Strategy consultant & leadership coach with 25 years in finance & biz leadership roles across Asia-Pacific | Value-Unlocked Private Limited.
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We all come across people who appear very calm but who we can sense have anger and hostility beneath the surface. The show of calmness is an effort to subtly and discretely hide their real feelings. This often happens when people cannot deal with an object of resentment. Sometimes the object of resentment could be circumstances, and other times it may be a person who, by social conventions, they should submit to, like a parent, teacher or leader in the organizational context.
Many of us act this way on occasion. But when it happens very often, it becomes a behavior trait. People in such moments feel helpless, lost and resentful toward others but just don't know how to deal directly with the object of resentment, which again could be a specific person or sometimes just the circumstances they are faced with.
How does passive-aggressive behavior play out?
Everyone needs a release, but it is not easy for people who have passive-aggressive behavior traits to find it, and hence it plays out in the following ways:
• Muttering to themselves rather than taking the person or issue head-on
• Being sarcastic
• Denying the existence of a problem
• Shutting down and no longer contributing to a discussion by giving others the silent treatment
• Appearing cooperative while purposely trying to do things to annoy or disrupt
• Expressing themselves in a way that doesn't match how they feel—e.g., smiling when angry or holding a closed body posture while verbally giving the impression that they are in agreement
• Using subtle ways to get even, say by not cooperating, shirking ownership or instigating others against a decision
• Sending emails challenging a decision after being party to that decision
• Always looking to get even in some way
Over time, such individuals tend to get alienated from the organizations they're a part of. They stop being accepted in teams, are not seen as trustworthy employees and often start perceiving themselves as powerless.
How can one deal with passive-aggressive behaviors?
Like most other behaviors, these are learned behaviors, and the most potent way to unlearn such behaviors is to become conscious of them. To deal with such behaviors, one can try the following:
• Recognize, acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions and their impact on others.
• Identify the underlying feelings and needs driving the behavior; these most likely will stem from feelings of insecurity, anger or resentment.
• Express your feelings and needs directly. Practice assertive communication. Speak up for yourself clearly and respectfully.
• Learn to manage and regulate your emotions; techniques such as mindfulness and deep breathing could be helpful.
• If you think you can't control your behavior by yourself, seek a coach or even a therapist if the trait is very strong. They may be able to help you understand the underlying causes of your passive-aggressive behavior and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Passive-aggressive behaviors from employees can have serious consequences. If someone in your team consistently sends mixed messages about their intentions, your team may regularly miss its goals and deadlines and certainly will not be the cohesive, high-performing team you want it to be. Such people may also withhold instructions or other critical information to obstruct fellow team members' progress or undermine decisions seemingly adopted by consensus. Sarcastic comments could affect productivity, breed resentment and damage morale.
What strategies can managers or organizations adopt to help control passive-aggressive behaviors?
• Identify and call out such behaviors. This may not be easy since passive-aggressive behaviors sometimes play out subtly, making them challenging to identify.
• Create a safe environment. Let the concerned person know that it is safe for them to raise concerns and discuss issues with you in the open, rather than covertly. It helps if you walk the talk by encouraging, praising and supporting people who highlight concerns and bring matters to your attention.
• Give accurate and specific feedback. Make a note of and discuss exact situations rather than speaking in a general way.
• To get your message across more clearly, confront passive-aggressive people directly and face-to-face rather than through email.
• Remain calm and composed. Speak to them in a measured and even tone. The first time, you may give them the benefit of the doubt. They may not even realize they are passive-aggressive; hence, an empathetic approach can help diffuse anxiety and anger.
• Don't let them pass the blame, and don't accept their responses at face value. They may often claim they are fine when they are not. Try to understand the underlying causes, explore ways to handle these and deal with the situation constructively.
• Open communication channels. Passive-aggressive people struggle to express their emotions openly and often lack good communication skills, and they may prefer to send emails rather than address issues directly face-to-face. In such situations, encourage them to develop skills and confidence to speak to others directly.
No doubt, passive-aggressive behavior can be challenging to deal with, but with increased awareness and effective coping strategies, individuals can navigate these situations with more confidence and ease. By identifying the underlying emotions and motivations behind the behavior, individuals can effectively communicate their needs and maintain healthy relationships with those who display passive-aggressive tendencies. Remember, the key is to approach these situations with empathy, understanding and a commitment to finding a resolution that works for everyone involved.
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