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Improving our mood can be as simple as cultivating a few, scientifically supported habits.
Coronavirus. Quarantine. Layoffs. Protests. The last 6 months alone have been enough to depress anyone. Yet, while every other self-help book promises a formula for happiness, few deliver. Fortunately, behavioral science provides several insights into habits we might adopt to increase our joy and happiness—almost instantaneously.
Here are 7 of them:
- Nurture existing relationships rather than pursue happiness as a goal. Even if happiness is your ultimate desire, you should not spend every moment of your life saying, “I want to be happier”. That’s not a Jedi statement. It’s much more simple. Pursuing happiness as some sort of blissful state is self-serving. And scientists have found self-serving actions in the pursuit of well-being can be counterproductive. By doing so, for example, you become more dissatisfied with your situation when you fail to see happiness materialize. And when happiness becomes the idol you live for, it fosters deep psychological problems. As an alternative, scientists suggest nurturing existing relationships. If you've a decent relationship with someone, for example, make it better. If you've a bad one, repair it. Indeed, the next habit on this list is remarkably helpful in repairing bad relationships, in particular.
- Learn to forgive. Many of us wait until someone who’s hurt us makes the first move towards reconciliation. Even if they do, we try to “punish” the malefactor by not forgiving them. Yet, the data suggests we’re only harming ourselves when we do this. Indeed, forgiveness is the single most powerful factor researchers have identified in acquiring happiness. Forgiveness even enhances our other emotional powers. For example, people who forgive are better able to control their anger. And they more easily stave off disappointments. They also avoid depression and, more generally, acquire emotional stability in the process. In other words, by cultivating a habit of forgiveness, you can become the “emotional rock” of your family and friends. And, as I alluded to above, forgiveness aids repairing bad relationships. But what’s the first step in cultivating this forgiveness? Be at all times ready to say with sincerity, "I forgive you" and "I'm sorry."
- Sincerely wish others well. On top of the above habits, researchers have found taking a sincere interest in others can boost our mood. And get this: experiments suggest it can take as little as 12 minutes! Yeah. Minutes after taking an interest in the challenges of others—be they people we know and love or strangers on the street—we gain joy. Of course, one caveat here is getting too involved in someone else’s problems. Another is helping people who don't ask for it. We need straddle these two extremes. Be ready and willing to help others, but only when asked.
- Express generosity—Don’t just feel it. A group of brain scientists have found generosity breeds a feeling of happiness—instantly. And even more important, they found sincere generosity, actually demonstrated by our actions, leads to a lasting boost in mood. Most of us know this intuitively from the feelings we get when giving gifts at holiday times or on special occasions. We feel better just thinking about giving someone something we believe they’ll like. Nonetheless, there’s an art to sincere generosity and gift-giving. If the aim is to make ourselves feel better (again, if it’s self-serving), we’ve lost the plot. If the aim is to help the other person, however, we’re on the right track. Thus, when giving a gift, the habit to form involves paying attention to what the other person wants to receive, NOT what we think he or she needs or lacks. (Spouses who buy us ugly ties for gifts take note!)
- Learn gratitude and contentment. The other side of the generosity coin is gratitude. For example, when someone gives us a gift, if we respond with 'thankfulness and joy,' we improve our own well-being. Indeed, George Mason academics have shown this is a pervasive scientific finding. Moreover, in their review of a number of happiness studies, they also found women and men differ in how gratitude boosts their happiness. Women benefit more than men in feeling greater changes in well-being. This could relate to socialization, leading men to hide their emotions. Or it could be because men are just ungrateful wretches (just kidding). At the end of the day, gratitude and contentment never lose, regardless. Cultivating such a habit is as easy as learning to say, “thank you."
- Be open, curious and flexible. The George Mason academics also found several habits interact to increase happiness. For example, being open-minded, curious and flexible boosts happiness in long-lasting ways. To understand this, consider that open-mindedness means being willing to accept new ideas and new people. It means suspending preconceived notions and biases. Obviously, this smacks our typical social order in the face. In modern society, we often feel “there’s nothing wrong” with being guarded, critical and judgmental of new people or new ideas. Evolutionary psychologists even rationalize these feelings by opining they’re natural, evolved responses. Yet, the data suggests otherwise. On the one hand, such negative dispositions are counter-productive. On the other hand, another trait, curiosity, leads to growth by way of open-mindedness and flexibility. That is, curious people are inquisitive and tend to investigate things. The curious and open-minded person investigates what she encounters in a fair way, testing its value and accepting contrary ideas that hold water. Flexibility, gives such a person wings. As a flexible person, for example, she is willing to change her opinion in light of what she’s found. Thus, an open, curious and flexible person, researchers have found, will grow. And growth will make her happier. Of course, only practice makes this combination of spectacular habits perfect.
- Live in the present moment. Many of us tend to engage in nostalgia, especially when it brings positive memories. Yet, while nostalgia seems harmless, science suggests it can breed unhappiness and even depression. It means we don’t accept the reality of change. At the same time, the internet is inundated with self-proclaimed, futuristic, thought leadership. While some opine about technology and is harmless, others encourage undo future expectations about how we will live—whether positive or negative. Yet, the fact that no “futurist” predicted the pandemic and its ramifications suggests the effort is futile and potentially misleading. By contrast, living in the present is a better and scientifically supported approach. It joins with it an appreciation of what we have and a capacity to deal with difficulties as they come. Living in the present moment is both realistic and psychologically more stable—enabling us to resist disruption and other challenges that might upset us. In any case, the habit to cultivate here involves battling thoughts. We should resist thoughts of the past or future—no matter how great or bad they were or seem to be. Stay with the present.
Admittedly, even remembering 7 habits for obtaining happiness can be tough. Here’s a cheatsheet: Live everyday as it comes. Enter every situation, no matter how dark, as an opportunity to grow and learn. Be grateful for every person and situation you meet and see them and that situation as assets on your life’s journey.
