Esther Weinberg is a renowned business growth accelerator for executives in high-growth media and technology industries at The Ready Zone.
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Communication is a minefield today. As a person who considers herself a woman who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community, I can tell you language matters now more than ever. I’ve had well-intentioned people say things to me such as “Where is your husband?” When I responded, “Oh, you mean my wife?” they said, “How does that work?” My mother said, “You’ll love my doctor,” and when I asked why, she innocently said, “Because they are gay, too!” Others have commented, “Are you sure you want to share this story with people that tells the audience you have a wife? Is that something you really want people to know?”
It’s really tough for everyone of every race, ethnicity, gender and color to be champions and advocates for each other and even stand in the space of inquiry. I’ve heard the same phrase over and over again from people of diverse communities to white people: “You’ve heard us for years, now what are you going to do?” I’ve also seen the look on the faces of those on the receiving end—the look of complete bewilderment as they try to really contemplate what they can possibly do to make a real and substantive difference for marginalized communities.
We all must remember that we are not going to solve discrimination overnight. We are raised in families and cultures with their own particular set of values, biases, experiences and assessments of what it means to be a human being in this world having a human experience. That lens shapes how we think and perceive the world and the inherent actions we decide to take. Unless those lenses are examined and re-examined, it’s impossible to shift consciousness.
I was speaking with a white female heterosexual leader at an entertainment company who was struggling with how to communicate with her employees after the company she works for was found to completely contradict their stance on racism—from being an advocate to being silent on such issues. She wanted to do something, anything, for people to feel they were not alone. What could she do?
I find many leaders are facing the same question. They are leading a diverse employee base who want to feel heard and know they belong. They want equity—not only inclusion—and they want action, not words with no meaning behind them.
As an executive coach, I do what I can not to advise as that’s not my role. In this situation, she asked me for exactly that, for advice as a woman who is gay, and below is what I shared. It’s also my advice if you, too, are struggling with the same issue.
Demonstrate empathy, and avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” Absolutely do not tell me you know how it feels because you don’t. I can’t stand in front of a Black person saying I know what it means to be Black because I certainly don’t. What you could do is pull from times you, too, have experienced discrimination to demonstrate empathy. What I can do is inquire about how you are feeling and ask about your experience and what evidence will demonstrate to you that I am an ally in action, not simply in words. As an example, a chief marketing officer at a large entertainment company told her team that as a strategic priority, she would ensure that they create marketing spots on content platforms that give awareness to LGBTQIA+ issues.
Have the sometimes difficult but important conversations with leadership. Discuss with senior leaders of influence what you can do together to elevate the voices of marginalized communities and include those who are of different populations to ensure you are on the right track. Don’t invest financially in discrimination issues unless you are really ready to make tough decisions according to your investment.
Admit when you misstepped and correct your actions immediately. The moment you step over your word, people will find it hard to trust you ever again. Hold space for folks like me in real time and publicly take a stand for me—not just when it makes your organization look more charitable. Really demonstrate to people inside and outside your company who you are, what your values are and what you will and won’t stand for.
I was speaking with a human resources leader who facilitates conversations about race, equity and belonging in the workplace and she was sharing her fear about getting “it right.” Her chief diversity officer is Black and is one of the smartest, most caring and inclusive leaders I’ve met. I suggested while facilitating these conversations to have him in the back of the room, and if she does misstep in real time, they can discuss it live and be a role model for all. She was not open to the idea for fear that she would embarrass herself publicly.
Look, it’s tough to know what “right” is or to get “it” right, even if you are a person of color speaking to a population of people of color. All of our experiences are different, and we have different lenses through which we see the world. And we are going to step all over ourselves. I believe that’s the magic of being open. It’s not that we won’t misstep; it’s what we do when we do misstep. People need to see language match action and then who you are in action in order to experience possible progress.
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