Attorney and “fixer” Roy Cohn never apologized. It could be said that he was patently against apologies, as he believed it showed weakness. Some he represented have followed suit with an apology as anathema. It seems that it has become commonplace to not apologize for boorish or hurtful behavior in the workplace. There’s a fantasy of “getting away with it all,” and not taking responsibility for one’s behavior is seen as a requisite part of that.
However, the chances of you alienating your colleagues, employees, friends, and even family are strong when you don’t own up to your behavior. An apology can greatly impact you, the receiver of your apology, and your relationship. However, there are three main barriers to an effective apology: lack of concern for who you have hurt and your relationship with him or her, feeling a perceived threat to your image, and thinking apologizing isn’t effective.
You may be wondering, when should I apologize? Should you only wait for major transgressions, or should you apologize even for what you perceive as a slight? A good rule to follow is if you have hurt someone or acted in a way that is unbecoming to your status as a fellow empathic human being, apologize.
Be honest with yourself as to why you are apologizing to someone. If your answer is anything other than, “I hurt someone,” “I acted inappropriately,” “I want to repair our relationship,” or “I did something wrong,” then you may not be giving a full and honest apology. If you are half-hearted with your apology, it will show.
If you’re new to apologizing, or you would like to learn a more effective way to apologize, here is a primer. First, don’t start with, “I’m sorry you got upset when I....,” as it implies the other person is too sensitive and what you did was perfectly acceptable otherwise. It is a non-apology apology.
Be very clear that you taking full responsibility for the behavior or incident. Don’t pawn off the issue to someone else. Even if you had a partial role in the misdeed, you still are completely responsible for your behavior. When you misdirect or blame someone else, it dilutes your apology. If you have made the mature choice to apologize, do it all the way. A sincere apology has much more weight than one where you are just going through the motions. You need to show and feel actual remorse for your actions for your apology to be sincere.
Paul McCartney wrote the lyric, “I said something wrong,” in “Yesterday,” and he says of artists that change the lyric to “I must have said something wrong,” “they aren’t owning up.” Own up by saying, “I did something offensive,” or “I did something hurtful.”
Own up to your actions. State specifically the behavior or action for which you are apologizing. “I am sorry I stole the pen off your desk. It was a terrible thing to do.” It’s short and to the point. That’s it. Don’t add, “But you should be more careful about where you leave your pens next time.” By doing so, you are blaming the victim and deflecting from your inappropriate behavior.
There’s no “perfect” way to apologize, but there are a lot of ways to make a sincere and remorseful apology. And if you don’t feel you need to apologize for inappropriate actions or behavior, it’s time to take a look at your code of morals. What is preventing you from owning up to your behavior and taking full responsibility for it? It is only in honestly answering those questions that you can take steps to make sincere amends for your transgressions. A lack of a proper apology can cause strained professional and personal relationships. Not apologizing for bad behavior doesn’t make you look tough or infallible — it just makes you appear unlikeable and untrustworthy.
