Over the course of my lifetime, I have come to know a lot of pain and suffering.
Being a byproduct of multi-cultural, multi-religious parents, who were suffering from an identity crisis, I have come very early to learn about the struggle for one’s belonging. Growing up in poverty, having to share what one has and not having any luxury to hold new curiosities, I have come to understand the struggle for one’s security. When I lost one of my parents in an unexpected traffic accident as a teenager and fell into a deep state of confusion, I have come to experience the struggle for one’s search for meaning. As a young woman, when doctors diagnosed me with a serious illness the first time, I came to acknowledge the struggle for one’s longing for healing. Later, traveling the world for business, learning about work conditions and heart-breaking life circumstances of equal human beings, I have come to witness the struggle for one’s joy.
These are only a handful of my experiences in pain and in suffering; however, the worst kinds I have become exposed to over the years has been the kind that takes place in the day to day of 21st-century ivory tower offices.
The time, for example, when I was a few months into a new job and naively brought back from an Asia trip a number of tiny hand-made earrings for our executive assistants as a gesture of appreciation for their hard work to have one of them throw the package back at my face (yes, my face!) and tell me the person was “not for anyone’s purchase!” I would later learn this individual had been very poorly performance managed over many years and felt incredibly unsupported. It made me comprehend how deep feelings of unworthiness can make its way to one’s heart and have them deny any good deeds in reach of self-protection.
The other time I heard shouting in our building one afternoon to find the executive we had agreed to be involuntarily terminated that week being yelled at out in the open office space (yes, open space with people sitting around!) by a senior HR professional. I would later learn that the individual had proceeded to pack their goods by their desk following the separation conversation and was perceived as not cooperating for their planned leaving. When I took over the case and eventually walked the executive to the door with security, I was told: “That moment (of being yelled at) took away 20 years of good memories.” That instant reminded me how no compensation or transaction can ever equate to one’s sense of dignity and though a projection, it can matter the world to someone how they’re perceived.
Or, the time when I was involved in a multi-year, global project with success, I had come in one early morning to find a colleague looking grim in their office. When inquired, I learned the person had not seen their spouse for weeks, had difficulty sleeping and were “missing (their loved one) and hurting deeply!” I remember us looking at each other in silence for a few minutes – partially because I didn’t know what to say and partially because we needed to take in the weight of that confession. Then, we gave each other a hug. It made me internalize how sometimes the simplest act of sitting by one can serve as a sign of greatest respect and empathy.
In other words, the greatest sources of pain and suffering I have come to understand are not the variety of work, the decorations of an office or the makeup of a compensation package, they are the feelings of being useless, unworthy, unloved and underappreciated.
When we think of compassion, we often visualize an act grandiose; however, it is actually the little things – the day to day – that really makes the most difference.
During our recent study, we asked a number of employees about acts of compassion in the workplace, we found they most refer to a number of behaviors including an appreciation for talent, having an understanding relationship, an act of listening, not having pressure from workloads or feeling of value, etc.
What is compassion?
Compassion is about letting your heartbreak to be with someone’s suffering. It is about recognizing someone's suffering and acting to eliminate it at large. When we exercise compassion, we literally mentalize someone's thoughts and feelings, engage in experience sharing showing empathic concern.
A compassionate self, in scientific terms, holds three facets:
- A sensitivity to the pain or suffering of another, coupled with the deep desire to alleviate that suffering,
- Beyond motivation, active pursuit of alleviating distress for others and in systems,
- The ability to coordinate and catalyze action across many to respond to suffering.
It is important to note that compassion is different than sympathy and empathy; in that, it is not an emotion rather a process. In compassion, there is the recognition of pain, the interpretation of the pain and the ability to hold emotional space for one’s suffering but then, comes an action to take away the pain and to alleviate suffering.
So, imagine seeing someone fell into a well. Being sympathetic, you may walk by and say, “Oh, you fell into a well, I am sorry, that must hurt!” and walk away... Being empathic, you may walk by and say, “Oh, you fell into a well! I have been there, it hurts but hold up, help is coming!” and walk away... Being compassionate, you may walk by and say, “Oh, you fell into a well! I am sorry, that must hurt, let me see if I can find a rope!” and give a hand to alleviate the pain.
Compassion is also rooted deeper in our brain systems and has the power to change the orientation of our minds. The key is to understand that we can intentionally select one of our basic motivational systems—for caring—and we can cultivate it, help it grow and mature, through practice.
In our research with Stanford University’s CCARE, we have been able to validate inside environments, where leaders reportedly act in kindness, employees feel better cared for and organizations experience more equity and fairness as a whole.
The opposite of compassion would be indifference. We would literally grow numb to the pain and suffering occurring around us.
Lack of Compassion
It is an unfortunate fact that today’s business environment has become so dehumanized and impersonal. Whether we like to admit it or not, there is a lot of seen, unseen, known, unknown pain and suffering in our environments. Gallup State of American Workplace reports ~25% of the workforce feels like screaming or shouting because of job-related stress; 10% are concerned about an individual at work they fear could become violent. According to NIOSH, 40% of workers reported their job was very or extremely stressful and job stress is more strongly associated with health complaints than financial or family problems. WEF Global Gender Gap reports at the current rate, the gender pay gap is to close by 2186.
When we read statistics, it is hard to take it home with you but imagine just last week, during my business trip to the States, I learned one of the organizations I admire most globally has recently been faced with serious challenges around inclusion and parity issues.
These realities and workplace statistics break my heart because as a practitioner and a scientist, I understand how an act of compassion can drive impartiality, develop gratitude, empathy and kindness in others.
Similarly, without compassion, workplaces can become derogatory and, in some cases, truly hostile. It is time we face assumptions and myths that work against our developing compassion in the workplace.
Many executives tell me, for example, “I am just not that kind of a leader,” meaning a ‘soft-hearted’ one. To be clear, being a leader of compassion doesn't make you ‘soft’, if anything, it makes you ‘hard’ to the wire! Because compassion requires you to lean in, exercise courage, pull from the emotional insight and relate in wonder.
Instead, when we look carefully to understand what holds a leader back, it is often an unconscious escape of opportunity to meet given conditions with a full heart. The person may delay, for example, difficult conversations in argue of compassion because they “don’t want to hurt someone” or “add to someone else’s pain.”
Other times, leaders will know what feels right to their heart, but they will choose to not honor their deep desire to give someone a hand because their need for fitting in will weight more. Majority of the time, they will later discover what they did to fit in rather than honoring their true self has dented their self-esteem and resulted in a lost opportunity for a real connection. Recognize this kind of dishonoring often leads to the development of shame in us and even if we try to cover/ bottle up the emotion, it will literally eat into us. Every minute we will spend in shame, scientifically speaking, we will be allowing ourselves to go under a trauma effect. Our decision-making functionality will lock up, blood circulation will slow down, oxygen will get cut, the muscle will spam, etc. Then, we end up with absurd behaviors of either (1) hiding from our feeling, (2) pleasing people, or (3) fighting back.
And sometimes, leaders will engage in what we call "depersonalization" - thinking of humans as objects, over rationalizing the task in front losing greater context. This has detrimental effects as during depersonalization, the focus shifts to self rather than the individual in front. In a Mayo Clinic study of 7,905 surgeons in the U.S., for example, it was found that over a three-month period, the proportion of surgeons committed a major surgical error was three times higher among those with the highest recorded levels of depersonalization.
Perhaps because I recognize pain and suffering so well – I often say I can smell it from miles away, I have been personally struggling with compassion for a long time. For years, I worked hard to learn how to set healthy boundaries; then I struggled for many years to follow with self-compassion. Unfortunately, our modern lives combined with our early development histories don't make it easy for us to stay self-understanding and self-caring; yet, as Dalai Lama often says, we have to remember “compassion is incomplete without self-compassion.” Just because we have worked incredibly hard to become, we must not be unforgiving towards our own limitations.
And, the good news is we can grow compassion! How?
Developing Compassion
Recognizing developing any attribute is part of our life journey and no 1-2-3-4 steps are going to get us to the final overnight, there are a number of things we can invest in to become leaders, who lead from the heart and inspire others through their way of kindness.
The first step, I would say is to speak your truth, which calls for our exercise of true courage. The questions we could ask ourselves in connecting are the following:
- Who do we inspire to be at our best?
- How are we honoring our true self and standing up for our morality?
- Do we care to be armored and in control or do we care to be seen, to see others and in whatever state they may present themselves in?
The second step, I would say is to hold space for negative emotions, which calls for our exercise of emotional insight. The questions we could ask ourselves in connecting are the following:
- Who am I in pain, discomfort or fear?
- How do I feel about walking away vs. holding a space for others?
- What do I care to happen when I nurture my own comfort over someone’s discomfort?
The third step, I would say is to exercise our sense of wonder. If we understand and accept the interconnected nature of the world and one of our main motivations to be a connection as human beings, we can question our tolerance for connection. Many times, we think if we treat others as equals, we are doing our part. Sitting with someone’s pain, sharing the perspective of ‘I suffer when you suffer’ is a lot different than being equal. One can be equal but still feel isolated, the idea is to be connected. The one question we could ask in connection is the following:
- How am I honoring someone’s current reality and feeling (even if I can’t identify with it personally)?
The last step is to create a moment of action. This pulls most on our wisdom and requires us coming together at a level of humanity inside someone’s pain or suffering. The one question we could ask in connection is the following:
- How could I support alleviate the person’s pain or suffering (while honoring my true self and boundaries)?
Brene Brown has this wonderful saying that “Part of our loneliness is related to our inauthenticity,” I couldn’t agree more… Because of this, I consider compassion an engaged, empathic realism. You may be fearful, you may not want to face the other person, you may want security and comfort, but you somehow show the necessary will to lean in despite. As a result of that intervening, your reward mechanisms get activated, you feel better, you feel alive and someone benefits from your ‘being’.
Does it hurt to live a life with an open heart? Sure... I think it would only be fair to say there is likely more pain walking around with an open heart, but I can share from first-hand experience that there is also more joy... When we look inward and open our hearts, it helps us look outward and connect with others.
Compassion is an instinct for us, human beings. Enabling growth in business requires more than an individual or organizational transformation resulting in the awakening of conscious; it requires an individual and organizational transcendence resulting in authentic connections.
For every instinct we pull back from, we know to remember someone else is giving in. I live you with the following, adjusted from Nancy Smith’s Every Woman poem:
For every human who is tired of acting weak when s/he knows s/he is strong, there is someone who is tired of appearing strong when s/he feels vulnerable.
For every human who is tired of acting dumb, there is someone who is burdened with the constant expectation of "knowing everything."
For every human who is tired of being called "emotional," there is someone who is denied the right to weep and to be gentle.
For every human who is denied meaningful employment or equal pay, there is someone who must bear full financial responsibility for another human being.
For every human who takes a step toward liberation, there is someone who finds the way to freedom has been made a little easier.
Go... Share an act of gentleness with someone. Smile, give a hand, offer gratitude or forgiveness...
You will make a better leader for it!
