Kathy Shanley, the Founder of Statice, served 30 years in the C-suite. She helps leaders and businesses level up their leadership skills.
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Gallup’s findings show that "organizations are not teaching managers to have meaningful conversations at the right frequency with their teams." A common reason some avoid meetings is because needed conversations can be difficult. In a separate survey, Gallup found that managers generally don’t know what to say in these circumstances, with only 14.5% strongly agreeing that they are effective at giving feedback.
One human resources executive I work with found that some team members are unable to have difficult conversations with direct reports, sometimes because of conflict avoidance or socializing outside of the workplace too much, thus losing the necessary objectivity or credibility. Whether you are a manager, being managed or collaborating with other teams, successful conversations start with communicating in a way that helps you be heard and builds a connection to get the results you want. Here are seven steps leaders should share with employees to create meaningful conversations.
1. Provide context.
Set the stage for the situation that prompted the conversation. Give an example of the situation or behavior you want to see changed. This applies to talking with team members or colleagues where there is no reporting relationship (up or down). Share your facts with a few conversation starters such as “I noticed...” or “Twice you...”
One colleague I struggled with repeatedly kept a project team waiting for him at our meetings. He didn’t appear to have knowledge of the agenda or the status of issues on the agenda. The cross-departmental team’s engagement started to waiver as the team began to wonder whether he cared about the project or their time. I feared that if I failed to address the situation, the project would miss deadlines, I would be seen as accepting the behavior and team morale would continue to decline. I met with my colleague and set the foundation by providing context: “I noticed you show up five to 10 minutes late for these meetings and seem unprepared. I feel like I am pulling information out of you.”
2. Share your observations.
Next, tell your story and what you observe about this situation. A conversation might start with “I'm beginning to wonder if...” Share what you observe between them and you. For that same colleague, I shared that I felt like I was doing the heavy lifting and that he was showing up unprepared.
3. Describe the impact.
Third, describe what you think is the impact on the relationship between you and the other members of the team. Don’t overlook the impact on the business and the project. I explained to my colleague: “We waste time, and I get frustrated. There are times I work around you when you don’t show up or respond. When you are late to the meeting, the team spends time getting you up to speed on what we’ve already discussed or decided.”
4. Talk tentatively.
State your facts first (through the steps above) and then offer your opinion on the situation. When sharing your opinion, be clear that your opinion is just that: your perspective and how you see things. Conversation starters include phrases like “In my opinion...” and “I wonder if...” For this same colleague, I mentioned that when he is late or unprepared, I begin to wonder if he is supportive of the project or whether he has other, more pressing priorities.
5. Ask about the other person’s path.
The book Crucial Conversations emphasizes the importance of asking the other person what they know and what their intentions are. Exploring these questions helps get buy-in from the other person and shows that you are open to hearing their perspective on the situation. In my situation with my colleague, I got curious about his behavior and the underlying reasons behind his opinions. I started exploring what was behind his behavior by asking him to help me understand what was happening in his world.
6. Encourage testing.
Actively ask for opposing views to understand the other person’s perception. Listen for the reason behind their opinion. As the conversation unfolds with more information, ask them how they know what they know. Crucial Conversations suggests asking “Do you see the situation differently?”
For example, my colleague shared that this project was not as high a priority as another organization-wide strategy. The other project was consuming an enormous amount of his time, and he noticed the meetings for it were immediately before the meeting we were discussing. We discussed how he determined the priorities, potential times to reschedule our meeting and the possibility of delegating his role to a senior member of his team who would have the time to invest in the project.
7. Share what you’d like to see next time.
Finally, discuss what you want to happen the next time. Be clear about the benefit of making these changes on team members and the business results. For this same colleague, I shared that I wanted him to communicate about his workload and priorities sooner. We also reached an agreement on how we would follow up on our conversation about the project in the future.
A few final words to take with you.
Building your conversation with these seven steps helps you share your observations—even the difficult ones, helps you be heard and impacts how others respond. Leaders who invest the time in teaching this conversational foundation will help employees have meaningful conversations and set clear expectations while providing opportunities for professional development and helping employees feel more connected with each other and the organization’s mission.
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