Author and psychiatrist Mark Epstein offers wisdom to leaders and everyone in his new book "Advice ... [+]
Dr. Mark Epstein is an author and a psychiatrist in private practice. He is known for integrating Buddhist philosophy with psychotherapy and his seven books explore various aspects of this.
His latest book, Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself, describes his journey towards being more proactive in sharing meditation with his patients and his insights from his own personal journey of “getting over himself.”
In my coaching practice I integrate wisdom of all kinds, and this book has a lot of resonance for coaches and for leaders. It is centered around the “Eightfold Path of Buddhism,” which you can think about as simply eight areas for self-reflection.
The book has plenty of practical applications for anyone on their journey of leadership development, to say nothing of human development.
I am calling out just three of these principles that relate to the core skills of leadership are: 1) self-awareness – becoming aware of your self-talk. 2) Right action – activating emotional self-control. 3) Right effort – finding the balance in relating to others.
Right speech – minding your self-talk
Right speech in Buddhist principles typically has to do with not gossiping or not saying harmful things.
Epstein, however, extends “Right Speech” to the stories you tell yourself. “Many people are resigned to the way they speak to themselves. They do not like it yet they accept it as given,” Epstein writes.
You are probably barely conscious of the narrative you tell yourself – your “self-talk” as we coaches call it. You don’t realize that you flood yourself with a constant stream of subliminal messages. These voices are often critical, negative, and downright mean. Unchecked and unchallenged, this unceasing narrative is demotivating and exhausting. It keeps you from trying new things, embracing challenges and praising others. It also gets in the way of experiencing fully the small and large joys of life.
Epstein recommends meditation as a way of tuning in to these harmful critics. “We can catch and question our loops of thoughts and rein them in, interrupting what appears to be an involuntary inner cascade.” As he tells his patents: “Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.”
Even if you don’t want to meditate, just take a moment or two and notice your inner voice. Write down the negative messages you are sending yourself. Once you notice, you can challenge them.
Right action – maintaining grace under pressure.
“Right action” refers to refraining from destructive action: no violence, no stealing, no forcing, no deceiving. These are good things to abstain from.
Epstein extends this concept to the inner life again by relating it to impulsiveness. Many people – Epstein included as he shares in the book – feel pressure to fix, to help, to speak, to do.
I see this in my clients all the time. CEOs and other executives are under unrelenting pressure. A key employee quits. The product at the site of a large customer malfunctions. A major negative news story takes everyone by surprise. And that’s all in addition to the simple reality of a business life of back-to-back meetings and constant travel.
In a crisis it’s easy to give in to knee-jerk reactions and to act impulsively. Developing the skill to pause, to think through options and implications, to make a choice rather than be at the whim of compulsive action, is one of the most important tools of your development as a leader. That’s the heart of “Right Action.” As Epstein writes: “Not acting impulsively is not the same as doing nothing.”
Far from it. You can pause regularly in the middle of the day to check in on your emotional states. Are you in overdrive? Stopping to take in the big picture can often be the most useful action of all.
Right effort – finding balance in what you do
What I often see in managers – especially new managers – is an “off” or an “on” switch. At times you probably try to do too much; other times not enough. You may delegate complicated tasks to junior direct reports and barely explain what has to be done. Or you do everything yourself and give very little challenging or interesting work to your employees. You are not available at all, or you hover.
“Right effort” is the principle of adjusting your effort to the circumstances. The Buddha explained it using a metaphor of playing a lute. If the strings were too loose or too tight the instrument would not be easy to play or sound good. If the strings were adjusted just right, the lute “would have a wonderful sound and be easily playable.”
We are all looking for that sweet spot in leading others. We have to all learn to balance our efforts; sometimes the best move for a manager – or a coach – is to offer advice. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is listen.
As a manager, assess the skill and motivation of your employees. Explore how much guidance they need and how much independence can be given.
You don’t have to be a therapist or a Buddhist. You don’t have to go to therapy or travel to India for a two-week silent retreat. But the insights from this book can help you be a little more resourceful and a little less reactive. And, just maybe, you could use a little more ability to get over yourself.
