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The Unknown “Derailer” Of Empathy And How To Work Around It

Forbes Coaches Council

Lori Kuhn, Executive Coach, Founder of Thrive – a human development company has over 30 years of business experience.

Now more than ever people are talking about empathy. A common assumption is that empathy is an emotion and therefore should come naturally. Right? I mean, how hard can it be?

Very hard, actually! And, if not done right, can have detrimental consequences.

The odds of effective empathy are stacked against us because we are missing a key understanding of it—selective/inhibited empathy. This is the biggest obstacle to empathy, yet it has never been addressed. Selective/inhibited empathy arises when you have opposing or dissimilar beliefs, opinions and/or biases (gender, age, race, politics, physical aesthetics, financial status, etc.) toward or about other individuals.

This was never more clear than during the events of 2020. I can’t count how many times I heard the same individual state, “I hate that person because they are such a hater!” (not realizing their own perpetuation of hate). This was followed by, “We need to love and appreciate each other and our differences!” This is selective/inhibited empathy at its core. It’s saying, I’m only going to empathize with you if you believe as I do or if I deem you to be worthy of my empathy. In this way, there is an inhibition to expressing empathy toward anyone outside of one’s limited, self-identified parameters of what and who is and is not acceptable.

Empathy involves a deeper understanding of what an individual is experiencing. It is a genuine concern for your fellow human beings in a way that allows you to connect on a level deeper than the weather. However, if someone isn’t like-minded, has opposing beliefs or, worse yet, hates you, throw empathy out the window—it’s not happening. It’s hard to convey empathy, if it can be felt at all, when you are internally caught up in your negative emotions, personal agenda or judgment. Just like love, empathy can be withheld.

My client’s employee, I’ll call her Sara, was in the midst of a challenging personal issue that caused her work to suffer. She would show up late, miss days and not get things done on time. My client bent over backward to be flexible, support and advocate for her during this time. She felt that their communication and her empathy toward Sara and her situation were great. One day, HR approached my client and said that she had been reported for not being respectful of Sara. After numerous meetings and involvement by my client’s boss and others, Sara came forth and said it was all a miscommunication issue. With my client’s reputation on the line, she was more than angry with Sara—she felt betrayed, frustrated and resentful.

Can you honestly be empathetic toward someone who turns on you? The person who doesn’t contribute or finish their work on time, who doesn’t see your value or, worse yet, who diminishes it?

After the 2020 blowup, you’d assume the answer is “no.” It takes a highly emotionally skilled person to express empathy in such extreme situations. However, with practice, the following two strategies can help you increase your awareness, see past your differences and reach an empathetic understanding.

1. Understanding Others

• Ask insightful questions to gain a deeper understanding. Ensure the questions aren’t meant to justify your preconceived opinions. Oftentimes, we make assumptions about others and their personal challenges. Clarifying our understanding of their situation helps stave off any judgment we’ve created. Remember, we all have unique ways of dealing with life’s challenges and our way isn’t the best for everyone.

• Listen to them. Sometimes being heard is all that someone needs. If your beliefs are in opposition to theirs, remember, you are listening to gain an empathetic understanding not to change their beliefs or reinforce yours.

• Understand that they may not have the skills necessary to transform the experience in a way that they or you would prefer them to. When people are carrying heavy emotions for long periods of time (trauma, mourning, stress, victimhood) this momentous energy can have a stifling effect on their ability to move past it—they become emotionally hijacked.

2. Understanding Yourself

• Become aware of your feelings toward the other person. Determine if you are coloring the situation with your judgment. Once you’ve identified this, it’s easier to develop a strategy to move forward. You can’t change the other person but you can change how you respond to them.

• Realize that there is value in differing opinions. Most people take this as a sign of opposition when in reality, it’s just a difference in perspective based on an individual’s life experiences. You don’t have to inhibit your empathy because you believe differently.

• Check in with your personal energy by questioning yourself:

• How do I feel right now? If it’s not good, what can I do at this moment to make it better?

• Will this interaction increase or decrease my energy? If it will decrease it, ask yourself what you can do to support them in a productive manner without losing your energy. Remove yourself from the space if it becomes too much to handle. Let them know that you care and are concerned for their well-being and that you’ll reconnect at another time when you can be of greater support.

• Is this how I want to spend my energy? It’s not your responsibility to empathize with everyone. Sometimes selective empathy is what is necessary for your own well-being and that of others.

• Step into neutrality. Viewing others' challenges through an observer’s lens allows you to navigate strong emotions or judgment and helps reduce the detrimental consequences of over- or under-empathizing. It’s not about lowering your energy (becoming overly emotional: sad, angry, etc.) to relate to them. It’s about maintaining your energy so, through your influence, they can connect to the strength necessary to handle their situation.

Through nonjudgmental awareness gained by asking insightful questions, listening, validating differences and responding from neutrality, selective/inhibited empathy can be mitigated and an empathetic understanding can be achieved.


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