Leverage love languages at work to improve your office culture

If you’re a full-time professional, you spend a lot of time with your coworkers, so it’s worth developing healthy, happy work relationships. 

While most often applied to personal relationships, understanding your coworkers’ love languages — like quality time — can improve these connections. This is especially true if you’re a manager wanting to appreciate your team so they feel motivated to continue working hard.

You can use various love languages at work to empathize with them and show gratitude in a way that they respond well to.

What does love language mean?

Dr. Gary Chapman coined the term “love languages” in their 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” These languages are as follows:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Acts of service

3. Quality time

4. Receiving gifts

5. Physical touch

Chapman noticed that every person feels loved and appreciated by different things, whether that’s receiving flowers, reading alongside their partner, or having a family member tell them they’re doing a great job. And you can customize the way you show love to someone by accommodating their love language to connect more deeply with them.

When applied to workplace relationships, you can consider this concept the five languages of appreciation. You’re not necessarily trying to effectively communicate love to your coworkers. You’re trying to create meaningful connections with them where they feel valued, since this is vital to your and your coworkers’ well-being.

One study found that a driving factor of employee burnout is a lack of recognition. And expressions of gratitude can also combat loneliness, boost productivity, and make workers feel more connected, which is especially critical as more and more people work remotely.

Here are a few more benefits of using love languages at work: 

• Increased team motivation

• Enhanced employee engagement

• Higher retention rate

• More positive work environment 

Using the 5 love language in the workplace

Everyone needs to feel appreciated to know they’re contributing valuable work and ideas. But effectively demonstrating appreciation often requires more than saying “Good job.”

Using someone’s preferred method of appreciation lets you elevate a seemingly superficial gesture to a more meaningful level. Here’s how you can apply each of the five love languages at work. 

1. Words of affirmation

This is when someone feels most appreciated when you use words to recognize their achievements and hard work. You might express this via a one-on-one, group brainstorm, or email. 

Being sincere and specific is the key to making an impact with your words. A generic “Well done” won’t do for someone craving words of affirmation.

Here are a few words of affirmation love language examples: 

• “I really appreciated how you jumped in to handle the shipping issue. You solved the problem and got us back on track sooner than expected.”

• “Encouraging me to take a certification course helped. I feel so much more confident when I’m out in the field. Thank you.”

• “I noticed you’re very effective at helping clients align their campaign vision with overall goals. It’s sent our team’s customer service rating off the charts. You’re doing great!”

2. Acts of service

Deadlines, last-minute projects, changing requirements. Sometimes work feels like a never-ending to-do list. In moments of overload, stepping in to lighten a coworker’s burden could be the ultimate expression of appreciation. It’s truly a case of “actions speak louder than words.”

When offering to help, check that you’re not overstepping, you can perform as needed, and you’re not overburdening yourself. Always ask your coworker before diving in and respect these boundaries. Your colleague understands their needs better than you do, so follow their lead. 

Here are a couple of ways you could start the conversation:

• “You’ve got a lot on your plate, and I have some capacity. Is there anything I can take off your hands?”

• “I’m free. What can I do to help out?”

Make sure you follow their directions to complete the task as required and that you deliver it on time. The last thing anyone needs when stressed is to re-do work they thought you’d finish.

And if you’re a people pleaser, check in with yourself to ensure you have the time and resources to help. You’re not supporting anyone if your work goes unfinished while chipping in on someone else’s project.

Taking initiative can be tricky, so start small and learn what acts of service your teammates appreciate most. For example: 

• If you’re a department head and your team is all hands on deck to meet a deadline, take some low-level tasks off their hands where possible so they can focus.

• Pick up coffee and snacks for your teammates if everyone has to work late.

• Offer technical support when you spot a colleague struggling with a new application or experiencing computer issues.

3. Quality time

Some people thrive on interaction and shared experiences. For them, receiving your undivided attention is a tangible expression of your regard, so even a five-minute chat to find out how their child is doing or to brainstorm on a project in real time could mean the world.

What’s important is that you give them your full attention. They respond to quality, not quantity.

Try kickstarting your quality time with one of the following prompts: 

• “I’d love to hear more about…”

• “What’s your opinion on…”

• “Would you be interested in joining me for [professional event]?”

You could also try these gestures: 

• Taking a new coworker out for coffee to get to know them better

• Offering to meet in person instead of over video conferencing to discuss a project

• Organizing non-mandatory team-building exercises

• Celebrating workplace-related events like anniversaries

Be aware of workers who prefer to draw a line between work and social interactions. If a colleague is reluctant to blur their personal and professional lives, respect that boundary by finding ways to interact within the confines of their job.

4. Receiving gifts

For some, a tangible gift affords them a tactile reminder that they’ve worked hard and achieved something meaningful. Gifts also make them feel considered and cared for. Something reminded you of them (maybe an article or the chance to work on a new project), which feels very thoughtful. 

To make an impact, your gift should be something you know they like, so listen carefully when they speak to determine their interests. 

Here are a few examples of what you could say to express the gift’s meaning: 

• “You’ve done such an amazing job on this project. To show my appreciation, I wanted you to have this.”

• “I saw this in the shop, and after our conversation last week, I felt like you could use a pick-me-up — you deserve it.”

• “I thought of you when I saw this.”

And here are a few ideas of what you could get your coworker: 

• Coveted resources, like access to a piece of in-demand equipment

• A gift card to their favorite coffee shop

• A plant for their desk

• A career-focused book

Ensure the gift-giving opportunity is appropriate and that rewards (whether gifts or otherwise) are fairly distributed to avoid your kind act being mistaken for favoritism. 

5. Physical touch

While more easily applied in personal relationships, physical touch isn’t the most common love language associated with the workplace, and for good reason. Because of the ethical implications, you must approach this love language cautiously at work.

A well-timed hug with a coworker you know feels comfortable with this level of affection is priceless — but everyone’s comfort levels are different. 

It’s possible to share the meaning behind a physical gesture verbally, like saying one of the following:

• “That deserves a virtual high-five. Well done!”

• “That was awesome. I want to shake your hand.”

• “Shoulder pats all around for that win.”

And here are some alternatives to physical contact that your coworkers may appreciate:

• Make eye contact and smile when offering praise

• Use a trophy as a stand-in for fist bumps and display it on someone’s desk as recognition for a job well done

How to tell someone’s love language

A great way to determine someone’s love language is through observation. While considering a coworker’s behavior, ask yourself the following questions: 

• How do they treat other team members? People most commonly express appreciation to others like they want to receive it. So if a coworker often comes to your desk to chat instead of sending an email, quality time might be their love language.

  And if your manager verbally appreciates team members but doesn’t present gifts, words of affirmation is likely their love language. 

• What do they complain about? Your coworker might feel frustrated when others don’t appreciate them in a meaningful way. If they say they wish their manager would organize more team bonding activities, for example, quality time is probably their love language. 

• What requests do they make most often? People often ask for what they crave, sometimes quite subtly, so pay attention to their requests. If your manager asks you to offer to help your coworkers, for example, they likely feel acts of service are important. 

You could also figure out someone’s love language via trial and error. For example, if you’re a manager, you could take everyone out to lunch one month and offer gifts the next, then send out a survey asking everyone which act of appreciation they preferred. 

Once you’ve assessed your coworkers’ love languages, you can start to effectively appreciate their hard work. 

Final tips

There’s no one size fits all solution to showing appreciation via love languages — everyone’s comfort level, preferences, and relationship with you are different. Here are a few suggestions to help you smoothly integrate love languages into your company culture: 

• Consider everyone’s boundaries: It’s worth reiterating that you must respect people’s boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable with certain gestures at work, regardless of their love language. When in doubt, ask. And if you accidentally cross the line, apologize. 

• Give without conditions: Beyond positively impacting your office culture, you should expect nothing in return for your acts of appreciation. Appreciation must be unconditional to be meaningful. 

• Be spontaneous: Sometimes the most significant gesture of appreciation is unexpected. If coworkers always get a coffee gift card after meeting quarterly quotas, this might not have the same effect as surprising someone on their birthday. 

• Remember, it’s give and take: Most people want to reciprocate kind gestures, even if they know you don’t expect it, so avoid grandiose acts that make people feel they owe you something they can’t handle. 

Show meaningful appreciation

Using love languages at work can help you communicate your appreciation meaningfully to each of your workmates. By incorporating the practice as a regular part of your work life, you help build a culture of gratitude that significantly impacts your coworkers’ job satisfaction, motivation, and performance.

And that’s something everyone can love.