Abe Brown is passionate about supporting flourishing in people and organizations. He is the founder & CEO of Certified Flourishing Coaching.
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“Maybe you’re not a fit for this organization anymore.”
The words hit me with jarring impact. On the outside, I simply nodded and looked away. However, inside, it felt like I’d been punched right between the eyes. I felt pain and betrayal. I had committed and sacrificed more than a decade of my life to this cause and to this company.
Hearing those words from one of the key leaders in the organization tapped into something deep and primal in my being. My heart and mind began to race as all the dormant insecurities and fears from my earliest memories as a child began to scream for attention, triggered by those five simple words:
“Maybe you’re not a fit.”
We all need to feel that we belong. We all need to feel that our contributions are being valued, appreciated and embraced. To be on the receiving end of blatant rejection meant that I no longer belonged; I could no longer contribute because my “shape” excluded me from “fitting” in.
Weakly, I responded: “Thanks for sharing that. Can we discuss why you feel that way?”
This simple question, inviting a deeper dive, was all I could muster in the moment.
At a neurobiological level, we all need to feel safe, connected and significant in our dealings with our “tribes.” These aren’t luxuries for the privileged. Human beings have a primal need to belong, and the presence or absence of belonging can have a real impact on our performance.
Hijacked
Our conversation was diplomatic on the outside, but a war had escalated in my mind. I was being hijacked by my amygdala, the region of the brain primarily associated with emotional processes. It didn’t matter what I understood cognitively throughout the conversation. His words became a death sentence, and my brain perceived them as a threat to my survival.
The truth is that many leadership conversations, and conversations in general, are afflicted by an “amygdala hijack.” Issues are obscured by insecurity, facts are tainted by fear, answers are clouded due to anxiety and comprehension is concealed whenever our identity and sense of belonging are put into question.
An amygdala hijack occurs when our experience of a conversation or event triggers a personal and visceral response that is immediate, overwhelming and disproportionate to what is actually happening. When that occurs, our immediate responses become fear-based and irrational, and our capacity to perform at our creative and innovative best is hindered significantly.
Leadership and coaching are connected because both leaders and coaches can benefit from creating a safe environment for those they work with. Safety allows people to perform at their best, and it contributes to a healthy sense of belonging and trust. We can help create safety with three simple practices.
Awareness
It all begins with self-awareness. A large part of emotional intelligence is found in being aware of our own mental and emotional state, along with understanding the mental and emotional state of those around us. People unconsciously offer signals all the time about what they are thinking and feeling. We just need to slow down long enough to observe what they’re not saying.
Acknowledgment
It continues with acknowledgment. The practice of acknowledging the contributions and efforts of others is key. We all need to be seen, heard, understood and recognized. When people feel seen and heard, they feel safe. People need to be acknowledged and celebrated in their uniqueness, perhaps more today than ever before. This sense of safety increases their sense of belonging and can positively impact their mental health. It also elevates their performance along the way.
Appreciation
Safety is made lasting and sustainable with appreciation. We live in a world where the relentless drum of comparison tears away at our confidence and renders us feeling powerless and without agency. Specific and sincere appreciation is meaningful to both the receiver and the giver. It reinforces a shared sense of connection and community.
We often underestimate the impact that we as leaders have on our staff and surroundings. We make a massive impact by the way that we show up and relate to others. With awareness, acknowledgment and appreciation, we can create the safety that leads to high performance in ourselves and those around us.
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