Getty
According to a study from CCL—Center for Creative Leadership—75 percent of careers derail for reasons relating to emotional competencies. This scenario includes the inability to handle interpersonal problems, unsatisfactory team leadership during times of difficulty or conflict, or the inability to adapt to change or elicit trust. That’s quite the laundry list of misery.
DB Bedford, the founder of iNeverWorry Consulting and author of 30 Days to Emotional Wellness, says emotional intelligence means stopping your emotions from overpowering your intellect. Unfortunately, when organizations hire him to train staff and leaders, one of the clear signs of a lack of EQ (emotional intelligence) is when leaders exhibit strained relationships with the team they lead. In essence, more misery.
“Just making people feel good about being in your presence goes a long way,” said DB. He refers to situations when decision-makers are looking to lift team members up or perhaps when you give them that special assignment.
“I think those who practice emotional intelligence have a secret weapon that will move them up, and even the person making a decision might not even really know what it is. They just know it’s something about this person that they want to keep them closer to them.”
The statistics on emotional intelligence agree with DB Bedford’s commentary. Daniel Goleman—a legendary researcher and thinker in the EQ space—completed a study to look for the characteristics that distinguish star performers, regardless of their field or position. The results showed that 67 percent of the competencies that led to people’s success were emotional intelligence competencies.
DB Bedford
In his book, 30 Days to Emotional Wellness, DB Bedford unpacks barriers to emotional intelligence and takes readers through daily exercises to improve EQ.
In our conversation, DB unpacked the concept of biases. “The biases are what trips people up relatively quickly. I noticed that whenever someone is bothered by somebody else, it is typically because they’re looking at them and saying, ‘Why would you do that,’ or ‘Why are you doing it like that?’ What you’re actually saying is, ‘That’s not how I would do it,’ or ‘That’s not how I would say it.’” DB pointed out that when people project their energy out instead of allowing people to be who they are, problems ensue.
DB delved further into the EQ factors alluding to the concept of confirmation biases. It’s the scenario in which people around us (as well as ourselves) agree with engrained biases, confirming them without due diligence. Status quo biases are another type of bias where people get stuck because they want things to stay the same.
“Those emotional biases can show up in different aspects of our lives and, if you’re not careful, affect your behavior,” he said. “This will probably parlay into emotional grudges where you have a strong feeling about something somebody did or said that you disagree with. When you have these thoughts, you are not practicing emotional intelligence because those of us who practice EQ know that the other person can have a feeling about whatever, and it has nothing to do with me. If I run across you in life and catch some of your negative energy, it’s still not personal and doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
Emotional intelligence can be applied to all areas of life, not just leadership.
Let’s assume your goal is to have the best day ever. Yet, frustrating situations appear. Someone honks at you in traffic because you took a second too long at the lights. Someone decides to cut in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store. Each situation can be remedied with emotional intelligence, making it easier to handle in your head.
DB responded perfectly to these EQ opportunities: “I like to choose purpose over pettiness.”
One of the ways we can make a conscious choice not to be petty is through what he likes to call a “purposeful pause.”
“It just means you put some space in between your response. The goal is to let logic catch up with you because when emotions are high, logic tends to be low.”
Another mindset shift DB recommends for improving your emotional intelligence is setting boundaries. He provided a fantastic example with the recent kerfuffle with Kanye West.
“Just because someone throws you a ball doesn’t mean you have to catch it, right? Someone recently asked me on a call what I thought about the Kanye West situation, and I replied that I don’t. It has nothing to do with me, and I don’t need anything to do with it. I’m busy doing what I’m supposed to be doing in life.”
DB’s point? To be emotionally intelligent, sometimes you just have to say “no,” and not bother getting into situations you can never change.
Watch the interview with DB Bedford and Dan Pontefract in full below or listen to it via the Leadership NOW series podcast.
_______
Check out my award-winning 4th book, “Lead. Care. Win. How to Become a Leader Who Matters.” Thinkers50 #1 rated thinker, Amy. C. Edmondson of Harvard Business School, calls it “an invaluable roadmap.” Publishing in October 2023, a new book: Work-Life Bloom. (You won’t want to miss it.)
