All I want for Christmas is to stop pretending
With the holidays almost upon us, if your chest (and fists) are starting to tighten, if you're feeling unease in your gut, or as though words are forming in your throat which you cannot quite bring yourself to say, it could be that, like millions of other people around the world, you are experiencing the holiday dread of having to pretend.
Very often when we feel a lack of joy or self-expression it is because of something that we are pretending. And holidays can bring with them a lot of pretending: Pretending you want to spend your downtime with people whose company has come to make you uneasy or stressed; pretending you want to consume the amounts of food and alcohol they have prepared; pretending you are comfortable (financially or morally) with spending the amount you have on presents; pretending you like or need the gifts you are given.
As human beings, we move on. But our expectations around Christmas too often come from an imaginary place in the past.
In this respect, a successful Christmas has a lot in common with a successful sex life. Instead of wrapping up whatever it is you thought someone wanted last year (or 20 years ago), it helps to ask each person what it is they would most like now. Not only what gifts, if any, they would like to receive, but also how they would like to spend their time, and what food and alcohol they would like to eat.
Christmas is understood to be all about the joy of giving to others, however the real problem for most people comes from the feeling of being an ungrateful guest or receiver of gifts. As a host or gift-giver, rather than projecting our expectations onto our guests, it is our responsibility to check in with friends and family to find out what kind of a holiday they would welcome. As a guest or receiver, it is our responsibility to be clear about what we feel able or willing to receive.
These past weeks I have been working through these issues with many of my clients, and my gift to you is some universal advice on how to negotiate the best Christmas for you. I am fairly certain that those you care about will thank you.
Authenticity
Stop pretending. Admit to your partner, parents and (grown-up) children whatever it is you have been pretending about Christmas.
I have a vegetarian client who makes themself sick by eating Goose at Christmas 'to please their parents', and a client who hates receiving expensive gifts from the adult children who they are still supporting financially. And while of course the goose-eating parents and the overly generous children have a part to play, it is my silently blaming clients with whom the real responsibility lies.
If you've been causing your loved ones unnecessary stress for years by secretly trying to re-enact the 'perfect' Christmas you never actually had as a child, own up to it.
If you're pretending that your 10-year-old child still believes in Santa, when you know full well they don't, call it.
If you've been pretending that you love the indulgence of a 7,000 calorie meal when you secretly resent your loved ones for serving it and hate yourself for consuming it, admit it.
If you've been pretending that you love cleaning, shopping, cooking and clearing for 10 people, when in fact you've come to feel anger towards your family for no longer even offering to help, just tell it like it is.
There could well be some other matter, unrelated to the holiday, about which you are not being completely truthful, and the prospect of being together as a family is exacerbating this inauthenticity. Perhaps you’ve lost your job and haven’t told them, or are living with a partner they don’t know about. As hard as it feels, now could be the best time either to be honest with your ‘nearest and dearest’ or to let them know you don’t feel able to be with them over the holidays.
Boundaries
Once you've taken the brave step of admitting to what it is you've been pretending, the next step is to be clear about what you would feel comfortable with.
You are responsible for setting the boundaries around how you are willing to spend your time, what food and alcohol you would like to consume, and what level of gift-giving and receiving you feel comfortable with.
Often the hardest boundaries to set are around time: How many days (or hours) are you comfortable spending in your friend or family member's home? If you're hosting, how many hours or days are you happy to have folk to stay?
If you need time alone to rest and read, and often find yourself exhausted by catering to other people's needs 24/7, let your friends and family know that you will be retreating to your bedroom for 3 hours every afternoon. Or, if you are committed to taking a couple of long walks over the holiday, while everyone else is watching movies, be sure to communicate this.
My vegetarian client has chosen to let her parents know that she is very happy for them to eat meat in front of her and that she specifically does not want them to prepare her a vegetarian alternative, but instead of eating any meat, fish or poultry this year, she will be happy to make do with all of the vegetarian side-dishes on offer.
My clients whose kids are overly generous with their money have insisted that this year they want only one token gift, costing less than $50.
Connection
No matter how much time we spend around the fire with our friends and family, irrespective of what we've eaten or drunk or how many presents we've given or received, what each of us craves especially at Christmas is connection - being seen and heard and accepted by the people we feel we should be closest to. Its scary how much we want connection. That’s why, instead of risking failed attempts at closeness, we fill the space with the noise of food and gifts, so that there simply is no chance of intimacy.
To feel seen and heard around the table, here are some big open questions you can ask friends and family of all ages:
- What world events had the most impact on you growing up?
- Of all the things you learned from your parents, which do you feel was the most valuable?
- Do you resent any part of the way you were raised?
- What would you change about yourself if you could?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What makes you angry?
- Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?
- What are your guilty pleasures?
- If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
- What is the one thing you most want people to remember about you?
This year, instead of Christmas cracker jokes, you could give everyone a big open question to ask.
