How to get people to like you even if you're shy

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why don’t people like me?” you’re not alone. 

We’ve all encountered the kind of person who is instantly likable. They’re a best-selling book everyone seems to enjoy, and they don’t even have to try. When you meet someone like this, you instantly feel at ease in their presence. 

The ability to connect with new people can be invaluable for your social life and career. Whether you want to get your next promotion or make good friends in a new city, learning this skill can help.

Building these connections doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Even so, we can all become more likable people. With some guidance, you can start implementing habits to help you make stronger connections with those around you.

Why is human connection so important?

We connect with people every day. At work, we collaborate with our coworkers to get the job done. On the weekends, we spend time with our friends. Even a friendly stranger during a long commute can transform an entire day. 

Wherever you go, you’ll likely try to find common ground with people. Human connection makes us feel more at ease, knowing that like-minded people surround us. It can foster community and help people feel less alone and alienated. 

There are many ways to feel a human connection, from mid-day coffee runs to Zoom calls with old friends. Even social media connects us with others. Staying in touch with your friends who live elsewhere is a great way to connect and boost your mood.

As humans, we’re naturally social beings. It should be no surprise that wondering why people don’t like you may cause distress. According to the American Psychology Association, social connection is a basic human need. Without a doubt, it’s crucial for our well-being and survival.

Connecting with others well is a talent that can take you far. Whether networking in your industry or giving a big presentation at work, it’s worth improving your social skills.

10 tips to make people like you

You can’t magically make everyone like you the second you walk into a room. You don’t need to, either. Think about your goals. To create a new friend, have a meaningful conversation and experience a satisfying human connection.

Unless you’re trying to win votes, most people don’t need to make everyone like them. However, you can implement new habits to help you build connections and make others comfortable around you:

1. Use positive body language and make eye contact
2. Be a good listener 
3. Ask questions about someone’s passions and interests
4. Share stories about yourself
5. Have a sense of humor and show people that you like to have fun
6. Give and receive constructive feedback
7. Be generous, but don’t let people take advantage of you
8. Remember people’s names and how to pronounce them
9. Have proper hygiene
10. Acknowledge other people’s accomplishments and value

As you build deeper relationships with those around you, remember this insight from professor and researcher Brene Brown: “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” By bringing this energy to your interactions, you can improve your connections. 

But should you try to make everyone like you?

Before you implement these tips, we need to talk about the downsides of learning how to make everyone like you. Devoting too much energy to controlling people’s opinions of you isn’t healthy. Plus, seeking this kind of validation from others isn’t sustainable and doesn’t build true confidence.

Learning how to influence people might satisfy you temporarily. However, you could win the affection of people who don’t care for you as true friends should. 

Not to mention that if you have social anxiety, it can be hard to learn how to make people like you. If this sounds like you, a platform like BetterUp can provide the guidance and support you need. Remember to give yourself compassion as you learn to improve your social skills.

5 ways to make people like you

The first step to learning how to make people like you is to improve your ability to communicate.  

We can thank our communication skills for all our connections and how we interact with people. We can’t expect to form solid connections when we can’t convey our feelings, instructions, or basic interests. It can keep us from getting ahead at work, deepening our friendships, and so much more.

Dale Carnegie directs us toward the little details in his well-known book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. He says small things like remembering someone’s name and smiling can help get people to like you. 

Here are five ways to strengthen your communication skills in your personal and professional life.

1. Don’t ramble when you’re speaking

Being articulate takes you places. When communicating with people, we want them to understand us the first time, not the second or third. Choose your words wisely rather than rambling on and using words that don’t have a purpose. Be brief but specific, and drop unnecessary words. 

2. Treat people with respect

Treating others with respect may seem like an obvious way to make people like you. However, we sometimes lose respect for others, especially when emotions run high. If you can consistently show others courtesy, even when times are tough, you’ll become likable.

For example, if you’re firing someone or having a difficult conversation at work, do so privately. Or if someone’s busy and you need help with a work project, you can respect their time by not interrupting them unless it’s urgent. Everyone will appreciate your ability to choose the right place and context to communicate.

3. Know when to stop and listen

An important part of communicating is actively listening to what the other person says. Communication isn’t a one-way street. A good listener listens intently, asks follow-up questions, and gives the other person their full attention. Always show genuine interest and engage in what the other person is saying so they feel heard.

These habits show people that we care about what they have to say. These days, we’re constantly distracted by social media, texts, and more. Becoming a better listener will make you stand out and help others like you more.

As you strengthen these skills, focus on being interested in what’s said and not making yourself seem more interesting. 

4. Proofread written messages

When communicating asynchronously, we all slip up and make grammar mistakes here and there. But it’s the worst when our mistakes make our communication more confusing. We often waste time clarifying what we mean because of a simple slip on the keyboard. 

Next time you’re writing a work email or working on a presentation, take a moment to proofread your messages carefully. Read them out loud and look for things that sound questionable or anything you’ve misspelled. 

5. Be conscious of body language

Are you aware of all the ways you communicate nonverbally? Our body language conveys our interests and emotions just like words do. Plus, facial expressions can tell people quickly if you’re interested in what they have to say.  

Next time you’re making small talk, focus on your nonverbal cues. Can you lean in, nod along with what the other person is saying, or give an encouraging smile? If you do this consistently, you’ll quickly see how many more people like you.

Why don't people like you? 7 common reasons

Sometimes, there may be things we do that are off-putting. Here are a few negative personality traits that could rub people the wrong way:

1. You’re negative
2. You’re disinterested
3. You monopolize the conversation
4. You’re self-centered or brag a lot
5. You put others down
6. You don’t like yourself
7. You hold grudges

It can be tricky to identify precisely why someone may not like you. They might dismiss or avoid you at social gatherings. Nonverbal cues like crossed areas or reduced eye contact could also indicate dislike. It’s important to look at the situation objectively. Do you do any of the factors listed above? If so, that could be the reason someone was put off.

If you believe it might be due to something you’ve said or done, it can be good to start an open conversation. Who knows, the dislike you’ve noticed could be because of a simple misunderstanding. 

Can you make people like you if you’re shy?

Shy people often struggle with being outgoing and making new friends. However, even if you’re an introvert, you can make people like you. It just takes a few new habits, and you will put yourself out there. Remember, it’s okay to take things at your own pace.

If you’re shy, here are four tips to help people like you more:

• Get comfortable leaving your comfort zone
• Keep things positive, from what you say to others to your self-talk
• Be confident in yourself and remember your strengths
• Focus on the person you’re engaging with, and don’t become distracted by your insecurities

Can you make people like you if you're socially anxious?

Social anxiety can be a huge barrier to resolving the question of why people don’t like you. An anxious brain may tell us that our social community doesn’t like us when that isn’t true. A mindset shift when building relationships can be helpful. 

If you’re socially anxious, here are some tips to help ease the feeling:

• Look at your interactions with most people objectively. The chances are good these interactions overall skew positive. 
• Adjust your mindset that everyone needs to like you
• Be patient with yourself. Social anxiety doesn’t vanish overnight. It takes time to learn how to best work with it. 
• Concentrate on a handful of close relationships. You don’t need a huge group of friends. Sometimes, a small and trusted network can ease your social anxiety. 

If social anxiety prevents you from making real friends, working with a life coach could be helpful. BetterUp coaches are experts in helping you develop the right skills to master every social interaction.

When anxiety starts to impact every facet of your life, it might be time to seek guidance from a mental health professional. They’ll help you learn how to navigate these complicated feelings and foster a strong sense of self-love.

5 extra tips to make people like you at work

Making friends in your personal life is different than making connections at work. In the office, you need to be professional and keep things appropriate. That said, there’s great value in making people like you more at work. 

Maybe you want a promotion or to become a manager. You could also be looking to build your professional network for the future. Regardless, your social skills play a big role in your career success.

Here are five ways to make people like you more at work:

1. Ask people questions about their work and what they enjoy about it
2. Admit your weaknesses and when you need help
3. Respect people’s boundaries, and don’t be pushy
4. Show that you’re committed to building a positive work culture. Recognize your colleagues’ accomplishments and thank them for their support.
5. Keep things professional, but try to connect on a fun and personal level by learning who your colleagues are outside of work

Remember: Sometimes, it's not about you

You can’t control the opinions of others. Not everyone will like you, just as you won’t like everyone else. Remember the spotlight effect if you’re worried people don’t like you. This psychological phenomenon occurs when you overestimate how much others pay attention to you. In most cases, other people aren’t noticing you as much as you worry they might.

Sometimes, an individual’s dislike of you is about them. Perhaps your personalities aren’t compatible. Maybe they have preconceived notions that sway their thinking. No matter the reason behind the dislike, it’s wise to accept that not everyone will like you. It’s a form of self-care to set these boundaries when working on your relationships with others.

It’s all the more reason to focus on a handful of relationships that are most important to you. Work on strengthening connections with these people, whether they’re friends, family, or coworkers. Devote your energy to the relationships that mean the most to you. 

Moving forward: be yourself

Trying too hard to make friends can feel risky. You may work too hard to be someone you’re not when we should never forget to be ourselves. 

Authentic interactions with people are much better than pretending to be someone we aren’t just for the sake of fitting in. 

That said, simply “being yourself” can feel like useless advice. How do you authentically be yourself all the time? 

You can make decisions that align with your values and beliefs. Pursue your passions and set goals no matter what others think of them. Don’t be afraid to share your opinion when the time is right. 

Expressing yourself honestly and consistently will make you feel more connected with yourself. Trying to keep up a persona we can’t relate to is exhausting. And don’t forget, you’ll know meaningful connections when you make them. These friends won’t pressure you to change. Instead, they’ll celebrate who you are, here and now.

It takes confidence to be ourselves rather than succumbing to peer pressure. And knowing how to make people like you isn’t always obvious. Using a platform like BetterUp, you can get the support you need. In time, you’ll learn to build self-confidence and prioritize your well-being long-term.