BETA
This is a BETA experience. You may opt-out by clicking here

More From Forbes

Edit Story

Want Better Office Communication? Talk Like A Therapist

This article is more than 4 years old.

Your conversations with colleagues and employees don’t seem to get anywhere. You talk about the same point over and over again, with no results. How do you move from talking at each other to talking with each other?

Let three active listening skills used by therapists help you form better relationships with your employees — summarizing, reflecting, and clarifying. First, let’s briefly discuss active listening. Active listening involves not only paying attention to what someone is saying but also noticing their nonverbal language. It involves leaning in when someone is talking, literally. You may also mirror the other person’s posture and non-verbals. Active listening involves asking open-ended questions. These are questions that aren’t answered with a simple yes or no. Open-ended questions usually start with who, what, when, where, why, and how. Now let’s move on to three parts of active listening: summarizing, reflecting, and clarifying.

Summarizing

When you summarize during a conversation, you can use one sentence to summarize another’s person’s ideas. For example, your employee says to you, “Bob stole my idea and you didn’t say anything. Now Susie put her name on my proposal!” When you are summarizing, you are finding a theme to what the other person has said. You could respond, “Two people have taken your ideas and taken credit for them.” This is said in a nonjudgmental tone. This lets the other person know you have truly heard what they said. It is very validating to a person when they know they have been understood. Summarizing creates a pathway on which you can have further discussions. It also provides an opportunity for someone to correct you if he or she feels you have summarized their thoughts incorrectly.

Reflecting

Reflecting is like summarizing, but adding feelings to your reply. When you reflect during a conversation, you are stating what feelings the other person has said to you, both verbally and non-verbally. Humans are all very different, but their emotions generally fall into one of three categories — mad, sad, and happy. If you can confidently pin down someone’s emotions into one of those categories, you’re already halfway there. While your employee is telling you that two coworkers have taken credit for her work, you notice that her fists are clenched, and her eyes have started to water. You reply, “You feel angry and frustrated that other people have taken credit for your work.” This engages a deeper level of validation with your employee. You not only have summarized what your employee has said, you have also sent the message that you have paid attention to his or her feelings. Don’t worry about getting the feeling word wrong — the important thing is that you made an attempt. And you have given your employee the opportunity to give you feedback.

Clarifying

When you clarify during a conversation, you are making sure you understand what the other person is saying. Words are funny things — each can have different emotional weight for people. What you might perceive as a slight upset may be an issue of great concern to someone else. Make sure you have interpreted the intended meaning correctly. Examples of clarifying include, “I want to make sure I understood you correctly,” “Did you mean that....” and “Would it be correct of me to assume...” Clarifying someone’s statements helps you to not assume what you think are facts about the situation. What you think someone said is just speculation until you have the person confirm it.

Practicing these active listening techniques can feel awkward and even uncomfortable. It may feel like you are being condescending, or that you are using “baby talk.” Remember that the most effective communication is accomplished when we listen, not when we talk. It will take some time to adapt to this new style of conversation. You may find that your conversations are more efficient when you use each of these active listening strategies. People are more likely to state what they want and you are more likely to interpret it correctly when a level of trust has been established through active listening.

Sometimes we underestimate the power that modeling appropriate behavior has on others. Once you start practicing active listening, notice how much your employees are also practicing it. Practicing active listening skills can help reduce employee burnout and increase a sense of wellbeing at work. Trainings on active listening skills have changed how employers and employees relate to one another. So many unspoken concerns can now be addressed in a way that employees feel heard.

Follow me on Twitter or LinkedInCheck out my website