. I have the zero gravity recliner with heat and massage, but that’s just not soft enough for full-time use, though I love the position it would put me in for reclining.

    3. surgery*

      If you are having back surgery, make sure to have a trash bag to put on your car seat. It let’s you just slide in and out of the car. It was one of the best things I did when I had my fusion.

    4. Anono-me*

      Congrats on your power chair.

      Please be careful of the power control cord. If you drop it, it can be hard to reclaim it and difficult to get out of the chair while reclining. Some chairs have little hooks just under the top of the arm for the cord. Otherwise you might want to have your Grabber handy or put it on a bungee cord attached to your wrist. Also be careful you don’t get the cord caught in the gears. It’s an easy fix, but it takes about a week for the part to arrive and they usually run a hundred fifty bucks or more.

      Also you can get lazy Susans for your car seat (Bed Bath & Beyond has some online a while back for about $30). And you can get straps that go on the top of your door frame or handles that go on the door frame latch to make getting in and out of your car easier. You might also want to make sure you have a comfortable dining table captain’s chair style chair around. One you will mostly be able to use your arms to power your way out of. Those could be a nice change of pace for when you’re sick of sitting in are recliners but need to sit.

      Also you might want to look at getting a box of disposable flushable wet wipes.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        For our cord, I got a giant safety pin and used it pin over (not through LOL) the cord near the control… pin into the cover/ sheet I had, to keep it from migrating away. Because I sometimes needed to get out of the chair more quickly than “hunt for it…” (It’s not speedy anyway).
        YMMV. We didn’t have anything I wanted to stick or sew a velcro loop to. But that’s an option. And yes, it does migrate into the crevice. (So do phones).

    6. Pam*

      Get a grabber or two- they aren’t terribly expensive, but are great for picking up remotes, turning off lights, and scratching out of reach itches.

  39. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

    This is inspired by a Reddit thread, but thought I would ask it on here.

    What are some double standards you are tired of/don’t think get called out on enough?

    1. Reader in ND*

      Having the women in the office take the notes at the meeting, plan the parties and route the birthday cards to get signed.

    2. Goldfinch*

      Men playing stupid to get out of household chores. If you’re smart enough to take 95% of the engineering jobs designing the effing appliances, you can damned well figure out how to use them.

    3. Koala dreams*

      I’m tired of the idea that any bad behaviour must be caused by some illness or other. The truth is, being mean is not an illness and some people are meaner when they are ill, just as some people are kinder when they are ill. Yet, people never say: They are only acting that way because they are healthy.

      The other double standard is how women are expected to do all the care-taking, while men don’t. It’s not only about babies, even though that’s maybe the clearest example. It’s also about taking care of a spouse, a parent, a relative, a friend. It’s been called out before, but it deserves to be called out more.

    4. No Tribble At All*

      If a man dresses sloppily, he’s just a clueless man (or an engineer). If a woman dresses sloppily, she’s an affront to all femininity.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Woman as cruise director & social secretary for the family.
      It was almost 2 years after I told my husband he was in charge of plans with his family before we started seeing them regularly again. (Various people: “Your phone is broken!” Me: “I turned off voicemail, did you call Husband?” Crickets. Me: “I’ll tell him to call you.” 2 weeks later, repeat.)

    6. Stormy Weather*

      If a woman is assertive she is called agressive/abrasive/bitchy. If a man does it, he’s a leader.

    7. Curmudgeon in California*

      If a woman has “bad manners”, it is a) harped on by primarily other women, and b) often a low threshold for “bad” to be commented on by both women and men.

      But if a man has “bad manners”, it’s a) much more severe to be noticed, and b) he usually gets a pass unless he is literally a danger to others.

  40. Windchime*

    Cat thread: I have a really nice cat named Mica. He is very gentle and generally really obedient. He loves to cuddle and follows me from room to room. BUT……..he has a nemesis. She lives next door and she is an outdoor cat named Oreo. She likes to come to the patio door and peek inside, which infuriates the normally gentle Mica. Last night, they were swatting at each other through the glass and Mica was getting more and more upset. I went over to slap at the glass to try to get Oreo to leave and Mica viciously attacked my arm! I know he just reacted and wasn’t consciously trying to hurt me, but he left several deep scratches and a bite on the palm of my hand. I had to drive to the store at 10 PM to buy bandaids and antibiotic ointment. (Yes, I know about how these things can get infected and I’m watching it closely. He is up-to-date on all his shots, etc).

    This morning he is soft and cuddly and wants his treat, like normal. Little butthead.

    1. fposte*

      You might try a frosted cling on the patio window so that they can’t see each other; that will help limit Mica’s frustration. You could probably just do it on the bottom so they can’t see each other at batting level.

      1. Windchime*

        That’s a good idea. He normally sits on the back of the sofa and can see her coming, but frosting the bottom couple of feet of the door is a good idea.

      2. Selmarie*

        The frosted cling idea is great! From watching Jackson Galaxy, you don’t want Mica staking out her turf (your home) by peeing on the furniture or window to let Oreo know to stay away!

    2. Can I get a Wahoo?*

      Jackson Galaxy has some good ideas for deterrent for this kind of issue! Things you can put outside to deter Oreo from coming to the window

      1. Windchime*

        I love Jackson Galaxy! I watch his show when I come across it. Oreo really isn’t hurting anything; she is the neighborhood wanderer and comes into everyones’ yard. But yeah, it was quite a scuffle and I’m pretty sure these deep scratches are going to make scars.

    3. cat socks*

      This happens in my house too. There are a couple of cats that come around that will infuriate some of my indoor cats.

      Hope you heal up soon!

    4. Kathenus*

      Agree with others on the cat deterrent. Just because Oreo is a wanderer and doesn’t have negative intentions in this case she is hurting things because she’s getting your cat upset and resulted in your injuries from the displaced frustration/aggression. Google cat deterrents and there are many motion activated options that are not expensive. And if this happens again get something to use as a baffle (rubbermaid container lid, piece of cardboard/folded box) to put between Mica and the glass to break the contact without putting yourself at risk.

    5. StellaBella*

      My cat has a nemesis at our previous place and we had windows these outdoor cats could see into and my cat did this to me too once. Scared the carp out of me. I placed white paper on all the windows and moved her cat tree to a place she could see birds but not other cats, and actively started discouraging the neighbour cat with a spray of water now and again. Eventually my cat was fine but this is a need for a displacement of the aggressions hence the attack on your arm. Make the other cat go away with a scram alarm maybe? Water? Hose spray? Your cat sees this cat as an invader to his territory

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I ordered a motion-detector sprinkler for our garden because of deer. Not yet tried so I don’t know how small a critter will trigger it. If you try it, make sure the water doesn’t actually hit the house, it’s not going to be going in the usual direction of rain so it could cause water damage if it happens too much. And heaven forbid you’ve got a window open!

    6. Detective Right-All-The-Time*

      Sprinkle Red Pepper flakes outside the patio door – it will keep Oreo from hanging out there, but won’t affect Mica’s ability to chill and look out the window.
      I had this issue with an outdoor cat who would come and jump up to claw my window screen to get my cat’s attention and rile him up. I put the pepper flakes out, and refreshed them a week later and the outdoor cat hasn’t been back since.

  41. Overeducated*

    What do you do about the feeling that you’re not “there” in life by the time you expected to be established? I have a mid-career level job and 2 kids, but my spouse is still working on soft money and wants to move to a different region in a year or three. I don’t know if we’ll be able to find two jobs in the preferred region, we couldn’t before and that’s why we don’t live there, but with kids starting school it’s very hard to think of our life as still temporary. Starting over each time is hard, and with no adult social time right now I feel like it would be even harder, and I’m eager to settle down and end the apartment phase of life. How to deal with the uncertainty?

    1. Dan*

      Well… not to get all philosophical, but everything in life is temporary. Kids in diapers = temporary. Terrible twos = temporary. And it just goes on from there. The fact you have children isn’t temporary (duh), but the life phases everybody is in certainly are.

      And a less philosophical (and helpful) response to your first question: You just “do.” I got a late start in my profession (didn’t start it until I was 30), and graduated college with a boat load of student loans. Throw in a divorce along the way too. Friends/co-workers/family who had things figured out in their early twenties have much more of the material trappings of success — actually own a home, good money in the bank, etc. Compared to that yardstick? I’m a big fat nope. How do I manage? Well, I don’t really care TBH. I get to live my life on my terms, and enjoy pretty much every minute of it.

      1. Overeducated*

        It is, I mean life itself is temporary, but that doesn’t mean everyone is always picking up and physically and socially uprooting every few years. I’m not looking for “this will be exactly the same until i die,” just to not be always holding my breathe for the next move.

        1. Dan*

          I think the part about holding your breathe for the next move is as much a mental state as opposed to the physical. Part of it is just telling yourself that your current situation is “permanent” for the next few years.

          When I read your initial post, I missed the part about living in an apartment and wanting to buy a house. What I can’t tell is how much is about buying a house, and how much is about getting your spouse settled into some sort of career path. (I don’t know what “soft money” means. Is that a European reference?)

          But I do get your uncertainty. I’m 40; the apartment I’ve lived in for the last ten years is the longest I’ve lived anywhere. (I didn’t habitually move as a kid, but this last ten years is the record.) I probably won’t financially be ready to by something for the next 3-5 years, which puts me in the position have been renting for close to 15 years. It’s quite possible that if I do buy my “permanent” residence, that I will have lived there for a shorter time frame than my “temporary” rental.

          How do I deal with it? I just tell myself (because it’s true) that my current situation is my “normal” for the foreseeable future, and I may as well get used to it mentally and “settle in.”

          1. Overeducated*

            It’s absolutely mental! I agree!

            The apartment thing is really a physical thing – we don’t have space to host dinners or overnight guests, store bikes, or even have a separate play area for kids when guests are here, so I’m just itching to move to a larger space. Renting a house doesn’t make sense for us right now logistically and financially for the same reason buying doesn’t – if we may move out if the entire area in another two years, we don’t want to incur the higher monthly cost, moving cost, uprooting the kids from their care, etc. Better to save up. But moving is an IF so it’s frustrating to stay in a too small space indefinitely.

            Soft money = project funds, so when the grant or contract dries up, so does the job. Some soft money jobs can last a whole career jumping from project to project, some expect you to move on…this is the move on kind. I think he could probably find a next job in this area if he wanted to stay, but the prospect of both of us finding good jobs in a nrw place at the same time is one im more pessimistic about. So i feel very in limbo.

            I guess enjoy the present is all one can do. Thanks.

    3. tangerineRose*

      I think almost everybody, even the people who get envied, feel like they’re not really where they want to be. And I think that we get fed a lot of “reach for the stars” stuff when maybe we should hear more of “learn to take care of yourself; get a good job; live within your means”.

      1. Anon Here*

        And being in an enviable place can be temporary. Not to be cynical. But, looking at the numbers, those marriages and careers don’t always last, and the “great” kids are also people who go through ups and downs.

        You gotta live a life that’s in keeping with your own goals and values, and avoid making comparisons.

    4. Washi*

      I feel like I have some similar feelings, though in an earlier stage of life. I’m living in a fine apartment but with a super loud neighbor, trying to get through grad school so that my husband and I can move to a different region, I can get a job in my field, and we can buy a house and have kids. Sometimes it feels like I’m waiting for my life to start. Which I don’t like! I don’t want to wish my life away.

      I’ve found that really dialing into the present helps a lot. I savor the things that I like about my life as it is. We make fun short-range plans, like daytrips to nearby cities/parks. Since there’s nothing I can do at the moment to speed things along, I just try to really focus on now and suck as much enjoyment as I can out of our current situation.

    5. Koala dreams*

      You can settle down in an apartment, there is no rule that says you have to change apartments every year, many landlords like to have long time, dependable people living in the apartments. Just as it’s possible to sell and buy houses every year. Just tell yourself that this is your home, and you will stay here forever. Maybe you will change your mind later, but that doesn’t matter.

    6. Meepmeep*

      You redefine “there” and hold on to the things that aren’t temporary. I get you. I moved every 2-3 years for the entirety of my 20s and 30s. None of my jobs lasted longer than 2-3 years. My current apartment is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere as an adult, and I have no idea how long we will keep living here.

      The only permanent thing in my life appears to be relationships – with my family, with my friends. I’m holding on to those, and not expecting anything else to be as permanent.

    7. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      We lived in a military town for a few years when I was growing up. Military families move frequently, so they make friends and welcome people into their community FAST. It’s rather beautiful. Instead of going, “Lets not bother, it won’t last,” they go, “It won’t last, so let’s dive right in.”

      I’m not terribly good at doing so myself, but I aspire to. So that’s my advice. Make friends! Get curtains you like! Just because you might be leaving soon is no reason not to value and invest in what you have now.

      1. Overeducated*

        I think this is the advice i needed to hear. Thank you. (And we’ve been here 3.5 years and still don’t have curtains because “we might move next year”…how did you know?!)

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Lots of people don’t have curtains because they might move next year. :) They are a classic example of something you don’t NEED so people keep waiting and never get them.

          A year is not a long time, but it’s not really a short time either. If you meet a new friend today and leave in a year, you will be richer by a year’s worth of friendship even if you never see that person again. It’s a bit like, “what would you do if today was your last day on earth?” If it is your last year in the area, make that year matter.

        2. lasslisa*

          It’s important to realize that this is your life, now, and your life is important. Not the future life you’re waiting to have but the life you have: it’s important and you’re important and it’s worth living and loving and valuing your life even if it isn’t the life you used to picture having.

  42. scared.*

    Nice cat! It reminds me of one I fostered, Coyote. He had a similar coat pattern and was SO friendly. His dad loves him so much- I can see them in his Instagram stories. His favorite thing is to post photos of how the cat wedges himself on him or between him and the couch, usually captioned with “oh no, I’m stuck!”

    I wanted to thank the commenters who validated me in the post about a coworker overstepping with the eating disorder. I spoke about my similar experience with self harm and my hope that no one would overstep there.

    It’s been challenging lately to shut down the voice that sometimes tells me doing that will make me feel better- calmer, grounded, etc. But next week I’m getting an evaluation to start a DBT group, and I know that that method is supposedly best for people who can’t always regulate their emotions.

    I have been hugging my cats a lot. They’re so soft, and my favorite, the kitten I picked out and raised from birth has hilariously disproportionate ears!

    What does the commentariat here tend to do when you want to do something because you’re upset that won’t help in the end? Like overeating or drinking or w/e.

    1. Bob*

      I’m big on acknowledging the thought, saying, ‘but I’m not going to do that’ and then finding a distraction!

    2. Not A Manager*

      I try to pay attention to how I feel when I do succumb to the temptation, and how I feel when I resist it. Invariably, succumbing is at best a temporary relief, and afterward whatever was my issue is still my issue, except I also feel bad about having succumbed. And a lot of times, if I pay attention, I don’t even feel that great WHILE I’m succumbing.

      So when I’m tempted, I try very hard to remember that in a hour, or by tomorrow morning, or whatever, all that time will have passed regardless of if I Do The Thing or if I don’t Do The Thing. And I try to get through that time without doing the thing.

      :/

    3. Granger Chase*

      One thing that works for me is that I have turned it into a conscious decision. For a while my coping mechanisms were all just on auto pilot because I was in a self preservation mode.

      Now that I recognize they are conscious decisions, I try to distract myself with something that is less self destructive. I find trying out a new, maybe semi-complicated, recipe for something healthy (or that I know I can eat in moderation) is a good way to feel productive.

      If I need to “turn my brain off” I’ll binge a few episodes or even a full season of a show. Am I being productive? No. Am I doing something to my mind or body that is detrimental to my long term health and well being? Also no.

    4. sequined histories*

      I try to do something nice for myself. Massages can be fantastic if you can afford them. I’m usually drawn into self-destructive thoughts or behaviors by putting too much pressure on myself, so doing something as simple as socializing or reading or watching TV instead of pushing myself to work more can really help me reset. I agree that pets can be very soothing and distracting. Sometimes helping someone else—assuming the task or interaction is not something that itself makes me want particularly anxious—can lower my stress. Gentle exercise, like walking, is good.
      As I get older I realize that acquiring better coping skills is a long-term process, and that I don’t have to solve All The Problems TONIGHT. I really wish I had realized that when I was younger!

  43. OperaArt*

    A frightening week. Had a breast cancer scare this week, but the radiologist is now almost certain it was a false alarm. We’re waiting back on the biopsy results.

    I was treated for early Stage 1 breast cancer almost three years ago. Lumpectomy, radiation, no chemo. I found two lumps last week. So, a visit to the oncologist, then a mammogram. The two lumps were correctly dismissed as unimportant, but the radiologist spotted something deeper.
    So, a fancier mammogram, an ultrasound, and then an ultrasound-guided needle biopsy. The deeper lump shrank as it was biopsied, which the radiologist said was a fantastic sign. In fact, he felt comfortable saying it was extremely unlikely to be anything serious. But we still have to wait for the official results early this week.

    2. WellRed*

      Hang in there! It’s scary. Had a breast cancer scare last summer, but it’s scarier if you’ve already had it once, I’m sure. Waiting on biopsy results after a colposcopy this week. Atypical cells but negative for HPV. Aging isn’t for the weak.

    3. StellaBella*

      Good luck – the shrinkage is likely because it was a fluid filled cyst. All the good vibes to you! And congrats on being a survivor, too!

    5. Kuododi*

      Blessings to you as you wait for your results. I received my diagnosis back on the week of 4th of July. The month of November was my “radiation month.” I will be keeping you in my heart and hoping for nothing but good news. Grace and Peace. Kuododi

        1. Kuododi*

          It’s improving slowly but surely. I still have nausea/vomiting, and trouble sleeping. I’ve been waking up between 4:30-5am since I first got the diagnoses. Believe me when I say historically that has Never happened in my past. Still working out with the LiveStrong program which has been an absolute wonderful support in the recovery process. You are in my heart during this painful time. You have people all around who are praying and hoping for you in a multitude of different traditions. Blessings Kuododi

    6. Lucette Kensack*

      I’ve been going through the same thing (neck, not breast). It is terrifying. We were never able to get a definitive biospy so I’m having surgery to remove whatever it is tomorrow. Best of luck to you!

    7. YHGTBK*

      Best of luck. It seems a very good sign that a health professional would say something so optimistic.

  44. Is This a Date?*

    I need dating advice!

    I am going out with an old friend on Monday. Our moms are best friends, and we both moved back to our home state recently. We are mid-late 20’s. We went to high school together and even went to prom together – the most awkward experience as we were both terrified of each other and our moms set us up. We started to be friends senior year when we broke out of our shells and continued to hang out with the same group through college. We have SORT of been in touch on and off over the last few months and have talked about getting together to catch up for a drink or dinner several times now that we’re both back home, but haven’t followed through any of those times. Recently, I had been thinking about him more and decided to reach out last week to see if he wanted to get that drink, and actually go this time. I gave him two days this coming week that worked for me, he picked the sooner day.

    The more I think about this, I think I want it to be a date. I sort of want to leave it up to him to pick the location/whether or not its dinner or a drink to get a feel of his “vibe” or intentions…but I don’t know how to go about this! Any advice wold be greatly appreciated! Have any of you gone out as friends and left as more? How do you suddenly become interested in someone have knowing them your whole lives? Is dating your mom’s best friend’s son too risky? I know they would both LOVE if somehow we fell in love and lived happily ever after…

    1. Dan*

      Just go and see what happens, try not to overthink it.

      One word of “caution”, so to speak: Guys do “friend zone” women too, and I’d say a top candidate for “friend zone” is a child hood friend with whom both moms are good friends.

      That said, if a dude friend zone’s a woman, I don’t think it’s as permanent of a state. If you just flat out ask, you’ll probably catch him off guard and not get an answer you like. To really maximize your chances, you’ll have to go out with him a few times… and flirt a bit and see how he responds. Do that and you’ll figure it out pretty quick.

      I can say that back in college, I had a true female friend for a couple of years whom I thought had potential for something else. I figured I’d feel her out a little by calling a bit more often and see how things went. She then said to me, “you’ve been calling a bit more frequently. We’re just friends, right?” (Talk about a rhetorical question.) In your case, I’d advise a similar approach. Text a bit more (not a ton, just a bit). Try to hang out more. Flirt. He’ll figure it out.

      1. Is This a Date?*

        I am trying not to overthink it and keep telling myself “play it cool”. I swear I think I can do that. We haven’t been talking much or at all since we made the plan earlier in the week, though in between the time that I wrote the comment and now, he texted trying to plan specifics for the night. Luckily dry January is over so I can have a glass of wine or two and relax and be a little flirty hahah

        1. Gaia*

          Between now and the drinks try sending him a quick text. Just a “hey how’s it going” vibe. It helps indicate interest and then your light flirting can clue him into it being more than friends interest.

        2. Auntie Social*

          If this first un-date goes well, see if there’s any touching, flirting, etc. If there is, say this went well, should we go on a date and see how that goes? And be prepared for any answer: yes, no (including not right now), and I dunno.

    2. Anon Here*

      There’s a lot of reverse psychology involved in the whole dating thing. Usually, when I hang out with a guy and make it clear that I just want to be bro’s, he finds me attractive and really wants to date. I mean I’ll be like, “Yeah, meet me at the bar. I’m here playing pool with the bro’s.” And I’m wearing baggy clothes, looking my manliest, and I just treat him like a friend. And that’s somehow irresistable.

      On the other hand, if I really like a guy and I let that show by acting more flirty and treating things more like dates, it seems to be unappealing.

      One could interpret that cynically, but I think the truth is that confidence is attractive and I act more confident when I just want to be friends. I don’t think it’s even a gender thing. I also feel more attracted to guys who aren’t trying to impress me.

      This may be different for different people.

      But, going by my own experience, I say relax and be friends. Feel the vibe in person. Have a good time and try not to get too caught up in the attractedness feelings initially (which is really hard but possible). And, ya know, see what happens. Because if the feeling is mutual, you have nothing to worry about.

    3. Nom de Plume*

      Maybe it’s because I’m 40 and tired of nonsense, but if I were going out with a guy and I wasn’t sure if it was a date or not, I’d ask him outright if it’s a date. You can say it playfully and with a smile if you seem to be hitting it off. If he seems awkward or weird or throws off a strong “friend” vibes you can skip asking. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking outright. I know a lot of people will clutch their pearls at the thought of asking a straightforward question or openly saying what you want, but like I said, I’m too old for reverse psychology and acting disinterested etc. :)

      1. Anon PhD*

        In my 30s and I am also a fan of the direct approach, I like how you suggested this can be done. Being direct takes some bravery and practice, but hasn’t failed me yet.

        1. Is This a Date?*

          Thank you! Since I wrote my comment, we were figuring out what we should do and I suggested drinks and he suggested dinner, so we’re doing dinner! I do like being direct, the only thing that makes me want to sit back and get a sense of what he thinks is that we have known each other for so long and though I haven’t seen him in several years, our parents are extremely close and their lives are relatively intertwined. I don’t want to play games or act disinterested, etc., I just don’t want to make any assumptions about his intentions before feeling it out first. Thanks for your advice!!

  45. matcha123*

    It appears there there are a number of people who think that if one isn’t blathering on about some topic that they are completely ignorant.
    As an example, years ago a friend invited me to play futsal with a group she found that met weekly. I used to play soccer as a kid and was quite good at it, so I was happy to take her up on her offer.
    After going to a few meets, my friend invites herself over to my neighborhood to teach me how to properly kick a ball. I played soccer all through elementary school and a bit in middle school. I was a top player on the teams I played for. I can’t run as well as I used to, but I know how to kick a ball.
    When I explained all of this, her reply was, “But you can’t explain how to kick a ball like Joe can, and you don’t use technical soccer language…plus you don’t watch soccer matches and don’t know the top players…”, as if knowing how to explain to other people how to kick a ball was a requirement of being a good soccer player.

    Most of the people around me don’t share my hobbies. I don’t talk about my hobbies all that much, and when I do, I try to use inclusive language so anyone who isn’t familiar can still follow what I’m saying. Even with experts I prefer to leave technicalities behind.
    I am stunned that there are people that think that you need to sound or act a certain way to be perceived as knowledgeable in any field. It’s also hugely disappointing that someone would think less of me as, say, a photographer, because I don’t sprinkle my sentences with talk about f-stops or apertures.

    Are you guys like that?

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Honestly too much jargon when not required (as in when not talking to other people in the field in a context where precision is required or it speeds up communication) doesn’t make you sound knowledgeable, it makes you sound pompous. If anything, being able to explain it in layman’s terms proves true mastery of a subject.
      As for your friend…She sounds like a bit of a snob.

        1. Anon Here*

          Yeah, I think she’s being sexist. A lot of women are. And some also ‘splain. I say she’s not that cool and not a good friend. Snob right back at her and go hang out with people who respect you.

          1. Lora*

            Agree. Some people have this image in their minds of what constitutes Expert (e.g. scientists are bald guys in white coats, athletes are big male football players, etc) and anyone who doesn’t fit that image is Not That. It doesn’t even have to be a racist or sexist thing – sometimes it’s just, the first (whatever) they ever met were a certain way, so that’s the standard.

  46. redheadedscientist*

    Hi all! This is sparked by the letter yesterday about the person who wanted to switch to going by her middle name. Lots of commenters talked about switching names at work. I recently (legally) changed my name (first and last) when I started a new job. It was pretty easy to change things with HR and introduce myself to my coworkers with my new name. However, I have no idea how to tell my family, and I’m hoping some of you have advice! For context, I’m a 24-year old women. I live in a different state and I’m not financially depended. I changed my name because my first name was old fashioned and didn’t fit me and my last name was an innuendo. I’m perfectly fine with them calling me by my old name. They know I wasn’t happy with my name but I doubt they thought I’d change it. I just don’t want to hurt them.

    1. fposte*

      I also think it’s fine if you don’t tell your family if you don’t want to and don’t care how you’re addressed by them. However, depending on your family, often the way to do this is to go breezy. “Hey, just letting you know that I legally changed my name to make things easier at work [if you think that’s a useful tweak to the truth]–I thought I should let you know in case you ever got any mail for me under that name. But within the family I’m still happy to answer to Sophronia Sexxxaaay.” If you get people saying “But we loved that name, and don’t you want to share our name?” you might address the subtext overtly with “I love you very much and our family is very important to me. This is just a legal change about how I’m referred to elsewhere.”

      1. redheadedscientist*

        I mean my mom kept her maiden name (her dad died when she was young) so it’s not like we all have the same last name anyways! Thanks for the advice!

          1. redheadedscientist*

            I doubt my parents would cut me off but I have a job and I’ve been paying all of my rent and bills for several years now. I would only need financial help if I lost my job or wrecked my car or had a major health issue.

    2. Aphrodite*

      If people are determined to be hurt, they will be. You can’t stop.

      When I legally changed my first, middle and last names in 1989 it was an interesting experience. No one expected it because I hadn’t talked to anyone about it before I did it. My parents may have been deeply hurt, though they never said anything to me. But it did take them years before they kept using the name they had given me. One of my siblings, a younger sister, took deep offense to it, however, and kept accusing me of wanting to not be part of the family and wanting to disown them. (My name change was for me alone; no other considerations entered into it.) It took years before she came around and, ironically, she uses her middle name now without having changed it legally to her first.

      Government documents were easy; they are used to name changes. Banks and other financial institutions required official copies of my court order. Thankfully, I had gotten about 15 of those to have for just for things like that. Oddly, the most difficult of all, by far, was Cox Cable, my at-the-time cable company. It took several days, muitple calls and one in-person visit before I reached the general manager who said, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about; let me turn you over to my assistant who will take care of this.” (Previous reps and managers refused to do it unless I paid a $25 fee to change the name on the account because, apparently, changing names on accounts had been a way for college students to avoid bills. Never mind I had been a good customer for at least ten years.)

      I rarely bring it up because I don’t want to bore people. But when people do find out they are mostly fascinated When and why are the most common questions. I’m always happy to talk about it, and I am so, so, so happy I did it. I feel like my new name which is beautiful.

      1. redheadedscientist*

        I love my new name! And like I said, I’m totally fine with (and would even prefer) my family calling me my old name. Getting everything changed legally has actually been fairly easy, although I’m a bit nervous about filing taxes this year. Thanks for sharing your story.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      All good advice. One more thought… I have my (insert family member who just got remarried) as a point of contact for phone as a emergency backup plus next of kin (HR and medical system), and part beneficiary (insurance co). I went in and updated name via the appropriate website(s).
      Not having your correct name – especially if you changed both – might be a little more difficult if someone was trying to reach you, and family didn’t know your new name for forms. Just a thought.

  47. Buttons*

    I have a little 12-acre hobby farm, just north of Dallas. We have 36 chickens, 2 rescue cats, 2 rescue dogs, 2 rescue donkeys, 2 rescue goats, and now we have 2 Dexter heifers, and one is pregnant! My little hobby farm is turning into a lot of work!

    1. fposte*

      I’ve never even heard of Dexters–they’re very cute! I wouldn’t have the energy for a hobby farm, but I kind of miss my neighbor’s chickens (they moved away); I doubt I’d actually get some but the thought has crossed my mind.

    2. Pippa K*

      This is exactly the sort of hobby farm we hope to have in the next few years! Can I ask what you find the hardest vs most rewarding parts?

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      That’s awesome! Definitely a life goal of mine.

      Right now, we live on a 1/4 acre lot in town with 3 cats, 2 rescue German Shepherd mixes, and 5 chickens. Nigerian Dwarf goats and a miniature donkey are on my list for when we can get a bigger place! Also rabbits, and my fiance wants bees.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Once and future hobby beekeeper’s wife here, in case you have questions down the line.
        (One key piece of advice colon when he takes the plunge and orders equipment, get him some second-hand pans for processing beeswax. Otherwise the kitchen can get raided, and that stuff is hard on metal. And harder to clean off.)

  48. Ehlers Danlos resources?*

    A friend just learned an adult family member has been diagnosed with ED, and says that diagnosis could explain so much. Some family members are getting tested, given the genetic component & recognition of some aspects.

    You folks are so knowledgeable, do you have resources to recommend for people starting out on this journey?

    Wandering

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Ehlers Danlos (sp?) goes with hypermobility and similar issues which would express in family members.

    4. CoffeeFriend*

      These are not medical resources, but more entertainment: the BBC has a great Podcast called Ouch! Disability Talk, co-presented by a woman with ED. And there is a quirky book about healing from pain written by a woman with it called Heal Me by Julia buckley.

    5. Alicip*

      The National Marfan Foundation has lots of resources, conferences, and events. Looks like folks with ED are welcome.

    6. misspiggy*

      Ehlers Danlos dot com and dot org; the EDS subreddit; and local EDS Facebook groups are all very helpful. As is this open thread – I recently got inspired to get a corset due to another bendy AAM poster, and it’s made a huge difference.

      1. Wandering*

        Thanks. It was your comments on finding the corset so helpful that caught my attention, & made me think to ask here.

  49. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Still on the fanfiction for me, it’s going kinda well? I think I’ve figured out how I want to get where I want to go to, but…Well, we’ll see as the project develops.

    1. Hazy Days*

      Good, thank you!

      I’ve been actively writing over recent weeks – and not just writing, but submitting to journals. I’m part of a new writers’ group, and it’s really helping push me forward to try new approaches and seek publication.

      That said, I’m expecting that submissions will result in a whole flurry of rejections over the next few months, and I’m hoping my group will sustain me through the rejection process.

    2. Bibliovore*

      I have a new assignment. I am need to write, right now. Procrastinating. I am going to start in an hour.

    3. Troutwaxer*

      I’ve taken a break from the novel and ended up writing a very disturbing short story about the origins of my current Dungeons and Dragons character, a necrophiliac necromancer who grew up with an insolated group of Elder God worshipers. Probably not everyone’s cup of tea – trigger warnings like crazy – but I’m happy with it.

    4. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’m going through my old journals and putting ideas I’d previously highlighted and put them on index cards.

      I also found the draft of my poem about alien abductions in the future, and will push words around that for a bit this weekend. (Basically, need to trim 10-20% of the words out of it.)

      Also going to work on issue #3 of my zine for a bit.

    5. Junimo the Hutt*

      I don’t know if it was here that I saw it mentioned but I started the Artist’s Way last Sunday and I’ve kept up with it since then. Haven’t done any writing outside of the morning pages, but I’ve been focusing on the exercises. If nothing else, it’s making me feel more mindful. Opting to start it two weeks before going on a big, busy family vacation was a Choice™, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m a little embarrassed to talk about it in namespace, so I figured I’d just tell the kind strangers here.

      1. Hazy Days*

        Oh, that’s great! I’ve found it really helpful and I think it’s worth trying one or two of the weekly exercises too.

  50. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I went back to some Ys 1 (Chronicles version on the PS Vita). I just beat the first boss, so weee!

    1. Lucien Nova*

      Been getting back to Devil May Cry 5 – very excited about the port of 3 that’s coming to the Switch late this month, so I’m trying to channel that squee. *vibrates with excitement*

    2. Vaguebook*

      I’ve been putting a ton of hours into My Time at Portia lately but I’m getting a little tired of it.

      I recently got xbox game pass so there’s a lot of options but I’m having trouble choosing.

  51. Free Meerkats*

    Great windstorm here near Seattle yesterday. Peak gust at my house was 28 mph. One small power blip here, had to reset a couple of electronic things. Sadly, half the cover on my carport departed. I was planning on doing some repairs today, now I’ve just ordered a new one.

    1. Windchime*

      I live in the same area, and we had quite a little monsoon here this morning. The wind was whipping as it was pouring down rain. I’m lucky that I got to keep my power; no blips, even. Fingers crossed that it lasts.

    2. Gatomon*

      I think I’ve inherited your windstorm… gusts up to 60mph today. All seems okay in town, but there are power outages in the more rural areas all across the state, and in some places where it gusts worse the highways have been closed.

      I actually feel very confused, since normally this time of year we’d have this wind with a large snowstorm. Instead it’s near 50-degrees and there are peeks of sun between the clouds. I’m soothing my climate change anxiety with food.

  52. NerdyKris*

    Hello Humphrey!
    I lost my two girls last year. The had FIV, and after Jackie passed from a gum infection she couldn’t shake, her sister Janet went downhill and developed multiple tumors within 3 months and had to go join Jackie. The tumors were not the result of my terrible taste in movies, despite what Janet told everyone at the vet.

    It’s been six months but I’ve been too afraid to get new kitties. What if they think I’m weird and don’t want to be my friends? How am I supposed to choose just two? Jackie and Janet chose me when I went to the shelter and asked if they had two kitties that really needed a home. I’m not in that area anymore though.

    So if anyone has recommendations for a shelter in the southern New Hampshire area that has a pair of best friend kitties that need a human, let me know.

    1. Selmarie*

      Cats are very adaptable to people’s weirdnesses (I should know) and are also very good at subtly training people to get what they want — it’s why we love them! Maybe call around to a couple of local shelters and tell them what you’re looking for and that you’re happy to take your time to find them. Or foster, and be willing to be a foster fail (it’s not hard!). I am sure you will be happily snuggling two (or more?) kitties in no time!

    2. Windchime*

      Unless you’re mean, they will want to be your friends. I found my old kitty when I went to the shelter and he picked me, too. He had very common markings, so he wasn’t a beautiful stand-out or anything, but when I picked him up, he put his arms around my neck and snuggled up. Done.

      It’s kind of scary to get new kitties when the old ones are gone, but I found that it actually helps me to heal. After old kitty died, I waited a few months. I was going to wait longer, but then my daughter-in-law made me hold a tiny little foster kitty and……done. Once I hold them, I am sunk.

      Good luck. I’m sorry about your girls passing on.

    3. tangerineRose*

      If you can find a shelter/adoption place that makes sure the cats are “fixed” and have had up-to-date vet care, that’s a good sign.

      I’d suggest asking to meet 2 bonded young adult cats, maybe 2 or 3 or older if you want – 2 and 3 year old kitties are pretty lively.

      As far as whether they like you, can you find a shelter that lets you hang out with kitties for a while and find out how they feel about you? Maybe plan to go there a few or several times to wait for kitties to choose you? You sound like the kind of person who would be liked by most cats, so it probably won’t take that long, but I agree; it’s nice to have a kitty choose you. One of my kitties took a while to choose me – I spent some time at the adoption place hanging out with him, and he went from being shy to being friendly, but now that he has chosen me, he’s sure that I’m his human.

    4. mreasy*

      We adopted a bonded pair – I second that recommendation. It’s often harder for them to find homes together and you’ll be helping some good kitties who love each other stay together. I was nervous too after losing my old lady and old fella, and nobody will ever be like them, but we have two new weird great loving cats now.

    5. Penny Parker*

      My new kitty picked me, although he would have gone home with anyone who fed him. I found him in the woods on the edge of town where he had been dumped. He obviously was raised in a hotel room; he was found near the hotels the homeless live at (my granddaughter lives in one of them). He only knew beds and bathrooms when I found him, and he took territorial claim on both from my older, much more peaceful cat.

      He was only four months old when I got him, but he was also obviously trained to fight on a bed; it can get scary with him! He got on my bed last night and went for my face, almost getting my eye scratched. I’ve had him for four months now so half his life, and he is getting more peaceful as he grows past his kittenhood.

      I am very glad I found him. He makes me very happy and brings a lot of laughter. We got a nice, three-level cage for him and he feels very secure in it and it helps him calm down when he is feisty. When we found him he was *extremely* loud, so my partner named him Silent Sam, and he barely ever cries now. He is fat and happy; he had been starving.

      I took him to my vet before bringing him home, and she got rid of all the parasites he was carrying, and tested him for major illnesses. He is healthy now and happy. That makes me happy, too!

    6. HQB*

      If you search on petfinder for cats, and put “and” into the search box for name it will show you bonded pairs who need to be adopted together (along with cats with names like “Amanda” and “Bandit”).

    7. GoryDetails*

      If you haven’t already, check out Kitty Angels. They foster cats, bring them in to selected pet stores for adoption days (the southern-Nashua Petsmart is the one I’ve been to), and will try to indicate if they have bonded pairs who’d like to stay together. There’s a lot of variety in the cats they have on hand at any given time, of course; last fall they had quite a few kittens and young cats – and I got a lovely (and lively) pair of year-old black cats who are siblings, either sleeping atop each other or kicking the daylights out of each other. At other times they may have more senior cats – but sometimes there’ll be a bonded pair of those, needing a home after an owner died or had to downsize to non-pet-friendly housing. Do check ’em out!

  53. Gaia*

    Can anyone give me advise on how I can support a friend dealing with miscarriages?

    As someone that’s never experienced it and that doesn’t want kids, I know I can’t really understand how difficult this is. I mean, I know it’s horrible and sad and she is grieving. But I also know I don’t really “get it” if that makes sense.

    I want to offer her support in a way that doesn’t further burden her. Any ideas?

    1. Harriet Vane*

      Hi Gaia. As this friend, the best thing my friends who didn’t understand what I was going through for whatever reason (no kids, or no losses of their own) did was to show up in meaningful ways. To recognize that I was grieving, to not try to fix things (there’s no fixing any of this, it sucks; sometimes life just sucks for no reason), and to just be there for me. Spend time with her and carry the conversation. Listen and acknowledge how hard it is. Be okay with her not being fun to be around.

      If you can be that safe friend who doesn’t expect her to put on her happy face for the world, it will mean a lot in the long run.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks, this insight is really helpful. I do want her to know she is fine to feel her feelings, whatever they are. There’s no need to censor them on my account.

        1. Harriet Vane*

          I realized I didn’t give you any concrete things: I found (find) that when I’m fragile either making something or doing something can be helpful, and inviting her to do those things with you is a way to be supportive. Arts, crafts, music, cooking/baking, etc. Also if you and the friend enjoy being active, that is also good, especially low-impact things like walking/hiking because sometimes miscarriage can mess with one’s relationship with one’s body. Finally, adults-only spaces are good, for obvious reasons.

          Really, whatever you both enjoy doing is good. I personally tend to avoid media (social as well as TV/movies) because I never know when a pregnancy will show up and be taken for granted to result in a baby.

          Best of luck to your friend in her journey. It sounds like you are a good friend to her.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Let me pitch some practical help as well. I was at my folks’ for Christmas vacation when I had my miscarriage and I was so glad not to have to DO anything for awhile. Would she like a nice home-cooked meal (in her house) or a GrubHub gift card? A voucher for a maid service? A date night with her partner?

      I think a key thing is just offering to be there for her, whether she wants to talk about it or not. If so, you can be a listening ear, and if not, you can provide some distraction. Just being an easy, low-pressure presence. The people who were best at this were my brother’s kids, interestingly. They came and gave us hugs and said they were sorry and it sucked, and then just sat with us while we watched TV. It was so great and so healing.

    3. Randomity*

      It’s a bereavement in which you never met the person you’ve lost, so you don’t have proper memories of them to fall back on, and if they don’t already have living kids they’ve lost the parent identity to the outside world.

      I mean, it’s not always horrific and unbearable, but it’s taken me literally a decade to get to a place where I can somewhat accept what happened, and even now I still struggle to be around pregnant women/newborn babies and I hate scan photos very much because of the painful associations.

      Some people can get it. Some people can’t. And whether you’re a parent/want kids has very little to do with whether you get it or not in my experience.

      I think all you can do is treat your friend exactly how you’d treat her if she’d suffered the loss of any other family member and be led by her.

    4. Salymander*

      I had a miscarriage and then maybe 6 months later I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I almost died. What I found really comforting was when a friend didn’t try to talk me out of being sad and would just spend time with me, doing something we both enjoyed. This was helpful especially because some of my friends just pulled away and disappeared on me for about a year while this was going on. They were pregnant, and I think they felt weird about my problems. The friends that stuck around were a real support, even if we didn’t really talk much about it all. Just spending time together was enough to distract me from feeling quite so sad and hopeless.

      I think it is really great that you are trying to be a good friend.

    5. Marzipan*

      Mainly just acknowledging that it sucks. The things that tend to be unhelpful, for someone in this situation, are all the cheery ‘oh, it just wasn’t meant to be,’ ‘at least you know you can get pregnant, you can try again’ kind of stuff. It tends to come across as though pregnancies are both easy and interchangeable, which is not really the case.

      With my second miscarriage (which was an extremely long-drawn-out business that took almost a month between when I knew it was going to happen and when it actually got started), I became completely obsessed with Keeping Up with the Kardashians – something I’d never watched or given a toss about before. And ultimately, the reason I found it so calming and reassuring was that it was completely undemanding. It was like there were a bunch of people hanging out in my house but none of them wanted anything from me and they were quite content to just distract me without me needing to be involved at all. I remain oddly grateful to them for it, years later. So, I’m not saying ‘be like a Kardashian’ exactly, but mindless distraction which asks nothing of her may be helpful.

  54. bessoftwo*

    My sister has finally set the date for her wedding! Late June, New England, clambake and bonfire on the beach. I have ….no idea what to wear. I’m a jeans-and-sweaters kind of woman, and when I have to dress up, I tend to go for suits for than sundresses.

    Maybe an embroidered linen skirt and a colorful sweater?

    1. WellRed*

      Does it only come in white and is that Ok with the bride? Not sure where in New England you are, but yes to the sweater. Maybe linen pants?

    2. Lena Clare*

      That skirt’s lovely, but check your sister isn’t wearing white or a pale cream or something otherwise it’s a bit too bridal
      But an embroidered skirt with a colourful warm jumper sounds good!

    3. Auntie Social*

      Plain linen skirt, tan/nat linen color, white linen blouse, wide belt, espadrilles, any sweater you think is good—maybe one of her colors. No to a white skirt.

    4. Call me St. Vincent*

      June in New England can be 95 degrees or 68 degrees so I would bear that in mind and dress in layers! That being said, I would avoid white. If you aren’t into dresses, would you consider a jumpsuit? Here are a couple inexpensive ones I found (that are also on sale right now!):

      https://www.loft.com/twist-front-cap-sleeve-jumpsuit/535909?skuId=29335800&defaultColor=2222&catid=cat2920014&selectedColor=2222

      https://www.loft.com/loft-beach-floral-ruffle-sleeve-jumpsuit/513302?skuId=28796312&defaultColor=0473&catid=catl000048&selectedColor=0473

      I love jumpsuits because you don’t have to worry about matching separates and you can sit down without worrying about being exposed.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Plan ahead on your shoes: on a beach flats are critical. Personally I also prefer sandals so I’m not dealing with sand in my shoes.
      Find. Out more about the location–is this a restaurant on the beach with full modern restrooms? Or will she be renting a state park pavillion, with more primitive facilities? If the latter, steer clear of jumpsuits. Not fun negotiating sandy porta-lets.
      Maybe you can find a party modification of the suits you usually like for dressing up–look for cruisewear, maybe. Palazzo pants with a long, Hollywood flowing jacket?

  55. Home renovation help, please.*

    I need words.
    First of all- how long should a new kitchen tile floor using professional contractor and hi-end tile should last?
    I love my contractor most of the time.
    He built our porch- my favorite place in the whole house.
    Redid our roof.
    Helped finish the wood flooring.
    Then made our kitchen.
    He is pricier than other contractors but pays his workers well etc.
    Everything in the kitchen worked out fine. A few surprises but he fixed each thing and we paid the money when the unexpected thing was not his fault.
    The kitchen floor was finished with tile and it was uneven. I felt super picky but felt strongly.
    He said, “you don’t want me to rip the whole thing out, do you?”
    I said yes.
    He said he would just do part that looked like it sloped at an angle.
    I said okay.
    The tile in the foyer that he/tiler installed started crumbling within a year. It turned out that the underneath needed redoing. He redid it with no charge.
    The kitchen floor where he didn’t redo is crumbling. About one 1/3 of the tile.
    Since August he has promised to make arrangements to redo.
    We agreed that it was the underflooring that was the problem and we would pay for that.
    He texts that he will be bringing the tiler around soon.
    First week in Nov. when he was open, Dec. oh in Jan.
    They have never come.
    Do I just give up?
    Hire someone else?
    Rip up the whole thing and start over?
    Do you have words to use to communicate with him?

    1. Selmarie*

      I would hire someone else. He never should have tiled over a bad subfloor — what a waste of time, materials, and money! He or his tile contractor should have known better, so I wouldn’t trust them any further. As for holding him responsible financially, that is a separate subject and could be complicated.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you give up, don’t ever use this guy for anything again. Really.

      I assume that the floors are ceramic tile? I think that should last like almost forever. But there’s lots of tile types out there so I can’t judge on all of them.
      You don’t mention the time frame here but I will assume that it’s a few years or less.

      You can try one last time then report him to the BBB, maybe your states AG office or maybe you can take him to court. All of these things probably mean your business relationship is over. He won’t work for you again.

      Or you can decide that everything else is okay, it’s just the tiling. You can take it as a loss and find someone else to come in and redo the whole thing. Tiling is difficult and not every contractor wants to do tiling. My friend who helped me with my house and did some really tough stuff, said “no way” on tiling. I appreciated his candor. I hired another person to tile the backsplash in my kitchen. I am very happy with it. The person who did the work, not so much. So my friend and I were trying to figure out why he was not happy with his own work. We could not figure it out. Tilling is tough.

      I think I would bring in another contractor and ask what they think. This time really research to find who is good. Get this person’s opinion of what needs to be done and later decide how to handle the situation with the contractor who did this. Offer to pay them for their time spent looking at it. If you decide to do this route then find someone who has been doing tiling for a long time, say 20 years or more. You want someone who has seen all kinds of stuff and fixed all kinds of stuff with tile.

      1. Home renovation*

        Thank you. Yes, its been two years. Complicating things, the contractor is a neighbor about 3 blocks over. I will talk it over with the husband. I know it sounds like wishful thinking but he had always made things right before. Oh and did an emergency carpeting over a weekend when the downstairs flooded and my husband was due home from a knee replacement. So. Perhaps talk about our positive past experience and prospective timeline?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Sure, if you want to keep the guy and make the relationship work for the sake of future business, yeah.

          By talking about the positive past, you are reconnecting and building common ground. This is an important step because it sets a tone and shows your frame of mind. He will be less apt to think you are “coming AT him.”

          Showing understanding is another good step. “In the process of reading and talking to others, I really understand that tiling can be quite tricky.”

          Then offer a suggestion of how the two of you can move forward. “I would really like us to [fill this part in with specifics].” Here notice the use of the inclusive word “us”. You can even say things like, “I don’t see this as the end of the world, I’d like us to get a good solution in here. I/we have really liked your work and we have no plan to stop doing business with you over this. We just want to fix this.” I have even added, “eh, crap happens when a person tries to do things.”

          For you, I say, watch how he handles this. It’s tough. People make mistakes. My friend helps me with my house and we have had a few misunderstandings. We got through the misunderstandings by compromising. Some of the compromises tipped in his favor and some tipped in my favor. Because it’s a long term business relationship, over time it equals out. I am a big fan of getting with a company or business person and STAYING with them.

          I have told my friend, “I would prefer that we work through this problem here because I want us to keep working together.” Institutional learning. He has done so much work on this house and he knows so many of the idiosyncrasies that if something goes wrong he can quickly figure out what and go directly to fixing it. This is because of years of building familiarity with my house. I save huge money on labor because it takes him about 5 minutes now to figure out what is wrong and how to correctly fix it. (My house is on a swamp. It floats, things move, like walls move and lead to interesting situations.)

          In the same vein, he knows me and he knows the types of things I get concerned about. We just had an example the other day. He installed something and without even asking he knew I wanted him to put rounded corners on the item. He knew I would say the sharp, pointy corners are a safety hazard. So he just rounded the corners as a matter of course.

          I know that I have huge amounts of cost savings because of the long term relationship and my friend knows that I will keep doing business with him. We both win.

          1. contractor woes*

            Thank you. He is a really great person. I just think things got away from him. I like your language.
            “In the process of reading and talking to others, I really understand that tiling can be quite tricky.”
            We will probably not use him again because we are on the tail end of our life in this house. Due to physical issues, we will move somewhere on one floor, no stairs. Perhaps even a condo. I would like to get the house in shape to sell.

    3. Orange You Glad*

      “What will it take to get the floor done this week?”

      “If you’re not able to get the floor redone by [X date 2 weeks away], then unfortunately you’ll have lost us as customers.”

      “Will you redo the floor? If you’re not going to, I’d rather know now so I can hire someone else instead of continuing to wait for you.”

      “I know this floor situation has been frustrating for all of us. What will it take to get it fixed by next weekend?”

      “You’ve done so much great work for us over the past X months/years and we love hiring you! Unfortunately this tile situation has become untenable and if you’re not able to fix it by next Saturday, we will have lost us as loyal customers and we’ll hire someone else.”

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Use silence and waiting for a response, too. I often fill in options, that are less than optimal because I’m afraid to ask for what I want. So use the good script(s) about not acceptable work, common goals and former success, and ask him how he will fix it. Don’t let him off the hook at first, don’t compromise.
      Example. I bought a used toyota from a dealership. They had cleaned off the engine but not fixed the oil leak. That was picked up by my good regular mechanic, who does work for a lot of dealerships, and said “this is not acceptable; they should have fixed it before selling it. Take it back and tell them that.” I am not good at this, but money is the one thing that will stiffen my spine, and I believe in fairness and justice.
      So I went and talked to them, with the owner there alongside the manager, and explained that my (named him) mechanic had pointed out that this was not an acceptable situation. What were they going to do to fix it… and stopped. Waited. Let them confer.
      They apologized (they had subbed out the engine work). The dealer fixed it. Turns out it was an expensive repair. (Not for me). They never used that sub again.
      Had I asked for or offered an interim/ half way compromise, or said any of my usual waffly words, I would have been dismissed or the best solution not offered.
      Silence works to at least get the best answer he can give. Then go to your fallback, someone else, need to write this off if you don’t like his answer or can’t trust it. But it’s good practice either way.

    5. Home renovation help, thank you*

      Sent him an email with a picture of the floor with just the language you all have provided.
      He just sent back a very apologetic note. We will meet and solve this in two weeks. (I am out of town for business next week)
      I have a good feeling.
      Will report back.

  56. UtOh!*

    Ever since going into menopause I’ve had these aches in my hips and knees, and sometimes the front of my thighs feel numb. The feelings come and go and can remain for a few days at a time. I’m not very active and have a sedentary job which does not help but I never felt this way before menopause (I’m 54). I’m going to an orthopedist in a few weeks, but I’m wondering if this could be some type of inflammatory response I’m dealing with. Can anyone relate?

    1. Anonymatic Yo-Yo*

      I’m in chemically-induced menopause and can relate, especially to the numb thighs. Its not every day though, some days are ok, but it is an odd feeling. And the aches come and go from different areas, like today it is shoulders and hands but last week it was my knees. For some other reasons I am also very sedentary right now, but do manage to walk small amounts. Not sure if it helps physically but it sure helps emotionally!

      Have you tried curcumin capsules? They can help a lot of the aches and pains of this state, or at least smooth the path a bit!

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      The thigh numbness thing is meralgia paresthetica – it’s from compression of the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve. It’s a nerve that’s only function is sensation to the skin. It can be caused by tight clothing including esp underwear and pants, wearing belts, body changes from child birth, and weight gain. Mostly they recommend finding the most likely cause and trying to remedy that (eg, looser pants or less constricting underwear).

    3. Teacher*

      When I had joint pain after my hysterectomy, the ob/gyn said it was lack of estrogen. I drank soy milk for a while and that helped. Caveat: some doctors say that soy milk, being like estrogen, could cause cancer, but my breast cancer doc said he was fine with it.

      1. KMK*

        When I asked my breast cancer doc about soy, he asked me if I was moving to China. Then he asked how often I ate it–I eat tofu probably once a week, and he said that was fine.

  58. OyHiOh*

    It’s been a busy couple weeks! In the past two weeks, I’ve submitted three paintings to an emerging artists show, read at two open mics, and performed in a variety show. And I’m about half done with my Sketchbook project too.

    Link to brag album to follow in comments.

    On the “nope, not coping so well” front, I’ve developed a maladaptive habit of staying up until midnight every night because somehow, my brain has decided that seeing my 2019 memories at midnight is better than seeing them at a reasonable hour in the morning. Haven’t quite figured out how to deal with that one so just rolling with it for now.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        thank you for sharing – and your words are so strong and powerful.

        I am also having some waves of staying up (brain busy). But I’ve been getting up 5 minutes earlier the next morning (even when it feels tough) as I’ve heard it is suppose to reset my circadian clock somehow when I start that “up later, sleep later” cycle.

        I let myself go with it – let brain process (but write down the worries, don’t hoard and mull them…consign them to paper for tomorrow). But I do get up that 5 minutes earlier and promise myself a nap if needed. I sometimes do need it, but I find it often really works at that reset.

        You have a lot going on!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Staying up to midnight: Eh, at this point does it matter that much? It seems to me that you have come so far in a year that whatever this is that it, too, will work out. It’s just your process for this loss. If you experience another substantial loss you may or may not do this staying up to midnight step again. Just as losses are different, so is the way we process each one.

      I think it’s reasonable to assume that at some point you will have an evening where you catch yourself saying, “Dang, I am TIRED. I am going to bed now.” And you’ll be in bed by 10 or 9.

      If it bothers you, you could try some Sleepy Time Tea or, I dunno, reading the instructions for the IRS 1040. The latter has worked well for me.

      I kind of thought of it as car accident syndrome. After a car accident my whole body and mind felt jarred, like an electrical shock, but without the electricity. About midnight or later I was able to calm down enough to think about sleep. In the morning I’d wake up and start the whole process again.

      One thing I had to do early on was a little exercise walking from empty room to empty room. Nope, he’s not here, nope he’s not in this room either. This sounds really stupid but I had to do it because I was afraid I would fall asleep and wake up thinking I had forgotten to check on him. Then I would have face my loss like it was all brand new again. I couldn’t keep losing him over and over. I am not that strong. So, irl, I went from room to room and made myself look at the empty rooms. I did it during daylight hours because daylight comforted me. This did help me to settle down. And I never woke up jarred by the thought that I had forgotten to check on him.
      Maybe there is something buried in this story for you? Or may be not.

    3. Sparkly Lady*

      I wish we lived in a similar place because I’m also a Jewish performing artist. I always feel so inspired by your posts and updates of your creative work.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Aww, thank you! I’ve got growing dreams and ambitions for myself. Perhaps one day we’ll find ourselves in the same place :)

  59. Long drives*

    I have a bunch of long, boring drives ahead of me. Indulge me in a common question: got any new podcasts for me to try?

    I will share ALL mine in the hopes that these titles might give others ideas, too.

    My dealbreakers: sound quality must be very good, editing must be done well
    Things I try to avoid: podcast hosts who go off on tangents

    Podcasts I listen to regularly: 30 for 30 from ESPN, 99% invisible, Backstory, Conan O’Brien needs a friend, Criminal, Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History, Endless Thread, Hidden Brain, Inside Trader Joe’s, Invisibilia, It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, Make Me Smart, The Moth, Nice Try!, Radio Lab (incl the Dolly Parton and More Perfect mini series), Reply All, This American Life, Slow Burn, You are not so smart, You must remember this. If NPR has put it out, I’ve probably listened to it.

    I love the six-or-so episode runs like Serial, The Dream, Bad Blood.

    Listened to but haven’t gotten into love yet: Bad Batch, The RFK Tapes, Behind the Bastards, Bundyville, Caliphate, Dear Franklin Jones, Death in Ice Valley, Dope Labs, Factually!, Flash Forward, Lore, Mobituaries, Ologies, The Science of Happiness, Science vs., Snap Judgment, Spectacular Failures, Swindled

    Ones I tried but don’t like: Cults, Gilmore Guys, Go Fact Yourself, The History Chicks, Missing & Murdered, Reckonings, The Turnaround, Under the Influence, Night Vale, Something was wrong, My Favorite Murder, Uncover, The Strong Towns Podcast

    3. Grace*

      No Such Thing As A Fish?

      The folks that work behind the scenes at BBC’s QI finding all the weird and wonderful facts all each pick their favourite fact of the week and discuss it.

      It depends what you mean by ‘hosts who go off on tangents’ – each person has researched different aspects of the fact, so it wanders around a little as they discuss it. For example, this week there was a fact about the number of Athenians who self-reported having a swimming pool for the new pool tax being a couple of hundred compared to the thousands who actually have pools. It became a discussion on the history of Greek taxes, other countries that hate tax, swimming pool chlorination, Clint Eastwood having a job digging swimming pools, and a couple of other things. When beginning their research, some researched weird taxes, some researched swimming pools, some researched tax dodging… They’re not really tangents, as such, because there was never a linear discussion to be had in the first place – it’s just people discussing the cool things they read, all of which draw from the original fact in one way or another – but it still might be too tangent-y for some people’s tastes.

      Also, there’s a back catalogue of three hundred episodes, so if you do enjoy it you’re set for a very long time.

    5. Pieforbreakfast*

      The Dream has a Season 2 if you haven’t caught it. It’s focused on the Wellness trend.
      Heaven’s Gate- about the cult, narrated by Glynn Washington (Snap Judgement)
      Lore

    6. Distant Audacity*

      BBC In our time
      Is a great, long running series (based on BBC Radio 4 programme). It covers a broad range of topics, from history to physics to literature. The previous episode was history «The siege of Paris 1870-1871». Next up is physics(? Chemistry? Whatever) «Solar winds».

      The Beeb is also very good at always having women experts as part of the panel; I believe it’s a rule they have.

      1. StellaBella*

        love Melvyn Bragg. 2nd vote for ‘bbc in our time.’
        BBC Scotland Outdoors is great, BBC Science Hour too.

    9. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Stuff you should know
      Things they don’t want you to know
      Cracked
      Planet money
      Radiolab

    10. Sleepless*

      Against the Odds with Michael Lewis
      What the Riff? (this one is kind of special to me because it’s done by a group of guys in my town who are about my age, I don’t know them but I imagine we know a bunch of the same people, so it’s kind of like they are friends)

    12. Ranon*

      If you’re up for fiction Mission to Zyxx is a delight. Death, Sex and Money is good and has some NPR heritage I believe. Nocturne is probably right up your alley too. You might not care for the production quality on the Disability Visibility podcast but the host is a brilliant interviewer and gets some great guests.

    13. MeepMeep*

      My favorite podcast ever is Literature and History. If you’re at all interested in ancient literature and its historical context, it’s absolutely fascinating.

    15. LGC*

      My FIRST suggestion was Dolly Parton’s America, but I saw you included it in RadioLab!

      Okay, so.

      – DISORGANIZED CRIME. I didn’t realize quite how much I would be into weed smuggling in the 70s and 80s until I subscribed (and I smashed the subscribe button when it first dropped).
      – Wondery (Bad Batch) has done some of my favorite serials. Dr. Death, The Shrink Next Door, and Gladiator are my go to recs. Dirty John is also there but Dirty John is pretty much something that everyone has heard of at this point.
      – If you didn’t like Cults, you probably want to steer clear of most other Parcast shows. They have a…very distinctive style, which is an acquired taste. (Basically, the hosts alternate reading lines from the script, which sounds pretty stilted to me.)
      – Funny enough, last week’s Cults episode focused on Teal Swan…who had an entire pod series done about her (The Gateway). That one was great, and much better than the surface dive they did. I’m trying to remember if it got folded into another series, though!
      – Did you mention The Drop Out? If you haven’t listened yet, it sounds right up your alley.

      If you haven’t noticed, I’m nerdy enough to namedrop different podcasting studios. I’ve found that for better or worse, a lot of them have a distinct style, so you kind of know what you’re getting into just from who made it (like with Wondery, you’re usually getting a six part serial followed by an update or two followed by endless trailers for their new six part serials).

      Also, I am subscribed to WAY TOO MANY podcasts, and I’m just scratching the surface of recs.

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Ah, Parcast. I find the content of Cults very interesting but I only listen to it once in a while because I absolutely hate the delivery.

    16. Lost in the Woods*

      Mike Duncan’s Revolutions
      Big Biology
      Chemistry in its Element (these are short – only about 5-7 minutes each – but they have a huge backlog and are great if you have any interest in chemistry)
      The Daily’s short series on The Jungle Prince of Delhi

    17. Una*

      Have you listened to This is Love? It’s also hosted by Phoebe Judge from Criminal and features rather…unusual, non saccharine stories based on a broad definition of the theme of love.

      If you are interested in interview shows, Without Fail is about successful people and how they’ve come back from failures (produced by Gimlet, which also does Reply All). Should This Exist? discusses technological/scientific advancements with potentially great benefits or terrible consequences.

    18. blaise zamboni*

      My most recent podcast love is Sawbones. It’s cohosted by one of the McElroy brothers (My Brother My Brother And Me), so, a comedian, and his wife who is a family practice physician. His wife, Sydnee, is the star of the show and is charming and lovely and I could listen to her all day. She discusses the history and mythos of different aspects of medicine, mostly historical but also some things that are more recent inventions, like essential oils and uh….taint tanning.

      The sound quality is good on every show I’ve listened to, even the live shows. This is actually one of the only shows where I enjoy the live shows as much as or more than I enjoy the regular podcast — the two hosts have a great dynamic with each other and know how to read their crowds, IMO. Plus they’ve been doing the podcast for like 7 years so there’s SO MUCH material to get through.

  60. anonMaybeTMI*

    I got a colonoscopy recently (was the age at which doctors recommend it), and they found and removed polyps. I’m not sure what might have happened if I’d put it off a few years (which I wanted to do). If you should get a colonoscopy, get one! It could save your life.

    FYI, for the colonoscopy itself – well I was unconscious for it and woke up feeling OK, no pain or anything.

    The prep and the liquid diet the day before were not fun, but the weren’t as awful as I expected. If your doctor recommends a liquid diet the day before, my advice is, be careful about making sure you have enough protein. Some things I thought might have enough protein didn’t. Jell-o has more protein that I expected.

    Chilling the prep before you take it may help, and honestly the taste wasn’t as bad as I thought (it wasn’t actually tasty though). Stay near the bathroom while you’re doing this!

    This might be more TMI…
    , but using wet wipes is a good idea, and I wish I’d taken that advice earlier.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Ooh, my doctor has been pushing for me to have a colonoscopy for the past year, so I guess I’m going to bite the bullet and do it once I have some more PTO accrued. These are all good tips, and I appreciate them. Also—I guess I’m going to stock up on jello.

      Thank you for sharing your experience!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        If you can WFH on a flexible schedule, you can do it with one Friday PTO day. On a friend’s suggestion, I started my Thursday early knowing I might want time away from keyboard by afternoon.
        I avoided meetings & calls Thursday by putting a deadline into my public calendar. I had the procedure Friday. I took the weekend for recovery.
        Good luck!

    2. WellRed*

      I’m due for my first this year. I’m worried about the prep because I have type 1 diabetes. Will have to have a plan for that. Thanks for the tips.

      1. fposte*

        If you look online, there’s a lot of guidance for diabetics and colonoscopy prep; you could look in the meantime to get familiar if that’s the sort of thing that makes you more comfortable. It looks like protocols are pretty well evolved, so you shouldn’t need to reinvent the wheel.

      2. I don't want to talk about it*

        Had mine last week. Go into the archives under fposte for great advice. The prep for me wasn’t the worst but I did cut it with ginger beer (non-alcoholic, very strong ginger soda) Yes to wipes.
        I was actually awake for mine and the Dr. was very good and listened to concerns and was prepared for when the meds didn’t work as well as expected.

        1. I don't want to talk about it*

          If you have had any abdominal surgery there is a chance for scar tissue and difficulty for the dr. Just let them know.

          1. Anono-me*

            We talked about this briefly last week. There is no medical reason not to have sedation. I am just scared of sedation. I am a coward aboy general anesthesia in all forms. (I had a bit of a bad experience. I know it’s not logical, but I am still terrified.)

            I think a non sedation colonoscopy might be easier for me due to my cowardice. That is why I was wondering how much you regretted not having sedation.

            Thank you.

            1. I don't want to talk about it*

              Best part of the experience was that the day before during the prep when I was super anxious, the Dr’s office called and talked me through the procedure.
              Call them and tell them your concerns.
              They do medicate- pain med and some kind of relaxer med. BUT they did not “put me under.” I still required a driver. I was awake for the whole thing. They were very aware when they ran into a problem but were able to up the meds in an arm iv immediately.
              I was able to talk through my anxiety about having the procedure stop because of “discomfort” (Dr. speak for pain) during the intake.
              The dr. asked right before if I still wanted medication. I said you are joking right? He wasn’t. He was extremely confident. He said okay, if that is what you want.
              I did take a tiny dose of ativan for the anxiety day of. (with permission of the Dr.)
              best advice- stay near the bathroom day before/morning of.
              Have a device or ipad to watch and distract.
              I watched Cheer. Thank you AAM for the recommendation.

              1. Anono-me*

                Thank you.

                I have a specialist clinic picked out and a driver and will be going in this fall sometime. I just wanted to hear about how it had gone pain wise from a real person who had done the no sedation thing.

            2. Mari*

              I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I live in Japan where the norm is no sedation (though you can get it if you ask for it). I’ve had three colonoscopies now with no sedation. It’s fine. It’s not comfortable, but it’s not painful. For perspective, I’ve also had the gastrointestinal camera thing and there is no way I can or would do that without sedation.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I hope at this point in the thread it’s not needed, but TMI warning.

      I opted to try it without anesthesia, and while I wouldn’t call it comfortable, the only discomfort was at insertion, and that was minor, on par with maybe a flu shot. The prep was definitely worse, I wish I had listened to my friend who said to use Boudreaux’s Butt Paste around the rectum. Next time (probably 5 years, as they found one questionable polyp, but I’ll do an office consult first) I’ll definitely do it that way again. I just prefer a little discomfort to having to rearrange my day to have someone else drive me and worry about whether I’m fully competent or not. Besides, it was cool to be able to watch the whole thing and pay attention.

      I think when we discussed this before, someone said that in some other countries, anesthesia isn’t routine the way it is here in the US, it’s still used plenty but not considered the default.

    4. Dave*

      I will bet John Andretti’s family wishes he was more diligent about getting a colonoscopy. I just got finished with colon cancer surgery and I thank god I got mine. I had to double prep with “golightly” and used crystal light and a straw. The prep was tolerable. If you are not sure, just do it. It saved my life.

    5. Goldfinch*

      Saw this recommendation elsewhere online: if you use skin actives like Retin A, stop for a few days before a colonoscopy. You dry out like a husk, and your face will feel like angry bees.

    6. WS*

      I have had two (both with endoscopy as well) in the last five months for diagnostic reasons. The prep is definitely nastier than the actual experience. I’m fat, and have had bad hospital experiences previously, but both these times everyone was great. The only problem I’ve had is that I’ve got a lot of bruises from whatever I was doing while under anesthesia!

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      Agreed. The prep was not bad. I think there’s something about it (like doing taxes or filing is for me) that I mentally dread and make out to more than it is.

      I got my results back – I stay on 6 month returns.

      But yes, asking the doc in October “why does it say I’m overdue for this – I thought it was a 3 year return” caught things early enough. And they were found in an area that is hardest to get right with prep, so I’m glad I was diligent.

    8. Woman of a Certain Age*

      This is something I need to do again. The last time around they removed some precancerous polyps and probably TMI, (when I was shown the CT scan it seemed like they were all located in places where the colon curved around). I prepped for the procedure on Sunday and then had it done on Monday so I could go back to work on Tuesday. In retrospect I wish I had taken Tuesday off because I felt like I had a mild fever and I felt kind of out-or-sorts on Tuesday. Maybe that was just me. I was fine on Wednesday.

    9. 653-CXK*

      I had the fortune of having two colonoscopies – a regular one with the sigmoidscope and a virtual one using a CT machine because my colon was too long for the sigmoidoscope. They ended up finding a couple of flat polyps, but nothing alarming at all. I had that colonoscopy in 2016; I’m due for another one next year (2021).

      For the regular colonoscopy, the doctor told me to buy magnesium citrate. I had to drink 1-1/2 bottles the first dose and 1-1/2 bottles the second, but they told me I could have any flavor I wanted…so I chose grape, and chased it with grape-flavored water. It was tart, but really not all that bad. It did, however, do its job (a little too well!) within 45 minutes of ingesting it.

      For the virtual colonoscopy, I was prescribed PEG-Lightly, which comes in a large bottle and a packet of lemon flavoring. It too wasn’t bad; I didn’t have to take water but when I did go in the middle of the night I felt like I was sick – then it went away.

      The only differences between the regular and the virtual colonoscopies are (a) you may be drugged for the regular, but they don’t drug you for the virtual (but I gotta tell you, propofol is a wonderful drug, especially after a rough night’s sleep; that 45 minute “nap” was the best I ever had and I ended up in the recovery room way out of it at first, but recovered very quickly) and (b) the virtual takes about 15 minutes; the machine does all of the work and tells you to breathe in, breath out, and hold.

      For my liquid diet, I also got clear Ensure protein drinks, a bag of spearmint leave gumdrops, and gummy bears – as long as the color of those items aren’t red, it’s OK to eat. After the procedure, I recommend eating a slice or two of bread, which will fill you up and sop up the rest of the prep in your system. You will be back to normal the next day.

      After my regular colonoscopy, the doctor’s receptionist decided (without my permission) to schedule me for the virtual colonoscopy, but I shut that down and scheduled it for two months after.

      1. 653-CXK*

        Errata & additional information:

        1) the 1-1/2 bottles were spaced over the span of twelve hours, i.e. the first 1-1/2 bottles I took at 5:30 in the afternoon and the other 1-1/2 bottles I took at 5:30 in the morning.
        2) Spearmint leave should read spearmint leaf.
        3) Regarding the receptionist: I think I had gotten the call about two days after the colonoscopy was done when she told me, “you’re going to be scheduled for your virtual colonscopy [a month after regular colonoscopy].” That sounded like a power trip, so I told her, “No, that wouldn’t be a good time for me – how about [two months after regular colonoscopy]?” “OK, [two months] it is,” and that power trip got zapped quickly.

    10. MatKnifeNinja*

      Pro tip. Peri bottle with warm water to spritz the under carriage. Then gently blot dry.

      Needed no butt cream, except a tiny bit near the end of the prep.

      Also, don’t mix the prep with anything you really like to drink. The smell of Crystal Light makes me gag now. Lol…

  61. Jedi Squirrel*

    I’m doing a no-shopping February.

    Basically, I have enough of everything. Food, shoes, clothes, so I’m just not going shopping at all in February. I may buy a few perishable groceries during the month (bread, milk), but other than that I’m eating out of the freezer and the pantry.

    Anyone else ever do something similar?

    1. WellRed*

      No, but read a book awhile back about a family that did that for a year. Michelle Singletary of the WaPo has something similar, the 21 Day Financial Fast.

      1. Enough*

        The 21 day fast is less about using up what you have as don’t buy what you don’t actually need and use cash only. People have a tendency to spend more when they use a card, even a debit card.

    2. Dan*

      It would take too much work for me to get my food stocks in order to actually pull that off, and it would be pointless to make the effort — I’m not actually saving any money by buying a month’s worth of groceries on Jan 31 as opposed to as-needed throughout February.

      That said, there are times (be it a long weekend or even a whole week) where I take stock of what’s on hand and declare that I don’t need to do any spending of any sort for that period.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        That’s kind of how I ended up here. I figured I had enough on hand to get me through a month.

        Also, I want to be able to just come home from work without having to do any errands.

        1. Blue Eagle*

          Your goal is Excellent! I did a no-shopping February last year and did not spend money on anything other than gas and food from the grocery store. No movies, no restaurants, no clothes, no discretionary spending on anything. It was a tough month with friends and family wanting to do things that would require money but I held fast and added money to my emergency fund – – and at the end of the month felt great. Hope you do too.

    3. Gatomon*

      I do try to take breaks when I find myself purchasing my feelings. I’m on day 7 of a week of no-spend (other than a required Rx with poor timing). I find it helps me recalibrate. I’d have a hard time with food, though it’s so easy to pick up something else when you’re already at a big box store. I try to anticipate a week’s worth of groceries to cut down on trips, but I just can’t fit much more than that in the fridge.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I find myself purchasing my feelings

        This. When I get depressed, I do tend to spend too much on Amazon or wandering around Target. I like the idea of recalibrating…I realize that’s what I’m going for here, to get back to a feeling of normal.

    4. Goldfinch*

      I do it in selected categories, but by quantity instead of by time. So, “use everything in the freezer” or “stay away from Sephora until I use every single sample and have emptied at least two bottles”. I find it more useful to dictate my boundaries by results instead of by the calendar.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Ooh, I do like this approach. I’m going to blog my progress, and if I don’t get the results I like, I’ll try this one in March. Thanks for the idea!

    5. Overeducated*

      I should do this because I’m entering a period of austerity and will be living in part on savings through the summer. If I could make it a game or challenge maybe that would help me not feel bad about the things I’m missing out on.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’ll be keeping a list and blogging about it at the end of the month. If I can figure out how to gamify it, I’ll post an update here. This is a great suggestion.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      I tried this in August, similarly with just buying the fresh stuff (think, farmer’s market fresh veg/fruit add-ins + milk/break/eggs) needed to round out the diet. Thanks to mom buying again and again when here (my grocery bill more than doubled), I had a deep freeze pretty full, a dry goods/baking cupboard full of staples, and a can pantry full of stuff I will probably never use unless I concentrate or donate it. (I did give away a huge bag full of canned beans and veggies that I just won’t touch).
      It was very successful, and I actually used it to spring board to cooking at home now (and doing some batch cooking and freezing) all but when I go out socially. I eat more well rounded meals and fewer empty calories. My homemade soups (freeze them in glass wide mouth canning jars) are much better than store bought or take out, basically. Lower sodium, no filler, high quality meat and interesting veggies, etc. I’ve been able to substitute in whole grains or cauliflower rice; add alot more sauteed and pureed veg in, and basically work to expand my nutrition. I pack my lunch now, (right now, it’s usually one of the several various frozen jarred soup/stew – I take it into work, it’s mostly thawed by lunch…. I heat it in the microwave, have it with one of my salads, and it’s great)

      My food budget is the same, because I “do” try to eat out at least one meal a week with rotating invites to friends, so that I can keep the isolation/ workaholic tendencies down (the weekday dinner makes me exit the office while there are still other cars in the parking lot). But cooking at home, and not getting takeout for solo, means that I can truly enjoy those dinners out both financially and caloric-ally. They are truly treats.

      I do the same thing for clothes – I have a pretty decent wardrobe, so I try most of the time, to have a one-in-one-out rule, and basically look to replace only staples unless I’m shopping (our joint fun activity 2x a year) with my friend the quasi-pro. (She is, long story, the one who helps curate my wardrobe, and basically has an amazing eye).

      If I know I am going to have to discard something if I bring something new home, I can just challenge myself to find another way to entertain or soothe myself if I’m just shopping out of anxiety or boredom.

      So yes, challenging myself to see how long I can without buying new clothes was helpful, too!
      LOL.

  62. Not So NewReader*

    Taxes, you guys. Taxes.

    I am trying to help my friend with his taxes. His records aren’t very good and I can’t fix that part. So he does not know his AGI for last year and he does not know his self-select pin. I can’t submit the taxes on line.

    I tried to get this information from the IRS online and I can’t complete the form because he has NO cell phone and he has no financial accounts such as mortgages or credit cards. It looks like he has to call a number to get this information.

    WTH is happening with filing taxes? I have answered personal questions like favorite pet’s name. Filled out the DL, the issue date, the expiration date and Doc#. But wait. We are not done yet. There are 50 more bits of info- that is useless to them that they want. Now they want his mortgage (house is paid), his CC (does not use them) and his cell (phones don’t work here) in order to give me the information THEY require.

    They already have all this stuff. Oh wait. It’s for security. Yeah, as I went through I saw several other options for even more layers of security. It’s ridiculous. So he either has to call this number (not optimistic that he will call) or he sends in a paper copy. I had to laugh, there were warnings that someone at the IRS might type in the wrong number and mess up the taxes. I guess taxpayers never do that? What is up.

    Our systems are very biased against people who live simply, with no cells, no loans/cc, no computers. The folks are just cut off from everything. I am seeing the same thing with an elderly friend. If her son did not handle everything for her, she would be at such a loss. She hates computers and will not learn to use one. Does anyone know of any advocacy groups who are trying to make things accessible for the Technology Dis-inclined? Government should be accessible to all, just my opinion.

    1. fposte*

      Ugh. I don’t know where I put my IRS PIN and I really need to figure that out. Thanks for the reminder.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, as I am helping him I am thinking do I even have a pin. omg. Why can’t I remember. Get his done and then have some more “fun” with mine. ugh.

    2. university minion*

      Call your area’s 211. If his income is under $66,000, he’s eligible for VITA – Volunteer Income Tax Assistance. The 211 folks can give more info.
      If his taxes are simple (and even if they aren’t, but especially if they’re simple), it’s still possible to fill out paper forms and mail them in. Your local library will have the forms.
      Just because e-file is the preferred way to do taxes, doesn’t mean it’s the only way.
      Why are you having to complete all these random security bits? Is this some weird e-file software? I use Turbotax for my own taxes and have never run up against any of these complications. If I didn’t have rental income, it would be just as easy to do pencil-and-paper.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Silly me. I decided to try something that was not Turbo. Where was my head? Anyway, the one I tried I kind of liked it with the exception of the 15 layers of security. I don’t remember that with Turbo last year. I guess I now know for myself I will just keep my stuff with Turbo.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      They need to improve the support for the most vulnerable, but the reason it’s gotten harder is that tax fraud is increasing, and the unbanked are probably the prime targets because with just a mailing address or phone number, the barriers for scammers are much lower.

      I wish I could answer your question, all I can do is wish you luck.

    4. Dan*

      So… my taxes are simple: W2 income only, standard deduction, single. That’s *it*. And… I just mail my forms in. I did the 1040EZ up until last year, when the discontinued it. New form wasn’t so bad either.

      I can also tell you that the IRS “security” headaches aren’t for nothing. Big scams in the last few years have involved scammers filing fake returns and getting refunds before the real people bother to file. Then the actual person files, and their return gets bounced because a refund has already been issued.

      If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 40 years as a US citizen, it’s that the almighty tax refund is sacrosanct, and not to be messed with. I get it, there were two times in my life where I had a $5,000 refund, and the second time the refund got held up. OMG, I get it. As a result, I move heaven and earth to ensure that I don’t have a refund. I’ll write a big fat check, but no-way, no-how is there going to be a refund again.

      So when peoples’ tax refunds are getting held up because of scammers, I can only imagine the immense political pressure the IRS is under to “do something about it.” And what do they do? They tighten security. Tightened security *always* comes with a trade off: Less security = higher rates of fraud, more security = harder for honest people to conduct business.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      VITA (volunteer income tax assistance) is a nation-wide IRS program that provides free tax preparation for people with income under $50-60K (depends on the organization administering the program). AARP is one of the sponsoring organizations and lots of local non-profits also sponsor the program. Volunteer preparers will prepare and file the tax forms on behalf of the taxpayer. They’re not like a paid preparer who will represent the taxpayer in an audit, but they do all the work. They’ve probably dealt with lost pins before and might have an easier way to get that info.

      You can find a location here: https://www.irs.gov/individuals/free-tax-return-preparation-for-you-by-volunteers

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Thanks all for the commiseration, explanations and tips. I will probably suggest to my friend that he go to VITA next year. I hope they start doing something for people who are not technology oriented very soon.
      Again, thanks all, I do feel better.

    7. Gertrude Stein*

      I’m plenty computer savvy but I still file a paper copy every year. Some years it’s filled in on the computer but other years I write the numbers with pen and it works fine. Probably takes longer to get the refund, but that’s all. And if I write a number in wrong, or add incorrectly, the IRS fixes it and tells me what to do. The hardest thing is probably buying the stamps.

  63. Jdc*

    Well I feel old. Went to get my MRI on my knee yesterday and she asked what music to play. I went blank and just said oldies since at least I won’t find it annoying. She replied “oh so like 90s music?” She was probably in her mid 20s. Sigh.

    See the doctor Monday to see what the mri said. Crossing my fingers for surgery simply because it’s a fixable issue and I’m not just stuck in pain sucking it up forever…as much as I don’t want surgery.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        There was a great scene in The Fosters about this.

        Connor: ???

        Jude: “It’s a band that old people like.”

        Yup.

      2. Enough*

        In 1974 my neighbor who was a student teacher was asked by a student how many Beetles were there. It was tough to feel old at 25.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      The VP at my new job made a joke about how the previous 20-something intern didn’t know who the Rat Pack was. I said, “Yeah, and even if you’d said something about ‘Ol’ Blue Eyes’ he probably would have thought you were talking about George Strait.” To which the *current* 20-something intern said, “Who’s George Strait??”

      I remember having a conversation with my WWII-veteran neighbor a decade-ish ago and him saying something about how he hated modern music and liked the oldies. Which, for him, were things like the Glenn Miller Band and the Andrews Sisters. But for me, at that exact point in time, meant Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I recently heard Alanis Morrissette referred to as “the music of yesteryear” and winced hard.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        My last MRI they asked what music I would like and I said Grateful Dead. I had taken a xanax for the procedure as I have crippling Edgar Allan Poe premature burial claustrophobia. I have listened to the Dead over many years in many states of consciousness and that was the Trippiest Dead I ever heard.

    4. The Kerosene Kid*

      I’m a teacher. I asked a 9th grader to choose our pre-class music. “Old song or new song?” she asked. I said “Hmmm…old!”

      She put on Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting” and then informed me that she was pretty sure it was from WWII.

  64. Environmental Compliance*

    Update on my missing sample fiasco:

    Background first – I had a knitting pattern published June of 2019 in a magazine. The samples were to be returned promptly back to designers. I had received an email in April of 2019 stating that the samples were to be shipped that week, wait for the email with tracking info from UPS.

    Crickets until November, when I finally got a response to an email asking for updates (several were sent) which basically said that the magazine was busy. Note that I got responses after messaging them on social media…with all their responses via email. Lots ignored emails later. I finally post about it on social media publicly and send a complaint in to the publishing company itself.

    Now, FINALLY, the magazine reached out to confirm my address and says it will be shipped next Thursday. I’m really hoping that I actually get the shipping notification on Thursday and we can stop this whole parade of crap. My rights to the pattern have already reverted back for over a month now, the sample has been MIA for nearly a year, and this was all very much not worth the $150 they paid me for the pattern.

    TL,DR: I Like Knitting has held my sample hostage for almost a year, finally after going and complaining on social media publicly (which I do not like doing) they say they’re shipping it.

        1. Jen in Oregon*

          That’s gorgeous–I’m glad you’re finally getting that back! I hope this doesn’t put you off on publishing more patterns. Are you on ravelry?

          1. Environmental Compliance*

            I’m still publishing, but definitely never with them. I have a shawl coming out later this year with a different magazine!

            I am indeed on Ravelry – @kixkatknitsshop. :) I’m not super active there (the forums give me a headache), but I pop in from time to time.

  65. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I’m going to C2E2 this year! Just never got my act together to go, I kept missing it because it’s so early in the year. But I thought of it, and got my badge, so I’m going :)

    In cat news, I was trapped on the chair for 2 hours while Jill sat on my left and Arwen sat on my right and took naps. Only took 6 weeks to get to this stage.

  66. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Sports thread! Hot are you doing?

    Apparently… I injured my right knee. Again. Last year it was by overenthusiastic rowing, and now it hurts (badly) after I went to the local swimming pool. The specialist that took my case last year is on vacation and won’t return for one more week, so in the meantime I’m applying ice packs and wearing a kneepad, which is uncomfortable for walking.

    1. Searching*

      Yikes! Are you able to get to a physiotherapist? They might be able to help.

      Ran my first road race of the year yesterday. Did pretty well but not a PR. I think I peaked last year when I PRd in 4 different distances. I’m dealing with a nagging case of posterior tibialis tendinitis at the moment and hope it won’t affect my HM training. It’s not debilitating by any means but very persistent and annoying.

      Also finally met a group of people my own age to climb with (gym climbing). Very happy about that, I’ll be able to climb a little more regularly & frequently.

  67. Parenthetically*

    @fposte, I’m scrolling the thread and my toddler says, “Wait, go back to the fish with the hat on!” He’s now obsessed with your avatar.

    1. Librarian of Many Hats*

      Your toddler’s mind is going to be blown if they ever find out there’s an entire book about the fish with the hat. “This is not my hat” by Jon Klassen.

    2. fposte*

      That is adorable! And yes, there is a book, though read it through to the end yourself before sharing it with your toddler–I fear it is not a triumph for the fish :-).

        1. Anono-me*

          I just found a video of someone reading the book online. It was amazing. And I agree. The ending makes the book. Especially the slightly smug satisfied vibe in the last image.

  68. Loopy*

    Bookworm dilemma:

    I use Goodreads as an awesome way to keep track of books I want to read for times when I want to grab a book fast. I can go to my “Want to read” shelf and dart over to the library. This comes in handy when suddenly I have a free weekend or unexpected travel.

    My dilemma is all my books there are either not available in my library system (Inter Library Loan has a small fee I’d like to avoid right now) or are sequels that aren’t published yet.

    So- yet another book rec thread- does anyone have recs for a series that has at least 4 books already written? I have started so many new ones I’m in need of some with books I can have at the ready! Primarily looks for Fantasy and Science Fiction- in the vein of:

    Sci-Fi:
    Anything by Becky Chambers
    the Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells

    Fantasy:
    Uprooted, Spinning Silver, Temeraire Series by Naomi Novik
    Gideon the Ninth (or is that sci fi?) by Tamsyn Muir
    The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison
    Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden
    Anything by Victoria/V.E Schwab

    I’m traveling later in Feb and definitely need to find a series I like to sustain me!

    1. Cruciatus*

      If you’re willing to go young adult, I’m loving Tamora Pierce’s books. There are a lot of books in multiple series all within the Tortall universe. Also by other authors: the Pendragon series (series is finished!), Ranger’s Apprentice (there’s a spinoff series, but there are a lot already completed), The Queen’s Thief series (been around for 20 some years but she’s still adding to the series every so often!) I would categorize all those as fantasy and I’m actually surprised I’ve read that much that I consider fantasy! I didnt’ realize that genre was such my jam, but I guess it is.

      A little more in the adult realm–JK Jemisin’s Broken Earth trilogy (OK, only 3 books, but they are all completed!)

      By the way, I recently noticed on Goodreads that there is what looks like a sequel to The Goblin Emperor! It’s not out yet, but I’m just thrilled there might be another one!

      1. Loopy*

        I’m iffy on young adult- it really depends sadly! I absolutely love series by Leigh Bardugo and Laini Taylor but much less so others. Would you say Tamora Pierce books are on the older side of young adult side? If your suggestions tend to skew towards older teens, they might be a good fit! I do like my romance to maybe be a bit past PG-13 (if romance is present), for example, but don’t need graphic intimate scenes. Plot and themes that are geared to be appropriate towards 14/15 and under also sometimes fail to keep my attention.

        SUPER excited about the potential sequel but man I would have to re-read it for sure. It’s been years! Thanks for the heads up!

        1. tangerineRose*

          You might like Diana Wynne Jones. She wrote fantasy that somehow tends to feel real. Many of her books are more for young adults, but they’re good.

        2. Cruciatus*

          All of the series are meant for slightly older kids. I just thought they were all well written and/or had plots and characters I just enjoyed. The Tamora Pierce books have things like…female characters thinking about sex, and having sex. On their terms–but it’s nothing torrid (though I imagine someone out there is clutching their pearls). A few characters have birth control charms now that I think about it. So things like that, but it’s definitely not the main focus of the book (or any that I read so far). Love and/or sex is just one aspect of these female characters. In the 1980s when some of these were written it was probably PG-13, but today it’s probably just under it. But not quite PG.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Tamora Pierce has two universes. Circle of Magic is middle reader.
          The Tortall universe starts young YA and grows. Alanna the Lioness quartet has a wonderfully strong female lead, tough situations, and simple beautiful writing –simple not simplistic if you catch the distinction. By the time you get to Beca Cooper’s books, they’re full-on YA. And all of them tackle serious issues head-on.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Science fiction: The Expanse, by James S.A. Corey – the first book in the series is Leviathan Wakes and I think there are six published, maybe seven at the moment.

    3. Quiznakit*

      Seanan McGuire’s got a few long series at this point, sometimes under her other pen name, Mira Grant. Some urban fantasy, some scifi with horror.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I’m going to start with the October Daye series, I requested the first one at my library! It’s been a long time since I read Urban Fantasy and I’m just starting to come back around to the genre after another urban fantasy series went so (SO) badly off the rails it soured me on the whole genre!

      1. Loopy*

        I was excited to try it out (I really love interesting alien species and was very intrigued by the one in the summary and some reviews!) buuuuut my library system has a whopping 9 of the books and none are even the first one! It’s these types of hurdles that makes me generally a bit annoyed with the library system. I understand maybe not having all 20 books but having a random smattering of an entire series helps no one! I’ll mark it to read hopefully another time!

        1. Llellayena*

          At my library, we can request books for them to order for the library collection. If your library has something similar, you might be able to ask them to order the books to fill out the series. Might take some time though.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Our library apparently doesn’t replace lost, damaged, stolen books unless patrons request the book.

      1. Loopy*

        Thank you! I somehow missed Binti by Nnedi Okorafor being on my to-read list and am going to start there!

    6. Bookworm*

      If you like the Murderbot Diaries, you may like the Imperial Radch series by Ann Leckie. There’s a trilogy and a fourth book that takes places in the same universe, plus two short stories. The first book is called Ancillary Justice, and it won the Hugo and Nebula awards.

      You listed several authors/series that I also enjoyed, so I will also recommend the Rivers of London series by Ben Aaronovitch. There are 7 books and multiple short stories & novellas, as well as a graphic novel series. The first book is called Rivers of London but the UK title is Midnight Riot.

      1. Koala dreams*

        The Ancillary Justice books are great! I also like The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers. There are three books from the same universe, but they are not about the same characters. I’ve read the first two of them.

      2. Loopy*

        The Imperial Radch series looks awesome! I just requested the first one! Thanks!

        I’ve actually read the Rivers of London first book and I think I remember liking it but I have no idea why I never moved on to book 2! I may have to revisit that!

        1. KMK*

          I second both of these. I loved the Imperial Radch and just devoured the Rivers of London books. (Does anyone else use eating words to describe reading?)

    7. Dancing Otter*

      These are all fantasy

      There are at least 20 titles in Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar series. Oldies but goodies, these have a fair number of YA characters, but are not necessarily YA in theme.

      You might like the Invisible Library series by Genevieve Cogman. Six volumes so far, it starts with the eponymous title.

      Rob Thurman has a couple of series. His longest series, Cal Leandros, is LGBTQ, if that matters to you, but there are others.

      Drew Hayes has several series. I like the one about Fred, the Vampire Accountant. It’s especially funny to me, as a former accountant. Hey, even werewolves have to file taxes! Avoid his SuperPowered series, though – very juvenile. If you have ever enjoyed RPGs, the series that starts with NPCS might be a good fit. He also has a number of stand-alone titles.

      I like Ilona Andrews’ series about the Innkeepers, starting with “Clean Sweep”. I don’t like her other series, but YMMV.

      1. Llellayena*

        Erm, 36 Valdemar books actually, not counting the short story anthologies. They’re mostly grouped into trilogies so they work for both marathon and shorter reading sessions.

        Also:
        Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card and it’s many related books
        The Magician’s Guild by Trudi Canavan – she has a couple other unrelated series too
        Dragonriders of Pern by Anne Mccaffrey (don’t read the Todd Mccaffrey ones in the series *shudder*)
        Dune by Frank Herbert will keep you busy for a while
        If you don’t mind a strong religious theme Kathy Tyers’ Firebird series is wonderful

        Typing authors’ names with my phone’s autocorrect is really annoying…

      2. Loopy*

        Ahhhh I really wanted to read The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant! But Drew Hayes does not have a single book in my library system so I’ll have to put it off until I can try it out via buying it!

        Same with Clean Sweep- while the library system has some of her other books, not the one I am looking for! Great recommendations though, thank you!!!

      3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Valdemar is alright, but definitely a bit repetitive. Fun to read, but you probably don’t want to read them all. I like Lackey’s Dragon Jousters series a lot though. Actually just finished re-reading them.

    8. purplecat*

      For science fiction/space opera, try Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan series or Sharon Lee’s Liaden series. Both have 10+ books in their series, plus several short stories and focus on character relationships with a bit of world-building. The Vorkosigan series is complete and each book wraps up nicely, but the Liaden series is ongoing with books sometimes ending with threads left untied. My favorite Bujold books include Memory (it’s the perfect culmination of the previous books) and Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance (for it’s craziness and for Ivan finally getting his own book)

      If you like Bujold, she also has a fantasy series with 3 books and 7 novellas that take place in her Five Gods universe.

      And I highly recommend Diana Wynne Jones. While many of her books are written for children, they’re still fun to read (and re-read) as an adult. She also has several adult/YA books. My favorite may be Hexwood for it’s twists and turns on what’s really going on, and I don’t know how many times I’ve read Howl’s Moving Castle or the Chrestomanci books.

      1. Fikly*

        The Vorkosigan series is complete as is, but as far as I know she hasn’t said she won’t write more in it!

      2. Lives in a Shoe*

        Seconding DWJ. Also, Susan Cooper, and for high fantasy Tad Williams Memory, Sorrow and Thorn or Jordan’s WOT.

    9. Bagpuss*

      Genevieve Colman’s ‘Invisible Library’ series is a lot of fun. Ninja librarians across alternate worlds. I there are 6 books in the series so far.

    10. Cruciatus*

      If you (or anyone) lives near a university, you should see if they allow residents to have cards. I work at an academic library and we actually recently got rid of resident requirements–anyone with ID can get a card! Resident users don’t get items for as long as students and staff, but they still get something like 30 days which is actually even better than my local library! People are able to get brand new books pretty quickly compared to the local library (students are just not interested in new fiction. Or non-fiction). And if our campus doesn’t have it, it can be brought from another library (no fee to patron). So just throwing that out if it might help anyone.

    11. LNLN*

      There is a young adult fantasy series by David Baldacci about a girl named Vega Jane. The first book in the series is The Finisher. I thought the books were well written and engaging. I forget if there are 3 or 4 books. Try the first book.

    12. OtterB*

      Somebody recommended Lois McMaster Bujold, and I highly agree. The Vorkosigan series is sci-fi. In fantasy she has both the Five Gods series (Curse of Chalion is the first) and the Sharing Knife series. I just reread Sharing Knife – four really long volumes – and deeply enjoyed it.

      Also second the Lee & Miller Liaden series, which is excellent space opera with romance subplots and is something like 20 books in now, and also Sharon Lee’s Archers Beach series – small town Maine with characters with mythic ties to the land and sea, and a magic carousel. 3 novels plus some short stories.

      Have you read Martha Wells’s Raksura books? They are secondary-world fantasy. The Cloud Roads is the first one. Five books plus two volumes of novella/short stories. Fascinating worldbuilding and enjoyable characters.

      Only three books, but I really enjoyed the series by Vivian Shaw that begins with Strange Practice.

    13. Bookslinger In My Free Time*

      Only because it has not been mentioned and more people NEED to read this awesomeness: Kristen Britain’s Green Rider series. The books get heavier as you go, it’s all high fantasy, and the character growth is exponential. Highly recommend to everyone everywhere, but especially if you like Strong Female Protagonists With Human Flaws.

  69. Ermintrude*

    So. My country flung itself off a cliff whilst making rude gestures at the other countries who we used to be friends with. My citizenship has been taken away by my government and bigots seem to feel they have free reign. Government seems to be working by use of slogans and Endless lying and the media isn’t helping. It’s scary and upsetting and I really would like to get my EU passport back but that’s quite hard with small children at school (limits the potential to live in another country on and off).
    It’s just – horrifying and I honestly don’t recognise my country any more

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      You and me both. I’m a dual UK-US citizen so I get two countries’ worth of insanity. It is very much not good for my mental health.

    5. Akcipitrokulo*

      Still holding out hope for the private citizenship deal Verhofstadt mentioned but… yeah. And some people are taking it as permission to be public about bigotry.

      I told my son, who was very upset, that this is the first day of our journey back home.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m a Brit who’s been living in Spain for the past four years and am heartbroken about what’s happened. It feels as though my entire life has been shifted on its head and I’m still mourning the country that I thought I knew. Despite everything that’s happened over the last four years, I’m still in sense of shock that bigotry, hatred, and xenophobic sentiment has been allowed to win.

    7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’m sorry. I’m afraid for those whose livelihoods and citizenship status are currently hanging from a thread, especially for those who have no place to return to.
      (P.D. Two years ago I was invited to apply for a position in London, which I declined for obvious reasons. They had so little applications they moved the job to Ireland.)

    8. NicoleK*

      Yes, same here. We use to have this saying in my country, “no man is above the law”. Obviously, that is not true (and hasn’t been true for the last couple of years). One man was just given free reign to do whatever the hell he wants.

  70. Myrtle beach in April?*

    Considering heading to Myrtle beach for the kids’ April vacation which is the last week in April. Is that too early for good beach weather?

    Any suggestions for a family with young kids in the area?

    1. Sleepless*

      I’ve only been to Myrtle Beach once so I don’t know enough about it to give specifics; I do remember the tap water tasted awful, and I am not very picky about tap water. It will almost certainly be nice outside. Whether it is warm enough to swim depends on a lot of things, including where you are from! The colder your home climate is, the more likely you are to think the water is fine. Canadians seem to happily get in the ocean in the South in March. I’m from Atlanta and I don’t get in until Memorial Day!

    2. Marcy*

      There are lots of putt-putt courses. There is an aquarium at Broadway at the Beach – a restaurant/shopping area. Not sure if it will be warm enough to swim at the beach, but maybe kite flying would be fun.

    3. Achoo*

      It will probably be in the mid to high 70s (F). Lovely for walking on the beach, but a tad chilly for me for bathing suits and swimming.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Check on college Spring Break schedule, because that’s a hot destination. (I unfortunately was staying with a friend’s grandparents with no way to get to the nightlife, alas.) We did a lot of nature hikes, went fishing on a charter boat with other tourists, and I loved the seaside amusement park.

  71. BLT*

    Y’ALL! I almost got scammed into an MLM. I mean, my first thoughts were skeptical, but now it’s confirmed.

    I was approached by this really friendly girl (mid 20s) at the store (think Target/Walmart) this week and she starts chatting me up and we exchange numbers. She wants to meet for coffee next week. I say sure, because I’m at that age (early 30s) where I haven’t made a friend in a long time.
    Then she texts me about a book called “The Compound Effect”. I immediately go to Reddit, didn’t find anything initially but then a few threads down I see someone mentioning a scam. I add the keywords scam and scheme to my search and I find a bunch of more hits. Ugh. I just block her number right? Anything else I should do?

    1. Salymander*

      Ugh, yes blockblockblock!!!!!

      A friend God sucked into an mlm, and he started inviting me to “parties” that were actually sales pitch/brainwashing sessions. He totally lied to my face that it wasn’t an mlm event in order to get me to go to one, and when I got to the “party” and saw a bunch of folding chairs in a semicircle facing a whiteboard, I was suuuuuper mad. He just shrugged and said that he had to lie because otherwise I wouldn’t have come. So, my advice is to block her number and avoid this mlm person like plague and most especially do not believe her when she says that she wants you to go to a party or a dinner or coffee or whatever. Nope yourself on out of there! It’s a trap!

      2. Gaia*

        To be fair, if I was going to join an mlm it would definitely be the one that had a diety. Imagine the conferences….

    2. Parenthetically*

      Block! Dammit, scammy MLM weirdos, why do you have to ruin the entire concept of friendship!?

    3. RagingADHD*

      That surprises me.

      The one time I exchanged numbers with a friendly person at the market, it turned out to be a cult.

      I knew MLMs were getting cultier all the time, but I didn’t realize they had so completely embraced the same business model.

  72. Avocado toast*

    I made avocado toast tonight. First time eating it – I see it in restaurants and want to order it but end up seduced by something else so never tried it. It is surprisingly good. Anyone have a favorite topping for it? I just mashed a ripe avocado with lime juice and salt. Toasted bread with olive oil. Spread the avocado on top with some chopped cherry tomato.

    2. Koala dreams*

      Sliced radishes. Salt and pepper. I’ll have to try the cherry tomato next time, sounds good.

    3. D'Euly*

      Lemon juice and zest and sesame seeds. And maybe a raw garlic clove rubbed over the toast if I feel like it.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Everything bagel seasoning (at Trader Joe’s it’s called Everything But the Bagel seasoning). You can make your own, plenty of recipes on the web and you can adjust however you like.

  73. Pennalynn Lott*

    2020 is kicking off in a big way.

    I started my new job on Friday (so my health insurance would kick in on Feb 1) and it was wonderful. I already knew 70% of the people in my department so there was no stilted First Day Awkwardness; just a lot of hugs and jokes and teasing and actual work [“You still remember how to do SQL scripting, right? Here’s what I need by the end of the day.”] I’m so happy to be in a much more normal, balanced, non-toxic environment.

    I formally dissolved my relationship with Boyfriend of 17.5 years on Thursday during a 6-hour session with a mediator wherein we rewrote our small business’s partnership agreement and divided all personal assets and household goods (at least on paper; he has until May 31 to find a house, close on it, and move out). I feel lighter than I have in about 17 years. Things went south with him very early on, but the inadvertent training I received in my FOO had me hanging on, convinced that with enough time and knowledge, I could fix things. His disordered thinking, porn/sex addiction, and mental/emotional issues dropped me into some pretty dark places over the years. Going back to school and starting a new career are the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself. It proved to me that (a) I actually am smart; (b) people genuinely like me (!!) and I can have friends; and (c) I’m not really dependent on Boyfriend for… anything.

    It’s not all sunshine and roses. He’ll be taking three of the seven cats. I am deeply attached to two of those three. (One is sitting on my bed next to me as I type this, one paw on my forearm). But they are, by their choice, mostly his and are bonded more with him than with me. [Though, honestly, the three-legged one on my bed is a toss-up as to which of us he prefers.] But four cats plus a 100-lb dog will be just about all my new budget can handle.

    I’m looking forward to when I won’t have to dread hearing him get up in the morning (because he’ll try to pick a fight); to when I can just up and dance to a song or even a commercial jingle when the mood strikes me, without enduring his weird staring and negative comments; and to buying something just because it’s silly and makes me laugh, without someone berating me for months afterward about how irresponsible I am for that one purchase. [Like a cheese “glue” gun. It’s called a Fondoodler. I never used it because I couldn’t handle him trying to make me feel small for getting excited about it and for buying it. But it’s still in the box, in my closet, just waiting for me to bust out once he’s gone. I can’t wait to build a cheese-and-pretzel log cabin!]

    So here’s to new beginnings, to judicious and extreme self-care, and to the much-needed return of silliness and laughter.

    1. Anono-me*

      I am so happy for you. I am so impressed with how you are rebuilding your life. And I would stay and say lots of other impressed and congratulatory things but I have to go off in Google a cheese glue gun on Amazon.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a high five. You did so well!!! I am so proud of you. So very impressed with your pressing forward.
      And yes – you are smart, and competent. And like recovering from a toxic job, it will take awhile before you completely recover from all the negative words.
      Have you bought the pretzels yet? They keep quite a while. LOL. So you can start with the last box clears the threshold in May.

    3. Salymander*

      I am sending so many good vibes your way, and I can’t wait for you to tell us all about your post-boyfriend fondoodler extravaganza.

    4. nep*

      This is amazing. Thanks for sharing.
      I’m posting that last line on my wall.
      Peace and all the best to you.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Look at you go! [Cheering/Applause]

      You will have to let us know how the Fondoodler adventure went. ;)

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I needed that this morning–thanks for sharing your joy & optimism.
      I am now wondering what to call a savory version of a gingerbread house, because your cheese gun could be a way to have a diabetes friendly twist on that tradition.

  74. Goldfinch*

    I just spend a couple of hours doing work-work because I was avoiding cleaning. In college I would fanatically clean to avoid studying. Life is just one big circle of avoiding stuff.

    How have you been productive in the name of procrastination lately?

    1. Pennalynn Lott*

      Pretty sure my proudest social media post during the entire four years I was back in school to finish my Bachelor’s and get my Master’s was a picture of my bathroom’s perfectly spotless grout after I’d spent hours cleaning it instead of studying for Linear Algebra. :-D

      Right now, though? I need to clean litter boxes and wash the dishes from dinner, but I’m working on my new budget instead and learning the ins and outs of YNAB. And, ah, checking AAM.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      So I have this huge pile of papers that needs to be sorted. It’s embarrassingly large. In the beginning the pile could be measured in YARDS. I have been working on it for a while. Suddenly spring cleaning the bathroom would sound like a good idea and I would go do that. So now I am down to my last 12 inches of paper to sort. I might do that today or I might spring clean the entry way. We will see.

  75. Jaid*

    Just filed my Federal taxes.

    Don’t forget, if you file electronically, make sure EVERYTHING, including direct deposit information, is correct.

    And try to pay separately, don’t pay your preparer or software site using your refund. Those refunds may go thru a third party bank before hitting your account, which means it’s not actually your account info the IRS has in their system. The IRS isn’t responsible for a lost refund if you enter the wrong account information and frankly, can only confirm the deposit was made. They can’t demand that the bank return the refund unless it’s an IRS error.

  76. Hazelnut Bunny*

    I received a text from my ex today. I’m currently pregnant with his child and baby is due any day now. I haven’t heard from him in 6 months. I have had complications throughout this pregnancy as well as the baby is going to have manageable but lifelong issues. He knew this when we split. I have heard nothing until today. He asked how I was doing and “checking the status” of everything. I don’t even know how to respond. It’s like “WTF!?” I want nothing to do with him. I planned on informing him when the child was born but I made the decision to name the child what I want as well as not have him there. (Not even sure if he would have shown up.) I have no idea how to respond or even if I should. I’m in such disbelief.

    1. LibbyG*

      “Checking the status.” Good grief! I hope he gets more of a clue and that the baby’s arrival goes well. I remember from your earlier posts that you’re in a frustrating situation; I hope there’s some joy to help things along.

      1. valentine*

        Imagine it is 10 years from now and you’re telling your kid this story. How will you want this to have gone? I would take what he says at face value. Tell him the status. Invite him to be there. You want to avoid stories that go, “I wanted to, but Hazelnut Bunny wouldn’t let me.”

        Have you told him what you want from him? If you tell him what you want and he doesn’t do it, at least you’re not playing a weird game of assumption on both sides. It’s entirely possible he doesn’t want to bother you or assumes you’d tell him if you needed or wanted anything from him, or tell him if anything was wrong. Do the opposite of what they do in sitcoms, lawyer up (especially look into grandparental or other rights from his side), and sign some documents. Be sure to name him on the birth certificate, so the state doesn’t have to do extra work hunting him down in case the baby or you need aid.

        2. Disco Janet*

          Stress can seriously impact how well a woman gets through labor, so no, I don’t think she is obligated to invite him so that someday down the road she can tell her child that she did. If you mean invite him to be in the waiting room, sure. IF he isn’t going to be bothering her for status updates during labor. That could likely do more harm than good. My mother in law kept knocking on the door and texting my husband for updates when I was in labor, and you could literally see on the monitors that it was affecting my health/progress every time she did. She was not informed of baby #2’s arrival until after it happened. Healthy mom and baby has to come first.

        3. Meepmeep*

          Labor is not a spectator sport. It’s a dangerous and risky medical event, and she does not owe him an invitation to watch it. If he ever goes “I wanted to be there to watch your birth, but Mom wouldn’t let me”, he’s the unreasonable one.

          What she needs during labor is perfect calm, a feeling of safety, and no external worries.

        4. Observer*

          I wouldn’t worry about what he’ll say. He hasn’t shown enough integrity or character to believe that he’ll remember and tell the story the way it happened. He’s likely to be the wronged party, no matter what she does.

          As for his “not wanting to bother” – I suggest you read Hazelnut’s prior posts on the matter. No possibility of that.

          And she does NOT need to have him at the birth! Even if he claims later that he wanted to be there, anyone who knows the story isn’t going to feel too bad, and the rest don’t matter.

    2. Observer*

      If you have spoken to a lawyer about your situation (probably would be a good idea), then ask them how to respond.

      If not, I’d try to find a lawyer, but in the meantime I’d keep the response very brief – “Baby has not been born yet.” Don’t invite a conversation and don’t offer any additional information.

      1. Auntie Social*

        Plus everyone has their 1099 tax statements now. Ask lawyer if it’s not a good idea to tell your ex to send you a copy for your files.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Observer is making me think about this, OP. I guess I would be wondering if I would put the father’s name on the birth certificate. And what are the legal implications if I don’t?

    3. Ezera*

      I think however you want to respond or not respond is the right way. it’s ok to give yourself some time to think about it.

    4. Anon Here*

      I second all of the advice to talk to a lawyer if you haven’t yet.

      However you choose to respond, consider the legal angle of it. Also consider how he could use your response – any kind of manipulation or effort to make you look bad. Stay safe, and keep us posted!

    5. MatKnifeNinja*

      You need to see legal aid, and find out what are your rights if you absolutely do not want this guy around. In my state, even substance abusers can have supervised visits if not visibly altered. The threshold to totally cutting off contact is really high.

      You play reasonable, not so much for the little one, because if this guy goes to the judge and shows he had contact (text), and concern (status update), you telling the judge you didn’t feel like dealing with him isn’t going to fly. If this is a domestic violence issue, with restraining orders that’s one thing. The judge doesn’t care about a flamed out relationship. Their viewpoint is a child needs both parents around. (Yeah, I know)

      So..I would give the plain facts. You don’t open the door. You don’t close the door. Little
      Bunny’s due date is (X) at (X) hospital. Little Bunny has a probable diagnosis of spinal bifida (example)

      I’d send him that. See what he does with it.

      Thing is, in my state, for your kid to get ANY type of public assistance, they’ll hunt down the father. The days of “unknown” or a blank line are pretty much over. And when the state starts ripping the child support out of the father’s check, fathers usually want visitation figured out.

      You don’t have to have this guy at delivery. What you don’t want is a wealthier relative tossing money at a $$$ lawyer making your life hell. Throw him enough bones to back the father off. If he’s still got an active phone, send him a pic of Little Bunny after the delivery.

      He may do absolutely nothing with the information. No harm no foul then. If you play hard ball, stone walling him, it’s gonna get ugly in family court with him whining how “as the father of this kid, he was denied information blah blah blah.”

      I have friends who are in this situation. It sucks when the guy you want 100 percent out of your life, is the father of your child. Every state is different, that’s why I suggested you finding out what your rights are. I wouldn’t play cagey, because in the end, it will get mentioned in court.

      All you owe the father right now are facts. You lay down the foundation of reasonable. If this guy fires up the legal crazy train, you gave him information and he did nothing with it.

      I hope you have a quick and easy delivery.

  77. IheardItBothWays*

    Fake game advertisements! What is the point? I see all these logic problem type ads for games when the games have absolutely none of those elements to them. I don’t want to play a battle game or a match 3 or a time management game – I want to play a logic puzzle game!

    1. WS*

      Yes! Why advertise a game that doesn’t exist! It can’t be enticing people to play the actual game for more than a few minutes, and it’s disappointing for people looking for the logic game! It’s ridiculous!

      1. em_eye*

        Reply All’s newest episode talks about this briefly! Apparently it’s very cheap to just keep making Candy Crush-type games but they have a “target demographic” that spends money so they make the fake ads, hoping that people will try them and get hooked.

        That being said, I love Puzzledom! They have a bunch of different puzzle-style games at a bunch of skill levels and add new levels/games every few months. If you like one of their games you can probably find a similar one as a stand-alone app somewhere else.

    2. Llellayena*

      Every once in a while I go searching for “games like Myst” in the hopes that a good puzzle game will appear. Mostly I find games that are about half puzzle and half hidden object. Hidden object is seriously annoying. If you’re ok with that though, Artifex Mundi has made some rather good games with that format.

      If you’re looking for just the puzzles without a storyline…let me know when you find them?

    3. mreasy*

      Reply All just did a segment about exactly this in their most recent episode, recommended listening!

    4. fposte*

      I’m fascinated by these. I’ve mentioned here before the escalation the GardenScapes ads from what seems to be basically the premise of the game–gentle garden assembly–to BDSM drama and shark attacks. OTOH, I vastly prefer that to the damn soccer moms haranguing me about Best Fiends and the unmutable followup. I will definitely listen to that Reply All episode.

  78. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Ear issues are continuing and I could use advice if anyone’s this far down the chat.
    Over the last 3 weeks my ears have been paingul, world is muffled, I’ve got terrible tinnitus & often vertigo.
    I went to a weekend clinic fearing I had the flu, but it was a cold + ear infection. Antibiotics +ear drops, and my ears actually felt worse. Went to my primary care Dr who said no ear infection, it must just be eustacian tubes needing to lose their swelling. Here have this prednisone. A week of that, no relief. Went to see the ENT because I couldn’t stand it anymore. She did a full exam including looking inside my sinuses with a scope)– no sinus infection, no ear infection, and eustacian tubes seem okay. So she has me on reflux meds, because reflux can cause ear problems. Weird but I’ll try anything. Except it’s been nearly a week, and no improvement. If anything it’s getting worse, I have to read the captions on the TV, I don’t hear people walking up and talking to me, I can hardly have a conversation.
    I’m thinking of going back to my doctor and asking him to look for the weird possibilities, because I am crying over this. Beyond 3 weeks of pain, I’m terrified that all this will have caused permanent hearing loss.

    1. OyHiOh*

      So there’s a whole bunch of things that can have symptoms of vertigo and tinnitus, the most benign of which is caused by a shift in some tiny free floating bones called crystals in the middle of your ear, the middle ground is Menier’s Disease, and worst case, possiblity of brain tumors. I would suggest a balance specialist first, because benign positional vertigo can be corrected with a few weeks of simple at home exercises and if your symptoms respond, well, that rules out all the more alarming prospects.

      1. Llellayena*

        My dad had the thing with the crystals that caused vertigo and his doc gave him positional exercises and he slept on a wedge pillow for a bit. It took a couple weeks to fully clear up but it worked wonders. Good luck figuring it out.

      2. Anono-me*

        Please be aware that some people with positional vertigo need help from a physical therapist specializing in the repositioning. The specialist uses how your eye movements to adjust the positional adjustments to your specific needs.

        I’m not saying that the adjustment exercises that you can find online don’t work for many people. But if they don’t work for you, you still may have positional vertigo, but you may need a specialist to treat it.

    2. Fikly*

      I would strongly recommend a CT at this point. There are some ear infections that are so deep that they cannot be detected without one, and you may not have been on the right antibiotics, or it may not be bacteria, etc.

      You need a definitive diagnosis.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      If your ears hadn’t already been looked at multiple times, I’d think you have a really bad case of impacted ear wax. My ears make too much wax and all my life I’ve had to have them flushed by the ear doctor. If I let it go too long, it plugs my ears. And letting it go for a long time can cause it to become very hard and impacted, deep down. Luckily I haven’t been at that point, by my husband has.

      Good luck in figuring this out. Hopefully you get relief soon.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Ears can be a quality of life issue.

      I met someone who had Menier’s and they asked me if I felt myself getting a little paranoid. Yep, I sure did.

      I have two suggestions and most definitely these ideas are not for everyone. You can check with a chiropractor to see if things are aligned correctly. I found that if I bang my head on something other things will go out of alignment and then I get all kinds of random stuff happening. There can be large time lags between when I banged my head and when I start with the problems- so connecting the dots is not always obvious.

      Second suggestion is to consider allergy. I never thought of myself as an allergy person. Turns out I have lots. For immediate suggestions, I’d try eliminating milk and sugars and anything else that seems to generate mucus. You might want to work with an allergist while doing other things concurrently.

    5. Deschain*

      I’m going through something similar (since 2017) and was initially diagnosed with Menieres, but after two years when it was clear my hearing loss was fluctuating instead of deteriorating, it was determined that I have vestibular migraines. I developed migraines after having shingles on my face in 2013, and apparently it’s not uncommon for migraines to morph into vestibular migraines after a few years. When I’m having vertigo, which comes with vomiting, diarrhea, fullness in my head/ear on one side, almost complete hearing loss on one side, and can last four to 17 hours (vertigo stops, but my hearing only bounces back so far), I never have the pain that you would normally associate with a migraine. I started verapamil a few months ago, which can be used as a migraine prevention, and I’m doing better. Tinnitus is still loud, hearing still fluctuates, and head feels muffled (almost like sinus infection, some days I feel hungover even though I haven’t drank in years and some days I have trouble walking without support) but I haven’t had any vertigo. Which is something at least! My ENT diagnosed me, but I’m treated by my PCP. Hope that helps!

  79. Blue Light Blocking Glasses*

    Do you have a pair of blue light blocking glasses that you like?

    I watch Netflix on my phone each evening while in bed and having blue light blocking glasses is essential if I’m going to be able to sleep!

    I bought a $70 pair from Lady Boss Glasses about 15 months ago and after daily use the lens are scratched and I went looking for cheaper ones before shelling out another $70!

    I tried a $17 pair from TIJN on Amazon (4 stars, 6,681 reviews) and they don’t work for me. After an hour watching videos on my phone, I get a headache. With the Lady Boss brand I can go 12 hours without a headache or sore eyes.

    Have you had good results from blue light blocking glasses? Yes/No? Which ones?

    1. Square Root of Minus One*

      I bought a pair on Kickstarter some 15 months ago. Brand is Barner. When I remember to put them on in the evening I tend to find my sleep is better.
      You might be available to find them in retail, otherwise if you’re in no hurry you might check out Kickstarter to see if there’s a campaign going on: delivery will take time though. I don’t recall the cost (between $17 and $70 for sure, but closer to $70).

    2. Lcsa99*

      If you watch it on your phone why do you need glasses? My husband uses an app (iBlue) that works well for him. You can completely customize it for whatever levels you need.

    4. Meepmeep*

      Don’t go for any glasses advertised as “blue light blocking”. Go for laser safety glasses. I got some really nice ones from Dewalt for about $9 – they’re red and block all blue and green light. I can’t see the blue LED’s on my microwave with those on. When I got some “blue light blocking” glasses for my kid, though, I could totally see blue LED’s through them, and they were much more expensive than $9, too.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      According to Matt Parker, stand-up mathematician, it’s the most palindromic day that there will ever be.

      youtube, search for video v=4fE_sXZjxng (or just search for matt parker palindrome day and you’ll find the video explaining it!)

    4. Parenthetically*

      Some friends of mine have a daughter with a palindrome name who is turning 11 today and she’s incredibly excited about all of it. So much symmetry it hurts!

  81. Kristine*

    Can I ask a stupid question from a complete indoor cat noob?

    In Norway, indoor cats are NOT the norm. A lot of people think it is animal abuse to not let the cat roam outside, even with toys and playtime. Animal shelters even refuse to adopt out cats to anyone who intend to keep them as an indoor cat.

    But the old lady (14 years old) we adopted is… sedate, seemingly content inside, has no nicks in hear ears that I would typically attribute to territorial fights, not very interested in the birds outside the window and happy to ask for playtime with feather-on-a-string. At first we kept her inside because we had just adopted her, then because it was winter and she had been in a shelter since autumn so hadn’t built a winter coat this year.

    We think she might have been an indoor cat before, but we’re just not sure. How can we tell? We’re going to open our terrace door and let her bask in the fresh air and sun of our enclosed outside space when spring arrives, but I just don’t see the point of forcing her to go outside and establish a territory against the big neighborhood cat at her age if it is not what she is used to.

    1. Asenath*

      Cats can be perfectly happy indoor only. Sometimes, they’re used to it from birth, but at one time I adopted a young adult cat who had been abandoned on the street when her former owners moved. She apparently decided on arriving in my home that indoor was much better than outdoor, and the only time she tried to go outside was when I was outside with my other cat. She (the new cat) would sniff around for no more than a couple minutes and then go to the door and meow to get back in! My original cat, born in a nice home and never neglected a day in her life, adored the outside, even after she was hit and injured by a car. After that, I did my best to keep her indoors or at least sort of safe, even training her to a harness so she could be in the garden without getting out in traffic (I’d just moved to a new area, and I wish my new neighbours had told me about the death rate of cats in the street BEFORE the accident!) Anyway, that particular cat was scared of nothing. She used to sit on the fence sneering at the neighbours’ son’s rottweilers and driving them into canine hysterics until their owner took them inside. So, whether a cat likes being indoors all the time depends on the cat and its personality as well as its past experiences, and if your cat has the option in the spring to go outside, she might take it and she might not.

      One of my later cats arrived in my home because his arrival in his previous neighbourhood caused cat fights with all the local cats which were outdoor cats with homes, so you might have reason to be concerned about a new cat establishing territory. On the other hand, he was a stray, young, un-neutered male at the time, which may have affected the degree to which the local cats considered him a threat. He was a real sweetie, though, and I miss him – most of my cats have lived long lives, but he got sick with a kidney problem that advanced quickly and that the vet couldn’t do much about.

    2. Hazy Days*

      I have a cat who was previously indoor only. I give her the choice now and she likes to go out for about 15 mins per day in winter – look round the garden, come back inside. She likes being outside in summer much, much more.
      Why not Give her the option if you think it’s safe and see what happens?

    3. Washi*

      This is definitely not a stupid question! The only fight I’ve had with my childhood bestie where we’ve had to just agree never to speak of this again is about this topic. She feels like apparently many Norwegians do (she grew up in Europe, so maybe that’s why?), that if you have a cat, forcing it to stay indoors is abusive. I am horrified by the impact of cats on bird/other wildlife populations and think that all cats should be indoors and if you don’t like that, you shouldn’t get one.

      But I think even we could agree that if your cat doesn’t want to be outdoors, then there’s no reason to force her!

    4. The Other Dawn*

      “A lot of people think it is animal abuse to not let the cat roam outside”

      In the US, where I am, it’s the total opposite. Many people think it’s cruel and abusive to let a cat outside; I don’t.

      Growing up, our cats were all indoor/outdoor and that was normal. Nowadays, it’s not. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that all my cats will be indoor-only. Not because I think it’s a terrible thing or abusive to let them outside, but because I’ve had one too many cats disappear over the years. One of them I even found dead on the side of the road after being hit by a car. And now I live in an area where there’s much more wildlife than my previous neighborhood, so I don’t want to take the chance of letting them out, only to be killed by a fox or something.

      My advice is to see if she wants to go out. If she does, she does. If not, let her stay indoors. I don’t see a reason to force her outside if that’s not what she wants. Forcing her outside when she doesn’t want to be out there has the potential to be traumatizing for her.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’m in the US also. When I was a kid, our cats were outdoor kitties, but they usually didn’t live as long. My kitties now are indoor-only to keep them safe, and they seem OK with it. If they did try to go outside, I’d probably take a kitty on a harness.

        Maybe it’s safer in Europe, but where I live, there are coyotes and raccoons. There is also danger from cars, dogs, other cats, and sometimes humans.

    5. Lena Clare*

      If she seems happier indoors then I’d say let her be, and the option to go out if she wants it when it’s warmer weather. I’m sure she’ll let you know :)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      From what I am seeing here the common believe is the life expectancy of an outdoor cat is about 1 year. Since this info is widely distributed it probably helps to explain the indoor choices over here. People go with what they see or are informed. I rescued a kitty years ago. About 14 months later, she was the only survivor, her litter mates and mother were all dead because of various reasons. They were all kept outside. I had my little girl for over ten years.

      Until recent years drivers did not have to stop if they hit a cat. Drivers only had to stop when they hit a dog. This probably helped to reinforce the idea of keeping kitty home as hit and runs were “okay” (wth). But laws have been changed at least in my state, we have to stop and find the owner now. I don’t think everyone does stop.

      I live in a farming community and we have a lot of barn cats here. They help control the pest population on a farm. So there is that. Folks who keep barn cats are less apt to think of them as house pets.

      Yours sounds like an indoor cat. I think my biggest tip off is that you don’t mention any major problems so far this winter. If she were an outdoor cat, she probably would have told you in stereo by now. I mean she would have really expressed herself over this point, you would not be still trying to figure it out.

      What I would do is just keep her inside especially since she seems to want that and just don’t talk about it too much, so you don’t have to deal with criticism all the time.

      And thanks from this internet stranger for keeping her inside where she is safe.

      1. Grace*

        The life expectancy claim is honestly nonsense, though. I’ve asked multiple times for the source of the claim, and never been given one – the closest I’ve found is one that conflated feral cats with owned cats that were allowed outside, and that still gave 2.5 years. Of course a cat with no vaccinations and no healthcare is going to die young!

        Meanwhile, my cats have all been allowed outside, as have all the ones I’ve known that are owned by family members, and the running tally of life expectancies are one year (euthanasia due to brain tumour), sixteen years (stroke), seventeen years (euthanasia due to general deterioration of condition), and twenty-one years (euthanasia due to facial tumour). My ten-year-old and my aunt’s eighteen-year-old are still both going strong.

        That’s normal in most of Europe. I’m not going to adopt a young able-bodied cat when I’m in a situation that prevents me from letting them outside. If I can’t give my cat a garden, I’ll adopt one that specifically needs to be indoor-only (FIV+ etc, blind, deaf – I’ve had cats go blind or deaf due to age, but by that time they were too old to jump a fence, so we were still comfortable letting them out the flap into the back garden at will) or focus on fostering. Even my twenty-one year old spent her final night before euthanasia wandering around the garden, investigating smells and sitting on the grass with us. I’m not willing to take that away from a cat.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          “The life expectancy claim is honestly nonsense, though.”

          I agree. Growing up and for most of my adult life, all my cats were outdoor cats. With the exception of a few, they all lived well beyond 10 years. Now I keep mine inside, but that’s due partly to living in an area with more abundant, bigger wildlife, and partly due to having found one dead on the side of the road after being hit by a car.

          I used to think it was cruel to keep them inside, as did most people I knew while I was growing up, but now I see that they can live full lives just fine and I’m OK with them staying in.

          My personal opinion is that if the cat is happy inside, keep him in. If they enjoy being outside, let them out. I can see and understand both sides of it.

      2. londonedit*

        One year? That’s utter madness. My family has always had outdoor cats (it’s the norm in most of the UK; here in London you have more indoor cats because people live in flats with no outdoor access, but plenty of people think it’s cruel not to let a cat roam outside) and our cats have lived to ridiculous ages (two of them lived to be over 20).

    7. MissDisplaced*

      This really depends on where you live, even within the US. I now hate to see kitties roaming outdoors because of cars and foxes and FIV. My current cats are both indoor-only cats and are happy (they have windows). I expect them to live well into their teens.

      But we Once had a cat who adopted us (he belonged to neighbors who didn’t want him). He was an indoor/outdoor cat, but you know, as he got older he preferred to stay indoors where he was warm, comfortable and loved. So, if your kitty is happy indoors, or doesn’t show interest in going out, no it is NOT cruel to keep them in. Instead, provide her with a cat tree or perch in a sunny window and she’ll likely live out her days content without the great outdoors.

    8. TL -*

      In New Zealand, my cat loved going outside. She only got limited time outside and only during the day, because of the birds, but she would go explore the surrounding yards then come inside when called or tired.
      In Texas, I couldn’t get her outside for love or money most days, and we were on a ranch so she had lots of land to safely explore (though not at night, because of predators.)
      Now we’re in Boston and she’ll happily go out for very short jaunts on her harness or pop out briefly when I’m taking the trash out but she’s not particularly interested unless I’m going with her.
      Cats can be happy indoors or outdoors. If she’s not interested in going outside, that’s fine.

    9. RMNPgirl*

      When I adopted my cat, she had been picked up as a stray. I had no issues keeping her in, she wouldn’t go near an open door. A few years later, we moved to Iowa and I got a townhouse and she completely changed! Started wailing at the door every day to go outside. It didn’t matter what I did to try and make the indoors exciting, she was going to go out.
      I think if you can keep a cat indoors and they’re happy great, but some cats want to be outside and I think it’s cruel to force them to stay inside. Not to mention that it’s cruel on me (the wailing gets old, real quick)!

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cats do change their minds though. If your vet has microchip technology it’s still worth chipping her. Sometimes an indoor cat will get an idea to chase sunbeams into the great outdoors, or a plumber will forget about the cat and prop the door open. Indoor cats outdoors sometimes get scared and lost.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think the most important thing I have learned is that *I* will forget something when I write a budget.
      Car registration.
      Salt for the Culligan system.
      Whoops, dog’s rabies shot.

      I think it is very helpful to consider a budget as a starting point and consider it as a work in progress. New things come up, other things get forgotten then suddenly remembered. I think that as each year goes by, I get a sharper keener sense of all of what goes into writing my budget.

      However you pick to handle your budget tracking, hang on loosely, don’t get tense over forgotten stuff. Just add it on and you will write a sharper plan next year.

      I still use paper and pen for reasons. Maybe in the future I will try something online. For now, it really helps me to focus if I do it the old-fashioned way.

      1. Parenthetically*

        This advice is right up my alley. I hate the pressure of trying to remember ALL THE THINGS, and the commitment of doing an online program.

    3. Alex*

      I don’t try to remember to track things as I do them. Instead, I log into my credit card and bank account sites every few days, and record my transactions in batches into my own budget spreadsheet from there.

      This is easiest if you limit the amount of cash you use. I rarely use cash at all so it is always clear where my money is going. When I do use cash, I record just that withdrawal from the ATM as a transaction and assign it to a budget category (or sometimes split it over two categories).

      1. university minion*

        Same. I also have one checking account that serves as a clearing account for everything except pre-tax retirement deductions. All money coming in or leaving goes through my checking account.
        I have one credit card that all purchases go on, and check it every couple of days.
        I keep my life and finances intentionally simple, so there’s less to keep track of.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Interesting. I take the opposite approach. I use credit cards for only a handful of recurring monthly charges, and all other spending I use cash for, because for me it’s a lot easier to just pay for something on credit, see a number, and have that number not fully register… than to take out actual physical bills and see the money disappearing as I’m spending.

        1. university minion*

          I was nervous about moving my spend to a credit card, but now that it’s been a few years, it’s no big deal. I always pay the full balance and can easily keep track of what I buy. The resultant rebate check (Costco, woot!) is worth it. I didn’t find my spending increased.
          I’m glad you have a way that works for you! There are so many ways to budget well (and lots of ways to do it wrong, too!).

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      I’ve just switched to a method by Fun Cheap Or Free and I’m loving it. They have a whole boot camp class you can buy, but you can get the gist of it from their website and videos for free. We’re just getting started and we’ve modified it a bit, but it seems to be working for us on the micro level.

      We used to use YNAB and I would enter all our transactions. Sometimes I’d enter them by hand and sometimes I’d import them in batches, but either way, it took so much time I couldn’t keep up so I rarely got to moving money around on the budget area and I never did the actual planning in advance part. I’d get these thick piles of receipts from my husband every few weeks and it was overwhelming. We were just documenting our spending, not changing it.

      FCOF combines regular expense tracking with the cash envelope system. You could use YNAB’s methods on the big expenses. They use very few categories, which can make tracking and prioritizing easier. What I’m loving most is the envelope part. Each person has two categories to manage: groceries and other. Groceries is all consumables: food, paper goods, shampoo, make-up. Other is all the other non-regular day-to-day spending. I’m still figuring that out for me- this month it held two trips to Home Depot for small repairs. Instead of budgeting by the month, you budget by the week. And you’re only focusing on *your* two categories. Your partner has their own two, which can also include groceries. You can borrow across your two categories – use Other money to buy extra groceries – but you can’t borrow from next week. I’m using plastic to pay for things, but I record my purchases on my envelope as soon as I go shopping. The envelope holds any receipts I might need for a return until that’s been done and then I pass them along. I’m a paper person at heart and I like how accessible the information is. I love that I’m only responsible for managing and tracking my spending on a day-to-day basis.

    5. Meepmeep*

      I find that I do better when I use an automatic tracker like Mint. That way I can see how our grocery spend for the month is doing, or our parking spend, or whatever other variable expense, without doing too much extra data entry.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I also use Mint – it lets me organize a variety of accounts all in the same place (I do a lot of transfers to dedicated savings accounts).

        I’ve recently also looked at CountAbout, PersonalFinance and Moneydance. PersonalCapital can’t split transactions into multiple categories (which was a dealbreaker for me) and has crappy budgeting options, CountAbout was spectacularly not user friendly, and most of my banks are not on the compatibility list for Moneydance, so I am sticking with Mint.

        My only two grumbles about Mint are that my main checking account has to be manually reconnected every time to update, which is pretty minor, and that it gets Aggressively Halpful and consistently tags a lot of my transfers to the wrong categories. I can’t tell it to stop, and I can’t avoid that with rules, because I have a system where I tag transfers one way until both halves of the transfer post to the respective accounts, then I match them up and tag them a different way so all the completed transfers balance out to zero and I can see at a glance which ones are still pending somewhere. But at least it’s consistent in getting it wrong (they’re always tagged as credit card payments), so I can usually find the wrong ones pretty easily and fix them. :P

  83. Beancat*

    We just adopted twin boy kittens!! I’m picking them up tonight and I admit I’m a bit terrified despite how excited I am. I haven’t had cats since my sweet girls passed in 2016, and despite having them since they were kittens I was very young when we got them and I was not involved in any purchasing decisions about their care.

    Could anyone please share any advice about being a kitten parent for the first time ever?

    Thank you!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Keep a camera handy.

      A friend got a dog at the same time we did so our dogs were litter mates. omg. The things they came up with. We’d babysit our friend’s dog when he went away. It was amazing to watch these two siblings interact. They had their own language and their own rules for interaction.

      I got them one very looong dog chew. I have pics of the two of them on the living room carpet and each one is chew on one end of the same dog chew. Too funny.

      But my point is that litter mates tend to help each other and tend to teach each other. A friend got a pair of litter mate kittens. It took a while before he realized one was deaf. He figured it out because the hearing kitten would always go the deaf kitten when fresh food was put out. The hearing kitten could hear the food prep noises and instinctively knew to go inform the non-hearing kitten.

      Watch for how they help each other and how they teach each other. It’s very interesting.

      1. Beancat*

        Oh my gosh that’s so PRECIOUS! Thank you for all of the heads up!

        My girls were litter mates and it was so important to me to adopt siblings if we could. Up until the end of their lives I would still catch them cuddling on my husband’s lap, paws and tails touching.

    2. No Tribble At All*

      Awwww yay congrats! My advice is to practice husbandry behaviors on them while they’re young and can’t escape, so they get used to it. Touch their lil paws and their belly, pick them up and cuddle them even if they squirm. You’ll need to trim their claws, and it’s much easier if you start now. Look up the Helpful Vancouver Vet on YouTube and also Cole and Marmalade for how-to videos :) We got our kitties when they were 2 months old and the first time we tried to trim their claws we felt like monsters because of sad pathetic kitty cries. Now I can pick them up, flip them over, and trim claws on all 4 paws with only moderate amounts of disgruntled squawking (plus I give them treats afterwards).

      Also if they’re not fixed, get them fixed as soon as it’s safe to do so (usually when they’re > 2 lbs).

      Congrats on your new boys!! Two kittens will be much better behaved than one kitten because they’ll learn appropriate amounts of roughhousing from each other. And the crazy kitten phase is always hilarious.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes to getting them used to handling! It makes a big difference when you start them young. It will make it so much easier on you (and your vet) when it comes to having to medicate at some point if they can get used to being handled, nails clipped, groomed, and whatever else.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes! Also, on behavior, begin as you mean to go on. If climbing on the counters or chewing on your toes won’t be acceptable when they’re adults, it’s not acceptable now, no matter how cute it is. :)

        Also, my vet’s suggestion is to leave their carrier out and around, if you can, so that it doesn’t become a Big Bad Scary Thing that only comes out when they go to the vet. If they’re used to it, and maybe even accustomed to hanging out in it as a safe space, then in an emergency, it’ll be a lot easier to get them corralled into it. (Kinda like crate training with dogs? If the crate is a place of punishment, getting them to settle down in it is a nightmare, but if they correlate it with treats and relaxing… )

      3. Beancat*

        Thank you for all of the advice! They are actually already fixed, which is a good thing.

        When my husband said he wanted a kitten, I said “you know that means two, right?” And he thought for a minute before agreeing. So! Everything fell into place and put these kittens right in our path right after.

        And thank you for the tips on husbandry!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      First of all, thank you for adopting two kittens together. They will entertain each other and your home might not be quite as destroyed as with one. ;)

      As NSNR says, keep the camera handy at all times, because kittens are adorable, loads of fun, and their antics are usually camera-worthy.

      Kitten-proof the house. If you have blinds and they’re the ones that still have cords, make sure they’re not tied together (risk of getting caught and strangulation). Better yet, flip them up over the curtain rod so the kittens can’t even reach them. Make sure you don’t have newspapers/flyers/paper laying around. Most cats love to chew and/or tear apart paper. (Or maybe it’s just my cats that are jerks like this.) Make sure if you have any living plants in the house that they’re not poisonous to cats. Cats like to nibble on plants. They also enjoy knocking them over. (Again, maybe it’s just my cats…)

      Buy scratching posts so they can stretch their paws, shed old nail sheaths, and generally not scratch the furniture. (PSA: I know you didn’t say this and I’m not making an assumption you will do this, but please don’t declaw. I volunteer with a rescue and have seen how this negatively affects cats. It used to be popular years ago because there wasn’t a lot of education by vets around it, but now that people know what actually takes place, it’s been banned in some states.)

      Get a variety of toys so they can see what they like. Although, being kittens, they typically like anything not nailed down. Anything from a filthy piece of fuzz to a nice teaser wand. Just know that no matter what you buy, they may completely ignore it and go for the box in which it came.

      Congrats and enjoy!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        One of my husband’s cats’ favorite toy that isn’t stuffed with catnip is my dog’s old tennis ball. She chases it around the house way more than the dog ever did. :)

      2. Beancat*

        For sure, I will never declaw. That’s an absolute no for me!

        I’m so happy to take two at once! Like I said my girls were litter mates and they loved each other so much I couldn’t bear to break that up.

        I’m not 100% sure about my plant so it has been safely locked in the bedroom by the window, where they will not be for now at least, and I will do more research and figure out if I can keep it.

        I think we’re mostly kitten proofed (I want to tape down a few of the cables for our systems yet) but thank you for the reminded about the blinds!

        Thank you so much!! I can’t wait to pick them up :)

      3. Aphrodite*

        Yes, kitten proof your house. This means getting down on your stomach. Cover all unused outlets so they can’t dig their little claws in out of curiosity. Never discard dental floss, string, ribbon, or anything even slightly resembling it in any other but a closed container they cannot open at all. (I bought these dog food bins on Amazon that I used for dry food, for garbage and for the bathroom trash can; not taken any chances.) Don’t allow any food smells to remain when cleaning up after yourself and/or the cats. Refrigerate it, put it in canning jars or storage containers, etc. Watch to see they don’t go after cords.

        Good toys can be cheap and handmade: cardboard boxes, aluminum foil balls that are large enough for them to carry in their mouths without getting fully into their mouth, and so on. My cats love wheat grass but I have to monitor their usage because they will eat too much at one time and throw it up.

        Oh, and decor and holiday decorations: watch for glass ones that can break. Secure them or put them in containers where they cannot be accessed.

        If you have plants double check the ASPCA list of plants toxic (and safe) for cats. One of mine loves to eat them, the other ignores them but I have gone to a faux Christmas tree and no real plants at all.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Have they been to the veterinarian yet? Either way, it’s a good idea to call the vet you plan to take your kitties to, let the office know about the kitties, any vet care so far, etc. so that they can let you know when to bring them in for shots and exams.

      Kittens are good at getting underfoot, so watch where you step, especially if you take a step backwards. They’re also good at getting into an open drawer, going to the back of it, and jumping down to the next (closed) drawer, so watch out for that. I’ve had to pull out a few drawers to be sure to get the kitten out without hurting it.

      Getting 2 at once is great! They’ll entertain each other. Kittens get into a lot of stuff that cats don’t bother with.

      When I bring kitties home, I usually show them where the litter box is first so they know where it is. Some places recommend limiting kitties to 1 room at first (with food, water, litter box, and places to hide) so they have a smallish area to feel safe in for a while.

      Make sure they don’t get any grapes, raisins, onions, garlic, or chocolate – all of them are toxic for cats.

      Have fun!

  84. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    How do you organize and archive (for lack of a better term) your old computer files? Do you have a system for keeping things you might want to look at someday, deleting stuff you don’t want, organizing your photos, keeping all your cloud storage (e.g. dropbox, onedrive, google drive) either synchronized or at least populated with relevant files?

    I had a system but it’s been neglected for a few years and now it’s a bit of a mess. I’ve been pondering ways to update it and wondered if anyone had any particularly successful methods or processes. This is all my own personal stuff (including old academic research), by the way, not files on a work computer.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      I mostly concern myself with financial and medical records. Photos, meh…

      The big thing for me is taxes. I have a major folder for TAXES, with sub folders by year. The annual folders contain all the 1099s, W-2s, 1098s, return copies with all supporting schedules, and so forth. Any correspondence from the IRS or state agencies gets scanned and stored there, too.

      There’s also a folder for tax-adjacent, such as property tax bills and contribution statements. The files that are relevant to a particular year get moved to that year’s tax file when I start doing the returns for that year. The permanent files (cost basis, depreciation schedules, etc.) stay there. Someday, I will sell my rental property and need all that information.

      The rental property also has its own major folder. I get statements from the management agency each month, with invoice and work order copies. When I get the year-end statement, I discard (should discard; I may be behind just a smidgen) the monthly statements, but keep the attachments. So each year has a sub-folder here, too. This is also where I store records of anything I pay directly. When I compile a summary of expenses by line item (IRS schedule E), that goes both in the rental property folder and the tax folder for the year.

      It may be stupidly trusting of me, but I let my brokerage track the basis of my investments. So I don’t keep a lot of investment information myself. It would be overwhelming otherwise: I’ve been investing in stocks since the 1980s, and only own one of my original choices.

      Employment records is another folder. Umpteen versions of my resume over the years, benefit information, old contact lists of people who probably don’t work there any more either…

      Medical folder, with sub-folders for insurance and medical records. If I can’t remember what year I had the arthroscopy, or my last colonoscopy, or the name of the doctor that I went to for X, it’s probably there. Also, if it looks as though I may qualify for the medical expense deduction (God forbid), I can find substantiating information here.

      There is still a folder on Dropbox from when I was executor of my parents’ estates, because it made it easy to share files with the lawyer and the other heirs. It’s been ten years, so maybe I could delete that?

      There’s another major folder for music I uploaded from vinyl and CDs. I haven’t looked at it in years, but it’s there if I want it. I could probably recreate it if necessary, because somehow I never quite got around to discarding the original media…

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Just saying, this is super impressive!! I have a good backup drive sitting here waiting for me to move over the (unused) desktop files, multiple cds, and many items. (I will also find a home on the cloud, I just want both right now).
        What do you use for cloud services besides dropbox? Or is that the service of choice for you?

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Dancing Otter, are you me? :D A lot of that sounded VERY familiar, so rather than start from scratch, I’ll mention where yours differs from mine.

        I have a “Money” folder that has a Tax folder like yours (which has FY#### folders), folders for each of my parents’ estates, and a folder for each of my financial institutions. The last one contains all my statements, which I download once a year. I also don’t track cost basis…it’s listed on my statements! And I scan in any medical documents that I can’t get online (via a secure patient portal), then shred.

        I do differ with you about photos, though. I have a lot of folders, mostly things like “Pets” and “House” where I move photos of our pets and our house (like its interior, so wall hangings and other stuff) from my Camera Uploads folder (which, if you don’t know, Dropbox automagically puts every phone pic you take in there for you if you want). I tend to weed out photos from the CU folder after I take them, otherwise I just keep everything. It’s kind of neat, scrolling back through the years. I also have a Flickr account where I organized photos from some events that I wanted to share with people in album form.

        Anyway, I have Dropbox and Google Drive for reasons I won’t go into here, and not only are some of those files on at least 6 or 7 devices (my work computer doesn’t sync a lot of files, like financial records or personal photo folders, for example), I back both up to my network storage server.

  85. Dating help needed anon*

    Hi all, this is just to thank all those who replied to my long post last week about dating Jeff. I posted my thank you on Monday evening, but that is obviously outside of the weekend and so unlikely that any of you saw it. So thank you once again for your kind, insightful and candid advice about my love life, it really helped. Wishing you all a nice Sunday.

  86. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone read James Patterson? Do you like his books? What’s the feel and writing style?

    I’m looking for some new authors and it happened a new book of his, The Inn, came up in my Amazon book recommendation email this morning. I tried to download a sample from Amazon, but it doesn’t have that option for his books from what I can tell.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Ah, hit Submit too soon. Genres I like: thrillers, typically law enforcement (FBI, CIA, etc.); plagues and other pandemic-type books; apocalypse; and historic versions of these genres. To give you an idea, I currently read a lot of David Baldacci, Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, Stephen King, Ken Follett, and Robert McCammon.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It’s been a minute since I read any Patterson, but I think you’d be alright, given the rest of what you list. I always mentally lump his stuff in with Preston/Child and Baldacci myself.

    2. WellRed*

      I used to love Patterson but now he cranks out books every month, co authoring. I think they just put his name on it. The older Alex Cross stuff and the Women’s Murder Club series is where I’d direct you. If you like plague stuff and some of the others in your list, I highly recommend Michael Crichton.

      1. Please Don't*

        I haven’t read the newer co-authored stuff. Do like Alex Cross. He does tend to be an easy read.

      2. Ada Lovelace*

        Agreed – highly recommend his early fiction. The first book of his I read was “cradle and all” in high school and it terrified me. He’s putting out books so quickly now and they’re so very mystery by the number. You can clearly see the difference in writing styles between the older books and everything past 2013.

    3. Rebecca*

      I like the Women’s Murder Club series, and the Private series (Jack Morgan). I’ve read a few others, so maybe I need to get into the Alex Cross ones, too.

  87. Lucette Kensack*

    I’ve been in the thick of a life-changing health crisis. I was hospitalized at the beginning of the year, and still don’t have a diagnosis, and it’s been terrifying.

    But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel finally. I am having surgery tomorrow at the Mayo Clinic. Best case, the surgery is the end of it and all is well. Worst case, they’ll be able to determine what’s going on and come up with a treatment plan and we’ll go from there.

    I’ve seen a zillion doctors over the past six weeks and it was confusing and frustrating and I had to do a ton of my own research and advocacy. And then last week I got to Mayo, and in 60 minutes my amazing new doctor had explained everything, pulled all the threads together, told me what he thought was going on and what else could be going on, walked me through the various treatment pathways that would result, and gotten me appointments for the various pre-surgical tests (blood, ecg, another scan, etc.) for later that same day so I could take care of everything right there. Plus the clinic itself is fancy AF; I finally felt taken care of by the medical system.

    So, my two takeaways and strong recommendations so far:

    1) If you have a complex medical issue (or are having difficulty getting a diagnosis) and you can possibly make it work, get yourself to Mayo. It is genuinely unlike any medical experience I’ve had.

    2) Specific to my health issue: If you have a new lump on your neck or throat, go see a doctor immediately and be prepared to advocate for yourself. Masses on the necks of adults are usually malignant. But if you are a woman, under 40, and/or a non-smoker, many primary care doctors will dismiss it as an impossibility that you could have head and neck cancer — until the last five years or so, doctors believed that young, nonsmoking women just didn’t get head and neck cancers, but there is a newly emerging epidemic of HPV-related neck cancers that at first glance look and act like benign cysts. You want your doctors to refer you to an ENT and order a CT and/or a fine needle biopsy.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Wow… sending you the strongest most encouraging vibes that I can.

      You did a great public service here. Thank you.

      Please keep us posted?

    2. fposte*

      Wow, Lucette, that sounds like a very stressful ride. I had not heard about the HPV-related neck cancers–thank you for spreading that valuable information. Good luck to you on the surgery tomorrow and I hope that it gives you a clear way forward and a peaceful recovery.

      I haven’t done Mayo, which is legendary for care coordination as well as excellence, but I’ve definitely headed to top 10 centers well outside of my small town, and it’s very worth it.

    3. Fikly*

      I’m so glad you are getting the help you need!

      Mayo can be amazing, but there are some conditions/areas they are genuinely not good at, and also the locations vary. I know people with mast cell disorders who have had very bad dismissive treatment from them, and had to get diagnosed elsewhere.

      Sadly nowhere is good at everything. I’m not saying this to knock your experience at all – more to say, if you have something complex and unknown going on, and Mayo says I don’t know, it doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find an answer elsewhere. They are not the best at everything.

    4. StellaBella*

      I am sending you lots of good vibes and good health wishes. The late King of Jordan was treated at Mayo, that was the first time I had heard of them. Good advice for advocacy for one’s self, thanks, and it would be nice if all hospitals in the USA were amazing. Good luck with surgery and best wishes that soon this is over and you are back to being healthy again!

    5. NicoleK*

      Mayo may be great, but only if you can get an appointment there. We tried to get my father an appointment at Mayo and were denied.

    6. Okay, Boomer*

      Lucette, sending healing thoughts and good news. My cousin had exactly what you have and was diagnosed and treated at Mayo. Two years later cancer-free and fine. Yes, fancy as AF and they have a great gift shop.

    7. Mimmy*

      It’s so wonderful to hear of a positive experience at a medical facility! Best of luck on your surgery tomorrow and, if necessary, any followup treatments.

      I knew that HPV can increase the risk of cervical cancer but never knew that it can also cause some neck cancers. Interesting and scary.

  88. Anon PhD*

    Question about sleep patterns and readjustment after a PhD or a big draining life event. I think I posted here before (I truly don’t remember how much though) about post PhD recovery and life afterwards. I think I may have posted around Christmas time. It’s honestly quite exhausting and I’m curious if any of you have dealt with something like this. I have had a sleep disturbace since May…I had it on and off until then, regularly checked in with my doc on it and he prescribed a non-addictive sleep aid. I trust my GP, he’s helped me get out of a bad IBS slump too, and stomach is in good shape now. But the sleep thing is brutal…my sleep was good until my then casual bf announced he was moving across the country for a new job. I knew it was coming and I knew him and I didn’t have a future..but…there was a regularity to my casual relationship with him and to the thesis revisions self imposed schedule I had. Once he announced his departure, my stomach took a turn for the worse and so did my sleep. School admin issues presented other stressful challenges, which further messed up my sleep, but the sleep aid worked then. However, my sleep still isn’t back to normal, I am still on that sleep aid, and over the past month my sleep got worse. I started dating a new, nice man, still seeing how that will go, but that brought on anxiety over mistakes I made in past relationships…I got a therapist, working through it, but not easy. And I fall asleep fine, but I keep waking up at 2 or 3 am even on the medication and it is brutal..I eventually fall back asleep but it’s restless; yes I meditate and have a meditating app. I had a few good nights of sleep over the past month..after a good date with said man, during a spa getaway weekend and after a Sunday of doing nearly nothing. My dear girlfriends noticed that the PhD taught me to overload myself and sometimes I still do it..they advised me to cut back…I signed up for two activities a dance class and a winter sport…and I do the occasional yoga class…but even with those, I have to watch that my week isn’t overloaded…sigh. My dayjob is kind of precarious and high pressure because of constant reorgs(I think I mentioned that before) and I am working on networking and job applications..but need to keep that in check timewise and energy too. In a way, I miss the routine of the PhD…yes…it did mess me up for present day, but during the time I was working on it, I had a firm set of rules to follow to get it done, while balancing with my dayjob. Daily life outside of academia is obviously not like that, I even struggle with decisions about how to manage my free time, though I haven’t done a bad job of it. I really want good sleep and it sucks so bad to struggle with it. I also lost 5lbs in about 3months, which feels scary (I am small framed), but when you’re not sitting all the time and being more physically active, perhaps that is quite normal? I am seeing my GP this week, because the recent weight loss and sleep worsening over the past month have been freaking me out…but really needed to get this off my chest here and wanted to know if you can relate. Thanks for reading if you do.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      My situation wasn’t quite as extreme, but to be honest, I’m not sure I’m still totally recovered from PhD stress and it’s been 8 years since I graduated!

    2. where's my cat*

      well, after my masters I was unemployed and I slept for 12 hours a night for … months. 3 or 4 months. It would’ve taken me much longer if I’d had a day job. It was a really draining experience.

  89. Meepmeep*

    How does one regain one’s joy in making music?

    I’m a fairly serious piano player. I perform at various festivals and stuff like that. I used to love it. And then I had a kid, went through serious PPD hell and work stress, and – well – now I don’t. It doesn’t bring joy anymore. I still have performances on my calendar and I have to practice, but it feels like something I have to do. Not something I like to do.

    I want to get back to the point that I like it again. Music has been a huge part of my life for so long. Has anyone been there and do any of you have any advice?

    1. zyx*

      I’m a not-so-serious musician, but: What if you stop scheduling performances and therefore don’t have to practice? Do you think that, if you gave yourself permission not to play and took a break, you’d eventually miss it and want to play again?

      I love music but discovered early that I hate performing (I get anxious to the point that I throw up), and I’ve found that the amount of time I spend playing waxes and wanes depending on other things in my life. For the past year I’ve played very little, but I know my instruments will still be there when I go back to them. It’s a comforting feeling. :)

      Best of luck!

      1. MeepMeep*

        I tried it, and I just kept going on with my daily drudgery and no music. I took a couple of months off and nothing changed, except that my fingers got rustier.

        Maybe I need a longer break.

        1. Anon Here*

          Or use your break time differently? I stayed engaged with music during my break. I listened to my recordings and critiqued them as if they were someone else’s – thinking about what I liked and didn’t like and how I would describe the music. I got more objective about it. I also worked on art to go with it all. I just didn’t practice, took about six weeks off from social media, didn’t perform, didn’t promote my work and didn’t book any shows. Musician friends were horrified; it’s seen as bad for your career. But I think I’m better off for it.

          Do you have other creative projects? I find that rotating them helps me to stay fresh. If I get sick of one, I just switch to another. I also revisit my early sources of inspiration, like the music I listened to when I was a kid.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      I was able to re-find my joy in music by switching types. I used to play classical violin with an orchestra and had to take a break. When I had time to get back into it, I was really interested in learning how to fiddle. So that’s what I do now. It’s been fun exploring this different style of music and being around my classmates. They’re almost all older learners who are new to the violin and I’m inspired by how they devote themselves to this difficult and time consuming hobby. I also bridged the gap between orchestral music and fiddling by promising myself that I’d play every time my child asked me to. I learned her favorite songs so she would ask me more often.

      How long do you have until your last scheduled performance? I think a break would be a good idea. Or maybe call it a sabbatical and try something completely different.

      1. MeepMeep*

        The next scheduled performance is in late May, and it’s a big festival, so I do need to prepare. I took some time off, but it didn’t help – I seemed to be just fine with a musicless existence. I don’t want to be fine with a musicless existence.

    3. puffle*

      I go through similar phases with playing the violin. What I usually try to do is forget whatever I feel I ‘should’ play (ie for performances etc) and just browse YouTube until I find a piece that just really catches my imagination, and I give it a shot (if I can find the sheet music online.

      Not part of my repertoire? Not a stretch piece to help me improve? Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s fun to play! Cinema soundtracks are great for this, I often pick favourite pieces from films

    4. where's my cat*

      I don’t know how old your child is, but even without ppd, it took me several years to get back to really enjoying activities. Give yourself a break, if you can, and then try to get back to it.

    5. RagingADHD*

      This isn’t specific to music, but when my creative well is dry and the art I love turns into a chore, it’s because I haven’t been experiencing or consuming enough art to feed my soul.

      Doesn’t have to be the same art form – going to a museum or play, even an exquisite garden, reading some wonderful books.

      Getting one’s RDA of beauty is especially tricky with kids. It’s worth carving out time for, it can make all the difference.

      1. MeepMeep*

        Yeah, and part of my problem is that my kid doesn’t like the same music I do and doesn’t like it when I play music. I definitely haven’t been getting my RDA of musical beauty.

    6. university minion*

      I burnt out hard at the end of getting a degree in music. Didn’t play at all for 8 years after that. I went out on a limb and joined a small-town community band. It was just the right fit. We played the classics – nothing too highbrow, but not crap – and if I needed to miss a rehearsal because of work, it wasn’t a big deal. As word got out that I could play a bit and was a good reader, I occasionally took gigs but nothing serious. I’ve since moved to a larger city where even the community band requires a level of commitment that I’m not willing to make. It doesn’t sound fun. I do play a bit around the house, but would like to find that casual group experience again.

    7. Anon Here*

      Yes! I finally took a few months off from playing live and it REALLY helped. I was burned out on the business and social side of it. Not only from my own experiences but also from friends’ experiences. From dealing with the more brutal side of it alone while also being a support system for people who got burned by it. I started to feel really old and full of trauma and kind of checked out.

      After taking a break, I feel more energetic about it. And as a result, I’m playing better, and writing better music, and bringing a better attitude to it all.

      You, yourself, are essential to your art. So make TLC a part of your creative process.

    8. OyHiOh*

      MeepMeep, PPD is absolutely brutal, as you well know. But even when you are “over” PPD, it takes a lot of time for your brain to return to normal habits and interests. I developed PPD after the birth of my first son and had diagnose-able symptoms until my youngest was 2 – seven straight years of hell. I didn’t regain interest in my old interests and hobbies until youngest child was 5, three years after symptoms eased enough that I wasn’t diagnose-able anymore.

      If at all possible, I would strongly recommend trying to take at least a calendar year off from performing, including the festivals you already have scheduled. In the meantime, fill your soul with music and creativity however you can. Try something new, a new instrument – I took up recorder in the midst of PPD and I suspect it’s part of what helped me pull out; learning to play Bach pieces I memorized on piano and violin both, in an entirely new format felt like learning a new language, with all of the neural flexibility a language requires – writing, drawing/painting, dancing, literally learn a foreign language. I personally get a lot out of process interviews – a writer talking about *how* they develop their work, but my brain is weird, LOL! Quite a few top tier university systems put a lot of creative performances on their YouTube channels (University of California’s YouTube is a goldmine of publically accessible creative content) – if you can’t hire a babysitter or the kind of performance you’d like to see isn’t available locally, set aside a couple hours once or twice a week to listen to something you love. No, it’s not the same as sitting in an auditorium, but it helps.

      I get a lot of inspiration out of attending things like a studio’s end of year concert, a senior’s graduation recital (I especially love graduation recitals for dance students), open mics, poetry slams, and the like. I’m a classically trained musician, as are my parents. Bach practically flows through my veins. But listening to people show up and do the thing they love and are learning to do well at is its own source of inspiration and creativity. It’s also lower stakes if you can only get a babysitter for an hour, or if the sitter calls and you need to leave early.

      You might try adapting a program like The Artist’s Way to performance – with developing habit and showing up at your piano bench every day.

      But really, you need to give your brain time to heal. Time does heal old wounds but it’s not a quick or easy process.

      1. Meepmeep*

        Yeah, I guess it’s going to take a while. My kid is 4, and the first two years of her life were basically hell. Not because of her, of course – she’s a wonderful child and I love her. But I was a sleep deprived, suicidal zombie for the first two years of her life, and I don’t think my brain is fully back to normal yet.

        I think I kinda got into this “tough it out” mentality where I just don’t pay attention to what I’m feeling and just drag myself through doing the thing that needs to be done, because it needs to be done. Which works fine when the thing that needs to be done is washing the dishes, but doesn’t work so well when the thing that needs to be done is enjoying music-making (Or enjoying anything, really). I can force myself to do piano practice, but I can’t force myself to enjoy it, and apparently I can’t force myself to compose. I tried and what came out was garbage.

        I like the idea of attending recitals. Maybe watching other people get excited about making music will help me recapture my excitement.

  90. Wandering*

    Dropping in & out here today while things are quiet at work. It’s comparatively balmy & bright (it’s above freezing!), & want to send balmy bright vibes to all who could use them, in whatever permutation helps.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  91. Jdc*

    The bed bugs are back. Ugggh. I really thought this was under control. My body is covered. They don’t seem to care for my husband or son. We just bombed the house and now I am cleaning every last thing top to bottom. Luckily we have a really pro style steamer we use for our floors. It gets hot enough to kill them so now I get to steam every inch of my house.

    Sent the husband for wine since I’ll be at this for hours and hours.

    3. JDC*

      Thanks all. Just waiting for the rest of the laundry to dry. Exhausted, dehydrated, headache, two bites that may require an ER visit if they continue to progress in the concerning way they are and a fever. 11 hours of cleaning. Exhausted.

  92. Okay, Boomer*

    Question for the Europeans amongst us. Birthdays. I am in the U.S. There is not a birthday tradition in my family other than having a nice meal out, therefore personally not excited nor excited for the milestone. The thing is, it is my 60th on Saturday and I will be at a work meeting in Italy with people I have never met (although given our work, I am sure are kindred spirits. There will be pretty much no personal time until I return home that Monday and work will be swamped until after Feb. 20.
    So do I keep it to myself?

    1. Selmarie*

      Disclaimer: I’m also in the US. Further disclaimer: I’m not really a “birthday person”
      Up to you! What do you hope will be the response when you tell people? What if, for whatever reason, their response disappoints you — are you ok with that?
      And to me, you’ll be IN ITALY on your birthday (yes, working, but still, ITALY). Maybe see if a couple or all of your kindred spirits would like to go out for dinner and you could buy the table a bottle of wine or a shareable dessert and toast your birthday?
      Or, what I would likely do is wait until I’m home to celebrate with those I’m close to because that would be my preference, even if it’s a little late.

      1. Okay, Boomer*

        We have dinner that night on our itinerary. I think you have a great idea. I am thinking that buying a bottle for the group or desert is sweet and celebratory in just the right way. Thank you.

    2. acmx*

      Some countries the tradition is to bring in your own cake/treats to celebrate your birthday with coworkers. Maybe you can find a bakery and bring something in?

    3. Anon Here*

      I say do what you feel the most comfortable with. I didn’t celebrate my 40th. I had just been through some serious hardships and a lot of people had let me down, or gone farther into Disappointing Human Behavior territory. So I celebrated with my dog by thanking him for being a good friend. I cooked us both a nice meal (meat cooked with kale – tasty for both of us!). Then we spent the whole day outside together.

      My 41st looks like it’ll be more social, but I don’t think I’ll recognize it. I could see celebrating adult birthdays with a SO or close friends, but I just feel too old to have a room full of people sing “Happy birthday” and give me a cake.

      On the other hand, I know people who throw themselves huge birthday parties well into adult life and I say more power to them. You gotta be you.

  93. Broke Anon*

    Thank you everyone who had such kind words for me last time I wrote. I just wanted to pop in a quick update on how my bankruptcy is going.
    I have done all the initial paperwork which was made easier by the fact that I started the process only the second week into January. I had to fill out a pre-bankruptcy tax paper which was just me saying that I had not gotten any taxable income between the start of the year and the day I filed. I have also completed my first monthly budget and I have my first counseling session next week thankfully by phone because their office is not in my town. I’ve read through the counseling papers and most of it is what I have been doing since last September so there’s no real shift there. Really the only difference in my expenses is that instead of paying a monthly minimum on my credit card I’m paying the trustee. I’m so grateful that I went forward with this because my portion will be done in late August/early September and then I will have no credit card debt. My trustee has also offered to help me file to get my student loans dismissed. I never knew they could be dismissed before now, but apparently if you’ve been out of school for at least 5 years but haven’t found work because of circumstances out of your control you can off your record. All I have to do is pay the lawyer `~$2000, have proof of my repayment help negotiations with student loans, and present my degree (the one and likely only time that piece of paper will be of use).

    I’m still a bit overwhelmed but I’m starting to feel better and I think I’m going to cry in September when this first portion is over with.

    2. nep*

      Good on ya. Talk about owning a situation and taking charge. Thanks for the update. Wishing you all the best.

  94. Anon Here*

    I’m having a weird problem. You know how young people tend to lean nocturnal? It seems to be a biological thing – people in their teens and early twenties often gravitate to a later schedule.

    Well, I’ve been going in the opposite direction. Like my body wants me to fall asleep at 7:00pm and wake up at 4:00am. Which is completely useless because I don’t even have a 9-5 job and instead, I do art and music that requires late night hours. I should be waking up at noon and going to bed at 3:00. But my body keeps saying no.

    I think the switch to east coast cold weather is making this worse, but it was also an issue in more temperate climates. How do you stay up late while middle aged?

    1. Alex*

      At some level it seems to be biological. One thing you could try is taking a timed release melatonin at your desired bedtime to see if it keeps you sleeping later. Also, make sure you have complete light blocking shades in your bedroom. That makes a huge difference for me.

      Even so, though…from personal struggles with sleep I can tell you that your body is going to do what it is going to do and you can’t really force it too much. My body does best when I go to bed around 9:45 and get up by 6. If I go far off that schedule I really struggle, which means no partying late, even on the weekends.

      Speaking of which, it is my bed time! Lol.

    2. Una*

      Consider looking into chronotherapy – fancy term for treatment to move your sleep schedule around. It’s typically for people with the opposite problem (can’t fall asleep/wake up early enough) or sometimes used for mood disorders. Do a little bit of research into how the body’s sleep schedule is set. The very basic version is that light signals in the morning reset your internal clock, you gradually accumulate melatonin later in the day, which makes you sleepy. People differ in their sensitivity to light early in the morning, as well as the time at which melatonin levels peak. You might be able to use a light box (the same thing as a SAD lamp) later in the day to trick your body into thinking it needs to be awake, but you’ll have to do some research to figure out how effective that might be. The above suggestion to block out all light at night when you’re sleeping is also a good one (are there street lamps outside your window?). Maybe not exposing yourself to sunlight or other bright light until later in the day could help too.

    3. Chaordic One*

      This isn’t unheard of and not all that unusual. Why does your work require late night hours?

      Not all artists do their work late at work, although there is that stereotype about them. It is not unheard of for some artists to be early-risers and do their best work early in the day. Personally, if possible, I’d listen to my body and follow how it wants to work. That said, if you absolutely have to be up at night for a late night opening or performance, you might consider the benefits of a power nap and the crutch of caffeine (a personal favorite of mine).

      1. Anon Here*

        It’s all based around the night life – live music. I play and do other creative work within that sphere.

    4. Meepmeep*

      Best way to shift your sleep schedule around is to block all blue light in the evening before you go to sleep, sleep in complete darkness, and then expose yourself to bright light (sunlight or a SAD lamp) shortly after waking up. And then keep the bedtime and wake time the same no matter what.

      I use red laser-safety glasses for about 2 hours in the evening before the desired bedtime, sleep with a sleep mask to block all light from reaching my eyes, and then make sure to get at least some outdoor time in the morning. For me, this was so I could go the other way – stop staying up late and become more of a morning person. But you can do the same thing to shift your clock the other way. Just make sure to keep exposing yourself to bright light until about 2 hours before your preferred bedtime, and then put on the red glasses.

  95. Word Nitpicker?*

    Question in the last half-hour of the thread:
    When did the construction “between my friend and I”, and similar, become correct?? Every Gramma site, and my own logic and intuition and everything I learned point to “between him and ME” being correct.

    But I’ve seen the “and I” construction everywhere in official reputable places:
    -a statement by the Sussexes (!!)
    -a recent Netflix movie
    -A guy who is a government official and a PhD, and makes a point of ALWAYS saying I
    -A writer giving some kind of response on a blog

    What’s going on?? Is it like in Russian, where they officially declared that “coffee” is now a neutral word, not just masculine?
    –

    1. Clarissa*

      You are right. It should be “between him and me.”
      After prepositions the pronouns should be in the objective cases: me, us, you, him, her, and them.
      Nothing has changed. People are careless.

        1. Clarissa*

          I know. Here’s more review.
          1. Pronouns that come after transitive verbs,
          also take the objective case.
          Examples: I hugged her. I kicked him.
          2. Pronouns that come after intransitive verbs take the nominative case.
          Examples: It’s I. This is she. However that sounds strange so we usually just say “It’s me” or “This is me.”

    2. Avasarala*

      People are trying to sound smart. It’s like my English teacher who kept using “whom” wrong, or the proto-neckbeard in high school who thought he was so clever by using “thou” and “thy” in the 21st century. He was using them incorrectly too.

    3. leukothea*

      Everyone is wrong on this. I will never let this go; I will die on this hill! It is “give the folder to him and me,” not “to him and I!”

      I think people got told so often not to say things like “Mike and me went to the store” that they over corrected. Now they’re just wrong the other way.

    4. it me*

      Isn’t that how language evolves? People start saying things a different way, purists complain, and when enough people speak/ spell things in a new way, or becomes an official part of the language. That’s how language has evolved over the years, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

      I cringe cringe cringe at “should of” instead of “should have”, but all I can do is hope the spread is contained at least during my lifetime.

    5. Ibid*

      What grammar rules say is correct and how people actually communicate are rarely 100% in agreement. Language just doesn’t work that way.

    6. Plus Ultra*

      Language is fluid and mutable. Conventions change with time. The rules aren’t important except to act as gatekeepers since grammar rules were codified in the 16th century by wealthy white men who wanted the English language to work like mathematics. Language is not mathematics and formal rules just serve to reinforce classist (and sexist and racist) standards.

      1. Anon Here*

        I agree with this. And there’s an additional layer to it. Language changes constantly in response to changes in culture, politics, current events – everything. It reflects our perspective and our environment. So if we try to interfere with that process, we’re forkin’ with history, and culture, and of course self-expression. I vote that we shouldn’t do that.

        HOWEVER, grammar exists to provide a kind of common ground amid all of the changes and cultural/regional differences. I see that as its main advantage, and I think it’s fine to be a grammar nerd. It has its purposes.

        Obviously, this is all a matter of opinion and very much up for discussion.

  96. Chronic Overthinker*

    I took my two dachshund mixes to an indoor puppy pool this weekend. They were curious, but cautious. My puppy Marley had fun, but CiCi, who is normally an adventurous pup, didn’t seem to take to it as much. I’m wondering if I need to do it a couple of times to see if they will enjoy it, or skip it altogether and find another activity they might enjoy. What kinds of activities do you let your furry family members try?

  98. Bookslinger In My Free Time*

    Almost missed it! Did something to my shoulder a week ago and spent the weekend adjusting to a half dose of relaxer for the angry shoulder muscle. Relaxer shouldn’t make me very sleepy- take a half dose and sleep almost ten hours, then take a few more hours to function. Yep, super helpful that my shoulder doesn’t hurt when I am unconscious. So I am (again) begin on my favorite free time work, as sitting upright makes my shoulder burn more.

    Bonus, I gained five pounds since the last time I stepped on a medical scale, so now I am above the 90 pound mark.

  100. Bossy Magoo*

    ohhhh, HUMPHREY!! <3 <3 <3 I love him!!! I hope you find him a wonderful forever home (or keep him yourself if that's an option). He's scrumptious!!

  101. That One Person*

    Aww Humphrey sounds a little like our doggo. It was the middle of summer when they found him, but his interests lie in people and he absolutely loves going home to the point you can drop the leash and once he hops out of the car he goes right to the door (and then stares as we collect our stuff, wondering whats taking us so long because it’s HOME and why aren’t we as excited?!). They also sound similar because doggo likes to pretend my kitty doesn’t exist, but she’s gotten to the point she’s started tapping him on the nose with her paw and forcing him to acknowledge that she’s there and he can’t walk straight through her. It’s really cute that one of the kitties seems to have fallen in love with his scent and is so excited to meet him even if he doesn’t seem to care XD

Comments are closed.