at 64, i realize, i have never allowed myself to grieve really big losses in my life, thinking i had to be strong for others around me. being strong became my coping mechanism and looking back now, i choose to be strong because i did not feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable
so:
when my dad died, i had to be strong for my mom.
when my mom died, i had to be strong because i moved in with relatives i didn’t really know.
when my daughter was born developmentally delayed, i had to be strong for my wife because it was so hard for her
when i had an affair with someone whose DNA entered me i had to be strong with the decision to send her away for my wife and my community.
when my wife died, i had to be strong for my daughter.
when i helped grow a business exponentially and felt like i was seen in what i brought to the world and was told i was no longer needed i had to be strong to start my own business
when my manufacturer told me he did not produce the goods needed to ship orders that were to be sent out 3 days before everything was to ship and left me with $300,000 worth of debt i had to be strong to figure out a way to survive
but in not allowing myself the space to grieve these losses and others all of that sorrow and pissed-offed-ness has stayed in me.
it was only recently in healings my wife Ana Levin did on me and beginning to do some work with Lia Dunlap that i have gone back to the event which started it all; to that little 13 year old boy who lost his dad and given him the space to grieve that so many of the things The Mosaic has shown me now make so much more sense.
early this morning i sat to meditate and i realised anew what The Mosaic has been trying to show me: what would i see if i could see what i don’t see?
all this time, i have only seen this: GOOD THINGS ARE TAKEN FROM ME and i have been so absorbed in my little pity party and built a way of life around that, saying, “why create anything good when it will only be taken from me?”
and i have been feeling there are so many good things circling around me, like planes circling an airport, but none of the planes are landing and i wondered why? i realise it is this belief that is keeping them away.
what i was given in meditation today is what i did not see: i only heard the first part of the sentence that god was saying to me. but the whole sentence in context was this:
good things will be taken from me . . . so that better things can be given to me.
the second part of this sentence changes everything. the first part makes more sense with he second part included. it now shows a kind and benevolent god rather than a vengeful one; it is a god that i can trust rather than one that seems to find joy in hurting me; it is one that now i can wholehearted surrender to rather than one i really don’t believe in.
and then my wife not knowing yet my meditation experience sent me this song and it expressed her prayer for me and everything i was feeling as all of my self imposed burdens dropped from my shoulders.
Nothing is as it seems. – The Mosaic