Yvette Costa is an Executive Coach and Director of Coaching Services at Velocity Advisory Group. She works with individuals and teams.
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The world has been in upheaval for more than two years—a global pandemic, elections, social unrest, wars and economic downturns are all contributing to anxiety, uncertainty, angst and anger. We’re used to anxiety and uncertainty as we face that in most aspects of life. These emotions are generally considered "acceptable" in polite society. Anger, however, is not considered acceptable. I find this to be problematic. In fact, I’ve coached many clients on how to use their anger for a positive outcome. Here's how you can do it, too:
Work to understand your anger.
We are often taught in our American society not to allow ourselves to be angry. It’s not "lady-like" for girls and inappropriate for boys. It’s not polite. It shows that you can’t control yourself. It’s seen as aggression and something "nice" people just don’t do. Most of us treat our anger as though it’s unreasonable, un-showable and unmentionable. But sometimes there are appropriate times to be angry and the time we’re living in is one of them. Understanding is key.
Begin to pay attention to when you feel angry. Is it the situation or a person that appears to be the cause of your anger? What about them or the situation is maddening to you? Or are you ruminating over something from the past that's bringing up old feelings of anger? Without judging your anger or trying to change or get rid of it, simply begin to probe the root cause of your emotion.
Even though the current state of the world is off-kilter and maddeningly uncertain, anger is simply a state of being. It is neither inherently good nor bad. It’s what you do with your anger that dictates how it is labeled.
Think about your last episode of being angry. Did you feel confident? Focused? Were you able to get a lot done by channeling your anger into an activity? Were you able to persuade someone else to your point of view? Were you able to get what you wanted? There are a lot of benefits to anger when it’s used appropriately.
Recognize there are benefits to being angry.
Anger isn't always a bad thing. In fact, there are many benefits to anger, including:
• Anger is a motivating force. This occurs when you channel your anger into something that turns out to be positive or constructive. For example, you receive "constructive" feedback that causes you to focus and work even harder to achieve a goal.
• Anger can benefit relationships. Hiding your anger from your significant other or coworker doesn’t let them know they’ve done something wrong from your perspective. As a result, they keep on behaving the same way, to the detriment of your relationship. Allowing anger to be seen in a relationship and engaging in constructive discussion can help the relationship grow stronger.
• Anger can spark creativity. Anger can help you think outside of the box. It can help you focus on ideas and approaches you wouldn’t have thought of in a less angered state.
• Anger can reduce violence. Research suggests that only 10% of angry episodes escalate into violence; evidence that anger does not equal aggression. By showing and expressing anger, you let the other parties know that there is an issue that needs attention. Most people will try to address what the angry person wants, thus avoiding violence.
Being human and experiencing emotions can be difficult and frightening. The conditioning we've had here in the United States about "bad" emotions has robbed us of the benefits they can provide. Anger isn't bad, it's simply an emotion that has information for us. So, what can you do with anger? How can you begin to hear the message your anger has for you?
Here are three tips to help you channel anger productively:
• Acknowledge the reason for your anger without reacting. When you feel angry, acknowledge it by saying, "I am feeling angry." Allow the feeling to exist but not cause a reaction. Also, note the wording: "I am feeling angry" versus "I am angry." You are not your anger. You are simply experiencing anger.
• Sit with your emotions without judgment. This will likely be difficult and feel uncomfortable. That is natural. Sit with the acknowledgment "I am feeling angry because..." and ask yourself a few questions: Do I want to do something because of this anger? What role am I playing in my anger? Given the role I'm playing, what's an appropriate way to respond to my anger?
• Recognize you are not alone. We are all in this together. We are all experiencing strong emotions and most of us don’t know what to do with them. Everyone experiences anger. Think of someone who handles anger well that you admire. What do they do? What don't they do? What can you adopt?
The more you can experience your emotions—just allow them to be, rather than try to stuff, eliminate, control or ignore them—the more you can grow in your self-confidence, emotional intelligence and resilience.
We will come through this extended period of upheaval and uncertainty. What we all look like when that time comes, who knows? My hope is that we are all better versions of ourselves for having had the courage to experience all of our emotions, including anger.
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