Melinda Fouts, Ph.D., of Success Starts With You, author of Cognitive Enlightenment and awarded Top International Coach 2020 by the IAOTP.
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Lately, on LinkedIn, there have been a plethora of posts about leadership and kindness. These posts all center on the same theme: Leaders who show kindness are not weak. In my work for over 25 years, I have always considered "Why now?" when I see a preoccupation with a new trend. So the question is: Was kindness previously viewed as a sign of weakness? And if so, how come?
Certainly there used to be a mindset for leaders that went something like this: "You have to show them you’re the boss!"
Belief systems do not go away easily; does this belief still exist? Is that the reason for the big push for kindness? The statement above is an aggressive one. Let’s look at the qualities of leading with kindness and how these competencies are indeed not a sign of weakness.
Leading With Kindness
Empathy
Does showing kindness undermine authority? When kindness is seen as weakness, it's often related to the idea of showing emotions. Here is where empathy comes into play: You can have empathy for someone without being emotional.
I think there is some confusion around this concept. Just the other day, a client told me about losing their pet and how quiet the house was without this companion. Most of us can recall the experience of losing a pet and how emotional it was. Showing empathy in this situation means keeping your own emotions out of it while reflecting back to the person telling the story how sad it is when you lose a pet and how it changes the experience of walking in the door after work.
Caring
Another misdirected belief about "keeping emotions out of it" is showing your employees you care about them. If someone’s job performance has dropped, it is time to step in and find out what might be going on with them personally. This is showing you care without being emotional.
I had a client whose top employee's performance dropped drastically. My client wanted me to work with this individual. When we started, I asked, "What’s going on in your life that could impact your performance?" They told me a loved one was dying from cancer, and they were the sole caregiver. Well, you can imagine how their focus at work was compromised with worry about their loved one at home alone.
There doesn’t have to be a dramatic change in performance for you to be aware of how your team is doing. Perhaps someone on your team isn’t participating like they used to at team meetings. Step in and show you notice; in this way, you are showing you care about them.
This is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is a sign of high self-confidence that you don’t have to have your guard up.
Warmth And Influence
Kindness also means having a warm demeanor, in both verbal and nonverbal ways. Warmth builds trust quickly and with trust comes connection.
Warmth is also a powerful component of being influential. The most effective leaders have influence, and they often attain it by exuding warmth.
Power And Fear
What about the leaders who lack kindness? What tools are in their camp? Instead of influencing with kindness and warmth, they lead by putting fear into those they "lead." (It’s not really leading if it involves clandestine threats to make people do as the leader wants.) These leaders are self-serving and do not care about those they lead.
Power through inflicting threats and fear is letting everyone know "who the boss is." But in my opinion, these leaders are hiding a greater weakness—mostly from themselves. Having to show you they are "the boss" is a weakness in and of itself. This type of leadership verges on bullying, and as we all know, a bully is a coward.
Kindness In Leadership
Kindness in leadership does not inflict fear or threats. In this type of leadership, you can be vulnerable with yourself and others. Being vulnerable does not have to mean being emotional; it’s about being transparent.
The other day, one of my clients was telling me about his CEO, whom he admired. I asked him what he admired, and he told me, "The CEO walks around and speaks to everyone. He is transparent, genuine, a good listener, and really shows he cares about the employees."
With this type of warmth, the CEO probably gathers valuable information about what is going well and what is not. This keeps him at the forefront of any problems brewing so he is not taken by surprise. Kindness in leadership is a conscious choice.
Leadership In Action
Everyone can be a leader, regardless of title. Leadership is a process. I mentioned influence earlier; a kind leader focuses on social influence, which maximizes the efforts of others, allowing them to be star performers toward the achievement of a greater good.
Leading with kindness is a powerful influence. As you walk around your organization, look for opportunities to show warmth, and your team will admire you. To sum it up, in the words of Lao Tzu, "Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."
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