Let's face it, you'd much rather be at home reading a book than working in an office to begin with. You get "peopled out" at the end of the day. And now you need to bring up an issue with your coworker. You'd rather curl up and die than have to confront someone. How can you go about it in a way that won't cause you an ulcer? Continue reading to find out.
We all have issues with coworkers from time to time. It's just the nature of working with people. Sometimes those issues cause us to have concerns that need to be addressed sooner rather than later. So what do you do when you have to bring up something awkward, or even unpleasant, with a coworker? Read on to find out.
Reframe "confrontation" as "concern"
Confronting your coworker immediately sounds like the two of you are going to get into a fight. It's not so much that you are confronting your coworker. You have a concern and you are addressing it. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, looking at something from a different perspective is called "reframing." You're just talking with your coworker about something important to you. That doesn't mean that your entire talk with your coworker has importance in the scheme of your life. It really doesn't.
Approach with a solution already in mind
If you already have a solution in your mind, focus on working towards that solution. Keeping yourself focused on a goal can help decrease feelings of anxiousness. Use an "I feel" statement. When I walk in to the office and there are papers on the floor, I get stressed because I work best in a clean environment. I propose that the floor becomes a "paper-free zone." Notice that "you" is not used in this sentence. People tend to get defensive when "you" is used. "When you leave papers on the floor, I get stressed out," automatically makes your coworker become the focus of the issue, when it's the papers that are actually the issue.
Practice role plays
Have a trusted friend or family member practice talking to your coworker through role plays. In a role plays, one of you pretends to be your coworker, and the other person pretends to be you. Switch roles throughout the role play. When you switch roles, you can see how your friend or family member would respond to a situation, and that can be a good guide for how you may wish to respond. Role plays are effective because it helps you see all the avenues a conversation could go down, and it helps you prepare for any of those situations.
Let It Go
Consider if this concern is really worth bringing it up with your coworker. Sure, in the short-term it causes you less anxiety to not bring it up, but long-term it will probably eat at you. There are some things in the workplace that must be addressed: that includes harassment, safety issues, and violations of privacy. But there are other issues that are just part and parcel of working with other people in close quarters. Is the issue with your coworker something that has the potential to change? Or is it part of the person's character? Consider whether this is really a big deal in the scheme of things.
Write It Down Instead
This runs the risk of looking passive-aggressive. But sometimes what you want to say comes out better in written form than when you speak it. This is especially true when you are anxious. One option is to write down your concern (and potential solution), print that puppy out, and meet with your coworker face-to-face, rather than sending an email. Tell them that you tend to express yourself better in writing, then sit with them while they read your letter.
Do Some Deep Breathing
Deep breathing can instantly kick in the parasympathetic part of your autonomic nervous system. The sympathetic part does the "fight, flight, or freeze" mechanism, exactly what you feel when you are in panic mode. The parasympathetic part is your "rest and relaxation" response. Do four or five deep breaths before you go talk to your coworker. It gives your brain a little bit of a break, and it may help you see things more clearly.
It's Just a Talk
A lot of anxiety is anticipatory. It's anxiety about what might happen. And if you tend towards being anxious, you may have already created a scenario in which you confront your coworker, and you get into a brawl in the middle of the office, resulting you being fired and sent out of the building with all your belongings in a file box. Sound familiar? The anxious brain tends to go to worst-case scenario. In cognitive-behavioral therapy terms, that's called "catastrophizing." To use a colloquial phrase, it's making a mountain out of a molehill. It's just a talk. You are just expressing some concerns to your coworker. You are having a dialogue, a conversation. That's it. It's very unlikely that it will turn into something life-changing. It's just a talk.
Visualize Success
Visualizing success has been a feature of sports psychology for decades. Why? Because it works. If you don't know how something will turn out, just think of the option that works most in your favor. Visualize yourself talking to your coworker, with both of you relaxed and coming to a mutually agreeable solution. Also tell yourself, "I am calm, cool, and collected" throughout the day. Even if you don't completely believe it, your brain buys into it. Brains are pretty amazing, but they are also easy to fool.
Are You Concerned For Your Safety?
If you are concerned for your safety if you speak with your coworker, that is another issue altogether. See your supervisor if you feel there will be retaliation if you address a concern with a coworker. If you don't feel safe speaking with your supervisor, consult with an attorney.
