Dr. Sohee Jun is a premier leadership coach, TEDx-er, Founder of S.J. Consulting and expert on women's workplace challenges.
getty
It’s a catch-22 that most of my high-achieving female coaching clients share: That which drives them is also an Achilles' heel that, when unnoticed and left to rule how they work, make decisions, take on tasks and support others at work and in life, causes resentment, burnout, misaligned use of their time and energy, and the ultimate fail, a mistrust in themselves.
Want to know what that is? It’s the inability to say “no.” Full stop. I’m raising my hand here, too. As I reflect on my career and life journey, I see that while the challenges presented may have been different, the causes that led to these challenges were the same. It was my inability to say “no” to the actions, the experiences, the projects, the ideas, the suggestions, what have you, that weren’t aligned with my priorities, what I cared about and what I ultimately wanted to do in the given context and situation.
My drive to succeed, to get the promotions and the corner office, was tethered to my taking on things—saying “yes” to what was given to me; saying “yes” to opportunities that weren’t necessarily on my list or awareness; saying “yes” to doing more and going the very, very extra mile at work and also at home not only for my ambition but also because I wanted to be that colleague. You know the one—that colleague who never lets anyone down, that peer who can always be counted on to deliver at all costs and at any hour and the friend you can count on.
Raise your hand if you’ve overcommitted yourself (and it’s not lost on me that as we near the holidays, many of you may be in this situation now). We are committed to doing more than we have time and energy for. Doing the extra hours at work while saying “yes” to that project because your colleagues didn’t have the bandwidth and you want to help... while also making the desserts for the holiday parties and making sure that the teacher gifts were purchased and wrapped up nicely in a pretty bow.
And—this is the catch-22—saying “yes” has been the vehicle by which my clients, and I, have undoubtedly reached success. It’s also the reason most of my highly successful female coaching clients come to me, masked as burnout, masked as an inability to delegate and masked as resentment.
If you’re ready for a different season and pace and to do work that feels more aligned, it’s time to undo what we’ve leaned so hard into that it’s become an automatic reflex in which we’ve atrophied the muscle of taking a beat, of taking a pause, of really reflecting to ensure that our actions align with the priorities that matter most to us and to act on those requests, experiences and projects.
Pause.
Pause before responding. Many of us are on automatic and immediately respond “yes” or “Sure, I can do that” without really understanding and examining the number of hours and amount of energy it will take to do that task.
Say these phrases first.
“Let me get back to you.” “Give me 24 hours to respond.” “Let me think about it, and I’ll let you know.” Having these phrases at the ready will buy you the precious time to check if you really want to do that ask and if it’s aligned with your priorities. And no, it won’t disappoint anyone that you’re asking for a little time.
Check your list, and take something off.
If you take on the (fill in the blank), what will need to come off your plate? Most of my clients are in the habit of only adding and not taking off. Is what you’re about to say “yes” to worth the time and energy, and what will need to come off your list? This check-in is an absolute must when undoing burnout and feelings of resentment.
Removing resentment and burnout and being aligned with your priorities takes a mindset shift, intention and some key practices. Practicing the pause and buying yourself time are the foundation to ensure that you take on what matters most to you and can help amplify what you want most in your life!
Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
