G. Riley Mills is the Co-Founder of Pinnacle Performance Company and Co-Author of the book The Bullseye Principle.
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Living through a global pandemic has changed the way we communicate and interact with those around us. For over two years now, we’ve found ourselves socially distanced from others, forced to communicate and collaborate via social media apps, through texting or in virtual meetings. Over time, our face-to-face interactions have gradually diminished, with troubling results. One study found that during the pandemic, employees reported attending more meetings than ever but also reported feeling more isolated and less connected to those around them.
Even before the pandemic, people were moving away from traditional nonverbal communication, replacing it in many cases with social media and the use of technology. Recent events have accelerated that trend even more. Tricia Jones, a professor at the Klein College of Media and Communication, puts it this way: “We are so oriented toward our devices, especially young people, that we are finding it harder to want to engage the other person rather than the device. Even when we’re in literally the same space.”
Now, as we’ve begun to emerge from our Zoom bunkers, swapping out pajama bottoms for business attire, we’ll need to dust off our social skills as we reengage with people in our personal and professional orbits. Everyone has a network and being able to have productive and meaningful conversations can serve you well as you grow and advance in your career. Even chance encounters can lead to important connections that may pay off down the road. Effective conversations can result in social capital—the strengthening or expanding of our individual network of relationships that we need to grow and succeed.
Here are three things to do to have better, more meaningful conversations.
Be Curious
An important aspect of good conversations is the ability to demonstrate genuine curiosity about others. The best way to get to know someone is by learning more about them. That means asking questions and listening to their answers. A recent study found that people spend 60% of their conversations talking about themselves. This is not ideal. As the old saying goes: When you are talking, you are not learning anything new.
When meeting someone new, assume that person has passions, interests or hobbies—most likely even some that you share. Try to uncover those commonalities by asking questions and sharing similar information about yourself. Recent studies support the idea that when two strangers communicate with each other, “disclosure begets disclosure.” One benefit of asking questions during a conversation is that the mere act of doing it actually increases your level of likability in the eyes of others. According to a 2017 Harvard study, asking a question and then asking at least two follow-up questions will dramatically increase how likable you are.
Be Present
For all the benefits of good listening, people are, unfortunately, not very good listeners. In fact, 70% of workers admit to experiencing distractions at work—pointless meetings, chatty co-workers or technology. Think of how many times you have been in the middle of a conversation, and the other person looks at their phone or starts to text someone who is not part of the conversation. It doesn’t feel great when this happens and makes people feel dismissed or disrespected. Actively listening takes energy and effort. A good conversation is like a spotlight moving back and forth between people. Those who are not great conversationalists, who only like to hear the sound of their own voices, are what we call conversational narcissists. A good conversation should be a free flow of information, back and forth, with both parties contributing and both feeling heard.
Look To Add Value
One of the most basic rules of networking is you should give more than you get. Many people see business conversations (and social conversations, as well) only as opportunities to get something for themselves. This is a mistake. Networking should be an opportunity for mutual benefit for all parties involved. It is a chance for you to demonstrate what you can do for others and how you can contribute or assist, so it is unwise to only be interested in what they can do for you. Showing how you can add value can take place by asking a question such as, “How can I help?” This simple yet powerful phrase allows you to quickly build trust and rapport. And it will make the conversation itself memorable because you will likely be seen as someone who is generous and willing to help.
While the pandemic has disrupted (even upended) the traditional ways in which we all communicated and interacted, there are reasons to feel hopeful as we move back to engaging others in face-to-face conversations. Many times after a traumatic collective event that has driven people apart, societies eventually swing back in the opposite direction, seeking a renewal of the social bonding they once enjoyed. This is a good thing, because people need contact and interaction with others to truly feel a sense of belonging and community. And there is no better vehicle to facilitate this than a good, old-fashioned conversation.
So shake off those cobwebs and start engaging others again, without fear or trepidation. Build up that social capital, one compelling interaction at a time. And for those of you nervous about the shift back to face-to-face conversations with strangers, don’t fret. There’s some good news: The more you do it, the easier it gets.
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