weekend open thread – September 17-18, 2022

by Alison Green on September 16, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Happy-Go-Lucky, by David Sedaris. As always, he’s both funny and dark while writing about his family, and this time the pandemic too.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder of the rules for the weekend thread: Comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas (but please no posts that are merely “here’s an update on my life” as those quickly give the thread a cliquish feel). Recommendations or an update or two on things you received advice about in the past are also fine.

  2. Jane the Fourtheenth*

    New neighbors have frequent parties outside, usually on weekend nights but occasional work nights recently. How late do you consider it acceptable for the noise of outdoor party (music, loud talking)….and if your neighbor goes later than that more than once, how would you handle?

    1. Bubba*

      I would say 11 pm and I would handle it by calling in an anonymous complaint. I don’t like confrontation and have seen too many of those “deadly neighbors” crime shows! I hope someone else will have a better idea for you though :)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Our local noise ordinance says noise shouldn’t be audible off your property after 10pm. If I can hear my neighbors’ ruckus from inside my house, I call the cops at midnight on weekends and 10:30 on weeknights.

      This is because about half the time they have parties in our neck of suburbia, there are 50+ guests taking up all the street parking in the subdivision (unsafely to boot), microphones and amplifiers, and live bands, so it’s not like they don’t know they’re making an absurd amount of noise.

    3. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      I’d just go over during the day to welcome them to the neighborhood & bring it up casually, but matter of factly. In the past I’ve asked if I can just call/text them if there’s an issue vs calling in a noise complaint & I’ve never had anyone say no. Caveat: I’ve always lived in suburbia or residential neighborhoods, so I don’t know that this would work in more densely populated communities.

    4. Maree*

      Weeknights 10pm is the limit but people round here frown after 9. Fri & Sat midnight, especially in summer maybe a little light noise up to 1. There is more leeway given if it’s an unusual event than a frequent problem. Here the wise thing to do is to invite the neighbours if you think things will go late. considered bad form to complain if you are invited:)

      1. Gnome*

        I disagree. Inviting me to something doesn’t make it ok to keep me and my kids up if we choose not to attend.

    5. mreasy*

      I would call the police non-emergency line if they are white, but not if they’re BIPOC or have any non-white guests. Maybe come by during the daytime and address in a friendly manner? Or write a note but include your phone number and offer to discuss in the spirit of compromise. I don’t think anyone will pay attention to an anonymous note. It’s likely they just don’t know how well the noise is carrying. FYI I live in NYC where my neighbors tend to be nice and not have guns so perhaps I’m being naive here.

      1. Generic+Name*

        Wait. Are you for real? Or did you perhaps mean the first sentence the opposite way it is typed? Although, I can’t imagine calling 911 for a noise complaint regardless of the color of the noisy people’s skin.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Pretty sure mreasy means they wouldn’t call the cops at all on visible minorities which I agree with – I’m loathe to call police under any circumstance.

              1. Generic+Name*

                “But not if they are non white” I interpreted that as “call the emergency line [911] if they are BIPOC” which sounds terrible. But now that I see the comments and re-read it I see that I was reading between the lines incorrectly. :)

        2. Dont be a dork*

          Non-emergency line is not 911. I know that sometimes it gets shunted over to the 911 center if I call down here, but normally a regular dispatcher? desk officer? answers.

      2. VLookupsAreMyLife*

        @mreasy, I take this to mean you will not even call the non-emergency number if there are BIPOC present, correct? Same here, actually.

        1. AGD*

          Yeah, I read this as “if there are only white-passing people around, call the non-emergency line; if there are visibly BIPOC people around, don’t call law enforcement at all,” and that strikes me as sensible, especially in the United States.

          1. tessa*

            Really? I should just let my kids and pets suffer loud neighbors if those neighbors are being loud and obnoxious because…BIPOC?

            Huh?

            1. calling police*

              BIPOC neighbors are statistically more likely to end up hurt or dead from simple innocent interactions. if the police force in your area doesn’t have a history for that and you trust them, then go ahead and call. otherwise, i wouldn’t want that on my conscience if someone is treated unfairly. obviously if the neighbor is being repeatedly loud and obnoxious and they haven’t listened to your complaints, then okay, escalate. but calling the police on BIPOC shouldn’t be the go-to.

            2. marvin*

              It’s because playing loud music shouldn’t be a death sentence and police can’t be trusted not to escalate to violence.

              Personally I wouldn’t call the police at all. There are a few demographics who can be at risk for police violence.

            3. Mallory Janis Ian*

              Yes, really. When I weigh my kids’ or pets’ sensitivity to noise against exposing people to a high likelihood of risk of police violence, one is minor and the other is major and I don’t do it.

    6. Sloanicota*

      I recently bought a really good white noise machine and it’s been lifesaving. The one I bought is adjustable so you can cover higher or lower noises. It saved my relationship with my neighbors and I can control my evenings now.

      1. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        Nod. I have white noise and ear plugs. It’s just an outdoor TV but it goes all the time. Like if I called the cops on an old man for that I wouldn’t see heaven.

    7. Rara+Avis*

      Our neighbors were in the habit of socializing outside, sometimes starting at 3:30 a.m. not crazy loud (just music, talking, laughing) but due to the arrangement of our houses it sounds like they’re in our bedroom. We don’t have AC so keeping the windows open at night is the only way to cool down the house. My husband was brave enough to talk to them, and although he’s not a reader, he pretty much used the AAM model: of course reasonable people wouldn’t want to keep their neighbors up at night. And it worked!

    8. Alexis Rosay*

      I think 10pm is reasonable for a regularly occurring party, later if it’s a holiday like July 4th.

      Try to talk to them first. It doesn’t always work but it’s worth a try. Talk to them right away, during the party itself. Just say, “Hey, we’re going to bed and we can hear the noise from this really clearly in our house. Can you keep it down?” (Otherwise, if they’re not reasonable, people can end up arguing with you about how late it really was, how loud it really was.)

    9. fhqwhgads*

      I don’t factor in my own feelings about the lateness. I go by whatever my local ordinance says.
      Locally we have a specific phone number to call for noise complaints. It’s separate from the non-emergency police line. I’d call that. That said, they also literally told me they were too understaffed to do anything about it. And yet, after three straight weekends of super loud parties and noise, the weekend after I’d called, it did stop. Don’t know if it’s a coincidence or if the call made a difference (or if they have some secret threshold of X calls and they actually act) but mentioning this because even though I always go the Official route, it may not do anything.

      1. Girasol*

        Yes, this. That way there’s no clash of opinions on when is too late because it’s what the city/county says. (One night we could hear chunga chunga chunga indoors with the windows closed. Outside I could hear the words of a country music tune way too loud from a few doors down. I walked toward the sound – hm, not them, it’s a little farther down – and I walked – no, just little farther over there – and I walked and I walked… Three quarters of a mile away there’s a tiny bar that I had never noticed in five years living here that had a whopping new sound system for a band on the patio. It’s annoying. But the moment it’s 11:00 – city noise ordinance time here – we can count on nothing but crickets. Yay, noise ordinance!)

    10. Stinky kitty*

      Oh man, I’ve been on the opposite side of this. Had the police called on us on several occasions while playing in a band. Usually they came before the noise ordinance kicked in as a friendly reminder of said ordinance, and we would time it to wind up at or before then. Most humorous time was when a sheriff’s deputy showed up and we started playing the theme to Cops. That got a genuine laugh from him.

    11. Gnome*

      where I am, you cannot file an anonymous complaint. So we got little foam ear plugs. they aren’t great, but they help.

      We are in suburbia and have one set of neighbors that sometimes leave their large dog out barking late at night, randomly have loud parties, and occasionally these include speakers and (illegal) fireworks. if they were folks I’d reasonably run into (next door neighbors or something) I would say something. but they are behind and to the side, and I don’t even know if I could pick out the right house if I was on that street.

    12. Oui oui oui all the way home*

      I’ll let others speak to how they handle things with the neighbor, and I’ll focus my answer on minimizing noise to help you sleep. I sleep during the daytime when the rest of the world is active, so I’ve had to come up with some good options to help me sleep when other condos near mine are doing construction or otherwise noisy. First, I close the bedroom windows, I also wear good earplugs (the local drugstore kind show ratings of noise blockage and I’ve found softer ones with high ratings work best), then I turn on one or more fans (a white noise machine would do the same), have a soft pillow that covers my ears, and I also take a sleep aid medication like melatonin. I hope some of these options are helpful if you need them.

    3. CharlieBrown*

      It put me in mind of the painting by Pere Borrell del Caso, except cats don’t seem to mind criticism. In fact, they generally don’t even notice it.

    1. thewriterbean*

      My head has been in a bit of a blah spot lately, so I’m going to comfort reads. At the moment I’m reading the Jenny Colgan “Class” series — basically boarding school drama that is very light and fluffy and far removed from my work realities! I’m not sure why, but light and fluffy English fiction is my go to when I’m a bit down. Maybe because from this side of the world, it feels like a magical fairyland?

      I’m also in the market for some funny reads so will be watching this thread with interest.

      1. ElsieD*

        Thank you so much for this- I had never heard of Jenny Colman but Libby had her books and I’m having lovely time. Edinburgh does sound like a magical fairyland in the book I’m reading- with lots of stairs.

    2. Fiction Reader*

      Dear Committee Members by Julie Schumacher and Straight Man by Richard Russo – both academic satires. Any book by Carl Hiaasen, he writes crazy novels that take place in Florida. The classic Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome holds up despite being published in 1889!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Loved *I Capture the Castle* — someone gave it to me as a gift, and it was awesome!

          1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

            I can’t explain why, but I feel like if you enjoyed I Capture the Castle, you might also like Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (it was later made into a Francis McDormand film that is also delightful).

      2. GoryDetails*

        I thoroughly enjoyed Dear Committee Members – but was let down by the sequel, which is not presented in epistolary form and, for me, lost a lot thereby.

        Three Men in a Boat is one of my favorite comic novels, in print as well as in audiobook form. I’ve also enjoyed Three Men on the Bummel (same characters, cycling through Germany).

      3. I'm currently in higher ed*

        Dear Committee Members is good but ends on uhhhhh a bit of a down note. I read it, thought it was okay, probably wouldn’t recommend it as a comfort read.

        I haven’t read the list entirely but I’d recommend The Eyre Affair (Jasper Fforde) or the Kaiju Preservation Society (John Scalzi). Also the Redwall books are always a good comfort read for me.

    4. Kyrielle*

      I’m reading Glynn Stewart’s Peacekeepers of Sol series. I’m enjoying it very much, but it’s not funny, alas. (I think his Starship’s Mage series is better, but it’s also not funny, so.)

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m reading The Toll by Neal Schusterman. The whole trilogy has been a bit… adequate. I want to see how everything plays out and it’s a cool concept but I often feel like I’m kind of bored of it even while reading.

      “I Capture the Castle” is really funny imo

      1. Ampersand*

        I feel the same about this series and haven’t finished reading The Toll yet…and it’s been so long since I started it that I’m going to need a refresher on where I left off/what was happening. Agreed, it’s adequate, though I had high hopes for the series!

    6. Free Meerkats*

      Currently reading “Into the Drowning Deep” by Mira Grant (Seanan McGuire). Mermaids are real, and they’re nothing like Ariel.

      1. Lilo*

        I’m a bit frustrated because I was well into that series and they disappeared from Libby. I know I can go get the actual book, but I’m a Libby addict.

          1. Lilo*

            Ah given the mermaids in her Wayward Children series I thought it was related to that. Her stuff can be a bit tough t9 find sometimes.

              1. PhyllisB*

                Didn’t realize Auntie Mame was a series!! I’ll have to check it out. Loved the Auntie Mame book and both movies.
                In case you’re not familiar, first one starred Rosalind Russel, the re-make starred Lucille Ball.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I enjoyed “Into the Drowning Deep”, though not as much as Grant’s “Newsflesh”/zombie-apocalypse books. It does have a different spin on mermaids than in other sources – and contrasts interestingly with Grant’s/McGuire’s “Wayward Children” mermaids as seen in “Come Tumbling Down”, “Beneath a Sugar Sky,” and “Where the Drowned Girls Go” – in which we finally get to see the *other* portal-kids’ school, the one ostensibly for kids who are traumatized by their worlds and don’t want to go back.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Started on the Craft Sequence by Max Gladstone, a really interesting series of fantasy novels. Fantastic, if dense, world building with urban settings, a war against the gods, magic and necromancy.

      1. Wink the Book*

        That series is one that kinda broke my brain in good ways. That said I REALLY recommend reading Last First Snow before Two Serpents Rise. Having done it the other way, LFS was a CHALLENGE to get through. Good book, but the character dynamics messed with me.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m doing my annual rereading of spooky stories/novels for the time of year: tons of short stories, Dracula, and Frankenstein. I love them all, and short stories are great because you can find something to appeal to every kind of taste. In that vein (hee) I recommend:

      Arthur Conan Doyle’s Lot 249 (this and his other one, The Ring of Thoth, basically invented the whole “curse of the mummy” genre)
      The Big Book of Ghost Stories, Otto Penzler,Vintage Crime/Black Lizard Press. Edith Wharton’s Afterward and AM Burrage’s Just Behind You are special favorites.
      Novels include every single damn thing by Shirley Jackson but especially The Haunting of Hill House and Hangsaman.

      For just plain ol’ funny novels I love The Cheese Monkeys, by Chip Kidd, and Shirley Jackson’s memoirs Raising Demons and Life Among The Savages. Oh, God, her description of her husband trying to hunt a bat with an air rifle is to die for.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, and!
        Connie Willis, everything by Connie Willis. For lighthearted thoughtful greatness, her short novel Bellwether is one of my favorites of all time.

        2. Artemesia*

          Bellwether captures the insanity of academia so well. Love it. Passage will give you nightmares.

          A quirky book about the staff of a failing English language newspaper in Rome is a good read. It is told in intersecting stories about each of the characters.
          Tom Rackman. The Imperfectionists.

        3. GoryDetails*

          I love Connie Willis’ works – I think Doomsday Book was the first novel of hers that I read, and it and the Blackout/All Clear duology are my favorites of her longer works.

          She has a marvelous collection of holiday-themed stories, A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS, that I adored: some tales are creepy, some SF-themed, some hilarious, a really good collection.

        4. the cat's pajamas*

          I just listened to the audiobook, then listened to it again, it was great! I got the recommendation from someone here, iirc.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Loooove “Life Among the Savages.” It cracks me up so much that she wrote multiple “woman loses her mind in that weird old house at the edge of town” novels and then you find out that’s literally where she lived. Imagine being one of her neighbors and reading Hill House or even The Lottery!

      3. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

        Ooh! Goddessoftransitory, if you like Shirley Jackson (as everyone should), you might be into the book I just finished called Elsewhere by Alexis Schaitkin. Very quietly creepy, very interested in exploring themes of gender roles & xenophobia, which of course were also big for SJ. I felt unsettled the whole way through, but couldn’t put it down.

      4. GoryDetails*

        I’m a big horror fan, and enjoy re-reading the classics – as well as discovering new authors. Glad to see the nod to “Lot 249”, one of my favorite mummy-based stories – delightfully creepy. (The short stories of M. R. James and E. F. Benson are also big favorites of mine.)

        Among newer books, the anthology CLASSIC MONSTERS UNLEASHED – the contributing authors were challenged to take classic movie monsters and find some unexpected spins on them, whether retelling their stories from the monsters’ point of view, coming up with alternate explanations for them, shifting them into different times or places – or, in some cases, telling the tales from a secondary character’s viewpoint. (One involves Maleva, the old woman from “The Wolf Man” whose knowledge of the werewolf curse eases the pangs of the wolf man a teeny bit. The story puts a very different and deliciously creepy interpretation on that.)

        Shirley Jackson counts for horror and humor both; her short stories have included some of the most unsettling scenes I’ve ever read – and that includes the ones without any supernatural component – and her domestic-comedy tales are hilarious.

      5. Grey Panther*

        “Breakup” by Dana Stabenow. It’s a relatively early entry in her Kate Shugak series, and there is a mystery involved, but this book makes me laugh every time I read it. If you’ve ever lived in snow country, you’ll appreciate Stabenow’s incorporating the kinds of unintentional, unexpected insanity that come with the winter-into-spring transition.

          1. Cousin Eunice*

            That was the only book in the series I bought a copy of, instead of getting it from the library! I wonder if the series is on my library’s Libby app–thank you for mentioning it!

            1. Grey Panther*

              Wish I’d done the same, Cousin Eunice. It’s one I’d like to own too, but all I can find is e-copies. For this book I may have to give up my resistance to e-books!

    9. Business Narwhal*

      I read Around the world in 80 days recently for school and it was a surprisingly chill sometimes funny read. It could have helped that I was reading it with my friends. Mr. Fogg and Ms. Aouda’s relationship was all sorts of weird and it was fun to laugh at.

    11. RedinSC*

      I just finished These Precious Days by Ann Patchett. There’s some humor, it’s a series of essays she’s written, pretty recently. I really enjoyed it.

      1. RedinSC*

        I misrepresented, the book does have some humor in it, but the end is sad, It’s lovely, but sad, so if you need something lighter, maybe not this one right now. I do recommend, though

      2. Verbsy*

        I loved that book! I read it in the days after my bestie died of MBC and essays about friendship, knitting, writing, dogs, and dogs in bookstores were the perfect thing to escort me into a world without her.

    12. RagingADHD*

      Not reading them currently, but the Professor Dr von Igelfeld series by Alexander McCall Smith is belly-laugh funny.

    13. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Funny novels recs:

      Mr Loverman by Bernadine Everisto

      Straight Man by Richard Russo

      Any Nancy Mitford

    14. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading Phantoms by Dean Koontz. I’ve never read any of his books and decided to try this one since I usually like stories where a whole disappears at once or something similar. (Plus it was only $2.99 on Amazon.) I was fine up until a gruesome discovery in a bakery, and I’m not sure I want to continue the book. Normally stuff like this doesn’t bother me, but this book reads much more like a horror movie that most other thrillers I read, and I don’t like horror movies. My husband is camping this weekend so I’m home alone. And when I read, it’s in bed in the dark, so the scene freaked me out enough to stop reading for the night. (Yes, I’m a big chicken.)

      Has anyone else read this book? Are there a lot of gruesome scenes? If not, then maybe I’ll continue reading. Otherwise, I’ll move on to the next book in my digital library, which is Upgrade by Black Crouch.

      1. WellRed*

        I haven’t read that one but I read several of his books ages ago. I don’t consider them thrillers, leaning more toward horror but he’s kind of hard to classify.

        1. UKDancer*

          I’d say he’s more horror than thriller. I like some of his earlier stuff better than the more recent ones. Lightning is my favourite of his as I like the protagonist, Laura.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I feel like his earlier books are more horror-y, while his later ones moved more toward thrillers.

        In general, the book of his that I recommend to folks who haven’t read his stuff before is Tick Tock, which is sort of a cross between a “survive through the night” thriller and slapstick comedy. With a dog.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I haven’t read any Dean Koontz in years, but I read one time that Stephen King said he reads Dean Koontz for a good scare. Hmm.
          I quit reading his books because they were getting too gruesome/upsetting to me. However, I may try Tick Tock, that sounds like one I might like. I remember reading one of his books (can’t remember the title) where the opening sentence was, “Harry would have had a good day if he hadn’t had to kill someone before lunch.” Now that’s certainly an attention grabber!!

    16. Hiring Mgr*

      Heat 2 which is a sequel/prequel to the movie Heat starring Pacino and Deniro, written by Michael Mann who wrote/directed the film.

    17. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Donald E. Westlake’s *Smoke* about a burglar who gets turned invisible by some researchers for a tobacco company. Westlake wrote a lot of crime caper novels — see his Dortmunder series as well. He was a pulp writer by trade, so he knows how to keep you reading to see what will happen next, and he makes a lot of amusing observations. Content warning, though — his portrayals of Black characters (and in his earlier works, gay characters) can sometimes be problematic.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I remember laughing aloud at *Bridget Jones’s Diary* and *Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason* (actually read the second one first and like it better). The books use Hugh Grant and Colin Firth for humor a bit, which makes their casting in the film versions very funny. Content warning for some disordered eating/weight obsession.

        Also, though it’s not really my genre, I thought Hunter S. Thompson’s *Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas* was a scream — I’ll bet there’s plenty to content warn there too, but I can’t remember the details. I just remember getting shushed by my then-partner for laughing aloud at the book when he was trying to concentrate.

    18. Retail Not Retail*

      I’m rereading The Magus by John Fowles. I first read it 5 years ago while doing an internship in a tiny rural town (nowhere near as isolated as poor Nicholas) so it stuck with me. I didn’t know what I thought of it after finishing it then but it nagged at me so I eventually bought it. And I’m loving it this time! The prose and story make me feel so decadent and pleasantly discombobulated. I don’t know that I flat out recommend it. It’s 60s postmodern and the protagonist is a self-centered idiot.

      Funny novels? The Shopaholic series, Christopher Moore, and Carl Hiaasen.

    19. Hotdog not dog*

      Just finished Fairy Tale by Stephen King. Mostly I liked it, but there were a couple of things I found either disturbing or distracting from the story.

      1. acmx*

        I read this, too. Now, I am curious as to which parts were disturbing or distracting. Petra falls under disturbing for me; I won’t post the scene.

    20. Falling+Diphthong*

      Funny novels:
      Tepper Isn’t Going Out Today by Calvin Trillin, about parking in New York City. Really, that’s the plot. At least on the surface…
      To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis, her ode to Jerome K Jerome’s Three Men and a Dog. Time traveling Oxford historians try to find a hideously ugly giant vase in the Victorian era, lest their time travel funding go to Cambridge instead. Hijinks ensue.

      1. Falling+Diphthong*

        Ooh! If you have a fondness for P.G. Wodehouse’s Bertie Wooster and Jeeves, the estate approved a couple of sequels by Ben Schott, starts with Jeeves and the King of Clubs. They become spies, seamlessly, and there’s a lovely set of endnotes with trivia about small things from history or the original stories.

        1. slowingaging*

          Wodehouse, Austen, Jerome, they have such dry sarcasm, sometimes what they don’t say. They all make me laugh. Probably time to revisit

      2. noncommittal pseudonym*

        I love Tepper Isn’t Going Out. “Sir, New York City does not actually own any nuclear weapons.”

    21. Falling+Diphthong*

      Reading myself:
      What If 2 by Randall Munroe. Answers unlikely questions about science that it had not occurred to you to ask, like what would happen if the Earth was made only of protons and moon only of electrons. (Bad things.) I am really enjoying this, as I did What If 1.
      Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich, about the history of toxic positivity in the US. Interesting read, though the strongest chapter for me was the first. (“Why breast cancer will be the best thing that ever happened to you if you think positively!”) I quibbled with some details, like I think “Don’t spend the first date talking about how horrible your ex is, or how much you hate your body” is sound advice.

    22. Atheist Nun*

      Do you like absurd humor featuring quirky characters in dark situations? (This includes self harm FYI.) If so, I highly recommend Jen Beagin’s novels. Last week I read–and loved–her new book, Big Swiss, as an advance reading copy (ARC). If you have access to ARCs, you could try it. Otherwise, your public library might have her earlier books, Pretend I’m Dead and Vacuum in the Dark. The second is sort of a “sequel” to the first in that the protagonist is the same, but you do not need to read them in order. I liked Vacuum in the Dark the most.

    25. libkae*

      On the funny side of things, I’m currently making my way through Wodehouse’s Jeeves books, which I’m finding hilarious (though, as a warning, they were written mid-20th century, so there is definitely some casual sexism and casual racism)

      If you like fantasy, some that consistently make me laugh out loud are T. Kingfisher’s White Rat books (several books that take place in the same world but that don’t necessarily have to be read in the same order). A lot of people recommend starting with Clockwork Boys, but my favorite is Paladin’s Grace.

    26. Rara+Avis*

      New book by Laurie R. king: Back to the Garden. Murder mystery that happened in the 70’s but is solved in contemporary times. I’m also rereading The Joy Luck Club because my kid is reading it for 9th grade English. I read it the year it came out as a freshman in college. Always interesting to reread at a different life stage.

    28. Bluebell*

      Just finished Abbi Waxman’s I was told It Would Get Easier and loved it. Tells the story of a mom and daughter on a college tour. Last week I finished Clare Pooley’s Iona Iverson’s Rules for Commuting and really enjoyed it. I’d love to see Emma Thompson make it into a movie and star in it. The main character is a former it girl now in her late 50s who works at a magazine. But much of the action takes place as she commutes to and from work.

    29. GoryDetails*

      Humorous reads:

      DIARY OF A NOBODY by George and Weedon Grossmith, something of the tone of Jerome’s “Three Men in a Boat” – it’s in diary form, with its author a somewhat pompous, well-meaning but often inept suburban fellow, whose domestic trials and tribulations make for some very funny reading.

      HOW TO KEEP DINOSAURS by Robert Mash, in which dinosaurs are treated as if available for purchase as pets, guard-beasts, performing animals, or even as livestock to be used for meat or hides. The book has been revised over the decades and seems to include some reasonably up-to-date information about actual dinosaurs, though a lot of it involves humor along the lines of which dinos are good with children and which ones like to eat them. It’s very droll, and the illustrations – showing scenes such as a family at home in front of the TV while colorful feathered archaeopteryxes squabble over snacks – are delightful.

      This one’s got some humorous bits but for the most part it’s more personal-drama: RANCHO ARMADILLO by Judith Stephens. It’s a collection of stories all centering on a small New Mexico commune located at the titular ranch, with the stories following different characters both in their commune lives and in their pasts. I found it quite fascinating, for the gritty details of what is effectively subsistence-level farm life and for the glimpses into the characters’ counterculture/escapist mentalities.

      And a pirate-themed book, as “Talk Like a Pirate” day is almost upon us {grin}: THE DEMON TIDE by Alfred M. Struthers. It’s from a series about a boy who’s inherited a connection to a mystical bookcase, where specific books literally leap at him to nudge him into solving some mystery – usually involving clearing the name of someone falsely accused in the past. The series is great fun, showing details of the kid-heroes doing research, sometimes getting into dangerous situations, but always showing resourcefulness and cleverness. This one focuses on a lost pirate treasure on the Maine coast, and has lots of flawless local detail.

    30. AMC*

      Highly recommend Anxious People by Fredrik Backman – it is funny and heartbreaking. I laughed and cried a LOT while reading it.
      Side note AAM has been a lifeline lately and just wanted to thank Alison and the community for creating such a lovely corner of the internet.

      1. I take tea*

        Oh, I didn’t realise he was translated into English. I can recommend other books by him too. My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry was interesting, I laughed a lot and then got hit so hard with a twist that I cried instead. It tethers on the brink of fantasy, or it might be imagination, very well done.

    31. Forgotten username*

      I don’t have a funny novel rec, but I do have a funny short story recommendation – Simon Rich has a collection of short stories called “New Teeth” and the first one is hilarious. It’s called The Big Nap and it’s about a gumshoe detective and his client, but the detective is a toddler and the client is his sister who is literally a baby.

    32. Manders*

      I’m currently reading Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. I have a feeling my house is not going to get cleaned today because I’m just enjoying it too much to put down. For a funny book, I enjoyed Lights out in Lincolnwood by Geoff Rodkey.

    33. CharlieBrown*

      I just read Harry Turtledove’s new novel Three Miles Down which is an alternative history sci-fi novel about Project Azorian. (Which was real; you can google it.) It wasn’t necessary funny, but it was quite enjoyable, and it fun to see him cast shade on the previous administration by talking about the Nixon administration. Highly recommended if you like sci-fi or political intrigue.

    34. PastorJen*

      I’m reading Killers of a Certain Age by Deanna Raybourn. It was my Book of the Month Club pick for September. I’ve never read any of Raybourn’s books before, but I am loving this one. It’s interesting and she has a dry wit that I am thoroughly enjoying.

    35. Llama face!*

      I just read a relatively lighthearted book called Legends and Lattes by author Travis Baldree. It’s a twist on fantasy tropes where an orc decides to retire from adventuring/fighting and open a coffee shop. It was a nice story about growing beyond what’s expected and finding family. It includes a F/F romantic subplot which is not instalove (a pet peeve of mine).

    37. Girasol*

      Stumbled over a copy of the graphic novel version of Neil Gaiman’s The Graveyard Book in Libby this week. I had recently listened to the audiobook version and enjoyed having it to talk me through a very tedious chore. The book is wonderful in any form though the audiobook or standard novel would be my first choice. I love Gaiman’s imagination.

    38. GoryDetails*

      Re Alison’s recommendation for David Sedaris’ new book: I adore his work, from the darker or more poignant bits to the top-notch hilarious. But that cover-art with the clown creeps me out so badly that I’m considering waiting for another edition, just so I don’t have to look at that clown! (Several of his previous books have been reissued with wildly different cover-art, so I can hope that this one will be too. But maybe I won’t be able to wait.)

      I will be re-reading his “Santaland Diaries” as the holiday season approaches!

    39. acmx*

      I just finished FAIRY TALE by Stephen King and THE CHANGE that was mentioned last week. Both were great.

      I have Phone Booth at the Edge of the World to read but haven’t really started it.

    40. small town*

      I love Christopher Moore! Lamb is the story of the years of Joshua (Jesus) when he is missing in the bible. It is told by Biff, Joshua’s childhood friend and absolutely hilarious. Another favorite is Fool, as told by the court jester in King Lear. Who could not like a hero from Dog Snogging on Tyne?

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Absolutely agree with that recommendation.
        Sort of in that vein, Rear Admiral Daniel V. Gallery’s fiction.

    42. Roland*

      Had some bad reading luck lately! High ratio of DNF to “enjoyed until the end”. Or really just the one DNF in the past month but I’m very on the fence about the book I’m currently reading so half-counting it.

      I did enjoy Paladin of Souls quite a bit. Looking forward to reading more from that author once I make more of a dent in my current library loans.

      And though I have a million loans and new releases to look forward to and a long TBR… I’ve been thinking a lot about Daddy-Long-Legs of all books recently so I may have to reread it for the umpteenth time after I finish(/abandon) my current read.

    43. PhyllisB*

      I tried posting this yesterday, but something happened to it and I have just now had to time to try again. If you like silly funny, try the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. Just don’t read too many in a row because they get repetitive. Bill Bryson is also good. I loved I’m a Stranger Here Myself.
      It’s already been mentioned, but Lessons in Chemistry is good if you like geek humor. I’ll have to check my read list for more.

  5. thewriterbean*

    How would you go about making a dog feel more comfortable in a new home?

    My grandparents aren’t able to look after their dog anymore, so I’m taking her to live with me. (Ongoing health issues. They’re not happily giving her up, and I know they’ll miss her enormously.) I’m usually the one who looks after her when my grandparents are away, and I’m also the one who took her to puppy school due to the language barrier. I take her to the beach and for walks as well as my grandparents have aged, so it makes the most sense for me to take her.

    However, I’ve moved house, and I also work full time, so I’m a bit concerned it’s going to be a massive adjustment for her. I have time off coming up and I’ll be taking her then to kind of ease her into it, but as she’s always been a bit of an anxious critter, I’d love to make the transition a bit easier for her.

    Any suggestions on how you’ve done this? I don’t have dogs living here already, but there are other dogs quite nearby. We have a large yard and it’s very dog friendly, plus she can see into the house when she’s pottering around outside (she’s usually pretty reluctant to be indoors unless it’s sleep time).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Bring familiarity with her – favorite pillows, blankets, toys. Be prepared for some misbehaving, hopefully minor – stressed dogs show it in strange ways sometimes. Is she crate trained or otherwise experienced at being left alone in the house for a while, or will that be completely new?

      2. thewriterbean*

        She’s very used to being left alone — never a barker, and while she’s not used to a crate as such, she loves curling up her kennel and chilling.

        I was just speaking about it with my partner and our closest neighbour, and our neighbour has offered to check up on her over the fence during the day while she’s getting used to us not being here. However, one thing I just remembered was my grandparents constantly have the radio on, so she’s used to that noise. (I mean constantly. Even when they leave the house.) Would it be worth leaving a radio on for her while she adjusts?

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh, absolutely! My Elder Statesdog Gone Beyond spent six weeks with my parents at age four and came home hooked on MASH, like for the rest of her life if she heard Alan Alda she came running into the living room to plop down and hang out. It was the wackiest thing. But yeah, if she’s used to the background noise, that’s an easy thing you can do to be consistent for her.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Definitely leave a radio on. Maybe find a station with soothing music. I am a big fan of using a radio for helping a dog settle. I have turned on a radio for a couple of my dogs over the years.

        4. eeeek*

          Having music on helps our anxious dog – and there are playlists on Spotify and QBoz and other servers that are engineered to calm dogs and mask unfamiliar outside noises. We don’t use a channel that includes talking/commercials/etc., because our doggo gets freaked out if she hears a stranger in the house.
          We listen to a lot of soothing spa music!

      3. thewriterbean*

        Also, THANK YOU! This came so suddenly and I’m so grateful that the AAM commentators know about this — I’ve only ever raised dogs from puppies, so rehoming is a new one for me.

    2. Bibliovore*

      I hope I can be of help.
      Its great that you can be around but also see if you can deputize someone to be her “godmother”
      If she is used to other dogs, start small to form a pack for her. Arrange short puppy play dates in the yard. She should be in the yard with you and the other dog gets introduced.
      If she has been used to having someone home all day, practice not being there and coming back so she knows that she isn’t being abandoned.
      Continue her training to wear her out mentally and physically.
      She may have behavior issues. You might want to consult a behaviorist.

      1. thewriterbean*

        Thank you so much for this! With the godmother suggestion, would you think having my mum or a neighbour pop in to check on her an okay suggestion? She’s very familiar with my mum, and one suggestion was that she live with her as she’s retired — Mum just doesn’t really want any pets now all the kids have left home.
        She’s become fairly lazy for her breed, but my partner is super into fitness so he’s looking forward to going on walks (and eventually running) with us both!
        She always loved training so I’ll definitely keep on that; I’ll also suss out some behaviourists. Thanks again!

    3. Frankie Bergstein*

      I’ve adopted two older, rescue dogs. Time has helped so much! They started to trust me over time, and I got to know them better and could anticipate their anxiety triggers. Giving them time to adjust is really the only advice I have. Good luck! You already a familiar person to this pup, so you’re starting out way ahead of me — and my dogs are doing beautifully.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      Best Good Dog was about 7 when we adopted him, and hadn’t been kept as a pet prior to living with us. The trainer we worked with recommended taking him for a nice long walk every day, to help him work off his nervous energy and learn to trust us and communicate with us better. Six years later, he’s about 90% adjusted, and the time spent on the daily walks is probably responsible for most of that. (not to mention that the walks are also good for the mostly sedentary humans in our house!)

    5. Rainer Maria von Trapp*

      We had a very anxious dog we adopted from a shelter. There was a plug-in that we got from a nearby pet store that really helped! My husband and I couldn’t smell anything, but whatever it was helped her settle a ton.

    6. Rainer Maria von Trapp*

      Also — I know this seems a little weird — but when you approach the dog, do it with you facing 90 degrees away (almost like a crab walk). Hold your hand out, palm down, while facing her from the side. When she sniffs/seems okay, then you can crouch down, still facing to the side. Then slowly turn to face her. After a while you won’t have to do it this way, but it’s a much less threatening way for dogs to be approached.

      Also, the show “It’s Me or the Dog” — you can find clips online now, or get her book — is wonderful. Her approach to working with dogs, and in particular anxious pups, is so beautiful and makes so much sense and difference.

    7. thewriterbean*

      Just an update — it ended up happening quite suddenly yesterday. One grandparent had a fall, so it became a pretty quick move. Doggo is currently in my back yard chewing her Kong. She apparently watched a TV show with my partner last night and absolutely loved it, because she’s smitten with him.

      She’s adjusting pretty well so far and I’m pleased. I’m working from home today, so I have to quickly run out to work to grab my laptop which will maybe give her a bit more of a sense that I’ll come back when I leave. crossing fingers! Thank you for all your help.

  6. WoodswomanWrites, wondering about offering Airbnb experiences*

    (Alison, I’m not thinking of this as “work,” but if you think it’s better to post in the Friday work thread, I can do that instead.)

    Has anyone here offered to lead Airbnb experiences? I’m considering offering something that could be fun. Also, I’m looking to take the trip of a lifetime next year that’s expensive, and it got me thinking about a way to raise money for it. In scouting around my region, it appears I could offer something that isn’t already out there that might interest people. I’d love to hear how it’s gone if you’ve done this.

    (Alison, I’m not thinking of this as “work,” but if you think it’s better to post in the Friday work thread, I can do that instead.)

    1. StudentA*

      First check if running an AirBnB is allowed in your HOA, community, city or town, etc. My community prohibits these types of rentals. Yet I’ve seen a few people try to get away with it.

      This is from the AirBnB website:
      In many cities, you must register, get a permit, or obtain a license before you list your property or accept guests. Certain types of short-term bookings may be prohibited altogether. Local governments vary greatly in how they enforce these laws. Penalties may include fines or other enforcement.

      Also seeing others run an AirBnB has opened up my eyes. To really do well, you’re supposed to be an actual invisible host. Leave them wine or chocolate, have pamphlets about the area, etc. So it’s a lot of work. At least that’s the experience I’ve seen these hosts have.

    3. In-Home Host*

      Following – I am also interested in doing this. We have an in-home Airbnb but would like to add something in Experiences. Perhaps switch this to the “work” thread because there are tax and insurance implications with offering Experiences that can be commented on as well.

    4. Anono-me*

      I just want to encourage you, because some weekend when you share a happy
      outdoors experience, I think “Oh that sounds so fun and interesting, I wish she were my friend to do things with.”

  7. anonymous shy person*

    Anyone have any dating tips for the shy and skittish? (I am a 30 something woman who mostly dates men, for the record.)

    I hide it well, but strangers make me nervous. I am a little shy anyway, which makes it hard for me when a lot of people are paying me attention, and I was stalked by someone I briefly dated many years ago, which has been leaving me afraid of giving it another go. I guess I could say that I want to want to try again. I am planning on going back to therapy, but if anyone has any complementary practical ideas for ways of dipping a toe back into dating, or of learning how online dating works now (I am clueless), I’d be grateful! One thing that clearly scares me off is starting a profile and getting a whole bunch of messages from different strangers. I just find that overwhelming. I would love to find one quiet (or introvert-friendly) person at a time, though, with a gap between them to recover. Thanks lovely AAM readers!

    1. CheerfulGinger*

      I can speak to online dating. I met my husband through Match and my beast friend met her husband through Tinder. It does feel daunting at the beginning, but you can do it! my best advice is to try and find a “online dating buddy”, ideally someone who is already a friend and is dating. You can have your buddy proofread your profile and help you pick pictures. The best profiles have two components – 1st are very clear about what you are looking for and 2nd give an honest impression of who you are. The more interesting details the better Bland! Bland profiles cast too wide of a net and leave you to sort through people that are not good fits instead of having your profile help prospective dates self- select in or out. Don’t spend too much time messaging back and forth with someone before suggesting to meet up in-person. I would say 3 to 5 messages tops before deciding if you are interested in meeting up. I recommend coffee as a first meet up. Low price point, can do basically any time of day, public space, and could be 30 mins to however long you want. If lots of messages is overwhelming, try Coffee Meets Bagel. You are only presented with a handful of matches per day. Good luck!

    2. TeaFiend*

      I’ve heard Bumble (dating app) only allows women to message first, so you may still get a lot of interest but wouldn’t have to worry about replying. Another thing you could try is making a few ‘matches’ on whatever app you choose, then disabling your profile from view so you can focus on just getting to know 1-2 people at a time.

      I’d also probably mention you’re an introvert in your profile, so fellow introverts can find you and insensitive extroverts can leave you alone.

    3. Elspeth+McGillicuddy*

      So a lot of the dating apps nowadays require both parties to be interested before you’re allowed to contact each other. You’re basically shown a serious of dudes profiles and asked if you are interested or not, while the dudes are are shown a serious of women and asked if they are interested. With two yeses, you are a match and can then message each other. And Bumble requires the woman to message first, which is nerve wracking to do but offers a lot of control.

      When I started getting into internet dating (I still haven’t done much so do NOT take me as an expert), I did a fair bit of browsing on Reddit, which was of course full of people’s bad experiences. They were weirdly reassuring. Yes, they were bad, but they weren’t THAT bad, and they were still unusual enough for somebody to tell the story on the internet.

      Also, the internet has lots of advice on how not to look nervous. I like Charisma On Command from youtube, though the videos definitely tend to get repetitive. Two tips I’ve found particularly helpful:
      * Fill space. Shy folks, or at least me, tend to tuck themselves away tidily in as small a space as possible. You want to spread out, put your arm on the armrest, basically just untuck yourself. It will make you look less shy and feel less shy. (also good for job interviews)
      * Laugh when something’s funny. Not like a fake laugh to make a stupid man think he’s amusing you when he’s not, but when something is genuinely funny, actually laugh instead of giggling or doing a shy grin. In general, don’t be afraid to display positive reactions. You don’t even need to amp them up, simply stop damping them down.

      1. Bubba*

        I met my husand through online dating but, my experience in this area may be out of date (sorry bad pun) because I’ve been married for 10+ years.

        Keping in mind your dating syle, I would suggest starting with one of the traditional dating websites like match.com or e harmony over the newer apps like tinder. Honestly though, this is just based on hearsay as I haven’t used an app based service myself (gee, now I feel old). These websites may be less popular but, that could be an upside in your case if you don’t want to be bombarded by a ton of matches.

        Some benefits to match.com (at least at the time I was using it) as they relate to your post:

        1) When an interested party views your profile they send you a “like” at which point you can review their profile and opt in or out of recieving further messages. So you aren’t just getting a ton of mesaages off the bat.

        2) You can exchange longer more thoughful emails on this platform. I get the idea the newer apps are mostly just txt messaging but, I’m not 100% sure.

        3) You can pause the service at any time which means your membership won’t be canceled but, your profile won’t be seen until you make it visible again. That way if you meet someone and want to focus on them for a while, you won’t keep getting so-in-so liked your profile notices from anyone else.

        4) Your contact info is private assume this is the same for the matches don’t get your full name or personal email address or phone #, all communications are through the site.

        I’m guessing many of the popular apps have some or all of the same features. I just get the feeling from talking with friends that tinder especially is a little more fast paced and may not fit your style but, I could be wrong!

        In general I found online dating to be a great tool because it allowed you to get to know a little about someone before meeting them in person. By the time of my first date with Mr. Bubba, he was more of an acquaintance than a total stranger. I was a hesitant dater at the time too and this aspect of online dating helped put me at ease.

        Hope this helps and wishing you all the best luck!

        Ps. Please excuse all typos, I’m going on day 3 of insomnia and just took a sleeping pill. I hope my writting here at least makes sense :)

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I think this is great wording here and you should be really upfront with what you want; you can screen out a whole bunch of people who want fellow extroverts and really laser in on a good match. Women do get a whole bunch of messages (most are clearly spammy of the “haven’t read my profile, block and delete” ones) on most websites so maybe look into some where that’s not a feature. So, as far as your physical safety it’s also very possible to put some safeguards in place for meeting people if you’re afraid history will repeat itself. One trick is to have a temporary number for dating (Google Voice used to let you do this quite easily). I used to meet people in very public places (with a back door! that’s my dad’s trick). My girlfriends and I always told people where we were going and who with, and when we’d be back. Short coffee dates only; I would have found anything longer or more full on too much for a first meeting. Don’t give out your workplace/ last name/address until you’re ready. Be very aware of those dudes who won’t take no for an answer and want a different kind of date, or to run the show. Just block them and move on. For me? It was fine! I actually felt so safe on one date that I wanted to extend it and go somewhere else with him (Like Elspeth notes below we had both chosen and matched each other before messaging. However this was on a free for all website with “overwhelming” messages and the matching was a new game-type feature). We’re getting married soon.

      1. Jackalope*

        Underlining a part of this statement: going out with someone you don’t know is always going to be a bit awkward if you’re shy and introverted. But if you’re a good match, then by date two or three there should be something about it that feels comfortable or safe or whatever is your green flag feeling. I knew things were going well with my now husband when on our second date we ended up hanging out for 7 hours. Not doing anything physical (was NOT ready for that so soon!), but just enjoying each other’s company. We met up, and then all of a sudden it was 7 hours later, and where had the time gone? We can still just hang out for a long time and enjoy ourselves like that because it’s comfortable and easy.

    5. Jackalope*

      I just posted a comment with a link so that will take awhile to come out, but here are some of my thoughts on what helped me (another shy, nervous introvert who was afraid of online dating):

      For one thing, for your main profile pic, I would recommend using a professional picture rather than, say, a random selfie. I want to underline that you don’t want to get something like a glamour shot that makes you look like something you’re not, but something that is the best version of you and the way you like to see yourself. (I read a study a few years ago that said that people with professional pictures get more responses to their profiles, and when I tried it I found that at least in my experience that was true.) If you post other pictures of yourself, don’t post a picture that’s just you and one dude unless you clearly label it (“Here’s me with my brother on a hike”, for example). I tended to post just pictures of myself anyway since I didn’t want to put up pictures of my friends and family in a dating site without their consent, but don’t post something that makes it look like you’re already dating.

      I decided that I didn’t want to respond to the “Hey, beautiful!” types of comments, so in my profile I specified that if someone messaged me and didn’t ask at least one question for a conversation, I would ignore their message. I then stuck to that, which meant that every time I chatted with someone (which could be just a few back and forth messages or could go on longer), we at least always had something to talk about.

      Also, you talk about the idea of a lot of new people contacting you seeking overwhelming. One suggestion that worked for me was to devote X amount of time per week to the online dating process. An hour per week, two hours per week, whatever. I would gladly do more if I was in the mood for it, but that gave me bite-sized chunks after which I could say that I’d done my due diligence and I was going to go do something else that did NOT involve new people.

      I also found it helpful to come up with a handful of things that I wanted to do with people. I didn’t want to spoil my favorite places with possible bad memories of icky first dates. So I made a list of places in my city/region that I hadn’t been to before and used those as possible date options. I tried new coffee shops for first dates, went to a local museum I’d never gone to before, took a short hike at a local state park that I’d always meant to visit but had never gotten around to… Obviously you’d have to pick stuff that works for you, but the idea was that it gave me the chance to try new stuff that I was interested in anyway. Since I’m shy and have a hard time making small talk, I tried to mostly go for stuff where we could talk or we could Do the Thing instead and just hang out if needed. That made dating fun, and gave me a chance to do stuff I hadn’t done before.

      1. lissajous*

        Hard agree on the on the “hey beautiful” thing, and I accidentally ended up with an additional proxy for that. One, and only one, of my photos is Ye Typical Scrub Up Well For An Wedding, all the rest are me doing various things that I like doing. (Look over here, lots of conversational prompts!)
        If it’s the all-scrubbed-up-well photo someone likes, that’s a skip and go on to the next.

    6. Jessica*

      Slightly vulnerable confession here, but with dating apps, I’ve found you get a whole bunch of messages when you first join (because you’re featured as a “new” member) and then the messages taper off. So maybe you could start a profile, not log in for a couple of weeks, and then have a friend sit with you while you go through the messages and pick just one or two to reply to?

    7. anonymous shy person*

      Thanks everybody – I’m feeling so much better reading all these kind and helpful thoughts. Hoping to be able to return and report on some success even if that’s in the form of “actually went on a date.”

    8. smeep248*

      this was hard for me as a shy people pleaser but after 4 years on Tinder and accidentally meeting the love of my life – remember you don’t “owe” anyone anything. If they set off your spidey senses, unmatch them. If you’re not feeling them, bounce. If they creep you out, block them. You don’t have to be nice to strangers you’ll never meet in this scenario. For men on dating sites, it is a numbers game and they are going to act accordingly. As a woman, you will have more options than you can shake a stick at. Weed through them thoughtfully, be picky, be selective. You don’t have to make nice or talk to everyone that reaches out. Also, I made a lot of friends this way, too. So my advice is be willing to meet people and maybe click with some people, and feel free to opt out of anyone at any time!

  8. HannahS*

    Sigh, I am entering the world of having to have serious talks of the “Actually this is alarming and you need to see a doctor” variety with older family members. Can anyone offer advice? The relative in question is stubborn, listens selectively, is overconfident in their internet literacy, and I love them very much.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Would a “you’re right, it’s probably fine, but get it checked for me so I don’t worry” strategy work?

      2. Ali + Nino*

        I just said this to my dad! I visited recently and noticed he was asking me to repeat things more often than I remembered, so I asked if he had thought of seeing an audiologist. “There’s nothing wrong, my hearing is very good!” “OK, so then the audiologist will confirm that!”

    2. Joie De Vivre*

      Before my mom passed away, there were times I’d call her Drs office and talk to the nurse. She’d ask a lot of questions about what I’d observed. Quite often the doctor’s office would call my mom to schedule an appointment.

      It seemed to work pretty well. She didn’t know I’d called her doctor, but they could get her to come in for an appointment when I couldn’t talk her into it.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, my late dad would get REALLY angry about my telling his doctors relevant stuff. I wound up doing it behind his back, just to make sure his docs had the info they needed about what was going on, though I hated that it had to be that way. I’m less controlling now, so I don’t know if I’d make the same choice again. But maybe I would — I didn’t want to feel like I had left helpful things undone. My dad did have a valid point, though, that the more involved I was, the less doctors treated him like he was capable of understanding/participating in his own medical care, which really upset him.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          It’s kinda a no-win situation. However, if someone isn’t seeking out medical care when they need to, then there’s an argument to be made that they’re not competent to start with. Overall, aging isn’t for the faint of heart.

          1. Irish Teacher*

            To be fair, I know a number of otherwise very competent people of all ages who react like this (I know somebody who had nurses asking their partner to try and get them to agree to take painkillers while in hospital, because they were pointblank refusing – this was an educated professional in their 30s, who has no impairments that I know of) and most people wouldn’t assume a 40 year old who didn’t seem out medical care when needed was incompetent.

            Not saying Squirrel Nutkin was wrong to give the correct info. It is a tricky one. Just that people do sometimes apply different logic with older people and assume they are less competent than a younger person who is doing the same thing.

    3. fposte*

      This is complicated by the fact that you’re a doctor yourself, right? But are a granddaughter/whippersnapper/whatever. Can you invoke an authority of a senior doctor from med school or elsewhere? “Oh, Dr. Famous said it’s very important for patients to get seen early if they have an alien emerging from their chest.”

      1. HannahS*

        I think it compounds my frustration, because my relative is so ridiculously proud of me, but, you know, they read a thing on the internet, so…. (INWARD SCREAMING.)

        As I’m reading the answers, I’m thinking that I probably have let go of dispelling their health misconceptions (which personally drive me NUTS) and just focus on getting them in front of a doctor (and get them to tell the doctor the truth which is own thing, sigh.)

        1. fposte*

          I don’t know the Canadian rules, but in the U.S. you could give information to the doctor about your relative; the doctor just can’t give you information back about the patient. A lot of people with loved ones with dementia, for instance, submit a statement in advance of the appointment so that the doctor hears about issues that the caretaker can’t report on in front of the loved one.

          Probably overkill if we’re talking, like, eczema, but I just thought I’d throw that possibility in there.

          1. ConsentIsKey*

            You can only do this with the patient’s permission. Otherwise they’re not even supposed to acknowledge that so-and-so is their patient

            1. Jay*

              If your family member tells you who their doctor is you can absolutely call or send a note with info. They can’t give information but they can receive it (US MD who once got a very valuable piece of info about a patient from her granddaughter via FB messenger)

        2. Princess Xena*

          No advice but sympathy – I have family members who have a very hard time figuring out the good from the dross online and having conversations with them is super frustrating. It’s not things like conspiracy theories and Qanon fortunately, but health & beauty, fashion, and electronics and it drives me bonkers.

        3. Observer*

          As I’m reading the answers, I’m thinking that I probably have let go of dispelling their health misconceptions (which personally drive me NUTS) and just focus on getting them in front of a doctor (and get them to tell the doctor the truth which is own thing, sigh.)

          Yes. And it’s NOT going to be easy, based on what you are saying. But it’s definitely more in the realm of possible.

    4. Invisible fish*

      I have no advice, but for the love of heaven, if you figure out how to do this, share. My parents don’t have good doctors who are trained in helping geriatric patients, and my mother keeps going to the same horrible GP for everything!! My attempts at getting them to think more deeply about issues and pursue care to live their best lives is so terribly draining. I’m well over 5 years into this situation with both parents, and my phone conversation with my mother last night basically ended with “And your GP is a ******* quack!! He’s useless!! You’ve got to see a specialist for that! I just can’t handle talking about this anymore! I love you, good night!”

      FYI: That GP told her not to get vaccinated for COVID because he had learned “they” didn’t want the public knowing how many people had died from it ….

      1. Anon for this reply*

        I was in the same position last year with my parents. Family has been begging them for years to switch drs. After mulitple ER visits/hospitalizations in 5 months, I was stressed to the max and I gave them an ultimatum, switch to geriatric practice or I’d do the one thing in the world that I know they don’t want me to do. (I didn’t want to do it, but they know if I say I’m going to do something, it will be done.) I also cried and said that they were making me sick with stress. Which was true. I’m lucky they switched, things aren’t perfect, but it made a huge difference. I don’t recommend ultimatums, and didn’t plan to give it, but the stress broke me and it just all came pouring out.

        Good luck!
        PS. For a minute I thought they had the same GP as your parents. I used to wish he’d retire or drop dead.

        1. Star Struck*

          I’m sorry. There are some horrid docs out there. By any chance if you know anyone who is a nurse, ask them who they recommend, or who they see. Nurses know everything !
          (BTW, don’t ask if Dr. Soandso is any good – just ask them who they would see.)

    5. Girasol*

      You might contact their doctor for advice and also ask at your/their local hospital if there’s a social worker you could talk to about the situation. They may be able to provide some alternate possibilities that you hadn’t considered. Doing that really helped me. Stubborn relative is gone now, but when I wonder, did I do the right things? At least I can be confident that I acted on the best professional advice I could find. It helps a lot to know that.

    6. PersistenceWithoutPressure*

      in my case, it took repetition. carefully applied, choosing my moments, short reminders of the “I still think you should tell Dr X foo” or “I’m still noticing Y and think you should mention it to Dr Z at your next appt” then letting it drop until the next time I felt compelled to bring it up. I definitely had more success with “mention it at your next appt with X” (eventually) than something more urgent or requiring new appts.

    7. Jay*

      I’m also a doc and went through this with my parents. My dad was a doc so I was never the medical expert on anything in my own family (which was fine when it kept them from calling me for advice). I’m a palliative care/hospice doc so I have a lot of experience with guiding people through these sorts of decisions, and I teach and coach communication skills on the side. Didn’t matter. I had to accept that they were competent adults who were going to make their own (misguided) decisions and I was not going to be able to change that. My tack with the disturbing symptom thing was to become a broken record. Every time it was mentioned I said, calmly and cheerfully, “I think you should see your doctor about that.” I offered *once* to make the appointment and go with, and that was very firmly rejected. And then I let it go.

      My parents both had mobility issues and they stayed in their four-story completely inaccessible house. They never left. My brother and I talked to Dad about it and he shut us down, and then after Dad died we talk to Mom about it and she wasn’t going anywhere either. So that was that.

      1. Generic+Name*

        If you don’t mind me asking, how did that play out? The living in an inaccessible house until The End? My parents are in their 70s and are still quite mobile, but my mom recently confessed to me that she can’t lift her leg high enough to get in the bathtub, so she showers in the guest bathroom. And her plan is to stay in the house and have round the clock nursing care and put in a chair lift to handle the two flights of stairs. Neither my sibling nor I are local, so I suppose she assumes she will be driving herself to appointments indefinitely. She is a competent adult so I just said “okay” when she told me all this, but I find her plan a bit….. unrealistic? Fortunately, my parents have plenty of money, so that’s not the issue. Ugh.

        1. Generic+Name*

          To add, my mom’s mother stayed in her house to the very end, and it was only possible because my mother and her sister, who both lived within a few miles of my grandmother, went to Heroic Lengths to make it happen. So I’m not sure if my mom is forgetting all of the family help it took, or if she assumes one or both of her children will return home (after having established lives in other states for decades) to help, or if they will find reliable paid professionals for everything.

        2. Jay*

          My mother went to Heroic Lengths to take care of my dad and installed stair lifts and grab bars. Their bathroom had an accessible shower, so that helped a lot. Mom’s mobility was a bit better than Dad’s and she did OK for a few years after he died. Having money helps. She already had someone coming in to clean weekly and she started doing the grocery shopping on the same day so the cleaner would carry the bags up the stairs, and she had the gardener put the garbage cans at the end of the (steep) driveway and one of the neighbors brought them up for her.

          Mom developed dementia and we hired around-the-clock care about four years before she died. By that time she also needed to use the stair lifts and the aides helped her in and out of the shower. We gradually added more equipment – a lift chair, a raised toilet seat, and a transfer wheelchair. Eventually we got a hospital bed and a bedside commode.

          Because I have a lot of experience with this, I went through the house after Dad died and made some changes to reduce her fall risk. I made sure the lights were bright enough, got rid of all the rugs that weren’t nailed down, and had my husband secure some of the transition strips that were coming loose. It’s worth having an occupational therapist come out and do a home safety evaluation – they are very good at spotting risks and helping mitigate them. And otherwise my main project was managing my own emotions.

  9. Frankie Bergstein*

    I’m so curious about something – what does community look like for you all? Who or what do you consider your community, if you have one?

    My social life looks like this:
    -confidantes/closest: partner, Mom, best friend of 25 years, another close friend, two local friends I see weekly and monthly (the latter is a Mom), a cousin.
    -good friends: many friends I see occasionally for coffee or meals who live near me. I’d invite them to a cookout or hike or coffee or brunch but not necessarily call them for support at 2am. Some family fits here too.
    -acquaintances: colleagues whom I like, members of my running and book club, and some friends whom I don’t really like (I know that’s not great), fellow dog walkers in my area
    -abstract or virtual connections that I really value: you all, folks in my mutual aid group, folks doing things like postcards to voters or working on other causes close to my heart

    When I write it out, this feels like a pretty good life – especially as I’ve recently exited a couple of unhealthy relationships – but I don’t feel a sense of community. These connections are often one-to-one or family-to-family vs. part of a larger web.

    What about you all? What does your social life /community look like? And are you happy with it or does it feel like something is missing?

    For reference – hubby and I live a few states away from parents, have kind of complex families, come from immigrant families, and have lots of really loving rescue pets that live with us :)

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Husband and cats; that’s about it. My coworkers are great but most of them are a good twenty years younger than me, so we are definitely at different stages of socializing! I work weird hours so I just don’t have friends–it’s simply too hard to get together.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I think about this type of thing a lot. I think recently I’ve been feeling a little more sense of community or I guess hope for future community? My husband and I lived far from our families for around a decade, starting during that “oh I’m not in school for the first time in my life, how do adults make friends???” period after college, so I’ve felt really isolated. I still have no local friends and few “distant but staying in touch” friends, but we live near family again and it was so encouraging when I got a job and had to cobble together some last minute childcare that everyone stepped up and made me feel really loved and supported when I was feeling like a burden. We moved into a neighborhood where all the neighbors are SO nice and there are always kids playing outside and that’s really lovely even though I’m still an awkward newcomer. My job is a place with a strong emphasis on relationship building (not in a dysfunctional “we’re family” way) so I feel hopeful there too.

      I definitely think there’s a difference between social life and community, with community being more about fulfilling needs rather than just spending time together.

    3. Filosofickle*

      I have great people, but most do not live local to me so I have lots of love but not much of a social life. The center of my community is mom, who lives nearby, plus a handful of very old friends and a brother who would move heaven and earth for me, but live long-distance. I do have local-ish friends that I see occasionally, and it’s probably on me if I don’t see them more. (I want to do more with people but have conditions that limit my capacity.) Social media is important to keeping me feeling connected to my extended community. My neighbors are really friendly and helpful, I enjoy knowing the people on my block.

      What’s most missing is a partner — I’m really feeling that lack.

    4. Not+A+Manager*

      For me, I’ve realized that community means more than important people that I love. It means familiarity, bumping into people in different contexts and walks of life. I’ve recently moved back to the city I spent most of my adult life in. I like going to synagogue and seeing the same faces even if I don’t know people’s names, or being at a new store except I recognize an employee who used to be at my old store. I was in an entertainment venue the other night and someone called my name, and he used to work at my old hair salon.

      I’m in a major, world-class city, but I love this sense of general familiarity. If I need a referral to a doctor or a tradesman, I can ask friends, sure – but if they don’t know, they ask their friends and then I get this odd chain of community that leads me to whatever I’m looking for.

      This stuff matters to me a lot, as well as the more predictable friends-and-family.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        “It means familiarity, bumping into people in different contexts and walks of life.”
        “I’m in a major, world-class city, but I love this sense of general familiarity.”

        I love your definitions of community! I think you said what I was trying to say, but far more clearly.

      2. Frankie Bergstein*

        I love this as well! I get a teeny bit of this with a coffee shop where they all know your name and basic contours of your life. It feels amazing; I go for this.

        What a great definition! I can see ongoing, local, in-person groups as something that fosters this type of connection.

      3. Stay-at-Homesteader*

        Yes, the bumping-into people! I became a SAHM a few months before the pandemic hit and if it weren’t for my (smallish city but fairly urban) neighborhood, I don’t know how I would have stayed sane. Even when we were only yelling “hi” across the street, seeing people out walking with their dogs, kids, and chickens on a regular basis. Eventually this evolved into more conversations on the same side of the street, but I still don’t know most of these people’s last names. They are still extreme important to me and we help each other in all kinds of ways – for example, my son pitched a huge tantrum while I was out walking with him, the dog, and the baby. I had to abandon his new bike so I could carry him while also pushing the stroller. Unbeknownst to me, one neighbor happened to see this and the bike was waiting on our porch before we even made it back! It was probably a small thing for him but it made a huge difference in my evening because I didn’t have to go back for the bike with a tantruming kid or risk it getting stolen. Familiarity makes those kind of deeds possible and gives me that sense of community, safety, and care. My husband wants to move to the country but I told him we’re not doing it until I’m back at work because the proximity to others has been a lifeline.

        Random other observation: one thing I love about the community is that, unlike my friend group, it’s a huge mixture of people of all ages, stages of life, and backgrounds. I don’t know where else I would get that and it’s delightful. I also really value it for my boys, who get to see people different from us and living in different circumstances and get to know them as individuals.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Interesting question! For me, community lies in two different activities: my ongoing conversations with chosen friends and relatives, and my observation of and participation in life-cycle events that befall extended family, longstanding family friends, and members of congregations in various places that I’ve lived. I’m not on intimate terms with everyone in my current congregation, but we have logged sufficient years together that I feel connected.

      I stay connected with “more deliberately chosen people” usually but not always. Sometimes we grew apart in outlook or geography. Other times one or both of us decided not to stay connected.

      I’ve always had both single and partnered friends and maintained connections with people independent of my much more shy spouse. When my spouse was alive I regretted that we did not have many “couple” friendships. Now widowed, I am grateful that my friendships include people with many diverse household formations (singles; couples living variously alone, partnered-but-apart, and together, perhaps also with parents or children or grandchildren…). So far I have not experienced the so-called typical transition by which still-coupled folks reclassify a newly widowed friend from “dinner companion with both of us” to “lunchtime companion with only the same-gendered spouse.” Dunno what this says about me except that I enjoy social contact with all kinds of people, not only those with demographics identical to mine.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      After reading the comments of Not+A+Manager and Dark Macadamia, I want to add one more element to my definition of community: a sense of mutual responsibility for everyone’s well-being. This doesn’t mean that everyone would or should do anything for anyone; rather, that there’s a general sense of shared collective obligation to be helpful when necessary, and otherwise to live without causing major distress most of the time, (not having loud parties that go on all night, or dumping trash on the sidewalk, or not paying one’s taxes, or talking loudly during a public event/concert/poetry reading/religious service when the usual expectation is for folks to listen quietly and maybe speak a few predicted words at predicted times).

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah this. To me community is distinct from friendship/family and comes largely from service. Voting in local elections, supporting block parties, attending trash clean ups, protests, and volunteering are the ways to build a sense of community.

    7. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Interesting question. My closest connections are my husband and grown son for inner circle daily contact and emotional support. Next circle out, people I could call in emergencies or for major help, would be some of my husband’s siblings and their spouses. Next circle, I guess for emotional needs/wants, some of my friends I haven’t seen in a long time but we’re still in frequent touch, the rest of the in-law siblings and some of their adult offspring, and a couple of online friends I’ve never met, but I have very personal things in common with them. Last circle is my sister and her grown kids – she and I don’t get along and the kids are nice but unreliable.

    8. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Ooh, what a good question.

      I’m pretty introverted, but here’s what I consider my emotional support system (socially– I also have a therapist & attend a monthly support group for adoptees):

      1 long-term partner that I don’t live with
      1 aunt that I am very close to and meet for coffee every few weeks
      About 3-4 really close BFFs that live in my city who I try to see at least once a month (but because, you know, life, sometimes it goes much longer– we’ll generally text in between f2f hangouts, tho)
      About 3-4 really close BFFs who now live far away. We text occasionally, especially in times of emotional highs/lows & meet up whenever we can (often a year or more goes by) but the bond of “we can talk about anything” is still strong
      A weekly knitting group that I’ve been attending for about 8 years now, but generally don’t see the other attendees outside of that– conversation is mostly light but people definitely will bring up personal struggles when they need a little support (family illness; job worries).

      I also live in a small-town-feeling neighborhood, and I know/am known (at least well enough to wave & say hi) by a lot of people in the area because of the jobs I’ve worked (local food co-op, local library, etc), so that makes me feel like part of the community, too.

      The areas I feel like I’m missing out on are:

      -family: I’m estranged from my immediate family members, and things are tense with most of my extended family; I’ve been on the hunt for bio-family to reconnect with, but it’s a slow, difficult process, and doesn’t always end happily

      -music: I used to sing in various choirs/small groups but haven’t for years (in part because covid, but even before that I just didn’t have the time/energy) and I miss it so much

      -activist community: especially during 2020, there were lots of protests in my area, and I was the only one I knew in my close circle who was going to them regularly, which felt both lonely and less safe. I regularly sign up for voting reg/campaign stuff, but the people I’m meeting that way are often of the older, whiter, more hetero variety, who, don’t get me wrong, are perfectly nice, but I’m all full up already– I’m craving community with other queer millenial POCs who are engaged in trying to make change, and I’m way too shy to try and make friends actually AT a protest, so I’ve been feeling a little stuck.

      1. Frankie Bergstein*

        I relate so much to the parts that are missing, especially activist community and the way estranged family seems to hang over me like a cloud. I also had a recent friendship breakup that still aches.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          Oh man, my heart goes out to you. A friend breakup is so painful but also so impossible to find a good, cathartic breakup song for.

    9. allathian*

      Good question!

      – Closest: My nuclear family, i.e. my husband and son, although naturally I don’t burden my son with confidences he’s too young to deal with. My best friend for whom I’d move heaven and earth and who’d do the same for me, even if we rarely talk more often than about once a month, but when we do, our phone calls can last for two hours.

      – In the next tier I’d put my mom and sister, who are closer to me than my other friends. I phone my mom once a week and usually text my sister a few times a week.

      – In my good friends category I have a handful of good friends, and I’d also include my MIL, her husband, my SIL, and my dad. We’re fairly close, but don’t talk about personal issues much. Sometimes I’ll mention a health issue to my SIL, but that’s because she’s a former nurse. She’s the first one to tell me to call the doctor if I’m putting it off for any reason. My dad is more distant mainly because I’ve only seen him twice since March 2020. He’s been getting more and more reclusive, and doesn’t generally want to talk to anyone other than my mom. I’m sorry it’s happening, but there’s not much I can do about it. In this category I also count a few online-only friends, I’ve known some of them for more than 20 years.

      -Acquaintances: my coworkers, my hairdresser of 7+ years, my beautician of 10+ years, and my neighbors. Both getting your hair done and your facial hair removed are fairly intimate services, I count my providers as acquaintances because they’ve also shared some things about their lives with me, as I’ve shared some things about my life with them. We’re lucky to live in a community with great neighbors, I know most of them by name and greet all of them when I see them in the street. I’d also put my FIL in this category, because I never got to know him very well, and now it’s too late, he’s in a care home with dementia.

      – I also have a number of abstract or virtual connections that I value, both here and in a number of fandom communities.

      I live in the same city as my parents, my sister, and my MIL and her husband. Most of my friends also live quite close, no more than an hour’s drive away. I’m fairly introverted in the sense that I need a lot of time alone to recharge. So I don’t feel like I need to be more connected to the community than I am. All of my current hobbies, unless you count posting online, are solitary. When my son was in daycare, I was a member of the PTA board, but since then, I’ve stopped volunteering my time, although I do make monthly donations to a number of charities. My biggest donations go to a mental health charity and an anti-bullying charity, and I also donate annually to a cancer charity appeal, because my mom’s a cancer survivor.

    10. Blue wall*

      It’s interesting to me that how you identify your community is more what I would consider my social connections.

      Community I consider more as people I have loose social and communal bonds with, often centered around a central activity/place. The craft guild is a community; the Y is a community; my synagogue is a community; my little pocket neighborhood is a community. I don’t know everyone in these communities but we, together, care collectively about the whole and contribute to make it a living thing, often doing things that matter, together.

      I think A LOT about community- both in my own life and as a general concept. Wendell Berry’s fiction works on Port William are a great example of community. I’d love to hear any other book recs, fiction or non, regarding community!

      2. Jackalope*

        If you are a fantasy reader, my personal favorite series is that Twelve Houses series by Sharon Shinn. It’s a series about 6 people who end up on a journey together, and by the end they’re best friends, more tightly bonded than they ever would have imagined at the beginning of the first book. That happens in book 1, and then throughout the rest of the series they maintain that amazing closeness. I have to reread the series at times just to enjoy the friendships between the characters.

        If you are a YA fantasy reader, I also enjoy the Circle of Magic series by Tamora Pierce, which is a story of four young people who end up becoming very close as well. It is however a much younger read so be prepared for that.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I have a more narrow definition of community- it’s my neighborhood, the people around my home. That’s it. It’s important to me to know them, know their names and at least a few small things about them. Not enough to be nosey but enough to chat with them. So it ends up being whatever they want to share about themselves.

      I have people who are anchors/rocks of Gibraltar in my life, but not all of them live near me. Some are far away. I have one friend in particular who I call my guardian angel friend.

      Thinking of it as concentric circles, the next circle is my town. There are some people in this group who are a true gift in my life.

      My setting is different. I do not have family close by or even in the same state. But I am in a rural area and everyone is aware that in times of difficulty help may or may not get there in time. As an example, one night we had to call the police because of kids vandalizing things. It took the police an hour and a half to get here. NOT their fault, we have a big county. Calling for EMTs is a matter of patience. The building is unstaffed, so people are at home doing life things. It takes a minute to get to the rescue building and so on. It’s a different mindset than I have found elsewhere. Regular people are more willing to roll up their sleeves and pitch in until trained help arrives. Some of my sense of of the greater circle of community comes from this shared understanding that we all have. It’s a common ground to build on.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, people in rural communities depend on each other to survive.

        I’m really happy that my suburban street has a small community. I know most of our neighbors by name, and our next door neighbor’s two huskies who can handle our winter and who spend a lot of time in their kennel year round also protect our property by barking when someone’s coming up our drive. :)

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I felt like I finally had a community pre-pandemic — a big gay multi-age musical group that felt like an extended family. I was closer to some people than others, of course, but they all felt like honorary siblings, niblings, or cousins in some way or another. I miss that feeling!

    13. Asenath*

      I don’t think I have a community, or perhaps it’s better to say that I’ve sometimes found groups that might be considered “community” to be difficult to deal with, not the least because there’s the implication that you’ve got them, who else do you need? And you should either join in battles for control and/or accept the community norm. Although I live a quiet life, I do associate with various people I am close to in different ways. They could be classified into groups (at least the ones who live in the same city I do) and sometimes these groups overlap, but I never think of them as my community. They include those of my family and old friends who are still alive and in contact, people I’ve met regularly through one or the other of my activities and whose company I enjoy (they seem to like mine, mostly). Oddly enough, one or two of these activities involve people for whom the idea of community is very important – I just keep my mouth shut on the topic and participate. For me, place is very important to feeling at home, and a home is a kind of community. I don’t think I will ever leave my city – and when I used to travel a lot, sometimes spending a year or more in different places, I always knew I would come “home” – even though it’s not where I grew up, and none of my few surviving close relatives live anywhere nearby. But I like everything from the shape of the earth to the people I meet on my daily rounds and chat casually with about the weather (or often lots of other things) even though I don’t know their names. They’re part of my life, too, but do they make up a community? I don’t think so. I’m generally very happy with my quiet life and the different people I know in different ways. I suppose I do think of it as a kind of web of connection, centred on me. I seem to recall having to draw out webs like that – is is a sociology methodology? Anyway, I don’t think I have any formal community, although some would probably try to claim me on the grounds I participate in their activities. And that doesn’t bother me. This is a very interesting question – is there only one way to do community? What does community look like for you?

    14. fposte*

      This is something I’ve thought about consciously in retirement, as my community was hugely workplace-focused before.

      I can see the word meaning either a collection of people who know one another and who include me in their number, or the network of people who make up my life, who may never meet. One of my best friends is a mental mapper par excellence, and it’s fascinating the way she links together people who’ve met her in different ways. Her network and community are pretty much the same thing–if you’re one of her friends you know which of her other friends are going through something.

      I don’t go quite that far, but I feel like community isn’t simply the physically proximal (though fortunately I very much like my neighbors). The weak ties, as I believe sociologists call them, matter a lot too–on our street you give a wave to anybody out walking, and my pharmacist knows my name and is happy to see me, and my massage therapist knows town politics really well. And having more time post-retirement has allowed me to strengthen ties with people I enjoy but hadn’t spent as much time with.

    15. Overeducated*

      I’m at a conference right now where the word “community” comes up a lot and it always makes me think. As an adult who’s moved around a lot I have realized I really need to consciously cultivate and join communities where I live, and that’s hard. I moved during covid, and even two years in to living in my city, I feel like I’m not there yet. It’s hard to break in as a new person, hard to get to know people, hard to step up to be a giver as well as a taker when your life is busy. Some communities are geographically widespread or have looser connections, so they can’t fulfill all social needs, but I think there’s a fundamental distinction between individual social relationships and communities that are more collective.

      I’ve also seen them change with age and life stage. I know as transplants to our small town, my parents tried hard to be part of school and church and neighborhood communities, and as a kid growing up I felt like we were really part of some of them. But people move on, you don’t keep in touch with other kids’ parents when they’ve grown up if you don’t have a friendship outside of that, a lot of the church members have died or are moving to be near their grandkids, and I know my parents now feel that the communities they’ve tried so hard to invest in are dissolving around them. I don’t have a solution for that, just the sad realization that you are never set for life, community is not some stable everlasting thing.

    16. Russian in Texas*

      Partner, cats, immediate family on both sides (only few people each), few friends of various closeness. I work with some people I like and we are friendly, but not friends.
      I am not going to call anyone at 2am except nu partner.
      The friends circle shrunk over the years, which is natural.

    17. Russian in Texas*

      If we are not talking about social connections, I am not sure I have a community? Or want one? My neighborhood is nice and quiet, the city (we are it’s own tiny city of one square mile) organizes various parties, events, etc. I know that for myself, if the city didn’t, I would never ever participate in something like this as a neighbor. I do not organize, or join, or care. I simply do not care to know neighbors that much, unless they are being a neusance. I’ve lived in this house for over 7 years now, I know some neighbors by face, and talked to couple occasionally, for stuff like getting a new fence up, but I don’t even know their names. Wave at silver on walks, but again, don’t know, don’t care. I used to rent for 15 years prior to living in this house, and I don’t think I’ve learned a single neighbor’s name.

    18. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Just my cat. I only have work friends and text friends. I don’t prefer to spend my time with others.

    19. matcha123*

      I think about this a lot because I don’t feel like I was raised with a community. I was raised *in* one, of course. But, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.
      The same with family, I don’t have a large or close-knit family.

      As an adult (eek), I still don’t feel like I really have a community. Living abroad contributes to that feeling, too. I have people I speak with regularly, but I don’t feel like most of them really understand me. No partner, either, so it’s all on me.

    20. Jackalope*

      Community is one of the most important facets of my life, and I’ve spent a lot of time investing in it. Some of it is the people I spend the most time with; my spouse, and my housemate who is also one of my closest friends. The rest of my COVID pod is also close community; some of them I see once or twice a week, some I see once or twice a month, but I generally have regular close contact. I’m also close to my family although they’re further away so we don’t see each other as often; every other month or so for some and once a year or so for others. But I do talk to some of them on the phone regularly.

      I also think of my wider community, my city and places I go regularly. Someone else talked about weak ties, and those are important to me. I enjoy going to the same librarian to check out my books, the same cashier to buy my groceries, waving good morning to the same neighbor on my walks around the neighborhood. My friends tease me that everywhere we go in my city, we always run into someone I know. Many of those people I’m not super close to but it still makes me feel connected.

      And both with my closer and broader communities, there’s a sense of responsibility. Being available for friends who have an emergency, going to city-wide meetings to get involved with helping fix local issues, things like that are all a part of my being a member of a community. And I feel like I get that in return from others as well.

    21. E. Chauvelin*

      -Husband and my parents, whom I see regularly and with whom my husband and I regularly go out for dinner
      -Close friends whom I see maybe a couple of times a year but with whom I can discuss almost absolutely anything virtually (and the “almost” is only because, if I’m annoyed by one of them in a low-stakes, not worth actually mentioning it, I should just deal kind of way, that’s going to be something I just discuss with my husband)
      -Good friend I can count on to go out with more often and discuss some life stuff but who isn’t going to be on the receiving end of all of the angst that people I’ve known since adolescence will, and a pair of couple-friends with whom my husband share a bunch of hobbies and with whom we’ve occasionally gone out apart from formal meetings of those groups.
      -Shared hobby friends, some of whom I would absolutely be willing to call for practical emergencies or favors, but with whom I don’t usually get together on purpose for reasons outside of a shared hobby.
      -Coworkers whom I like but whom rarely get together outside of work
      -Church people I enjoy seeing there but don’t get together with outside church activities.

    22. marvin*

      I think gay and trans people tend to be more intentional about creating community, since many of us have fewer family connections and often rely on our communities for various types of support and survival. This is something that I personally feel somewhat lacking and would like to try to build up more for myself.

    23. Fit Farmer*

      I had your question in mind all weekend, surprised I didn’t have a ready answer, and now I’ve got something to add even though I’m late to the party.

      For me I think community arises from a sense of shared history, and an appreciation of that shared history. There’s some mutually-shared identity there, which people can come and go from, but in some way the people who see that history and identity in each other are what defines the membership of a community. Most meaningfully, it’s people in the same place, overlapping in day to day life because that’s just who happens to be there, the people I know *also* knowing each other in a web of mundane but practical connections. As far as particular people—it’s just whoever happens to be there. Whether I feel close to them, or acquaintances, or even dislike them, relationships with individuals are a totally separate thing than the community as a whole. Someone can even be appreciated as a part of a community, while disliking them as a person. In a way completely unrelated to the friendships I have with people, this sense of “community” enriches my life.

      I feel like this is a more rural, older, “conservative” meaning of community, centered around a mutually-appreciated sense of place, as opposed to urban “liberal” sense defined by activities, gatherings, and intentional selections of people. It’s been interesting to talk over time to people I know, and to read comments here on “community,” because for such a common and important word, people can find such different aspects of the word to be meaningful to them.

  10. Free Meerkats*

    Now that it’s almost over, what have you done this summer that you haven’t done in the last two?

    For me, it was Worldcon.

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      Traveling of any sort on a plane… I went to Boston. I also did a solo getaway – something I’ve never done before!

      1. flapping wings*

        exactly this. I did 4 plane trips. (for work, but, got a couple of days sight-seeing in there). Haven’t done that in years!

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Ate indoors at a restaurant (few people there, huge place with lots of distancing, with two pandemic-conscious friends),

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      I went on holiday. We rented a holiday cottage on the beautiful Norfolk coast (UK) and didn’t do anything for a week except walk the dog, go to the pub and read. It was great!

    9. AGD*

      Live concerts, live theater, live board games, two favorite sports (I am very out of practice!), traveling just to explore, helping look after family members with Covid, and generally having a good and predictable schedule.

    11. CharlieBrown*

      I went to our company picnic, which is back on after two years of being cancelled. I work remotely, so it was good to put faces with names, and meet the dogs I’ve only gotten emails about.

      I didn’t get out often before (thank you, anxiety), so this is really enough socializing for me for the next 6-8 months, but it was a great time, and I was so happy to be there. I am looking forward to next year’s picnic.

    13. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

      COVID is not almost over. I was just sick, despite being vaccinated three times, and that was the sickest I’ve been since I had mono 20 years ago. My wife also got it and coughed nonstop a month afterward.

        1. CharlieBrown*

          I initially read it as “COVID is almost over” (which it is most certainly is not) but upon re-reading it, I read it as “summer is almost over”.

          I think this is because I wish I were over COVID (so tired of this, so tired of those people, so tired of just being tired) but I know this will be with us for a while, so I just can’t be over it any more than it is over me. Alas.

    14. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Attended the cactus and succulent sale at the Huntington Library and Gardens. It’s been cancelled for the last 2 years. After spending way too much money on plants I didn’t need, I spent the whole day touring the gardens and had lunch at their cafe out on the patio.

    17. Might Be Spam*

      I went to 3 regional ethnic festivals. After having to skip them for a couple of years, I was surprised to actually recognize some people that I only see at the festivals. I’m really bad at recognizing people. There was a lot of “I know that I know you, but your name escapes me” going around on those weekends.

  11. Bluebell*

    It’s definitely apple season here in New England. I was at the Farmers’ Market today and tried a Swiss Gourmet, which was delicious. There’s a bakery in my town that has a connection with a orchard, so they often have unusual varieties for purchase. Tell me your favorite apple, or your favorite apple treat!

    1. Firebird*

      My adult kids still ask for my homemade chunky applesauce with cinnamon. My out-of-state son made a special request for it when he comes for his Christmas visit this year.

      I haven’t made it for a few years and I didn’t realize that they missed having it. I had to go and get large canning jars, since I downsized my canning supplies when I moved. Knowing that they appreciate it, makes it worth the effort.

    2. PollyQ*

      Macouns, although they were easier to find when I lived in Massachusetts. I very rarely see them in California. :(

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Oh boy, this thread is going to make me envious. I’m a Californian who greatly misses the apples from the Midwest. MacIntosh for sure. When I was last in Minnesota, I had my first Honeycrisp. Yum!

    4. RedinSC*

      Here’s my dilemma! We have local apple growers and the put tables out and you leave money and fill up a bag, but they don’t always tell you what apples you’re getting. I got a bag of apples and they were pink inside! They were so lovely, and really delicious. I’d never seen a pink apple (all the way through!) I googled pink apples and have narrowed it down some, but Oh, I hope they put the pink apples out again.

      PINK APPLES!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        So I had to do a quick google. I did not realize but there are many varieties of apples that are pink inside. I did not realize there are so many.

      2. KatEnigma*

        In ND, there is a pink crabapple that’s local, whose name escapes me, that we used to get from the Farmer’s Market that was divine!

      3. Bluebell*

        There is a terrific blog called Adams Apples and he reviews pretty much every type of apple. He has one entry for a Pink Parfait.

    5. RedinSC*

      Here’s my dilemma! We have local apple growers and the put tables out and you leave money and fill up a bag, but they don’t always tell you what apples you’re getting. I got a bag of apples and they were pink inside! They were so lovely, and really delicious. I’d never seen a pink apple (all the way through!) I googled pink apples and have narrowed it down some, but Oh, I hope they put the pink apples out again.

      PINK APPLES!

    6. Helvetica*

      I haven’t had it since I lived in the States but Cosmic Crisp was a revelation to me. Perfect texture, flavour balance, and juiciness. Incredible.

      1. Cosmic Crisp for great snack*

        I was going to say Cosmic Crisp as well! It is fairly new – brought to the market in 1998 but had a limited distribution and were really espensive. I bought out one of our local store’s supply and sent them all over the country as Christmas presents! Now they are widely available.

    7. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I love a lot of apple types – Honeycrisp for taste and texture, Granny Smith when I want a good tart one with peanut butter and honey, and it’s my go-to for cooking, and my favorite that’s only around for a short time, Jonathan. I have so many things I love made from or with apples. I’ve always been fond of apple butter, and recently found the best-tasting one I’ve ever had, yay! There’s an apple cake I make that’s loaded with apples and screams Autumn!, and a super apple crisp type dessert called Apple Goodie that’s like a giant oatmeal cookie baked over fresh apples. I also love pork cooked with apples, dressing/stuffing with diced apples, pumpkin soup with diced apples, sauerkraut with apples and sausage… It’s my season for cooking and eating!

    8. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      There’s an apple I used to be able to get at my local farmer’s market called a Golden Russet that I still dream of every fall. It’s gold-green with a matte/papery skin, amazing flavor, and a crunch that makes a Honeycrisp seem like wet cardboard by comparison. Absolute heaven.

      My favorite apple treat is that I make muffins based on the Teddie’s Apple Cake recipe from the NYT. I make them healthy-ish by reducing the sugar & using a mix of whole wheat & buckwheat flour instead of white flour. They’re always a hit.

    9. Loopy*

      I’m in SC and boy do I miss fall and apple season in New England. I usually shop at Aldi so the variety is extra limited. Anyone outside of NE know if interesting apple varieties can be found in farmers markets or other stores? Feeling nostalgic enough to perhaps go seek them out!

      1. Clisby*

        I’m in Charleston SC and we often get NC apples at farmers markets and local stores. One year I even scored Grimes Golden apples, which to my husband is the pinnacle of apple-dom.

    10. KatEnigma*

      Sweet Sixteen. It’s like it comes with cinnamon already.

      This is our first year in Houston and I am going to miss all the apple varieties! Especially miss getting the cheap seconds and thirds from the farmers market to use for applesauce!

      1. Russian in Texas*

        HEB will have some. They are fairly reliable for Envy and Honeycrisp, and right now they have Cosmic Crisp.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Yes, and we’ve been buying them for eating. But they aren’t at the prices I prefer for seconds for making a vat of applesauce! I’ll get some varieties, though. I like a mix for both applesauce and pies- the flavor is deeper and brighter if you mix tart and sweet, etc.

          1. Russian in Texas*

            That’s true, we are not the apple land.
            But just wait for the sumo orange season! Also, HEB’s own guacamole (in the produce section, where salsas and stuff are) and black bean dip (deli section) are really really good.

            1. KatEnigma*

              I actually prefer my own guac. LOL I got used to it in California where it’s chunkier, and I personally prefer heavy on the lime. But there is plenty of HEB store brands that I love. (and HOW do their potato chips end up so unbroken? Less transport?)

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I love Macs this time of year. I got into Macintosh apples because of my husband’s diabetes. We were told Macs are lower in sugars that others. In the off season, I like Delicious apples because of their consistency in flavor in the off season.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Haven’t had these in years, but I used to love Winesaps. Hard to find these days.

    13. Llellayena*

      Staymen Winesap! (Not sure if I’m getting the spelling right) They’re perfect for apple pie (original Joy of Cooking recipe)! They’ve got a little bit of a bite and the hold shape when cooked. They’re also more dry than some apples so you don’t get that super soupy pie middle.

    14. Jellyfish*

      Cortland apples! There’s a beautiful orchard with all kinds of variety about 10 minutes from our house, and we give them lots of business this time of year. Good odds we’ll drop by today even though we went last weekend too.
      I usually make a nice apple crisp to serve with vanilla ice cream sometime during the season.

    15. Hotdog not dog*

      My favorite heirloom apple is the Winesap. Favorite new variety is Cosmic Crisp. Runners up are Macoun, Ginger Gold, and Honeycrisp. There is an orchard near me that sells a box of “seconds” for a low price (we’ll have to see if they raise it this year, but it’s been $20 the past 5 years or so). You get whatever varieties you get, but it’s always been more than enough for several pies, cakes, fritters, pancake topping, and snacking.

    16. Pippa K*

      Not an apple treat that uses whole apples, but I love to make caramels with cooked-down apple cider (the fresh American juice kind, not the alcoholic kind). I think it’s Smitten Kitchen’s recipe and they’re so good. I put them in little bags for friends and it’s a popular autumn treat.

    18. Charlotte Lucas*

      Chenango Strawberry & Black Gilliflower. There are a lot of things I like to bake with apples, but I have to be fast. My SO likes a tart apple & often eats the types I buy for baking.

    19. BlueWolf*

      The first local apples just started appearing at my local farm stand a couple weeks ago (honey crisp). I made baked apples with ice cream. I’ll have to stop by this weekend and get some more. :)

    20. Okapifeels*

      I moved from Virginia to Florida as a teenager, and the only apple treat I can get here that comes close to the real stuff is apple cider. That’s how I judge when fall has begun, here–since the weather doesn’t change (in that way), I call it fall when I start craving apple cider.

    21. fposte*

      There was a specialist apple dealer who worked with a few different midwestern orchards, and I used to get a variety box of unusual (and some usual) cultivars every fall. I really loved Ashmead’s Kernel. I definitely run to the Jonathan/McIntosh family, and I agree on Macoun; I also like Jonamac. I prefer William’s Pride of the early PRI apples, though I missed it this year. We don’t get Cox’s Orange Pippin much in the US, but I enjoy it when I can find it. Oh, and Northern Spy is good, too.

        1. fposte*

          I forgot good old ES! I love them too. There was also a hobby orchard near me that grew great Esopus. Plus it’s just fun to tell people the cultivar name.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I got those too! (Not sure if it was the same source but definitely involved lots of rare and/or heritage types, from a variety of midwestern orchards.) I really loved the variety.

        Since I live in New England there are lots of locally-grown apples and good variety – and plenty of pick-your-own options (as well as some stray apple trees cheerfully producing bounteous crops at the edges of parking lots!).

          1. GoryDetails*

            That sounds right. That was pre-internet, so all I knew about their catalog listings was what they included in the writeups. But I really enjoyed getting the boxes of wildly-varied apples!

      3. anonymath*

        Yay, someone mentioned a Spy! Prairie Spy is my favorite (even more than Northern Spy). The orchards near me are also growing something called First Kiss, an early apple that I’ve been enjoying this year. And I also like Keepsake apples, a really late hard small sweet apple. Mmmmmmm….. looking forward to those…..

    23. Generic+Name*

      I grew up in Nebraska, and I loved Jonathan apples. I’m haven’t been able to find them since I moved away. :(

    26. Girasol*

      Jonagold! We went to the biggest orchard around once and bought one of each apple then sat on the tailgate with a pocket knife for an apple tasting. For applesauce – the tart chunky spicy honeyed kind – Delicious and Golden Delicious are too blah and mealy, Granny Smith a bit sour, Rome crisper and sweeter. Honeycrisp had an even better balance of sweet and tart but Jonagold won the taste-off with that plus a much stronger appley flavor. There’s nothing like homemade applesauce that’s chunky and spicy and just a bit less sweet than pie filling. Storebought is like baby food by comparison.

    27. Ranon*

      Zestars are my latest favorite, they’re a Honeycrisp cross and I think even better than a Honeycrisp. Looking forward to getting out to where the local university sells their apples to see if they’ve got anything new this year.

    28. small town*

      The Albemarle Pippin is a wonderful (slightly tart apple), now mostly replaced by Granny Smith. Absolutely great in French apple tarts or for cider. In Virginia you can still find it.

    29. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Didn’t see either of these mentioned: my favorite type is Pink Lady (sweet and a little tart aka perfection) and my husband likes Jazz apples.

        1. Bluebell*

          I had high hopes for Jazz, but just didn’t love them. But this whole thread has piqued my interest in Cosmic Crisp. And I do like Pink Lady.

    30. fluffy*

      Chestnut Crabs, which I first encountered at the University of Minnesota apple barn. The UM developed this in the 1940s. It’s bi for a crab, beautiful robust taste, and just the right size to add to a lunch box

    31. SpellingBee*

      Another vote for Cosmic Crisp! I love trying different apple varieties. Snapdragons are also very good – great crisp texture, sweet with a nice tart edge. I like Opals too, but they don’t seem to store as well so you need to get them early in the season.

    32. VegetarianRaccoon*

      I’ve moved to a place with like 3 apple varieties + crabapples. One of my few complaints is that I miss New England Fall and MacIntosh apples (we get them once in a great while, but usually in very rough shape).

  12. Inadvertent Packrat*

    I’m in my 30s and all my childhood stuff that used to reside in my parents’ basement was recently evicted to my spare bedroom in my house. School binders for elementary and high school, kid hobby projects that I spent lots of time on, kid books I appreciated, etc. It’s the sort of stuff that, at the time, didn’t seem like it should be thrown away but also wasn’t culled or kept with any intention…and now, the whole collection feels like some sort of meaningful record of my childhood years. But I clearly can’t keep all of it forever, and I’m not sure why I’d want any particular piece, but then, I don’t want *none* of it either.

    I’m not sure how to handle this sort of situation but I think the answer is to find an “approach” that works (Marie Kondo, take photos and toss everything, allow yourself 25 sheets of paper per grade/year, decide on a number of boxes you’re allowed to keep so choose wisely, etc). But there must be many creative solutions here and I’d like to get a fuller sense of the range of ideas people have come up with for solving the problem.

    What such approach have you applied to this situation in your own life, or a friend’s?

    1. TeaFiend*

      I culled my childhood stuff in stages. Every year or so I go back and check if I still want to keep it all. I’m thinking of making a scrapbook from it (with photos of non-scrapbook-able items).

      1. Overbooked*

        Seconding this. Doing it in stages is gentler and more attuned to where you are in the sorting moment rather than thinking of some abstract end goal. Going through things every 2 or 3 years worked for me.

      1. Annie Moose*

        This is a great idea. I think doing this would really help with the thought of “well, what if I regret throwing this away later?”

        In fact, it’s such a great idea, I think I need to use it myself!

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I had to do this *at* my parents’ place, as I live to far away to ship stuff, so there was a definite time limit, which helped.

      My approach was to first sort the stuff roughly by time period. Then I went through it systematically. I did a bunch of scanning – all photos, report cards and awards, a representative sample of artwork/school assignments etc. Things like newspaper clippings, old student IDs and signed cards also got scanned. I photographed some non-scannable items, and for old souvenir t-shirts I photographed the front and back, spreading them out on a flat surface. I kept physical items that dealt with any sort of official record that I might need (high school diploma, certificates from music exams) as well as some compact cloth things, like my old Guide scarf and sash. For photos, if there was a date or notes on the back of the photo I scanned the back as well, for identification purposes later.

      I spent some time rotating and trimming the scans so they were easily viewable, and then assembled the whole thing into photo albums using Mac Photos. I went roughly chronologically – there are albums for pre-school, primary, secondary, high school and university, and going through the album gives me an overview of my past. YOu can use the caption feature in the album to make notes about what the items are and meant to you.

      The final step, and this is *very* important, is to back up the photo album and original scans, to both a local storage medium that’s independent of the computer your album is on (like an external hard disk) and an offsite backup (on the cloud, for example). That way, if your house burnt down, you’d still have the cloud copy, and if you got locked out the cloud service and your computer got stolen, you’d still have the local backup.

      Oh, and things like old school binders – scan a page or two for an example from each binder, and note in the scan file name what the subject/year was, then recycle the rest. Books – if you are likely to read them again, or have kids that will, move them to the bookshelves, otherwise scan or photograph the cover and donate them to a book sale or otherwise give away.

    4. PX*

      I recently moved and had to do a bit of this. I eventually ended up keeping 2-5 things that would be ~representative~ of the period and then tossing the rest. I definitely need to do that for a few more things, but I think for me it’s probably the best approach.

      I’ve also found that doing it over time can be really good. The first time you look at things, I found myself feeling quite emotionally attached and the idea of letting go felt very hard. But then you come back a month later and look at it again and realise maybe it doesnt actually mean so much. Do that a third time and its like, yup – ready to let go now!

      Also second taking lots of photos of things as you go.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I went back in stages. Sadly I had to get rid of 75% of it when I was about 20 y/o. I couldn’t house it and my father had to sell the house. As the decades rolled by I got tired of lugging it from one apartment to another and the pile went down to several boxes. Now I have one toy box that I keep for when kids visit. But it took decades to get there.

      I only regret getting rid of one thing. The toy piano. It was pink and made out of wood. One key did not work. It’s funny/odd because other stuff I got rid of I have seen at antique stores for $100 or more. But the little piano is the thing I think of. I think that is a pretty good batting average to have only one real regret.

      I had to use a very practical mindset. I asked myself tough questions such as “Do I want to lug this through life?” and “Will anyone besides me care about it?”

      I was stunned when I found out my parents had nothing from their childhoods. Child-me wondered how they could do that. Adult-me realizes that with the Great Depression and then the need to get out into the working world, were probably factors in what happened there. They probably did not have that much to begin with and post war mentally stated that New was somehow better than Old. Eventually I found for myself that I just had to get practical about it all.

      Don’t get mad at yourself if you can’t let go of it all at the same time. Later, don’t get mad at yourself if you decide to get rid of more of it. It’s a journey, trust that how you feel is happening for a purpose.

      1. Inadvertent Packrat*

        YES, what other “tough questions” serve as a rubric for assessing a verdict on something?

        That feels like an approach that would work for me — “Will some future partner or child care to see this?” “How will I feel if I can’t see this again.” “What story is this a part of and is it an important one” ETC. What questions have other people used?

        (Also, thanks for your perspective on just going through it “good enough for now” rather than feeling pressure to curate a “forever” museum-piece all in one go. That said, maybe I AM looking to keep things that tell a story, as a museum does — right now that story just needs a LOT of editing!)

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          After my in-laws passed away and we had to go through their house of stuff, my question to myself is, “Do I want my child to have the burden of deciding what to do with this when I die?” Most of the time, the answer is “No.”

          1. The OG Sleepless*

            I do a total declutter of my house every year right after New Year’s. Some years I get rid of more stuff than others. I did a particularly brutal declutter the year after my MIL died. Every time I saw a pile of old stuff, I thought, “do I want my family having to deal with this stuff in 40 years? Nope? Out it goes.”

      2. WellRed*

        This is good advice. You may get rid of stuff now or keep some things that you rid yourself of in 10 or 20 years. But having gone through two death cleanings in the past few years, I recommend really taking a hard look at the stuff. Do you really need second grade report cards? Maybe you do.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Hey save that 1040 from 1946. Might need it sometime. /s.
          I framed kept it, simply to remind me not to get too ridiculous about every scrap of paper that came into my life. “Oh I can toss this paper because I still have that 1040 from 1946.”

          1. slowingaging*

            lol. When my aunt died, her grandkids found her tax returns from the 1920’s. Really… really. I had my Uncle’s grade card from 1920 something…. He passed. The grade cards with comments from the 20’s 30’s and 40’s are pretty funny. I take pictures or scan everything. Then I share my google drive with family.

            1. Might Be Spam*

              I found my kindergarten report card. It seems that I missed 33 days of kindergarten overlapping the Cuban Missile Crisis, because I had gastritis, most likely from the stress.

              We lived in New York and my mother still talks about how afraid all of the neighbors were. My dad remembers getting a survey at work (IBM) asking if he would shoot a neighbor who wanted to come into our bomb shelter. We didn’t even have a bomb shelter, in the first place.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I pretty much kept nothing from my childhood — a bunch of it was in my parents’ house after I moved out, but they asked me if I wanted any of it when they moved, and I hadn’t missed any of it in the fifteen years I’d been out, so they (I assume) tossed or donated it or whatever seemed appropriate to the items. I moved across the country with 5 boxes and a duffel bag when I was 20, and moved back across the country in a smart car when I was 30, so I don’t have much in the way of mementos from before that last trip :)

      But somehow I’ve managed to fill a four-bedroom house in the last ten years since :P

      1. Asenath*

        I have only one or two items from my childhood. I was surprised when I helped my mother to downsize decades after I left home – and in fact, after she’d moved at least twice, including a major downsizing – that she’d kept a LOT of stuff from my and my siblings’ school years. She gave it to me, I skimmed through it (marvelling a bit at stuff I’d completely forgotten) and threw it all out. It meant nothing to me. It meant nothing to me way back then, once I’d gotten the grade for the assignment or the report card, but it meant a lot to my mother. Everyone puts their own value on memorabilia.

    7. fposte*

      My description is that I weed like an auger–each round I go a little deeper. That’s contrary to most advice, but it works for me. I basically just keep removing the low-hanging fruit, and each round that fruit’s a little higher. That helps keep me from being cognitively and emotionally overwhelmed; for me I get less reward from project completion than I do negative reinforcement from doing too much at once.

      I also find it helpful to outline the planned containers for the stuff. Like currently I’m gradually going through two file cabinets, and the goal is to have stuff all fit into one. Again, I’d employ the auger technique–if I had five boxes of childhood stuff, I’d try to winnow it down to four at first, rather than insist I’m picking the best for a single box.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have found planned, designated containers very useful. I have one for my late father and another for my late husband. It’s for that stuff that really does not make a lot of sense to have running loose in the house but I can’t throw it out either.

        Here’s a key for me, OP, I have no idea if I will keep these containers if I have to downsize. But for now, I have the space, so considering the mountains of stuff I got rid of it makes me feel good to at least have these two containers. I think in time, I will tend to not think of the mountains of stuff that is gone and be more focused on what to do with the two containers.

        1. fposte*

          Excellent point–this is not planning a permanent solution; this is a right-now improvement, and that’s sufficient.

    8. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      You can scan or take photographs of some of it. Store it digitally and toss the analog versions. That way you have a record but it takes up no space

      1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        If you go to the bother of doing this (which I also recommend, it works well for lots of the paper items you’re describing) – make sure you label the files as thoroughly as you can. It’s usually easier to do so up front when you still have the item or at least when it’s more fresh in your mind.

      2. Elspeth+McGillicuddy*

        Personally, I wouldn’t do this. I might go through a physical old folder of stuff being sentimental and enjoying old memories. I would never do the same for a folder on a computer.

        But I tend to find images on screens less “real” than I think other people do.

    9. Four of ten*

      As a reference, I’m 72 and don’t have any of that kind of stuff. I’m from a large family, 10 children, so there would have been no way for my parents to keep all that stuff. I don’t have much from my own children either. One opinion, but your life will be fine without those things.

    10. Not A Horder*

      When I moved out of home at 20, I moved overseas. My folks allowed me to keep one box of things at their house, and purging was HARD! For many years, every time I went back home I’d go through the box and get rid of anything I hadn’t remembered was in there. By the time I’d settled down enough to take ownership of the stuff, the amount was fairly small. I found this worked really well for me, so it’s how I manage my purges now – decide how many boxes I can store, sort stuff so that I’m only keeping stuff that fits in the box(es), review the box(es) every once in a while and discard items I hadn’t remembered I had.

    11. Manders*

      I love reading everyone’s comments in this thread! My dad saved so much stuff for me, and I really have no desire to keep most of it. Like for my high school yearbooks, they meant a lot to me at the time, but now I think just keeping my senior year one is fine (and honestly, I don’t remember many of the people who signed it, or have any idea what any of those inside jokes were about). When I go through the photos of, say, my 8th birthday party, I don’t recall almost any of those people. And to be honest, I’m mid-40s with no kids, so who the heck would want that when I’m gone? I’m generally anti-clutter, so I’m good with tossing most of it.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I’ve decided to offer three of my four high school yearbooks to the alumni office. The only one that is important to me is the book from my senior year. Maybe someone who graduated in the earlier years has lost their yearbook and would welcome a replacement… along with all of the personalized, addressed-to-me inscriptions that I haven’t read for decades. Of course, now my to-do list has one more item and my bookshelves require another six inches of space. Sigh.

        1. Manders*

          Yep, I considered this and decided that it was just One More Thing To Do, so… I didn’t. And the chances of that perfect alignment of person needing that years’ and person having it… seemed pretty slim.

    12. So Much To Think About*

      Try “Car Talk” on NPR! It’s only vaguely about cars – it’s more like using cars as a way to talk – HILARIOUSLY – about life!

    13. Chaordic One*

      Not to be morbid, but I really like the Swedish Death Cleaning method. (I’m not fond of Marie Kondo and think her method is too severe.) Being in your 30s you probably aren’t thinking about your eventual passing, but it’s never too early to begin. (If you don’t already have a will, you might want to have one made.)

      I started by getting rid of the things that I didn’t like, no longer needed, that were worn out, didn’t work, and that were merely taking up space. Then I started organizing the things I wanted to keep. There are things that I’ve kept because they are family heirlooms and supposedly valuable that I think my family might want to keep, but I suppose I could get rid of them.

      I have made photos of some things AND digitized some of the photos, but I worry about whether the digital images will be safe and accessible in the future. I think about all the people who, years ago, made videos of their stuff and now the videos degraded and are unusable or they have trouble finding video viewers to see them. So I hang onto the photos.

      I found myself thinking about what would happen to my things if I were get hit by a bus. Having things organized will make it a lot easier for my family to decide what they want to do with the things that I have kept. There are a lot of things like books, old magazines, knickknacks that I like, and I do have a few childhood and school mementos there, but I can’t imagine that my family will want to hang on to them and I don’t expect them to. They should have a fairly easy time of it (or at least an easier time), when the time comes because there really isn’t that much stuff left.

      1. Wilde*

        I’m in my 30s and prefer to think of it as “Swedish moving cleaning”

        We’re likely moving cities this time next year and I definitely don’t want to be taking boxes of *stuff* with us.

    14. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I have this problem with my Memory Box, I have pretty good memory storage but need a trigger to actually recall it. For many things, I kept a piece of it, to trigger the memory without needing too much space. For instance, I have single pieces of several toy sets, the front page of a bunch of playbills and guide maps, and a handful of confetti-type stuff that decorated the tables at various weddings/events. I also keep cards with special messages in them, I don’t need every birthday, christmas, and graduation card, but I still have the ones with lovely messages added inside.

      In your case, you might need to take it a little at a time. Maybe you can display the nicest craft/hobby stuff, and if it’s not display worthy but you have fond memories of working on it, keep a piece to remind you. For the binders, you can probably discard any old schoolwork unless it’s something you are still proud of. Unless you still have strong feelings about your report cards and stuff, you can probably discard them without too much grief.

      Anything still is usable condition that you don’t want yourself, can be handed down to children you know, or donated to a thrift store. The hardest part for me is books. It feels wrong to throw them out, but very few places want book donations because there’s just too much! I have the least guilt putting them at the curb in an open box with a FREE!! sign. For larger collections, I’ve had success posting on offerup, with the rule that whoever comes must take it all, not cherry-pick the good stuff and leave me to throw out the rest.

      All in all, you have my sympathy, it can be very overwhelming to pare down a large pile of sentimental stuff. Take it a little at a time and be kind to yourself!

  13. HBJ*

    Does anyone have comedian or comedy podcast recommendations? My criteria:

    -no or minimal/mild cursing.
    -either no politics, politics that make fun of the government generally or politics that makes fun of both sides equally, preferably the first two.
    -around a medium on the clean scale. Nothing horrifically sexual, offensive, crude, etc.

    I’ve watched 6 or 8 Dry Bar acts, but most of them I haven’t found very funny. My favorite has been Jose Sarduy.

    1. Rosyglasses*

      Jim gaffigan is usually good at this. I listened to Mike Birbiglia’s podcast (only a couple episodes) and I thought they were funny at parts and fit what you’re looking for.

      1. Kittee*

        Yes! Jim Gaffigan is absolutely hilarious! You can try short bits of him on Youtube and if you like them, there are full-length standup “concerts” on, I think, Netflix.

    2. Anonymous Cat*

      Cabin Pressure! It’s a comedy that I first heard on BBC Radio website and later bought on iTunes.

      It features a very small airline (or air dot) and funny things happen with the crew.

      If it’s not currently available on the BBC radio website, you could try buying the first episode on iTunes to see if you like it.

      All the episodes are named after cities and are in alphabetical order.

      It’s really hilarious, has little swearing, and no politics.

      It also has Benedict Cumberbatch as one of the pilots if you’re a fan!

      2. Lady Alys*

        I third Cabin Pressure! It’s absolutely hilarious and all the voice actors are just spot on. I ended up buying the CD set from Amazon.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          And the terrific Roger Allam, who is Fred Thursday in Endeavour, and the narrator in Sarah and Duck.

    3. Dumpster Fire*

      Try Kathleen Madigan. generally clean humor (although she uses some swear words, it’s not vulgar humor at all). She comments on her life, her family, current events, etc.

    4. Sundae funday*

      WAIT WAIT DON’T TELL ME is a long running news quiz with comedians. It’s aired on NPR stations so it follows all FCC rules on language, and it will make fun of any politician who’s in the news. For new listeners, I especially recommend any episode with Mo Rocca, Maive Higgins, or Paula Poundstone.

      1. VLookupsAreMyLife*

        my Saturday sc revolves around WWDT on my local NPR station. Someday, I’ll be part of the live studio audience… BUCKET LIST ITEM!

    5. beep42*

      Judge John Hodgman. The comedian and his sidekick Jesse Thorn hear cases about minor disputes such as whether a husband can hang his fantasy swords above the fireplace when his wife hates him. or whether furry clogs could be worn in public. Silly stuff but they are great at getting off track.

      3. Dwight Schrute*

        I’ll second this! I love listening to that podcast, and my favorite is a crossover episode with Chuck from stuff you should know on a home improvement project he did while his wife was out of town.

    6. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      My partner loved Brian Regan growing up – totally clean & more old-school stylings (bits/jokes & performance/physicality).

    7. Rainer Maria von Trapp*

      So it’s not officially “comedy,” but it is DELIGHTFUL, completely clean, family-safe, educational, politics-free, etc. It’s a podcast called “Were You Raised by Wolves?” It’s about etiquette, which I realize sounds stuffy on the surface, but the two hosts are so darling and bounce off of each other so well. I laugh out loud several times during each episode, and I have learned so many interesting things!

    8. Bluebell*

      Josh Gondelman’s Make My Day podcast could work for you. During early Covid he started this game show, where only one guest competes, and they are guaranteed to get the highest score ever. Most of his guests are comedians, and the episodes are only 30 minutes long. It’s sweet, but also very funny.

    9. North Wind*

      You might try Off The Menu; it’s available on the podcast section of the Amazon Music app.

      Two British comedians (James Acaster and Ed Gamble) interview some minor or major celebrity about what their dream meal would be. It seems to mostly be a jumping-off topic to just have a conversation and share anecdotes. I will say the comedic aspect is a little spotty. Some conversations are weirdly stilted and I couldn’t finish listening (the one with Martin Freeman), but others are a pretty good listen (the one with Paul Hollywood – you know, the judge from The Great British Bake Off).

        1. North Wind*

          Oh! Thanks for weighing in. I started listening to it after listening to tons of episodes of Parenting Hell and was struck by how clean the language was, but maybe only in comparison :).

    11. TPS reporter*

      Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata. They’re both super funny and talk about decently light topics.

    12. AlabamaAnonymous*

      If you’re OK with southern accents look up LeaAnne Morgan and/or Jeanne Robertson. Both are family-oriented comedy and are excellent story tellers. Taylor Tomlinson is also a recent favorite.

    13. Stinky kitty*

      Not a podcast but can be found on YouTube, but I always found John Pinette to be really funny and fairly clean.No politics, some cursing but it isnt gratuitous, a little bit of potty humour. Funny impressions and singing. Sadly he has passed away so there won’t be any more of his buffet stories.

  14. Glasses on the horizon*

    Happy Weekend everyone!

    Can anyone share or describe to me what it is like to need glasses? My son (2.5) will get some soon; apparently he cannot see well up close (although he can see far away like the best of them…which is maybe why I didn’t pick up on it, which I feel a bit weird and guilty about.) I don’t need glasses and I’m trying to understand as much as I can, since he won’t be able to tell me.

    Also, any tips and tricks I should know about? Both from parents who had littles with glasses and from glasses owners. I can use all the help I can get! Thank you so much in advance.

    1. PollyQ*

      Ever watched a movie that was out of focus? It’s like that. Alternatively, is there anyone you’re close to in your life who does wear glasses? Try theirs on for a minute and you’ll get the basic idea. But please don’t feel guilty. A small child doesn’t have the experience to know that his eyes aren’t working the way they should, and as you note, doesn’t really have the language to express it anyway.

      1. PollyQ*

        Oh, and a tip: glasses can be washed with plain soap or dish detergent and water, then dried with a regular towel. You don’t need any fancy cleaner or wipes. Be careful of kleenex with lotion, though.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Only if your towels are quite soft. Where I live has hard water and the towels wind up very scratchy. They’d ruin my glasses in one swipe.

          A microfiber screen cloth is great and reusable forever.

        2. Falling+Diphthong*

          My optometrist told me that her special spray was 50% water, 50% windex. So I can refill the bottle she gives me. And lintless cloths really make a difference for not just smearing the smear around–I got a dozen on Amazon for not much.

          1. Pippa K*

            Caution, though, glass cleaners with ammonia can harm anti-reflective coatings on the lenses. Windex makes an ammonia-free version I think, but original plain old Windex has ammonia.

          2. smeep248*

            I thought that glasses cloths were a racket until I got some. Way different than using the corner of my shirt!

        3. Ann Ominous*

          FLYlady.net’s purple rags, cut up into glasses-cleaning-sized strips, have been my go-to after years of working really hard to clean them with microfiber or those glasses cleaning wipes and still always having 1-2 streaks left.

          You can literally wipe up cooking oil or engine grease with them, rinse them out, then use them on your glasses and they will be completely clear.

          I give them out as gifts, even. Not as the only gift for an important event, but as stocking stuffers or just giving them to someone who I discovered is using a substandard cloth :)

      2. Sally*

        When you get glasses, the optometrist/optical shop usually gives you a case and a microfiber cloth. Ask for a hard case (as opposed to just a soft envelope type one) and get in the habit of putting the glasses in the case at night. I’ve worn glasses since age 8, and many pairs got scratched from being knocked off the table at night, or fell behind the bed, or the time I accidentally sat on them, broke the bridge, and had to go around with the nerd adhesive tape while my mother ordered a new pair. (“No, mom, I don’t know how they broke….”)

        People who need glasses have no idea that they can’t see properly, because it’s all they’ve ever known. Seeing through the glasses for the first time is a real surprise.

        By the way, you can wash the microfiber cloth, just rinse well and don’t use fabric softener. Wash glasses with dish soap and warm water, they pick up oil and dirt from your skin.

    2. Engineer Gal*

      Don’t make a big deal of it-be matter of fact

      Had glasses or contacts since I was four-it’s just a thing about me like being right handed-doesn’t have to be any more than that

      A second/backup pair can be a good idea

      1. KatEnigma*

        A necessity. My 5 year old lost his glasses for 2 weeks- we found them in the shoe bench the day after the new pair came in. We had looked everywhere and waited a week before ordering. So now we have a spare pair at least. (Got them in January, lost them in July)

    3. RagingADHD*

      It’s like literally not being able to see clearly. That’s all. Surely you can imagine or have experienced some situation where your vision was blurred or obstructed.

      Dirty / fogged windshield on your car? Squinting? Bleary-eyed from being tired or drunk?

      When I was little, I didn’t know I had bad eyesight. I just thought the world looked like that, so it was very confusing when people would discuss things that I couldn’t see. I spent a lot of time feeling like I didn’t know what was going on.

      For a little one, my best tips would be to get 2 pairs, get the extra anti-scratch coating, and if you can get flexible frames, they will last longer. Don’t leave them on the nightstand or bathroom counter at night. You need to be in charge of keeping track of them until he’s older.

    4. lissajous*

      I’m going guess that since he’s young, the prescription will change quickly. I’d have a chat with the optometrist about how often you should go in for check ups, since you son won’t necessarily notice the gradual vision un-focusing, or say anything if he does.

    5. Janet Pinkerton*

      Wash the lenses with soap and water regularly. I do it every time I shower. This removes the skin oils from the lenses and is important to do regularly.

      Buy a big pack of microfiber cleaning cloths and keep them everywhere—his backpack, in the bathroom, his desk, his bedroom, the car. Make sure you actually wash the microfiber cloths too! A tissue also works well but you can’t do a tissue with lotion because the lotion will smear.

      Have a backup pair or two for him.

      If he’s getting headaches, check his glasses. This is often a sign that something needs to be adjusted with his prescription.

    6. allathian*

      I’ve had glasses since I was 11. Glasses aren’t a big deal, usually. Because he’s so young, it might take him a while to accept them, but he will appreciate being able to see things close up at some point.

      Ask his optometrist how often he’ll need new glasses. I got new ones about once every two years when I was in my teens and early twenties.

    7. Lilo*

      I have worn glasses since I was 4 (switched to contacts at 16). Definitely have backup glasses and keep wipes handy as little kids get their glasses super dirty and/or break them. weirdly sometimes you don’t really notice how dirty they’ve gotten.

      Watch out for overcorrection as that causes bad headaches. Fortunately these days they have that machine that measures the issue and I’ve actually had my prescription knocked down since thrn.

      Since he’s male I don’t think he’ll get the weird sexist comments from teachers I got, thank goodness.

      1. allathian*

        Doesn’t apply to kids, but since I hit 40 and started needing reading glasses, my near-sightedness has improved a lot. I’m not yet legal to drive without glasses, but I can travel on public transit without them. A necessity with a mask, because no matter what I do, my glasses fog up with a mask.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      There were some very little kids in my building who needed glasses, and I noticed they had these cool day-glo soft plastic frames that went all around the back of their heads so the glasses didn’t fall off easily. Looked fun and practical for young kids.

      I started wearing glasses when I was older (around 8), and I had trouble with plastic frames where the lenses kept popping out. (You can pop them back in, but it’s annoying.) My dad finally got me some metal-framed John-Lennon-style glasses where the lenses wouldn’t pop out, and I wore that style for decades because it was so sturdy.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        P.S. It takes a while to ease into a new pair of glasses as one’s eye muscles adjust to them. If he wears them all day on the first day, his eyes might hurt a little, or he might get a headache. You might want him to start off wearing the glasses for just a few hours on the first day and then increase the time.

        Also, in addition to anti-scratch coating, you might want to get the coating that protects his eyes from ultra-violet light. It’s like wearing sunglasses even though they’re not dark, and it can help protect his vision decades from now.

          1. KatEnigma*

            It’s how the Optician sold him on picking out frames and wearing glasses. It’s a Pediatric office, so they know how to do things. And almost every adult who hears that detail comments that they wished they made them in adult sizes.

      3. Princess Xena*

        My brother got a pair with titanium bend-and-break proof frames when he was doing sports. They worked great!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My husband had to get glass very early in life- probably about age 6? Not sure. He said he felt nothing but relief. The one big deal he had was the gym teacher made people take off their glasses. He was severely myopic and taking off his glasses meant he could not actively participate in sports because he couldn’t see.

      I think once your son actually has the glasses on his nose, this will get easier.

      Don’t feel guilty. It’s amazing that you caught this one at all. I worked with a guy who was blind in one eye and no one knew. He had an eye test at school and that is how he found out. Because he was a kid, he sincerely believed that one eye was supposed to work and the other eye was there for decoration. So he never told anyone because in his mind, there was no need to tell anyone. I think he was 10 or older before anyone figured it out.

    10. Serenity*

      I’ve worn glasses since I was 10. My son has worn them since about 8. But his grade school went to a water park at the end of every school year. By 3rd or 4th grade, his eyesight was bad enough that he couldn’t tell his friends apart at the water park without glasses, but you can’t wear glasses in the pools or on the slides, and regular goggles don’t help. He grew to hate that field trip.

      It turns out there are prescription goggles (kid or adult size) like there are adult reading glasses… not “exactly your prescription” but “basic stepped prescriptions/buy the closest to yours” that saved his field trips. A bunch of years ago I think a pair cost $75 (college town in the Midwest). He didn’t really *need* them for a swim class when it was one pool and a limited set of kids, but a whole water park for a whole day? It changed everything to be able to see and find his friends.

    11. Hlao-roo*

      Two things I haven’t seen mentioned yet:

      Handle the glasses by the frames, not the lenses (don’t want to smudge up the lenses with fingerprints). And don’t set the glasses on a surface lense-side down, that will scratch the lenses.

      Zip-up sweatshirts are better than pull-overs – way easier to put on and take off while still wearing glasses!

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I started keeping my glasses on a neck cord as an adult, after I lost them in a hotel room three times in two hours. I don’t remember ever losing them as a kid (I’ve worn them since I was about five), but god knows how, haha. Plan for ways to not lose them and ways to have backups if he does lose them. I’m not sure how well that will work on a kiddo that young, but.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        OMG, are you me? I am so vision-impaired without my glasses that if they don’t have dark frames and I put them down, I can’t really see them unless I’m pretty close to them. I’m reduced to going to the likely surfaces and patting around until I encounter them.

        Yep, definitely good to have backup pairs (old pairs can sometimes be good enough, OP) for these temporary misplacements. I love the cord idea too!

    13. Practicalities*

      I’ve worn glasses since I was 2. Like the other commenters here, don’t feel guilty—the signs that they’re needed can be subtle! My parents took me to the doctor when they noticed I’d sit close to the TV to watch it — I’m very near sighted. They tell me they never had a problem with me not wanting to wear them and I never lost them, as I couldn’t see otherwise and only took them off to sleep, for swimming and haircuts. However, I’ve hated wearing glasses since I was a tween and have been wearing contacts daily since I was 15 (and still am at 46 with no problems, knock on wood).

      This is waaaaay down the road, but one thing you might want to keep in mind—if your son wishes to, look into laser surgery sooner (young adulthood) rather than later. I finally considered it in my late thirties and didn’t realize that even if I did get the surgery, I’d still need reading glasses eventually due to aging. If I’d been a good candidate (I wasn’t due to thin corneas and I didn’t want implants), I would’ve wished I’d looked into it earlier. Might as well try to enjoy glasses and contacts-free life as long as possible!

      My daughter got glasses when she was 3. She needs them but can function in a pinch without them (she has distance vision like your son), but never had a problem with her not wanting to wear them as she loves them. She’s now 10 and I’ve offered to look into getting contacts for her, but so far she’s not interested. (My optometrist mentioned that his youngest patient with contacts was 8.)

      Good luck!

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, contacts are not for everyone. I hate the idea of putting things in my eyes. I’m on eye drops now for iritis, and even that is a bit of an ordeal for me. I’d never get Lasik or any other kind of cosmetic eye surgery, and fingers crossed that I don’t get cataracts as I grow older, the idea of eye surgery creeps me out. If I ever need cataract surgery, they’re going to have to trank me so I don’t care what happens to me. I feel sort of naked without my glasses, anyway.

        Let your daughter enjoy her glasses, just because you couldn’t wait to switch to contacts doesn’t mean she feels the same way. I honestly think that your optometrist is irresponsible for prescribing contacts to preteens. I’m not convinced the average 8 year old is capable of using contacts properly, unless they’re dailies that can be worn for a day and then thrown out.

    14. Asenath*

      I loved my glasses when I first got them! I put them on, looked out the living room window, and everything was so sharp and bright and colourful! I am nearsighted too. I suspect many people who are born nearsighted think that the way they see is the way everyone sees, and it can be great to find out that it can be better. My mother insisted on having all her children’s eyes checked when young because of her own experience. She grew up in a time and place when you only got your eyes checked when there was a problem, and she functioned just fine at home and in school. One day when she was a teen she was in her parents’ second floor bedroom, idly tried on her mother’s glasses, looked out the window and exclaimed “I can see the ground with these!” Her parents promptly had her eyes tested and glasses prescribed – but she hadn’t known her sight could be better. Your son should adjust to his improved vision quickly.

      1. allathian*

        I’m glad that we got our eyes tested every two years or so when I was a kid. My parents were scientist, and we lived at a scientific research station when I was a kid, and I went to a literal one-room school (so I could instantly relate to Anne Shirley’s school experiences when I read about them). Kids were seated in two rows, so I never had any problems seeing the chalkboard, and I got used to not being able to recognize people until they were about 50 ft away. I can still remember the amazement I felt when I got my first glasses.

    15. Annie Moose*

      Small comment on lens material:

      The lenses can be made from different types of materials. I’m nearsighted, not farsighted as your son is, but generally there’s three options, the cheapest normal option, a lighter and thinner middle option, and an even lighter and thinner expensive option. The higher the prescription, the thicker the glasses will be, so if your son needs a high prescription, you may need to buy the more expensive lenses to keep them from being absurdly thick.

      (that being said, especially for a little kid who might break, scratch, or lose glasses–I wouldn’t worry too much about it lol. Buy him the cheap stuff. This is more for long term awareness.)

      And don’t feel guilty! I first started wearing glasses when I was 6 and I tell you, I have zero memory of my eyesight before that point. You’re a good parent for getting on top of this and learning about it.

    16. Weary*

      Look through a pair of binoculars at something and then change the focus to blur it. It’s like that. I didn’t get glasses till 8th grade (“Cheated” by memorizing the eye chart waiting my turn for vision screening in 5th grade because I didn’t want to fail the test). THAT is what things are supposed to look like!

    17. Nack*

      Look up the brand Ro Sham Bo. They make amazing indestructible glasses for kids. And the lenses easily pop out so if his prescription changes you don’t have to pay for all new glasses.

      My son started wearing glasses at age 3. Could see far away just fine but not up close. Honestly he did great with the transition and we never had to remind him to keep them in etc. I think being able to see is it’s own reward :)

    18. Nopity Nope*

      Jumping on the “don’t feel guilty” bandwagon. Truly, don’t! I’m impressed you caught it so early. I was quite a bit older when my folks realized I needed glasses. But honestly, as a kid you just think that’s the way everybody sees.

      One hint is to create a “home” for the glasses. There are super cute class stands, such kitties, puppies, or other animals where the glasses sit in the animals noses, that might be a fun anchor point. The idea is, though, that when the glasses come off, they go “home” so you always know where they are. I do this as an adult, because I cannot find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses. So I’ve learned to always set them down in one of two places so I know where they are.

      As your kid grows, you’ll want a strap/band to secure them. I 100% wore/wear my glasses while swimming (play swimming, water parks, beach; didn’t need ‘em for competitive swimming or laps).

      The earpieces do loosen after you wear them a bit, so check them often and tighten as necessary; you just need a tiny screwdriver for that.

      Talk to the optometrist about ordering glasses online. Glasses can be super expensive if you need anything beyond basics (i.e., astigmatism correction, thin lenses for really strong prescriptions so they aren’t coke bottle thickness/weight, scratch resistant—def get that for a kid, UV protection). I’ve had really good luck getting funky, affordable glasses, but my prescription has stabilized. Not sure if there’s anything else to consider for kids; your optometrist may recommend professional, in-person fitting, esp for a toddler. But keep the option in mind as the kid grows.

    19. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been wearing glasses since I was in the second grade. Being comparably tall, I sat in the back of the classroom and after getting glasses I could actually read what the teacher had written on the blackboard. I didn’t know what I was missing.

      My optician told me to rinse my glasses in cold water and to clean them with a soft cloth and rubbing alcohol. They did advise me to avoid Windex at all costs because it will remove any kind of anti-glare coatings (that help with computer glare) from your glasses.

    20. Girasol*

      I got reading glasses in the sixth grade to correct for slightly crossed eyes. Nothing looked any different and I proceeded to lose them as often as possible because I couldn’t be bothered to have them on, off, on, off, all day long for nothing. In seventh grade I got bifocals for distance vision since I’m also nearsighted. I had no idea vision could be like that! They never came off me except in bed for about 50 years. So part of your son’s acceptance may have to do with whether he sees a big difference with glasses or not. If they’re comfortable and he has a strap to keep them on his face, that will help. Watch for sore spots on the bridge of the nose and behind the ears since that where the pressure points tend to be. They’ll seem more natural if he puts them on first thing the next morning when his eyes are fresh and he hasn’t been focusing without glasses for hours. Kudos to you for starting so young! I grew up with very poor hand/eye coordination (never did get better) and a hatred of baseball, since people kept screaming “keep your eye on the ball!” and what does that even mean? You may be just in time to give your kid some developmental opportunities that he might have missed.

    21. small town*

      I got glasses age 9. The teacher noticed that I moved up to the from of the classroom and still squinted at the board. The she contacted the parents and I got tested. They were magic! I never knew that trees had individual leaves! Got contacts at 14 and now have bifocals due to age. A friend has a 3 year old and she loves the soft around the head strap type because they stay on.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        That was my exact revelation on the drive home when I got my glasses. I said I didn’t know people could see the individual leaves on trees from distance. Your son had no clue what he was seeing wasn’t exactly what everyone else was seeing. And it got caught very, very early.

        I can’t see distances, but if at all possible and reasonable for him I’d recommend training him to wear them all the time. You can’t lose glasses, leave them behind if they’re on your head. With my vision there’s no reason to be without them except for sleeping or showering. Have a spot to put them next to his bed at night. A hard case to put them in is not a bad idea. I have occasionally knocked them off the bedside table.

        FYI When I hit puberty my prescription was changing so fast the eye doctor recommended I start using hard contact lenses. I started with soft contact lenses to ease in, but after that my growth spurt ended (I’d hit my max height) and my prescription stopped changing too. So expect that when your son starts his teenage growth spurt his vision may change quickly too.

    22. Dont be a dork*

      Get the insurance on them. Really. And consider getting your son prescription sunglasses as well if he ends up having to wear them all the time. They really don’t make clip on sunglasses in kids’ sizes and particularly if you live somewhere it snows or you go to the beach a lot, the reflection and glare can be painful.

      Don’t make a ‘thing’ out of wearing glasses. I’ve had ’em since I was 5. They really are just part of the daily routine now. I’d be lost without them. If he just needs them for close work then he’ll soon get in the habit of reaching for his case to put them on. If he wears them all day he will get very used to grabbing them off the nightstand first thing.

      Also, as his prescription changes, keep the previous pair as an emergency back up until you can get replacements in case something irretrievable happens, like they fall down a well (youngest brother) or the nerd tape doesn’t work because he rode his bike down “widow-maker hill” and his glasses are now in several pieces (eldest brother).

    23. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Considering your kid is a toddler and communication abilities of toddlers are very much in the development stage, the fact that you figured out there was an issue at all is pretty darn amazing. There’s a reason why basic eye tests are often done by the school when the kid starts kindergarten. That’s often the first time anyone checks if the kid can see decently.

      There’s some indication that a lack of strong direct sunlight is linked to development of vision problems. While science figures it out, go the safe route and encourage lots of outdoor play time.

    24. Anono-me*

      Please look into Orthokeratology as a possible future option for your son. Basically contacts that act as braces.
      People with certain types of vision issues wear prescription contacts at night to change the shape of their eyes. For people young enough, it can be a permanent fix. (I was too old for anything but a 6-8 hours fix, so I didn’t pursue it.)

      Also encouraging scratch resistant coating.

      Different eye glass shops have vastly different products at different price points. I would suggest checking several locations to find the right product for your son.

    25. Lorraine*

      Both my kids started wearing glasses as kids.

      While at school, they had to wear those glasses lanyards so if their glasses got knocked off, they just fell on a cord around their neck instead of to the ground (I did this as a kid who wore glasses, too).

      Do not spray the glasses with windex; I ruined a pair of glasses with a coating on them with windex.

      You can use the cleaner the optometrist gives you or just soap and water. Use microfiber cloths to dry and to rub off smudges in between. Be sure to wash the cloths with no fabric softener and just hang them to dry.

      Whenever the glasses come off, they go into the glasses case. Every time.
      No setting them down anywhere else. This keeps them from being lost or stepped on or whatever.

    26. NoOneGlassesExperience*

      how well you see without the glasses/how much they change what you can do or see/what your experience is with them varies a lot. it depends on exactly why he needs glasses and how poor his vision actually is as well as things like the shape of his face and even what type of skin he has (if he has eczema on his nose, for instance, the glasses could exacerbate it).

      Sounds like he needs reading glasses (they use this term for glasses that help you see close by whether or not you’re actually reading); one of the issues there is not losing them when they’re not being used. You might consider putting them on a chain around his neck. also, it’s very normal that he’ll hold toys/books/games etc closer than you or kids without glasses will – the actual focal point for reading glasses varies from person to person. Make sure you get them professionally fitted and know that you may need to do so again periodically (most optical shops will do this for free for their customers; some will do it for anyone even if the glasses were purchased somewhere else).

      Hope this helps!

    27. *daha**

      It was a revelation and a joy to suddenly see details that I had no hint of previously. (I was 12 or so, and it was to correct distance vision.) Since his correction is for near vision only, I wonder if there is such a thing as glasses that only have the correction in the lower part, like half a bifocal, so he looks down through it for near vision but far vision is unaffected. You can ask his prescriber.)

  15. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    This is truly a little joy, but I enjoy wearing my lounging robe/ dressing gown. Nice color, pleasant material and like wearing a light blanket.

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I got an outdoor folding chair that has no arms so I can finally play my musical instruments when I’m camping.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Sweater weather! I wore a cardigan on Thursday (open weave, over a tank top, but in a nice fall color) and cozy leggings today.

    3. An Australian In London (currently in Australia)*

      I have just moved house, while working two full time jobs. Stress is high.

      What’s bringing me joy is taking this as an opportunity to declutter and clean. It’s making things go more slowly but my preferred approach of “find the best place for storage; wipe down the storage; put things away; clean them first if needed” is bringing me much joy.

      Also seeing how chill our cat is being about it, but perhaps that’s due to the Feliway diffusers in almost every room. :) He’s an indoor cat and goes outside only on harness, and he’s so interested in the new front and back gardens.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I successfully revived my phone in a baggie of rice after I got it so wet that it had been refusing to charge. It took about a week (maybe because the weather was very humid?), but it did eventually work!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Also, got my flu shot yesterday. I’m a little allergic to it, which is scary, but I’m relieved to have knocked off the shot for this year to be better protected! Next stop, pneumonia vaxxes. : )

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      17 year old is currently quarantined due to covid. Fortunately not seriously ill and is recovering nicely. He’s been passing the time playing guitar in his room, and since he’s not aware of having an audience he’s been trying some new songs and techniques. He was already a good musician and has gotten better in just a week, and we are really enjoying the music.

    7. Falling+Diphthong*

      Half day retreat at the local cancer support center. Lots of support, peace, and someone else did all the planning for what to do and eat.

    9. AGD*

      I was feeling colorful on Tuesday so I wore a moderately ridiculous outfit to work (think black and green and hot pink) and it left me grinning throughout the day.

    10. libkae*

      I made crackers last week, which I vastly prefer to store bought, but which are a multi-hour undertaking, so I don’t do as often as I’d like … and then I left home for a few days unexpectedly and completely forgot about the crackers. I opened a cabinet this morning and there they were! It was like a little gift from myself.

    11. GoryDetails*

      Cooler weather, definitely – it’s been a long hot summer.

      And the new season of Great British Baking Show just dropped on Netflix. While I still miss Sue and Mel (side note: I read Sue Perkins’ memoir “Spectacles” recently and loved it, and was reminded of how great she and Mel were as hosts), the show itself still delights me. [The introductory Star Wars-themed skit was cringe-inducing, but did give them a lead-in to a quip about how someone’s pie crust “was on the dark side”. I could do without those skits, thought.]

      1. Nack*

        Oh yes the Bake Off! Every year when it comes on it feels like seeing an old friend again. My husband and I have watched it religiously for about 6 or 7 years, several years even hosting weekly viewing parties. This time it was just us, but felt cozy and nostalgic just the same.

    12. the cat's ass*

      Cooler weather-finally! And impending rain tomorrow, right in time to delay fire season. And it’s finally the weekend after a completely miserable week at the place we don’t talk about on weekends, whew!

    13. Four of ten*

      I’ve always enjoyed riding my bike. The last few years arthritis and pain have made this impossible. I purchased a recumbent trike with an electric assist motor in late July. This week I had some great rides on mostly paved bike paths. I’m so enjoying being outside and moving again. I even found a way to put my cane in the back of the seat so I can use that when I get to my destination. And it’s now a little cooler making the rides even better. It’s a joy to be moving.

    14. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      I was able to complete my entire C25K workout today without stopping. Only up to 3 minutes of jogging at at time, but it’s taken me well over a month to get here & I’m proud of myself for sticking it out.

    16. Girasol*

      I volunteered for a couple hours of litter pickup and ended up working alongside the most delightful person. It’s hard to meet people sometimes and that felt so serendipitous.

    17. Dont be a dork*

      I have, after many, many years, finally pulled out my stamp collection and started working on it again.

      Right now it’s just reorganizing the stock books before I can start putting stuff into the albums again, but those tiny bits of paper that reflect so much of the world’s history are so soothing after a long week of teaching high school kids. Bright, beautiful, and in so many different art styles!

    18. slowingaging*

      Big and little joy. I had new windows installed. When the fall winds come (and they will come) I won’t have dirt in my house. My windows were so loose the neighbors could smell when I was baking. I had city sewer guys working on my street and they commented on my baking. So yeah new windows

    19. Voluptuousfire*

      I helped a dear friend with a little crafts booth at a local flea market and it was nice to be among people. I now have a pair of cat themed pot holders she made. :)

      Also bought a dress randomly and it was awesome. The cut is great and the color is amazing as well. It felt good after seeing pics from a work do where I photographed terribly.

    20. Astoria*

      I participated in an online improv group and loved it. Wish I’d done something like this 10 years ago.

    21. VegetarianRaccoon*

      Your comment made me think of my new pj pants. They’re black velvet in a jogger style, fit me well, and are such a wonderful blend of luxury and coziness! I got them on clearance on impulse even though I didn’t need them. They feel like such a triumph of self-care.

  16. WoodswomanWrites*

    It’s time for a thread about birds.

    In a couple days, I’m heading to the state and national parks in the California redwoods almost at the Oregon border. Recently, endangered California condors raised in captivity were released in the area. It would be amazing to see one. I imagine there’s no chance since even if they’re around they’ll be hidden in the trees. But it makes me so happy that they’ve returned to their ancestral home.

    2. RedinSC*

      I live by the central california redwoods. You’ll have an amazing time in the trees, and the condors fly, I’m told they’re unmistakeable when they’re in the air! Good luck, you might also see a bald eagle, they’ve been moving into CA! There was a pair near me earlier in the summer!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’ve been lucky and saw them at Pinnacles National Park, such huge wingspans when they’re flying. In one of my best wildlife sightings ever, a condor perched on a tall rock right next to the trail. S/he was so close I put my binoculars down and we watched each other for a few minutes.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      There is a chickadee in my peach tree who appears to be entirely unafraid of dogs and humans. When I sit on my deck, he hangs out in the tree (about 8′ away from my chair) and chats with us. He’s been around for several weeks.

    5. KatEnigma*

      Driving over our gully yesterday, I saw a Great Egret and it made me so excited. They are so common here in SE Texas, but I grew up in Ohio where they are not. It was like the first time we got tanagers at our hummingbird feeder in California! Birds that you don’t grow up seeing all the time seem more exciting. My husband had never seen a red winged blackbird before we moved to Wisconsin, and always thought they were special.

      My entire life (okay, since the 5th grade unit on birds) I have wanted to see a painted bunting in real life, and this should be very doable here.

    6. Birds Are Real*

      Condors love to soar, so that improves your chances of seeing one! Keep your eye out when you’re in meadows/open spaces. And if it’s hot, you’re most likely to see them in the morning or evening as they head to/from the coast where it’s cooler. I hope you spot one!

    7. All Monkeys are French*

      If you’re driving, I recommend a stop at the Humboldt Bay National Wildlife Refuge just off 101 south of Eureka. It has nicely maintained trails and wonderful bird watching opportunities.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      There’s an owl that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my vicinity. I hear him “who who-ing” at night sometimes. Am oddly excited about this.

  17. A.N O’Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    I got a good chunk written for a project that has been on hold for a while. Always nice to get unstuck.

    1. Richard Hershberger*

      I have found a publisher for my book on the vocabulary of baseball. This has the unfortunate implication that I have to finish writing it, but it is pretty close already.

      The interview with the Professor Buzzkill podcast is up. Google on Professor Buzzkill and it comes right up. I am pleased with how it went. It is more about the early baseball book now in editing.

  18. A.N O’Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of games you want to including board games and phone games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I finally got started on Gravity Rush (the Vita version). Still getting used to the controls, especially in combat, but I like it so far.

    1. Blessed Cotton Socks*

      I was recently gifted a few months of xbox Game Pass (ultimate) so I’ve mostly been filling up my “oooh I want to play that later” – list I’ve had a long hiatus from gaming so would gladly take recommendations.
      What are everyone’s favourites in the Game Pass library?

      I started playing “the Forgotten City” the other day and am enjoying it immensely a lot so far – but I have realised I have become a game-wimp! Even that game without (at least so far) much in your face scary things and combat has me on edge.
      I tried “a Plague Tale” first and was instantly gripped by the story and the characters, but I just can’t seem to do it, lol. I get so jumpy and anxious, perhaps because I get so drawn into the world. I know I could just skip those games, but I’d like to play them. Does anyone have any tips to desentitise yourself? :D

      1. Ellen Ripley*

        Ahh that game looks so fun! Hoping to get it after I get myself a Switch for the holidays. How long did your first playthrough take?

      2. LimeRoos*

        oooh!! I just saw an ad for this! If you see this, please let us know more about it. I’m torn on buying it since I’m currently occupied with Cozy Grove but it looks so ridiculous and somehow whimsical…

    3. Anon5775*

      Shifting Stones is a fun, quick board game that is easy to learn and fast to play. kids that can’t read well would like it since there’s no reading beyond the rule book. As an adult I enjoyed it too!

    4. Richard Hershberger*

      My fourteen year old high school freshman has joined the gaming club, specifically a D&D game. We are running to the comics store this afternoon to get him set up with dice.

      1. Dont be a dork*

        Beware! Once you start buying dice it’s really hard to stop — you’ll need different dice for each new character, and if they get a different skill set you might need contrasting dice for that….

        My husband and I both game; I don’t know how many dice we have between us, but we’ve been playing since HS for him, college for me, so at least since 1981.

    5. Princess Xena*

      In gaming adjacent, I have started moderating a friend’s Minecraft stream! It’s been so much more fun playing with friends than playing alone.

    6. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve been loving the new season in Destiny 2. Pirates!

      A board game my husband and I tried out and have absolutely fallen in love with is Dice Forge. The first time setup is time-consuming, but the box and trays are designed so that the setup every time after that is ridiculously easy. The game is a good mix of strategy and luck, with a lot of ways to win.

      I finished the main campaign of Doom Eternal after a LONG hiatus. I then powered through the Ancient Gods Part 1 DLC. Sometime soon I’ll tackle Ancient Gods Part 2. I love the fast-paced gameplay of Doom Eternal, but I HATE the platforming. Overall, I prefer Doom (2016), but Doom Eternal is still fun.

      Does anyone have a friend that they find it difficult to play video games with? For me, the person in question is my husband’s best friend, though I am friends with him as well. The issue is that I like a moderate challenge, but I really don’t want to fail, so I will always prefer lower difficulty content if it means I am less likely to fail a mission. Friend loves super-high difficulty content with a high risk of failure. He gets bored when the content isn’t very challenging. Basically, I’m a Medium and he’s a Very Hard. It means that if we’re playing a game with difficulty options, either we meet in the middle on Hard (which neither of us is really happy with) or one person gets their preference and the other has to deal with it. My general strategy is to avoid playing video games with him, but I’d be interested to hear how other people deal with similar situations.

    7. Dont be a dork*

      Playing the family-friendly Wizard101 and Pirate101, but we are also doing a weekly Space 1889 game and the back gaming room has Gloomhaven set up for solo gaming for my husband. I’d play, but I have like 57 other things I also want to do in my far too limited free time.

    8. Jackalope*

      Still playing Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes. I’m having a lot of fun with it, although getting some of the maps on the highest level is a pain. But I recommend it to anyone who is a Three Houses fan.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        I’ve been dragging my feet on it because … IDK, the autistic brain is stuck on how 3 Houses is “the story” which is strange bc it’s 4 separate stories? I think it’s that I loved, loved, INHABITED Byleth so much that I can’t quite get into being Shez on my next journey to Fodlan. But I’m glad to hear it’s doing well.

    9. LimeRoos*

      I’m completely submersed in Cozy Grove and totally love it. The characters are hilariously weird and adorable. It’s been fun and really relaxing since it’s so easy to put down, which really surprised me.

      Also still playing D2R on the Switch. It’s been great just melting everything now. I’m really torn on respec’ing my IK Barb to work with Enigma, but I love the Immortal King set so much so I’ve been debating it for weeks.

      Stoked for the new MarioKart courses, I’ve only played the first 4 of the new ones so I’m totally ready for more challenges. Also debating getting Cult of the Lamb because it looks so silly and dark but whimsical. Oh! For non video games, we’re watching how the Villainous Star Wars version does because I’m disappointed by the baddies in the main set so I’m hoping the expansions give us Darth Maul.

  19. Anonymous Cat*

    Hello everyone!

    I used to have an active imagination and could write stories, but life kind of took over for years and I lost the spark.

    Now I’d like to try writing again but my imagination seems to have died.

    Does anyone have any suggestions how I can jump start that again?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Get plenty of sleep.
      Take a hiatus from social media and the internet in general.
      Read books that are fun for you, whatever that means.
      Make time to experience art and beauty- music, museums, parks, the beach, theater, movies, etc.

      You need to fill your creative tank.

      1. Falling+Diphthong*

        You need to fill your creative tank.
        As someone who’s struggled to recapture my creativity after a couple of pounding years, this resonates. Thank you.

    2. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      When you read, jot down lines/passages you enjoy or are provoked by.

      Free writing- 5 minutes of putting whatever on the page.

      And seconding the recommendation to put inspiration back into the tank instead of beating yourself up!

    3. mreasy*

      I joined a local writing group – a lot of them are doing virtual meetings. You can also take an online workshop or class that runs on your own time, where you will have deadlines and assignments to impel you to write. I’ve had luck with both of these.

    4. Sloanicota*

      I find that creativity is more of a habit than I would have guessed (it feels like a personality trait but it’s not). Part of it is the act of valuing and appreciating you own ideas. There are lots of daily creativity challenges you might enjoy, either through social media or in a book. Try to boost any creativity if writing isn’t flowing – art, photography, whatever – and stories will come.

      1. fposte*

        I just heard a composer who scores for film and TV say the same thing–the more he creates, the more ideas he has.

        For writing, absolutely use prompts. They’re fun! It doesn’t even have to be a formal prompt–take a concept from a story in print or other media and put your own slant on it.

    5. Sunshine*

      I have The Writers Way on my to do list. It’s a creatives self help book. Start the day with free writing. Weekly creative trip etc.
      The premise is creativity can be strengthened.

    6. marvin*

      Highly recommend A Swim in a Pond in the Rain by George Saunders. He uses a series of (translated) amazing Russian short stories to describe his take on the writing process. Not like any other writing book I’ve read. It’s really focused on cultivating a mindset that leads to creativity and self expression. I’ve found it really inspiring.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I would suggest that, if your imagination seems to have died, you start writing about things that don’t require imagination. Maybe about something like history, or just your knowledge of, and/or experience of a particular aspect of history or a particular subject. Maybe write about how you are feeling now and what’s going on in your life (like you were writing in a diary). See if that doesn’t jump-start your imagination.

    8. I take tea*

      I used to like to go sit somewhere and focus on describing everything around me. Don’t forget to include all senses, not just what you see, but what you hear and smell and feel. It’s not excactly creative, but when you get started, you can go on. I miss writing, haven’t done it properly for years, but this is how I got started when I wrote regurlarly.

      I like RagingADHDs tip, got to try.

    9. Girasol*

      Doing very short stories helped me. The practice forces me to do lots of small scale development of plots and characters. With little invested I can quit a story pretty easily and try a different idea. It’s made my writer’s blocks into writer’s bumps.

    10. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I’ve taken a few writing workshops recently and a few of them used a really simple but effective warm-up tool of making lists. Like, set a timer for 2 minutes & make a list of X, reset the timer & make a list of Y, & do that about 4 or 5 times. The list categories can range from specific to generic– a few I remember off the top of my head are:
      -animals
      -things that are sharp
      -sense words that make you think of winter
      -things you associate with your least favorite color

      After you have a set of 4 or 5 lists, you go back and circle a few items from each list that most interest you. You can then either be really intentional about trying to utilize all the items you circled in your writing, or you can then pick an unrelated prompt (again, this can be anything, but you can definitely google for some if you can’t come up with one) and just kinda keep the list words hanging out in your subconscious while you write.
      I think part of why it works well is that it’s SO low stakes, like, even the biggest procrastinator in the world (me!) can usually enjoy just, you know, making a list. Lists are the easy part! But while you’re chilling out making lists, your brain is getting its little creative gears turning without you even realizing it.

  20. The Prettiest Curse*

    I’m wondering whether anyone else who didn’t grow up texting their friends (I’m Gen X) has the same issues with it that I do.

    I really, really hate texting people one-on-one, because waiting for a response makes me nervous. It’s difficult enough for me to work up the nerve to text someone to start with (this is not an issue that I have with email – texting seems a lot more intimate than email to me), so waiting for a response just makes me twitchy.

    And if I text someone twice a couple of weeks apart and don’t get a response, I just assume that they don’t like me any more and never want to hear from me again. (I have no problem with group texts and frankly don’t care if people ignore my messages in that context.) But one-on-one messaging is just too intense for me in some way – and unfortunately, it’s really the only way I can keep in touch with most people that I met while I was in the US. Arghh!

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I tend to treat texting/chatting as like a background thing rather than a conversation, and I feel like my friends do the same. If something makes me think of the person I message them with no expectation of an immediate response, more just that it will be waiting for them when they get a chance. So a good portion of how I connect with texting buddies is just us dropping random tidbits into each other’s days, and then if we happen to be available at the same time we chat back and forth more normally but it’s okay if someone suddenly doesn’t respond for awhile. It’s very different from the online chatting I did as a teen when we didn’t have smartphones or wifi, or from a phone call or in-person socializing too

    2. RagingADHD*

      I didn’t grow up texting and really was a pretty late adopter as routine communication. I prefer it now, I think of it like postcards or post-it notes.

      But everyone is different. If you have your friends’ numbers, you can call.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      Is WhatsApp an option? I like the group texting options and how you can see if the messages have been read or if people are just not online. I also kind of like how you can just drop a meme or whatever into the group and there’s no specific pressure for one person to respond. Otherwise yeah, I am Gen X and I loathe texting, while also seeing the irreplaceability of it. Even WhatsApp is a bit arghhh for me, especially when group messages turn into the opposite problem of crickets, and start chirping all evening. Maybe set online get together times? Do something on zoom?

    4. Morning reader*

      I feel like we haven’t evolved a default assumption about what texting is for yet. Perhaps a direct conversation with your friend(s) you text with would be helpful. I usually text to convey information that needs to be in writing, like the address of where we are meeting. I’ll have brief conversations but anything more involved gets a phone call. I think of texting as asynchronous, that is, I wouldn’t expect an immediate response unless my message is something like “I’m parked in your driveway.” But some people use it more immediately and conversationally.
      I’m not following how it’s the only way to keep in touch with people for you.is it the preferred communication style of those people? Seems like a regular email exchange would be easier, with occasional phone calls or FaceTime.
      I’m boomer generation and do mostly one-on-one texts. Very rarely do group texts and they actually seem the most annoying to me, but then maybe I don’t have any groups where everyone is equally interested.

    5. Sloanicota*

      I will say it still bums me out to text my family a picture and not get a response, thus I want to do it less. I think they enjoy the pictures (?) but they forget to say that in text. If I haven’t texted lately I get inquiries and occasionally they’ll say in person later that they love all the pictures of my dog or whatever (?? you replied with stony silence to three pictures in a row??). In a mutually satisfyingly text relationship these little friction points don’t bother me as much.

    6. Hot Chocolate*

      I’m a millennial, but I didn’t get my first cell phone until college so I didn’t grow up texting. I’m much more comfortable with instant messaging and e-mail, I think because I’m much faster with typing on a keyboard than on a phone, and once I’m done I can send it off and not think about it.

      I mostly only use texting for informational purposes (if I need to ask or tell someone something, or I come across something I want to share). I don’t really use it for chatting or having conversations. There are a few people who, if I text them at all, I end up in a conversation that goes back and forth for over an hour (at which point I’m like, “Gotta go! Thanks for chatting!”) I second guess texting them now, lol. I don’t like being tied to my phone for that long because it’s distracting if I’m trying to do something else, and it’s awkward because I feel like I can’t just stop texting if they keep responding.

    7. fposte*

      I’m on the edge between X and boomer (depends whose demographic cutoff gets used), and I think we’re in an interesting but frustrating place when it comes to communication preferences. I kind of wish we could do a friend/relative quiz on their practices. Are you an emailer? Telephoner? Videochatter? Facebooker? WhatsApper? Written letter person? What’s your standard response time? What’s your hoped-for response time to your own messages?

      And I think sometimes you have to understand that a medium you don’t like is the price of contact with somebody and decide whether that works for you. I drifted from a friend who was Facebook only, and that was one of the reasons. OTOH, I will never, ever be a speedy return texter, as I have a strong reaction to what feels like urgent demands on my time; when I hear comments from people who feel abandoned by friends if they don’t hear back from a text quickly, I can tell that we would simply be unable to sustain a friendship.

      So I get you on the texts. Can you trick yourself into thinking of your texts as group texts? Or some non-FB Facebook posts?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I totally do that, actually. Once a year or so, I go through my contacts and send a message by what I think is the preferred method, to ask – hey, I’m just updating my contacts, is (this number/FB Messenger/email/whatever) still the best way to reach you or would you prefer something different going forth? Sometimes I get “this is great thanks” and sometimes I get “I took Messenger off my phone, can you switch to texting me at (number)? Thanks for asking.”

        1. fposte*

          Okay, maybe you will inspire me to do the same. This just seems like plain common sense when you describe it.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I don’t do it with people that I talk to regularly – like, my housemate or my best friend or whatnot. But people I only catch up with every couple of months or whatnot. It’s also my opportunity to let them know, hey, I stopped using Messenger, but texting or email is still fine. :)

    8. Russian in Texas*

      I am a Gen X-er as well, and texting and IMing is my favorite method of communication. Emails only happen when there is a need to share documents or itinerary or something of the sort, too long for a text or need a record.
      Phone calls only happen with the older family members.
      Everyone is different of course, I hate phone calls with a passion.

      1. Russian in Texas*

        The only group texts happen when it’s organizing something minor, like a movie outing. The only thinking group I have is a WhatsApp family group of my relatives in Russia.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      One thing I see around here is people getting “mad” at each other for not answering either a call or text. What is sad, is that cells just do not work well here. To contact me, you’d be better off hollering out your window than calling/texting me. I will probably not get your call/message. A friend had a cell for a while, it would take about 3 days to get a voice message or text message. By then the sender had moved on to other things. He got rid of the cell because he got tired of explaining his cell did not work at home and dealing with the lack of comprehension that followed.

      At my job, I see that people with cells do not set up voicemail and that is because the caller thinks the recipient will receive the message. And the recipient probably won’t. I estimate that at least 60% of the numbers I dial have no voicemail.

      I can honestly tell you this has squelched more than a few friendships. It’s just a technology issue not a friendship issue. But no one thinks of that and jumps to the conclusion, “Oh so-and-so is not talking to me any more.”

      I consider myself a boomer, but I am part of the last of the boomers. To me cell phones feel like electronic dog leashes or a ball and chain or something similar. I guess that is because in part you have to lug them everywhere with you and because they do not work in my own home where I really need them to work. It’s a PITA to drag around something that is fairly useless.

      And the icing on the cake, companies almost BRAG that areas like mine will NEVER have cell service. No money in it.

      OP, if you don’t want to use text, then don’t. Find other ways of staying in touch with friends and family.

    10. Making up names is hard*

      Think of texting as a less casual email or a readable voice mail. and if you don’t get a text back in a few weeks, realize it’s not them ignoring a conversation, it’s them being bad at keeping up with corespondence, especially if they feel the same way about texting as you do.

      I’m a millennial but I have a few lovely close friends who are horrible about texting. I’ve realized that they cant be counted on for last minute plans or help and to just assume it will take them at least 5 days if not two weeks to get back to me when I want to make plans. It does kinda suck, but I’ve talked to them about it and I know it doesn’t mean they are ghosting me, just that they’re bad about correspondence, busy, and also anxious so they put off replying.

    11. Rara+Avis*

      Also GenX. I tend to text only my family, and only for business — can you get more apples at the store? Coming to pick you up in 15 minutes, etc. but I was also never a phone chatter.

    12. fueled by coffee*

      I also think that there’s maybe a difference in how people use texting. I’m a younger millennial, so I’ve been texting since junior high, but I primarily use texting as an alternative to a phone call: I use it when (1) the information/question is too short to necessitate a phone call, (2) I’m somewhere where I can’t talk on the phone, or (3) I think the person might need time to come up with a response or might not want to respond at all (like sending condolences to someone who isn’t a very close friend/relative).

      But I’ve noticed that other people (including my Gen X mother, but I don’t think this is purely generational – I have friends my age who do this too) sometimes try to hold actual “just catching up” one-on-one conversations over text message. My mom will frequently text me “How’s your day going?” in the middle of the workday, which I tend not to respond to when I’m busy because I know it’s going to turn into an hourlong back and forth of exchanging basic updates about our lives (to be clear – I call my mother periodically! This is about a communication style mismatch, not me disliking her or flat-out ignoring her!).

      All of this is to say that if you are trying to have general hey-how-are-you conversations over text and you find some people being unresponsive, you might give something like “Hey, it’s been a while since we’ve talked! Do you want to chat on the phone sometime to catch up?” and see if that gets you more traction with these particular people.

      On the other hand, if you’re sending texts that ask for specific information in response like “Do you want to grab coffee on Sunday?” and not hearing back, your friends are being rude and this is not about you.

    13. Person from the Resume*

      Hmmm … a “problem” with text is that if someone reads it but it’s an inconvenient time to respond it’s marked as read and could buried. I understand what you’re saying but “I just assume that they don’t like me any more and never want to hear from me again” is an extremely socially anxious response more rooted in your brain.

      It’s also possible some of your friends do not prefer text as a way to stay in touch. I personally like texting but it’s hard to have long in depth conversations through it. Would email work better where it’s easier to write paragraphs?

      But mostly I’d say to try not let it get to you so much. Give your friends a few more more chances.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I don’t get nervous like you do, but I don’t much like texting. The text and get a response later is fine, but often if there’s an active text message conversation I’ll start getting annoyed by the text messages. Even if I want to talk to the person. My friends and family are therefore not surprised if I call them instead in the middle of a text conversation, which I do quite often.

    15. AGD*

      I’m Gen Y and didn’t get what used to be called a cellphone until college. Texting made me feel weird for a long time. These days I try to think of texts as tiny bonus little pieces of communication – there are so many ways they can be accidentally muted, overlooked, forgotten about, sent to the wrong person, etc. that all my psychology training says there are huge error bars on any of the conclusions drawn.

      Kind of like passing notes in class, minus the part about having to be surreptitious.

  21. Scot Librarian*

    Has anyone tried one of those huge cuddly fleece hoodie things (oodies, etc)? I want to get one as I get chilly while working from home and I’m a little overwhelmed with all the choice. I’m in the UK and I’ve looked at Oodies, Kudd.ly, various look the same on Amazon. Obviously, I’d prefer to pay £25 for the same quality as £69, but it’s all online so I can’t tell what I’m getting. I’d really like it to be super soft and very warm

    1. Despachito*

      I bought one in Primark’s sales for 5 EUR (ie 5 USD I guess) in Europe last year so don’t know whether this would be viable for you (I looked up and there are Primarks in the US).

    2. Kiwiapple*

      I have an oodie and whilst they are nice, they get very warm quickly and sweaty. There’s nowhere for the warm to go
      I would recommend getting a zipper fleece or dressing gown and cozy PJ’s and socks.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have had that same problem. I have fleece jamies and fleece sheets. For a while they were great then they just got too warm and too uncomfortable.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      My husband got me one for Christmas last year and I lived in it for the rest of the winter. It’s an Amazon one. Super warm and very cozy. I live in a really cold climate so I really appreciated it when it was -30 outside, it meant I could still hang out in the basement rec room without freezing to death or wearing 40 layers.

    4. DarthVelma*

      I have several in multiple lengths and wear a different one almost every day and have for most of the pandemic while working from home. Got mine on Amazon. The ones I really like are from Catalonia, Bedsure, and Felicigeely.

    5. AGD*

      Thanks for putting these on my radar – I’m in a cold climate and my house is drafty, so I’d like to get one of these for the winter!

    6. Nessun*

      My friend gifted me an Oodie (the actual brand) last year. it is amazing- so soft and comfy, and huge. I live in the north and it was amazing in cold weather. I also really appreciated that it was a little on the heavy side (there’s a lot to it), so when I put it in it was incredibly comforting – like being wrapped in a massive hug. I found it very relaxing to wear, or even just put it over my legs like a rug while I read.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I splurged on a winter equestrian skirt from Etsy (HorseRelatedGifts*) because I have comfortable wool sweaters but my legs kept getting cold. I can take it off fast to leave my desk… and that easy on/off makes it better than snow pants for snow shoveling.
      (*they’re in Ukraine and I’m so glad to see them still posting changes.)

  22. Mothman’s Uber*

    I normally really like true crime podcasts but, based on a recent string of nightmares, I need a break. So I’m looking for recommendations for any podcasts that aren’t true crime, especially stuff that’s laugh out loud funny.

    2. mreasy*

      How Did This Get Made, Normal Gossip, Sawbones, You’re Wrong About, Vibe Check, and Decoder Ring are my fave non-crime shows. HDTGM is absurdly funny! I have also been stepping away from my true crime listening and narrowed it down to only my few faves which incorporate other topics.

      1. Stay-at-Homesteader*

        You’re Wrong About is one of my favorites but it does have a lot of death/true crime. For me it’s a definite not-before-bed podcast. That said, I usually don’t like true crime and Sarah is only person I don’t mind hearing about it from.

      2. PollyQ*

        I LOVE HDTGM and agree that it’s extremely funny. One warning: it can be very, very NSFW, just so y’all know.

    3. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Couples Therapy with Andy & Naomi is comedy gold, while also getting surprisingly deep sometimes & giving people real, decent advice.

    4. Falling+Diphthong*

      Terrible Lizards, in which we discuss dinosaurs and their relatives. The most recent season focused on pterosaurs.

      Says You, the NPR word play show.

    6. Redhaired runner*

      Maintenance Phase, it’s a podcast about the ridiculous history and people involved in the diet industry. The hosts are very funny and do some good research about the topics they cover so you get to learn and laugh.

    8. anxiousGrad*

      I would also recommend listening to old radio shows from the 40s and 50s. You can find them on YouTube or, if you have SiriusXM, they’re on channel 148. Some of my favorite comedies are The Jack Benny Program, The Burns and Allen Show, Our Miss Brooks, My Favorite Husband (the precursor to I Love Lucy), and Fibber McGee and Molly. There are also some really great mystery/suspense shows that are anthology programs, so each episode is its own story (they’re also acted out and sometimes laughably melodramatic, so probably not as dark as true crime). Among those I like Suspense, The Whistler, and Inner Sanctum Mysteries. There are also a lot of great detective shows, like Adventures of Sam Spade, Yours Truly Johnny Dollar, Richard Diamond Private Detective, and The Saint. And if you like science fiction, there was a show called X Minus One which did radio plays of science fiction short stories.

    9. Dwight Schrute*

      My dad wrote a porno cracks me up every time. I also love stuff you should know, and detours for fun listening

  24. Weary of noise*

    Dealing with a flare up of tinnitus from Meniere’s. Sounds like a low pitched motor off in the distance. Going on for 2 weeks now. Fortunately no vertigo. Any favorite coping tips?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      No coping tips, alas, but I hope this clears up soon for you — hang in there!

    2. Sloanicota*

      Oh shoot like a month ago I saw a reddit post for tinnitus that was about tapping the skull and the comments were full of ppl exclaiming that it made a difference for them. I can’t seem to find the link, will keep searching.

      1. Doctors Whom*

        YES. Google “reddit tinnitus cure”. There is a video on YouTube.

        I have tinnitus -mine is ringing. The skull-tapping thing was the first time I have heard quiet in years. I literally cried real actual tears.

        It is not permanent, but it gives me several minutes of relief.

    4. Ann Ominous*

      Pippa K responded to you below with something that works for me and my partner too:

      Just learned this one recently, although apparently it’s been around a while: cover your ears with your hands (palms on ears, fingers around the back of your head). Then tap all your fingers rapidly against the back of your head while keeping your ears covered. Do this for maybe 30 seconds or so.

      I have only occasionally mild bouts of tinnitus but my husband has it more often and more severely, and this works for both us. Not a long-term fix but buys a period of silence or big reduction in the noise

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Hi Weary! We know our brains can ignore sounds, like our own heartbeat for example. Right now I can hear the fridge running, and the ticking of two different clocks, as background external noise. Sometimes when it is otherwise quiet I can hear a high pitched noise from the lightbulbs. The fridge has stopped running and I can now hear some distant traffic noise, and the sound of my cat starting to snore. Where we put our attention makes a difference.
      If you were listening to some quiet music, your brain might choose to ignore the tinnitus as yours is a steady, regular sound. If you are in a quiet environment and the tinnitus bothers you, you could try listening to a ticking clock, focussing on that. Or two different clocks, moving your attention from one to the other.
      You could read up on self-hypnosis techniques, for tips on moving your attention focus to other things. Many years ago I moved to a house on a main road, lots of trucks passing and braking and accelerating etc, and I couldn’t sleep. Someone told me to pay attention to the moments of quiet between trucks, rather than the truck noise. It worked, I was pleasantly surprised.
      Your tinnitus is part of your own very personal background noise, your own body just tootling along, it’s ok to tune it out a bit or a lot, and to focus on it less and less.

    6. Weary*

      Thanks everyone for the help! Makes me feel less isolated. I am getting hearing aids next week for chronic hearing loss (partly from the Meneire’s and that is also supposed to help.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      How’s your vitamin B doing?

      If I slide into eating a few foods that are allergy triggering or just eating to much sugar I end up with ear problems.

      It’s cooler out now and easier to forget to load up on water. Water goes into a lot of things, if you are having other aches and pains just reducing those might help with powering through the tinnitus.

      1. Dreary Doc*

        I have to watch salt, caffeine and alcohol because my tinnitus is from inner ear problem. I take b12 because vegan. Thanks.

  25. Sloanicota*

    How much do you think breed matters in a mutt dog’s behavior? Is there any value to those doggy DNA tests? When I got my mutt the shelter gave me their best guess of what he was based on his appearance, and I figured it didn’t matter much. Having read more about the breeds the shelter named, and joined some FB groups of fanciers, he doesn’t really match the behaviors described, but I’ve learned some really weird behaviors can apparently be breed specific (?). Also, “what is he” is the first question I get anytime someone sees him, so I’m slightly more interested in doing the DNA. But my gut still says it’s a waste of money and doesn’t matter even if you did trust the results.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think most ways it doesn’t much matter except in ways you’d probably have noticed regardless of breed. Like, a high energy breed, you’ve probably already figured out your dog is high-energy and knowing what breed he is doesn’t really much make a difference. My older dog is a member of a cohort for the Dog Aging Project, and they did a doggy DNA test for free as part of the project, and most of the predictions were either already pretty evident or wrong. Her breed was identified as mostly pit/boxer, which we already suspected, but I rolled my eyes a little bit at “6% mastiff” :)

      1. Sloanicota*

        This is my gut feeling. The dog seems to be a mix of working breeds so I guess it’s interesting to know if he’s doing X or Y because he’s trying to get sheep to the high meadow or whatever, but I have a hard time believing such things can be truly inherited, and either way I’m still just going to be working with him to do and not do the things that make sense in the burbs.

    2. Falling+Diphthong*

      The reason to do the DNA is if you would like an answer to “so what is he?” (Mostly Doberman and Dutch Shepherd, for one of ours.)

      At the breed level, if you’re getting a purebred it helps to know that your dalmatian will want a lot of exercise and your bulldog not so much. At the individual dog level, goldens can be aggressive; pit bull mixes can be mild mannered, and any mutt can be drawing behavior from Grandma A rather than Grandpa D.

      We did have an Aussie who diligently attempted to herd golden retrievers, so for Aussies specifically I’ve seen how much of herding behavior is hard-wired.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Right, this kind of thing! I find it fascinating that aussis or corgis have an innate drive to round things up even without training. And I guess if you had a one-quarter aussi that kept nipping at kid’s heels, it would be good to know he’s not just being a jerk.

        1. KatEnigma*

          And how the herding dogs herd even differs. Our GSD is definitely a nipper (fingers, not heels) but Rottweilers LEAN on cows to get them moving in the right direction, so when our Rottie mix is shoving us… Well, I tell her I’m not a cow and will pick my own direction, thanks.

          Even as a puppy of 3 months, our GSD would curve herself around our son (3 at the time) and try to protect him from the top of stairs when he was running around near our open basement stairs.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah, mine is a cross of a border collie and a great pyranean. These two are both shepherd dogs but they interact differently with sheep (herding vs guarding). There’s no way to know if his behaviors come from one breed, the other, or neither. As far as I know he has never actually interacted with livestock anyway.

            1. Anne Kaffeekanne*

              Ha, interacting with livestock reminds me: When I was a kid we had a British Sheepdog/Collie/German Shepherd mix and man some of those behaviours came through – she was not a working dog but we lived rurally and occasionally she would start rounding up cows on the fields when the instinct kicked in or step in to help if the farmer was there with his dog doing the round up. We never trained her for this she just knew what to do. Would’ve made a GREAT farm dog.

      2. Green Beans*

        I find a lot of people tend to assume that the dog behaves like the breed that it looks like too – so if they have an Aussie mix they love they’ll look for an Aussie even if the behavior they loved doesn’t match the Aussie breed standard. That’s why I don’t love DNA tests; they’re not accurate and they lead people to draw the wrong conclusions about what a breed is actually like.

        I think the worst of this I ever saw was someone with a Pyrenees mix – the pup was super social, energetic, loved hiking, really biddable so basically nothing like breed standard. Personality had clearly come from the “mix” part of his heritage. The owner was looking to get a purebred Pyr as her next dog because she loved the dog’s personality so much and wouldn’t listen to the numerous recommendations for breeds that would be much better fits.

    3. KatEnigma*

      I’ve found that most rescues are really, really bad at identifying mutts, even based on looks where it should be pretty obvious. Our first rescue they said was a Pekingese and King Charles Cavalier. Well, he might have been had a passing relation to a Cav, but a Peke is a pretty specifically shaped and furred dog and he had no characteristics in common with one! LOL He was primarily long haired Chihuahua and some kind of terrier.

      Anyway, certain traits are definitely built in, but as already noted, with enough of a mix, you can’t say which part of the DNA a dog is going to inherit which trait. Although herders are always going to try to herd and terriers are always going to go nuts over rodents. I’ve never had a dog DNA tested as I normally have better things to do with $100, but the people who adopted our Shepherd mix’s litter mate had her tested and then shared with the Foster who shared with us. These puppies looked like 100% GSD except our dog’s legs and paws were a lot bigger than would be normal. (So I had suspicions… LOL) The puppies are like 25% GSD, and 60% Husky and Malamute. If I had known I was adopting primarily a sled dog, I might have not. I grew up with a Siberian Husky, and the shedding I can manage, but the energy level is so very very high on a sled dog, even when compared to a GSD… But even there, you can never trust a Husky/Malamute off leash. NEVER. They love to run and run more than anything (other than snow) and they tend to escape and get lost because they’ll be far away before they stop, and not know how to come back. But our girl? She’s not at all interested in leaving our side. The clingy GSD overpowers the instinct to run and run.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Our dog was labeled a lhasa-poodle mix; he had slightly curly hair and a curly tail. A few months in we realized he was probably a Maltese mix instead – had that telltale angry Maltese face :)

      2. Russian in Texas*

        Not a dog, but my two ginormous (10lb each at 10 months), fluffy, chirpy, orange twin boy cats with ear tuffs and fluffy paws, were labeled as “Siamese mix” by the shelter. Whatever is opposite of a Siamese cat, they are that.

        1. eeeek*

          I’ve found that rescues tend to label any “vocal” cat as “Siamese mix,” as though that’s the only breed that chirps or yodels. /eyeroll

          My cat is a purebred steelpoint mouse-murdering badass who was surrendered because he yodels incessantly, so much so that the rescue warned me about how demanding it is to live with a Siamese. (I love him, and our long and interesting conversations…)

          1. Russian in Texas*

            One my Orange Floods talks non stop. He only ever stops when he sleeps, and sometimes not even then.

        2. VegetarianRaccoon*

          hm. Our shelter had Siamese mixes that didn’t look or act particularly Siamese, but the mother was a Siamese/mix. Or we were told by the surrender-er that the mother was. Perhaps that was the case with your boys, especially since they are vocal? Only a thought. Of course the important thing is that you love them :)

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah (nobody’s going to read this but) it’s amazing what different kittens can be born in the same litter – they can also have different fathers, to be fair. But I think that just goes to my point that appearance is a pretty poor predicter of “breed” anyway.

      3. Sloanicota*

        Ooh good example! Now you know the dog has malamute you may shift how you manage them in a different way than if the test had come back, say, Belgian Malinois. For pure bred dogs, particularly if raised say on a farm or pulling sleds or whatever, those breeds would be very different and you’d want to know the type of dog. But, your dog is a mix anyway, so we don’t really know what traits might have been picked up, rught

    4. Redhaired runner*

      We did one on the shelter mutt I had as a kid. It was fun to finally know what kind of dog she was . The other place it helps is the genetic screening a lot of the tests offer, knowing that your dog might be prone to bad hips or similar when they get older can be useful information.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It’s interesting to me about behaviors attached to a specific breed.

      A friend pointed this out when he saw my dog doing something. “Only Siberian Huskies do that!” I have forgotten what it was the dog was doing. I wish I could remember. I asked my friend later and he had forgotten also.

      I stay away from DNA tests. And it is because of my home owners insurance. They have a long list of breeds they will not insure. I have lived here 30 years and had dogs most of that time. No one, not even my husband and I, has ever been bitten. Yes, some of that is pure luck and some of that is because of the work we did with the animal. But the bottom line is I won’t keep a dog I am afraid of. I refuse to be afraid in my own home. But insurance companies don’t care about the details here. They just have a checklist to follow.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh I hadn’t thought of the plausible deniability angle. I do think my county has some crappy breed specific language. Yes, my dog trainer observed that huskies make and hold very direct eye contact, which is one reason my dog seems to specifically dislike them.

      2. KatEnigma*

        Since we got our Rottie mix from “Wisconsin Rott Rescue” there is no claiming she’s a Black and Tan Coonhound mix (not a lie. Let her spot a rabbit and the neighborhood is shown this) So we just go with Farmer’s or State Farm- whichever is cheaper. They don’t breed discriminate.

      3. VegetarianRaccoon*

        ‘Plausible deniability’ can also be a reason why shelters ‘get the breed wrong.’ We were all pibble fans, but insurance companies and HOAs may not be, so where there’s doubt…don’t borrow trouble, don’t label it as a ‘problem’ breed.

    6. Missb*

      When we adopted our “lab” puppy from a rescue group, it was clearly early on that he had some sort of bully mix in him.

      For insurance purposes (if it ever came up) we wanted to nail that one down.

      The mom was clearly a lab- the rescue group had her in hand as she was giving birth and when we picked up our puppy, she was still there at the foster’s house.

      Our little pup ended up having about equal parts lab and American bull dog (*not* pit bull) with the rest split between mastiff and Weimaraner.

      He’s a tall 100-lb dog with a broad chest. On the street, people identify him as a lab. Put him next to my sibling’s labs, and he’s definitely not lab-looking. He puts his ears back and he’s a bully. Standing guard, his broad chest stands out.

      He’s quite a big dog with a serious protective streak. He’s held people inside our gate right at the gate, if they’re silly enough to walk through without us meeting them. He won’t bite but he takes our protection seriously.

      Anyway, it’s fun and good to know what our mutt is.

        1. KatEnigma*

          “American Staffordshire Terrier” and “Staffordshire Bull Terrier” are the two AKC recognized breeds of “pit bull”, and more commonly “Pit bull terrier”

          An American bull dog is NOT a pit bull. They have almost nothing in common, other than someone thinking they’d both be good at helping humans handle bulls.

    8. Sorry*

      IF you want to do it for fun. I think that the breed gives a basis but behavior can be learned. My daughter was told her dog (rescue) was a lab/beagle mix of some sort. Turns out it was 50% American Staffordshire Terrier (pitbull), 1/8th German Shepherd, 1/8th Chow Chow, 1/8th Chocolate Lab, 1/8th so mixed as to be undetermined. Friendly dog who lives happily in an apartment and doesn’t like small dogs but does like/tolerates cats.

      1. Sloanicota*

        My favorite thing about my boy is that he’s so sweet with my cat! The dog fancier attribute this to him being a ‘guardian breed’ but it’s just as likely it’s just how it worked out for him.

    9. Dumpster Fire*

      We were interested in what our dog was made of so we’d have some idea of her eventual size (although it appears she’s going to be quite a bit smaller than the great pyrenees/st Bernard mix that makes up over half of her!). Something we didn’t count on was hearing from someone who adopted one of her littermates, and it has been interesting to share info about many behaviors they have in common.

    10. Gnome*

      i have a lab/beagle mix that hates water, won’t fetch, and doesn’t bay (or whatever it is beagles are supposed to do). I think behavior wise it’s a waste of money… just like a family can have two kids with wildly different behaviors and temperament, so can dogs. obviously, some breeds have tendencies, but these aren’t strict rules (and I’ve seen some glaring exceptions).

      yes, people ask. just tell them what you think or say “Heinz 57” or shrug. no need to spend your money to give random people a scientific-ish answer.

      my two cents.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      That’s a complicated question these days. My mom is tolerating chemo well after some initial (and scary) fevers, although she has lost her hair. In a few more weeks she’ll have another scan and we’ll know more. Right now my niece is here for a week, visiting both of us before she moves to Australia for a year, which is a good distraction. (This is M. of past niece posts, now 22.)

      1. AGD*

        Thanks for the update – I’ve been wondering too. Here’s hoping for good chemo results and well-being all around.

      2. Kittee*

        Thank you for the update. So glad mom is tolerating chemo. That’s a victory in itself! And I remember niece M, OMG how did she get to be 22? And thank you for enriching our days with amusing, informative, and empathetic posts on the weird world of work. Continuing to send warm thoughts your way.

      3. Free Meerkats*

        Glad to hear that your mom is doing reasonably OK.

        Does this mean we’ll have another round of Alison’s niece answers questions?

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I’ve told them that now that they’re adults, the moment for them to guest post has passed. The youngest (18) disagrees and she feels she has much to say, mostly about capitalism.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        I am glad to hear your niece is visiting- that’s good for all of you. I am also surprised that she is 22 now. Where did the years go? Does she read your blog?

        Your mom and you are in my thoughts.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I don’t think she does, but my younger niece (now 18 and and starting her first year of college in Massachusetts) does! She periodically texts me about something ridiculous she read on it.

        2. CharlieBrown*

          “Where did the years go?”

          My youngest is in his early 30s and makes more money in one year than I did from his birth year to when he hit double digits. Part of this is inflation, and part of this is his hard work. But still, when I think of him, he’s eight years old and asleep next to me on the sofa watching a goofy old movie. (Usually Mel Brooks.)

          Where did the years go? I have no idea. But they seem to go faster the older you get.

      5. Jackalope*

        Crossing fingers that the chemo does its job well and she’s able to tolerate it okay. And that’s exciting about your niece! Hope the visit goes well and youall have fun together.

      6. Avid AAM reader*

        Thank you for a glimpse into your life – after reading AAM so long, it feels like we know at least one side of you! Will hold good thoughts for your mom.

  27. Pippa K*

    Just learned this one recently, although apparently it’s been around a while: cover your ears with your hands (palms on ears, fingers around the back of your head). Then tap all your fingers rapidly against the back of your head while keeping your ears covered. Do this for maybe 30 seconds or so.

    I have only occasionally mild bouts of tinnitus but my husband has it more often and more severely, and this works for both us. Not a long-term fix but buys a period of silence or big reduction in the noise.

  28. WellRed*

    Has anyone sold anything on Poshmark. I have but unlike with other platforms, I can’t figure out if there’s a way to pause an item, say a winter coat over the summer and then relist in appropriate weather. Or does that even matter? I still get likes on it.

    1. Courageous cat*

      I have but I’m not sure. Why would you want to, if I may ask? If it sells, what’s it matter when?

      If it just feels inappropriate, keep in mind many people buy winter wear (or holiday stuff, etc) off season because they’re looking for it to be cheaper and less competition. There’s nothing weird offering it in the summer

      1. WellRed*

        I think it’s more likely to sell in the fall or winter. My limited experience has born this out. I’m just wondering if it’s “ buried” in some way in the site because it’s been posted for four months. For example on CL or FB marketplace you can renew or refresh listings. But I’m unclear how PM works and that may not matter.

        1. WellRed*

          Oh, I’d also like to pause items if I travel. I was away at Christmas and someone bought an item that per the site rules needed to be shipped within a certain timeframe of days. I sent it late and still had to rush to do it.

          1. Seltaeb*

            You can put all your items on a vacation hold if you’re going to be away or won’t be able to ship items for a period of time for whatever reason. Go to My Seller Tools, then choose Vacation Hold.

    2. Rosyglasses*

      Yep! I opened my closet a couple weeks ago and sold three things. I found that finding descriptions on the original clothing website and adding it in helped with moving things and researching my pricing comparisons.

      You might try doing a price drop or discount on shipping to move an item faster – you can send updates to anyone who follows your closet or special offers to folks that have liked the items. Good luck!!

  29. Trixie*

    Probably not surprising due to inflation but my car insurance is going up. No changes in my driving history, but am one year older. Considering trying one of the car insurance comparison sites, which I’ve avoided previously. Not a fan of sharing personal information. Has anyone had luck with those sites to gather quotes, or recommend just comparing directly on individual company sites?

    1. Heather*

      I’d recommend setting up a “burner” email and maybe a Google voice number to use if you don’t want your contact information “out there”.

      1. North Wind*

        +1

        I have an email address I use specifically for any type of potential junk mail situations. Like if I want to buy something from an online shop that I’ll probably only ever use once, or I want access to some article/newsletter but only for one edition. Anything where it seems like there’s a good chance my email address will be sold/shared to other marketers.

    2. Come On Eileen*

      I’ve used an insurance broker several times — they do all the heavy lifting for you and come back to you with the lowest quote for the coverage you want. They generally always save me money and there’s no cost to you to use their services.

      1. Miki*

        I was about to write the same: just a week ago I switched from one insurance to the other and saved $300+ per year by going through an insurance broker.
        Been paying the same for years, this time decided why not, I’ll go and get a quote on the coverage I have (car + home) and see if there is anything better out there. And it was so worth it!
        Highly recommend it!

    3. Squidhead*

      I am low-tech when it comes to this stuff, and I call another company and get a quote for the same coverage (with the same payment terms, because that can change your price). Then I call my original company back and say “XYZ Co has offered me the same coverage for $less, so I’d like to cancel.” This should get you directed to someone in their retention department, who will either be able to match the price (and then I stay) or won’t (in which case I leave, stay with the other company for a few years, then rinse & repeat.) It’s usually a couple days of back and forth, plus making sure the new policy has all the VIN numbers correct etc, but it’s worth it to me as we usually save several hundred. Occasionally I’ve been able to short-circuit the process by calling my current company and just asking them to review my policy as I am thinking of leaving. My current company will do this every 3 years but seemingly only if I ask.

    4. Russian in Texas*

      I’ve done this two months ago. Gone directly to the various insurance companies.
      Switched to GEICO from Progressive – Progressive was raising my premiums almost 20% for no discernable reason, and GEICO gave me a rate lower than the Progressive before the hike.
      One catch – I agreed to the driving assessment spying app to get the discount. It tracks only couple things – using your phone as handheld, and hard braking. In two months I got an excellent score from them and got a $98 refund for good driving.

    5. Sundial*

      We use a local agency (small multi-generational family place) and they automatically check all the options under their umbrella for us every time we come up eligible for a change.

      One benefit I didn’t know existed is that they re-wrote an existing policy, so we maintained our long-term customer discount, but also took advantage of the terms they were offering new clients. This is apparently only allowed to do every 3-4 years, but the concept was entirely new to me.

      This kind of business runs almost entirely on word-of-mouth in smaller towns, so possibly not helpful info if you’re in a large metro.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This has been my strategy. I use a local agency that has been around for decades. Here’s the key, you want an agency that uses many companies. Mine uses over 100 different companies. And this is how they are able to find the lower rates by having so many companies.

        A friend went to an agent that was only connected to 6 or 7 companies. His insurance crept up to about 1800 per year for two older vehicles. He changed to the local agency I am using and his insurance plummeted down to $800 per year. Which made more sense for what he was insuring.

        I am fan of having an agency that is local and has strong ties in the community. Then it is just a matter of how many insurance companies do they work with. The other thing that I have learned is that you have to change companies every few years (5-7?) because the rates keep going up the longer you stay.

        You can also check to find out what you can do to lower your insurance. The two things I do is take a driver’s safety course every 3 years and I avoid installment payments. There is a $5 charge for each installment payment made.

        1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

          I was going to suggest the safety course. How exactly it works depends on your state but I did those (all online) a couple times and it was worth the few hours of time in exchange for several years of discount.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Best move I ever made as far as insurance, was to call a local real-human insurance agent. My guy was recommended by a neighbor.

      They found bundles, discounts, and coverage options that would have taken me days or weeks of unproductive clicking and decision paralysis. Sent me 2 or 3 packages to compare, and I just picked one. No extra cost to use them. Saved me an excellent amount of money and even more hassle.

    7. Chaordic One*

      It certainly doesn’t hurt to try, and I would think that using a broker (who can get quotes from different companies to find the best rate for you) might be better than going to a website.

      OTOH, I’ve never had very good luck with these things. I have had the same car insurance company all of my life and it’s the same one my parents have, and the same that my grandparents had before them. All the way back to at least 1937. Anyway, the only time I ever found lower quotes, it was with weird companies that no one ever heard of and the quotes weren’t that much lower (like $7.00 lower every 6 months). So I still have the same old insurance company.

    8. North Wind*

      My car insurance with Liberty Mutual was set to take a big jump in 2019 when it was time to renew. I had been a customer for years and years with no at-fault accidents, and they had no interest at all in chatting to me about how to keep the rate lower.

      I don’t remember how I found it, but I ended up with a policy from Geico. It was a LOT cheaper, and since I was on a deadline I remember thinking I’d just take it and continue shopping (it renews every six months).

      Well, I did get into a car accident – was rear-ended by an Uber driver right around Christmas, and they were absolutely fabulous handling the whole ordeal. Trying to figure out how to navigate this guy’s insurance and what was covered by Uber or not, especially during the holidays, was looking like a nightmare. I was afraid to pay out of pocket for anything and later try to recoup that money, so I had Geico handle everything. They paid for everything I needed (rental car, repairs), I only had to deal with them and not whatever other insurance company the guy had. I was honestly worried that making any claim (even when not at fault) might cause my premiums to increase, but that never happened. Geico was completely easy and straightforward to deal with at every decision point.

      In fact, with the COVID lockdown and everyone driving so much less, Geico proactively let me know they would be reducing my rate since they had fewer overall costs to cover.

    9. londonedit*

      Massively late replying, but if you haven’t already try ringing your insurance company. My automatic renewal quote was about £80 higher than last year, despite no claims and no change in circumstances. Checking the price comparison sites didn’t really give me any hugely cheaper options. So I rang my current insurer, asked why the £80 increase and whether they could do anything about it, and they immediately said they could lower the quote to only £12 more than I paid last year.

  30. NoLongerFencer*

    Went to urgent care today, have bronchitis (from a cold baby gave me from daycare) getting meds, generally feeling self-piteous. Any fun ways to relax while sick? Currently reading Bridgerton curled up on the sofa with humidifier and tea.

    1. KatEnigma*

      Oh, bronchitis sucks. I used to get it every January until I moved to a less humid climate (and with the masking, didn’t get it back last winter when we moved to Houston) Be prepared for that cough to linger… when they say 8-12 weeks, they do not exaggerate.

      When I’m sick I usually play mindless games on my phone. Bubble poppers are usually about what I can handle.

    2. Choggy*

      Commiserating here as I have the same, been doing lots of reading and watching tv. The boredom is definitely getting to me.

    3. Paddy O'Furniture*

      Sometimes a hot bath can feel nice, maybe with bath oil or a scented bubble bath added. The steam will hope open your sinuses and the heat can help with any achiness.

    4. bright as yellow*

      When I’m sick, my eyes are too tired to look at screens or sometimes even read books, so i usually pass time listening to music, audio books and/or podcasts.

      There’s a thread earlier on this page with podcast recommendations

  31. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Am I the only one who thinks that adding a score changes the whole feel of a game?
    Today’s Washington Post Hurdle added a score. I don’t know if I saw that just because my phone changed or if it’s new.
    It was nicer for me as a personal challenge…just did I do it or not. Now I might not go back.

    1. Falling+Diphthong*

      This is a whole thing for me with online games–I just want a puzzle to solve. I don’t mind if there’s a generous timer (I haven’t done anything in 15 minutes, so they figure I’ve left) but I don’t want to race the clock, race other people, etc.

      I noticed after I solved today’s it showed me my recent history, which I think it used to do and then stopped?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And their Mahjongg solitaire being timed also makes it less meditative than it could be.

  32. Invisible fish*

    Recommendations for sheets- specifically, brands and where to buy them:

    Needs:
    – king sized option
    – to remain as crisp and unwrinkled as possible despite being used by someone who just wads everything up around herself in sleep
    – cotton
    – decently high thread count (I’m a linen slob and proud of it.)

    Do not want Jersey type materials … no stretchy materials! Those just get tangled!

    2. the cat's ass*

      Garnet Hill and The Company Store have awesome crisp percale sheets AND a white sale after the December holidays.

    3. KatEnigma*

      For lower cost, I like the ones from Ikea. They seem to be made of some sort of poplin, so keep their snap. They aren’t advertised as high thread count, but they are strong and FEEL like high thread count.

      On the other end of the spectrum, I hate spending $200+, but the Vera Wang sheets that Kohl’s sells have no comparison that I’ve found… THICK. OMG. And the pockets are DEEP, like really deep, and don’t pull off the mattress.

      I tried the Target ones that everyone raves about, and they weren’t bad (not as wonderful as people go on about, but fine), except they attracted pet hair like crazy.

    5. HBJ*

      The best we’ve had have been LLBean, but they’re also very expensive. Recently, we got Target sheets. My big thing with sheets is they have to have good elastic. We’ve only had the Target sheets for a few months, but so far the elastic is like new. We’ll see if that lasts.

    6. Elle Woods*

      I love the Threshold 400 count cotton sheets from Target. Deep pockets, good elastic, remain reasonably unwrinkled. Like that they’re reasonably priced too.

      2. Sorry*

        Second Threshold. Only caveat is that they do not work on mattresses as thick as they claim. The website said 18″ and the label on them said 16″.

    7. Buona Forchetta*

      I wait for really good sales online at Boll & Branch. I’m very picky about sheets and need them to stay cool at night. I just purchased sheets online from Cozy Earth that were 50% off through Good Morning America Deals. I haven’t received them yet but my friend loves them.

    9. cleo*

      The Wrinkle Guard 400TC Cotton Sheets at JC Pennys! I just bought our second king set.

      They were recommended by the NY Times Wirecutter column and they are amazing. They’re cotton sateen so they’re very soft and smooth, which is important to me. And they don’t wrinkle much. I just checked our unmade bed and the sheets aren’t creased at all – just a little wrinkled.

      The price is right too. Honestly, the price is so reasonable that I might not have bought them without a recommendation – but so far they seem to be high quality.

    10. Clisby*

      I don’t know how to reconcile “crisp” and “high thread count.” In my experience, the only way to get crisp sheets is to go with a really low thread count. I love the kind I get from Vermont Country Store – 250 thread count.

  33. noncommittal pseudonym*

    Warning – pet death mentioned

    I lost my beloved dog, Cimmy, after a brief illness on Thursday. I’m still reeling. It seemed like an average enough ear infection, and was treated promptly, but then other symptoms showed up, and I couldn’t get an appointment with a neurologist for close to a month. I probably won’t ever know exactly what happened, but I’ll always second-guess myself, wondering if there was more that I could have done.

    This is the first time I’ve been without a cat or dog since 1995, and I’m not coping well. The hours is eerily silent (I live alone). I’ve found myself endlessly scrolling through Petfinder, but not being in love with any of the adorable dogs on there – they aren’t Cimmy. Just for practical reasons, it would be better for me to wait to adopt a new dog until the semester ends in December, so that I would have close to a full month to bond before spring semester starts. But I’m not sure I can wait that long. And I’m not sure how to choose a new dog. Cimmy came into my life because he was darting into 70 MPH traffic, and I pulled over and told him to get in the car, which he did. You can’t really replicate something like that.

    So, I guess, my questions are: How do I get through this? How soon is too soon? How to choose?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Big hugs to you. We lost our dog last December and it’s still hard sometimes. He used to get the gristly bits of chicken I was shredding for dinner and I still want to give it to him.

      Give yourself a little time to grieve, but I totally understand wanting to fill that void with a new dog. Don’t rush into it -I think the right pup will come along.

    2. the cat's ass*

      I’m so sorry about the unexpected loss of your Cimmy. When one of the Best Cats Ever departed a few years ago, i was bereft, and none of the perfectly lovely rescue kitties i looked at touched me at all, because they weren’t the Best Cat Ever. I think it takes the time it takes, and realizing that you’re not replacing Cimmy, who is irreplaceable and needs to be mourned, but filling the dog-shaped hole in your heart. You will know when it’s time. Hugs from a random internet person, if you would like them.

    3. Mari*

      You might consider fostering a cat or dog from a local shelter. It would help with the quiet without feeling like you’re immediately looking for a replacement.
      Sorry for your loss.

      1. AlabamaAnonymous*

        I second that suggestion. Fostering gives you that companionship but it’s not a permanent commitment, unless you decide you want it to be. And I am so sorry for your loss. Its always tough.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I had waited years to buy a house so I could get a dog. Our first dog died in an accident when she was a year and a half old. I was gutted. Like someone took a baseball bat to my knees, I was just a pile of mush.

      We went out and got another dog right away. I brought the new pup home and did nothing but cry. Would I ever learn to love this new pup? I felt sorry for the pup because his new mom was a mess.

      The new pup turned into The Dog of My Life. He was the best dog. I had him for just over 14 years. I did not think it was possible to find a pup that would capture my heart so hard.

      I learned something. Pets pass out of our lives. But our ability to love does not stop. That is why you have all this sorrow, because your ability to love is still intact. (If we did not love there would be no need to cry.)

      My husband passed and a few years later Dog of My Life passed. I knew what I wanted to do. I went out and got another pup (pup #3). This time I held the new pup and said, “I now know I am going to love you, too.”

      Pup #3 is now 13 years old. Since I am older too, I know my next dog will be smaller, something I can lift. The way the math works on this one, the next dog might be my last dog.
      I would not trade the sorrow at the end for all the joy and comfort over the years.

      I believe that pets serve us and support us in some ways. I also know that while all losses hurt, some losses can hit especially hard like my first dog hit me hard. But it did not stop me from wanting a dog.

      “How do I get through this? How soon is too soon? How to choose?”

      Go one day at a time. The empty house was my deciding point.
      I went out a week later and got a new pup, both times.
      Dog of My Life was picked because of his ability to calm himself. He was surprised when I picked him up, but once in my arms he settled right in. Maybe it’s a misconception but I felt the pup would grow into a dog that would work at calming himself if an upset occurred. And he did.
      Pup#3 picked me! I reached in to the bin with 6 littermates. Five of them ran off to the sides, Pup #3 went up on his hind legs and reached for me with his front paws. I took him home.
      Go in person, take a friend with you. You can’t really get personality by looking at pictures.
      I always have gotten rescues. I prefer mutts anyway. So those choices were in place already for me. I do recommend taking someone with you because this can be emotional. It’s good to have company.

      YMMV. You could be reading all this and say nooooo. Then that is your answer. Only you know what would work best for you.

    5. KR*

      I agree with the others that fostering is a good move if the empty house is getting to you. You can be a short term foster or a long term one. You could also look into pet sitting. Just be careful with fostering – you might fall in love and be a “foster fail”.

    6. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. There is no time limit on grief. After saying goodbye to pets, I’ve had to take it one day at a time. It takes time to adjust to this new normal and don’t feel like you need to rush anything.

      All my cats have come to me unexpectedly too – like literally showing up on the doorstep. So I understand how it can be difficult to chose a new pet.

      I agree with the suggestion about fostering. You are helping an animal, but aren’t committed long term if it doesn’t feel like the right pet for you. But again, don’t feel like you need to rush into anything.

    7. Dreary Doc*

      I’ve heard that you should go ahead and adopt when you are going about your normal routine rather than a vacation or other time off so the pet is used to that. We lasted 2 weeks after our second dog died till we found puppies at the pound. They are now 7. Best wishes and condolences.

      1. Houndmom*

        We lasted three days after our dog died. We just could not stand the silence. You can continue to mourn the dog that passed while you love the newest one. I find each dog captures a phase in my life that she fits into. So no dog relationship but all match where we are in our lives.

        Hugs from the internet.

  34. marvin*

    Does anyone else have an irrational aversion to certain words? I really hate the word “food” although it’s hard to explain why. There is something about the genericness of it that makes it kind of disturbing to me. I realize this is weird so I never talk to anyone about it.

    Does anyone else have something like this?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I hate the word “moist” :-P also “relax,” but that’s because of specific individuals and the way they used it.

    2. WellRed*

      I don’t hate the word food so much as I agree that it’s too generic. Like, when people say “I’m going to make some food,” it just annoys me. Make lunch, make burritos, roast a chicken.

        1. WellRed*

          Nope, I don’t like meal either. Or treat (see further down). I promise I don’t hate food but I definitely don’t like generic food words.

      2. marvin*

        I think you and I are aligned on this issue. I also get annoyed by a lot of descriptive words like “yummy,” “mouthwatering,” etc. Recipe blogs are a real minefield.

      3. Cohort of Concern*

        On the topic of that word, I hate it when people say (or write) “I’m going to whip up some x” when making x does not involve whipping. So annoying!

        1. WellRed*

          Well then we need to discuss all the “throwing” people do when they cook. Did they really throw it in pot and then throw it in the oven? I don’t think so!

    3. fposte*

      For me it’s often the convergence of usage and orthography/pronunciation. “Popular” just sounds super-stilted to me, and there’s at least one other P heavy word that I dislike. “Puppy,” on the other hand, is fine, especially if you say it like Tom Haverford.

        2. Lore*

          I hadn’t realized I felt that way about “doggo” until you said it and I totally do. “Doggie” is less annoying but still not ideal. “Kiddo” also irks me a bit especially as a plural so maybe it’s just that style of abbreviation?

    5. AwesomeRosenGilMom*

      Serious aversion to the word ‘tasty’, possibly for similar reasons, I mean, doesn’t everything have a taste, even if it’s bland or cardboardy or such? Seems like a completely meaningless word to me

    6. Sloanicota*

      I kind of hate “baby words” coming from adults, like yummy/ tummy, and lately my bete noir is “comfy/uncomfy” when used in that new internet slang way. However I realize it’s really a me problem.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Well, that’s you and me both! I don’t like “belly” either, though unlike “tummy”, I can’t get away with not using it when I have to mention the body part.

      2. Nack*

        I agree on baby words! My MIL refers to me as “mommy” when talking to/about my kids and I HATE it. Ick. It grosses me out. I will happily answer to mom, mama, ma, mum, anything but Mommy.

      3. E. Chauvelin*

        Same, baby words in conversations between adults.

        Also “mentee” is one I just can’t make myself get on board with. I normally try not to be a prescriptivist but that one’s not happening for me. Mentor was an ancient Greek mythological guy’s name, not a word meaning “one who ments,” and protegee is right there when you need the inverse.

    7. September*

      “Treats,” when someone brings cookies into the office or something. I love the “treats,” but I find the word very annoying.

    8. Sundial*

      I have Opinions on words and I could talk your ear off on this topic for an hour. Then your aversion would be to me, talking. I spend my weekdays arguing with stakeholders who get invested in phrases merely as a power trip (I work in UX) so I’m now programmed to have strong feelings about random combinations of letters.

      Words I loathe because I hate the sound of them: sewage, tasty, tummy, doggo, biscuit, wealthy, tube, stain.

      Word I loathe because of its usage: wearable. If you’re trying to describe jewelry/clothing/makeup to me and you tell me it’s “wearable” you should immediately quit copywriting and drown yourself in your own toilet. The capacity to WEAR these items is the bare minimum bar you have to meet to sell them to consumers without regulatory intervention, do not tell me “Hey, cool feature on our product: it’s feasible and safe to use it as intended!” If you’re trying to say that it’s more comfortable than the competition, or easier to apply, or requires less maintenance to keep in new condition, just say so.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Wearable usually means you can wear it more often, as in it’s not a special occasion item but can be worn anytime.

    9. AGD*

      I have a few, but they’re bizarrely specific. I’m a cognitive science person but have no background in this sort of immediate disgust response, though it really intrigues me!

    10. Elle Woods*

      It irritates me when people talk about their kids as “the bigs” or “the littles” or their grandkids as “the grands.” It’s too cutesy for my liking.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I have decided there’s no good way for internet people to refer to their children. They pretty much all annoy me after a while.

      2. Generic+Name*

        Ha, I’ve always disliked the term “hubbie” instead of husband. Written out is better than saying it, because I get that it’s shorthand for a long word, but hearing people say it makes me cringe for some reason.

        1. WellRed*

          I have a coworker refer to his wife as wifey. I cringe because it sounds too intimate. Maybe because my mom had a copy of Judy Blume wifey, with a naked woman in the cover.

          1. L. Ron Jeremy*

            I call my wifey honey buns. She don’t mind cuz she call me meaty man. It’s all in good fun, really.

    11. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      I wouldn’t call it an aversion but sometimes I hear the word “sleep” and spend a while thinking about just how weird the word sounds to me.

    13. Four of ten*

      Opaque
      To me it implies you can see through it even though it has the opposite meaning. I have to think about it each time I encounter it.

    15. Chaordic One*

      Yeah, the word “food” kind of bugs me too. So does “foodie”. The word “food” makes me think of “soylent green.” It could mean all sorts of things from generic slop up to obscure gourmet dishes.

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “Finer” foods. Finer than what — army food?? my high school cafeteria’s swill? Or finer than flour?
      For usage, it’s “gifted” as a verb replacing “gave”. For my Gen X self, “gifted” is linked to accelerated student programs.

    20. Sloanicota*

      Oh one more I was thinking about this today and I hate – hate – hate when people use “gift” meaning “give.” “He gifted me a car.” Wut. I hate it.

      1. allathian*

        Ooh, so true!

        Another pet hate of mine is “loaned,” which should be “lent”, as in, “I forgot my purse at home and a coworker lent me some money, I’ll pay him back tomorrow.” I accept that “loaned” may be perfectly acceptable in some dialects, but it just grinds my gears.

    22. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I don’t think I have any aversions to real words, but any time a business starts a word with a K when it should be a C or a Q, I absolutely lose my ENTIRE ability to be chill. I can’t even stand to look at that rice pudding brand Kozy Shack at the grocery store because it just grosses me out so much that they spell it with a K. And I love rice pudding! And am too lazy to make it! I am literally the target audience, but I just cannot handle it.

    23. TeaFiend*

      Even if it’s small children saying it, I really dislike ‘mummy/daddy’. I also dislike ‘barf’ and ‘sexy’.

    24. Empress Ki*

      I hate the words have and sex put together. I am too romantic for this way of speaking. Have lunch, have a shower yes… But have sex.

    25. Lore*

      I ran errands after reading this yesterday and realized my huge pet peeve at the moment is “face covering.” Call it a mask ffs! A Halloween mask is a face covering. A bridal veil is a face covering. A niqab, a goalie mask, those clear plastic shields.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        During the pandemic, I was shopping in Germany and asked for face masks. The shop assistant asked whether I wanted cosmetic treatments, or a face and nose protector.

    26. Lifeandlimb*

      I hate it when people say “cukes” to refer to cucumber. It sounds gross and wrong for some reason.

  35. Kara Danvers*

    What are your hobbies?

    Mine are in flux right now, and I like hearing about stuff other people find fun :)

    1. Nessun*

      Deadlifting, Tarot reading, PC gaming. Looking to expand to pen lettering in the near future, and trying to get back into cross-stitching.

    2. Stay-at-Homesteader*

      Crocheting wasn’t working for me because of carpal tunnel and my drive to sit down and do it for hours on end (despite not having that time), so I recently picked up watercolor and surprisingly love it!! it’s really easy to leave out and sit down and noodle with, get up (it often needs time to dry anyway) and then come back to later. It fits my current life-stage nicely and doesn’t take up much space, plus I already feel like I’m learning and getting better, which is extremely satisfying. and I can do it with or without a podcast, depending on my noise tolerance after a day of wrangling very loud children. And I have enough family members that I feel safe sending slightly (okay, very) wonky paintings to but I can paint for fun or I can do it with a goal and gift it.

    3. Free Meerkats*

      Waving flags at racecars. In my case I started because I was racing and crashed my car. During the time I was repairing it, I already had weekends at the track planned and asked who needed help. I ended up working a corner and haven’t been on track racing in 17 years now. If I wanted to go, I could work a reasonably local race every weekend during the April to October season. As they say, “I came for the racing and stayed for the people.” Once I had the car repaired I immediately sold it.

      My other hobbies that are related to each other are costuming, cosplay, and competing in costuming competition.

    4. Anon5775*

      Baking and making art for my stairwell. I bought a large canvas and painted it various shades of blue. I’ll do some splattering of gold next. And I want to do a large paint pour for in my bedroom. And lots of reading. There are so many good books out there!

    5. Frankie Bergstein*

      Does running count? I just joined a running group and am really enjoying running and meeting new, local folks.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Running definitely counts as a hobby! Not a runner myself, but I do consider cycling to be one of my hobbies.

    6. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’m a mosaic addict. I do send pieces to exhibitions, undertake commissions, and sell smaller pieces at a local store but it’s still just a hobby. I’m not sure I’d enjoy it if I was trying to make a living from it. So that takes up most of my spare time. I’ve also recently started sewing again, after a long break, which I’m really enjoying. The only problem with the sewing though is that I don’t have a dedicated space for it, so it involves dragging everything out and then putting it away again afterwards.

    7. Princess Deviant*

      Collecting eyeshadow palettes and watching makeup videos on YouTube.
      The usual reading, writing, swimming, watching TV shows on my laptop.
      The occult, like astrology and tarot.
      I just realised they’re all very solitary hobbies!

    8. MEH Squared*

      Taiji (tai chi), especially the weapons such as sword, saber, double saber, and more. PC gaming, especially FromSoftware games (Elden Ring, Dark Souls III, etc.). Writing , including fiction, blog posts, and currently working on a memoir. I used to read a great deal, but I haven’t done it as much lately.

  36. Sunflower*

    Has anyone found a product that actually helps create more ‘natural’ looking light? I don’t get great light in my bedroom and I’ve recently needed to start working at my desk in there and it’s affecting my mood. I have a lot of mirrors in my room and my general decor is white/beige with metallic hints which I think helps also. I’ve seen some lights and bulbs on websites promising to mimic the look of natural light but do they work? I have a ceiling fan with 4 light bulbs and my room is relatively small and narrow but I do have room for 1-2 standing lamps

    1. fposte*

      I really like my sunrise lamps. You can turn them on any time during the day as well and can dial down their (extreme) brightness as you wish.

    2. it happens*

      It’s the bulb! You can replace the bulbs in your ceiling fan. Figure out what “natural” means to you. Is it bright blue daylight? Or old-school warm incandescent orangey? There are LED bulbs at both ends of that spectrum. You can also get adjustable LED bulbs (I have LIFX) and panels that allow you to change the white temp ( or go crazy and add full spectrum colors) from your phone.

      I have a windowless room with this same problem. Added a realllllly big LED panel to make a faux window (including sheers and drapes) and now simulate sunrise and sunset on it. And a mirror on the perpendicular wall to throw light around the room.

      Light is soooo important. Keep futzing til you get it, you will be happy when you find the solution.

      1. Angstrom*

        Yes! Look up “light color temperature” to learn more about the range of “natural” light and how to reproduce it.
        We found that we like different color temperatures for different purposes. Cool “daylight” (noon)is good for tasks or where color accuracy is important(art, crafts), but it can feel harsh. Warmer light– like early morning or evening light –feels more cozy.

    3. Girasol*

      I hate a ceiling light no matter the bulb. There’s something about that overhead glare that just squicks me: that cheap motel room feeling. Give me nicely shaded table and floor lamps first and then I’ll consider the color. (LEDs come in so many shades now!)

  37. Charlotte Lucas*

    I didn’t see a What’s Cooking? thread, so I’m starting one.

    Very excited because I am taking part in a chili cook-off this week!

    I’m a vegetarian, so I plan to make a sweet potato chili that also includes pineapple, apples, & kidney beans. So, a nice start for fall.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I will post it next week & let you know how the cook-off went. (Never been in one before – it grew out of an icebreaker for a work team. That’s what I call an effective icebreaker!)

    2. GoryDetails*

      The downside of the cooler weather is that my container gardens are slowing down. But I still have some nice harvests of eggplants, tomatoes, and peppers, plus the Swiss chard. I went simple last night with sauteed eggplant – I really enjoy it as-is, especially the fresh-picked, tender ones.

      I’ve also done some quick-pickling, a handful of gherkins (the last of the cucumbers) and a couple of jars of chard stems (which look beautiful – those Bright Lights colors show off well in the jars).

    3. beep beep*

      We have a big bag of Granny Smiths that need to be cooked with soon, but I don’t really like apple pie, so I took a friend’s suggestion and hulled them out, filled them with condensed milk, and baked :) the condensed milk turned caramel-y and the apples are the perfect soft texture. Now I just need to plan for an actual dinner…

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The teenager broke out the cookie recipes from past harvest fair competitions… I reorganized my pantry to find the cocoa powder to enable chocolate crinkles.

  38. September*

    So… the family next door has a child who is learning to play the drums. Our houses are very close together, and I can hear it plainly throughout the house. The drumming doesn’t usually last too long at a stretch (30 minutes or less), but that pounding has really become disruptive, and I dread hearing it start up. Would you say anything? I don’t know the family well – we just kind of say hello as we pass. They are very generous in sharing their backyard fruit with us, which will make me feel like a jerk if I say something. As you might have guessed, I’m a very socially anxious person, and I have a terrible fear of being disliked, especially by people who I come in contact with so often, so I try to be accommodating.

    I also don’t have kids myself, and I don’t want to be inconsiderate to the parents. No one else seems to mind (or maybe they’re just not saying anything), but when outdoors you can hear it way down the block. I wouldn’t expect them to be quiet all the time, of course, I’m just hoping they could do something to stifle the sound. A friend who is a drummer has said that pads can be used for this purpose. Anyway… what would you do? Say something or try to let it go?

    Oh, and I was hoping the drums would be a passing interest, but it’s been going on a while, and the practicing has increased a lot in the last few months.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I do try to give neighbors the widest possible leeway because, well, communal living demands a lot of tolerance. However, I wonder if you might make a specific request of what *would* work best for you – rather than just asking for something that’s probably a no-go like ” practice less.” Is there a day or time you are, or could be, reliably out of the house? Perhaps you could tell them Tuesdays are a great day for lil Ringo to go all out, but request quiet time on Wednesdays after four in return?

    2. Sundial*

      My neighbor child was a saxophone player who went to a music charter school. I was ready to claw my face off from listening to him practice Christmas songs all summer long.

      I didn’t say anything because he practiced during the hours our town allows noise. If he’d started too early or too late, I would have said something. But I couldn’t justify complaining when everyone else was outside making a racket with gas-powered lawn equipment, too.

      Now he’s grown and sells insurance, and hasn’t touched music in years. Eye roll.

      1. September*

        On the other side, there’s a piano player, so I hear a lot of out-of-season Christmas music too. I’ll definitely take the piano over a saxophone though!
        The fact that it hasn’t been too early or too late is what has been keeping me from saying anything as well.

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      There are things called practice pads to mute drums. Do they have them? It would be fair to ask him to use them.

      My downstairs neighbor routinely gets up early to practice guitar & sing scales. While I admire his dedication, he’s… not that good. I feel your pain.

      2. September*

        I think they can’t have them – it’s just so loud. And same here, sadly not that good (yet?).
        At least he hasn’t taken up singing scales. That would be tough!

    4. fposte*

      How long per day are we talking about, and what hours? Are the windows in their house closed or open? What about the windows in yours?

      My feeling is that practice pads all the time are a lot to ask, but you can ask for specific times or situations, and hell, the parents may be delighted to learn about the existence of practice pads. If their windows are open, you could tie it to that–“with the warmer weather and open windows, would it be possible to use these to mute the sound?” or tie it to specific times, like before 9 on weekends or whatever. But I’d also invest in some earplugs for myself.

      1. September*

        It’s never for very long at a stretch (usually about 20 minutes), but it’s several times a day. Part of what gets me is that I never know when it’s coming. I’m thinking it’s a good time to relax and read a book… but then I hear it starting up. They do keep their windows open during nice weather, and I would like to as well, but I often keep them closed for this reason.

        It’s never at inappropriate times though – just inconvenient for me. I work from home, so sometimes I think that would be the time I’d ideally like it more quiet. But then on the other hand, it often makes making dinner after work a lot less enjoyable, especially because my kitchen is the closest to their house. Maybe I need to find some earplugs!

    5. Alexis Rosay*

      I think it’s very reasonable to ask a kid to use pads or other ways of muting the sound. Part of living close to others is not having the right to make as much noise as one might want.

      However, I will also say that 30 min or less isn’t very much if it’s once per day and and not too early or too late. I would probably just go for a walk or something if I knew they’d be done by the time I came back.

      1. September*

        My frustration with it depends a lot on what I’m doing at the time. Yesterday, I was really trying to concentrate, so it was pretty aggravating. If I’m washing the dishes or something, I might hardly notice.

        I recently noticed that the kid wears ear protection when he drums… so maybe the pads wouldn’t be too much to ask. It does feel awkward to me though. Maybe I can send an anonymous gift of pads to their door! No, I’m kidding – I wouldn’t really do that, but I’ll dream of it.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          that ear protection might be a band/orchestra practice recording he’s going to be accompanying.
          Since you say it’s the unexpectedness that’s hard, maybe give his parents your cell phone# and ask them or him to text you so you don’t start a nap or a business call?

    6. Newbie*

      I am very, very thankful for my neighbors growing up, for many reasons, not least of which is that they listened to a whole bunch of young-me learning my instrument (which I went on to play professionally) with the windows open and were never anything but encouraging.

      Let it go. Childhood is short and kids are always being told what not to do. Yes, there are pads (just like there are mutes for other instruments) but they change the feel of playing and I’m sure he doesn’t enjoy it as much.

      2. Generic+Name*

        This is more where I land. I lived above a child who was learning the trombone, and I actually enjoyed listening to them practice. They were understandably terrible, and I don’t recall ever hearing anything I would call a song, but I never minded the noise. But I’m apparently very tolerant of child or pet generated noises. My dog loves squeak toys and I don’t get annoyed listening to her squeak incessantly. :)

      3. lissajous*

        It’s the fundamental problem of all music learning. Practice is always going to sound not great, because the whole point is learning the stuff you can’t do yet. It’s usually worst for absolute beginners because they’re still learning how to make the instrument sound properly (the classic stereotype is violins, for the entire first year), but it applies for the whole life of playing. I play cello, and I’m decent at it, so of course the stuff I have to practice is the bits going quite high because that’s what I can’t play easily yet. (Above the stave in treble clef on a cello is unfun, urgh.) So for those bits the tuning is off, the tone is awful, and I don’t know where my hand has to go so any jumps are repeated lots and lots.

        Drums are, though, are a spectacularly penetrating sort of instrument, I do admit. The neighbours behind my parents have a son who drums, and even though my mum is a music teacher and all in favour of students doing their practice, she grits her teeth through the drum practice.

    7. RagingADHD*

      No. Don’t say anything.

      They are doing a normal activity in their own home for 20 minutes during daytime hours. Of all the annoying or destructive things a kid could be doing, practicing music is the least of them.

      If they let their dog outside and it barked for 20 minutes before they brought it back in, that would be a completely normal amount of noise, and it would also carry down the street. Would you complain?

      Mowing the lawn takes a lot longer than 20 minutes. Do you resent your neighbors for that?

      Earplugs are cheap. I recommend the foam ones, they’re very comfortable.

      1. September*

        Thanks for the feedback. Sometimes I feel like a newcomer here on planet Earth, and I’m never sure what is normal. I know people speak up all the time about a lot of things I stay quiet about, so I wasn’t sure if I’ve been doing the “normal” thing here. I wouldn’t have been surprised if everyone said, “Of course I would say something! Why haven’t you done it already??” I feel like I just never know.

        But I’m getting from the responses that this is a “let it go” kind of thing for most people. Having made a decision to keep quiet about it will make it feel less like problem to solve and more just a thing that is happening, which will be easier.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Most of the time, your local ordinances or HOA rules about noise, property disputes, hazards, and nuisances are publicly available information. If you don’t have any frame of reference for whether your expectations are reasonable, that’s a good place to start.

          1. September*

            Well, I definitely wasn’t thinking that they were breaking rules, and I don’t want it to rise to the level of a “dispute.” I was thinking more along the lines of a hopefully friendly, “Hey, is there any way to reduce the volume here?” More like when people write to this site to ask, “Should I ask my office mate to…” whatever.

            1. RagingADHD*

              Well, see, that’s why I suggested it as a frame of reference. The boundaries of what is appropriate to ask of people in their own home / on their own property are entirely different than what is appropriate to ask of a coworker in shared space. The fact that you consider them analogous is really miscalibrated.

              If they aren’t breaking any community rules, then you are almost certainly overstepping by trying to make them accommodate your preferences. That’s one of the reasons why, for example, there are more rules about noise or floor coverings in an apartment building than in detached houses.

              The neighborly thing to do if someone is violating rules is to talk to them first instead of immediately calling the authorities. But the limits of what’s reasonable to ask are not substantially broader than the scope of the regulations.

              1. September*

                I think lots of people, including me, would want to work something out with neighbors who were bothered by what I was doing. My question was inspired by Alison’s post last week on “how clear, direct communication can solve problems in all areas of life, not just work.” It’s a very different situation than the LW’s of course, but the point is that Alison often has beautiful scripts for speaking up at times when I would stay quiet, and I started wondering if this was one of those situations where a person could reasonably speak up.

                At least some commenters think it would be reasonable, so I don’t think I’m so far off the mark in thinking of the neighborhood as a somewhat shared space. I’m hearing that most people wouldn’t say anything, which is fine, that’s what I wanted to know. My own first impulse was to stay quiet about it.

        2. Jackalope*

          I don’t know if this will help, but I have a friend who swears by noise-canceling headphones. Sometimes she’ll just wear them to keep out noise, other times she actually listens to something, but either way it makes background noise a lot easier to deal with. Also, if you put them on before starting whatever it is you want to concentrate on, then even if the noise comes through a tiny bit it’s less likely to bother you than if you are already annoyed and sensitive to the noise and THEN try to put them on.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              My beloved Cowin E7 noise cancellers hide my teenager’s kpop backbeat. Two thumbs up from this ADHD mom.

          2. Alexis Rosay*

            Having lived with someone who practiced the drums, often for much longer than 30 min per day, I highly doubt earplugs or noise-canceling headphones will block the noise out. Drums are very, very loud. I’m not saying it’s not worth trying, but I would expect at best that the sound will be somewhat muted.

        3. Rosyglasses*

          You might also invest in some comfortable noise silencing headphones (I would have to do overear instead of earplugs) so that way if you do want to read or have some quiet time you could still have fresh air from open windows. Solidarity!

        4. smeep248*

          this is the kind of thing that made me realize that I have less tolerance for certain noises than other people. I get anxious, or mad, or frustrated, or want to cry and I don’t have the ability to ignore it. Once it gets its hooks into me I am just miserable. Other people can let things go, or just have it be background noise and they don’t think much of it, meanwhile I am climbing the walls. What he is doing is probably a perfectly normal and reasonable thing that most people wouldn’t even mind, but it would make me want to take my skin off and run shrieking down the street. Took almost 40 years to realize “oh, I probably have some ND auditory processing issues. Interesting.”

          I am rambling but basically, both things can be true – that it’s a let it go thing which might drive you absolutely batty. I find it helps me to understand that it is just another way my brain is different, and having a plan for how I am going to manage my emotions when it happens. Good luck!

    8. Nopity Nope*

      I’m not sure a white noise machine would mask the sound of drums. Ear phones playing white noise or your own music might be more effective.

      But if you try some stuff on your side, but still need some compromise on their end, I don’t see any harm in asking them to consider some ideas, such as electronic drum kits, pads, or sound muting wall panels. To me, those solutions are about encouraging the kid while minimizing impact on others, instead of asking the kid to cut down on or change his practice time. And frankly, the parents would benefit as well. If it were me, I’d even help pay for those things to get some peace and quiet.

      If they aren’t up for it, don’t push, but why not have a non-accusatory, non-threatening convo to tell them what you’re doing on your end and see what they might be open to on their end?

      1. September*

        Thanks, that’s the kind of conversation I was thinking of… can we find something that works for everyone?

        1. RagingADHD*

          Just bear in mind that they have absolutely no reason or obligation to agree. Particularly if you have no prior relationship.

      2. KatEnigma*

        That is perfectly reasonable.

        But people often are not perfectly reasonable about their kids, no matter how casual and solution finding you try to be.

    9. former musician mum*

      Say nothing, invest in good hearing protection for you. It’s not ideal, but it’s what living in a society is like. We live in a dense urban neighbourhood & my kid took up french horn. She was never all that good, but got enjoyment out of it. Practiced for 30 min a day. And, while it felt it went on forever, it was only 4 years. Once a random stranger yelled up to our window that she was getting better, which utterly crushed her. I supposed it was meant to be nice, but basically came across as “you suck”. The one thing that did cheer her was when she practiced some of her classical pieces another musician in the neighbourhood would echo it back. Like Beethoven’s 5th. That was very sweet of them. Noise from neighbours is the price you pay for living in a community. Get really really good noise cancelling headphones, and realize that the anxiety it sparks in you is not their issue to solve.

      1. Newbie*

        I do that sometimes (when we both have our windows open) with a neighbor a few houses down who practices at home. It’s fun!

        1. former musician mum*

          Thank you! it really encouraged my kid. At the very least, it was a vote of confidence that she could play the piece recognizably enough for someone to echo it back.

      2. Might Be Spam*

        My apartment neighbor sings loudly as he walks home from the bus stop. I can hear him at least a block away. I will never say anything, because it might make him self conscious and I don’t want to spoil his enjoyment if it would make him stop. He stops when he gets to the front door and I look at it as a way to know that he has arrived home safely and had a good day.

      3. allathian*

        I don’t know where I read it, if it was here or somewhere else, but a piano teacher was trying to teach their student a piece, when a neighbor started chopping wood. The piano teacher told the chopper that her student was having trouble keeping the right tempo and asked them to take a break and come back after the lesson. Instead, the chopper listened to the student play for a while, and started chopping to a 3/4 tempo or whatever the piece needed, because he was a drummer/percussionist or something. So there they were, making music together.

        Does anyone else recognize this story?

    10. Angstrom*

      Maybe start by asking for something small like “Could you try closing just the window(s) that face my house before you start?” Given the nature of sound, that’ll affect the cymbal sounds more than the drums, but it’s a small step in making them of their effect on others.
      You could pair that with some interest: Are they in a band, who are their favorite drummers, etc. You’re not angry at the child — you just want less noise in your house.
      Over-the-ear headphones can help.

    11. Inkhorn*

      Try earmuffs – the sort you buy at a hardware store. In combination with earplugs if you need some extra noise-blocking oomph. I’m a peace-and-quiet lover obliged (for reasons of finance and a sane commute) to tolerate apartment living, and industrial earmuffs are my sanity savers.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Don’t say anything. The kid isn’t doing anything wrong, and you’d be in the vein of the old grump shouting “stay off my lawn!” at kids walking down the street, not on the lawn.

      Hearing protection is going to be your best bet. And very specifically, look into hearing protection designed for shooting. Drums are very percussive (obviously), but that means you’re getting a burst of sound waves, similar to what you’d hear at a gun range. I would imagine that something designed to handle gun noise would be fairly decent at handling drums.

      1. Jackalope*

        The difference here is that kids walking on the sidewalk are unlikely to be causing the person shouting at them to stay off the lawn any harm. Whereas September is experiencing actual negative side effects here that are impacting their quality of life. And going over to the neighbor’s house to politely ask if the new drummer can use dampening pads, or not practice after 8 pm, or whatever, is a long ways from yelling at the kid to shut up, which is the closest analogy I can find to what you suggested.

    13. Dumpster Fire*

      I’d let it go. As a high school teacher, I wish all of my students would have interests as benign as playing music (even if it doesn’t always SOUND like music!) And maybe he’ll get better….

    14. Stephanie*

      Both of my kids played several instruments: clarinet, French horn, guitar, bass, drums and cymbals. BOTH kids played both drums and cymbals. While drums are loud, cymbals are really, really loud. They both practiced at home, and I felt bad for our neighbors. But we never got any complaints, and I honestly would have been at least a little annoyed if we had. Part of living near neighbors is dealing with some noise. Adding sound-deadening panels to a room for a kid who might or might not play those drums long-term seems excessive to me, especially since it’s only for 20 minutes or so at a time. Drum pads are an option, but really shouldn’t be used as a complete replacement for a drum set, because it’s just not the same, especially for a beginner.
      I think that earplugs and a mindset that this is just a thing that is happening would be your best bet.
      (Seriously, be happy that your neighbor isn’t playing cymbals exclusively–they are so very loud that I made my daughter practice them in the backyard. Which I’m now thinking wasn’t the most…neighborly thing to do. But it freaked out my poor dogs.) I would try to let it go as much as you can.

    15. marvin*

      As someone who used to play drums as a kid (and probably annoyed my neighbours) I think a practice pad is probably a bit much to ask for on a regular basis. It really isn’t the same to play on.

      I would probably start by seeing what you can do on your end to block the sound, and if that doesn’t do it, stop by, compliment the kid on his dedication and ask if they might be able to shut the window of the drum room while he practices.

      My view is that some level of noise is inevitable when we live around each other, but if there is a small, reasonable adjustment, it doesn’t hurt to ask.

      1. September*

        Thanks, it’s helpful to hear from someone who actually played the drums. I don’t have any experience with them or how the pads would affect things, but it sounds like they interfere with playing enough to keep them from being a great option. And honestly, I think just closing the window would help a lot. If I bring up the topic at all, I think that’s what I’d focus on.

  39. Teapot Translator*

    Fall is here! Well in my corner of the world, anyway. YMMV. What are you looking forward to now that it’s getting cooler?

    1. AGD*

      Leaf colors, nice breezes, cozy blankets, and warm drinks.

      (I do prefer the hotter weather, but I like the part of the world I live in, so I try not to whine about its other three seasons.)

    2. Sundial*

      Crockpot roasts! I love starting a meal in the morning, walking away, and having it be ready when it’s time for dinner. We put ours in the bathroom for safety (curious pets, nothing flammable in that room).

      We had a pork loin with potatoes, carrots, and onions this week. I’m looking for a good beef roast during this week’s shopping. It’s also a budget-friendly meal, since a long low-temp marinade in the pot lets me use a cheaper cut of meat.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Cozy clothes, fall baking, decor! My whole adulthood I’ve lived in apartments and/or regions that don’t have nice fall weather, but now I’m in a house in the PNW and I’m so excited. This weekend I’m putting together a faux floral arrangement of leaves, sunflowers, and dahlias that will go in a planter on the porch, and I’m thinking of doing a wreath to match :)

    6. SarahKay*

      Sleeping really well at night. For a good night’s sleep I need to be snuggled down under a duvet, preferably with a hot water bottle, and that’s not really an option when the nights are warm. Here in the south of the UK we’ve just hit a period of cold nights, and it’s glorious!

    7. Bethlam*

      Nothing. Give me 6 more months of summer and then straight into spring. I could enjoy fall more if only winter didn’t come next.. I hate that it’s getting dark earlier, that soon everything will be drab and bleak, and that the cold and snow will force me to the treadmill instead of having my lovely outdoor walks.

    10. marvin*

      Fall walks, fall bike rides, pies, bread, soup, wearing sweaters, apples, walking through dried leaves, walking in the rain and then getting dry, knitting, watching movies in the rain, cold sunny days, pumpkin patches, reading with a cup of tea, roadside vegetable stalls, geese flying, acorns falling, woodsmoke, not having to hide from the sun all the time.

    11. MEH Squared*

      The death to all bugs and allergies! The technicolor of changing leaves as they gently waft to the ground. Fleecy hoodies and comfy duvets. Sipping cups of steaming tea on a chilly night. Snuggling with my cat while browsing the internet. But, most of all. the prelude to my absolute favorite season, winter! I love winter so much.

  40. Sunflower*

    For people who are childless by choice, where do you find other people in the same boat as you? I’m 34 and realizing the majority of my friends who are still single and living in the city, they do want to have kids and eventually move out to the burbs. While I love my friends and their kids, we obviously have different priorities and schedules and I’d love to build some lasting friendships with people in the same situation as me. I do also happen to be single – although I’d love to find a partner- so couple activities are out for me at this time. I do live in a huge city and my main hobbies include thrifting and personal finance which I usually enjoy on my own but I’m open to meeting people through that if I could figure out where beyond Facebook groups.

      1. Happily Child-free*

        I’ve had success with Meetup.com (especially useful if you have hobbies), and using the Bumble BFF app (not the dating part, they have one specifically for making friends). Good luck!

    3. Sundial*

      As far as professions, artists and musicians. People who have the time and money to “make it” as painters, sculptors, songwriters, and so on, often don’t have kids.

      More generally, any hobby that’s expensive and time-consuming. Examples from my own social circle: telescope photography, kayaking, track racing.

      (I’m not saying you have to take up those expensive jobs/hobbies, just figure out where those types of people go. Open mic nights at coffee shops, for example, attract songwriters.)

    4. TPS reporter*

      I met a lot of great childless people through the gym, going to the same classes every week. also seems to be a lot of childless people in the animal rescue I volunteer with.

    5. Loz*

      Join a club that does something you already do or think you might have an interest in taking up. You will get plenty of interest and engagement with a variety of people by having a common interest or desire for knowledge up front. That will put you in a position to more easily meet and talk with people who you might find interesting, firstly on a shared topic then in other ways or that person’s own right. You will meet people who you will connect with in other ways (platonic or otherwise) from there.
      I’ve found it’s important to be something that cannot be done online or without some sort of other commitment. For me it’s been gliding, hiking, 4wd, wine tasting, mountain biking, cooking, kayaking, sailing, beer making, pinball, travel. I’ve not stuck at everything but all have resulted in lasting friendships.
      I moved areas/states/countries and developed strong, long lasting friendships within 10 years (and now 20+) comparable, if not stronger, than 30 years in my home town/country. , I would classify myself as fairly introverted but, even so, it can be done and you can count those initial attendances as a massive achievement to be celebrated with a glass of wine and a happy dance in the privacy of your own home if it helps.

    6. Leaf*

      I don’t have any advice per se, but just wanted to let you know I’m another person in the same boat as you :)

      1. Mewtwo*

        In the same boat as well and definitely appreciate the advice on this thread. I just turned 30 and while I love my friends, they all want to eventually have kids and move out to the suburbs with their spouses. I…don’t. I actually want to continue my current trajectory of living in the city and doing my usual bar hopping and other activities. I am currently dating which is keeping me occupied and will probably continue to do so until I find a long term partner, but I will have to build a new social circle eventually.

  42. Cheezmouser*

    Parents with 3 children! I posted a few months ago about how my husband and I are considering going for kid #3. Well, we still haven’t made a decision yet. We both like the idea of 3 kids but we already know how much time, energy, patience it takes to raise kids and we don’t know if kid #3 is going to be the one to break the camel’s back. So tell me everything you think someone in our situation should know about raising 3 kids!

    1. Cheezmouser*

      One more thing: he works in an office and I work from home, so all of the morning routine, breakfast, drop offs, pick ups, afterschool play dates, dinner, and bath fall solely on me. (He has to get ready for work at 7am and he gets back at 8pm.) We don’t have any family nearby who can help us. The closest family is my mom, but she’s 45 minutes away and still works full time.

      1. PollyQ*

        This may be too much of a digression, so feel free to ignore, but how committed is your H to that schedule? It already sounds pretty unsustainable even without a 3rd kid in the mix.

      2. Johanna*

        How old are the other two? I would not even contemplate #3 unless #2 is old enough that they can do stuff like feed and dress themselves, is out of nappies, and probably not until they were in kindergarten/nursery/school at least some of the time.

        Beyond that, your partner’s schedule makes this really really hard. It’s not just the theoretical “have another baby” discussion, it’s do you really want to be doing all of that solo for another few years? Does he at least get decent parental leave to bond with the baby and help out with the practical stuff for a bit? Could you afford to pay for some help to give you a break?

        1. Cheezmouser*

          My other two are 3 and 6, so theoretically they would be about 4 and 7 when new baby arrives. Yes, both kids are in school/daycare until 5:30pm each day (thank goodness). So I’m not flying solo for huge swaths of time, just from 7am-8:30am when I drop off the kids and 5:30pm-8pm, but they’re very busy periods. He’ll come home at 8pm and relieve me for an hour, but that also means he typically doesn’t eat dinner until 9pm or 10pm, which isn’t fun for him either, given that he’s been up since 6am.

          Yes, he took 7 weeks parental leave each time and plans to do the same if we have another.

          So yeah, the day-to-day is pretty hectic and obviously adding a baby is going to torpedo the precarious balancing act we have, which is why we’re so hesitant to go for it despite wanting 3 kids in our hearts. Agh, I don’t know!

        1. Cheezmouser*

          Short term: no, I’m afraid that I’m gonna die.
          Long term: yes, everyone survives somehow, it’s not like it hasn’t been done before. People can and do work demanding jobs and successfully raise 3 kids with limited outside support, right???

          1. fposte*

            In that nobody died? Yes. In that they were happy and glad they’d done it and their family was stronger than ever? Not always. It depends on what you want for your whole family, not just what number you want in it. I definitely know people either in the military or with a similar style where it’s single parenting 90% of the time and that’s okay with them, so it’s certainly possible. Whether it’s possible for *you* to thrive in that is a personal call. (How old will any baby have to be before that daycare until 5:30 becomes possible? Also a personal call, but factor in that period before it happens and it’s all you.)

          3. strawberry ice cream*

            Actually, no. I don’t know of any families with 3 kids and two parents working full-time. The closest I get is one of my colleagues who works half-time with the kids, and moderate family support (grandparents do school pickup sometimes). My colleague is also blessed with low-sleep needs- 5 or 6 hrs/night is all she needs.

          4. Sunshine*

            We have three. It was supposed to be 2 but twins. We both work full time but my job is considerate of work life balance.
            Everyone will be in school next year and I feel like we are finally to a point of not sheer insanity. We don’t have good family supports. So that makes it harder. The pandemic made it worse. I’m not my best self. But I can’t imagine my family in any other way. I don’t know that I’d say go for three. But if you do I suggest lowering your expectations. The house will be messier. No Pinterest bento boxes. Outings are harder. Finding hotels for 5 is a pain/expensive. There is a weird dynamic of odd man out, too.

      4. Generic+Name*

        If your husband is very enthusiastic about a third child, I would have a discussion of how you could restructure things so he does more with the kids. I don’t see why you have to do literally everything for 13 hours. You both work. It’s very reasonable for him to do at least the morning daycare drop off. In fact, it makes more sense for him to do that. You work from home and wouldn’t leave the house otherwise, right? He’s already leaving, so it’s reasonable to drop kids off at daycare on his way to work.

      5. Cheezmouser*

        To be fair, I’m not saying my husband doesn’t do anything. He does as much as his schedule allows, including all the laundry, dishes, trash, yard work, most of the emotional labor, most of the playing with the kids (which we all know is still work), household maintenance, vacuuming, picking up toys, etc. He’s the one who gets up if one of the kids wakes up in the middle of the might. He starts his day at 6am and finishes past midnight, so he’s by no means slacking off.

        That being said, it sounds like if we go for kid #3, we will definitely need to hire some help at least a few days per week for a few hours, and even then the first few years we will still feel stretched thin. I guess I’m not surprised by this, but maybe a small part of me was hoping someone would say “yes, I have 3 kids and a full-time job and yes it’s possible to do it all without dying.” Sigh, I guess it’s better to make this decision with a realistic idea of what might happen than to be naive.

        FWIW I’m 39 going on 40 so we can’t really postpone this decision much longer. I know people have kids in their 40s too, but I also know that everything gets harder the older you get and I feel it already.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Personally I think if you’re on the fence that means no (at least for now)… and you don’t even sound on the fence. You like the idea of 3 but feel “hesitant” and “afraid you’re gonna die” and you’re basically doing it all alone.

      1. Anon for this*

        I have to say I agree with this – you sound precipitously close to losing it (understandably so!). This doesn’t sound like the time to add another variable (i.e., baby) into the mix.

        We have a newborn (<1 mo. old), a two-year-old, and a five-year-old. We're so happy but it's overwhelming. I work part-time, my husband works full-time (took two weeks off), but thankfully his job is flexible enough that he can start later, end earlier, etc. to drop the older kids off at babysitter/school or pick them up (we have one car). (All our family is a plane-ride away.)

        He's taken over the lion's share of helping the older kids for now: getting them ready and taking them in the morning; picking them up in the afternoon; dinnertime; bedtime. I wouldn't be able to do it without him. But it's still overwhelming – we're both tired and feel like we don't have time to ourselves, which is true. He wants to go out more but I don't feel like I can handle all three kids awake at once!

        As Generic Name said above – you BOTH work full-time; your work isn't less valuable/meaningful just because it's done from home . More flexible scheduling is necessary when you have young kids but I can't believe how much you're doing on your own. Something has got to give because this doesn't sound sustainable as it is, let alone adding another baby.

        Unless your husband is able to pitch in considerably more, I think you would need to hire some kind of help so you don't fall apart. I wouldn't say you should give up on three kids, but you need to have a handle on your current responsibilities first (including taking care of yourself). It sounds like this balance isn't working for your family. Personally, I wouldn't want to wait until my other kids got so much older, because in my experience pregnancy just gets harder the older you (the mom) are, but obviously this is up to you.

        Best of luck :)

    3. Green Beans*

      I don’t have three kids but my best friend recently had her third and….things were not sustainable. Basically all of her bandwidth was gone and there’s been and will be several blow ups and reckonings because things in her life that were tolerable before are not tolerable now. (A big part of that was dealing with the massive imbalance of labor in her marriage.)

      Because she’s stretched so thin, the things that are coming to a head are not being handled well or particularly gracefully. She’s happy she had the baby – she wanted 3 and her family feels complete now, I think – but it’s taken a way bigger toll on her and her relationships than either of her other two babies.

    4. Wilde*

      Oh I hear you there, such a difficult decision to make. We have two and are contemplating a third. Our kiddos are two and three.

      Our situation – husband works full time and is out of the house 8:30-5:30. I do not work. We are fortunate to be able to live on one income and the additional income our government provides us for our children. Our kids are not in childcare.

      I considered going back to work earlier this year but decided not to due to the cost of childcare, and the lost time for labour at home – cooking, cleaning etc. We have no close family in our city.

      At this stage, I’m not willing to commit to a third kid until our oldest is at school or we move to the same city as my parents, who both work part time and would provide significant help to us. I feel pretty sad about this right now as I pack away all the baby clothes and paraphernalia but I know it’s absolutely the right decision for our family. The two kids we have now deserve the best of us. The thought of “feeling like I might die” rings true for me and it hardly seems fair to impose that kind of parent on my little people.

      Good luck to you! I hope you and your spouse can find a way to make this decision together, and peacefully.

    5. Pop*

      My SIL just had her third, and she has a 7 and 4 year old (so, same ages as you it sounds like). She works more than full time, her husband works part time, and they have an extraordinary amount of help from one set of grandparents. It is really hard. Their second kiddo was an “easy” baby, and so they were not quite prepared that this one would be so difficult (he’s still having a lot of trouble sleeping at six months). Watching this unfold firmly put me in the only two kids camp – I’ve wanted 3-4 since I can remember. I think it will get easier as the kids get older but the next couple of years will be pretty challenging (and already are).

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Wow. No offense to your friend but if their definition of “difficult” is “still has a lot trouble sleeping at 6 months old” then BOTH of their children are easy! VERY easy! LOL.

        1. Pop*

          It’s definitely more than that but yes I think they got pretty lucky with the older two and didn’t realize it. My 14 month old is also terrible at sleeping so that’s also been a reality check for them to see!

    6. Irish Teacher*

      I’m not a parent, so feel free to ignore my input, but my question would be how much do you both (but especially you, if you are the primary caregiver) really want a child? Is it the idea of three kids you like best or do you really enjoy interacting with kids and caring for them? Do you miss having a baby small child and feel really enthusiastic about another one or does it feel like another chore? I know, it’s going to be a bit of both, but which is predominent?

      I also do think the kids’ ages means it’s kinda three different jobs. I mean, a 7 year old’s needs are different from a 4 year olds which are again different from a baby’s. Just something else to take into account.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I don’t know that an internet stranger can answer to such a personal question for you, but here’s my take. We have three and it’s great. We don’t have family nearby, but my parents will come to town once or twice a year when I have a busy period at work. The house is a mess, and I lose my sh*t at least twice a day, we can’t afford to travel by plane, I drive a twenty year old car, the weekends are exhausting. I feel like every night we get the kids to bed is a good one. Mostly, though, I get a lot of joy from interacting with my kids and watching them interact with each other. I think you have to hold on to the joyful parts and push through the hard parts. Luckily my kids (10, 5, and 3 – this last a surprise baby when I was 40) are pretty independent and I can go to my room and shut the door and scream into the void when I need a minute (or ten).
      I will say, I was unemployed during the pandemic and home with the kids. I’m now back at work and working full time with three kids is a million times easier than staying home with three kids – I feel like I have boundaries and can draw priorities (both on the work and home Since you’ve posted before if sounds like you really really want that third child, but not necessarily the life with them? Can you look at what are the perceived pain points of life with three (or indeed life with two) and either do less or hire more help? For us, that means, our kids only bathe once or twice a week. Dinner is often super simple, sandwiches or eggs, or I prep dinner for my husband before I go to work since I’m not home til after bedtime. My Husband also leaves for work at 7am, but he gets the kids up and feeds them breakfast before he goes to work. I would also say, set up the expectation with your kids that they need to do stuff for themselves – you are not at their beck and call – it definitely helps that our oldest was 5 when we had the second and that our youngest can get herself dressed in the morning. Consider hiring a nanny or au pair for the first few years. Or at least an after school sitter to help til dinner time. Make sure you and your husband get equal amounts of rest/leisure time. This last is really important.
      I wouldn’t say we are dying at all, but we certainly are making choices to lean out of certain parts of life so that we feel like we aren’t overwhelmed – things like kids activities, travel, house renovations, hobbies, work ambitions. And we’re fine with that.

    8. Crackerjack*

      Oh my goodness, finding these replies quite scary! Im 5 months pregnant with my third, who was an ‘accident’ but I did want more
      I’m one of four myself.

      We feel overwhelmed,tired and like we get no time to ourselves with just two, but to be honest, I just thought what’s another one in the mix? So I’ll be tired and overwhelmed… Plus ca change? My counsellor said once that the jump from one to two is the hardest, after that it’s just like shelling peas. I pray she was right.

      Mine will be 3 and 6.5 when this one arrives in Feb. Let you know how it goes!

      Oh p.s. but I do only work part time and have lots of grandparent support. Do not even know if I could do it in your situation.

    9. Books and Cooks*

      I have two kids and a stepchild, who was seven when our first was born. I actually found that after the first couple of years, summers & stepkid’s visits made things easier, because SK could help keep the little ones busy, help keep an eye on them, that kind of thing.

      Just my experience.

    10. Maxie's Mommy*

      You have to go to a zone defense, instead of man-on-man coverage. Think Disneyland, Sea World, etc. One parent will always be holding two little paws, while the other parent holds one hand and totes all the “stuff”.

  43. Green Mug*

    After hiding under the chair for the last month, the cat bonded to my child who left for college is snuggling with me. Kitty is laying across me and has a paw over my leg. It’s been over an hour. I feel like I should start my day, but this cat is soft and fluffy and clearly needs some love. How long can I justify sitting here watching television? I’m worried I won’t get anything accomplished, but this cat is adorable.

    3. Anonymous cat*

      Tell yourself you’re giving the cat positive feedback for choosing to like you and setting both of you up for a positive relationship–and then enjoy petting the kitty! :)

    5. Green Mug*

      Thank you for saying to stay. I feel guilty about being lazy, but I cannot stress enough how happy I am that I can love this cat. She’s even happy to let me pet her!

    6. cat substrate is an important job*

      “How long can I justify sitting here watching television? I’m worried I won’t get anything accomplished”

      until you desperately, can’t wait any longer, need the bathroom. Then, you put the cat on the chair/sofa, and come back and try to put the cat back on you.

      And, I vehemently disagree with your statement about “not getting anything accomplished”, in my world what you are doing is being under a cat. That is a very very important job – possibly the most important thing you’ll do all day. Everything else can wait (except the bathroom).

    8. Kittee*

      You must NOT disturb the kitty. You are performing a public service. Let it lie on you as long as possible. Pet it. Sweet talk it. Read it a book. Oh — and enjoy. :-)

    9. GoryDetails*

      Congratulations, you’ve been catted! I spend a fair amount of time that way, sometimes able to read or watch TV or even web-surf while one of the cats is having lap-time. But I also do a little basking in the adorable snuggliness. If only one of the not-on-lap cats could fetch me a beverage so I don’t have to disturb the lap-cat…

      Mine have learned that if the kitchen timer goes off I will get up, so they generally bail when they hear it.

  44. word nerd*

    I’m happy married, but I was surprised to feel a twinge of attraction to someone on Zoom during a business meeting when he made this kind of awkward gesture, and it had me thinking back to high school, when I dated a lot of guys who were booksmart but could be awkward in social situations (basically what is stereotypically considered “geeky”). I can be awkward and nerdy myself, and my family of origin is definitely not skilled in social graces, so I was thinking about how I might like it because it feels familiar to me and then I don’t feel as much pressure to be super polished myself. My husband has decent social skills so he doesn’t really fit that “type,” but I was curious if other people sometimes found this kind of awkwardness attractive too and what they thought was attractive about it.

    1. Constance Lloyd*

      I think awkwardness can be endearing because I’m some ways it translates to vulnerability, and vulnerability often goes hand in hand with a bit of emotional intimacy.

    2. Forensic13*

      I find awkwardness attractive in part because I DESPISE anyone who reads as “salesperson” in personality. (I know it’s my issue and not theirs; I would never actually treat them differently.). So people who don’t act like that come off well in comparison.

    3. Angstrom*

      Awkwardness can seem honest. Someone who is perceived as too smooth and polished will often raise suspicions that they are acting.
      From “The Gift of Fear”:
      “Charm is almost always a direct instrument, which like rapport-building, has a motive. Charm is an ability, not an inherent character trait. Think of charm as a verb: instead of thinking “this person is so charming”, think “this person is trying to charm me”.

      To be fair, the motive for using charm might not be any more sinister than “I want this person to like me”.

    4. Paddy O'Furniture*

      Constance Lloyd is right about the element of vulnerability that is charming. I find it usually the quality incorporates an element of sincerity and guilelessness that is not perfectly delivered and a bit off kilter. Part of the attractiveness comes from recognizing that same awkwardness in ourselves and relating to it and seeing a bit of ourselves in someone else.

      1. word nerd*

        Yes, I think you all are right, especially about the vulnerability and geniuneness. And it’s not a blanket statement that I find all awkwardness attractive–for me, it’s a certain mix of competence in one area tempered by something that shows me that someone isn’t putting on a perfect front that I find really appealing.

  45. Journal John*

    I’m moving for work in a couple of weeks and will be in China for 2 years! I’m super excited but also nervous.

    My parents got me a very nice book and I want to start Journaling while I’m there so I have a keepsake and something to look back on.

    But I have zero experience with keeping a journal. Any suggestions or tips for the things I should be writing about or a format I could use?

    1. CharlieBrown*

      Oh gosh, there are so many things. You could make a list of things and try to find at least one or two a week to write about:

      * Something that surprised you because it was different
      * Something that surprised you because it was the same
      * Something that made you feel homesick
      * Something that made you feel like you are right at home
      * Something you wished you had at home
      * Something you’re glad you don’t have to deal with at home
      * Something that makes you want to stay here forever
      * Something the locals know/do that you wish people back home knew/did

      That is all my tired brain can think of right now, but once you get going, you can probably add to the list.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      I keep a journal fairly regularly, and I usually write about what I did during the day and/or how I’m feeling. A few years after a backpacking trip, I reread the journal I wrote on the trip. It was fun to “re-live” the trip (I read each entry on the same date as I wrote it), and I was surprised at the differences between my journal entries and my photographs. I took a lot of photos of buildings and statues and wrote a lot about weather, food, experiences, and impressions of the places I visited.

      Have fun!

    3. strawberry ice cream*

      CharlieBrown’s suggestions are good. I’d also write about how you do things. You will get quickly used to your new normal, and forget how hard it was to get used to things. Also, just to be aware, homesickness usually kicks in after a few months. But good luck & have fun!

    4. Dont be a dork*

      Don’t feel like you have to write Every Single Day, but don’t let too many days go by before you write something. You’ll fall into a rhythm that works for you fairly quickly.

      Tiny joys are more important for me to write about than big events, because I’ll remember the intensity of the emotions for those big things more readily than that sudden rush of pleasure at how the wind riffled the water of the pond I was looking at.

      You want to remember how you reacted to new foods/flavors/smells because in far too short a time they will be old hat, and then you’ll be back home and can’t recapture that.

  46. Marguerite*

    For those who live alone, how do you not feel so lonely? I’m on the introverted side and like my alone time, but feel anxious when living alone. I also tend to worry and obsess about the little things like did I leave the stove on or is the garage door open? Any advice or tips are appreciated.

    1. fposte*

      Most of the time I like my solitude. But I also like to be connected to the world, and especially since retiring, I make sure I have regular check-ins with friends and even professional connections like doctors, physical therapy, etc. If I don’t consciously connect, I’ll lapse, and that’s not good for me.

      I don’t tend to feel anxious that much about it. For particular things like the stove, I will verbalize that it’s turned off, and that tends to stay in my mind. (For me curling irons/straighteners are the ones I’m most careful with, since they don’t make any noise. I also announce “Unplugged!” with those.) I find it helpful to be judicious with the news and media I consume, and sometimes at night also it’s useful to look out at the street and see people’s lights on–everybody’s still there, it’s just harder to see them at night.

    2. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      I don’t live alone but I read a tip somewhere recently that when you leave (for a trip, it said, but whenever could work) take a picture of your stove knobs. Then you have time stamped evidence on your phone that it is indeed off. I wish that worked for the front door being locked…

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have a smart deadbolt – it’s still key operated to unlock (though I can use my phone to unlock if I want to, but it’s not required), and it doesn’t have to be wifi-enabled (just bluetooth to my phone, again if I choose), but it automatically locks itself 2 minutes after it’s unlocked.

    3. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Smart devices help me find peace of mind while away. I have an Alexa near my stove and I can drop in on it and listen for signs that the stove may be on. My thermostat is smart and I can control and check from anywhere. Even my ceiling fans are smart. My Alexa will also listen for glass shattering and alert me in case of a break in. The only thing I have to call my neighbor for about once a year is to check to make sure I didn’t leave the hose on.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes – aside from the smart deadbolt, I also have a smart garage door opener so I can double-check from anywhere and confirm that yes, I closed the garage door. The lights on the main level of my house also all automatically turn off at midnight.

    4. Person from the Resume*

      I just … don’t, but I have lived alive for many years now.

      I work from home and live alone, but have regular weekly and monthly social stuff, plus I usually initiate gatherings with friends because I prefer to make plans in advance.

      I’d ask you to elaborate further on your anxiousness. Is it mainly when you leave the house empty because having a partner / roommate wouldn’t necessarily prevent the house being empty?

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I think to an extent it boils down to who you are. I live alone, and I don’t feel lonely. I don’t feel anxious, I don’t obsess over things. When I move to a new place, there is an initial adjustment period because I have to get used to the noises and light patterns, but after a few days it’s fine.

      Some people find that having a pet makes a huge difference. Obviously don’t get a pet if you don’t actually want one, or can’t care for it appropriately, but when there’s a cat or dog around you’re not really alone.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I prioritize connecting with a variety of people regularly via phone. A couple of people are daily longer calls; others are weekly or random calls that may be any length. Other people who live alone are the best bets for frequent calls, since they also may be feeling a tad lonely and enjoy connecting with others. So maybe give your single friends or your widowed aunties a call now and then.

      I also try not to invest too much in any one phone call — the people who want to keep connecting with me will; if someone doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel up to talking today, it’s okay.

  47. slowingaging*

    Purely hypothetical, just a curious thought. I have had COVID shots and booster. I have been exposed to those with COVID, despite trying not to do so. I tested multiple times each time I was exposed. I have had no symptoms and have always tested negative.

    I rarely get cold or flu that is passed around. I got the required shots when I started school. I have traveled in 3rd world countries and always got all the recommended shots. When I give blood, I was told that I had good blood for babies. (type O negative blood donors who are also negative to CMV antibodies). I am wondering if that is anecdotal information. I am just speculating, why I haven’t I contracted COVID. Is it the ‘special’ blood or my good imune system?

    I have a friend who works in Health Care and she has a different blood type, but she also rarely gets any of passed around cold and flu.
    She thinks it’s the good immune system.
    I have read some of the science behind why some people never get COVID, and I am curious.

    1. Kara Danvers*

      I have a family member who is the same way – multiple covid exposures, never gets colds, never gets the flu (even without shots). He’s been traveling monthly, including multiple international trips, since he got his shot in early 2021.

      He finally got covid 2 weeks ago, including a 103F fever. (He’s fine now, but definitely had a much crappier experience with covid than I did!)

      We just don’t have sufficient studies for predicting what will happen to folks on an individual level.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        Agreed. There are some people who have multiple exposures to HIV and yet never seem to contract it. Human attention spans are what they are and some of these studies fall off the radar, or more typically, the funding of them falls away.

        It’s best to take sensible precautions and not rely on anecdotal evidence.

    2. RMNPgirl*

      I work in transfusion medicine and am a specialist in blood banking – it’s your immune system and not the ‘special’ blood.
      Your blood is good for babies because O negative is the universal donor (anyone can receive it). Babies still have their moms antibodies in their system so if mom was type A, baby has Anti-B which would attack B blood. So that’s why babies always get O negative. CMV negative is also given because babies don’t have a strong immune system at birth and can’t kill any CMV that might be present. CMV lives in white blood cells which are filtered out of donated blood so all blood is considered “CMV safe” but there can still be residual white cells left behind and babies (or other immunocompromised people) may not be able to fight off CMV if it’s present.
      None of the above has anything to do with resisting COVID, but there are studies going on trying to figure out why some people have never been infected. There have been some frontline healthcare workers who were exposed multiple times, before vaccines, who never got it.

    3. Elspeth+McGillicuddy*

      I’m the CMV negative too and totally got Covid. Not a known exposure either, so I must have caught in in passing at the grocery store.

      You might just have an excellent immune system, but I wouldn’t correlate it with the CMV thing.

      One of my brothers has a much better immune system than the rest of us. When all of us would catch the same cold, we’d be sniffling and draggy for a few days while he’d take an extra long nap and have like a day of minor sniffles.

    6. GraceC*

      I’m O- CMV-, golden blood and get the blue NEO sticker for neonate-safe donation, and have had two jabs and a booster (which is all I’m qualified for on the NHS as a non-vulnerable mid-20s non-caregiver)

      Had covid in March 2022, contracted when I travelled to London for work at a time when something like 1 in 15 people in London had covid. I had a decent enough time of it, 3-4 days of absolute exhaustion but no other symptoms and no lingering effects, but I’m certainly not immune

    7. strawberry ice cream*

      You also don’t know you haven’t had covid. You could have been symptomless, and caught it randomly. The home tests aren’t that accurate, the PCR tests are looking for a covid RNA, but you’d still need “enough” to be detected. And, not every exposure means you’ll get it. I lived with my husband and kid having full-on Covid in march 2020. I had nothing. Maybe I was a little sluggish one day, or maybe it was from extra housework/care taking. This was before “isolation” was a thing, and our flat isn’t big enough anyway.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Exactly. I have never tested positive for COVID. That doesn’t mean I’ve never had it. I’m sure I could do some other testing to figure out whether I’ve ever had it, but that hasn’t been necessary so far.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I think you got lucky.

      I managed to avoid getting noticeably sick with it until a couple of weeks ago despite being exposed multiple times, living in a high-risk area, and returning to in-person activities long before many people online would have tolerated. I have an absolutely terrible immune system that attacks me instead of germs, and I usually catch everything that comes around.

      And when our household finally caught it, we all tested negative on rapid the whole time. Only showed up on PCR. So unless you are testing regularly by PCR or having antibody tests, you don’t know whether you’ve had it or not.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I thought that I was dodging it pretty well – I was doing in-person teaching with the kids of key workers in the pre-vaccine days at the height of COVID, and didn’t catch so much as a sniffle. This year was the first in quite a few years that I caught cold or flu (I don’t know what it is, but if I stay at the same school my immune system becomes fantastic, but if I join a new school I’ll spend the first winter feeling awful). It turns out that the flu I caught actually was COVID, but the tests were not showing positive for the first four days.

    10. Mary S*

      I remember in 2021 the news was abuzz with studies on people with COVID “superantibodies.” Crucially, these people HAVE had COVID, they just never realized it because they didn’t have symptoms. But I think you would have to sign up for a special study to get tested for it.

    11. Violetta*

      I’m O- and have had COVID 3 times (that I know of). Twice without symptoms, but I tested because I was planning on travelling. You may have had it without symptoms.

  48. Sundial*

    Cleaning gurus, any ideas to scrub away scale and build-up on glazed plant pots/saucers?

    I’ve tried the internet suggestions (vingear soak, baking soda paste) and had no luck. I’d go wild with scouring powder if I didn’t think it would destroy the glaze.

    Also relevant, my house has EXTREMELY hard water. Like, so hard that it ate holes through our new washing machine tub in less than five years, even with a whole-house filtration system.

    1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I use vinegar although I realize you said it’s not working. First I use something to gently scrape off as much built up scale as possible while everything is dry; a hard plastic or metal paint scraper works well to flake it off, but a flat razor blade held at an angle would work too…the kind you get at a craft store. Then sit it in straight vinegar for a day. Let it all dry out and repeat if necessary.

    2. fposte*

      I’m not a cleaning guru, but in my moderately hard water a 24-hour vinegar water soak (start with warm) followed by a choreboy scrub helps a lot. I wouldn’t use the baking soda with the vinegar–the point of the vinegar is to be acidic, and the baking soda is alkaline so counteracts that.

      It’s also possible it’s minerals from the soil or fertilizers, not just the water, which may affect whether vinegar works.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Aurikatariina on YouTube does the most amazing cleaning transformations! She would say the right product with time gets anything off. I recommend her videos.
      You might try limescale remover?

    4. Sorry*

      What are you filtering? I have hard water and have a softener. Has worked very well. My water heater lasted over 35 years.

      1. Fit Farmer*

        Yes, commenting to say the same, my water is off the charts for hardness. A water filter won’t help, but a water softener fixes it 100%. Not that it’s necessarily a cheap installation, but I don’t think a filter will do it. This doesn’t help your immediate problem, I know, but I wanted to say that there is a solution out there!

  49. Forensic13*

    Writing people—has anyone ever written a book and had beta readers look over it after the first draft? How did you find them? Do you usually have to pay people?

    I have one fairly solid draft, and while I am not bad at revision, I desperately need a second pair of eyes on it, if only because I’m getting annoyed reading the same thing over and over.

    I had a few friends who offered but their lives have (understandably) gotten in the way.

    2. Princess Deviant*

      I did, I went to a friend who found someone who gave me feedback for free and I also asked on twitter and got 1 person to give me feedback, both of which were helpful.

    3. word nerd*

      I’m a freelance editor on Upwork, but I do the bulk of my copyediting for one accounting firm outside of the site. I would think about what sort of feedback you’re looking for at this point.

      Are you wanting feedback about big-picture stuff right now, like plot structure, flow, characters, whether things make sense overall (developmental editing)? Or are you already happy with the overall structure and want some line-by-line help with grammar, tightening up sentences, etc. (copyediting)? Or are you looking for something else?

      I see Upwork clients looking for beta readers or editing help offering a wide range of rates, but I can’t really speak to quality of the work when I haven’t hired anybody myself. Some profiles also offer packages that give you a sense of how much it would cost for someone to look at your manuscript.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I had several people I know who love & understand the genre, and whose taste & judgment I trust. I asked maybe 7-9 people and got comments from 5, extensive comments from 2.

      After the initial ask, I sent a note with the manuscript asking for the specific type of feedback I was looking for in regard to character, logic, pace, entertainment value, etc. The note also included a requested timeframe and very explicit permission to bail out, but just to let me know.

      It was very helpful to see where people tripped up in similar places.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’ve heard of people who belonged to writing groups where other members of the group were able to offer feedback, but then you also have to be able to be available to offer feedback to the other members.

    6. Maryn*

      I’m a published novelist–nobody you’ve heard of–and I find my beta readers in two ways.

      One, an in-person critique group dedicated to my genre. We all help one another, critiquing 5000 words at a time, give or take. It’s slow getting through a novel, but if people like the beginning, some will volunteer to beta the whole. For my weaknesses, this is excellent, since the group includes “big picture” people who can examine plot points, character arcs, pacing, and that sort of thing, my weaknesses.

      Two, active membership in a writing site that includes opportunity to ask for beta readers in general as well as critique and general writing discussion. I like AbsoluteWrite/Forums for this. You see who knows their stuff, who understands what you’re trying do to, who reads your genre, who you like, and you can often make private beta arrangements. There is no tit for tat–I don’t exchange beta reads but pay it forward. (Transparency: After years of being just another member, I’m now a moderator there. It makes getting betas harder.)

      I would not pay for a beta read. If I’m parting with money, I’ll pay for either developmental edits or perhaps copy edits.

      If a writer feels differently about that, she should take the time to vet any paid beta reader’s skills by paying for a beta read as they would do on the whole on only the first two chapters or so.

  50. Aphrodite*

    The other day I happened to come across a recent picture of Caroline Kennedy and was shocked as all get out to see how wrinkled her face is. (I almost didn’t believe it was her.) She’s only 64 but I swear she looks 25 years older than her age!

    I haven’t been a sun person since my mid-teens so I look fantastic now, partly because I love and wear fashion hats. But now I am specifically searching out sun hats with very wide brims. I do have three white straw ones that fit my broad rim requirements but I also spent the last two hours down a rabbit hole of sun hats made of cotton or cotton-type materials that bend and fold easily. The choices and prices are wonderful. Woohoo!

    1. Sundial*

      I keep my sunhat in the back window of my car, so it’s handy when I’m out and about, but the sun beating on it has it crumbling, so I’m shopping for new.

      I am specifically saving up for the San Diego Hat Company’s Women’s Ultrabraid XL Brim Floppy Hat. I’ve only ever owned the standard beige straw-like sunhats, but this one is available in a deep blue that I adore.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If you find a nice hat with a wide brim that looks woven but can roll and fold, PLEASE post it here! I have a lovely one from about 20 years ago that is made from woven paper but looks sort of like straw. I have not been able to find one that I like as well. There are very nice ones that you can slightly squish, but you can’t really roll them up.

      1. Aphrodite*

        I found a bunch at Amazon! If you enter “sun hat” in the search box they should all come up. But here are ones I have put in my cart to hold:

        https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0B76MFD9N/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=A2VZZZPMFILNA&psc=1

        https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PJDJ85N/ref=ox_sc_act_title_2?smid=A2JTZJYM3L9EVC&psc=1

        https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0032AMW4C/ref=ox_sc_act_title_3?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1

        https://www.amazon.com/Lanzom-Womens-Floppy-Foldable-B-Black/dp/B06XRVRGJD/ref=sr_1_15?crid=2J8MX0W0PLAFX&keywords=sun+hats&qid=1663447682&sprefix=sun+hats+%2Caps%2C252&sr=8-15

        Here are two links to sun hats, one for women, one for all:

        https://www.amazon.com/s?k=sun+hats&s=review-rank&crid=220FA2ONWJJY7&qid=1663447726&sprefix=sun+hats%2Caps%2C183&ref=sr_st_review-rank&ds=v1%3Aon5NpvRNXQ8lECY0OFUOpHxYfnhJnB4mvHA8SVY2M%2FY

        https://www.amazon.com/s?k=sun+hats+for+women&s=relevanceblender&crid=Y8U3H6PMHZ1U&qid=1663447838&sprefix=sun+hats+for+women%2Caps%2C283&ref=sr_st_relevanceblender&ds=v1%3A%2Fl9WtqsY7kuPHh67WJYkEwl%2FxHHulN825jzOo%2F5Y%2BTg

      2. Emma*

        It’s expensive, but I have a Sol a Mer hat that’s woven, and is foldable. It’s made in the US, and has a lifetime warranty. It was just over $100, and I plan to have it for the rest of my life!

      3. Alaska_Blue*

        Lorna Murray, in Australia, sells an oragami inspired straw hat that folds up. Spendy for a hat, but the folding option and variety of colors/patterns is fabulous.

    4. Sorry*

      While I understand what you are saying she (to me) is an example of aging gracefully. It’s nice to not see the evidence of plastic surgery and that her face matches her neck.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Yeah, this came off as not so nice to me! You can be happy with your own looks without putting someone else down.

        2. Aphrodite*

          I didn’t mean to be mean or come across that way. I was just, and still am, so stunned. I know little about her but my thoughts immediately to how much her family (of origin) loved the sun: sailing, boating, outdoor football, tennis, etc. Fun life but all that time spent in the sun really shows now. And she is far from the only one but it just happened to be one of those ad pictures that show up when you are reading something else. I thought I recognized her but wasn’t sure until I googled it.

          1. un-pleased*

            Why not just open the conversation by talking about sun protection? This is so odd. Eventually your age and habits are going to catch up to you, too.

          2. Coconutty*

            But what was the point of sharing it here? It’s so nasty. It’s also untrue — she looks like a woman in her 60s and I bet she’s happy to be there. Sun protection is very important, but it’s not going to cover up how you talk about people.

          3. SMH*

            Making nasty comments about someone’s looks while adding, “I look fantastic” is not accomplishing what you think it is.

            Neither is writing “I didn’t mean it that way” and then writing four sentences about why you were right to say it in the first place.

      2. MEH Squared*

        I agree with you. She looks her age and that she is comfortable (and happy) in her own skin. We’re just so used to older women in the public eye looking unnaturally smooth and wrinkle-free because of plastic surgery that it can be jarring to see someone who has had no obvious work done.

    5. Bibliovore*

      I’m surprised how old I look every time I accidentally glance at a reflection. It takes me a minute to recognize myself. I remember a quote from years ago that “this is what 60 looks like”

      1. London Calling*

        My hairdresser has overhead spots and I really wish they didn’t. The light nestles in every wrinkle.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      Honestly I think she looks wonderful, but I personally like wrinkles. I like the ones that show expressions and I like the ones that are outdoorsy. It’s okay if you don’t want that, but women in my family are pretty outdoorsy and still look after their skin. You can have wrinkles and still have lovely soft skin.

    8. RagingADHD*

      If you think CK looks 90 years old, you have been indoctrinated by the media’s obsession with Botox and Instagram filters. She looks fit and active, and to me looks a good bit younger than the average woman her age that I see in everyday life.

      I’m sure it’s very nice for you to be proud of how “fantastic” you look, but I’d encourage you to take a look inside and ask yourself why you need to shame other women for normal aging in order to feel good about yourself. The casual way you denigrate someone’s face just as a segue to talk about hats is jarring.

      Pretty is as pretty does, as my grandma used to say.

      1. un-pleased*

        Thank you. And it was pretty dang jarring, too, how many commenters just jumped into the hat conversation like the original post was a cool way to start a conversation. What the heck.

    9. London Calling*

      Women in their sixties have wrinkles and saggy necks. Sorry to break this to you. We also have swollen ankles, saggy stomachs, bunions and crepey hands. And have been known to fart at inappropriate moments.

      1. MaryLoo*

        We’ll said!
        I think a person’s wrinkles etc are a combination of sunblock and heredity. Some people are genetically predisposed to age with fewer wrinkles and crepey skin.

        But our society in general doesn’t know what actual age if looks like. For example, the number of women who color their hair to hide grey. And the assumption that someone with grey hair is automatically old.

        I’ve heard similar comments that wearing glasses makes you look old. Never understood that one, everybody in my family has worn glasses since they were 7 or 8 years old.

    10. strawberry ice cream*

      You know, some of that is genetics. My dad *is* 90, and probably has just a few more wrinkles as the photos I looked up of Caroline Kennedy. He *loves* the sun, lives in a tropical country, and spends and hour or two in the sun every day. His wrinkles, or lack, are 100% genetic. The skin cancer (non-dangerous type, forgot the name) is 100% due to the sun. My mother, who was younger, looked easily 15 years older. She barely spent any time in the sun. Sometimes, it’s just genes.

    11. Hiring Mgr*

      I don’t know who you thought you saw, but unfortunately Caroline Kennedy died in the same plane crash as her husband JFK Jr. But if she were alive she’d only be about 60 or so I think..

      2. SMH*

        That was Carolyn Kennedy.

        Caroline Kennedy is JFK (Sr.) and Jackie’s daughter. She’s the current U.S. Ambassador to Australia.

        1. Hiring Mgr*

          Yes now I see. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis has to be in the top ten first ladies. I always heard my parents and historians talk about her TV tour of the white house

  51. Not So NewReader*

    Spray paint for metal.

    I need to try a different brand other than the one that begins with rust.

    What do you use that you like?

    1. Stinky kitty*

      There’s always Krylon, but that may be an offshoot of Rustoleum. Then there’s always cheapo generic brands. Why isn’t Rustoleum working for you?

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Rustoleum or Krylon are pretty much the only decent brands that I’m aware of, at least available to consumers. I don’t know what commercial metal paint options may be.

      If your problem is a failed paint job, then its either improper prep or improper product (or both). The type of metal is important, you paint wrought iron differently than bare aluminum for example. If your problem is the color choice, you can sometimes use house paint on top of appropriate metal primer to get a wider range of colors. YMMV.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Thank you both.

      Ya know, I had one can of Krylon that someone gave me and it just seemed to go better than the other brand. I think I will try that brand.
      It’s a number of things with the other brand. And topping it all off, when I go to use it again, it won’t spray. smh. So much waste.

      1. Stinky kitty*

        Oh yeah, that’s always been an issue with Rustoleum AFAIK. Something that will help is to make sure the can is warm. Low temp means low pressure which allows it to clog. Sometimes you can clean the nozzle with thinner and a small wire. I have maybe a dozen cans that clogged in the can. I’ve got some paint drying ATM and I let the cans sit in the sun to warm up. And holey crap spray got expensive! $10 a can for the good stuff around here. Not as bad as Testor model paint though…It runs about $4 for 1/4 ounce!

  52. Help my house is possessed*

    Tried to clean, vacuum is broken. Tried to print manual to troubleshoot vacuum, printer threw a fit about driver updates. Couldn’t figure out driver updates. Am now eating ice cream.

    Sending cleaning and decluttering motivation. What gets you revved up to tidy?

    2. Filosofickle*

      Right now? It’s a distraction from grief. I pull it together for 15 minute bursts of productivity.

    3. WellRed*

      Hah! I tried to return two bags of recycling: bin was full. Got screws to replace a stripped one for a cupboard door: they need to be snipped with a plier and I don’t have the hand strength. Wanted mums: didn’t have what I was looking for. Bought chili ingredients and remembered my stove dials are all effed up. I’ve hung it up for the day.

    4. Aphrodite*

      I find watching an episode (or even two but no more as I can’t take it) of Hoarders on YouTube will do it.

      *shudders*

    5. Generic+Name*

      My main motivation to do serious cleaning and organizing is when I have a huge deadline looming and cleaning is a great way to avoid finishing something I really need to complete. That or being really stressed about something I can’t control. Sigh.

    6. North Wind*

      For me it often takes knowing someone is coming in, even if it’s just for some kind of maintenance.

      My home is picked up and uncluttered – things are put away, the bed is made, the dishes done every day. But my AC puts out an ungodly amount of dust, and I find that hard to stay on top of.

      When I do finally knuckle down to get housework done, it helps me to set a timer and work for 20-minute periods of time. I really, really hate cleaning. I feel physically uncomfortable and unsettled doing it. Except for dishes – I find that relaxing.

  53. 00ff00Claire*

    A question for the pet people here! I’d like to know if it is actually possible to make the quick on a dog’s nails recede through frequent trimmings or is that a pipe dream?

    Our dog is a chihuahua we adopted from rescue, so between her genes and past experiences, she’s anxious about certain things. Her nails have been on the long-ish side since she came to us. Fortunately, they don’t curl under, so there’s no imminent danger of them growing into her pads. However, some of them still usually hit the floor when she’s walking on hard surfaces. She walks better on hard surfaces right after a trim, but once they grow just a little, it’s easier for her to skid on the floor and she is not a fan. I’ve known other dogs who aren’t phased by this, but for our dog it scares her and she loses confidence walking on hard floors. Because of this, I’d like to be able to trim her nails shorter than the quick currently allows, so if it’s actually possible to make the quick recede we will make an attempt. If it’s really not possible, I don’t want to put her through the stress of more frequent trimmings.

    I have found guides and videos online, but only one where someone described a success story, and even that one wasn’t particularly helpful. Everything else is just a how-to guide. Being handled and walking on smooth surfaces are both unpleasant for our dog, but we have made progress with both grooming and navigating our house. We have gotten to the point with her where she will acquiesce to a trim at home with Millers Forge clippers and plenty of treats. I trim her nails about every two weeks but I only cut them straight, and they are all different lengths, so I cannot get all of them up off the floor when she is walking on a hard surface. About two weeks is when we notice her beginning to “worry” about walking the hard floor, so that’s the balance we’ve struck between floor distress and grooming distress. I think we’re at the point where she could tolerate more targeted grooming, like what is recommended to make a quick recede.

    Has anyone been able to actually accomplish this, getting a dog’s nail quick to recede through clipping? I think I would feel better about trying it if I heard a success story or two. Everything I can find online is either just a how-to or people who’re frustrated because they try it and it doesn’t work. Those non-success reports make me hesitant to give it a go. Also, if you have been successful with this, do you have any advice? As I mentioned, we have been making progress with things that cause her anxiety. She has come a long way and she continues to improve, but I don’t want to cause her distress over something that won’t work. We do have a few other constraints, so unfortunately at this time walking in order to wear the nails naturally or going to a professional groomer to work on her nails aren’t feasible options. TIA for any encouraging stories and/or advice from someone who’s done this before!

    1. Dreary Doc*

      Doubt trimming will change the quick. What about those little covers they make for pet nails? Available at Chewy I think.

    2. A313*

      That sounds like it would be very painful and not likely to be successful, tho I get that the current situation isn’t ideal, either. You can try asking your vet about it.

      Any chance you can put runners down for her? I did this for my cat after she had knee surgery, and it gave us both some peace of mind. It wasn’t really an aesthetic I was going for, but it was worth it!

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        Yes, neither is ideal – I feel like we’re stuck a little between a rock and a hard place! We do have rugs in most rooms, and fortunately we are able to trim the nails often enough that she can navigate where she needs to go on the hard floors. We have some strategically positioned welcome mats and we put a bed in the kitchen for her to hang out in. We’ve casually thought about getting more / new rugs, so maybe we need to research that as well. Thanks!

    3. Newbie*

      Yes, it is possible. Dremeling a little bit every few days is easiest, but I usually use clippers, and we do a lot of walking on pavement in between. That serves to round off the nail and make it more obvious where to cut next.

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        Thanks for the feedback! I have thought about trying a dremel, but I don’t think we’re quite ready for that yet (both the dog and me, lol). It is good to hear someone say they have been able to do it!

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Absolutely possible, but not easy. I was able to get a very overgrown set of nails short enough to not click on hard floors, but it took like a year of dedicated monthly trims and was only possible because she had clear nails with very visible quicks. Long walks on pavement help too, if that’s a possibility.

      A dremel would’ve been faster and easier, but we were both afraid of it. Another option is to have them cut way back under sedation and just be dedicated to maintenance. Nails alone aren’t worth the risk of anesthesia obviously, but if you can do it during a spay or dental it’s a good option.

      1. Eh, nonymous*

        Yeah, all the walking turns the end into a more obvious little point to snap off next time you clip. I don’t know that walking itself makes them shorter (at least on my dog), but it makes knowing where to clip SO much easier.

    5. Cormorannt*

      I’ve had limited success with my rescue beagle mix. His nails grow fast and were quite long when we got him. They grow out and don’t curve down that much, so walking on pavement doesn’t keep them to a reasonable length. For a while I was trimming his nails every week and the quick did recede some. It wasn’t a ton, but once they were a little shorter I wasn’t as consistent. I use the scissor-style clippers and my husband feeds him a steady stream of treats (dog is very food-motivated). I trained my other dog – who was quite smart and picked up training quickly – to paw at a board covered with sandpaper to wear his nails down. That only takes care of the front nails but he hated trims so every little bit helped. There are videos on YouTube that show how to train a dog to do that.

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        Thanks for the comment and suggestion. We have the same problem – our dog’s nails grow out and don’t curve much either. While I’m glad they don’t dig into her pads, they look like little talons and get in the way of her traction. I’ll check out youtube for videos on the sandpaper. We have done some training with her, and she’s kind of hit or miss on what she picks up on, but she might be able to get that.

    6. EventingForChickens*

      VERY doable! If you haven’t already, read the August 19 2013 article on Susan Garrett’s blog entitled “Cutting Your Dog’s Nails: How Important Is It Really?” and watch the embedded video. They aren’t likely to recede if you’re only cutting them straight and if you have a lot of ground to cover, I would do them every few days until they’re closer to where you want them.

      I took my in-law’s JRT from hobgoblin to nice and short with just the red handle Millers Forge clippers (and a human Emory board/nail file).

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        Thanks for the article and video and also for sharing your experience. It’s encouraging to hear that you had success! The video is helpful and I wonder if that explains partly why our dog has a problem with the surfaces. If she isn’t able to orient herself correctly on the hard floor, it would explain why she approaches them as if she is afraid she will fall off. I have seen the technique explained about cutting the nails at a different angle, but this video had a much better explanation for why it worked and what it should look like. The other links from that article look helpful too so I will check them out as well!

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      For some animals, frequent trimming will cause the quick to gradually recede. But not all. I don’t know why it works for some but not all, nor do I know the proportion of success vs failure. Your best bet if you want to try is to figure out how to make nail trimmings less stressful, that way the downside is lessened.

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        Thanks, maybe this explains the weird juxtaposition of matter-of-fact tutorials and reddit threads where people can’t get it to work! We’ll definitely keep working on things to make the trimmings less stressful, even if I don’t decide to try shortening the quick and just stick with clipping them every other week.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Honestly, trimming every two weeks along might make a difference over time! I certainly don’t trim claws that frequently.

    8. Adara*

      Is there any asphalt/concrete nearby, like a tennis court? Walking/running around on that several times a week should help do the trick. When we walked our dogs on the concrete sidewalk everyday, we never had to trim their nails. Bonus if she’ll play fetch in a tennis court and have fun!

      1. Generic+Name*

        Yeah, I’ve never trimmed my dog’s nails, but she gets lots of walks on sidewalks. Even the groomer said her nails didn’t need trimmed because they were already short.

      2. 00ff00Claire*

        Walks aren’t really an option right now, unfortunately, but I hadn’t thought of the tennis court. We will have to look and see if there is a one where we could hang out without disturbing any tennis players. Thanks for the suggestion!

    9. Dog and cat fosterer*

      I have done it by trimming the nails weekly, consistently. I trim the tip a bit more, because it has no blood and it is the hardest part.

  54. OyHiOh*

    How do you get over last minute changes of plans?

    I just spent a goodly amount of time crying on the phone to my partner because my babysitter fell through at the past possible moment (fucking COVID – the only socially acceptable reason to cancel an engagement these days) and I can’t go to a special event with him tonight in a different city. I just moved, I’ve got a long list of things I should do, that, let’s be honest I’m probably not going to do.

    1. Filosofickle*

      I don’t think there’s a “get over it” formula. You just have to feel your feelings — reading between the lines, it sounds like a stressful time (moving is so hard) and this was something special you were looking forward to (date night! an event!). Of course you’re disappointed! It’s okay to be disappointed. And it’s also okay to let yourself off the hook for the list of things. This was supposed to be a night off, let it be as much of one as you can considering you’re on kid duty.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      When stuff reduces me to tears it’s time to take a look at my basics. Usually this ends up being get more rest. New city, canceled plans, long to-do list- that’s called a bad mix. Do something that restores you in some way. Call it a day and just vow to “go at it” again tomorrow but maybe at half speed.

      We have to take time to put things into ourselves. We can’t just run and run and run.

    3. ThatGirl*

      Make pancakes or order pizza or do something fun and watch a movie – give yourself permission to be disappointed and bummed and then try to roll with it.

    4. Dont be a dork*

      Have a good wallow in your disappointment. You were looking forward to a treat that you now don’t get to have — it’s OK to feel bad about that. If you just moved, you were probably not just crying about the baby sitter, to be fair. Tears are catharsis and you probably have a lot of stored up stress and anxiety from the move.

      Have a good cry, dig up a good book or mindless show and chill for a couple of hours. If you can, have a nice wallow in the tub or a good hot shower. I know that might not be possible, depending on the age(s) of your child(ren), but a good bath soak often helps me reorient myself after disappointment.

    5. Stay-at-Homesteader*

      I had to miss what would have been my first weekend away from my 1 year old and my first whole weekend away from all children since having my first (four years ago!) due to getting COVID and honestly, that was back in June and I’m still sad about it. Umm, so, no advice, but commiseration because hashtag momlife can feel stifling and those moments that make us feel like separate humans have been even fewer and further between since the pandemic started.
      I personally talked to several cartons of ice cream about my feelings and am planning a make-up getaway (not nearly as good, but at least it’ll be time to myself) for my birthday next month.

      1. Catherine*

        “I personally talked to several cartons of ice cream about my feelings”

        This will be me in therapy tomorrow, talking about my week.

    6. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Usually it involves comfort food and a good show or movie. I’m sorry that happened. What were you looking forward to the most?

    1. ThatGirl*

      I knew myself better throughout my 30s – had more emotional stability and mental clarity (I am in my early 40s now). Life felt more stable. Of course, this will vary by person, but it was true for me.

    2. FACS*

      The ability to say no without guilt. Realization that the fact that someone has an opinion about me does not make it my priority. Giving up underwire bras. Cultivating my garden of friends and gradually shedding the folks who judge or undermine. Settling into my career. Laughing more, worrying less. A friend gave me a pillow that says “Behold the field in which I sow my f***s. Gaze upon it and see that it is barren”. Caring more about what I care about and less about what I don’t. Pedicures. Old dogs. Better taste in wines. Agitating for what matters. I’m mid 50’s now.

    3. Ranon*

      Hanging out with early 20 somethings always makes me profoundly glad I’m in my 30s, lol- there’s just so much more about the world I understand and know how to influence, which makes all sorts of things more fun!

    4. Katefish*

      So much better than 20s… hopefully you have more money and a sense of direction; even if not, you have a stronger sense of self and people stop condescending to you the way they do to kids. More aches and pains though!

    5. slowingaging*

      You are not in your 20’s. You are smarter and have a trajectory in life and still have time to change it. Also age really means nothing. I have known people in their 80’s who are living amazing lives and people in their 20’s who are doing nothing. Go crazy, live and take chances, you have time and energy to recover, if you don’t do everything perfect.

    6. RagingADHD*

      You know a lot more about what you want and start caring a lot less about what other people think. You also have enough life experience to make better judgment calls and trust your judgment more.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I agree with what people are saying here. I was starting to get a better handle on who I am and what I stand for. I worried about some things less and I started checking to see if the people I called friends were actually, you know, friendly.
      I felt more recognized as an adult when I went out into the world. I started getting into the concept of boundaries and how to set them.
      My 30s were way better than my 20s.
      Then my 40s were even better than my 30s.

      If you have been slacking some on taking care of yourself, start developing new life time habits now. It will serve you well. This can be what ever it means to you- health, savings, home whatever. Now is the time to set the course for the next chapters of your life. I am a big believer in making careful and wise choices and these choices can be cumulative in the long run.

    8. Elspeth+McGillicuddy*

      I’m only 30 myself, so not much experience yet either, but I visited a new church the other week and NOBODY asked me where I was going to school, or even if I was in school or working. So nice to have people assume I’m a full adult.

      1. anon24*

        Ooh, yeah, I’m 30 and I do not have my life together at all but people assume I do. Also, I may be lucky here, but people have stopped arguing with me as a child free by choice woman. They ask if I have kids, I laugh and say no, cats and I’m good, and no one pushes it. In my early and mid 20s everyone wanted to change my mind.

        1. PsychNurse*

          Yes! Similarly, I have only one child, by choice. When I was in my 20s and he was little, I was subjected constantly to “When are you gonna have another?” Now he’s in middle school and I’m 39, and nobody asks anymore. They just say “Oh, one boy, how nice” and move on.

    10. CW*

      I am 33. You have a better understanding in life, and will soon realize that you don’t have to have everything figured out. I still don’t have everything figured out, and that’s okay. We are always learning, and most importantly, we are not perfect – that is what makes us human.

    11. Cheezmouser*

      Agree with all of the above. I’m 39 and I feel like my 30s was when life got really fun. My 20s was all about figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be when I grow up, putting my head down and pushing hard at work, saving every penny for the wedding and a house. It was about laying the groundwork for the future. My 30s is when I got to enjoy the early fruits of my labor. I got to travel, I got promoted into a position where I had some autonomy, people started asking for my opinion at work and actually listening to my answer, we supercharged our savings (because of the higher income from those promotions), and paid off our mortgage. It was also enormously challenging, since we started a family. I feel like my 20s were about hard work and growth, my 30s is when I really hit my stride.

    12. Irish Teacher*

      Being more respected. At work and so on, you’re not the “kid” any more. Clients, etc are more likely to take your word for something rather than wondering if they should speak to somebody more senior.

      Generally, a more settled life. I don’t know your personal experience but for a lot of people, their 20s involve starting out in their career, maybe taking jobs that aren’t what they really want to do in order to get experience or taking short-term temporary contracts, dating various people, some of whom may not be right for them, living in rented apartments or shared houses etc. By your 30s, it’s more likely you’ll have a stable job, hopefully in the career of your choice, maybe be in a long-term relationship, have a home of your own, etc. Obviously, not everybody has all that by 30 or even by the end of their 30s and not everybody even wants all those things, but they are just examples. A lot of the time your 20s is working towards/preparing for the life you want whether it be a particular career or marriage and children or whatever, whereas your late 20s or 30s are when you really begin it.

    14. Stephanie*

      I LOVED my 30’s (I’m in my 50’s now)!
      I felt so much more…settled than in my 20’s. I had more of a sense of self, and more confidence.

    15. Ellis Bell*

      All my little life hacks started to fall into place at around 33, or 34. I understood my faults instead of trying to “grow up” or get rid of them, I started to account for them properly. I trusted my instincts more; if I felt like I didn’t like someone or something, I listened harder to that instinct without guilt. I stopped trying to be like other people (something I was always predisposed to), and I had a lot less fucks to give about many silly things. I stopped waiting for my life to start and found loads of joy in the smallest piece of the present day.

    16. Lifeandlimb*

      Two main things:
      – I’m a lot more self-aware in my 30s. I don’t seem to stumble into emotionally fraught situations anymore seemingly by accident because I’m a little better at controlling myself.

      – The negative sense of urgency that seemed to permeate everything in my 20s has subsided a little. I realize that everything I love to do is more of a marathon, not a sprint, so I’m better at self-maintenance. I’m not trying to be a prodigy at my job or hobbies anymore, yet I’ve been doing them with greater consistency and dedication than many people I know, so I’m doing pretty well and at peace with the pace I’m going at. It’s rather nice!

  56. Ramenlover*

    Just finished the three assassins
    This is from the guy who wrote bullet train
    Which I also read-you gotta see the movie as crazy as it gets

  57. costello music*

    This might toe the line work-related questions, but I want advice on post-work stuff.

    I got my first full time job recently, and while it’s been pretty solid, I’m so tired after work. I just want to lounge on the couch and browse the internet and cease to be a person for a bit. And once or twice is fine, but like…. everyday is insane. I still want to go out and do things and work on hobbies but I have zero (0) energy.

    Any tips on combatting that? I’m not dwelling on work, I have things I want to do—and YET.

    1. Person from the Resume*

      Give yourself more time. That change is rough. I changed to a 9 hour work day (from 8) and was tired for months. I think I eventually adjusted.

      Go to bed with enough time to get 7-8 hours of sleep.

      Make plans with friends, join an organization or a social sports team, or sign up for a class that means you’re committed to going out once or twice a week after work.

      And possibly, put down the phone. Mindless, doom scrolling makes me more tired. And maybe depressed.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree with all of this.

        I’d like to add be strategic about what day you do which thing on. For me, Wed was my peak time for fatigue. So I just needed to get extra rest on Wed night.

        I find even now with working less hours that I need an hour at home just to be mindless. It is tricky shutting down the laptop and returning to reality. But once I found I was actually recharged some what it got a bit easier.

        I’d suggest picking a downtime activity that is easier for you to walk away from if possible. For example, I can read a chapter in a book that I have to read and be content with that. I put the book down and go do something practical.

        But yes, it’s deceptive. Work can be more exhausting than we realized.

    2. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I’ve found that most days I can’t go back out after I go home. I can go do things directly after work, but once I’m home, I’m not leaving again.
      That helps for things like errands and meeting up with friends for dinner, but not so much for chores/hobbies at home!

      1. UKDancer*

        Same. If I’m going out or doing something like a dance class I go from work straight there. I know if I go home first I’m not going to want to go out.

    3. Liz in the Midwest*

      What has helped me and my husband is dramatically scaling back the difficulty of our weeknight dinners. It frees up not just time but a bunch of mental energy to know we are pulling together something super simple or eating leftovers or just, like, something that isn’t traditionally a dinner (like, say, avocado toast and some carrots and hummus, or whatever). We started this about a year ago and there is no going back.

    4. RagingADHD*

      It takes some time to get used to. I found that I did much better if I started getting ready for bed immediately after dinner, lights out by 9 or 9:30, and then got up super early to get stuff accomplished before work instead of after. It’s just a matter of finding the right rhythm that suits you.

    5. I take tea*

      You will get used to it in a month or so. Try to find some way of excersising. For me it’s dancing, however tired I am, if I drag myself to my dancing, I will feel better afterwards, even if I’m physically more tired. (My work isn’t physically challenging, if yours is, it is a different thing.)

      And, as Ginger Pet Lady says, if you can avoid going home (if you work elsewhere), it helps.

    6. Stephanie*

      I started a new job recently, and went from 20 hours a week to 30. And along with the additional hours, I have more responsibility. I love my job (mostly), but I am exhausted when I get home. Each week it gets a little bit better, so I’m just letting myself adjust and lowering my expectations for now.
      You will get used to it, and you will get to a point where you have energy to do other things after work, I promise! Just give yourself some time, and take baby steps.

    7. ecnaseener*

      If you figure it out, do let me know :) judging by these comments apparently most people get used to it, but I’m still in your shoes 3 years into full-time work, fully remote once covid started!
      I try to sign up for scheduled local events ahead of time, because if I leave it up to how I feel at 5pm I always feel like crashing on the couch. And for hobbies I do lower-energy things like sewing that I can do in front of the tv. Haven’t worked my way up to regularly scheduled hobbies yet.

    8. Red Sky*

      Since I haven’t seen this mentioned yet, you might want to make sure there’s nothing healthwise going on. Being exhausted after work has been so normalized in this country, we often overlook medical causes. Case in point- I was unknowingly anemic for a couple years(!) in my late 20’s and really tired after work, too the point of not going out at all.

      I didn’t have health insurance at the time, but when I finally got it and had my annual checkup the anemia was discovered. Getting it treated really helped with my low energy levels, so much so I was kicking myself for not figuring it out earlier since I had been anemic in my teens too.

  58. Hot Chocolate*

    Does anyone use foam earplugs at night while sleeping?

    I just got some (Mack’s Dreamgirl soft foam earplugs) and have been trying to get them inserted correctly for about half an hour. I think I’ve only been successful once. The instructions say to roll the plug between your fingers to make it a thin cylinder, then reach around your head with your opposite hand and pull your ear up and back to straighten the ear canal for insertion. (I’ve also seen videos that say to pull up and out.) Then you hold it there until it expands inside your ear. When I stop holding the plug in place, it pops out and is all bent up, so I think I’m not straightening my ear canal or inserting it correctly.

    Does anyone have any tips on how to do this? Does it take a few nights of practice to get it right?

    1. Filosofickle*

      When this happens to me it’s usually one of three things — either I’m not holding it long enough to expand properly, the foam is old stock and has lost its ability to bounce back, or they are too big/firm for my ears. My ear canals must be especially tiny since almost none fit in there properly (much less comfortably)

    2. SSC*

      Ha! Finally found a question that fits something I know! Yes I’ve been using foam earplugs since college… 20 years ago… when I learned I was a light sleeper and couldn’t expect the dorm noise to adjust to me. It takes some practice to quickly insert them deep enough into your ear canal, so they’re in place before they start expanding. The reach-around-back-of-your-head with the opposite hand is def best. Just keep practicing the angle. I find when the flat end is about flush with opening of my ear canal, it’s in place for the night.

      1. SSC*

        PS, Mack’s makes a slim fit version. Those fit my smaller ears better. That may be part of your challenge if the ones you’ve got are too large for your ears.

    3. Ear Plugs*

      Had that problem, too. The insertion tips help but I found the brand Hear-o’s works for me. They’re softer & squishy-er than other brands. I found them at a drugstore. I have to change them after a few months because they do get stuff and quit staying in.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      Similar to SSC, I’ve been using foam earplugs for decades, and SSC’s suggestions for making them fit are solid. It can also take a while to find a brand you like. For instance the tapered ones have always fallen out. I now use the foam cylinders. I discovered they are too long for me, so whenever I get a package of new ones, I trim the ends a bit and they fit perfectly.

      If you haven’t discovered the company Earplug Superstore, you can check them out to try different kinds. I was amazed at how many designs are out there.

    5. Jackalope*

      I personally like the Fluent brand that are nontapered. I find that they stay in reasonably well and block enough sound that I can sleep (although they block higher frequencies better than lower ones, so if you have a neighbor playing a song with heavy bass, for example, they won’t be as helpful. I think that’s pretty much across the board though and not just this brand). I’ll include a link in another post.

    6. AGD*

      This might or might not be relevant to you, but my problem turned out to be, as per my audiologist, that my ear canals are VERY SMALL in diameter relative to most adults’.

      I now buy children’s earplugs.

    7. PsychNurse*

      I successfully used those for several months, and then I developed some sort of sensitivity to them. If I even started to insert them, my ear canals would immediately become unbearably itchy. It was so weird! So I switched to the silicone type. I think they’re easier to insert and they work really well.

  59. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

    Question for British readers (and has nothing to do with the Queen.)

    How do your detectives like DCI rank afford their custom suits? Is this just a thing in literature? Are your detectives all upper class people from money like Inspector Linley?

    I e always wondered about that because here in the states, policemen do not make nearly enough to dress well.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I’m not British but I know that the constant refrain of fictional witnesses and suspects telling fictional upper-class DCIs “you don’t look like a policeman” is a pretty good indicator that they are not intended to be a representative sample.

      A non-aristocratic fictional police officer in a custom suit usually turns out to be corrupt.

    2. Kiwiapple*

      sigh. as a Brit, no, our detectives and police officers do not all come from the upper classes nor do they wear custom made outfits.

    3. Weegie*

      it’s just a thing in literature – real-life police detectives who wear suits just look like ordinary office workers. The Inspector Linley character is ludicrously unrealistic in all kinds of ways (yes, I know it’s fiction, but still!)

      1. UKDancer*

        Linley is completely unrealistic. Elizabeth George is not British and it’s pretty clear to anyone who is that she’s not local. She also has some pretty wince inducingly awful stereotypes for her BAME characters which are out of date with the way things are in London.

        I’ve known a few coppers over the years and none of them are upper class and titled. They’re all middle class / working class backgrounds. Most of them get their suits in Marks and Spencers from the look of them.

        The police isn’t badly paid once someone gets off probation and the pension is good so most police officers can afford a reasonable standard of living especially at the higher grades (Inspector, Superintendent and upwards) but not to the extent of wearing custom tailored suits.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      This is not a thing in real life. I’m in the UK and I’ve had reason to meet police officers of various ranks in my professional life and they are not all wearing custom suits nor from upper class backgrounds.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I thought of the Hong Kong tailors who do tours to the UK and offer custom made suits at bargain prices. At least that’s what the adverts say, but of course the lovely quality fabrics push the bill up.

        1. UKDancer*

          Absolutely. I asked a friend who was a tailor to quote for a silk shirt for my ex-boyfriend for a special occasion genuinely not realising how expensive that would turn out to be. He told me and I winced. I understood what his labour would cost but hadn’t factored in how much good fabric costs. We settled on something that wasn’t silk and it was absolutely amazing.

          Handmade things like suits cost a lot more than most people are willing to pay. I know one person who gets handmade shoes from Jermyn Street and he’s an old fashioned elderly gentleman with no family to support and it’s his main indulgence. I know one other chap who gets his clothes off the peg but has them adjusted by a tailor but that’s because he’s unusually short and standard sizing doesn’t work for him.

          I don’t know any police officers with the level of disposable income to bother. The ones I’ve met have been fundamentally uninterested in clothes.

  60. Hip Replacement*

    Have you had a hip replacement? Anterior or Posterior? How was your recovery? Are you happy with it?

    1. Nitpicker*

      I have had both hips replaced – one in October 2020 and the other in February 2021. Both hips were in really bad shape – before the operations I could barely walk WITH a walker. For that reason recovery was slow. (You need to ask your surgeon about precautions during recuperation.) Now that it’s done I am absolutely thrilled and only wish I had done it sooner.
      I think it was lateral-posterior. The scars are to the side towards the back.
      Three people I know have also had the surgery recently and each of them has had a slightly different experience. All are happy though.

    2. strawberry ice cream*

      If you go through the weekend archives in this site, that question has been asked/answered two or three times in the last few months.

  61. Valentine*

    I want to be disciplined in the things I want to do. I want to be able to read more books, write more stories, exercise, learn new tech, learn new music, etc.

    How does one become disciplined in doing these things?

    Every time I try something, I fall off the wagon. Do I just keep going back up and try again?

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Hi Valentine, what is your attention span like? For example, do you read a book and then not read another, do you write three short stories in a week and then nothing for three years, etc?
      What is your definition of discipline? I think you CAN probably achieve more over a period of time if you find methods that suit your nature, and that don’t lead to you getting bored with any particular task.
      My main thought would be to question the wagon you keep falling off – is the wagon too big? Too small? Is the road too rough, do you have to do all the steering, where are you actually heading? For example – exercising – do you think it has to be 10,000 steps a day or an hour at the gym – do you have a goal in mind (eg getting fit enough to use the stairs at work instead of the elevator when you work on the 6th floor), do you have to be able to do it indoors or only with other people – do you have to find the very thing that you can do every day for the rest of your life? Or is it ok to do lots of little bits and pieces which altogether, over say 12 months, means that you are now more flexible, stronger, have more endurance, and have incorporated exercise in your daily life in a way that suits you?
      Get a big sheet of paper and start writing or drawing on it the things you want to achieve. Make a huge list. Think about how you can break things down eg ‘I want to read 12 books this year’ – do you already have these books? Do you have to buy them, or can you borrow them from the library? Can they all be under 200 pages? Do they have to be a certain genre or of some kind of ‘worth’ ? Are you wanting to ‘improve’ yourself in some way or looking to be entertained? Can you listen to audiobooks on the way to work? Etc etc!
      It’s possible you are not getting ahead with your aims because they are not specific enough, and so it’s hard for you to achieve any progress. And the way you are doing things doesn’t suit YOUR particular brain, so it says Nah, forget that.
      When you are doing something you DO find interesting and engaging, what makes it so? Is it morning or evening, before or after food, sunny or rainy, in company or without, music in the background or silence – try some mental research around that.
      Having written all that I feel a bit inspired now to make myself a new list of things to do! Best wishes for your research!

      1. Valentine*

        I have adhd, so it’s hard to focus on anything, but when I do get focused, I can focus for a long time.

        For reading, I realized taking breaks works for my brain. I mostly read fanfiction, but I would like to read books too.

        I think I do need to be specific so it’s easier to work with my brain.

        I work better at night, I realize. I read and write at night. I can write a chapter or one story per week.

        For the others, like exercising, learning tech and music, I still need to figure out.

        Thank you for the advice. This helped!

    2. TeaFiend*

      What I’ve found really helpful is acknowledging my limits. There are a million things I want to do and it’s just not possible to do everything AND have a social life AND work full time (heck, I had a 6-month period where I wasn’t working and still couldn’t do even 1/5 of what I wanted to).
      Next thing is starting small. Committing to one thing for a short time at a specific time. Wanna read more? Try committing to 10 minutes of reading every Monday, Wednesday and Friday when you wake up or when you’re going to bed. Simple things like that help change behaviours.
      Finally, you do have to keep at it if you want to really get there. It’s important to be patient with yourself. I know people who start something, fall off the wagon, and just kind of go “Oh well, I guess I’m just bad at committing to things and can’t maintain this…” which just becomes self-sabotage. If you can do it two times in a row, you can do it 5 times in a row. If you can do it 5 times in a row you can do it 10 times in a row. And if you can do that you can build a routine and achieve that goal. So instead of saying “Ahh I can’t do it. I stopped after X times” look at it like “I have proven to myself that I can do it X times in a row, so I can do that again and try for more this time”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes – I’m personally incredibly motivated by having a streak of having done something x many times. There’s an app I use called Streaks that measures those — you can set your goals for daily, or multiple times a day, or x many times a week, or so many minutes a day/week/month, or get a point for every time you DON’T do the thing, it’s super flexible, but it keeps track of your goals and your streaks for you, and you can set it to remind you if you haven’t hit a goal by a certain time or whatnot. Some of the options can be linked to other apps on your phone — like, I had a water tracker that I really liked already, so I marked my water intake in that app, and when the water tracker was complete for the day it automatically triggered the associated Streak goal to be marked as complete. Ditto when one of my goals is to complete the red ring on my Apple Watch. There’s a bunch already set up in there that you can choose from as pre-sets, but it’s pretty easy to make your own.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Yes. I am now handily beating my yearly book reading challenge thanks to audiobooks and COVID and also doing less other stuff.

        I just joined a CrossFit gym and my goal is 3 workouts a week which is AT LEAST 6 hours when I include the commute and having to shower after but the reality at the beginning at least the exhaustion ate my whole evening after work because I didn’t manage anything else except dinner and maybe doing dishes. I’m enjoying it, but it eats time for other worthy activities.

        Routines and habits help, but also ask yourself what you’re going to give up in order to do these things instead.

        I have thought that I’d like to make plans with friends for dinner and then remembered I was going to the gym. It’s a trade off.

        1. Valentine*

          Right now, I have all the time in the world, so I time to do everything I want. I just need to focus on it.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Re discipline: I don’t know if this would be helpful, but there are apps that “gamify” goals, to-do lists, habit-forming, etc. (There’s one called Habitica that looks rather fun, with lots of ways to tune it to your specific wants.) The game/reward aspect can sometimes be more encouraging than a more basic check-things-off-of-a-list – though you’d still have to go through the effort of setting it up for the things you want to do more consistently.

    4. RagingADHD*

      The active decision to return to these projects when the routine falls apart *is* self-discipline.

      Some things can turn into consistent habits that don’t require extra mental effort to make yourself do them – reading and exercise might be good candidates for that.

      But learning things, writing, stuff that requires a lot of mental effort, probably isn’t going to become automatic because it takes a higher level of commitment. It will always have to be a choice.

      Every time you do them, you are being disciplined, even if it is not totally consistent or habitual.

    5. Lore*

      I find some sort of tracking system very helpful. Doesn’t need to be formal, but for example I keep a reading journal (briefly I had a blog and maybe I’ll go back to it sometime) in a Google doc. Or I track exercise in a spreadsheet with a goal of a certain number of total “points” per week. No one sees this but me, but it helps keep me accountable.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I think it’s one of life’s cruel streaks, but it’s what we do when we fall off the wagon that IS the discipline.

      So think back of times where you didn’t do something and had to correct course. This can be anything- late for work, forgot to file taxes, lost a bill you had to pay. What did you do to get yourself on track again. Here, you want to think about what worked in the end- what corrected the course for you?

      Ease of use is a common thread with me. If something is not easy to set up and do, then forget it. What this could look like is keeping a book beside your bed so you read before turning out the light. Real easy, the book is beside you, ready to go.

      Some things may lend themselves better to summer time start ups or winter time start ups. Reading more books would be a winter focus for me. Summer is too busy. But learning tech could go a number of ways. If I signed up for a course at a local college, I’d want to do that in the spring/summer because of travel and weather.
      I was just thinking the other day that I want to paint my bathroom accessories. Well, I have to take them off the wall and lay them out to paint them. This means spring or fall, when the (unheated) room I would use to do that is a bit warmer but not HOT.

      I have a friend who loves puzzles. Winter time is for puzzles in her mind. But you can go a lot of ways with this, you could decide to spend the first 6 months of the year learning new tech and the last 6 months learning new music. I do love the idea that certain activities happen according to season.

      I think the most important thing is to build in down time. If you “have to” do something it stops being fun. Set a pace that is realistic and keeps the activity enjoyable. It’s okay not to read every day. It’s okay not to study music every day and so on.

      1. Valentine*

        Thank you. I’ll keep that all in mind. I just need something that works for me. I’ll start off small and do things one at a time until the habit sticks!

  62. Lcsa99*

    Totally random question. Has anyone used a wig with long sideburns? I just got one and the sideburns are curled a little so they stick out. I would rather not use spirit gum, and I don’t want to try multiple products till I get it right, so any ideas on the best product or tool to use to get them to lay flat? It is synthetic so I can’t use a straightening iron.

    1. Nope*

      Would rolling them the other way, and clipping/otherwise securing them for a short period of time work? Unless you want to wear it tomorrow. It probably is best done over a weekend or something similar.
      I use that method for paper and similar.

  63. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    How do you organize charger cables? Not while they’re in use, but the extras. I have cables for USB-A and USB-C blocks, with micro-USB and USB-C and lightning and six different specialty ends, and right now they’re all in a box but the one I’m looking for is never one of the ones on the top :-P

    2. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I make sure that I only keep cables that go with a current device and are used, then get rid of the extras. I try to keep them labeled too…just a piece of tape folded around the cable but I’m sure there is probably a fancier product on the market. After that, they are wound and rubber banded so it’s not a rat’s nest, and kept in a drawer.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      What about a cable organizer case? There are some that are larger than travel sized that might fit the bill.

    4. KatEnigma*

      We have, to the extent possible, made sure that everything charges via USB-C now. The EU making this mandatory for new devices has made this possible. We refuse to buy anything with a proprietary end. Otherwise, we tried to color code the cables. So all red for C, all blue for micro, etc.

    6. SunbeamLeaf*

      I got a clear photo box (designed for 4×6″ photos) from Michaels. There are 16 inner boxes so I can sort cables by type and since it’s clear I can see what’s inside. Plus the outer box holds the inner boxes in order so it’s easy to grab the one I need.

  64. Pay stubs*

    I have gone deep into my closet and found pay stubs from the 1990s on. Do I need to keep them? Mostly for jobs I don’t have any more. Some of the latest ones are for the job that I still have (well, the same organization, different job).

    2. Aaaargh*

      I dumped my old ones, only to realize waaaay later that (1) I needed them to prove gov’t service, because the gov’t got it wrong, which affected my pension; and (2) I needed them to make sure that Social Security would get my payments right. Number 1 would only apply to you if you’re a gov’t worker, but #2 would apply to nearly everyone.

      1. ronda*

        for ss you can go on the website , register and get a statement that includes your earning history. people should check that once in a while and get it corrected if there are errors.

    3. 00ff00Claire*

      You don’t have to keep them, but before you do check with your state’s Unclaimed Money database to make sure you don’t have anything owed that you would need a stub for. If a job owed you something like leave they were supposed to pay out, that somehow didn’t get to you, the stub could be helpful for claiming it. I have some money there apparently, from my first job out of college, and I need to just finish up the claims process already. Luckily I still have a stub from that job.

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Your tax forms — W2 — should be enough to keep but I tend to keep first and last pay stub…shows the proof/dates of employment and accrued PTO. If there were stubs that showed something special like a bonus or change in salary that might be worth keeping…maybe… but that should be on tax forms anyway.

    5. Nope*

      Since I’ve helped hundreds (I refuse to believe it’s really thousands, so we’ll pretend it’s not!) of people file for unemployment in the last two years, I recommend keeping first and last for any jobs you’ve had in the whatever the look-back period for unemployment is in your state. It’s particularly helpful if you’ve changed jobs in that time frame, as unemployment often asks dates started and stopped, and will not accept June 2020. They want to know it was June 8, 2020. A little fudging one way or another is do-able, but too much can come back to bite you.

  65. Road trip?*

    I’ve been seriously considering working and traveling simultaneously. My lease is up in a year. My relationship feels like a dead end. I want to do something for me. The idea of shoving everything into storage and road tripping to an area, staying a month (or more) and seeing the sights and just enjoying a new place sounds super appealing right now.

    I know different states have different tax implications for work, and my job may also have some limitations. But what else am I forgetting? Have you done this or similar and have any advice?

    1. fposte*

      There are forums for this, often RV ones or vanlife stuff, so you should have a gander at some of those for some logistic info. But the admin obstacles include the fact that you’ll likely need to have a fixed abode for official address purposes for banking, taxes, etc. A lot of people choose South Dakota for this, because there is no state income tax and the process is pretty easy.

    2. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Mail delivery, insurance and medical access would be my top concerns. A lot of health insurance is regional or state…Blue Shield of California for instance. You may not be able to get prescriptions or urgent care outside of your network without big out-of-pocket expense and difficulty. Banks, credit cards, cell phone carrier, car insurance companies…are all probably going to want a physical address rather than a PO box. You’ll need a way to routinely get your mail out of a PO box otherwise they’ll stop delivery… being unhoused can be very hard.

    4. Anon5775*

      Semi-related, a book called “Home sweet anywhere” by Lynne Martin. It’s about a retired couple traveling the world and not really living in one place, but instead living in places for a few weeks or months at a time. Talks about logistics, packing, establishing routines, etc but they are not working and not in America.

  66. Might Be Spam*

    I don’t understand Etsy shipping costs. Out of curiosity, I looked for some cookie molds that match ones I already own and the prices really surprised me. Most were over $300 and the shipping costs were more than the price. A shortbread mold was $625 and the shipping was $675 for a total of $1,300. How can the shipping be so high for such a small item? They are made out of clay, not gold and I can’t believe that they are at all rare.

    1. KatEnigma*

      They are entirely, 100%, set by the seller. The same complaint used to be made about Ebay sellers. You list for $10 so your listing shows up first, or under filters that searchers might have set, and then you elevate the shipping costs and maybe no one will notice until they’ve completed the order…

    2. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Are the sellers in your country? If it has to ship internationally, clear customs, currency exchange, banking fees etc. that might account for the price.

  68. Wrench Turner*

    Gardeners! We’ve got some new raised beds that we’ve filled up with okay-at-best dirt and want to start the conditioning the soil for planting in the spring.

    Any suggestions for beginning a good compost/mulch/etc cycle to start bringing the dirt to life?

    With our old beds I’d throw leaves and grass clippings on there (raking is for fools and HOAs) but the soil started out much better. I don’t want to dump a bunch of fertilizer to get the soil going at planting time and we just don’t have room for a dedicated compost bin.

    1. KatEnigma*

      Leaves and grass clippings (not too much of the brown matter), shredded cardboard, and if you CAN find it, some perlite to lighten the soil. Also add some worms once you’ve gotten a good amount of organic matter in the beds.

      Trust me, your soil couldn’t be worse than our first raised beds at a rental in Silicon Valley and we couldn’t find the perlite… We had the best crops on just overturning our crappy soil and adding the leaves and grass clippings and worms.

    2. eeeek*

      The best compost my former garden ever made was from the mulch and clippings we used between the beds – I had skimmed off the sod, then laid fabric weedblock (or newspaper, or cardboard), then several inches of shredded hardwood to keep weeds down. I’d also throw leaves and clippings into the paths and spread it around (because, of course, we still need to walk on it). By the end of the second season, that mulch had broken down into lovely material I could turn into the beds. And lay down a new layer of mulch in the next season. So we didn’t have a compost pile – more like a long, narrow, shallow compost path…
      But that takes a while to get going, so maybe jump start your beds with some bagged (or municipal) compost…?

    3. SpellingBee*

      Google lasagna or sheet composting. You have a nice long window of time until you want to plant, which is ideal for this method. You might want to add a bag or two of good-quality purchased compost to help get things started.

    4. Rose is a roseis a rose*

      If your local climate allows, maybe a cover crop like fall rye? Let it grow over the fall/winter and next spring dig it into the soil approximately 2 weeks before you plan on planting anything. Alternatively, now is a great time to start collecting fallen leaves to cover your soil. If you have a lawnmower with a bag attachment it makes it really easy to shred and collect fallen leaves, and the shredded leaves will break down more readily.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am a big fan of rock dust. (Also called Jersey Greensand.) Basically it’s ground up rocks. There is a huge price range so shop around. It loosens clay and brings cohesion to sandy soils.

      The minerals bring microbes, and then earthworms enter because, yum! microbes. (Very simple explanation some one here may do a deeper dive into the explanation.)

      I have clay here. I bought a brand I could afford. I assume it’s not as rich, not as high quality, as other brands. What happened next was amazing. The clay soil became loaded with earth worms. The family of robins living in the front yard, brought their babies over to feed on the worms. (Four “teenagers” and two adults. What a racket of chirping.)

      Because my garden budget was limited, I did not put the full amount down on the ground that the bag suggested. And it still proved to be a worthwhile thing. So in short I bought a brand that was probably not top drawer, I put down less than recommended and the results wowed me. Yeah, the soil was alive.

      If you’ve got it set now, I’d def would put some greensand on it before winter flies. That will give it time to work down into the soil. Being the frugal person I am I took a rake and made sure the greensand was mixed into the soil and would not blow away.

      If you are using the bed as a veggie garden, then you will want to replace nutrients that get drawn out of the soil by the veggies. Additionally, with raised beds there can be some run off so replenishment can be more important. I am not clear on why you don’t want to dump fertilizer on the bed. Maybe you are thinking of smells? Composted cow manure does not have that strong a smell. I am aware of it when I put it down but after that it seems fine.
      If you are using other fertilizers I would recommend following the instructions on the package, so you are not dumping “a bunch” of fertilizer down. (Nitrogen run off and all that.) Just like people and pets, plants need nutrition.

      Former nursery person here, but I am also long term frugal person. I get the rock dust and I get a bag of organic 5-10-5 granules. That’s it. I shop around for price on these things.

    6. Garden Lover*

      This is also great timing for picking up fresh manure if you can find a local source. Since you have time before you’ll be planting on it, you don’t have to worry about burning your crops with fresh manure. Yes, there will be a smell since it’s fresh, but unless the odor really bothers you, go for it.
      If you have fairgrounds or animal farms near you, you might be able to pick up a bucket or two (or more!) free or cheap if you haul it yourself, provided you have a pickup or similar. My husband used to get annoyed at me, but I’d fill kitty litter buckets–they have great, tight-fitting lids–with fresh manure at our local fairgrounds for nothing, line the back of my SUV with a plastic tarp, and bring it home that way. Turning it under once will help to reduce the odor, too.

  69. Lifelong student*

    Very late- but I just need to vent and ask for either sympathy or guidance. My partner does the cooking- without I may say without any consideration for my preferences or tastes. I am generally not even allowed in the kitchen when partner is cooking. Now partner is experiencing a medical issue which make standing to cook difficult- so I have been cooking for a day or two. Tonight, partner- after three glasses of wine- began to take over the dinner I was cooking. I expressed some light objection to what was changed in my plan. Partner then went to bed at 6:10. I continued the dinner- and will put it all away uneaten. I think all the food will save- I ate the small amount I wanted. I was not cooking for me- I was cooking to try to please partner. I am PO’d. BTW- the meal turned out as planned and would have been good if anyone was around to eat it beside me- who is too annoyed to care about food.

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Isn’t it frustrating when partners act shockingly obtuse and self-involved like that? Is it something you can bring up soon?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Can you moved toward sharing the cooking? You cook one night and partner the next night?

      I am looking at this through my own glasses. My preferences are actually health necessities. I can’t just eat any old thing. So I would not be able to make your setting work in my life at all. There’s my bias and this is why I am kind of alarmed here.

      You know your partner, is this stubbornness and walk away behavior normal for them or is it a one off? Is controlling the food just a thing and everything else is normal?

      Meal planning happens three times a day at least plus snacks. Because of this frequency this is something that probably needs to be worked out in some way. The nature of things is that this comes up too often in the course of one day that it cannot be ignored.

    3. ronda*

      if you are able to , and I can totally understand why you might not be, ask them, with real curiosity, why they interfered with your meal prep, and went to bed without dinner.

      the answer should tell you if you should ever try to please your partner with cooking again. (I always try to stop doing things that piss me off)

      you also mention drinking…. is that an ongoing issue and if so try al-anon (or something similar). my aunt told me that when my uncle was not drinking he was the sweetest person and she just had to disengage when he was drinking.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Very gently, this sounds like a much larger issue than this one dinner. Why does Partner do all the cooking? Why are your tastes not accounted for? Why are you not “allowed” in the kitchen? Obviously this makes you angry. Why has it continued?

      Does Partner frequently drink too much? Is Partner frequently unkind to you or thoughtless when drinking (or when not drinking)? Does Partner often slither off to sulk if things don’t go their way? Do you often have to voice “light objection” when what you really feel is heavy objection? You’ve gone out of your way to characterize Parter as consistently unreasonable and yourself as consistently accommodating. Whether or not this is objectively true, you clearly feel it deeply. I don’t think it’s healthy for either of you to maintain a relationship in which you feel that your parter is bossy, thoughtless, intrusive and reactive.

      Specifically in terms of the cooking, why don’t you ask your partner how they want to handle cooking chores until their back mends? Offer that they can continue to cook on their own as best they can – and you will eat whatever they are able to make – or you can cook to their tastes or to your own tastes. Any of those are fine (if they are in fact fine with you), but whoever is cooking gets to do the cooking their own way.

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I’m sorry, this seems pretty tough for you.

      I am the main cook in my household, and I always try to keep the preferences of the people I’m cooking for in mind.

  70. PhyllisB*

    Just wanted everyone to know I saw the doctor and a hip replacement is scheduled for October 17. He told me I must be tough; this hip is BAD. (I knew that but thought I would hear it was just arthritis or something I had to live with.)

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