weekend free-for-all – August 25-26, 2018

by Alison Green on August 25, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Crazy Rich Asians, by Kevin Kwan. I finally tried it, and it’s totally decadent and fun.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Serious Pillowfight*

    Our Danish exchange student is coming next week for the school year! He’s 16. Hubby and I have no kids. Any tips for helping a teenager thrive?

    1. HannahS*

      Not sure this is what you’re meaning, but I’d say, make your expectations clear to him. As in, do you want him to text you if he’s coming home past a particular time? Can he drink alcohol/smoke in your home? Can he bring friends over? Can he bring (ahem) friends over? Etc.

      Other than that, have a lot of food on hand. Teenage boys are like bottomless pits.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        I agree, they have hollow legs. Expect him to eat as much as your husband if not more (as opposed to a smaller portion because he is younger and probably smaller). Have snacks in and show him what he can help himself to if he’s hungry.

      2. Coffeelover*

        This is really good advice and will save you some awkward situations and arguments later on. Danish kids have a really liberal upbringing compared to the average North American, and he might assume you’d be okay with something you’re not. I live in Sweden and I know for example it’s normal for parents to allow a girl to spend the night with their teenage son.. Something few parents would allow in Canada.

        1. Coffeelover*

          It’s good for you guys to proactively think this stuff through too… What boundaries and expectations do you want to set for him.

          It’s not fair to retroactively be upset and assume he should have known better.

        2. Cat Herder*

          Make sure you know the law re drinking, smoking, dope, etc. In the US he is going to be underage.

      3. Specialk9*

        When I was a foreign students living with a paid host family (they took in exchange students to make ends meet) they chastised my college-athlete self for eating too much. They only took in girls because they wanted to pocket more of the food stipend. I felt so shamed, for years.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      I’d say (having been an exchange student although not for as long a period) make sure he has his own space and knows it’s ok to be there by myself or to come sit with you and your husband in the living room etc. Just so he’s not hanging around awkwardly wondering what is expected. Also run through the domestic stuff so he knows where to put laundry to be washed, what time you usually do meals, and what you’d like him to help out with e.g I’ll cook but it will be your job to stack the dishwasher, my husband will drop you off at school on his way to the office if you are ready to leave by 8am. This sort of things saves lots of awkwardness about things a teenager might be embarrassed to ask directly.

      I have to ask – if you haven’t got kids, what did you exchange for him?!?

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Also, his room will probably smell either strongly of Lynx or slightly like a hamster cage. It’s ok to either bang on the bathroom door if he’s been gelling his fringe for twenty minutes, or indeed to gently encourage showers/laundry if you think he’s letting it go a bit. The Mum way of asking whether he’s going to do something whilst making it clear he should do it, is polite enough: You’ll want to have a quick shower before we go/don’t forget to put your laundry in the basket, I’m putting a load on later.

        2. Ron McDon*

          Oh my word, I am dying laughing here! I have 18 and 13 year old boys, and the Lynx/hamster cage comment is spot on!!!

        3. Arjay*

          It took me way too long to realize that “gelling his fringe” wasn’t a euphemism for … something else. :)

        1. Jemima Bond*

          Lol genuine question though! When I was at school a foreign exchange was when you were matched up with someone from the country whose language you were learning, and they would come and stay with you and your family. They’d come in a group with other French (or whatever) students studying English. Then you’d go and stay with them and their family, as would your fellow pupils. It was literally a swap; you exchanged! But if Pillowfight is hosting a Danish boy and have no child going to Denmark to study Danish, in what sense is it an exchange?

          1. Artemesia*

            I was an exchange student in 1960 for a year; while the school exchanged me with a student, the families didn’t exchange kids. I lived with 3 families in Germany; he lived with a family in our town.

          2. Anona*

            I was an exchange student to the UK in the late 90s. It was more of a cultural exchange. My parents sent me away & paid a fee, but didn’t receive a student themselves.

          3. Serious Pillowfight*

            Ha ha, as others have said, it’s more of a cultural exchange. It’s not usually a tit-for-tat.

    3. Josie*

      If he wants to participate in afterschool activities/sports, let him. When I was an exchange student in the US, the school’s basketball coach wanted me to try out for the team, but my host family said absolutely not. They didn’t want want to spend time driving me to practices or games if I made the team. I also ended up turing down an invitation to a ski trip I really wanted to go on (and pay for myself), because their child (who didn’t like skiing) wasn’t going and it would be unfair if I got to go when she didn’t.

      In general, just be nice to him, and make it safe for him to ask questions if there’s anything he’s wondering about.

    4. Cristina in England*

      Try to learn about Danish cultural norms if you haven’t already. He will likely be much less forward than an American teenager and may not ask for things as directly as you might be used to. If you are familiar with the culture he is coming from you can minimise misunderstandings. Things that are rude to you won’t be rude to him, and the other way round, etc.

    5. Étudiante*

      I was an exchange student myself, at the age of 16, for a whole year.
      I had troubles with my first host family and then loved my second so I have really experienced both the lows and the highs of the program.
      I am going to type up a few things later or tomorrow when I’m back home and can use my computer.
      It can be a life-changing experience, wishing you all the best!

        1. Étudiante*

          I know I’m late to the game but I hope you’ll see it. So as I said I was an exchange student myself in high school for a year and then was a volunteer counselor for exchange students for 10 years. In my response I am using examples from my organisation that happened to other volunteers or my students (or to me…).
          (I didn’t have time to read all the comments so I will probably repeat some of the points already raised but I hope it will still be useful.)
          Hosting an exchange student can be a wonderful time for your family. Your student can become a true family member through this year. I have a friend who has a key to her host family’s home, just like their biological children. For me the closest friend I gained was one of my teachers whom I see regularly. I’m also in touch with my host mom and planning to see her (she has since moved away). So truely a life-changing experience.
          Before your ES arrives, I think the most important thing to do is to examine your family’s habits and try to see them a little through an outsider’s point of view. What makes you a family and how can you welcome a teenager into it? What will make you feel he is part of the family? What will make him feel they are a part of the family? Family activities? Helping out with housework? Family dinners? Him joining on your fishing trip and supporting the same football team? (These are all small things that can mean a lot to you but might not matter in other families. My home family is small and rarely dines together so I wasn’t really seeing the point in eating together.)
          Some ES come for the language, some for the culture, some for the freedom far away from their home families. All reasons can make for a very motivated student. I was very shy in the beginning and missed home – this doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy where I was, I just needed to warm up to the situation. Your ’strategy’ will need to be adapted to your kid so just be attentive.
          DOs – a few things that are good to discuss during the first couple of days
          – Where can the ES keep their luggage?
          – What are the obligatory family activities? (Dinner at 6 with everyone present? Church?)
          – Church (ES are usually required to attend with the host families – better to clear your expectations early on)
          – How can he call you? (usually first name basis but a friend of mine goes for mom/dad)
          – Does he need to call/message if he’s coming home later? Are sleepovers okay? What are the ground rules of him letting you know where he is?
          – Does he need to do his bed every morning? (Think of similar things that might be your pet peeves – maybe you didn’t even realise that there is this small thing that’ll make you go crazy if done in your home, like putting up their feet on the sofa etc.)
          – Does he need to do the dishes right away?
          – Can he serve himself from the fridge?
          – Are there any food rules? (no candy? )
          – Rules (laws in fact) on alcohol, smoking, drugs, gambling – make sure to make him understand that these are taken very seriously (in a non-accustatory manner – I have seen parents freak out over this. It’s important to treat the ES as a partner
          – No driving – how flexible can you be in picking him up?
          LANGUAGE
          If he is already conversational in English, your job in a way will be a lot easier because you getting to know him will go faster initially. It’s always a nice idea to help his vocabulary with post-its on objects or just going to a specialised store and pointing out niche things.
          The way we talk about race or sexuality in Europe can be quite different linguistically (as well), it’s good to explain this when it comes up (gender neutral expressions, politically incorrect words he might not be aware of.) Also, as English in not his first language, he might express his discontent in a much stronger or more hurtful way than he intends to – make sure you thing of conflict as a problem of language as well and teach certain rules in word choice.
          SCHOOL
          Usually programs require a certain grade level (not failing any subjects at least). US high schools offer a lot wider range of subjects and many sports activities that Danish (or in general European) schools don’t. In case this doesn’t case any logistical issues, encourage him to experiment and figure out what he’s interested in, maybe even in the long run. It’s quite common for European students to mention (even complain) that the US curriculum is too easy for them. (What this means and whether this is true or not is a discussion I don’t want to start or can/wish to contribute to as I have never studied in a US high school. I am just mentioning what our out-bound students said very often.) As going to school is just one part of the program, if this is what your ES says, turn it into an advantage because this lets him focus on his language skills more and leaves him with more freetime. Also,
          (MISSING) HOME
          Communication with home friends and family has never been easier. That’s not always an advantage.
          He might often say ’this is how we do it in Denmark.’ It’s not criticism (if it is, the ES is going agains the guidelines of the organization) but that’s his only frame of reference. He is there to change this but it’s quite a natural habit to keep comparing the two homes. Many students like when they can show how their home cultures work, that helps accepting a new culture and way of life.

          You will really need to do a lot of reflection throughout the program. In case you are facing difficulties, the ES organisation should have a counselor available. These should be people with svery specific experience, encourage also your student to meet them.
          Your habits and worldview will be challenged by a young foreigner. It’s a wonderful opportunity to expand your horizon and make a change in a young man’s life.
          Looking forward to your updates and good luck!

          1. GermanGirl*

            Yes, the normal school curriculum can be too easy for some students. That is because at least in Germany highschool student exchange programs are marketed mostly to students attending university track schools (Gymnasium), so I guess honors or advanced placement students would be the equivalent to that in the US.

            I took AP Calculus (my math teacher had recommended it), AP Chemistry (I read the describtion of all the science classes when I visited my US high school counselor and this fit best with my level) and even AP English (the only friend I had made before school started took it and persuaded me to join), along with Spanisch 3 (mandated by my language obsessed school at home), US History (mandated by my exchange organization) and Theater Arts (just to take advantage of having something fun and different as a class).

            I dropped down to regular English and also dropped Theater Arts half way through the year, because AP English was just a bit too much work for me and I didn’t enjoy Theater Arts, but I was perfectly happy with AP Calculus and AP Chemistry.

    6. Red Reader*

      Question back: I’ve occasionally pondered hosting an exchange student; there’s a high school around the corner that’s a big magnet for them. But my household is unconventional – it’s me and my husband, plus two friends who might as well be my siblings. We have no kids and we’re all massive nerds (we all met at a gaming convention and have regular household D&D/Pathfinder nights). I’m also weird about houseguests, so I don’t know if it’s one of those things where I’d love it in theory but be crawling out of my skin after the first week. How did you decide?

      1. Hazelthyme*

        One way to test the waters might be to contact your local Rotary Club and ask if there are opportunities to help with their exchange program/interact with exchange students that DON’T require you to host for a full year. For example, they assign each exchange student a counselor who ISN’T their host parent, and whose job is to hang out/check in with them now and then (invite them over for dinner, go for a hike together, take them to a street festival) and basically be an adult in the host country they can talk to about cultural norms, issues or questions that come up with their host family, etc. They may also occasionally need temporary host families, who don’t commit for the full year but can be available for a week or 2 if there’s a gap in longer-term hosts’ availability.

      2. Serious Pillowfight*

        I actually was close friends with an exchange student when I myself was in high school so I knew a bit about the hosting process and how rewarding it was for everyone involved. We actually started out hosting military academy cadets three years ago, but we found it to be not very rewarding. They have a place to live (their dorm) and they are completely involved with their “shipmates” (by design), so we found we only heard from them rarely and only when they needed something.

        1. Serious Pillowfight*

          Re: being weird about houseguests, I actually would NEVER let a friend live with me after many bad experiences and ruined friendships. But I think knowing he’s a kid and he needs a nurturing environment and needs to focus on school will help the situation, because we won’t have the same expectations for him as we would with someone our age who is equal to us and needs to pull their own weight. He’s 16, so we won’t necessarily expect him to instantly know better in terms of being considerate and cleaning up after himself, etc. (Although of course we want that.)

        1. Quikaa1*

          That is incorrect. You may need to get a consent from natural parents, but we have had successful host parents who did not have kids at all in our AFS team.

    7. Sandy*

      I was an exchange student in high school! My tip: the first or second day is there, take him around the house and explain how everything works- shower, washer/dryer, microwave, etc.

      Some things will be the same and some won’t. I THOUGHT showers were completely intuitive until I was exchange student in Europe and the darn.thing.just.wouldn’t.work. Then I was too embarrassed to ask because I had already said I knew, and my host family couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t showered in a week…

      1. Tau*

        This is an excellent point. You would be surprised how different simple everyday things can be! (Windows. Door knobs, or rather the lack thereof. Light switches. Toilets. Etc.)

        1. fposte*

          Light bulbs! When I was studying in the UK my light bulb went out, and I scoffed indignantly when the porter asked me if I wanted him to replace it for me. And then it turned out it had a completely different base (which I now know is a bayonet mount), which I couldn’t see while the damn thing was still in place, so I had to sheepishly go back down and ask somebody to change a light bulb for me.

    8. Scandinavian in Scandinavia*

      If a four-letter-word crosses his lips on the beginning, please know that to many Danes, swearing is not a big deal. He might have to learn not to do that – also because swear words can seem less offensive in another language than your own.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Ha ha, thanks! My husband and I actually swear quite a bit ourselves, but we are going to cut it out around him.

        1. Specialk9*

          Btw, you might set your goal to a more realistic ‘try not to curse’. It took us a full year + to stop cursing, mostly (I accidentally cussed in front of my toddler today actually). Don’t expect miracles of yourself, and be kind if you mess up.

          Also, take it as an opportunity to talk about code switching and when cussing is ok (eg not ok in front of teachers at school, it’s ok with other teens so long as you avoid racial or gender based slurs, not ok in front of younger kids, avoid it around adults as a rule of thumb).

    9. Washi*

      I was an exchange student when I was 19, so a little older. With the family that I really liked, I appreciated that they invited me out outings 1-2 times per week, and generally were welcoming of me to spend time with them, but never pressured me to say yes. That was especially helpful in the beginning when I had no friends :)

      Also, I would recommend reading up on culture shock a little – basically people tend to be initially super happy and everything is new and fun, then you get overwhelmed and hate everything, then you adjust to the new normal (not necessarily that linearly though.) At 19 I’m not sure I always handled the middle stage with grace and if I had been 16, I definitely would not have. So it might help you to understand why he may sometimes seem grumpy or comparing everything to home.

    10. Sled dog mama*

      I was an exchange student at 17 and the #1 thing I wish my host family had done was tell me their expectations. Two weeks in they asked why I hated them because I never watched tv with them in the evening, um because you have a huge library of books I’ve never read and my family doesn’t watch tv so I didn’t know this was a thing

    11. Koala dreams*

      I have some experience as an exchange student for weeks, not a whole year. My advice would be to show him around the house and tell him how everything works. (laundry, shower, kitchen, garage etc) Give clear expections about what you expect from him. Encourage him to make local friends, and invite them to your house. Discuss what to have for breakfast, and be open to change it a little, teenagers often need a lot of food. Don’t be scared if he misses home. Maybe you can set up skype or something so you can introduce yourself to his parents and let him talk with them a couple of times a week. Be curious about his culture and show some interest if he wants to show you pictures or bake some typical food.

      1. Cat Herder*

        Don’t just talk about house rules: have them written down. I lived w a french family in Paris for four months: they were nice and explained everything, but it was so much info!

    12. Hazelthyme*

      Lots of good ideas on here! A few of my own, as a recent host mom and parent of an outbound exchange student:

      – Worth saying again: Talk about house rules and your expectations up front. Not only is this a teenager (= already likely to be pushing boundaries and figuring out how to behave), but he’s from another culture where some of the things he takes for granted will be different than you expect. Some topics you may want to address in the first few weeks:
      – Transportation: how will he get places? Can he use your car? A bicycle? Is there public transit available? Will you provide rides?
      – Socializing: Any rules for having friends over? Going out with friends? Telling you where he’s going? Curfews?
      – Drinking, smoking, & harder drugs.
      – Dating & sex: Can he have a girlfriend/boyfriend in the house when you’re not there? Can they stay overnight? Where’s the best place to buy condoms and such?
      – General house schedule, including any regular events you expect him to do with you, what times of day people come & go, etc.
      – Food: Can he help himself to anything in the house, or are some things off limits? Are there set mealtimes when you eat together as a family? Are there certain meals you prepare & eat together? Are there times when you DON’T prepare an official meal & everyone fends for themselves?

      – Especially at the beginning, invite him along on outings whenever you can, however ordinary. Your grocery stores, drug stores, etc. are probably different from the ones at home. Running next door to feed the neighbor’s cat/water their plants while they’re away is a chance to talk about what it means to be a good neighbor in your country/community.

      – Ask about his favorite foods, family traditions, etc. from back home. One of my favorite memories with my temporary son was watching a YouTube cooking video and trying to replicate his favorite Gujarati street food with common US ingredients.

      1. the other Junior Dev*

        Oh also make sure if he has a bicycle, he knows to lock it up (I know in a lot of countries bike theft is less common) and has lights, a helmet, etc.

      2. Serious Pillowfight*

        Thank you so much! Re: sex… I’m a bit torn on this. To be frank, I don’t mind too much if he has sex as long as he doesn’t get anyone pregnant or get an STD. But I suppose that’s the reason any parent would forbid it. Right now I’m leaning toward no members of the preferred romantic gender in his room with the door closed or when one of us isn’t home. Definitely no sleepovers. (I’m in the U.S….our Puritan founders’ values still ring deep! Ha.) As for doing drugs and alcohol, he could be sent home if the exchange student org learns about it. Also, I plan to tell him the drinking age is 21 and officials are VERY strict about it. Hopefully it won’t be an issue.

          1. Serious Pillowfight*

            Yikes…I’ll have to make sure I drive home how NOT OK it is here. Thanks for the warning.

            1. ..Kat..*

              Yes, if you are in the USA, this is a crime. You, the host family, could be arrested and charged.

              1. GermanGirl*

                That really depends on the organisation – some do very good prep courses (1-3 weeks even) and others just let the kids figure out stuff on their own.

                The organization that I went with as a 16 year old was the latter kind. No prep course or reading material or anything.

                Still, my exchange went pretty well. There were some misunderstandings of course, but I don’t think you can entirely avoid those. So if he’s doing/saying something you didn’t expect, ask clarifying questions before you move to accusations.

                My host family eventually got so used to my fairly good English that they were totally taken by surprise whenever I messed up at it.

                They: Are you excited about going to the homecoming ball?
                Me: (translating the question in my head excited => aufgeregt => nervous). No, why should I be?
                They: How can you not be excited about going to a ball?!

                They: How was the dance show?
                Me: It was funny.
                They: Oh, did somebody mess up?
                Me: No, where’d you get that idea?
                Turns out I should have said “It was fun to watch.” In German I would have said “mitreißend”.

                We had lots more misunderstandings of this type. Many didn’t get cleared up right away and if it’s about more serious things they can really put a strain on your relationship, so ask if you even suspect that something got mixed up in translation.

                Also, if he doesn’t have a driver’s license yet but wants to get one, get him started right away. Getting a license is much cheaper in the US than in Europe so it’s a huge benefit to him if he can get it in the US. I didn’t get around to asking about it until the second half of my stay and by then it was too late to complete the six month accompanied driving.

            3. CeeCee*

              While you are doing that please figure out how to let him know that if he finds himself in a situation where he/his ride/his friends are not safe to drive that he CAN call you, that you really want that, so that he isn’t making dangerous decisions because he is afraid to tap you in. Also, state law varies around providing alcohol to minors in home settings. Where I live *parents* can allow their minor children to drink in their home. Since his parents are not there to allow it you cannot offer the alcohol. Underage drinking with friends is not going to get you in trouble even if it may have repercussions for him.

        2. Lynn Whitehat*

          I’ve hosted exchange students. I’m surprised the program isn’t providing more guidance. You shouldn’t be left to puzzle this stuff out.

          1. Serious Pillowfight*

            They’re providing plenty of guidance, but I wanted to ask the readers here because you all have such great advice!

        3. WellRed*

          He may be Danish, but he’s meeting American girls (or boys) whose parents likely have the same Puritan values ; ) Same with the drinking. He can’t buy it here or get served (easily. I am not naive). Neither can any friends he makes.

          2. jojobeans*

            Also, keep in mind that in Denmark, it’s average for teenagers to start having sex around age 14. Also, the definition of consent is different there. When I was there for a semester abroad in college, it was explained to us as essentially this: if a woman goes home with a man, for any reason, that is considered to be consent.

            One of my friends from the program actually had an issue with that. She was out with friends, got separated, missed the night bus, didn’t want to sit around alone for an hour in the middle of the night waiting for the next one so a Danish guy friend whom she had run into said she could come crash on the couch at his place instead.

            Guess what happened? She woke up in the middle of the night to find him pawing at her. She managed to get him to leave her alone and then left the next morning as soon as the trains started running again.

            So just keep that kind of thing in mind.

            1. Sandy*

              the average age of first intercourse in Denmark is 16 and the average age in the USA, as close as anyone can tell, is 17. We aren’t exactly talking amassive difference here.

              1. Scandinavian in Scandinavia*

                Consent should absolutely be explained clearly to him – e.g. by using the wonderful British tea-video. Consent is not required in DK

    13. Nana*

      Walk through everything…he may want to say he knows it all (teenager), but little things are different [lightbulbs]. Invite him to participate, but don’t push. Talk about your own teen years (just a bit, of course!).
      My family is still in touch with several of our exchange students (one Dane, several Japanese) and have visited back and forth. ENJOY

    14. Jane of all Trades*

      Oh how lovely! When I was about 16 a relative of mine hosted me in the US for a summer. They did such a wonderful job making me feel welcome, I moved here a few short years later and never looked back :)
      Things that helped me a lot:
      Space: they had a room ready for me, and had a card on the nightstand telling me they were happy to have me, and had included a basket with some snacks and toiletries. Nothing expensive, but so thoughtful, and made me feel so welcome.
      People: they had identified a few people in the neighborhood that I could potentially connect with (as they did not have kids my age). I didn’t bond with everybody, but it gave me a chance to meet some people in addition to the family I was staying with.
      Activities: they had thought of a few activities of things we could do for me to experience the country. Nothing “huge”, but more activities to experience US culture, including driving to a local attraction, dinner in the historic downtown area (we were in the suburbs) and day-to-day things like going to the pool, or a make-up workshop for a favorite make-up brand of my host (probably not so interesting to a boy, but you know what I mean).
      All of these things made for a wonderful, wonderful experience, and I am now so close to the family and love them dearly.
      Also, in addition to being from different cultures, at 16 you haven’t figured it all out yet – so I think you can also help the person thrive by telling them if their behavior doesn’t conform with expectations. In my case, coming from a less conservative culture than my host family, that included telling me when I was using language that they didn’t allow in their home, and when my dress style was not sufficiently conservative for church. So long as you bring it up in matter of fact – “this is something you might not know” – way, he probably will welcome you letting them know.
      I hope you guys have a lot of fun together!

    15. Louise*

      Just a little tip from a Dane: Please don’t think he is being impolite if he has a hard time saying “Please”. The word simply doesn’t exist in Danish and he may not even notice that he is not saying it! The closest phrase would be “if you would be so kind…”. Or if he wants someone to stand aside for example in a supermarked he may say something like “I am just gonna push you” or “if I just may push you…”. He is not being rude in Denmark, he is not physically going to touch a stranger, it is merely a “mental” push; by saying it out loud the other person will move.
      Other kind words or phrases you could tell him about may be appreciated :)

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Thank you so much! I didn’t know that about the word “please”! In my communications with him so far, he seems perfectly polite; I haven’t felt like anything is “off”…but I will keep that in mind if I feel like he seems rude at any point.

        1. Louise*

          Happy to help. If he’s used to speaking German it may not be a problem for him as they have the equivalent “bitte”.
          I hope all of you have a good experience! :)

      2. jojobeans*

        Hah, also Danes tend to be very direct. Another friend had an experience where she made dinner one night and when she asked how they liked it, they said it wasn’t very good. Not trying to be mean; just telling the truth! She thought it was hilarious and didn’t take offense at all, but it made a good lesson learned :P

      3. Specialk9*

        The ways language influences behavior and perception of the world is fascinating. It’s my favorite part about getting head-down in a language.

    16. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Oooh I hope you have a wonderful year!

      I was an exchange student in the US… oh my god, 10 years ago, wow.

      I second everything that’s already been said – clear expectations, show him how everything works etc. For me, I always loved that my host family never treated me as a guest but as a fully fledged family member. I was supposed to do my chores but I was also just as clearly part of all their plans, holidays, they took me to the theatre or to the bookshop, they let me make my room my own including a trip to IKEA when my books became so numerous I needed a shelf etc etc (I know a lot of exchange students where that wasn’t the case and have always appreciated my host parents for how easily they made me part of their family).

      Also, and I realise everyone is different here, but keep an eye on how much time he spends on his phone/laptop, in touch with people at home. Obviously don’t forbid it, but for me it helped IMMENSELY especially at the beginning that my host family limited my screen time. It helped me arrive and become part of life in the US even in the first few weeks when I was really very miserably homesick. However, this was just before smartphones and internet on phones became a thing so might not be as easily done today.

    17. Coffee Cup*

      Food. Itis very important for an exchange student to feel like a member of your household and that you are willing to share your food with him on equal terms. Especially true for a young student with limited or no funds or liberty of movement to get food. I was an exchange student many moons ego with a big and quite well-off family. They would do a weekly shop on Sundays at the supermarket and get, like, four apples and two oranges for the entire family for a week. They would make comments about how much fruit I ate because I always took one apple every week… There was also a type of cereal I like I would put on the shopping list on Sunday if I was running out… Several times they checked how much was left and didn’t buy any if there was some (that would run out, say, by Wednesday). Some of it was cultural, but I had to live there and it made me feel very unwelcome. I was a bit older and had more independence than a 16-year-old, so I would buy apples and crackers and hide them in my room. It felt so hostile.

      Also, I lived there for a year and they never gave me a key. Don’t be like that family.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Good point. We are going to share all of our food with him. The organization gave us a booklet with tips and this, along with many others people have mentioned here, was among them. We will just ask that he lets us know if he uses the last of something.

      2. Khlovia*

        Ugh, that is awful! It is not supposed to be like that! Did you know how to contact the local representative of the exchange program? Even if you didn’t, they should have been checking up on you!

        It also sounds as though the exchange program neither screened the families very well nor provided any guidance to the host families.

        Sorry you had to deal with that.

        1. Coffee Cup*

          Thanks… I have good memories of my exchange year, and as a whole don’t regret having done it, but my (major, famous, usually competent) exchange program really didn’t (or doesn’t, it’s been ten years, so i don’t want to pass judgment) run very well in my host country. I was very young and didn’t have the conflict management or language skills to articulate my issues. Also a lot of it was psychological manipulation of a very troubled family that wasn’t necessarily directed at me. I agree that they had no business hosting, although I did like my host dad a lot and I sometimes get sad that I have decided that maintaining a relationship with them wasn’t worth it in the end.

          1. Coffee Cup*

            This is part of the reason why I stopped volunteering after I came back. I also didn’t agree with the theatrics of my program. This could out it, but the aura of mystery they tried to create with not telling candidates even which country they went to (or God forbid share any anecdotes, because for some reason high school kids aren’t capable of understanding their personal experience will be different). I also took part in one student selection procedure knowing that at least one chapter (my host country) didn’t have the same courtesy towards the students regarding their host families…

            I am a big proponent of student exchange, but it isn’t always perfect…

    18. OtterB*

      You may get this from the sponsoring organization, but if you have friends / neighbors / relatives with kids in the local high school, ask either the parents or the kids about “what should someone from another culture know about your school.” Also, if you know about his interests (music, sports, art, etc.), if you can help him find groups that participate in those activities. School-based extracurriculars are good, but out-of-school groups with a broader age span might also help him make connections he will enjoy.

      1. GermanGirl*

        Oh yes, and if he is into sports and would enjoy joining a school team, find out when the tryouts are at the high school and take him there (or if he arrives after the tryouts, talk to the coach about a late tryout).

        I’d have enjoyed marching band but my host family didn’t know (and I didn’t know that tryouts were even before school started, so I didn’t ask about it) and I arrived too late to try out.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yes! We often had exchange students on our soccer team in high school! One year I think 10% of the team were exchange students from Europe.

    19. Belle di Vedremo*

      What fun!
      A couple general thoughts:

      Cross-cultural stuff can be unexpected. We don’t even think about a lot of things, and then discover other cultures do them differently. Helps a lot to find it interesting rather than troublesome.

      Alcohol: European teens have often been drinking for years, so being clear up front about the law (and the implications for the exchange program, and for you as his hosts) is important. Even if the exchange co tells them, it’ll seem different to hear it from actual humans you’re living with. A rule that has been helpful for others is that if you’re somewhere with people who are drunk and want out (even if you’ve had a drink yourself), call home and we’ll come get you no questions asked that night.

      Independence: what’s a comfortable amount of info about where he is, how long he’ll be gone, and when he’ll be home? And, what’s a comfortable amount of info about where YOU are, when you’ll be home, etc? How much are you willing to drive him around/vs asking him to take public transportation/vs asking others (kids?) for rides? Will you expect him to honor your preferences for lights out/quiet time etc? Can he raid the fridge at 3am? Or whenever he wants? How much notice do you need before he brings friends home? How much notice before inviting them to dinner/asking if he can have dinner out?

      Facial cues: my experience with Scandinavians is that their range of facial expressions is generally smaller than is common in the US. He’ll likely be reading your face earlier than you expect, and you might be slow to read his. It’s not that he won’t show much on his face, but that a lot of humor, etc, comes with a straight face and a twinkle in the eye rather than a sly grin.

      WiFi etc: are you going to restrict access at all, restrict access to porn, etc etc? Are you providing a phone or is he getting a sim card for his phone for use here? How will you agree to manage data for the household plan?

      Start stricter, and relax rules as it seems right to do so. It’s harder to reinstate them.

      Be clear about how you run your home. Eg, don’t talk to anyone before coffee has been consumed. Don’t talk with the TV on/it’s fine to chat through the entire show. Please wear a robe/towel between the shower and the bedroom. Etc.

      Have fun!

    20. WellRed*

      You’ve gotten so many amazing suggestions. I am excited for you to learn a bit about Danish culture ( I think they are supposed to be the happiest nation?) My only suggestion: if you like 80s John Cusack movies, may I recommend Better off Dead ; )

    21. Anono-me*

      Please make sure he knows about calling 911 and best practices for interaction with law enforcement in the USA. (Most European countries have a different number to call for emergencies. I have been told by European friends that it is typical to get out of the car and approach the patrol car if pulled over.) If you have voip, make sure your number and address are registered with local emergency services.

      If your exchange student is a person of color and your household is not ; maybe consider having someone in your community who is a person of color discuss best practices for interaction with law enforcement and in other situations.

      If your exchange student practices a religion, please make sure he knows where and how he can do so.

      Free grazing food is very important. Please make sure he knows where stuff for snacks, sandwiches and food to offer his guests is kept.

    22. Roja*

      We just welcomed our 18 y/o Spanish exchange student a week ago! It’s been great thus far, which is a relief after last year’s disaster. But he is neat and tidy and doesn’t appear to have a hollow leg yet–so don’t necessarily assume yours will be typical. I would say be prepared to do a lot of emotional labor the first few weeks especially if making sure he feels included in tasks and conversations. Hope you have a good year together!!

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Care to share details of the disaster? Not that I expect my experience to be that way, but good to hear about what can go wrong.

        1. Roja*

          It’s difficult to know what to say. We were her second host family. She didn’t want to engage in any way with us–would not talk, wouldn’t go places, nothing, despite our best and kindest efforts to draw her in/ask if she was homesick/etc etc etc. Got worse and more hostile the farther on we went into the year. Eventually she asked for another transfer and we were only too thrilled to have her go. She got sent home two months later for telling her next host family how disgusting she thought Americans were and for being generally nasty. We never could figure out why she had come if she didn’t want to.

          It’s just so great now having a student who really wants to do things and interact. We love hosting this time! We love having guests so it’s just fantastic all around.

    23. SRRPNW*

      Don’t know whether it is the same in Denmark, but we had an Icelandic exchange au pair, and she didn’t understand our sheets/blankets situation. They just had bottom sheets, topped with a duvet with washable cover. So when she pulled back the blanket she thought the top sheet was the bottom sheet (didn’t even think of looking for a bottom sheet) and that we were missing the cover for the blanket. Didn’t take long for us all to figure that one out, and we all got a laugh out of it, but just be aware.

      2. Koala dreams*

        I had to go look up videos on how to make a bed, to see what you were talking about. I’m also used to the duvet with cover, and I still remember the confusion when my Dad explained to me how they used to make the bed when he was little, with the top sheet.

    24. Sami*

      Understand that the first few days or weeks he may be extra tired. Even if he speaks English, having that be the only language he hears and speaks can be an exhausting experience.

    25. Quikaa1*

      I volunteer with a high school exchange (AFS) and went as a teen.. we find that doing a second “orientation” to your house and asking and answering questions a week or so after arrival helps (most of the time the kids are so excited and tired they only absorb a part of what you say in the first few days). Often the kid on the papers is not the kid you get (often their application papers were written a year before and kids and their interests change). Also work with them to schedule a “fun” class for them in school (art, music, sports, drama etc) as this will help them meet people with similar interests and these classes often allow more time to chat. Don’t worry about grades so much in the first weeks, they will catch up as they learn the system. Do make sure that they get top marks for paying attention, trying hard, etc.
      Often Scandinavian kids speak what seems to be fairly good English, but they can misunderstand some of the slang and sayings or have trouble if multiple people are speaking plus they can get headaches and overload from speaking English all the time so don’t assume they don’t need some assistance (like speaking slower and one at a time).
      Make sure both you and the student has a contact at the placing organization you both can talk to if help is needed (at AFS we assign a volunteer liaison who meets with the kid and family at least once per month and makes sure all is well and helps sort things out if there are issues – usually most issues are due to miscommunications and different expectations. If there is a bigger problem, the liaison can bring in experienced support staff to help before a small issue becomes a small issue)- acting as this volunteer liaison is a great way to meet the kids and see if you are interested in hosting or if you have limited time, but want to have some of the exchange experience.
      Hope you have a great year.

      1. NewFriend*

        Show interest in his culture- food, customs etc. When you’re an ES, everything is new and you’re bad at things you were good at before. It’s like being 5 years old all over again. Even ordinary tasks are excruciatingly difficult. Having the chance to be an expert on something is a breath of fresh air. In contrast, declining to learn from your student makes that person less willing to learn from you.

    26. Jenno*

      So many good comments already, so I’ll try not to duplicate. I was an AFS student in Norway and have spent time in Denmark as well.
      My first host family had no kids, but they were both music teachers and liked their teenage students, so they thought they were prepared to host a teenager 24/7. It didn’t work out well, once the novelty wore off and we started to relax around each other. Teenagers, especially ones whose brains are tired from processing a foreign language all day and coping other unexpectedly new things, can be snappish, attitudinal, petulant, etc. — just like teens who aren’t doing those things. Leave a lot of room for this teen to be a teen and don’t get upset at every display of negative emotion. You’ll wear yourselves and him out too quickly. Figure out where your line is and let him know when he’s crossing it, but otherwise let some of the eye-rolling and door-slamming pass unacknowledged.
      Nudity – Europeans are much freer about showing their bodies. If you go to the pool or the beach, he might expect to change on-site (and by that I mean on the pool deck or on the beach), so let him know that Americans put their bathing suits on at home or in a locker room, not in public. And we generally don’t go in the sauna nude either. If he sees you in the altogether, he’ll be way less embarrassed than you are — soap advertisements in Denmark show breasts.
      It’s common when you have guests to offer them choices at meals or with activities, but choice can be a minefield for an exchange student when you don’t know what options you have to pick from. I’m not saying don’t offer choices or be accommodating, but instead to model the routine so that he develops a baseline. For example, in the beginning, instead of saying “What would you like for breakfast?” (Danish breakfast looks like lunch to Americans.) Say, “This is what we typically have for breakfast on weekends/weekdays/whatever.” After you’ve been through the routine once or twice, and he’s had a chance to see what the options are, then it’s easier for him to choose. Kind of goes in with spelling out expectations which lots of people have mentioned, but I remember in the beginning feeling like I just wanted people to do what they normally do and let me watch and get the hang of it, rather than ask me what I wanted to do, because I mostly wanted to do whatever they would do. He’s come here to learn our ways–don’t be shy about showing them.
      Celebrate the holidays intentionally — even if you’re not normally a Halloween person (for example), buy some decorations and give out candy. Have Thanksgiving dinner with alllll the trimmings, and so on. This is his one shot to experience these things, and they’re the kind of thing people at home will ask about. Holidays are deep in cultural meaning, so live them to the fullest this year.
      It generally takes about three months until you feel like he’s always been there. The closeness will grow; feed it but know you can’t force it.

      1. Barbara*

        I live in Europe and never saw anyone changing at the site in pools. It would be considered gross unless you are a small child.
        Maybe in Norway as they are known to be less prudish than the average.

        1. GermanGirl*

          You haven’t?

          People wrap a towel around themselves and change unter that all the time at public outdoor pools or at lakes in Germany. And in certain areas (for example at the lakes around Berlin) or at private pools they’ll even skip the towel. Also a lot of people just swim naked in the lakes around Berlin.

          I definitely had to get used to how not ok nakedness was in the US.

          My host family even bought new underwear for me because they thought mine was too skimpy, but they didn’t actually say that, just we got some new underwear for you. Well, after trying the new stuff for a couple of days I continued wearing my old underwear because I liked it better and I didn’t know why I should wear the other kind and they were quite put out.

    27. Serious Pillowfight*

      I honestly cannot thank all of you enough for these thoughtful and excellent tips. I have read every single response. I plan to respond individually to everyone!

    28. Specialk9*

      In general, expect an exchange student to be mentally wiped out by 6 – 8 pm. Working in a foreign language and culture is really taxing, even if one’s language skills are high.

      Living abroad has general trends as the year goes along. The first month or so, everything is awesome!!! They’re still pro-new environment for the first 3 months. 3-6 months, the novelty is gone, they focus on the downsides of the culture, and homesickness really kicks in hard. 6-9 months they start to come to a place of balance.

      Oh, and my personal experience was that Europeans find US bread creepy as heck, with the preservatives. You might buy bakery fresh sliced bread and freeze it, so it’s less of a shock. (Unless you live right next to a bakery, which I saw a lot in Europe even in suburbs, but rarely in the US except downtown.)

      1. Ms Cappuccino*

        Oh yes we like our fresh bread. Another option is making the bread if you have the inclination (easy with a bread maker).

  2. Jemima Bond*

    This week I bought a second hand car (my previous was uneconomic to repair) and it’s nothing posh, a nine-year old Mazda 6, but will get a good wash and brush up later today (I’m currently awaiting my bacon roll and coffee in bed, bless my OH!). OH has discovered via YouTube the wonderful world of car “detailing” (cars I’ve had before I’ve just washed…very occasionally) and now we have an array of products and instructions.
    Any good car cleaning tips or comments on Mazdas are very welcome! Or indeed accounts of your own wheels – what do AMM commenters drive?

    1. Justme, The OG*

      I feel like I could lose some hours watching those videos. Not sure if I should thank you or not.

    2. Sled dog mama*

      I recently discovered detailing clay and it has changed my life. Ok not really but I did get some marks off hubby’s truck that have been there for years.
      The thing that really changed my cleaning to detailing my own car was cleaning on the inside, detailing slime to get the dirt out of the little cracks where rags can’t get, that was an amazing change.
      I love mazdas I think they are really cute.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        OH ordered some clay and it’s great stuff! The slime is a new one on me – might have to check that out.

        1. Artemesia*

          I once sideswiped the garage and ran a strip of plaster and paint down the side of my newish car — it looked like a $500 to a 1000 repair. I went on line and saw a video on using claybar and went out and spent about $30 on a kit with the claybar and polish and applicator etc. The car was like new when I was finished; lots of elbow grease.

    3. LilySparrow*

      I just got a seven year old Toyota Highlander. I got a good price on it because it was a trade-in. My mechanic gave it an enthusiastic two thumbs up, but apparently the prior owner used it as their dog/hunting/ATV vehicle, because it was **FILTHY**.

      The dealership did their standard detailing, but that just took off the top layer.

      I will follow this thread with interest. I’m already excited learning about the slime.

      I used a vinyl repair kit on a tear in the armrest, a glass-chip repair kit on the windshield, and just ordered a paint touch-up kit for some scratches.

      1. LCL*

        I have a large SUV. It was a low mileage repo from the boonies of Idaho. I suspect its history was similar to yours. I can tell the detailer took the front seats out to do the clean and detail. The way the front seats fit with the front differential, there are a lot of nooks and crannies that can’t be reached with a rag or vacuum. It’s still a dogmobile with me.

        1. Auntie Social*

          Our “new” SUV may have been a crime scene—there was a HUGE blood stain in the cargo area, and possible buyers would pop the hatch, take one look at the stain, close it and go. I got a great deal and just used a lot of hydrogen peroxide and enzyme detergent. It runs great, there was less than 10k miles on it—heck, even if I’d had to replace the carpet it was a great deal. The old SUV is now the wienermobile!!

    4. King Friday XIII*

      Queen Sara drives a Mazda 3 that we’ve had for a couple of years now and loves it. It’s sporty but super-reliable at the same time. Maybe I should learn more cleaning tricks – Princess Tuesday is a dedicated granola fan, and so our backseat is basically an oat farm despite my best efforts so far. XD

    5. anon24*

      I detail cars as a hobby after doing it professionally for 2 years. If it wasn’t so dependent on the economy I would have opened my own business. If you go back to the “share your knowledge” open thread I have a bunch of tips posted. Any questions you have in particular? (Also, I’m usually scanning the weekend thread so if you have questions in the future I’ll probably see them)

      1. Jemima Bond*

        What are your best tips for cleaning alloy wheels? On this car they haven’t really been looked after and there are some stubborn marks/dirt. We’ve used car shampoo and a brush and cloth but the brush is a flat one not a cylindrical wheel brush – I think we need one. We also used a bit of the clay after we’d done the paintwork, which helped, but I think my next step will be to take it to a jet wash for the benefit of high pressure water. What say you?

        1. anon24*

          I’m really not a fan of the cylindrical wheel brushes. They don’t get into the corners and I usually end up throwing mine in disgust. Smaller is better for wheel brushes, mine is barely bigger than a toothbrush. Using soap meant for the paint of the car doesn’t usually work well because those soaps are generally an alkaline, which isn’t great for the brake dust and grease. Best advice would be to get an acid based wheel cleaner, take it somewhere with a pressure washer, soak the wheels in cleaner, hand brush them (wear gloves!), and pressure wash it off. (Make sure to rinse well). When I detailed professionally I used straight acid and it worked amazing.

    6. Someone Else*

      Not sure if you meant it literally, but since you asked for tips: don’t use brushes. Use microfiber cloths.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Not even for wheels? The guy on the YouTube videos used a cylindrical brush thing to get in between the gaps. We didn’t use a brush on the paintwork; just microfibre cloths as you say.

    7. LilySparrow*

      In case anyone else was searching for anon24’s prior knowledge sharing about auto detailing, the link is in my username here.

      You can also look up the thread from March 22, 2018 and search the page for “auto detailer”.

  3. Cristina in England*

    I am back from my holiday from hell and we are back in a good place, spirit-wise, though it got pretty dark!

  4. LDN Layabout*

    Travel/travel planning nerds: I am about to score my best ever flight coup and while I have to wait (for a gift card to activate), I am very excited.

    Honestly for me at least 50% out of a trip’s enjoyment for me is the planning. Scouring tripadvisor and google maps, checking third party hotel site prices vs. the hotel’s website (pro-tip: if you’re the friend group travel booker and you stay in fairly nice places, using hotels.com where you get the average of your last 10 nights as a voucher for your next booking is really useful) and making custom google maps for each trip with food/attractions/places to stay (before anyone asks, yes, Virgo).

    This is also the biggest trip I’ll have done for a while (Road trip in IN/TN/MS/LA, followed by some solo travel in Chicago and Boston) so there’s a lot of space for travel ‘wins’.

    What are some of people’s best travel wins/scores?

    1. Blue*

      I don’t really have any major deals I’m proud of (though I did just buy a ticket to Europe that’s cheaper than my last ticket to California, so I’m pretty excited about that!), but for me, the most satisfying part of trip planning is finding the more obscure things to do. My favorite activities are pretty much always niche things that I found only after a lot of internet research, so I’m generally excited to spend a lot of time digging in and finding all the options. Enjoy your trip!

      1. LDN Layabout*

        The digging is always a fun part :) I tend to be like that re: food choices, since I enjoy getting people together and trying new things on trips.

      2. BeenThere*

        We always go where the locals go, eat what the locals eat, etc. I love doing things that are not in the travel brochures!

        1. Anonymosity*

          That’s why I like to deliberately get lost in London. I always find some really out-of-the-way thing and it’s fun. It’s also very easy to get unlost; all you have to do is find a tube station and look at the map. :)

    2. Reba*

      I also love planning! And I love the things that work out that you couldn’t really have planned for. I of course get the thrill of the deal, but in the past couple years I have also released myself from trying so hard to get the cheapest possible thing and researching it to the bone.

      I highly recommend visiting the Whitney Plantation, about an hour outside NOLA.

      Are you somehow getting from IN to TN without going through KY? ;) I have recs for the latter as it’s my home state!

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Yes! There’s a difference now, for me at least, between best deal and best deal for me (for example; this flight I’m booking will hopefully get me a first class seat, for the same price I paid several years ago for a premium economy ticket).

        It was in the plans! Both myself and my road trip buddy wanted to do a plantation but also not to do one where everything gets…glossed over. Hence, Whitney.

        I think we’re mostly going to be driving through it on this trip unfortunately, although we may stop in Bowling Green on the Nashville to Indy leg of the trip…It was on the list before, but then we decided weather-wise we were a month too early to do the Smokeys so we extended further south instead (Indy->Memphis->NOLA->Nashville->Indy)

    3. fposte*

      Funny, I love the planning but for me it’s not the budget but the schedule (I’ve kept somewhere my modular charts for my first trip to London) that I love geeking out on. I should make sure always to travel with somebody like you.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Oh the schedule is coming too XD Including trying to go via as many scenic byways/parkways as time allows.

        I’ve been really lucky that all the friends I’ve chosen to travel with are either planners or appreciate having a planner in the group. I do know people who are very ‘let’s not plan until we get there!’ which is fine and they seem to have a lovely time and if I every traveled anywhere without having accommodation prebooked I would be having a heart attack.

        1. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

          Same here! I’m fine not planning out activities but I need to know where I will sleep at night, and I need to know it before the trip starts.

        2. jojobeans*

          Oh god yes, me too. I love traveling but I struggle with anxiety, and I find that planning everything out (for the most part, at least) really helps keep the anxiety at bay. Things like activities can be flexible but I really have to know where I’ll be spending each night at the very least.

          I once traveled with a friend who created a spreadsheet of activities, routes, locations/hotels, etc. I personally don’t go quite that far, but I was totally happy to travel with someone who did :D

          And if you do want a bit of flexibility in your extended travels, it’s also possible to only book a few days in advance as you go. As long as I know where I’ll be staying tonight and preferably tomorrow, that gives you the flexibility to maybe stay in one place a bit longer or cut down on another stop.

    4. BeenThere*

      We recently went to Europe. The tickets had been advertised at about $1300 a piece for weeks. It was getting to the point where I needed to make a decision so one Tuesday morning I looked them up again and they were $600! You know I jumped on those babies!!

      1. LDN Layabout*

        That’s a really good price. It’s always so satisfying when you know you’re getting a bargain.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Best airfares I’ve ever scored were: a roundtrip LAX – London for about $180 or so – in 2001. Then a United mistake fare, roundtrip Chicago – London in 2008 for $110 each.

      More recently I sit and watch for deals come up on the travel blogs and in February scored £2100 for two people Qatar business class Stockholm-Singapore roundtrip. That trip is happening in November and we are planning now as it is an extensive three-week trip across five countries, involving hauling my parents around Stockholm for five days in the end, two day stop over in Doha, and a beginners tour of SE Asia. I can’t tell you how many hotels I have looked at in the last three weeks and reviews on trip advisor but… we are getting there!.

      I have to say that the hotels.com perk is HUGE though, and I wish I had twigged to it sooner. Other Half was business traveling extensively last winter and spring and my god we could have had four free nights had I been paying attention. For Europe often the best prices are out of Stockholm, but the hotel in the airport is very expensive (fly in the night before and stay over) – to have a cache of “free” nights we could use there would be awesome. Or say in Los Angeles where everything is expensive but everything is also listed as redeemable on the website. Sure the room may not be the best but who cares if you are staying at Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica for free?! Also – I just can’t be bothered to figure out the ins and outs of every hotel rewards program, especially as Other Half usually ends up having to stay in some crap business hotel of no international chain when he is on site.

      What I love about travel planning is learning all sorts of either a) the local customs or b) that there are people truly passionate about very niche topics in this world. Did you know there is a guy who has an entire blog solely about his trip reports on the different luxury and non-luxury bus lines between Singapore and Kuala Lumpur? Thanks to his photos and tips we decided to ditch the “romantic” idea of sleeping with our luggage on the overnight train and switch to a more comfortable luxury bus, which we would have never EVER considered in Europe (these are like airplane seats and you get a meal and a stewardess and everything!).

      Travel and travel planning tends to always remind me that as much as there are different cultures around the world we are all more alike than you would think at first glance.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Those are some deals! I’m getting a multicity First Class round trip for the US for the same price I paid for premium economy several years back which is exciting (and probably the last time I’ll be able to afford first class, but I’m going to enjoy it).

        Your trip sounds really amazing and at least you’ve discovered Hotels.com now! I’m using it as a mini-upgrade for myself when I go to one of the more expensive cities (Boston).

        I love sites like that! I assume you’re aware of seat61.com? It’s probably my favourite ever travel website find and it’s opened the door to so many fun trips (high speed Paris to Barcelona, the Russian sleeper carriage between Budapest and Belgrade…)

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Oh well done on that ticket! There was a Qatar flash sale on Tuesday – London to Kuala Lumpur return for £798 business (yeah, you read that right!). We couldn’t have afforded to take that on, but I like to remind myself that deals are always out there. Best blogs are Head for Points (UK based) and then God Save the Points and One Mile at a Time. Finally I also check the FlyerTalk Premium Deals thread a few times a day to see what is new. Some of those people are insane, but they also have really good tips on how to get great fares.

          Seat61 is awesome! He lays everything out so clearly. My parents are using it to plan the SailRail from Dublin to London (they are coming to watch the cats for us while we are away) and sometimes I like to look at random routes on occasion like a little mini holiday at lunch :) To do the Trans Siberian and then a ferry to Japan would be amazing, although a guy at work did the train in Peru I think that goes along a mountain for three days and THAT looked incredible too. “sigh” too much to see and not enough time/money.

    6. Anonymosity*

      I was just really proud of myself for planning my day trip to Scotland in 2014 on the Caledonian Sleeper. I used the Seat 61 website to plan the train trip. I also found a share-a-tour company (invernesstours dot com) to take me to Loch Ness so I wouldn’t have to deal with riding the bus, since the loch is fourteen miles outside the city of Inverness. I highly recommend Inverness Tours; they were very easy to deal with by email. The tour guide picked me up at the station and he was wonderful.

      Not only did the trip go smoothly, but going to Loch Ness and sleeping on a train were two separate bucket list items. And I managed to get them into one trip! :)

    7. Nye*

      Earlier this year I found nonstop tickets from the East Coast to Hong Kong for <$1K. It was work travel, but I was pretty stoked – especially because nonstop meant 16 hours of travel time instead of 30 hours (including, on many other itineraries, 8+ hours layover in Beijing).

  5. Anonicat*

    My fellow Australians…what a week. At work we weren’t even pretending to not have the political liveblogs open all the time.

    “Not ineligible” are my new favourite weasel words.

    2. Drop Bear*

      Another fun round of leadership spills! I’ve tied myself in knots trying to explain it to my US based friends – our systems are so different in some ways. I now know how my SO felt trying to explain cricket to me when I arrived here. :)

    3. Anono-me*

      It is normally common for Ambulance Crews and other medical professionals ask “Who is the current President/Prime Minister/Fearless Leader?” as part of their assessment of patients. Apparently, according to a BBC news article, Australian Ambulance Crews have stopped asking it.

      As weird and frustrating as it must be to Australian people; It is wonderful to see of the power of democracy and how the transfer of power in Australia is happening with drama, but not bloodshed.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Heh. When I was hit by a car (in the US) they asked me “who’s the president? I don’t need to know what to you think of him, just his name.”

      2. Drop Bear*

        My daughter is an emergency department doctor and a common response to that question in Australia is often, ‘that [insert expletive commonly used in Australia but shocking in most other countries]’. As she says, they may not be wrong, but it doesn’t really help in the assessment!

        1. Anonicat*

          My friend said that during the Abbott government a patient replied, “Whatshisname…big ears.” They accepted that as orientated.

      3. Drop Bear*

        It’s not actually a transfer of power – we still have the same government, all that has changed is who is the leader of the party that forms the government. It is probably most similar to the party with the majority in the US HOR selecting a new majority leader – it doesn’t change which party has the majority and thus (technically) the power in the House. The drama comes from watching the party implode and break into factions that backstab each other – having sworn on everything they hold dear the day before that they would NEVER be disloyal to the leader. It can also of course change the policy direction of the government – if the faction who wins the leadership for their ‘person’ is more/less right/left wing than the faction that previously had the leadership position. Clear as mud? Let me tell you about cricket now….!

        1. Tiny Soprano*

          The most confusing part is knowing which vegetable to ironically put on your doorstep to represent the losing leader/hopeful. Onions for Abbott, potatoes for Dutton, but the average Australian can’t afford to put out a gold brick for Turnbull….

    4. Tinkle*

      Even checking the blogs between meetings, I couldn’t keep up! When someone said ScoMo was in, I was shocked – was still back expecting Dutton!

  6. Bumble of nerves*

    So I started trying Bumble about two months ago and posted here a few times with various frustrations. Not much has happened that’s worth mentioning (standard swipe/match/chat/meet, but so far no connections formed).

    But the other night as I was swiping, a guy I knew from high school came up. This was probably the first boy I had a crush on (oh so long ago). If this was a rom-com, I would’ve swiped right, we’d have connected, met up, gotten into hijinks and then live happily ever after.

    Of course, this isn’t a rom-com, so I didn’t do that and none of the other stuff happened. I sort of knew he was living in this city (we have a number of mutual friends) and last time we caught up was about 5 years ago (with some of the said mutual friends) . It was kind of fun to indulge the fantasy for a bit but realistically I know it’s not something that’s going to happen.

    1. Kali*

      I made out with my high school crush when we were in our early 20s,just to indulge that fantasy. It was not good.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I can’t think of any of my past crushes whom I would want to make out with now, except for the fictional one.

    2. Clever Name*

      I came across 2 former coworkers on Bumble, and I swiped left. Both were good guys I enjoyed working with, but had no romantic interest in them at all.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        I ran across one of the guys in my HR department. I can’t tell you how fast I blocked. Nope. No no. No.

        1. MechanicalPencil*

          Uh. To clarify since I’m also friends with people in HR, so it’s certainly not anti-HR feelings. He goes by say Robert at work, but was listed as Bobby. And his entire profile was something to the effect of “just buzzing around to see what’s out there” complete with a bee emoji. I feel I know too much now, particularly since I strive to keep work and personal very separate.

    3. wingmaster*

      Not romantic, but I had my first Bumble BFF “date” yesterday. It went ok..we watched Crazy Rich Asians, and that was it. We’ve probably talked for 5 minutes before and after the movie. We could’ve discussed more about the movie. Movies as the first date is weird…

      1. Tinder user*

        I just joined tinder to look for other women to talk to/meet/etc. (im female). For some reason I keep finding couples and men in my feed. I checked my settings 8 million times. Pretty annoying.

        1. Tiny Soprano*

          As a bi girl who’s had this problem before, there’s an app called Her that was better for that. It’s very glitchy, but you don’t get people constantly badgering you for threesomes the way you get on Tinder…

    4. AK*

      Found my roommate on Tinder a few years ago and thought it would be funny to “super like” him, so he got a notification whether he even saw me on there or not. It took me foreeeeeever to convince him that I’d done it as a joke and that I wasn’t harboring some secret love for him. I really wasn’t, I just thought it would’ve been a funny “haha, you too?” kind of thing and that we were similar and close enough that he’d see it the same way, he definitely didn’t.

  7. Babel*

    For people who teach/take language courses: how do you determine what level you should enrol in (assuming there isn’t an assessment at the point of enrolling)?

    Also, if you feel like you’re between levels, would it be better to go with higher to push yourself, or lower so you’d still get some practice without getting discouraged?

    1. Jo*

      Talk to one of the instructors if you can, or ask if the enrollment office can provide you with an e-mail address if no-one is around between the end of one course and the start of the next round. No teacher wants to teach students who’re either in over their heads or bored out of their minds, so they’ll be happy to offer advice based.

      As for the level in general: I think it depends on your learning situation. If you know you’ll be able (and motivated) to invest a few hours a week outside the course to prepare and review, a higher level can be rewarding. In that case also ask your teacher at the end of each lesson what topic/materials you’ll be covering next time so you can prepare at home.

      If you’re doing the course to get back into a language and as a stimulating hobby but you won’t have the time to diligently prepare every lesson, go for the lower level. It sucks all the fun out of a language course if you start falling behind after a few weeks and you can’t keep up. You can always do the lower-level course and then move on to the higher one afterwards, with a solid foundation to build on.

    2. Ruth (UK)*

      Personally, I prefer to go lower if I’m between levels. I have taken a number of language classes over the last few years including Arabic starting at beginner level and French starting at not-quite-beginner level. For the French I read the level descriptions and decided to go with the lower option of the two I thought I seemed to be between, as I have no deadline on my learning so I thought it better to end up reviewing things I might already know rather than be confused at a higher level

    4. Washi*

      I guess I’ll be the odd one out and say that I tend to see on the side of going higher. I tend to learn faster than average in language classes, and going into a lower level would only lead to me wanting to poke my eyeballs out in frustration with the slow pace, whereas at a higher level, I can feel challenged to catch up. But I think it depends on your aptitude! If I had to take a chemistry class, I would definitely go lower since I always struggled with that.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Ah I’m the opposite! I feel nervous and easily embarrassed when language learning, despite having learned various languages at various levels over the years. I prefer to keep it ‘safe’ and below my level and/or at a very comfortable pace. Conversely, if it was chemistry (to take your example) I’d feel more confident to have a go above my level and catch up (I’ve always found maths/science subjects to be my stronger points). I recently did an advanced Microsoft Excel course which I knew was above my level as I figured I could take away enough to do a bit of self-study afterwards and finish with more to take away than had I done the more basic one (this turned out to be true for me in this case). I guess people feel differently about different types of subjects etc

      2. ainomiaka*

        I am with you. I will generally get to the level of people around me in a language class-so if I was going lower I would be way more likely to not rise much. Whereas higher I would learn. But everyone is different.

      3. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I’ve found that the same is true for me; I like having more proficient classmates/peers because it causes me to push myself. (Language learning is also an area where I have very little fear of making mistakes, which is definitely not true of all learning areas for me.) When I did Spanish immersion (as an adult), I had far lower proficiency than anyone else in the immersion program, having only Duolingo lessons before I went. But all the other American participants wanted to use Spanish 100% of the time, so that forced me to jump in and just do it.

      4. Julia*

        I’m a really good language learner and I usually go lower nonetheless, because I don’t want to miss out on anything essential if I skip half a level. Filling in the gaps later can be really tough, as is getting rid of fossilized errors. But this also really depends on the class pace and classmates – if it’s suuuuuper slow and no one else ever speaks up, I’d react the same way you would.

    5. Koala dreams*

      In addition to talking to the teacher, ask to see what books and other materials they use. Looking through the books can get you an idea what level is suitable. If you still find you are at the wrong level when the course starts, take to the teacher right away. Sometimes you can switch class or the teacher can give you additional material suitable for you level.

      I used to prefer going to a slightly higher level, since I like studying language and I had time to put in extra hours in the evenings and in the weekend. The challenge made it more fun. Now when I’m busy with work and chores and also want to have free time to meet friends, I would prefer a lower level course. You never learn exact the same thing in different courses, so even if you took a similar course a couple of years ago, you will learn new material simply because the book has changed, or you’ll have another teacher, or the other students ask different questions than last time.

    6. Shrunken Hippo*

      For me it comes down to how much time I have to devote to it. If I have tons of time to spend practicing and going to tutorials and looking things up then I go higher, but if I know I’m not going to be able to do that I go lower.

    7. Amey*

      Thanks so much for this question! I am in exactly the same quandary myself and don’t have an opportunity to talk to a teacher beforehand. I’m signing up for an evening language class and do want to be challenged but I have a lot of other commitments (work, young children, an art I’m trying to make a second career in) so probably not realistic to assume I’ll be able to do lots of extra work if I’m a bit behind. I also want to make sure I really understand the different rules – I’m doing some Duolingo now and noticing some things that I clearly never actually understood in school. So, I’m going lower, thanks!

  8. Atlantis*

    I’ve been following this blog for almost a year now, and though I’m still only halfway through my Master’s program, I have found so much useful info for when I start applying for jobs. I’m actually taking a Lab Management class this semester, and I’m really looking forward to seeing if anything I’ve learned here will show up in this class, or if anything in class contradicts anything that Alison has said.

    1. Crylo Ren*

      I started an MBA program and the program’s “career advisors” gave quite a lot of advice that contradicted AAM and other workplace norms. Mostly along the lines of “oh sure, it is TOTALLY OK to to follow up on your resume in person, to call multiple times a day, and to drop off donuts with your resume! Hiring managers LOVE gumption!”

      1. AK*

        Same, I’m pretty sure I’ve learned more real life practices from Shark Tank and AAM than I got out of my MBA and management concentration.

    2. Nesprin*

      Lab science is definitely different than many office jobs though being professional is transcends boundaries. E.g. the ways decisions get made etc are often different from office work, and the de jure/on paper hierarchy is often not the real way decisions get made.

    4. NPF*

      Interesting how another post further down was removed for violating the non-weekend work and school rules but this one has been allowed to stay up.

      1. pm pop star*

        Why is it “interesting”? Alison has said she doesn’t see every post and she’s not online every hour of the day.

  9. Hawaii Honeymooner*

    Who wants to vicariously help us plan our Hawaii vacation? :D

    Constraints: late November/ early December. Two to three weeks. Budget isn’t super tight– we’ll aim for middle of the road hotels. Two space nerds in okay physical shape; we’ll do up to a six mile day hike, probably, and aren’t into surfing. We’re planning for stargazing from Mauna Kea, Pearl Harbor, whale watching, and the Lanai cat sanctuary.

    So now we have over a week of unplanned time to enjoy in beautiful, tropical paradise. We’re thinking mostly Maui and the Big Island? Everything I research looks amazing! How do I decide?? Also, should we look for non-resorty hotels, or is pretty much every hotel called a “resort”? We’ve never stayed in a resort, and they sound expensive, but I haven’t really researched it.

    AAM Commentators, what’s your favorite part of Hawaii?

    1. LDN Layabout*

      Much vicarious excitement! While I can’t give you tips on Hawaii, I’d say the best way to travel is how you enjoy travelling. Then it’s a case of finding that on the Islands.

      e.g. if you enjoy hiking and aren’t really resort people, pick out your top spots and see if there’s a one week rental that works as a home base. If those types of rentals are out of budget, then you go to your second favourite accommodation type, but the starting point should be what you to do :)

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Big Island vacation almost 20 years ago. Loved it; would do again.

      Kona side is sunny, Hilo side is rainy. The parks on the latter side are beautiful and fascinating–bring a raincoat and sturdy shoes. Don’t wait for the weather to clear to do anything. (Our first afternoon we drove around in the Hilo sunshine, as our preschooler had fallen asleep–then learned that Hilo sunshine is incredibly rare and we should have woken her and gotten out of the car.) Also recommend the Mauna Kea visit. (Spouse went; my asthma ruled me out and daughter’s age ruled her out.)

      In Hilo we stayed at a lovely inn with animals, tucked into the rainforest. In Kona at the King Kamehameha, paying the small upgrade for ocean view. Both were great. I don’t care about many “resort” amenities, and you should definitely be able to find quiet inns, B and Bs, beachfront hotels that don’t have resort fees, etc.

    3. Lucky to be fine*

      Don’t plan now, wait until the floods die down…

      Big Island is still underwater and parts of Maui were on fire as of yesterday.

      Don’t do anything until it is known what kind of damage we are looking at here.

      1. Lilo*

        Hugs from a Floridian who has lived through her fair share of hurricanes.

        For someone planning a trip months off, though, I wouldn’t worry. The touristy areas always bounce back the fastest because the government knows they need the money coming in.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      My favorite part was the food!

      I literally ate at a Foodland for several dinners – different poke bowls plus different pies (chocolate cream was a favorite) made a very satisfying dinner.

      Native Hawaiian food is worth trying – unfortunately as a Midwesterner American, I did find poi and lau-lau difficult to enjoy… and I consider myself pretty open food wise. However, the Asian/Hawaiian fusion food was amazing – I love poke, fried rice at breakfast (seriously, why can’t I get this in Boston??), kalua pig is pretty good but not awe inspiring, cream pies.

      I would agree that to pick a place you’d like to be and settle there for a bit – up to a week. Traveling all the time is taxing and I wouldn’t sacrifice having a relaxing time over “seeing more.”

      But seriously, get the supermarket poke. And have fried rice with eggs and sausage for breakfast.

    5. CAA*

      In Maui, you can probably find a condo to rent in Kihei. We did this years before there was an AirBnB, and I’m sure it’s even easier now. We’ve since stayed with friends in their Ka’anapali timeshare a couple of times, but I really liked Kihei best for its central location and less “resort-y” vibe.

      On the big island we did a road trip one year. Stayed 2 nights in Volcano Village, 2 in Hilo, 2 in Waimea and 2 in Kona. It was a nice way to see most of the island, but with the hurricane flooding and Kilauea erupting, I’m not sure how practical it would be this year. I’m sure the Kona area will be open and glad to have tourism, but I think you’ll have to wait and see if it makes sense to leave the west side of the island or not. For things to do aside from the observatory, there’s Kona Joe’s coffee plantation, a honey farm and a vanilla grower. I also really enjoyed the 3 National Historic sites along the west coast. We drove to all of them on a weekday during the school year and it was pretty much just us and some sea turtles on the beaches.

      1. Another Lauren*

        Came here just to say this about the Kihei condos! I loved staying there.

        My only other tip about Maui is to take a small bottle of white vinegar with you if you go to the beach in Hana, because I got stung by some jellies there and it’s a long drive back to anywhere with a first aid kit.

    6. chi chan*

      Good for you. You could try snorkeling with a guide. You may be able to find an experience on airbnb or through the internet. Snorkeling can be relatively simple even if its your first time.

      1. Jen*

        Snorkeling can be very simple. If you aren’t used to ocean swimming you may not realize – the salt means you can kind of just float easily. The biggest things with snorkeling are to keep your breath steady and to know how to clear your mouthpiece if it gets full of water (exhale hard). Practice that a couple times and you are good to go.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          Although if you’re not a strong swimmer, or aren’t used to ocean swimming, I’d still recommend either a guide or just paddling around at the edge of the beach. Ocean swimming has tides and undertows that can be very dangerous if you’re not used to them.

    7. Jen*

      On the Big Island, if you are a good swimmer, check out this bay near the Pu’uhonua O Hōnaunau National Park (yes, I had to copy paste that). There is a little reef then the water deepens out to about 80 feet but it is very very calm, like swimming in a bathtub (I only recommend this if you are a good swimmer). When I was there the bay was full of spinner dolphins and you could watch them swim and spin around before breaking through the surface for those little jumps they do. You can park at the National Park and walk.

      If it is open, I would highly recommend the Kilauea Iki trail in Volcano National Park (get an annual National Park pass). It is a 4 mileish hike (not hard though but gets hot) that takes you over a solid lava lake from an eruption from 50 years ago and is very cool, plus goes by the lava tube, which always is nuts for parking.

      On Oahu I recommend Hanauma Bay state park, where you can rent snorkles and snorkel in this amazing circular bay.

    8. Arya Parya*

      On the Big Island I stayed at the Kona Seaside Hotel. Not really fancy, but perfectly fine.

      The Volcano National Park is great. You can do hikes with a guide/ranger for free. You might want to spend a night near there, because it’s not really near Kona. Mauna Kea is beautiful for a sunset and then stargazing. You need a 4×4 to get to the top.

      On Maui I really enjoyed the Road to Hana and Haleakala National Park. There are some hikes you can do in the Park. The sunrise there is beautiful, but really busy.

      And I second all the snorkeling suggestions.

      1. Crylo Ren*

        Seconding the Volcano National Park on the Big Island if it reopens by the time you get there! Go at night, the glowing crater is stunning in darkness. Bring warm clothing, it gets cold up the mountain. You can explore the Thurston lava tube at night, too. Bring good flashlights as you’ll need to navigate a quick forest walk to get to the tube entrance, but the tube itself is lighted.

        And enjoy all of the various fusion food! I grew up in Oahu and the food is one of the things I miss the most.

    9. Lady Kelvin*

      I live on Hawaii. Oahu to be precise. The big island is a great visit, you can probably see everything you want in 4-5 days. Remember Volcano National Park is closed and probably will be in November/December because the volcano is erupting and won’t stop anytime soon. Maui is also nice. You can do the road to Hana and have some great views of the volcano and scenery. I’d give Maui about 3-4 days. Maui will also be the most expensive place you visit. If you are staying in a hotel (yes they are almost all resorts) it’ll cost you $3-400 a night. Oahu has tons more to do than Waikiki, but hats where you’ll probably be based because that’s where most of the hotels are. I can recommend hiking Diamond Head, which will only take you about 2 hours, Pearl Harbor, the Aloha Swap Meet, snorkeling in Haunauma Bay, a day trip to the north shore, a drive around the island (2-3 hour trip), hiking makapuu point. For food, if you like raw fish the sushi and poke is rivals Japan. There is some Hawaiin food, but really we have just about any kind of Asian cuisine you could possibly want, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Thai. If you like historical sites the Byodo Temple is a Japanese style buddist temple and of course Iolani Palace is a must see. I’d recommend a few days in Oahu at the beginning or end of your trip because it is such a lovely place. The Holiday Inn Waikiki is a great inexpensive hotel on Oahu and right across from the beach.

    10. Nacho*

      Travel company employee here. Whatever you do, make sure you get a name brand hotel like a Hyatt or a Hilton. Half of my day is spent working with people who skimped on their hotel, or just decided to be adventurous and try something new, and got burned by a “queen bed” consisting of a box with a sofa cushion on top of it, or mold covered walls, or “self-service cleaning”.

      That’s all I have to say.

    11. Mia W.*

      Put me in with the Kihei folks. It’s more chill than staying up the Ka’anapali coast.

      Generally, what I recommend for first time visitors to the state, is to take at least 4 days per island. (If you plan to stay on Lanai, rather than just day trip from Maui, that can be done in less nights.) 5 to 6 days is better. On Maui, Oahu, Kauai, or Lanai, stay in one place your whole time there, and drive around the island. If you stay somewhere sort of central, like Kihei in Maui, most things are about an hour away, two hours max.

      That does not work on the Big Island! I’ve done something similar to CAA’s road trip, and that was pretty great. That’s the only island I’ve used a guide book for, in part because you have to drive a lot. I used “Hawaii the Big Island Revealed”. The Big Island has few enough businesses that it covers most of the restaurants and hotels.

      Generally, you will need to rent a car. If you are in Honolulu, you can get around to the local sites including Pearl Harbor using Lyft, and you caaaaan do that a bit in Maui but it’s not easy.

      Don’t be afraid to stay at a local hotel or do Air BnB. I’ve generally stayed at whatever hotel (and yeah, a lot of them are called resorts!) was cheap and didn’t have awful reviews on Trip Advisor. Lots of places like that will have stuff like grills you can use and loaner boogie boards and the like. It sounds like you aren’t going to spend a ton of time in your hotels based on your description of the activities you want to do, so you might not need a full service resort.

      If you think you want to snorkel (and plan to go to the beach on your own), just buy a cheap snorkel at Costco. (If you plan on only going on one or two guided trips, they’ll have gear for you.)

      Have a great trip!

    12. GermanGirl*

      I spent a week on Maui 15 years ago. Here are the best parts:

      Guided snorkeling trip: A short session in the hotel pool to practice with the snorkeling gear, then out on a boat for a couple of hours. They also had food and drink on the boat and we went to a couple different spots. I prefer to bring my own snorkel and mask because that’s the equipment I’ve practiced with and I know exactly who besides me has used it.

      Sunrise bike trip down Haleakalā: We did this quite early in our trip so I had massive jet lag which was a plus here because I was awake anyway when they came to pick us up in the middle of the night. They drove us up the mountain in a bus and after viewing the sunrise they gave us bikes and we rode all the way down to the beach, stopping at a restaurant for breakfast.

      Also, just spending time at the beach with boogie boards was nice. If I ever go again, I’m going to give surfing a shot.

    13. Jules the First*

      We did Big Island four years ago and I loved it. We did Mauna Kea with Arnotts Lodge, which was the cheapest way to do it by a long shot, but rather unexpectedly for this space nerd, the highlight of the trip was a four hour guided kayak and surf trip to Kealakekua Bay, which has something to do with Captain Cook and is a gorgeous marine reserve that is only accessible by tour – we went with Adventures in Paradise, it was about $200 total for the two of us, and it was an unforgettable experience with some stunning scenery and beautiful wildlife (and I hate snorkelling).

    14. Shannon*

      I just spent the last half hour on the Lanai cat sanctuary website. You think my SO will mind changing our honeymoon plans to going there and only there?

    1. Teapot PM*

      Whoops, didn’t realise. Saw “free for all” and thought it meant so! Should have paid closer attention.

      I can’t see a way to remove my post so I’ll have to just hang my head in shame until it’s done for me. Thanks!

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        The open thread (two posts down) is for all the work questions. You could re-post this there, or wait for next week’s one.

  11. Villanelle*

    I feel I am addicted to eating chocolate and I no longer enjoy eating it…but I can’t stop. I think I need to go cold turkey. I also like desserts and cakes but I can portion those better. I will need something to replace chocolate – I don’t know what though. (I don’t like nuts or bananas or granola type bars)
    Any advice/comiseration/I have been there and I know the way out?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Turn into a chocolate snob. Get reaaaally, offensively, annoyingly, pretentiously, neurotically, picky about the type of chocolate you’ll eat. Fake it till you make it. Once you’ll only have chocolate from that one shop that you have to drive across town, climb a mountain, fight a dragon, and then answer the seller’s riddle for, you find you eat less.

      1. Anonerson*

        Seconding this! This approach really helped me when I was trying to cut back on partaking in the plentiful baked goods in my office.

      2. fposte*

        Another vote for this approach. Also observe your response actively while you’re eating it: is it enjoyable enough to be worth it even in that second and third mouthful, not just in getting to it? Is it ambrosial, or is it kind of chalky and gritty and you’re accustomed to overlooking that in the frenzy of the fat and sugar hit? When it’s all gone, do you think “That was well worth it” or do you think “Bleah”?

        If you have analytical tendencies this is kind of fun anyway–you start realizing the difference between stuff that really makes you happy and stuff that just fills your mouth. It doesn’t even have to be good stuff vs. bad stuff–I don’t like a lot of high end chocolate because I’m not a fan of dark, for instance–it’s about figuring out what stuff gives you the best per-ounce enjoyment rate.

      3. Anonymosity*

        This has helped me cut down on it too. I only eat European chocolate now and I’m not even tempted by nasty old Hershey bars in the checkout line. Even Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have lost their charm.

    2. LDN Layabout*

      Do you enjoy dried fruit? It’s still something you should only have in small amounts, but it’s still an upgrade from chocolate.

    3. Kali*

      I’ve found that drastic ally cutting down on sugar also removes a lot of the chocolate. Is it actually the chocolate itself you want to wean yourself off or is it the excess sugar/fat that goes with it? If the latter, 80% dark chocolate and some dried fruit works for me, if I’m low sugar otherwise.

      1. Villanelle*

        The chocolate is no longer enjoyable I just eat because I have to – so that would be the sugar…

        1. Indie*

          Depends if you just want a different sugar source or to nix the sugar:

          Sugar- Medjool dates were my go to when I couldn’t eat anything processed. I thought dates were tough and stringy but the fat medjool kind are like juicy candies.
          -Maple syrup. Mixed with nut butter, oil and salt on top of popcorn.
          -Haagan Daz salted caramel/Dulce de leche ice cream.
          -cranachan with lots of honey
          -eton mess.

          Low/no Sugar- So fat tends to be more satiating than carbs or sugar. If you’re trying to kick sugar cravings (or are having sleepy post-carb crashes), then lowering your sugars, white carbs and grains while upping fats might help while you’re kicking the habit.
          -full fat Greek yoghurt and berries
          – strawberries/peaches and cream
          -apple slices and nut butter
          -cheese and ham board
          -smoked salmon cream cheese roll ups
          – guac or hummus with crudites
          – 100 pc cocoa with whole milk/cream (this will taste super weird at first but it gets good)
          – avocado stacks (stack it with whatever and top with a poached egg)
          – creamy salad dressings.

          1. fposte*

            Is this a different kind of Eton mess than the ones I know and make? Even if you don’t add sugar to the whipped cream, the meringues are super-sugary.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Well, for me, i find that chocolate give me energy and endorphins when I’m not getting them from exercise, so I exercise more. Also, maybe some coffee would so the trick.

    4. nep*

      When I ate chocolate (always at least 72 percent, usually higher) regularly, I thought I could never give it up. But when I just didn’t buy it and it was not part of my daily habits, I was surprised how relatively easy it was to forgo it. While I would think of it and want it once in a while, in time that just faded.
      A friend once sent me a 100 percent bar from a shop in Belgium. It was an amazing experience eating that (could take it only in small doses, dissolved slowly in the mouth), and it showed me how much we really are after the sugar when we eat our “diluted” chocolate bars. Night and day.
      I feel that when I eat well–making sure I get necessary nutrients–I don’t think of eating chocolate. (Esp magnesium–do you get enough magnesium?)

      2. Tau*

        I’ve definitely found that with sugar in general, the more I eat it the more I want it. The effect fades rapidly – after a few days I tend to be more “eh, I guess candy would be nice?” than actually craving it – but getting to that point is pretty painful.

          1. fposte*

            I find it’s truer for me with chocolate than with anything else, and I suspect the caffeine plays a role there.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think chocolate can be quite addictive. And it can get to the point where a person gives up food almost entirely. (I know this for a reason….sigh.)
      Chocolate can be a stimulate. Make sure you are eating enough protein to get through your day. Develop a plan for one or more substitutes for chocolate. My substitute was watermelon. Other people might chose a different fruit.
      Load up on water. Sugar is like salt in that it pulls water away from our systems. I have seen different formulas, the formula I use it to divide my body weight by 2, and that resulting number is the number of ounces of water I should drink per day. I don’t always hit it, but each day is a clean slate to start over.
      I ate a lot of whole foods, mostly raw veggies. A chocolate diet means your body is probably missing vitamins and minerals it needs. When our nutrition levels go low so does our will power. You might like a drink with electrolytes in it. You might like smoothies. The more nutrition you get into your body the easier it will be to decide NO on the chocolate.

      To launch myself, I decided that I would not bring chocolate anything home with me and I would not bring it to work. This really narrowed my opportunities to have large amounts of chocolate. And I would tell myself, “oh, yeah, right. I no longer eat chocolate at work or at home.” This was just an affirmation to help me along.

      I will always love chocolate but I do not miss the misery of eating it when I no longer enjoyed it or wanted it. I can only describe the feeling as I felt hollowed out on the inside. It was awful. Now that I am on the other side of it I see how the chocolate messed up my digestive track and caused mood swings etc. I don’t miss that stuff.

    6. LilySparrow*

      I go through rounds of sugar/chocolate cravings, and I always have to remind myself of the things that help.

      How are your iron levels? Low iron can trigger sugar cravings, and they’re super, super common. Particularly if you are a person who bleeds every month. Even if you’re not, try a multivitamin that contains iron formulated for your age and biology.

      Chocolate also contains magnesium, which can get low if your regular diet isn’t great. The multivitamin should help, and/or you can take a calcium/magnesium supplement (obviously, you’ll want to check if there are interactions with any medication you may take.) I usually see the cravings ease after a few days of resuming the multivitamins or supplements. A cal-mag supplement at night can also help you sleep better.

      Look at what time of day or other circumstances when you eat the most. Try to mix up the pattern by planning a healthy snack at that time, getting the chocolate out of proximity, and/or choosing a conflicting habit to cultivate. For example, strong sugar-free peppermints or breath mints leave a minty taste in your mouth for a long time, and smelling peppermint throughout the day has been shown to reduce mindless calories by a significant amount. (Like 2,800 calories a week, if I remember the study right).

      Go to bed earlier. Night snacking is the hardest time to make good choices, and sleep deprivation makes you hungrier and have more sugar/caffeine cravings.

      If you can’t bring yourself to eliminate your chocolate stash entirely just yet, make it hard to get to. Like instead of keeping it your handy desk drawer, maybe keep it in the credenza on the other side of the room. Or in your locker, or in a bag in the coat closet, or something. Or at home, keep it in the garage. If you have to get up and walk there every time you want one piece, you will wind up eating a lot less without the mental struggle.

      I’m a big believer in minimizing how much you rely on willpower. Deciding not to do something or getting emotional about it tires your brain out, and when the decision fatigue sets in you’re going to give up and make even more bad choices.

      Make the good choices ahead of time when you’re not stressed, and then work on your biology, schedule, and your environment to support those choices.

      1. Tau*

        Low iron can trigger sugar cravings, and they’re super, super common.

        OK, now I know why my personal sugar limit that had been working very well since the start of the year crashed and burned under major sugar cravings this past month.

    8. SarahKay*

      The time I quit chocolate (and stayed off it for nearly three years!) I was helped immensely by a friend trying to tempt me to fail. I’m not good at willpower against myself, but I can be stubborn as anything if it’s to win a competition against someone else.
      Obviously this is very much YMMV, know-yourself sort of advice, but I guess more general advice would be to look at where you’ve succeeded at similar things in the past, and if there was a common denominator.
      I’d been in a similar place to you, just eating loads of chocolate and not really enjoying it and the three year break got rid of a lot of bad habits around it. I do eat chocolate again now, but much more in moderation.
      Good luck!

  12. Kali*

    My ex and I got back together and it’s going well. Time apart and reevaluation has helped us be more open and honest with each other, and, tbh, the fact that we’ve tried to be apart but failed satisfies my desire for romance.

    Some drama though. BF was best man for his friends, Mr A and Mrs A. Mrs A has a birthday coming up, so he asked if I could be his plus one, assuming it was just a formality. Mrs A said no, she thought I’d been rude to her and didn’t want me around. I accept that I can sometimes make a poor impression, and I’m happy to make a heartfelt apology, but neither BF nor I can think of anything egregious enough that she’d risk a friendship with BF over, and Mr A says there wasn’t anything, it’s just a ‘personality conflict’.

    BF is furious and considering never talking to Mrs A again, despite having considered himself their ‘adopted son’ for most of his 20s (we are all late 20s/early 30s). I am… Less mad. We’re pretty sure this isn’t about me, it’s about Mrs A. There’s only one other woman in the friend group, Mrs B, who’s married to Mr B, who no one really likes. I suspect that Mrs A wants to control the people around her, especially those important to her, like BF. She’s invited a single friend of hers to the birthday dinner, which BF suspects is a set-up for him. That would fit my theory, if she wants him to date a pre-existing friend of hers rather than an unknown.

    At the moment, I’ve suggested that BF point out that I’m going to be around for a while, that he loves Mrs A but the shunning isn’t cool, and that, while I’m not going to her birthday party, she will need to get used to the idea of me being around in general. I’ve also suggested that, if he go – which I think he should, because he doesn’t see his friends as much since leaving for uni – he should not call out the shunning, so as to give Mrs A a way to gracefully back down later, but should enlist his prospective date in choosing my Christmas gift.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Your plan sounds delightful, but depends on the third party in this setup, and how she feels about it. Still, he can go this once and say “OK, your birthday is a special day for you, but in the future, she IS my plus one,” or just not go. Up to him. Not everyone has to be friends with everyone else, but you should be polite to your friends’ SO’s.

      1. Kali*

        I completely accept that we’re not going to be best friends, and that’s okay…as you say, that’s a totally normal situation. But this kind of excessive reaction really makes me feel like there’s something going on that fundamentally has nothing to do with me.

    2. Kali*

      Oh, to expand on the “no other women in the friendship group” – Mr C and Ms C have been together for 7 years, but Mrs A used to bully Ms C at school, and the Cs are not really close to Mr and Mrs A. They’re not invited to birthday parties either, though they were at the wedding, and they’re close to BF. Mr D is also not allowed plus ones, because he used to bring random tinder dates, though he now has a full time girlfriend who has made the cut.

      1. WellRed*

        Mrs. A sounds delightful. Your attitude and your boyfriend’s is spot on. Soon enough, there will be more of upu nit welcome at her table than are welcome.

      2. KayEss*

        This kind of sounds like a circle of friends with waaaaaay more drama than it’s worth forcing yourself into. Do you actually want to hang out with any of these people that much, or is it just about the formality of being accepted into the group as BF’s partner?

        I’d let it go for a while–be warm and polite to Mrs. A if you encounter each other, but otherwise prioritize your time with this group strengthening your friendships with the people you actually like and who like you–and just let it be shown that you aren’t going anywhere. If she’s as close to BF as you say, she might just be having some weird feelings about the two of you breaking up and getting back together, and not want to deal with those at her own birthday party. Leave her a graceful out, like you said, but otherwise I wouldn’t burn too many brain circuits on what’s going on behind the scenes.

    3. foolofgrace*

      but should enlist his prospective date in choosing my Christmas gift.

      I assume you’re being sarcastic, because it’s not cool to take your frustrations out on the poor hapless intended-to-be-date. She probably has no idea of the context here.

      1. Kali*

        I think you might be picturing something other than what I meant here? It is a tongue-in-cheek suggestion, but I don’t see how asking for gift ideas would be a hostile action.

        1. foolofgrace*

          I think it’s just the way it was phrased made it seem like that to me. Certainly asking for tips might be fine, and one way to let the “date” know that he is unavailable.

    4. Agnodike*

      It sounds like there’s kind of a lot going on here. Your boyfriend considered himself the “adopted son” of a couple the same age that he is, the female half of which seems to have some trouble getting along with the partners of her male friends and maybe wants to set your boyfriend up with someone else? Yikes. This sounds like just generally a dysfunctional dynamic; in your shoes, I’d want to steer as clear as possible and save my shared boyfriend-and-his-pals hangouts for when he’s spending time with a different group of friends.

    5. Jane of all Trades*

      Honestly, while this may not be your favorite opinion, it looks like Mrs. A doesn’t like you a lot, and therefore does not want for you to attend her birthday party. I think that should be her choice. Some of my friends have partners who I am not crazy about, especially if there is a possibility for drama. Obviously it is not my place to tell them who they should or shouldn’t date, and I am nice to their partners whenever we interact, but I would not love to have them at my birthday party.
      The mature thing to do would be to accept that, and be civil to Mrs. A in the future, knowing that you will never be best friends, and that’s ok.

      1. Operational Chaos*

        This. No one sounds particularly mature in this, but a woman is allowed to decide her own guests list and the OP is the on again off again girlfriend.

        It’s her birthday, you don’t have a right to it. Let it go and focus on celebrations that aren’t focused on a specific person.

        1. Kali*

          Um, I know? That’s why I’m not going and don’t expect to? And why the plan IS to be civil?

          I’m quite surprised that you’re both repeating my own plan back to me as if it’s new.

    6. Beatrice*

      I think I know this friend group, lol.

      My Mrs. A enjoyed being the queen bee/mother hen to of a group of male friends, and then deciding which of their girlfriends made the cut. She preferred that the guys stayed clueless and bumbling and immature so they needed her input on things, and she disliked most of the women. (To be fair, some of them really needed help and/or a good smack upside the head, but it was a lot of drama all the time.)

      My husband and I were a few years older than most of the rest of the friend group. Mr. Beatrice tolerated her for the sake of hanging out with his friends. I found the entire friend group annoying and mostly let Mr. Beatrice hang out with them by himself, but joined for things like kids’ parties and weddings and things we hosted. The last straw for me was a party I agreed to go to, where she got drunk and cried and begged me to explain why I hated her so much. (I was civil to her, at a minimum, every single time we met, and usually was very nice; I definitely did not exude hatred. The harshest thing was that I didn’t cooperate with being mothered…I’m perfectly capable of managing my life without that kind of input, especially from someone five years my junior and with less life experience.)

      Mr. Beatrice and I host an annual cookout, and one of the highlights is a signature cocktail I make a big batch of every year. She asked me for the recipe for the cocktail (it’s my own twist on a regionally popular drink). Then she started a bunch of drama that led to a bunch of divisions within the friend group. Then she hosted her own competing cookout on the same date, where she served the same concoction and invited a bunch of the same people. We hang out with that bunch WAY less now, thankfully.

    7. Kali*

      Looking at the comments, it seems I haven’t made it clear that I have no particular interest in attending this specific party, or of integrating myself into the group. I’m annoyed because boyfriend is upset. I suspect Mrs A might be trying to force him to choose between us, which is unnecessary, imo. It sounds paradoxical, since I brought it up, but I’m annoyed to have to spend time/energy on not letting this become a huge drama.

      1. valentine*

        You don’t have to. You can let it be his circus. He is not the rejected party and he holds the cards. He can mitigate his own upset or seek comfort from someone who isn’t you. I think A is probably like Beatrice’s A: She sees you as a threat and wants to slot in someone who isn’t.

      2. Jersey's mom*

        Nope, you’re being dragged in via triangulation. Even though the issue is between the two of them, you have been indirectly involved. You want your BFF to be happy, and he’s upset with Mrs AS requirements. Maybe the best thing is for you and BFF to drag this out on a conversation twixt you two to discuss how you each feel and how you both want to act on those feelings going forward.

        It’s ultimately his call on how he wants to handle this, and he appears torn – “faaaamily”, vs dissing my BFF. And it sounds like his angst is driving you crazy (and I can absolutely understand why!)

        You might find some scripts and inspiration on captainawkward .com She answers questions about interpersonal relationships. Her blog has a lot of posts on handling faaaamily issues.

        There’s so many different ways he can choose to handle this from straight out no-contact to BFF visiting Mrs A with a discussion about boundaries, to flat out arguments (which would probably result in an ex-relationship, unless Mrs A thrives on arguments.). I think you both can find the right place on this spectrum with the Captain. Good luck. I am also dealing with crazy family and I know how draining this can be on a daily basis.

        Best of luck and I hope your stress level remains below nuclear!

    8. neverjaunty*

      I accept that I can sometimes make a poor impression

      OK, but were you in fact rude to Mrs. A? What did you do that made a ‘poor impression’?

      You may not intend it as such, but the post as coming across kind of glossing over why Mrs. A acted this way and coming up with a lot of reasons that’s she’s the villain of the piece and needs to STFU and make nice. And… maybe she is, in fact, a jealous horrible person who’s blowing something minor out of proportion.

      But the thing is, she’s already told you that she finds whatever-it-is-you-did so egregious that she doesn’t want you at her birthday. And she gets to decide that; she doesn’t need your agreement or Boyfriend’s that what you did was objectively so awful that she is allowed to be done with you, or that she is excused from accepting an apology.

      Has Boyfriend actually talked to Mrs. A about what happened, rather than using Mr. A as a go-between?

      1. Kali*

        Yes, he has. There was no such event.

        I have spent a lot of time questioning myself, because my mother spent 18 years telling me that no one liked me or wanted me around, and that if they said otherwise, they were lying. But… From the handful of times we’ve been around each other, it’s drastically unlikely that I did something so terrible that I don’t remember or notice it, BF didn’t remember or notice, and Mr A wouldn’t share. Mr A loves making obnoxious remarks to get a reaction and causing conflict, and he loves BF. There’s no way he’d be discreet if I did something that bad.

        I mentioned making a poor impression because, while I come across as confident, I can be quite shy. This has lead a few people, in the past, to assume I don’t like them. That’s normally resolved by an open conversation. It’s also not happened for a few years, so, again, it seems unlikely that that’s the case and also that neither BF or Mr A noticed and that Mrs A couldn’t describe it. I’m still happy to make a heartfelt apology if we figure out what I did, but so far the list is “didn’t finish every bite at dinner” and “accidentally burst a balloon at the wedding and made a child cry”.

        1. neverjaunty*

          “that Mr. A wouldn’t share” – is your boyfriend actually getting any of this directly from Mrs. A? It sounds like some and maybe all of this information about Mrs. A’s feelings is coming through Mr. A, who loves pointless conflict and frankly sounds like a complete ass.

          1. Kali*

            The first bit came from Mrs A, when he asked her about the plus one. Since then, he’s checked in with Mr A, but nothing else has actually happened.

            Wanted to blow off some steam at first, but now bored enough to relax about it. On reflection, it’s not that big a deal.

  13. Lcsa99*

    TLDR: Should we be concerned that one of our cats has been giving off guttural growls when playing with certain toys?

    So we’ve been having an unusual…issue with one of our cats. Honestly I am not sure it actually is an issue, but because I haven’t seen it before, I’d like to know if it’s something we should be worried about.

    So for background, we have two cats, both just over 3 years old. One cat is generally a sweetheart, but can be a little aloof. He likes having his own space; he likes to be petted a particular way; he only likes attention when he comes for it. Our other cat is a little more rambunctious. He loves attention any time he can get it. He has to play with everything in sight. He has to be the first to eat (even if the other cat made it to the bowl first). He also likes to play with his “brother” when his brother has no interest. So occasionally they will tussle a little, Sweetheart will give off small growls or an occasional hiss. Nothing serious, and we always just separate them – lock Playful in the bedroom for a short time out and then they are fine again. Most of the time both cats will be sitting on either side of the door waiting for the other to come back. So they are mostly good.

    But sometimes when Sweetheart gets his paws on certain toys, he’s given off these deep guttural growls that are both a little unnerving and a little funny since he’s usually so quiet and sweet. We have one of those feather-on-a-string-on-a-stick toys, and sometimes when he gets a good grip on it, he’ll start growling. These are very different from his “I don’t want to play” growls. I don’t know if he’s just warning his brother away because he is so used to Playful always getting first dibs, or if it’s something else. And last night we woke up to him growling again. Apparently he had managed to get into a bag of toys we left out, and pulled out one of his balls (it’s a plush ball with feathers sticking out. I assume it has catnip). Playful doesn’t usually care much for those, so we consider them all to be Sweetheart’s. But for some reason he was growling until I put Playful in the bedroom while Sweetheart was in the living room with his toy.  

    Is this something we should be concerned about, or is he just trying to get a few things he can have just to himself? It could also have something to do with the feathers themselves – we moved in October and found out (thanks to Sweetheart) that there was a nest attached to the bottom of our window A/C. He was obsessed with it and managed to pull some feathers inside until we had the nest removed. Is there something we should be doing differently?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Kitteh just wants to murder a bird or two. It’s their instinct after all – let him growl at the feathers.

      1. Cat Herder*

        Yup. We like to think our sweet kitties are domesticated. But deep down they are fierce hunters.

    2. Rezia*

      Our cat is also generally sweet and friendly. Very occasionally, when he has a mouthful of feathers, he will growl if we try to tug it away (gently of course) during play. I think it’s just instinct kicking in. I just wait until he drops it and resume play.

    3. OhGee*

      My gentler cat does this, too, with one particular toy-on-a-stick. He loves bugs and small objects, and this toy looks like a caterpillar. He growls and pants when he plays with it, and even carries it around as if he has captured real prey! It doesn’t worry me at all – cats are hunters, and domesticated cats ‘ instincts can come out in surprising ways.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Normal. It’s instinct. Bit of territorial marking type behavior.
      Assuming the 2 cats generally get along, there will likely be one who’s dominant over the other. This can be obvious, or very subtle. As long as both cats are happy and healthy, and no one is getting injured, this dynamic isn’t a problem.

      Get more feather toys since they’re so popular :)

    5. Cringing 24/7*

      Our calico will do that whenever she finds a ball of hair we missed picking up from brushing (or if she manages to steal it away before we can throw it out). I think it’s just a territorial thing that says, “THIS is my FAVORITE things right now and no one else can have it!” Once we take it away, she goes completely back to normal.

    6. mreasy*

      My totally lazy snuggleface does the same thing with a “mouse” on a string toy. He’s caught it, and is warning you & the other cat not to try to steal his prey!

  14. valentine*

    How can I get restaurants to consistently cook meat well done on delivery orders? I’ve gone so far as to note that burnt is preferable to rare, but they still rarely cook them through.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I don’t think you can. Many chefs just have a block when it comes to “overcooking” meat. I am like you and would rather it be burnt than have any pink. Assuming it’s something like steak you can ask them to butterfly it – which makes the meat thinner and more of it gets cooked through. Other than that it’s just trial and error. Keep trying restaurants until you find one that cooks it the way you like.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      My first thought was that medium rare steak is the food of the gods and you should just become more flexible/embrace a better temperature preference but that’s probably not helpful.

      I guess the other options would be:
      1) Order something other than beef (and to a lesser extent pork or fish) – I’ve never of chicken not being well done
      2) Find a place that meets your preferences and become a regular – they are more likely to make things how you like them, especially if you also tip well (if you are in a place with a tipping culture)

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        You could also branch out from the block of meat type order that will be more likely to be underdone by your preferences. Stews, curries, stir fries (with very small pieces of meat), soups will have well-done meat almost by default…

    3. Justme, The OG*

      Restaurants will always undercook meat. They can slap it on the grill for a few more minutes if it’s sent back but anything over cooked has to be thrown away. In short, you can’t.

    4. Minta*

      One last attempt at making clear what you want would be to specify the temperature to which you want the center of the meat cooked, in addition to the qualitative description (something like, “*very* well-done, minimum 160F internal temperature). Still might not work, because it may be a case that they understand what you want but refuse to do it (or they may feel micromanaged by the request).

      I have found that the super hot grill or griddle will sometimes char the outside to the point that maybe an inexperienced or rushed cook might assume it’s way more done inside than it is. I’ve had this sort of trouble when ordering medium. Just guessing what is happening. That’s why I think the temperature check might help if the cook agrees to do it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      You could say it up front when you order, “I want it my steak well done. I can’t eat it if it’s not cooked all the way through, so I will have to send it back for more time on the grill if it’s even a little pink.” Say that before the staff person takes the order to the kitchen. Then if it is pink, send it back.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          This issue is so fraught for some reason that I think you will have to train them. Call them afterwards and tell them every time that you wanted it cooked a bit more until the time comes that you can order and start saying, “I’m the guy who always asks for meat really well done,” and they all know who you are. They’ll get it eventually. This does kind of preclude overseeing from multiple places, though.

    6. LuJessMin*

      Be careful what you wish for – one time I told the waiter I wanted my steak well-done, burn it if you must. It came out a charcoal brick.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I prefer medium rare in general, sometimes rare. My husband’s family likes well done. Restaurants are not reliable though – I sometimes tell them I want it somewhere in between still alive and cremated.

    8. Phoenix Programmer*

      I use to like steak well but then I got some medium high aquality filet and it helped me transition to medium and medium well. I’m a much happy steak consumer now. At home I like to make a juicy well but so many restaurants just can’t do it.

      1. LuJessMin*

        I had gone to a charity event where dinner wasn’t served until 8 pm and by that time I was starving. The steak was served medium and it was delicious. I order my steaks medium well now, they come out a bit medium and I’m happy.

        My dad like his steaks very, very, rare – basically warm on each side was good for him.

    9. fposte*

      In my area, you’re lucky if you get the food at all when it’s delivery. My guess also is that chefs may consciously undercook delivery orders even more to allow for some additional “cooking” as it roams leisurely around town in somebody’s insulated pack.

      If there’s a particular restaurant where you know you can get stuff cooked to your liking when you’re in there, I’d try reaching out to the restaurant when you order in addition to sending the message via the delivery service.

      1. valentine*

        When starving, this wouldn’t occur to me. It would also feel like failure/being a doormat/defeating my purpose. I can’t convert; the pink can get me thisclose to vomiting. I can’t eat roast beef because of this. Sometimes I just crave a burger/steak and I don’t see what’s in it for a chef who refuses my request, unless the delivery service is eating the refund.

        1. WS*

          You can also chop it in half and put it in the microwave for a minute or so to get rid of the undercooked bit. I also have texture problems with undercooked steak and this really helps me.

        2. fposte*

          I doubt it’s refusing the request so much as churning out the delivery food ASAP. IME, you can get food delivered or you can get food reliably customized, but not both.

    12. Persimmons*

      When we ordered food like this for a relative, we specified why (autoimmune disease) and stressed that anything underdone would be returned for her safety.

      If you’re doing it out of preference instead of necessity, my personal style is to use really casual terms and sometimes even throw in some salty language and jokes. As a server, I noticed that people who made their requests clear without coming across as a “can I speak to your manager” type tended to get what they wanted from the kitchen because they made it obvious that they weren’t just looking for reasons to complain. So, something like “Hey, I can’t stress enough how much underdone meat grosses me out. Please really cook the shit out of it, I’m not kidding.” Open the box before the delivery person leaves. When you finally get it the way you want it, exclaim happily about it in front of them and tip memorably. Do that once, and you’re golden.

  15. Loopy*

    Bakers! I need tips! Next weekend I want to take on what is (for me) an ambitious baking project. I want to try and make a three layer extreme chocolate salted caramel cake. I have all the recipes I want, hand picked. It includes two different salted caramel recipes (one goes into the frosting the other gets drizzled over the cake like a ganache), the salted caramel butter cream frosting and the actual chocolate cake recipe. I’m excited because I want to try and make it really gorgeous and theres no event- so zero pressure or time constraint.

    My questions are: are any of the things safe to make the night before to keep me from getting overwhelmed? Can the frosting be stored without consistency/texture issues the next day? Will un frosted cake dry out? Or should I just make it a one day project for best taste/texture?

    Also this will be my first attempt at smoothing out the frosting and doing some nice decorations with it around the top. Any advice on the best brand of tool I should buy for a beginner? I don’t even know what the “frosting smoother” is technically called, or which cake decorating tips will give me the lookI want.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      The frosting smoother is called a bench scraper and I use one. It’s wonderful! And you can use it for other things, too. But first you want to spread and smooth the frosting with an offset icing spatula (just Google that). Good luck!

      1. Loopy*

        So wait, frosting a cake is a two step process? Like get the frosting mostly in place and even, just not perfectly smooth, then smooth out for that final look? (such a beginner!)

        1. The Other Dawn*

          It depends how smooth you want the frosting. Sometimes the spatula doesn’t get it quite where.you want it, either because of the consistency of the frosting or the size of the cake. The bench scraper isn’t a necessity but it’s really nice to have. Much faster for the sides of the cake when you have a rotating cake table!

    2. Red Reader*

      Buttercream can usually be made the day before with no problem, just take it out of the fridge an hour or two before you want to use it so it can come to room temp and maybe give it another whizz with the beaters.

      The cake would also be fine overnight in my experience, let it cool thoroughly and then cover it. I don’t even fridge it for just one night if it isn’t frosted. (But if it’s not thoroughly cooled before you cover it, it might end up sticky. Condensation, I think, but I’m not a good chemist to know for sure :) )

      The frosting smoother is an angled spatula, I believe :) good luck!!

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I’m debating whether to do the cake or frosting the night before. Hmmmm. I think the frosting because it includes it’s *own* caramel recipe. Thanks again!

        1. Red Reader*

          A couple years ago I did cupcakes for a friend’s wedding. I did the cupcakes on Wednesday and Thursday, the frosting (chocolate buttercream) on Friday, and assembled everything at the venue on Saturday, and she still randomly out of the blue raves about them two years later :) so clearly the storage time didn’t hurt anything :)

          1. Loopy*

            Thanks! This makes me feel better about spreading it out. I want this to be a fun long weekend activity where I’m not super exhausted!

      2. Little bean*

        This sounds so fun! I love baking and haven’t had time lately due to “life” situations. Let us know how it goes!

    3. Lcsa99*

      I think you can probably make most of it the night before if you wanted. Definitely the cake – I’ve even made cake the week before and just wrapped it well and threw it in the freezer. For the caramel I think you’d be ok, you will probably just need to warm it up so its pourable.

      For decorating, it depends how crazy you wanna go with the tools. The basic would be any sized offset spatula. Last year I also got a rotating cake table and icing smoother and that made a huge difference in how easy it was. I can post a link to it shortly.

      This sounds incredible btw. I am dying for the recipe.

        1. Loopy*

          Thanks! It’s in my Amazon cart now! I was going to run out and look but you did the work for me! I’m thinking I’ll do the frosting ahead of time because I want to do a three layer cake so I’ll need a lot and it requires it’s own caramel sauce which will make it a two step process.

    4. Sled dog mama*

      One trick with making the cake ahead is to brush on a simple syrup (equal parts by volume water and sugar heated just until the sugar dissolves, you can also flavor the syrup, I usually do vanilla) just before frosting. I do this even when I’m frosting immediately (upon cooling) since it helps the cake retain moisture longer.
      When I started baking it took me a while to figure out that I wasn’t probably creaming my butter and sugar most of the time, your butter really has to be room temperature and you have to let it cream for a lot longer than you think. If your cake includes this step it really makes a huge difference to the final texture of the cake, the better you cream the butter and sugar the finer your texture will be.
      Happy Baking!!!! Your project sounds delicious!

      1. Loopy*

        Thank you- both of these tips are wonderful!!! How much of the simple syrup to you use? Basically is it better to be a little heavy handed or err on the light side with it? I’m often so bad at judging things without exact measurements (makes me a better baker than a cook!)

      2. Lcsa99*

        I bet in this case you could brush it with some of the caramel instead of simple syrup. Do it when the caramel is still very hot and liquid gold.

        1. Sled dog mama*

          Hmm… that sound delicious but the consistency might make spreading the caramel difficult.
          For how much I don’t actually measure just brush it on with a pastry brush but I’m guessing a couple of tablespoons per layer, you don’t want it soaking just barely damp

    5. ThatGirl*

      Hi, I work for a major baking supply company.

      The buttercream will be fine for a few days ahead, just cover tightly, refrigerate and let it come to room temp & rewhip before using.

      The cake you can make ahead but I’d wrap individual layers in plastic and again let warm before stacking/decorating.

      There are lots of tools and spatulas out there, maybe watch a few tutorials. Wilton has some good icing combs for smoothing or textured looks. I would be glad to answer tip questions.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Star tip. The salted caramel looks like it might be a closed tip, but I’d get an open tip, it’s more versatile.

          If you think you’ll be doing more decorating, a set of tips would be cheaper than individuals. Get one off Amazon or somewhere that has pastry bags and couplers with the tips, and you’ll have plenty to play with. Just use the largest star tip (the zig zag one) for this project and it’ll look great.

          If you mess up piping, you can lift the bad part off with the tip of your offset spatula. It’ll leave a rough spot, but just pipe over it. You can also practice piping on a cookie sheet or wax paper and just scrape the frosting bag into the bag when you’re done.

        2. ThatGirl*

          The first one looks like a ruffle tip, second like a star. You can definitely get a basic/beginner tip set and some practice instructions for under $10, usually comes with a few bags as well. A 1M or 2D are both classics.

          Here’s a video on various borders: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kGxGZv6yExA

    6. Not My Money*

      A chilled cake is easier to frost/decorate. Not chilled frosting but the cake itself. And look up crumb coat – always a good first step. Oh, a level your layers (cut off any domes for a stable stack).

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I had to run out earlier and couldn’t write everything I wanted to write. Yes, you can make these things ahead of time. Just make sure everything is wrapped really well.

      Does the frosting have an all-butter base, or is it a shortening-based frosting? If it’s all butter, you’ll need to leave plenty of time for it to come back up to room temp before you can do anything with it. And if it’s really hot out, it may run. If it’s shortening-based, you really don’t even need to refrigerate it as long as it’s just overnight and it’s not scorching hot outside; I’ve done this many times.

      Don’t cut into the cake until you’re ready to frost it. That will help it stay moist. AS someone else said, you can brush it with a simply syrup to help it retain moisture.

      I mentioned the tools already, but I also second a rotating cake table. Not a necessity, but it’s really nice to have. It makes life so much easier.

      And finally, making a cake from scratch, start to finish, is very very time-consuming depending how big it is and how much decoration it will have. Unless you really don’t mind taking your time or don’t need to have it ready at a certain time, I wouldn’t do it all in a day; it’s exhausting. I generally do it over three days since I usually need the cake on a Saturday and I work during the week. I usually make the frosting one day, cake the next, and then decorate the final day.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks so much! This is a no-pressure just-for-me project! I’ve baked amateur desserts with a lot of success but I’ve never tried my hand at stepping into the world or really polished desserts. So this is a total first attempt in that sense!

        I’m thinking of doing a massive amount of butter cream Saturday night and then baking the cakes Sunday morning and then frosting Sunday afternoon. The decorating will just be trying to get a very prettily, neat frosted cake with basic piping around the top and some chocolate curls. I was thinking of doing a caramel drizzle between butter cream and piping but now I’m not convinced it’s necessary.

        Overall, I’m hoping decorating will most just be me trying to get my frosting technique right!

    8. Kuododi*

      I have absolutely no answers for you except to say I am having a full body shiver thinking about your magnificent cake!!! You’ve managed to encorporate three of the best things in the world to eat. (Chocolate, salt, and caramel…if you could figure out how to work in some bacon then I am pretty sure that would be perfection!!!! Wink!). I think I am in love with your cake!!!

      1. Loopy*

        *hopefully* it’ll be magnificent. I have to say I can see how a sprinkle of crumbled bacon around the top edge would work but….

        I’m a vegetarian. So no bacon on my cake! :P

    9. Celestina Warbeck*

      Sounds delicious! One tip that might be helpful is if you make your frosting ahead of time, when you store it, use plastic wrap and have it touch the frosting and then use the container lid or whatever on top of that. It’ll help prevent the dried out “skin” in the frosting. I also find a large and a small offset spatula handy for frosting large cakes.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks. I’ve seen that if you refrigerate the cake for about 20 minutes,you can use plastic wrap without messing up the frosting? I still worry about that- my brain naturally goes NOOOOO WE CAN USE PLASTIC WRAP.

  16. Sera*

    The other day I read a quote that was something along the lines of “The reason I stopped initiating contact with you isn’t because you matter less to me now, but because I’ve finally realised I don’t matter as much to you”.

    That’s how I’m feeling about one of my long-term friends. We used to message constantly (on top of phone calls and meeting up in person) and over the past few years it’s growing less and less frequent. Yeah, we’ve both grown up and grown apart, it happens. I think it just took me longer to accept it than it should have.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Friends for a reason, a season or a life time. I have found this expression to be very helpful for getting to a peaceful place. The life time friends are very rare.
      I am sorry.

    2. WellRed*

      I am in similar place with a friend, though I know she still loves and adores me. Other people and stuff, though, have risen higher up for her.

    3. Zona the Great*

      I’m the one who stopped responding so much to my former BFF. I honestly stopped enjoying her. She changed so much that I couldn’t pretend to like her anymore. I eventually ended it with her saying I couldn’t get past some things (she became a fundamentalist Christian and started praying her son’s autism away instead of getting him any help).

      Things do change. Friends drift. Usually not so dramatically as my relationship.

    4. Waiting for the Sun*

      It is hard – been on both ends of that situation. If it helps, think of ways you may have changed, too, and interests that she didn’t share.
      Friendships can be trickier to end than romance. If a friend didn’t do anything wrong, but you just don’t especially enjoy socializing with them anymore, hard to make a clean break.

    5. Ja'am*

      I’m dealing with this, and have in the past. The last “real talk” I had with this friend, I told her what I felt like, how I felt like she wasn’t making an effort to keep in touch with me. She basically told me that I will not be a priority in her life. So sometimes these suspicions are true and real. She said that she still wanted this to work, but has also since continued to not make an effort, so I’m basically done trying to make this work myself and have actually been thinking about sending her a message telling her so. I don’t want to burn bridges, but I also don’t want someone “in my life” who’s not actually in my life. I’ve done and sacrificed too much for people who don’t care.

      If people act like they don’t care, they don’t. If she cared enough to even spend 5 seconds to send me a “hey” text EVER, she would have; she doesn’t, and I’m done with people pretending to care who treat me like this.

      I DO think you should talk to the person first. I think it’s much more worth it (if it’s worth it to you) to get to the heart of the problem with communication instead of letting the friendship fizzle out due to what might be able to be solved by talking through it.

      Good luck!

    6. Drifting Away*

      I’m being that friend right now, due to long-term eldercare. It’s hard because I want to make sure people know I miss them and want their company, but I also can’t really make clear how all-consuming this is without oversharing the medical issues of a very private person.

      So, my advice is to leave the door open, but not put in more effort (assuming this is about just drifting away and not an actual act that you can’t forgive). Circumstances change, and they may drift back into your life.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      I had a very long term friendship end, pretty mutually – I kind of think I gave up first, but she might think she did and not be wrong either. Kind of a combination of she didn’t need me much anymore, I made some mistakes that hurt the friendship, and ultimately neither of us was the kind of person we wanted the other to be, to stay friends.

      However, other friends that I was previously close to kind of drift in and out of my life, and it’s mostly okay. I don’t like being ghosted but I also give up after one unanswered attempted contact, so it’s entirely possible that I seem like the ghoster. I feel like other people are better friends to my friends than I am, so that’s who I think they should spend most of their time with. If and when they’re interested in seeing me, I’m almost always available. That’s the way I made peace with it after spending most of my teens and 20s clinging So Hard to every friendship – I just don’t feel up to investing the time anymore.

  17. This Sucks*

    Never in a million years did I think I’d be writing this: I’ve found bed bugs in my house.

    My husband was complaining of being itchy during the night for a few days. He started noticing what looked like mosquito bites on his arms. He then had three days straight where the itching was pretty bad. This was a span of about a week, total. At first we thought maybe he developed some kind of allergy or hives or something. We never thought “bed bugs” since I wasn’t itching and didn’t have any marks on me.

    Last week he decided to go look for bed bugs and…he found some. There were a few telltale spots on my side of the bed, but they were definitely concentrated on his side. He tends to keep a pile of clothing on the floor next to/under the bed (been trying to get him to break that habits for 25+ years to no avail), so I’m thinking that might be why it was worse on his side. Needless to say, we were both in shock.

    So, we’ve sprayed the mattress and the platform (it’s plastic) multiple times; set traps (sticky strips and attractant traps) and there’s nothing in them after about four days; washed and then dried everything on high heat; trashed all clothing that was on the floor in the bedroom; washed and dried everything we had in bins under the bed and also bought new bins; and checked everywhere else in the house for evidence of bed bugs and found nothing. We thoroughly vacuumed the room and the bed itself. We sprayed again a few times and then left the doors closed. We’re sleeping in another room.

    My question is this: is there anything else I should do? It seems as though we caught this before it because a very big infestation. When we discovered them we found some live bugs and shells, but it wasn’t a lot. It’s been about a week since discovery. I bought a mattress encasement and a new covering for the bed base. I also bought encasements for the pillows. We tossed his pillows and kept mine, as there is no evidence at all that mine were affected. Plus mine already have a covering that is supposed to act as a barrier; it’s very tightly woven and looks just like the encasements I bought.

    Another question: how the heck do I get past this feeling that my bedroom is “safe” again? I think that’s the hardest part for us. My logical mind tells me that I’ve done a lot to mitigate this, but I can’t help but feeling this will pop up again soon. We think we may know where these came from, but of course we can never be sure.

    1. Loopy*

      Disclaimer: I’m biased.

      If you have the money, I would hire a professional just for the peace of mind: knowing they are gone 100% and getting tips for the future if you do ever see more. I say this as a child who’s grown up with the family business being extermination (bias) I’m not in the business but I’m always shocked at how thorough my dad is when he talks about his work (they also do a lot of bed bug work) and it’s nice to have someone to follow up with if you aren’t sure it’s 100% solved.

      For me, sometimes it worth handing off the issue to a professional more for mental reasons /anxiety than I actually absolutely need professional help.

      Also, definitely don’t feel bad, bed bugs happen a lot.

    2. HarvestKaleSlaw*

      I am really sorry to tell you this – but spraying doesn’t do crap for bedbugs. If you are in a multifamily building, you need to call the management. And I’m really sorry, because it will cost, but you need to call a professional. Don’t skimp either. There are a lot of fly-by-night exterminators. Get one who specializes in bedbugs.

      If you are trying to do this on your own, read up. There are steps you need to be taking like:

      1) Either:
      A) Bagging up the mattress and the box spring in a special airtight bag before you drag them through the rest of the house, and then putting them on the curb.
      B) Getting a really good mattress encasement and sealing the mattress and box spring FOREVER. The mattress will still be full of bedbugs and eggs, and you will be sleeping on them, but eventually they will die off.

      2) Bagging up every single soft thing in that bedroom in an airtight plastic bag: clothes, pillows, bedding, stuffed animals, EVERYTHING and then putting it in the dryer, on the highest heat setting, for a bare minimum an hour (kills the eggs). Anything you can’t dry on high heat, try putting the sealed bag in a (very) hot car in the summer for several days.

      3) Using a high-heat steamer (you can rent one, a clothes steamer won’t do), to thoroughly steam the bedframe and the rest of the room. Bedbugs will harbor in baseboards, the back of dresser drawers, picture frames, outlet plates… Read up on bedbugs and make a list so you get every corner. You have to go slow and do multiple passes. You have to move furniture.

      4) Dust the baseboards, outlet plates, bedframe, etc. with one of the anti-bedbug powders.

      Plan on a whole weekend to do the cleaning. When you are done:

      1) Put “climb-ups” on your bed.

      2) Move your bed a foot from any wall or curtain or furniture on all sides and make sure no bedclothes ever touch the ground. You have to leave the bugs with no way to climb up.

      3) Bag your new mattress and box spring in a bedbug-proof liner (easy to find online) and make sure it doesn’t rip.

      If the bedbugs have spread to other rooms, they could be in armchairs or sofas, but if you caught it early, they may still be in just the bedroom. Still, it doesn’t hurt to put climb-ups on all of the furniture around the house/apartment. If you missed any bugs or eggs, and they can’t get on your bed anymore, they will look for other places to get a blood meal. They live for months. If they get past the bedroom, it gets ugly.

      Also, I’m really sorry, because I know you are freaking out horribly right now. You CAN get rid of them. It will one day be a bad memory.

      1. This Sucks*

        We’re in a house, so at least I don’t need to worry about getting them from another apartment or unit.

        We’re pretty confident that they didn’t get beyond the bedroom but we can never be sure of course.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I will echo the need for a professional. You won’t get rid of them just by spraying.

      I sympathize; when I had bed bugs, it was the most stressful thing I had ever experienced, for various reasons. First, I had to move everything in my apartment to the middle– I lived in a studio. I had to wash and dry everything I owned, which cost me several hundred dollars and more time in the laundromat than I thought possible. I felt like I couldn’t tell my friends because bed bugs spread so easily and everyone in New York is terrified of them (the episode of 30 Rock where Jack has them IS REAL), so I felt entirely alone. Then the exterminator came three times, and after his first visit, I came home to find all of my furniture upended so he could thoroughly spray.

      But all I can say is that with time, I got ok with being in my space again. In my case, I had no choice (again, studio apartment). I had to let go and put my trust in the professional who helped me get rid of the little jerks, which is another reason to call in a professional. The weirdest thing I did was keep some of the “bomb” residue on my bookcase; it made me feel better to see evidence that there was stuff in my home designed to keep the bedbugs at bay. I just looked at the bookcase, and those little white dust marks are still there. It’s been over 10 years since I had bedbugs.

      I wish you luck! Just know that you will be fine.

      1. This Sucks*

        I definitely haven’t told anyone at all. Luckily we have company rarely so I at least don’t have to worry about people coming over and getting them.

    4. Fellow Traveler*

      We have battled bed bugs off and on for three years. It is stressful, but it is definitely not a statement about your level of cleanliness.
      Get a professional bed bug exterminator, preferably one with a really long (like one year) guarantee. They are trained at detection and looking for signs of bed bugs. Some even have dogs that can scent bed bugs. They will search everywhere. It is expensive, but bed bugs isn’t something you can solve yourself. Believe me, we’ve tried. We have tried both organic, non toxic exterminator and chemical treatments. The latter works better.
      Bed bugs travel where there are people. I have found bed bugs in the living room and on my jackets. They are also very hardy. When we first started finding bed bugs, I would capture them and seal them in a jar to show the exterminator. They lasted months. No food, no air. As one exterminator put it, “When there is no food source, they sit around playing cards and hanging out with each other until youcome back.” Encasements just trap colonies to breed in the mattress, and they will get out. Most exterminators advise against encasements until after treatment.
      Also, the only way to know if they are still there is to sleep in the bed. All exterminators that I have had say you have to go back to sleeping in the room because a) sleeping in other beds increases risk of spreading, and b) you need to lure them out in order for them to get to the insecticide.
      Anyhow, good luck. Bed bugs definitely can cause a lot of anxiety and shame. There is a lot of paranoia about it. We couldn’t have people over because people tend to freak out when they know, and we worried about it spreading. The exterminator was the only thing that helped us feel fully confident that things were back to normal. Also, remind yourself, that having bed bugs is not a reflection on your household skills. They are just persistent critters. When the earth ends, it will just be cockroaches and bed bugs.

    5. Jess*

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this- we just found bedbugs as well, and like you it isn’t a big infestation but very emotionally draining ant time consuming. Along with the other advice, we have been caulking in any cracks we can find and using diatomaceous earth (it dries them out and is an abrasive, but is generally not an issue for people, just try not to inhale or get it on your skin) on the floor and the mattress.
      One really important thing- as much as it sucks, all our research says you should NOT sleep in another part of your house because you run the risk of them following you (they are specifically attracted to you when you’re sleeping) there and infesting areas that previously weren’t affected. We have been sleeping on an air bed in our room and haven’t been getting bit for the last week. Every morning we shower before going anywhere else in the house and run our bedding through the drier on the highest setting.
      Good luck, and I feel your pain!

      1. Reba*

        Yes, I really want to flag the diatomaceous earth!!!!

        This as well as HarvestKaleSlaw’s steps are what we used and WE WON. I consulted with a “green” exterminator who sprayed our mattress with wintergreen oil to treat it. We did not have to get rid of the mattress or any furniture.

        The sprays that consumers can buy don’t work. Diatomaceous earth does. (You may even find them dead on your floor from it, which is grim but very satisfying when you are going a little crazy).

        Get into a system with heat drying, either in a dryer or hot car for several hours, your bedding and laundry, then bagging what’s clean. If you are consistent about this it is not too burdensome.

    6. This Sucks*

      Thanks for all the suggestions and the sympathy.

      I guess what we have going for us is that it seems to be a very small infestation caught early. I’ve checked everywhere in the house and I’m not finding anything else. We checked all the house furniture and vacuumed it all–nothing found and no bites. All our bedding and clothing has been through the highest heat setting on the dryer for an hour and we’re keeping it in the family room away from the bedroom. Also, we have a Sleep Number bed, so we were able to unzip the actual mattress and see inside, and there’s nothing there. It seems as though the bugs only made it under the mattress cover we had on there, which isn’t an encasement, and under the “box spring” cover (it’s not a real box spring–it’s a molded plastic platform).

      But even after all this and not seeing anything in the traps…I’m still not comfortable and thinking of calling an exterminator anyway. I haven’t a clue as to what it will cost, but hopefully it isn’t too bad since we just had to have a new roof put on.

      Something I thought of today is to throw away my luggage, which is in the closet, so I’ll have to do all that clothing, too. (UGH wish I’d thought of this earlier!) Even though I’m pretty sure the bugs didn’t come from a very recent hotel stay (beginning of the month, we checked the mattress and bedding the minute we got into the room), I can’t be sure, and I’m just not comfortable using the luggage now; all I can think is, “What if??”

      1. Lore*

        Generally the bedbug inspection visit isn’t too expensive—for a house maybe $75 or $100? (It was $550 for my entire apt building a few years back.) And the good exterminators deduct that from the cost of the full service if you need it. They can tell the difference between an active infestation and one that’s already controlled. The price of the full service depends on how many rooms need treating but it is pretty pricey.

      2. Jane of all Trades*

        Thankfully I haven’t had bedbugs myself (living in constant fear, because they often occur where I live), but I had a scare once and therefore had to research the issue — I have not seen people comment on the life cycle of bed bugs. As far as I can tell it can be very possible that there are eggs or larvae left in your house, and you will therefore need to repeat the cleaning process a couple of times so that you can get rid of the bed bugs that will hatch from eggs you may have missed. My understanding is that this complicates the extermination process, so for peace of mind and effectiveness of getting rid of them it may be better to consult a professional exterminator.
        Good luck, hopefully you caught it so early and managed to get rid of them all.

      3. Fellow Traveller*

        If there are bedbugs in your luggage, the exterminator should be able to treat it. Or if you live somewhere brutally hot, you can put the luggage outside and the heat should kill them.
        But yes, most exterminators will charge a minimal fee to just inspect (sometimes with the dog, though once I a while dogs will give false alerts for treats). I think our inspection was $150.
        Treatment of our whole house was a little over $1000 (3 bedrooms, basement, living room). Some places don’t inspect, they will just treat, so make sure to call around.
        Incidentally I read somewhere that bedbugs are becoming more common because the treatments that they used to use is not considered as safe anymore, so they use weaker treatment options.
        Good luck! I hope you get it resolved soon!

    7. kit*

      People can get really …dramatic? about bed bugs because of that icky unsafe feeling, but I wanted to reassure you that one bed bug infestation doesn’t have to be a recurring nightmare. We got bed bugs a few years ago and after one visit from an exterminator and putting all the fabric from the bedroom through a hot dryer cycle, we never saw one again. Honestly we had a much more trying time with a flea infestation.

    9. Megan*

      When we got them, we were told we needed to sleep in the bed after they sprayed in order to be, basically, the cheese in the mousetrap. So you may want to move back to your room.

      1. This Sucks*

        We plan on doing so tomorrow night. We bought the ClimbUps someone mentioned, as well as the Diatomaceous earth. They’ll be arriving tomorrow (for some reason, those ClimbUps aren’t sold in the stores around here) and we’ll be putting them in place and putting the earth down. I also got my new mattress encasement and base cover (Sleep Number bed). Once all that is in place, we’re going back to the room. I’ve been checking for any more evidence that I might have missed and can’t find anything, so let’s hope all is well tomorrow night!

        Be the “cheese in the mousetrap”…yeah, that’s mentally tough, but I get why it has to be done.

  18. NYCWeasel*

    I’m trying to shift when I do my household chores from dedicating essentially a full weekend day to trying to do an hour or so every day, but I’m running into a mental block. Any suggestions?

    Back story: If I put in about 4-6 hours a week, our house looks great. The trouble is two-fold: First, that length of time feels oppressive before I get started. I often end up losing at least a full day from procrastinating, etc. (surfing the web, reading, napping). Second, since weekends are my main blocks of free time, we’re often booked up with obligations. I’ve noticed I do far less procrastinating when everything is in good shape, because it seems less daunting. But as soon as I’m away for 2-3 weekends, it feels like the house will NEVER be clean again, and I become terrible at getting motivated.

    I’m at work/commuting around 10-12 hours a day, so it’s a significant block of time, and I’m trying to get back in shape by ideally working out 5 days a week. I have a kiddo, but he’s an older teen, so he’s pretty much self sufficient. (He helps me fully with the chores every week, so that’s not an issue.) Most nights I’m home by 6:30, and I’m usually awake until 10:30 or 11, so even if I put an hour towards chores and an hour towards working out, I still have time to relax.

    On the weeknights where I have someone swinging by, I have no problem spending a small block of time cleaning things up. The problem is that as soon as I start thinking that I am going to try to do this more consistently,I feel absolutely exhausted and put upon. Logically I know this is all in my head—as soon as I get started I feel satisfied and happier. I’m just having trouble with the very first step. Any suggestions?

    1. TotesMaGoats*

      I feel you. My husband and I had a cleaning lady for several years and we got super lazy. We stopped using that service to save money and it was hard going back. We divided up the chores and can power through on a Saturday morning in a little less than 2 hours. Our son is 4.5 and his job is to clean his room, dust, clean toilets and showers/bathtub. We tried doing a little at a time but could never keep up with it. Sometimes we’ll do a little on Friday night, so Saturday goes faster. As it is, my son is usually up by 7am, so we get an early start.

      The laundry is the one thing I do want to be better about doing every day.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      There is an expression in planning budgets that goes, “Pay yourself first.” This means put money in your savings before you do anything else.

      I had been thinking about that and realized I could do that with my own labor. I could some mindless tasks before I go to work and “work for myself first”. This just makes so much sense to me. Why would I work my tail off for someone and then not work my tail off for me? I deserve to have my own work done.
      So far so good. It’s nice to come home and realize, “oh yeah, I cleaned X up this morning or I straightened Y out before I left.” I feel a sense of accomplishment instead of being overwhelmed.

      1. Trixie*

        I this is why I make my bed every morning. It’s done for the day and so calming to come home to.

        I pickup daily but tend to spend more time on Thursday nights so I’m enjoying weekends more. I make a night of by splurging on dinner (in some way) and crank music or movie in background for couple hours. This helps make the most of weekend starting Friday’s at 5pm.

        1. NYWeasel*

          I’ve started the daily bed making and I usually try to add in putting away clothes, etc, so that’s gotten easier to manage.

    3. WellRed*

      That seems like a lot of time to spend each week. Are you sure it’s necessary? On top of your already long days? When I procrastinate cleaning, I’ll do the old, get up and just clean for 30 minutes and see how much I get done. Sometimes it motivates me to do more.

      1. NYCWeasel*

        It takes me about 2 hours each week to clean 2 full bathrooms, and then 2 hours for dusting/vacuuming/straightening the rest of the house. Sometimes I throw in a deep cleaning project like cleaning the fridge which bumps it to 6. We moved a few years ago to a bigger house, but my chores actually take less time here than they did in the smaller place!

        I like the idea of just starting. I think that’s my biggest hurdle. I think I might need to do something like change into my cleaning clothes before I leave work. The distance from my car to my room is the most dangerous for completely losing steam!

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          If you’re spending an hour cleaning each bathroom, also try one of Don Aslett’s books.maybe having nifty new tools or techniques will make it all a little more fun. Written down how long each job takes, and try to beat your best time.

          1. NYWeasel*

            It’s an interesting suggestion—I sometimes do a light cleaning schedule (ie no dusting, quick wipe downs) which I can finish in about 2 hours, but I can’t settle for that weekly because things start to look grimy and nasty if I’m not cleaning them regularly. I’d love to come across some clear specifics to do the deeper cleaning faster.

            1. Dr. Anonymous*

              I really do recommend Don Aslett’s cleaning books, then. Back in the day I read “Is there Life After Housework?” but it looks like “500 Terrific Ideas for Cleaning Everything” is more recent. He has a Web site now that mostly sells cleaning supplies. He goes over principles of cleaning faster, letting the solution do the work, choosing appropriate products and tools (probably some more up to date stuff on the Web site), and I found it sped me up back in the day. I will freely admit that these days I clean my bathroom with my wallet, though, as I currently have more money than time.

            2. AcademiaNut*

              I tend to alternate light and deep clean. So one week the bathroom gets a basic clean (sink, toilet, rinse the floor), the next week I also scrub down the shower and clean the floor more thoroughly and wash the mildew off of the shampoo bottles. A deep clean takes about 20 minutes, but I can basically just spray the room down to rinse. If you staggered deep clean an quick clean for different areas of the house, or did things like the fridge on quick clean weekends, it could cut down the amount of time on one day.

              The other thing I like to do is to do the tidying on Friday evening (or Thursday if I’m out somewhere on Friday). So a quick swing through the apartment to put away books, empty garbage bins, collect stray mugs, get the laundry basket ready to go. Then on Saturday it’s a matter of only doing the cleaning parts.

        2. Indie*

          – It’s mentally easier to clean a clean-ish house: Use the fly lady tips of the daily cleaning your sink first thing, making your bed as you get up and using a spare mesh sponge + cheap shower gel to once over the shower tiles while you’re in there. This should make after-work cleaning in these areas look less daunting.
          – If six hours is your current record, break it. Set a timer and try to get it done in less time (which is probably what happens when you’re expecting company). It’s a good workout to be on the clock.
          -Set your TV to switch itself off at a set time and your stereo to come on with lively active ‘time to clean’ music. Have an easy overall/tabard/outsized tee/apron in a handy place to just throw on and get started quickly in your work clothes.
          – Save time elsewhere. Have a meal going in the slow cooker/in the pizza guys delivery bag for the day you do the big tidy up, while you set yourself up a tidy and relaxing restaurant-style space.
          – Bribe yourself. X time cleaning = X time on guilty pleasure.
          – Cleaning loves company. Have a cleaning buddy (repay the favour at their place or rope in your son) in one room while you do another. Try to beat each other’s time. Loser treats to takeout.

        3. LCL*

          Just two people live in the house? Both grown and well past potty training? And two bathrooms? Surely that is a once a month chore, not once a week.

      2. foolofgrace*

        I have to trick myself sometimes. If there’s a sink load of dishes (no dishwasher), I tell myself I just have to wash SOME of them. Once I get started I generally do them all (but not always).

    4. Koala dreams*

      Try music or an audio book. Podcasts are also great. If you need to move around, you can get wirless earphones with great phones. When I find something interesting to listen too, I do a few minutes extra just because I want to know what happens next.

      Also, try smaller steps. I prefer the 5 minute method, but some people prefer the pomodoro method. Tell yourself that you’ll try cleaning for five minutes (set a timer) and if it feels too exhausting you’ll quit after those 5 minutes. If it feels good after five minutes, great, keep cleaning. If it feels exhausting, quit for today and make another try with 5 minutes tomorrow. You’ll be amazed what a difference 5 minutes of cleaning a day can make, and hopefully you’ll learn that your fears of being exhausted are just that, fears. Not reality.

      In my case, I’m not good with cleaning so often I just quit after 5 minutes. It’s still worth it, though. Every 5 minutes adds up.

      Can you and your family clean together? It’s more fun to do things together, and you can have music and maybe celebrate by hanging out or drinking tea together afterwards.

      1. CTT*

        Seconding the smaller steps! If I have trouble getting started, I’ll queue up two songs I really like and say “I will do as much cleaning as I can during these songs.” Sometimes I’ll do more, sometimes I’ll stop once the song does, depending on my mood and how much there is to do. It sounds like you want to do more than 5-10 minutes, but I would imagine you could adjust it accordingly with a podcast or similar.

        I also have reminders in my phone for one chore a day (Monday is swiffering, Tuesday is the kitchen, etc.) which helps keep me to a schedule while also keeping things from getting overwhelming.

    5. Sandra Dee*

      Check out the FlyLady website, they also have an app. Basically, the theory is to break things down into 15 min tasks during the week, therefore you are not spending your entire weekend cleaning. And it provides validation that it doesn’t have to be perfect, but doing something is better than nothing. She also breaks down areas of the home into zones, and each week has a zone focus, so that by the end of the month, you will have done some more detailed cleaning in the zone areas, and have cleaned your entire house. I do not follow it religiously, but it does give me motivation to do what I can, when I can, and forgive myself when it doesn’t all get done.

      1. Annie Moose*

        Unfuck Your Habitat (UFYH) is in a similar vein. The core of the UFYH method is 20/10s: you work in 20 minute blocks with 10 minute breaks, and do two or three of these sets a day. The UFYH app doesn’t specify when you “have” to work on stuff, but does give daily, weekly, monthly, and seasonal to-do checklists that I find really helpful.

        (link in reply)

        2. NYWeasel*

          I think the 10 min breaks would likely throw me off again—they’d become 20 minute…30 minute…oh forget it I’m done breaks. But I will check out how they bucket stuff!

      2. NYWeasel*

        I remember looking at FlyLady a while back and feeling like it was too much, but I will check it out again. I feel like I need deadlines or something to get moving.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I hear ya on the deadline thing. That’s how I am. Unless I have company coming, like not just my best friend, I just can’t get myself to do it. But when company is coming? It’s an all-out, multi-day cleaning spectacular (I have many cats and a large house, and don’t tend to do ANY deep cleaning until I really have to, which is for, like, holidays…). It’s absolutely exhausting and time-consuming, but my house feels so clean and sparkley when we’re done. I always tell myself we’re going to keep up with it and we just don’t. We’ll keep up on vacuuming, dishes and cat waste/puke removal, but dusting and stuff like that falls by the wayside.

        2. Persimmons*

          I looked at FlyLady years ago and her mantra is shining your sink. My sink is porcelain, not stainless. It doesn’t “shine”. I got annoyed with her right off the bat for not even getting that right, so I switched to UFYH. My cleaning feels are not rational.

          1. LJay*

            I just couldn’t get into all the lingo she used on her site. And all the damn emails. And the extremely over-the-top reaction she had to someone emailing her and telling her her website was too cluttered was my last straw.

            I switched to UFYH and haven’t looked back.

    6. Amy Farrah Fowler*

      I hated this as a kid, but my mom would do “10 minutes a room” You set a timer for 10 minutes and accomplish as much as you can in that time frame. It’s great because usually if you get started, it’s easier to continue, but even doing that 10 minutes makes a big difference so when you do get to the weekend, there’s less to do. As an adult, I use it now rather frequently because it gets me up and started. Even if after the 10 minutes, I stop, at least I did *something*.

      1. NYWeasel*

        Yeah, I really think it’s the getting started part that is the problem, not the cleaning itself.

      2. A bit of a saga*

        Yes! I do this too. My kid is super motivated to see if we can ‘beat the clock’ and I am, too. Maybe a bit silly but it works for us

    7. Reba*

      Ok, I see “we” and “our home”…. where are the other household members in this?!

      Totally feel you on the overwhelming mess vicious cycle.

      1. NYWeasel*

        My husband does all the cooking, yard work and laundry, I clean the interiors, and my son helps both of us out. No one is slacking!

      1. NYWeasel*

        Nope, it’s a shared burden across all the family members except the critters. They are lazy as all get out!

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Here’s what I would do in your position: first, take a day off from work to deep clean. If it’s possible, don’t do it on a designated holiday. As in, leave Labor Day as it is, take off another day. Make a checklist and do a deep clean. Just give yourself time to get into all the nooks and crannies, plus breaks. I usually put on podcasts or listen to Netflix through my phone and get cracking. The last time I did this (too long ago– I prefer to handle things when my partner leaves town for the weekend, because while he’s very helpful, this is MY thing and he gets in my dang way), I listened to the entire BBC Pride & Prejudice miniseries and just scrubbed away.

      From there, with this very clean house, figure out a couple of chores that you want done every day. For example, every night after dinner, the kitchen gets tackled: dishes done, counters and tables wiped down, floor swept (this is easier if you have a very lightweight vacuum or an electric broom). This should take you 20 minutes max, and frankly, give this task to your son.

      Then designate a room/area/thing that you will do on each night of the week. For example, bathroom 1 on Monday, bathroom 2 on Tuesday, vacuuming on Wednesday, dusting on Thursday. Spend 40 minutes MAX on this. Set a timer if you have to. Identify the pieces that are most important to you. For me, in the bathroom it’s the counters and the toilets, which I can clean really well in about 20 minutes. The shower floor, I only do every month or so. That kind of thing. You can dust the living room one week, the bedrooms the next. Unless you live in a construction zone, this will be enough to keep things looking fairly dust-free.

      The other thing I would recommend is to allow certain things to slide. I clean the bathrooms every other week; it’s just two of us, we’re pretty neat, and things really don’t get gross in two weeks. I clean the kitchen regularly enough and clean up after myself enough that it doesn’t really need a deep clean on a weekly basis. I don’t deep clean the fridge that often because I wipe it down every week before I put groceries in it (we also don’t spill much, I guess that’s a lucky thing).

      I use cleaning as my podcast time or my thinking time. I also consider it exercise! :) But I have also learned that I do not have to hold myself to my grandmother’s no-lint-anywhere-ever standard, and if it goes for a day, it’s ok.

      1. NYWeasel*

        First of all, props for the P&P suggestion!

        I struggle with keeping a balanced approach. If I’m going to take time to clean, I want the house to be clean, but I’m also good letting things slide. Like, TOO good, lol. And then it becomes harder to get started the next time!

    10. LilySparrow*

      There’s a fun YouTube channel called Clutterbug about cleaning & organizing strategies. She has a couple about her “dirty thirty”, speed cleaning, and a very funny parody of other “deep cleaning” videos.

    11. Kimberlee, Ranavain*

      So, this is my advice, in part because I did it recently and now it’s my hammer where all problems are nails, but I recommend a robot vacuum if one would work in your space! I got one because I realized that, while I had been considering for *years* getting a housekeeper, to the point of doing trial runs with various services, a robot vacuum would cost the same as like 2 or 3 sessions with a housekeeper. So we got one, and it’s great! There are problems, like it gets stuck under the couch sometimes, and we have a shag rug in the living room that it’s surprisingly good with even tho robot vacuums don’t like plush carpeting at all, but overall it’s really nice. They’re advertised to not replace regular vacuuming totally, but in my case, we vacuum far less than we probably should anyway, so it’s not a time saver so much as it is ensuring our place is cleaner/less dusty in general. But in your case, depending on specifics, you could probably drop to doing a full vacuum once every two weeks, or even once a month, which would save you time in your regular cleaning!

      A bonus for us: we have been keeping things generally more tidy, because you can’t have stuff all over the floor when there’s a robot vacuum! So it’s been a nice push for us to be tidier in general, which is great.

      1. LJay*

        Yes! Ours has helped with both of these as well!

        Our dog sheds a ton and the Roomba is great for keeping the hair under control. And we can’t leave stuff on the ground or the Roomba will either eat it or it will get stuck and not clean.

    13. Amey*

      Have you looked at TOMM (The Organised Mum Method but the mum bit isn’t important – it’s the role of the blog it’s linked to.) The idea is that you do 15 minutes basic daily jobs (one loaf of laundry, make your bed, clean the toilet and then one other thing in the bathroom that you rotate each day, very quick tidy of main living space), then 30 minutes in an assigned room that stays the same each week (e.g. Monday = living room, Tuesday = bedrooms, Wednesday = hall and stairs etc). You do 30 minutes, as much as you can, then stop. If you don’t manage to get something done, it’s okay because you’re back focusing on that room in a week. Then on a Friday you have a rotating Friday Focus where you spend your 30 minutes on deep cleaning jobs for one of those room. The idea is that you don’t have to spend your weekends cleaning and while I do still clean on the weekends, I’ve found this method really helpful – I’ve tried many of the suggestions above and none of them stuck for me. There’s an active Facebook group as well.

    14. Owler*

      I am a cleaning procrastinator. My husband has suggested that since I know I don’t really start until later Saturday, why not just embrace it and do something fun before cleaning? I’m not sure my Midwestern upbringing will let me do fun before chores, but it’s worth considering.

      Also +1 to the suggestions for podcasts whole cleaning, and a starting timer of 5 or 15minutes. I’m even teaching my kid the 15min rule of just starting and being with stopping after a set time.

  19. Just eat the damn avocado*

    I remember a time people only posted photos of food if it was exciting or exceptionally well-presented or from a famous place etc. These days it’s like people just /have/ to share everything they’re eating. Unless it’s a food-tracking blog (I think some people use these for accountability when they’re trying to lose weight or eat healthy etc.) it gets real dull real quick. Not all avocados are worth photographing.

    (Yeah yeah I can just scroll past, and that was fine when it was just a few here and there, but seriously, it’s getting out of hand.)

    3. UtOh!*

      Have you heard of mukbangs? They are like a train wreck with food, horrifying yet you can’t pull your eyes away. I’ll let you figure out what it is!

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah. The rule is that twitter, pintrest and instagram are for the food pics. Food pics only go on facebook if it’s an interesting tourist-destination or some other kind of otherwise-noteworthy event.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I had this exact same thought this week as I watched a woman take a photo of a plum and then a peach she was about to eat. Neither looked like exceptional specimens or anything but – can’t you just put food in your mouth?

    6. Windchime*

      I have a cousin who posts a picture of her dinner every night. These aren’t fancy dinners; I’ve seen pics of a boiled hotdog and some coleslaw.

  20. Loopy*

    Okay, I’ve debated on posting about this but I think its worth a second post from me this weekend: hair health.

    I feel like my naturally curly hair is getting thinner/less voluminous. So instead of blowing my bank account on products to pump it up, I kind of just wanted to see if there anyway to first ensure it’s as healthy as possible. After my initial Googling, I stopped using a towel to dry (currently using t-shirts), I only wear it pulled back for work outs or my volunteering (have to), I rinse in cold water, and I use sulfate free products.

    Beyond that I got overwhelmed by where to go next. Vitamins? hair masks? Anyone especially well versed in having super healthy, strong hair? I know it may not help my actual issue, but I feel like it’s an important place to start.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I will follow this thread! I have baby fine, wavy hair – a real bad combo, it’s both fragile and frizzy at turns.

      I have heard that Biotin supplements help as well as using a non-cotton pillowcase (silk or satin so it doesn’t “grab” your hair).

      Also, I just read in a magazine (interview with a dermatologist) that the active ingredients in dandruff shampoos are antioxidants that improve both scalp and hair health – so I have been using Head and Shoulders Classic Clean shampoo and conditioner. I don’t have dandruff but my hair seems to look better. If there were sulfate free dandruff shampoos, I would be very interested in that.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ve read that too! But I’ve also read so much about sulfates being bad that I’m hesitant to try a brand with sulfates. It just seems like there are way too many options!

      2. Julia*

        Fine and wavy hair means I have hair dressers telling me off for “not taking care” of my hair all the time. Ugh.

        In my case, my thyroid is a bit of an issue, so if your hair falls or breaks more easily, get that checked out. I’d be careful with biotin as it can break some people out.

        Putting on an old-fashioned night cap to bed so the hair doesn’t rub and spread has been helpful, but I can’t stand it during the summer.

    2. Washi*

      Following! I also have curly hair and don’t take care of it like I should. What shampoo do you use? Everyone raves about devacurl but I just can’t get over how expensive it is

      1. Anonymosity*

        It’s INSANE how expensive it is. I gave the trial sizes at Ulta a go (even those are expensive!) and I loooove the scent. But although my backyard is big, it does not contain a money tree.

      2. Loopy*

        I don’t have a shampoo I love yet, sadly. I’m trying out some coconut curl stuff I picked up because I love the scent and it doesn’t have sulfates. But I’m not sure it’s doing anything yet. And yeah,I can’t afford devacurl stuff either!!!

    3. HarvestKaleSlaw*

      Did you try a “no poo” haircare regimen? I started using one a year ago (the Deva Curl one, but there are others), and after the first three gross weeks of lank, weird hair, it has done wonders.

      1. Thinningandfrizzy*

        Same situation/problem. I started using deva products and a microfiber towel a year ago, and I can’t really say I’ve seen any difference.

      2. Loopy*

        I’ve decreased my shampooing to three days a week (not in a row) but I’m way too nervous to try a “no poo” option! I’ve heard mixed reviews on them.

      3. Gala*

        For those that are nervous going completely without shampoo, I’ve been alternating a “no-poo” shampoo and a normal one, and it works pretty well (wash twice a week, once with normal shampoo and once with the no-sulfate one)

    4. Minta*

      Sounds like the internal approach might be the next thing to try, i.e., diet and a vitamin (start simple, with just a multi that contains biotin and/or whatever your research suggests would be best for you overall). You’re already sulfate-free and not using terry cloth. Are you shampooing less often and minimizing heat styling? Those are 2 other external, no-cost things you can do.

      1. Loopy*

        Yeah I’m thinking along the same lines. I don’t do any heat styling, so that’s good. I’m wondering if there a specific super vitamin that’s really good for hair.

    6. Glomarization, Esq.*

      A few things come to mind:

      1. Where are you on your journey toward the change of life and/or your hair going gray? The incoming gray and white hair may have a different texture and less volume than before.

      2. How is your stress level? I’m recently out of a very, very stressful period in my life and, like magic, the amount of hair I’m losing in the shower every morning has decreased.

      3. How is your nutrition? Dr. Google has many suggestions on what foods your hair likes best.

      4. Does your care regimen include wearing a scarf/cap while you sleep, skipping shampoo entirely, using a leave-in moisturizer like shea butter? These have been helpful for me, anyway.

      1. Loopy*

        1. Not going gray yet!

        2.I was stressed maybe three weeks ago and earlier but it’s been steadily going down lately!

        3. I know I’ve been eating healthier in general (so many fruits and veggies!) but didn’t know there are hair specific foods! Will look into that!

        4. I use a leave in conditioner every day- the brand is shea moisture. Never heard of the cap while you sleep though I’d heard of the silk pillow! Thanks!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I massage my scalp when I shampoo. I also try to brush my hair upside down (head aimed to the floor).
      I quit all hair care products and use organic body wash on my hair. I did find a spray organic oil for hair that I use on humid days to keep it from being unruly. I also use it in the dead of winter.
      Hydration and good foods do show in my hair. I find that I need to use a little healthy oil with some meals, too. I am not wowed by my hair, might be some bias there because I do get compliments. I stay with this routine because my hair is predictable, I don’t have any surprise bad hair days.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ve never considered a oil spray for my hair! I don’t hydrate nearly enough so that’s something to improve on, thanks!

    8. LilySparrow*

      How is your health overall? Any minor symptoms or “off” feelings that could be creeping up on you?

      Fatigue, lethargy, brain fog, always cold or hot, heart palpitations, unexplained weight gain or loss, very dry skin, brittle nails, stuff you might consider an annoyance instead of a medical issue by itself?

      Is it only the hair on your head? How are your eyebrows? Any thinning at the outside edges, or do they seem to be getting shorter?

      I ask because there are several common hormone or autoimmune issues that can affect your hair, and sometimes the other symptoms can be subtle or easily explained away by other factors. Most of them are not dangerous and very easily treatable, but if you see a pattern it could be good to mention it to your doctor and get a full workup. The earlier you catch them, the better off you are.

      1. Loopy*

        Fortunately, nothing else is off, I’m exercising and eating well and feeling good. I looked up how much hair shedding is normal I think I’m within range of what to expect in general. I just don’t know why I feel my hair has less oomph than when I was younger!

    9. Shrunken Hippo*

      Hair can be a great sign of health so I’d suggest looking at changes in your lifestyle that happened around the time you noticed your hair wasn’t doing so well. Was there extra stress? A dramatic change? Any change in diet? The best thing you can do for your hair is to make sure you eat well and exercise, which doesn’t sound that helpful, but it’s the way our bodies operate the best. I found my hair was starting to look a bot gross around the same time I was starting to feel really fatigued all the time. Turns out I am anemic and once I switched up my diet a bit and started taking supplements my hair got better again.

      1. Loopy*

        So for about a month I’ve actually been exercising 4 times a week, eating much better and I guess the hair change isn’t a drastic sudden change, but more of a huh- change like when I look at a picture of 22 year old loops with this massive head of curls, and today loopy, it’s not that my hair looks bad or concerning on it’s own, it’s just so much less BIG than it used to be.

        It may not be as big of a problem as I’m making it sound, I’m just missing giant mass of curls!

    10. WS*

      If your hair is thinning a lot, get a thyroid check next time you’re at the doctor. Even a very slight case of hypothyroid can have noticeable effects on your hair.

      Vitamins that can help: vitamin E, zinc and silica. These are all usually pretty cheap.

    11. Grits McGee*

      This is what’s worked for me:
      1. Length- biotin or B complex vitamins. Before I started taking biotin, the farthest down my hair would grow is about an inch past my shoulders. My hair is currently down to my hips (yay mermaid hair!). If you have issues with nails breaking or peeling, b complex will help with that as well.

      2. Volume- my hair started noticeably thinning at the temples, and the only thing that’s helped so far is Nioxin Night Rescue. (About $20 for 3 months worth on Amazon.) My hair isn’t thicker than it was before it started thinning, but it is back to normal.

      Hope this helps!

    12. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve been using the Loreal Elvive line of shampoo etc and it seems to help. It’s a drugstore brand so not expensive.

    13. Persimmons*

      My issues were solved partially with thyroid meds and partially with Viviscal supplements. It will take at least 3-4 months to notice a difference with either of them.

      Unfortunately, some of it is just aging.

  21. Anon for this*

    I got a text from an unknown number to “check [partner’s name]’s phone. Ask him why he’s contacting other women.”

    My partner and I have never had any interest in checking each other’s phones. I don’t have any reason to doubt him. But this is such a strange text I can’t help wonder.

    Do I ignore? Surreptitiously check his texts?

    1. After Houts*

      Talk to him? Do not snoop! If you genuinely believe there’s nothing to worry about, ignoring it might work, but if there is the chance that it would fester in your mind and end up hurting your relationship I wouldn’t go that route.

      Show him the message, ask him what’s up, and see what he says. Then you can decide.

      1. Anon for this*

        A small paranoid part of me wonders, if he is cheating then me talking to him about it will let him erase whatever incriminating evidence there is.

        I want to ignore it but it’s just such a strange message to receive.

        1. After Houts*

          If you don’t trust him, your relationship is going to struggle no matter what you do. And it sounds like you don’t trust him completely, if you think there is a chance he is cheating. So ignoring it is just going mean you keep wondering, doubting, looking st every little thing to see if it could be evidence of his cheating, and never being sure.

          But if you snoop, he can’t trust you either.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            If you don’t trust him, your relationship is going to struggle no matter what you do.

            This. If I received this text, I think I would show it to my husband as a heads up that someone with both our cell numbers is sending me weird anonymous texts to try and cause trouble.

            This is why anonymous messages are such a bad idea. There is no context to indicate this is a someone whose judgment you trust. No context for what the contacting other women thing is. For example, this morning my husband has talked to our daughter (re challenge A) and his sister (re unrelated challenge B) and one of his subordinates (re unrelated challenge C). He’s totally messaging other women!!! When I’m right there in the room! Or sometimes when I’m not!

          2. Lissa*

            I don’t know if I agree with this overall! I mean, it sounds good and makes sense, but realistically I think that even couples who trust each other and never would be suspicious would at least have a small niggling “but what if” feeling getting a text like that. Considering how many stories there are out there of people who did trust their partner “100%” and then something awful came out… it’s not like having a little “but what if…” means the relationship will struggle.

            Personally I think you should talk to him and see how he reacts. If my partner showed me a text like that about me, I’d immediately show him my phone the one time just as a “see, this person is on about nothing”, but I know not all people are like that – there are lots of reactions he might have that would be normal, like a genuine WTF. But if he gets angry at you or tries to turn it around then that’s a red flag IMO.

            1. Phoenix Programmer*

              But I 100% do trust my husband and if I got this message my thought would be “some A-hole is kying to cause drama” not “Well he might be!”

            2. Traffic_Spiral*

              Yeah, if my SO went “hey, so this just came in,” I’d be like “well, that’s weird,” but I’d pull up my phone, open the messaging app, show him, scroll through a bit and be like, “so… here’s my messages… pretty sure you know everyone on there.”

              I mean, I expect to be trusted, but it’s also polite to give people good cause to trust you.

              1. Lissa*

                Yup agree! I mean for those people who say that they honestly would not have even a tiny peep of doubt/worry, more power to you, but I don’t think that having a tiny question if you could be fooling yourself means it’s a relationship problem. Some people are just like that. I can’t turn my brain off from questioning everything, no matter how much I don’t want to.

                I’m mainly saying this because I so often see the idea that any ping of jealousy/worry means the relationship isn’t solid, and I can’t agree with that personally.

                1. Washi*

                  Same. I have never worried about my husband cheating and if I got that text, I would think that most likely it was a wrong number, since I also can’t think of anyone who would send something like that. BUT I would still definitely show him the text, he’d probably pull out his phone and give me 30 seconds of reassurance, and then we’d go about our lives. I think it’s totally fine to need that on rare occasions, as long as it is rare.

                2. Observer*

                  The problem here is not a “tiny peep of worry” or a “ping of jealousy”. The OP considering taking trust busting measures – and says that it’s because they think it’s likely that their partner would use the warning to destroy incriminating evidence. Basically going from “I trust him completely” to “He’s so untrustworthy that I have to snoop on him to make sure he’s not really cheating on me.” That’s not a reasonable response when you really have a trusting relationship.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Ignore it. Whoever it is is just trying to stir up trouble. Why send a message anonymously? It’s a little cowardly.

      If you’re concerned about your relationship it should be a separate matter. If you’ve had no concerns until now, don’t let some stranger cause trouble.

      1. Photographer*

        It’s not like an anonymous letter— OP has the phone number. Why not call this mystery number and ask what’s up?

      2. Courageous cat*

        I don’t agree with this at all. Sending the message anonymously has nothing to do with it. People do shady things, and while it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true, I certainly wouldn’t write it off either.

    3. HannahS*

      Talk to him, in the context of “I got this freaky text, do you know who could have sent it?” Don’t check his phone. How would you feel if your partner did something that showed he didn’t trust you based on an anonymous text?

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      First thought: that person got the wrong number. Especially if your partner has a really common name.

      Second thought: act as if the person got the wrong number! Say to your partner, “I just got the weirdest text. What’s up with that?”

      Third thought: My partner texts other women all the time, for all kinds of reasons. I can totally imagine a scenario where one of his friends or colleagues starts dating some jackhole who decides it’s ok to text me something like that. (He has some friends who don’t have the best judgment in the world.)

      Basically, if you have absolutely no other reason to believe your relationship is on the rocks, then handle this as if it’s someone being weird. Don’t immediately jump to blaming your partner. And yes, talk to him.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is really good advice. I think you have to base your response on your existing relationship with him. If it’s good, assume it’s still good! Share this with your partner as you’d share any bizarre occurrence, and go from there.

      2. LCL*

        I got a sweet loving text message from a coworker on accident. He texted me again immediately to say that wasn’t for me, I replied back that I knew that, and we have never spoken of it again. Text programs make it really easy to send texts to an unintended recipient.

    6. Lady Jay*

      Maybe spam? I’ve been getting the occasional text (as in, two in the last month) from an unknown number, telling me somebody has complimented me online & I should click on the text to learn more!! Feels very spammy to me; perhaps your unknown number is the same?

    7. Zona the Great*

      I’m going to admit something embarrassing: I’ve fought the urge to do this to an ex live-in BF who turned out to be married the entire time. When I get to a very low point I desperately want to send a similar message to his wife. Never followed through. Just a thought. But perhaps a weaker or angrier person might have done it.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Telling a woman the truth about her husband’s infidelity (or vice-versa) is a kindness at the end of the day. No one likes being made a fool of, and that sort of thing will probably come out eventually, so better to help rip the bandaid off. However, it needs to be a specific and more-or-less provable accusation. “Ask him why he’s talking to others?” That’s way too vague to be worth anything but trouble.

        1. London Calling*

          *Telling a woman the truth about her husband’s infidelity (or vice-versa) is a kindness at the end of the day. No one likes being made a fool of, and that sort of thing will probably come out eventually, so better to help rip the bandaid off*

          A kindness? really? not only have you (generic you, not you you) detonated a landmine under someone’s life, you get to walk away dusting your hands having told someone that you knew and she didn’t – and not only does she have to cope with the knowledge that her husband/partner has made a fool of her, but now she looks an even bigger one to whoever did know. Finding out about infidelity is brutalising enough emotionally, now the betrayed partner also has to cope with that additional pain.

          It’s not for other people to decide that ‘the bandaid needs to be ripped off.’ A woman might know her partner is unfaithful, she might suspect, she might be dealing with it in her own way and not ready to confront the reality yet. I have always wondered about the motivations of people who do what you are recommending – inflicting pain on someone who has done nothing to them under the guise of ‘you ought to know,’ just to make themselves feel better while they feed off someone else’s anguish.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            It’s the cheater that detonated the landmine when they decided to bang someone else. I always wonder at the people who are like “there’d be no trouble here if you all would just participate in helping me lie – it’s not what I’m doing that’s truly harmful, it’s letting the truth get out that’ll ruin everything!”

            1.) There’s very rarely complete bliss in ignorance. Usually the person is feeling like they’re a little crazy because of course they trust their spouse, but there’s just an instinct that something’s off. Plus, you can’t cheat without a host of other lies explaining where you were and what you were up to and why those weird credit card charges exist, etc. so the betrayed spouse is constantly having to ignore their common sense and actively kill their gut instincts – that’s not bliss.

            2.) The “Affairs make me a better partner” lie is, well, a lie. If someone’s cheating, that’s time, attention and money going into that affair – away from the couple. Also, they’re at risk for STDs.

            3.) The affair will probably come out anyway, and then the betrayed partner will feel even more betrayed. That’s more of their life lost, possibly job opportunities or cross-country moves given up for the marriage that was a lie and is now over, child-bearing decisions that they would not have made had they known the truth, marital assets dissipated or hidden by the cheating spouse because they had the time to set things up first. If the betrayed spouse ends up having their life savings stolen, getting a permanent STD, giving up a career that they’ll never be quite able to regain, all because you were too much of a coward to tell them the truth, I don’t think they’ll thank you for the consideration of “well you would have been humiliated if I told you I knew.”

            4.) It’s incredibly condescending to decide that a grown adult is better off being deceived than they are knowing the truth. A person deserves the right to make informed decisions about their lives. Saying “well they probably know on some level” is crap. If they know, then telling them does no harm. If they don’t know, telling them gives them the right to take control of their life and make an informed decision.

          2. Persimmons*

            Yes, it’s a kindness to tell someone they’re at risk of catching a disease that can kill them.

          3. Been there*

            No. The cheater set the bomb, not the person who gave the info. At s minimum the cheated on partner has a right to know if their health is at risk (stds).

          4. Lehigh*

            I would 100% rather live my life knowing the truth about my closest people than being lied to. If my husband were cheating, it would be terrible. But it would be terrible partly because he was LYING TO ME. Everyone else playing along with the facade does me no favors.

            I really think I’m in the majority on this.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      My friend met a woman whose hobby was calling wives and telling them that she was having a fling with their husband.

      Did you google the number? Sometimes you can find things online.

      My thought is present a united front with this outsider until you see solid reason not to. So this means, “Hon, have you ticked anyone off lately?” And then discuss the situation.

    9. Cringing 24/7*

      I think it’s vague enough to ignore, if you and your partner have a trusting relationship. I mean, “contacting other women” sounds like something MEANT to stir up trouble because A) it presumes that being in contact with a member of the opposite sex is an untrustworthy thing and B) if this was someone who was actually IN a relationship with your partner, and they wanted you to know, you’d think they’d be apologetic or at least specific.
      My first thought is that it’s just someone who dislikes him or mistrusts him.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Talk to your husband, but do not reply to the text.

      There is a known phishing technique where spammers will do targeted or mass texts to try to get a response. It’s like those Nigerian “help me ship this gold boullion” scams.

      If your partner has a common name, they could have caught you by luck. I regularly get robocalls asking if “Paul” is home. I’m sure between the people who are really named Paul, and the people who reply saying “Paul who?” they manage to get a lot of people on the hook.

    11. Anon for this*

      I tried calling the number and they didn’t pick up. I texted back asking who is this. Then got a lengthier response with details of partner hitting on other women including while I was pregnant and just after the death of our baby. The last text said sorry but I should know because he has a reputation at work for being a loser who hits on women.

      It’s too specific for me to ignore now and I can’t bring myself to talk to my partner about it.

      1. Theodoric of York*

        Oops. Replied before I saw this. Definitely look at your finances. Don’t confront your partner. Go to the “Chump Lady” blog for more information.

        Again, this anonymous person accuses your partner of hitting on women, not having sex with them. If this turns out to be true, it’s up to you to decide if this is a deal-breaker.

        Remember, however, that your informant is not trustworthy. Since it’s work-related, maybe there are people who work around your partner that you can trust to tell you the truth.

      2. Operational Chaos*

        If they’re willing to respond back to some degree like you’re describing, tell them to prove it. I would assume they have screen caps of texts. That would go a lot further towards giving you a path to take than a nebulous whisper about his behavior.

      3. Melody Pond*

        Oh, I’m so sorry.

        I know intellectually that snooping isn’t okay… but realistically, if I were in your shoes at this point, I would probably be looking for an opportunity to glance through his phone really quick. I wouldn’t go overboard – maybe just phone and email, or phone and Facebook. Just two big places where potentially illicit communication could be happening. If you don’t find anything there, don’t obsess and keep searching more and more places. But whether you find anything or not, the next step should probably be to talk to him about it. Or at least talk to a counselor who can help you decide what to do next.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Also… thought of some additional things I wanted to add, kind of devil’s advocate to my last post.

          So far, it sounds like this anonymous person texting you is only accusing your partner of hitting on/flirting with other people. And – is that truly intolerable for you, as long as it’s not going any further than that?

          Just – monogamy is really hard to pull off perfectly (I’m assuming you are in a monogamous relationship, please correct me if I’m off). Monogamy is not an agreement that you’ll never be attracted to other people again, or that you’ll never want to have sex with someone else again – it’s an agreement that despite the fact that you likely will have desires for other people, you’ll choose not to act on them.

          If you and your partner haven’t already clearly negotiated where the bounds of your flavor of monogamy lie, this might be a good time to get clear on that. I’d suggest keeping in mind that *some* level of adventure is usually needed in a monogamous relationship – is it permissible for both of you to crush on other people from afar, but not to flirt? Or is it okay to flirt, as long as you both come home and tell each other about it in whatever way would feel safe for both of you? How do you both want each other to deal with your inevitable attraction to other people?

          Of course, this conversation should probably happen after you talk to your partner about these text messages – because that’s probably going to need to happen, sooner or later.

          1. neverjaunty*

            The devil doesn’t need more advocates. And people suffering emotional pain from the thought their partner may be cheating on them in a particularly crappy way don’t need advice about how monogamy is tough and maybe now’s the time to think outside the box.

            1. Traffic_Spiral*

              Agreed. Monogamy is not that complicated – and neither is professional behavior at work.

              1. LCL*

                Monogamy may not be complicated, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve done in my adult life. We can’t all be as good at this advice stuff as Alison. And we will never know how our posts will be taken by some reader with a similar problem to OPs.

      4. LilySparrow*

        I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a very messed-up and cruel individual. Whether or not your husband is a flirt (and surely you would know if that’s consistent with his character), what kind of sicko pushes these buttons in an anonymous text?

        If they won’t identify themselves they are trolling you. Even if it’s true or partially true, they aren’t helping you. This is a troll who is tormenting you for some twisted satisfaction of their own. That satisfaction may be some smug sense of self-righteousness, but it still has nothing to do with your well-being.

        Your best bet is probably to ask your husband if there’s anyone at work who might be unstable or have a grudge against him.

        1. Courageous cat*

          These replies are so strange to me and I can’t put my finger on it. Why are we so eager to ignore this person? Not many people text things like this to ‘stir up trouble’ or ‘troll’. Like, that’s just not something people do on a regular basis. I can only imagine most people I know texting something like this if it were true, or had some degree of truth to it.

          Take it with a grain of salt, but also don’t ignore it just because it sounds like something you don’t want to hear. That doesn’t make it less potentially true.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            It’s come up here in a work context re the anonymous note left on someone’s desk. (In one case, it turned out that the person leaving Tic Tacs thought of them as candy, and had no idea that her coworkers were wondering who was sending them a message about their bad breath.) When notes are anonymous, there is no context to how seriously one takes the issuer, and thus no framework for how seriously one should take the accusation.

            Is this someone who lives for drama, or someone reliable, prudent, and thoughtful? (Anonymous notes don’t suggest the latter qualities in their authors.) What does the author think they know? (Plenty of people interpret “being in the presence of persons of the opposite sex” as evidence of seething hormones that doubtless expel the clothes from everyone’s bodies at the first opportunity.)

            The reason to ignore anonymous notes is not that the information is something we hate to hear, but that they lack the context of feedback that we take seriously.

          2. LilySparrow*

            If you re-read my comment, you’ll see I didn’t reccommend she ignore it. I did recommend that she prioritize the person she knows and loves over an anonymous stranger goading her about **losing a baby.**

            Even if the texter is telling the truth in part or in whole, this is not a trustworthy person, not a person of good character who cares about her.

            I think she should follow up with her husband, because you can’t let something this emotionally intense fester. But I think she is better off doing it in a way that is constructive instead of destructive. It would be foolhardy to take a sledgehammer to an otherwise happy marriage on the word of an anonymous coward.

            And if their marriage is going though a hard time (as often happens after a horrible loss), and he’s flirting with others or looking for emotional intimacy elsewhere, attacking their own intimacy isn’t going to make it better.

      5. MindOverMoneyChick*

        Strong recommendation to check out the Chumplady website that deals with infidelity. One of the notable things I’ve seen over there is there are a ton of chumps (lingo for victims of infidelity) that clearly saw things were going wrong , felt uneasy etc. But other really did totally trust their spouses, and were shocked when it all came out. You can trust and be wrong. You can trust until evidence comes up that says maybe there’s room for doubt. Then the prudent thing is to check it out.

        Chumplady does advocate telling if you know someone is being cheated on for all the reasons traffic_spiral spelled out so well. Chumplady would probably advocate checking out his phone. But if you don’t want to do that and want to have a conversation with him, read over there first. That way if he gives you BS answers you will be better able to spot them.

        Also FYI my parents were once trolled in this manner, but with a written letter. My dad is one of the best people I know, his integrity shows in everything he does, but I had slight niggle doubts once they got this letter. (so did my mom, and these 2 have the most rock solid relationship of anyone I know) Because hey, sometimes we’re wrong about people. Then my parents found out about 2 other couples in their group that got similar letters. That put my mind at ease that it was trolling. So could well be trolling, but to protect yourself, check out Chumplady.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          You can trust until evidence comes up that says maybe there’s room for doubt.

          The problem with anonymous tips is that they don’t count as “evidence” of infidelity. They count as evidence that someone, somewhere, thinks they would benefit if you suspected your spouse of infidelity, but it will only pay off for them if you don’t know Anonymous is the source.

      6. Observer*

        You need to get a name.

        Also, yes, look at your finances, but unless someone is willing to actually put a name to the accusations, this could really easily be someone who your husband has ticked off and is trying to get him into trouble. The specificity does not mean it’s true, it just means that someone knows you guys.

        Also, now that you have specifics, you can start looking at what you know and see how / if it actually matches with what you know. Like, if you know any of his work mates, you might have a sense of how they actually see your husband.

        1. Nita*

          True. Presumably the details and timing are something that friends and coworkers would be aware of. And the “reputation at work” thing sounds like it’s coming from a coworker. My husband worked in a very messed-up office for a few years, and if something like that happened there I wouldn’t give the accusations a second thought. Just too many crazies in that office, and for a while we were both slightly paranoid about him sharing and personal info or bringing in family pictures – not sure what we thought would happen, but nothing good.

      7. Not a Mere Device*

        I wouldn’t assume this person is telling the truth, or that they actually work with your husband: it’s possible this is someone you know (or that you and your husband both know) outside of work, who wants to stir up trouble. It sounds like the only specifics are things that your friends would have been aware of, rather than “I saw him trying to pick up women at the Marriott Bar when he was in New York for the International Widget Conference.” The continued refusal of the other person to identify themself also suggests that–“this is Fergus from your D&D group” is checkable in a way that “this is Fergus, from accounting,” might not be, because you know who your friends are. “Fergus from D&D” would be someone you could talk to in person, or ask for his phone number if you don’t already have it.

        That doesn’t prove that the person who sent those texts is lying to you, but I think it makes them less plausible.

      8. Owler*

        I’m sorry, this sounds like an awful situation to be in. If it were me, I wouldn’t say anything to my partner until I could get my head around my options. What do you want to do if it’s true? If it’s false (but it sounds like you dont think so) or *exaggerated*, why would someone choose to text something like this?

        It sounds like the additional texts are giving you reason to suspect it’s true. Give yourself permission to take a day off, be by yourself, and really think about what YOU want YOUR future to look like. You have that power, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

      9. Lehigh*

        What if you show him the text and ask to see his phone? If he hands it over, you get to look and you’re not “snooping.” If not…well, see how the conversation goes, I guess.

        My husband and I have an open-phone, open-email policy with each other. I’m assuming you don’t have that in place, or snooping wouldn’t be a concern. But you can tell him what’s bothering you and see if he’ll give you access on the spot.

        I’m guessing you know better than I do if this is something that he would do under normal circumstances. Like, would he never hand it over on principle? Or does it seem like something he’d be willing to give you to put your mind at ease?

    12. Theodoric of York*

      The whole “if you trust him, don’t worry, and you can’t trust him, then you should break up” thing is nonsense. Even in the most solid relationships, there is room for doubt. That said, don’t snoop. You’ll most likely regret it. Also, you’ll notice that the message doesn’t actually accuse your partner of anything.

      If you have doubts, just start checking your finances. You should be doing this anyway to be a good partner.

      1. Operational Chaos*

        Having doubt isn’t the same as losing trust, that’s what most people are likely referring to.

      2. Phoenix Programmer*

        Personally I am saying if you trust him so little that your first thought is “sneak and snoop” then yeah the relationship needs to end. Many of us a chiming in to day we would talk to him about it is blowing the trust we have earned by peeping. Frankly that level of trust’s needed in a healthy relationship.

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      I admit I’ve sent texts like that before. People deserve to know if their partners are cheating on them. Speaking the truth isn’t wrong. Covering for a liar is.

      1. WS*

        One of my co-workers used to send these kind of texts and she and her group of friends thought it was hilarious. I have no idea why, it just seemed cruel to me.

    15. Observer*

      If you really have no reason to doubt him, why would you consider blowing up all trust by sneaking around to see if you can find incriminating evidence? According to you ALL you have is a single text from an unknown number. That’s a really flimsy basis on which to base taking the nuclear option in a relationship.

      1. Observer*

        I sent this before I saw your reply. Nevertheless, you still don’t really have any proof. You don’t even have something solid, just someone bringing up some really hard memories.

  22. WellRed*

    My cell phone contract has ended and I am dreading the process of a new plan. I want to keep my device and have been with Sprint since day 1. Unfortunately, being a longtime customer usually results in worse deals, but switching carriers seems like such a hassle. Also, a friend might go in on a family plan. Any advice welcome.

    1. Red Reader*

      Do you actually need to change your plan? Most of the carriers will just let you stay on the same plan and go month to month, if you’re not wanting to change plans or get a new phone.

      1. WellRed*

        That’s what I am hoping, but I can’t look on their website. It keeps telling me to call. Grrr.

    2. Thursday Next*

      Doesn’t your plan just go to month-to-month at the end of the contract, at your current rate?

      Or is it that you’re looking to get a new phone, which locks you into a new contract?

      1. WellRed*

        They’ve actullay started charging me more, which I assumed was a late fee, but the next bill us higher. I can’t access bill online to see what, exactly, they ate charging for, plus the phone should be paid for, so that should come iff the bill.

        1. Observer*

          Go into a store and tell them to straighten this out or you’re going to another carrier. The idea that you can’t access a detailed bill on line is garbage – I don’t think ANY other carrier does this, even the low cost MVNOs.

          Switching plans is actually quite easy. Your only problem may wind up being your phone, which may not work on the other networks. However, depending on the phone you have / need, it still might be cheaper to buy a new phone and switch networks.

          Some useful links in the reply.

          1. Observer*

            List of Sprint based MVNO’s

            https://www.whistleout.com/CellPhones/Guides/sprint-mvnos

            Cell phone comparison plans
            https://www.whistleout.com/CellPhones

            NerdWallet plan comparison
            https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/utilities/cell-phone-plans/

            Wirefly plan comparison. This one is more like WhistleOut in that it lets you enter your parameters and gives you plans.
            https://www.wirefly.com/content/phone-plans

            They also do phones.
            https://www.wirefly.com/ecommerce/phones

            So does WhistleOut.
            https://www.whistleout.com/CellPhones/Phones/Finder

            The bottom line is that if you are willing to put in a bit of time, you can fine a good alternative that you can switch to if Sprint won’t help you. When you are dealing in person, decent salespeople know when you are ready to walk and they’ll do their best to clear up issues. And if they can’t be bothered, you don’t have to be stuck over-paying.

    3. HeatherB*

      We switched to T-Mobile and I seriously love them! It wasn’t as much of an event as I thought and we ended up saving almost $100/month (we’re on a family plan). Plus you get unlimited data and text – even while traveling out of the country. The store we went to had a lot of young workers but they were super knowledgeable. We even got a $300 gift card (one of those credit cards you can use anywhere) for switching. Totally worth spending an hour to change carriers – just make sure you have your passwords for your old carrier handy.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I’ve had t-mobile from the beginning and wouldn’t consider switching. Right now, I pay $80/month for unlimited text and data. My parents are on a super old grandfathered plan- originally 700-minutes a month and no text, but t-mobile consolidated plans, and now they have unlimited text and data plus 4gb of high-speed data a month and unlimited slower speeds after that (zero overage charges) for $45/month for the first line + $10/ month for up to four additional lines.

        Coverage is prolly not as good as Verizon, but the only places I’ve had trouble was driving through middle-of-nowhere Wisconsin. They give you like 20 mb of piggybacking off another carriers data though, so I was fine for a few hours even then. Oh and target. Reception is spotty in all targets but no other stores for some reason ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        I don’t even have WiFi in my house – I live alone and can use my phone, tablet, and stream Netflix on my tv all off my phone’s hotspot with no overages or lag.

        Their customer service is the real reason I stay though. Every t-mobile store I’ve been in, every employee I talked to. I bought a new phone from them, got off my family plan, changed my number, had them help me out with “dummy” questions, figuring out settings on my phone. They are always gracious, and eager help, ask questions to figure out the root of the problem, and never talk down to me (my dad pulls out his old acer slidey-keyboard phone every time he sees t-mobile people just because they’re always genuinely impressed and think it’s pretty cool that he still has it). They are fantastic.

        1. AnonymousCelebrity*

          Agree 100%. I switched from Verizon to T-Mobile and I’m so glad I did. Great customer service, good coverage (I must admit I don’t travel to rural areas, so I’ve never encountered a problem), great prices. Their store employees know their stuff. Last time I went in there to replace a phone (five years old!), they didn’t try to up-sell me, which I really appreciated. Porting the number over was a breeze. I recommend them to everyone I know who’s not happy with their current carrier.

        2. Persimmons*

          I had T-Mobile and the coverage in my area is absolute crap. I live on the outskirts of a city with about 750k people and commute to a similarly-sized city nearby. Not a single bar of coverage to be found in my home, car, or workplace.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you want to stay with Sprint, you should seriously look at their retention deals. It’s best to talk to a retention specialist right off – slickdeals.net and fatwallet.com used to have good specific posts about what to say.

      I used to have Sprint because of the awesome deals (thx Slickdeals!) but then I got tired of the poor signal quality and bad reception despite living in metrowest Boston. If you have Comcast as your home cable, their deals are decent and use the Verizon network. That’s what I switched to.

    5. Fulana del Tal*

      I had Sprint for years but like you my rate kept going up. I finally changed when I went on vacation and had almost zero coverage but my sister with T-mobile had full bars. I switched to t-mobile. It was easy, you can keep your device and number. You just need to account password/pin. I pay $90 for two phones/unlimited everything but with sprint I was paying over $90 just for me.

    6. Kimberlee, Ranavain*

      I highly recommend Ting! It uses Sprint’s network so you can probably use your current device (they have a checker on their website you can use to verify). They don’t have plans; they just charge you based on what you use each month, and the more minutes/texts/data you use, the smaller the per-unit cost is on each. So there’s no hassle trying to figure out how many minutes you tend to use, no overpaying if you didn’t use as much data or whatever this month as you usually do, no trying to predict how your usage might change. It’s just all straightforward and cheap! We used to pay around $150 a month for 3 lines on AT&T, and now we’re around $65 a month, and we pretty freely use data and whatnot. It’s wonderful not to have to worry about any of it! And there are no contracts. Can’t recommend it enough.

      1. Alex*

        Second Ting! Especially if you are already using the Sprint network, because that is one of the networks from which they buy their service. So it is basically the same, except a lot cheaper.

        My bill is usually $20. MAYBE $23 if I used a lot of stuff that month.

        Before signing up, ask your friends if they use Ting, because there are referral bonuses.

    7. Aurora Leigh*

      I really like Cricket! It uses AT&T’s network. I have unlimited minutes, unlimited texts, and 1gb high speed data (throttles down if I go over, so so overage fee) for $30/month. $35\month will get you 5gb data, but I am mostly on WiFi, so I’m happy with my plan.

    8. Phoenix Programmer*

      Cricket! It’s cheaper by far and works well everywhere I have travelled. Actually we noticed that our service was better than Verizon/Sprint when we went to NC for the 4th. Everyone else was slowed down by overcorwding I guess. We switched from Verizon and are never going back. 2 phones unlimited talk/text/data $80 per month.

  23. Red Reader*

    Crafty types – what are you working on these days?

    I just last night finished knitting an Imagine When wrap for a friend who’s household is expecting, and this morning whipped out a pair of matching baby socks from the leftover yarn. Probably going to dig out some other leftovers and do a couple more pairs – baby is due in about three weeks, and my husband will be up visiting them next weekend so I can send them with him. I have a couple other projects on needles, but of course I’m pondering what I can start next :) I like to have a fresh project for vacation, and we’re leaving for our first anniversary vacation two weeks from today. I might do another Imagine When for me; I really like the pattern and it’s both complicated enough to not be boring and simple enough to need minimal notes.

    1. Jen*

      I am crocheting a frilly silly pink blanket for my future niece. I should be done this weekend and then I will make something more practical for her.

    3. NeverNicky*

      I’ve just finished a cross stitch piece (Acorn by Bent Creek). I’ve cast on a blanket for my cousin’s expected baby and today more yarn for a knitted bunny for him arrived (vacuum packed flat, which was cool). My mindless project is some crochet bunting … I’m trying to keep to one project at a time per craft!

    4. CatCat*

      I make soap. I decided to do an experiment this week in making my own melt and pour base from scratch. There are basically 3 ways to make soap: cold process, hot process, and melt and pour. Cold process and hot process are done totally from scratch while melt and pour usually uses a commercial pre-made soap base that you melt down and pour into molds, but you can make the base from scratch instead of a commercial product. All these methods have pros and cons. I usually do hot process and so I did that in order to make my own melt and pour soap base. It totally worked except that the bottoms of the soaps seeped a good amount of oil and/or glycerin or both (EXCEPT for the one that I added salt to). I think I could maybe stop this from happening by reducing the amount of glycerin I used to make the base. I rinsed them off and they were fine. The lather very nicely and I like them, but they “sweat,” which is to say they attract water because of the high amount of glycerine in them (this is typical of melt and pour soap). It was a fun experiment and maybe I’ll try again in the future!

    5. wingmaster*

      Got a lot of cool patches. Just need to find the right denim jacket at the thrift store to sew them on!

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Does *thinking* about working on a cross stitch kit I started more than 10 years ago count?? I can’t seem to get myself to pull it out again. Probably because of my dang back problems. I just can’t sit for that long anymore.

    7. Clumsy Ninja*

      I have a simple cross stitch project going – that’s my “fast” project, except that I almost never work on it, so….but it’ll get finished fast when the kiddo music lessons start up again.

      I have a perpetual crocheted afghan project going – that’s the mindless and easily portable project (done in pieces, then crocheted together).

      I have a graphed afghan (crochet) going that got too big to be portable and too hot to work on until later fall.

      I have a small graphed afghan (crochet) going that is part of a crochet-along with a particular designer. That one is my main current project and is on a deadline….

    8. OhGee*

      I just finished the binding for a baby quilt, and I’m giving it to the baby in question tomorrow for her 1st birthday (it was meant to be a gift when she was born, but I got sidelined last year). I’m also knitting a quilt for my sister for Christmas, sewing a dress I want to wear to a wedding in a few weeks, and planning a quilt for some friends who just got married. Hopefully I’ll stay on schedule with these three so I can move on to other projects!

    9. Jemima Bond*

      Getting ahead on making some tasteful Christmas bunting for a friend (the fabric range is Winterfold by Dashwood Fabrics if anyone is into that sort of thing). Also cutting pieces for a quilt that will be a wedding present on NYE – hexagons with triangles in between, the hexies being various purpley prints/patterns/batiks and the triangles being black/coloured batiks.

    10. Anonymosity*

      I DESPERATELY need to go through my craft and sewing stuff to see what I can bear to part with. If I have to move, I really don’t want to haul it all with me and/or end up putting it in storage. And I also want to incorporate some craft time each week so I can actually finish something, LOL. Preferably a doll’s house or two. I think once it’s all said and done, that this is the craft that will survive the purge, because I haven’t begun to explore all I want to do with it.

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      I am doing a cross-stitch with flowers etc that says “I like big books and I cannot lie”. I’m trying to decide if I want to put it in my classroom.

    12. HannahS*

      I’m knitting a Harvest cardigan. Its made out of yarn I bought for a failed Andi Satturlund project (Salal). Her patterns are charming and widely acclaimed but, to me, weirdly written and unintuitive. I’m mad I spent time and money on it in the first place so I figured a nice, easy, free pattern would make me feel better. It’s working, I’m happy to report.

    13. Windchime*

      I go through phases where all I want to do is knit. I recently ended one of those phases and am now re-obsessed with quilting. I’ve been making little flannel blankets for the local Childrens’ hospital and have made some little quilt tops out of scraps. A few days ago, I dug out a sampler quilt kit that I bought over 10 years ago (?!?) and I’ve been having a blast stitching up all the different blocks. So for now, the blue linen sweater I’ve been knitting has been set aside in favor of the quilt block piecing.

    14. Aphrodite*

      Last Sunday a HomeGoods store opened in our town. I have seen this chain talked about on Apartment Therapy but when I read about this store opening I thought I might drive out just to look around. I had no intention of going anywhere near it on opening day. Yesterday, however, after a grocery run and a hair appointment I decided to drop out there.

      The store is medium-large (though dinky by comparison to its next door neighbor, Home Depot) and bright and clean and it proved to be interesting for an occasional visit. They had a lot of Halloween and autumn stuff out and while I picked up and put back a dozen or so items I only ended up with three things, one of which is a small sculpture of two haunted houses, kind of made of plywood and glued onto a plywood base, rectangle in shape. It’s all a kind of bland neutral color but I spent some time thinking about it before putting it in my cart.

      What I decided to do is to paint it and make it much more realistic. The trees will be a shiny black, the broken fence imperfectly weathered white, the ghost white, the bats matte black, the gravestones gray with RIP painted on them. The houses will be painted too but I am not sure what colors. Then I will create some sort of walkway to the front doors, and brush white glue on the ground before sprinkling it with dirt and tiny stones all around. I may even glue some old dried and now dead flora around to make it eerier. Finally, I plan to glue some of these putka pods ( https://www.etsy.com/transaction/1455462655 ) around. These things are tiny and will work perfectly. I may even cut a couple tiny section of cheesecloth, stain them with tea, and tear, then drape them over the gravestones. Fun project!

    15. Environmental Compliance*

      I just finished a dragon for my sister, working on a set of fingerless gloves for her as well to go with a hat I finished, a knit quilt is somewhere on the needles in there too, and I have a lace scarf for my aunt on the needles. I also will be knitting my best friend’s wedding shawl whenever the yarn gets in. It’ll be peacock themed and goooorgeous!

      I also have a sweater half completed and the toes of a pair of socks done somewhere. Probably should stop casting on projects….

    16. Nita*

      Finishing up my first quilt! I’m hoping to have it done in a couple of weeks, which is perfect because I want to give it to one of the kids this fall. (I knit a blanket for the other one. That was so much faster.) It’s definitely a learning experience, especially since I’m working by hand with just the basic supplies. Things keep not going as planned, but sometimes in a good way, and I think I’ll try this again sometime.

  24. Environmental Compliance*

    We’re buying our first home!!

    Right now we’re working with a realtor (recommended to me by someone from work). Our budget is $100-$200k. Very doable for our area, especially since we don’t want a huge house (no kids, no kids planned for, would like entertaining space & a nice lot). We’ve found homes around $130k that we really like.

    Our realtor has told us that we should go for more of an investment than the $135k home (that I’ve fallen in love with), which has great space, a really nice lot, the homes by it are all $100-$250k, and it’s perfect for both of our commutes. He instead sent us a $897k home that is hideous and nothing of what we’re looking for.

    Thoughts on the realtor, & thoughts on setting up a showing separately from him for the house we really like?

    2. Red Reader*

      Oh, gad, if he’s that thoroughly ignoring what you want and your price range – because, ok, I could see sending you something 10-20k above if it hit all your needs and wants and was just amazing and perfect, but to more than QUADRUPLE your max is just absurd even if it was perfect – ditch the realtor posthaste.

    3. WellRed*

      Not only a new realtor but if he works for someone, give them a heads up. That’s outrageous.

    4. SpellingBee*

      Find another realtor. He’s pushing something that’s over 4 times your maximum budget! A GOOD realtor will work with you within your budget to find what YOU want. If you’ve signed a contract with him (becoming more common these days even with a buyer’s agent), just stick to your guns and tell him what you want to see. If he won’t show it to you, complain to his broker.

      Congratulations, by the way, on buying your first house! It’s an exciting step.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        No contract! I did email him back about a day and a half ago right after he sent it to us to ask if he meant to send us that house, and he finally responded back a few minutes ago to say he had not meant to send us that house listing…and followed it up by homes well within our range. So maybe it was an error, maybe he was feeling it out…I dunno. But it was really odd timing on his end. And the area isn’t exactly known for nearly million dollar homes.

        We’re so excited!!

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, that’s so out there that it probably was an accident. 250k and it might have been him pushing, but people with 100-200k budgets definitely can’t afford 800k.

          1. Environmental Compliance*

            Well, the worst part of the timing is that we had approval from our bank to get up to $900k. He had just reviewed that letter earlier that day after we viewed a house, and then we got sent the almost $900k home. We just don’t feel the need to have that much space or spend all of our salaries on a home for 30 years.

        2. LilySparrow*

          Oh, I didn’t see this before I replied. That’s better.

          But if he’s disorganized and slow to respond, that’s still not great. Keep an eye on him.

        3. King Friday XIII*

          I mean, it’s SO out of sync it may well have been an error, but taking DAYS to reply to your email is not great either. Aside from this one listing email, what do you think of the realtor? General like/dislike? I suspect you’d be more understanding if you liked him, which may be enough reason to move on.

          1. Environmental Compliance*

            He’s….okay, I guess? I kinda get the feeling that he just doesn’t know what to do with us. We’re pretty clear on what we like/don’t like/are willing to work with versus not, and he oscillates between sending us stuff that needs way too much work and stuff that is pretty much brand new construction (neither of which we want to deal with). We did our own research before settling on a budget, and we’re willing to listen to new ideas/suggestions, but there’s no reason we can’t get what we want for within our (very wide) budget.

            He’s not rude, he’s a nice guy, but there’s just something about him that I can’t quite put my finger on. The first house we looked at was cute enough, but the kitchen was awful and the house felt claustrophobic and dark. It was also really close to a creek and very flat, so we checked it on our insurance, and the house was deemed to be high risk of floods. Realtor told us he had “documentation” that it wasn’t, so we should really consider the home. Well, we don’t like the house, and the insurance will deem it a flood risk, and I never got to see that documentation. Something just feels weird to me.

            1. Environmental Compliance*

              Plus, he had managed to send the absurd home to me 3 times, in 3 separate emails, which just felt really weird to me. His initial response was “well, I don’t know what I sent you”, which…..what?

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      That is ridiculous. My father sold residential real estate for almost 30 years and I’m pretty sure this behavior is just outrageous. Ask him to explain himself or just dump him.

      1. SpellingBee*

        Agreed – also would be curious if this house he’s pushing is one of his own listings. You can look it up on Zillow to find out who the listing agent or office is, and also how long it’s been on the market.

    8. msroboto*

      Yeah that’s crazy. I would expect most realtors to try to show you something perhaps a little above your range. Perhaps up to 225K. You might be able to make an offer that would get accepted for a bit above your budget. Almost 900K umm NOOO.

      Time for a new realtor.

    9. Merci Dee*

      If you’ve fallen in love with the $135k house, do what you need to do to see it.

      Also… ditch your realtor. As mentioned above, it’s one thing to go $10k or so over your budget, but going from your $200k budget to $900k is beyond insane. Unless maybe he’d meant that one listing for someone else and sent it to you by mistake?

    11. fposte*

      Holy hell. I live in an area that sounds like yours, and if a realtor showed me an $800k house, I’d put a foot in his butt.

      If you haven’t signed anything, move to another realtor, in another brokerage entirely.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Maybe he got confused and thought they were trying to buy a two-car garage in California.

        1. fposte*

          Seriously. I mean, the whole freaking point of living in BFE is not to have to spend a country’s GDP on my GD house.

    12. LilySparrow*

      That is one seriously terrible realtor. Yes, go around him!

      If you have a contract with him and are required to have him negotiate the deal, then go see the house on your own and inform him if you want to make an offer. If not, just fire him.

      I can see pushing someone to stretch their budget a little, but quadruple your top end?

      Are you sure he meant to send that listing to you instead of another client? That’s flaming ridiculous.

    13. Kuododi*

      Your realtor is a twerp and is trying to sweet talk y’all into a bigger sale to bump up the commission. (Actually I am thinking about other names however I will refrain from using that particular vocabulary.). My parents had to explain to my sister when she applied for a home loan to buy a condo after her divorce. She qualified for 100-150 K and was panicking bc she didn’t know how she would budget the payments for a loan that big. Mom and Dad explained to her that just bc she qualified for a huge loan didn’t mean she had to actually borrow a huge amount of money. Long story short….little sister calmed down, opted to borrow something around 45-50K and bought a lovely one br condo which was perfect for her needs as a newly.divorced person parenting a rescue dog. Good luck!!!

    14. ..Kat..*

      Every single time my husband and I have bought a house, the realtors pushed us to buy more bedrooms and square footage than we said we wanted. The realtors said we needed more rooms and square footage because it would resell better and increase in value better. Once we put our foot down and said we wanted what we said we wanted, we were buying a house to live in (not to resell), and we would switch realtors if they insisted on showing us what we did not want, they became good realtors and showed us what we wanted. I think many just are in the mindset to upsell (which gets them a bigger commission).

      2. Environmental Compliance*

        Yeah, this guy keeps pushing “but better investment!” at us, which, okay, whatever, but we don’t want 4 bedrooms. We don’t need 3,000 sq ft. We want a small house with decent land. It’s just us, we don’t want kids, and we want to travel and do other things than pay a mortgage. I don’t care what we have the potential to afford, we want to be able to support ourselves off one salary. Not that we expect something to happen, but it’s more logical to get what we need, not the biggest thing we see. Plus more bedrooms and bathrooms mean more house to clean, and I hate cleaning houses. And we’d have to heat it.

    15. Lemonworld*

      Adding my two cents – sounds like you need a new realtor. Don’t let ANYONE pressure you to buy outside your budget, even if they say that your salaries can support a bigger “investment”.
      In 2002, we were pressured by a mortgage broker, who said that we could afford so much more house than our $275,000 budget (big spendy urban area but our budget covered plenty of nice houses in decent areas). He kept saying that we could afford $400,000-$450,000. But we knew what we wanted – although we could afford a house that expensive, we would be working exclusively to have the house. We wanted to have hobbies and travel and have a life outside of the house. He even tried selling us adjustable rate mortgages and told us not to worry, we’d be able to refinance at the end of the term.
      We found a lovely $272,000 house AND a completely different mortgage broker who didn’t hassle us. In late 2002, I lost my job, and we were still able to afford our mortgage, just like we’d planned. If we’d had the more expensive house, I don’t know what we’d’ve done.
      When the economy collapsed and the mortgage crisis was revealed, I wasn’t at all surprised.

  25. Monty's Mom*

    Need book recommendations, please! I’ve just finished “Uprooted” by Naomi Novik, which was recommended here at some point, and I really enjoyed that, although I don’t typically love fantasy/science fiction. I have very much enjoyed the Robert Crais series with Elvis Cole and Joe Pike, and I also have loved Sara Donati’s “Into the Wilderness” series. I love a good series, since I can make them last awhile, but good stand-alones are great too. Headed to the library later this morning, so hoping to be armed with a list when I go!

    1. Overeducated*

      Have you read N.K. Jemisin’s trilogy that just won its 3rd consecutive Hugo award? It is in the fantasy/sci fi genre but I think it’s a particularly well done series, so depends what you’re in the mood for.

      3. Hera Syndulla*

        Oh, yes. The Broken Earth Trilogy is wonderful! 3 Hugo’s in a row is well deserved!

        Last I heard, they are going to make a television series out of it. I hope they do her books justice.

    2. Jen*

      I haven’t read it get, but my friend said novik’s new book, Spinning Silver, was good. I found Uprooted to be similar in style.to the Robin McKinley books I read as a teenager (Spindle’s End, the Blue Sword) so if you liked that you might like those.

      I will always recommend The Magicians by Lev Grossman. The writing style is what makes the book for me. Quentin is a very flawed and so very identifiable main character.

      To toss a totally random one out: Slaughterhouse Five. If you haven’t read it, it is weird and deeply moving and brilliant. The Dresden firebombing scene alone makes the book worth reading.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I enjoyed Uprooted too! It was nice to have a standalone fantasy book.

      Since you love a good series, if you haven’t already, I recommend checking out the Amelia Peabody mysteries by Elizabeth Peters – they’re silly but good fun.

      The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell – it has an edge of fantasy to it but not so much that it’s overwhelming.

      The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt – oh my god, this book was so good I couldn’t read another one for a while after it as I was still marinating.

      Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi – it’s sort of a collection of short stories about the different paths the families of two sisters took. Very, very interesting.

      Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt – nonfiction and so readable. I’ve never whipped through a nonfiction book like I did this one.

      The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair by Joel Dicker – it’s just been adapted into a TV series with Patrick Dempsey.

        1. Jerry Vandesic*

          If you liked the Bone Clocks, read Mitchell’s Slade House. Not a sequel, but it does take place in the same universe. It’s a quick and fun read.

    4. alex*

      The Tana French books (“Dublin Murder Squad” is the title and it’s up to 6 books, I believe– a series but can be read stand-alone) are good detective-thrillers! And try Margaret Atwood’s 3-book series that starts with “Oryx and Crake” if you can get down with some insightful, post-apocalyptic bleakness. Also I recommend Gillian Flynn’s books and everything by Jenny Lawson, the Bloggess; those are stand-alones, also containing some darker themes (though Jenny Lawson is laughing in the dark). I need some new reading for Fall so will be checking this thread! Maybe I should look into something lighter but still by a clever lady…. :)

    5. Monty's Mom*

      Thanks, all! I’m hoping for even more responses, but the library opens in 5 minutes, so I’m headed out! These should be a good start!

      1. Villanelle*

        I just finished “The Lido”and “An American Marriage” – both very different but great.

    7. Book Lover*

      Well, her Spinning Silver is extraordinary. I would highly recommend. I am still thinking about it and will reread this week I think.

    8. neverjaunty*

      Also recommend the Rivers of London series by Ben Aaronovitch, starting with Midnight Riot.

    9. Celestina Warbeck*

      I liked Uprooted, I just finished Spinning Silver by the same author and I think I liked it even more. Another book I enjoyed this year was The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert, it’s a dark fantasy but also set partially in “the real world”.

      1. MonkeySeeMonkeyDo*

        Funny, I don’t remember leaving this comment :P

        (I’m seconding Spinning Silver and the Hazel Wood. Those two, Uprooted, and T. Kingfisher’s duology of the Clockwork Boys/The Wonder Engine are hands down my favorite reads so far this year.)

    10. ..Kat..*

      Dennis Lehane books. Some are a series – recommend reading those in order.

      Also, Lisa Gardner, Lisa Scottoline, Karen Slaughter, Elizabeth George . Alafair Burke. Linwood Barclay.nevada Barr. Jan Burke. Linda Castillo. Micheal Connolly.

      All mysteries. Most have series and non-series books.

      1. LCL*

        …be warned that Lehane can be really, really bleak. Like, now that I’ve finished the book I may as well kill myself bleak. He’s a fantastic writer, though.

        1. Monty's Mom*

          Oh yeah, I’ve read most of Lehane, and he IS bleak! I think I’ll re-read him at some point, but I’m trying to stay lighter currently as I’ve got enough problems in real life! Reading is my escape, so I need it to be happier right now. When my real life is going well, I can get into the darker stuff.

      2. Monty's Mom*

        Thanks, ..Kat..! I’ve read most of these authors but there are a couple on your list that are new to me!

    11. Aurélia*

      Does anyone else like Craig Johnson’s Walt Longmire mysteries? First one is “The Cold Dish”. I really wish that the TV show was more like the books!

      Also, Carl Hiaasen! His books are kinda-sorta serialized, but more so he has recurring characters. Always satisfying reads, I just re-read “Skinny Dip” and just smile while reading it. The only thing is that he fictionalizes a lot of the abuses of the diminishing Florida wilderness, and for how bad it is in his novels, one can only imagine how horrible it is IRL.

  26. Anon and spotted*

    Over past seversl years, I have developed pink skin patches on torso. They seem to be increasing. I am pretty sure it’s vitiglio. So far, no issues until this week when I noticed small, faint patch on my Face! I don’t want it to get worse, I don’t want more spots. Googling didn’t reveal much help. Help?!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      You need to see a dermatologist. Being pretty sure it’s vitiligo doesn’t mean that it is; skin patches could be anything from that to eczema to fungus. You need a diagnosis and treatment, which I’m afraid you’re not going to get here (or on Google).

      1. jolene*

        Eczema almost certainly if it’s pink, and you may have to go through multiple dermatologists to find something that works, so start ASAP. Meanwhile, moisturise well. It won’t cure it but it won’t hurt.

        1. Spotted and anon*

          Hmm, I thought eczema was scaly or bumpy and itchy? Whatever this is, I hope it gets diagnosed quickly.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Definitely see your GP and possibly a dermatologist if they refer you.

      My husband has vitiligo. It’s autoimmune, so it’s more a systemic thing than a dermatology thing.

      Anything autoimmune is often accompanied by inflammation, so we try to eat healthy and take supplements like turmeric and fish oil to keep him from having joint & muscle aches or other inflammation problems.

      But our doctors have told him that there are no serious long-term health risks, and not much to be done for treatment other than healthy-lifestyle management and making sure to protect the spots from the sun.

      The aggressive treatments available for autoimmune issues come with a lot of risks and side effects, so they’re usually only used for very painful, debilitating, or life-threatening conditions.

      But as others said, don’t assume – get it checked!

      If it is vitiligo, I know that can be distressing. But the “not painful, dangerous, or contagious” part is good news. I hope everything works out well for you.

      1. Spotted and anon*

        Thanks. I have two autoimmune disorders which also is why I suspect vitiglio. I am calling the doc Monday.

        1. Persimmons*

          My husband has autoimmune problems and also has psoriasis that was initially misdiagnosed as eczema. I cannot stress enough to NOT do UV therapy if it is recommended to you. It works great…but only as long as you do it. My husband went for several years and was cleared up nicely–then had to miss two appointments and within a week his skin was a wreck again. Worst of all, the UV light really accelerated his aging. He is now easily mistaken for 10+ years older than he is.

  27. Overeducated*

    Cooking thread! What are your favorite ways to eat late summer produce? Looking for inspiration – I’m making extra shopping trips and paying a premium at the farmer’s market lately, these perfect tomatoes etc. won’t be around much longer!

    2. Monty's Mom*

      We like to grill summer squash, either right on the grill or in a grill pan, depending on preference. Just marinate in Italian dressing for a bit and you’re good to go. And another good use for tomatoes is BATs – bacon, avocado, and tomato sandwiches.

      1. Overeducated*

        We did BLTs this week – delicious! I am the only A fan in my house, but i did have avocado and tomato toast for one of my lunches.

        Maybe I need a grill pan. I feel like I’m underappreciating squash this year but i can’t think of that many preparations. Grilled squash with chermoula or tzatziki sounds good.

    3. char*

      Probably my favorite way to have tomatoes is what my stepmom does: she slices them, sprinkles them with balsamic vinegar and (I think) olive oil, puts fresh basil on top, and grills them. Absolutely delicious.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I love stuffing 8-ball squash with tomato sauce and eggs. I got a recipe on The Kitchn. It’s a major staple for us in the summer. I make a lot of salads with just tomatoes, raw corn, red onions, lime juice, etc. And tomato sandwiches, and even tomato pie. With other veggies, don’t forget you can freeze things like corn (on or off the cob; I prefer to cut it off and freeze the raw kernels) or butter beans.

      I love it when the summer stuff comes in, but after a while it’s a drain on my inspiration and my budget. I shop at the farmer’s market year-round for my veggies, and with the peaches and tomatoes and muscadine grapes, my wallet takes such a hit!

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Fresh salsa with garden tomatoes. I also grow jalapenos so I throw those in, too. I grew cilantro, but it didn’t grow back after cutting some for salsa. Not quite sure what happened there.

      I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with all my jalapenos and I’ve decided to try making pineapple jalapeno jelly, which I’ll probably do later or tomorrow. I made poppers with goat cheese last year, but I want something that will last awhile. Plus I won’t have to spend big bucks on a jar at a specialty shop. :)

      1. Overeducated*

        Ooh, earlier this summer i made a pineapple jalapeno salsa from Cook’s Illustrated that i liked so much i made 4 batches. I recommend it! Salsa is awesome, I don’t mind it as much with supermarket winter tomatoes though.

    8. Bluebell*

      Gazpacho and zucchini “noodles ” with a fresh tomato and basil sauce. I’m also making refrigerator pickles with the cucumbers in our weekly produce delivery.

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I’ve been making a lot of vegetable fritters lately – easy way to use up beets, zucchini, carrots, etc – pretty much anything laying around the house. Requires a food processor, though, to shred the veg, but if I make them with a spicy dipping sauce they are great for lunches for the week.

      I also like making “stacks” with them – lay down one fritter, throw a bunch of cut up tomatoes on top, maybe a layer of spinach, and then drizzle some sort of dressing or oil/vinegar bit on top.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I know this sounds weird, but when I was little my grandfather would eat tomatoes in a bowl of milk or cream with sugar sprinkled on them, as if they were strawberries or something like that.

    11. Cat Herder*

      Tomato jam: you can can it or freeze it for longer keeping

      Ratatouille

      Gazpacho

      Roast or grill veggies, toss w pesto and pasta. Leftovers of this = pasta salad.

    12. WS*

      I like to halve and roast tomatoes then freeze them to make stews/pasta sauce/soup in winter when I will really appreciate the taste. Just cut a whole lot of tomatoes in half (or quarters if they’re really big), put them cut-side up on an oven tray, sprinkle with salt and pepper, drizzle with olive oil, bake until they’re dark brown in places and collapsed but not yet burned. You can also put herbs on the tray under the tomatoes but I don’t usually since I don’t know exactly what I will be making with each batch.

    13. Jersey's mom*

      Eggplant sliced about 1/2 to 1 inch thick, sprayed with Pam (or very lightly brushed with olive oil) and grilled on both sides for a minute on a charcoal grill. Drizzle some balsamic vinegar on slices, sprinkle with feta cheese.

  28. Koala dreams*

    It’s august and the days are getting shorter. What do you do to keep your heart happy in autumn? I was in a very bad mood last year from October to December, and only started to recover in January, and I really, really don’t want a repeat. How can I prepare myself mentally for the upcoming autumn and winter?

    1. WellRed*

      Tough one. Autumn actually makes.my heart happy. Cozying up at home with a book, making chilis and soup, fall colors, crisp air. Do you have seasonal affective disorder? Maybe one of those lights would help.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Making soup I could get into. I love soups, and it’s cheaper to make them myself (and I can put in extra carrots, my favourite).

    2. Anonerson*

      I’ve been in the same boat lately. I don’t want summer to end! I love autumn, but I dread the winter and that tends to overshadow my enjoyment of fall. I’ve been ramping up my exercise a bit and trying to establish a workout routine that I can carry into the colder months, since I tend to hibernate through the winter and that probably doesn’t help my mood. I’m also planning on switching out my light bulbs for daylight-style ones to mimic natural light. If it’s specifically the shorter days that bother you, this might help! Also, if you drink tea or coffee, you could look at the colder weather as an excuse to find new blends of hot drinks to try.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Hibernate, yes that’s a good word for it. This summer has been so long, it’s been great, but now it seems to be ending. I’m also planning on exercising, I’ve been swimming in the summer, I can keep doing that indoors when it gets cold outside.

    3. Reba*

      You could get into hygge! Slightly joking but also serious. Coziness as a way of reframing the winter months as a nice retreat, not a depressing trap. Are there rituals you could get into that would ease the transition or help you enjoy the changes?

    4. Penguin*

      I’m so glad you asked this! Now it’ll stay in my head and I can remember what I suggested and follow it myself. :)

      I find light makes a big difference and that I need to make a real effort to get direct sunlight every. Failing that, I put “warm” light bulbs in the room(s) I spend the most time in after dark; a pure white doesn’t help me, but bulbs that give a slightly yellowish light do.

      Bright colors (if you like them) may also help; posters, wall hangings, a colorful quilt draped over a couch… these can all “brighten” a mood, and remind that even if it’s bleak outside it doesn’t have to be bleak inside.

      Making a conscious choice to increase warmth and other (positive) tactile things can also help; if you like fuzzy blankets, put aside some time to snuggle up in one; if chocolate makes you happy, choose to have a bit regularly; if friendly human contact boosts you, reach out to friends to [insert chosen activity here].

      Be self-caring; maybe start thinking about the things that reliably help you to feel better (foods, scents, sounds, sensations, etc.) and write them down somewhere, so that you can pick things from that list to do when you need a self-boost.

    5. London Calling*

      I prep. Not in the real prepper sense (I have a largeish supermarket five minutes walk away) but I make food for the freezer, make sure I have cans in the cupboard so that if the weather is bad or I’m unwell or I just don’t fancy going out I have the makings for meals, and I also make fruit liqueurs. I read somewhere that stocking up and preserving is an atavistic response to the changing of the season to ensure that the family has enough to eat. I sort out my reading for the coming months, and I also get obsessed with buying cosy throws and making sure my flat will be warm.

      I love autumn. I can feel the difference in the mornings and after the very hot weather we had earlier in the month in the UK the change is more than welcome.

    6. Dr. Anonymous*

      Light therapy (A small, cheap LED therapy light from Amazon in my case) every morning starting in August and going through February. The winter blues come early for me.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Mines is not made anymore, but the Varilux Happylight portable looks similar. The brighter, the better. It sits on my desk and shines in my face my first 30 minutes at work in the morning. It is not magic, but it certainly helps me.

    7. Prof_Murph*

      I highly recommend a light box and incorporating it into your morning routine. It’s made a huge difference in my seasonal affective disorder. I’m not a morning person at all, and using the light box has made it so much easier to get up. Basically, I set the alarm for 30 mins before usual. When it goes off, I simply get up from the bed and move to the couch, switch on the lightbox, and read for 30 mins. After that, I feel ready to get up and face the day. My sleep is also a lot more regular. Wirecutter has some good recommendations for light boxes.

  29. Anon for now*

    Happy weekend! posting under a different name because, well, read on…
    So I got a call a couple days ago from Child Protective Services. Someone filed a neglect complaint regarding our oldest child (6.5 years old) and they needed to schedule a home visit to investigate. I was in so much shock that I didn’t really ask questions, and just scheduled the home visit. What I can tell is my daughter said something during summer camp. This may or may not be related to her cutting her hand while trying to make breakfast (I was in the other room tending to our baby and she, as she often does, got her own breakfast. Only this time, instead of toast, she wanted a bagel and cut her hand trying to slice the bagel. Not deeply, just enough to need a bandaid) I do also remember there was one time when she came home from camp and said, “This lady was asking me questions about how you guys punish me.” I thought it weird at the time, but didn’t follow up. Anyhow, I have very little information except that they are coming on Monday. I was too addled to even get the person’s name or a case number. My daughter, who was with me when I got the phone call, is now freaked out that we’ll be separated and she says she can’t remember what happened.
    So part of me is like, we’re good parents, albeit a little free range. This should be fine- we’ll clear everything up quickly. Another part of me is wonders if I should be more concerned that CPS will be looking for reasons to write us up. Like we just moved, our house really isn’t baby proofed, but we don’t have guns or a pool or anything that requires extra protective measures. My husband is really freaked out (he basically wants to bubble wrap both kids this weekend so no one gets any cuts or bumps or bruises. And he wants to cut his hair so he looks nice for the visit.) I don’t want to be paranoid, and I’m in general very unapologetic about my parenting style. But should I be more careful?
    I know agencies vary indifferent regions, but does anyone have any experience with this? What should I do to be prepared for this visit, or should I just go about business as usual? Also- do I confront the camp for calling CPS? On the one hand it’s annoying, but on the other hand, they are just doing their job, and I appreciate that because it’s really a wonderful camp.
    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    1. WellRed*

      Be extra careful around this visit. This sickens me. A woman had someone report her for letting her 8 year old walk the dog around the block and ahe could see her practically the whole time. Meanwhile, in Maine, two young girls murdered by their parents and guardians, despite multiple reports to authorities.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        Yeah, I’m chiming in here to say, lawyer up. Don’t trust that it will work out ok; too easy to get an investigator with a massive chip.

    3. TotesMaGoats*

      Check out the resources from Lenore Skenazy at letgrow(dot)org. She’s the defacto leader of the free range “movement”. I know this is scary. Make sure you know your rights and the laws of your state as well.

      1. Lemon Danish*

        Sorry, that sounded a bit abrupt!

        Basically it’s their job to report concerns, and they can’t pick and choose whether to do that. Confronting them is kind of pointless.

        You’ll be fine. Try not to worry.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Right. And confronting them is just going to come across as a parent who has good reasons to be worried about CPS.

        2. Washi*

          I agree. As mandated reporters, they are legally required to make a report if they learn of anything concerning. Sometimes people think “you should make sure it’s true before you say anything” but it’s really the job of CPS to check if something is true – camp staff are not trained to make those judgment calls.

          Also, if your daughter is 6.5 she may have made a joke or said something meaning to be silly about knives or punishment or whatever, that she doesn’t even remember, but that gave rise to the concern, and it may be just an awful misunderstanding

    5. Thursday Next*

      I wouldn’t call the camp to complain—they’re mandated reporters, and this is what they’re required to do, report (not assess). While your situation isn’t going to result in a CPS case, other reports would, and those kids need mandated reporters who aren’t dissuaded from reporting.

      My MIL got a visit from CPS when my husband, then 10, went to the ER for a head injury he got by somersaulting into a dresser. It’s just what they’re required to do.

    6. matcha123*

      Most likely nothing will happen. They will see that she cut herself, that it was an accident and be on their way.
      I also think you need to talk to your daughter about safety and that if she needs to use a knife, she has to be supervised by an adult.

    7. WW*

      I would recommend doing the critical babyproofing you still need to do, make sure there is plenty of food in the house and honestly I don’t think its going to hurt anything for your husband to get a haircut, especially if it will make him feel better and more in control of the situation.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      We’re good parents, albeit a little free range. This should be fine.

      It should. Truly. Just remind yourself that CPS CANNOT choose to just ignore the report–just like the fire department has to check it out if someone thought they smelled smoke. Various police calls for people “acting suspiciously” have to be checked out, even when this means the officer has a very respectful discussion with the state rep going door to door for constituent visits. I am sure my stomach would be knotted around my esophagus in your shoes, but that’s my lizard brain in action.

      A friend had a third baby when the oldest were in upper elementary, and one thing they worked on was “you must now slice and cream cheese your own bagels, because I am not going to have extra hands even if you really, really like the way I spread cream cheese, and you are 11.”

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      First, deep breath. CPS has way too many kids in actual danger to try to take away kids who have a good home life. They are required to followup on every report however.

      Make sure that you have 2 weeks of food on hand in the house.
      Do your best to clean up the house. Bit of dust is ok. toys are ok. Filth everywhere is not.
      You just moved? Ok. you may still have boxes, but make sure it’s reasonably tidy. You need clear paths, make sure dangerous stuff (knives, meds, etc) is appropriately secured.
      Tell your husband to put his nervous energy towards unpacking and putting stuff away neatly. If nothing else, he’ll get a lot done.
      Massively changing your behavior is just going to freak out your kids, which is bad. Bubble wrapping the kids will only result in them melting down. If husband wants to cut his hair, it’s his hair. Just as long as it’s clean and well kempt, it’ll be fine for CPS.

      Re the camp – they did what they thought was right. If their philosophy is so much in opposition to yours, it may not be a good choice in the future. But that’s something that you deal with later.

      1. Kj*

        CPS isn’t mandated to follow up on every report. Something in this report did trigger the need for a follow up. It wasn’t major, as they would be coming out same day if they thought the kids were in imminate danger. But I’ve made dozens of CPS reports that haven’t been followed up on.

      2. Observer*

        CPS has way too many kids in actual danger to try to take away kids who have a good home life.

        You are massively underplaying the potential problem. Even if they don’t take the kids away, they can make life a misery. And, unfortunately, for some reason it doesn’t always seem to be the kids in real danger who get the most focus. To take one high profile case – the single mother who let her 9YO daughter play in a nearby park with a cell phone after school because she has a job that doesn’t pay enough to cover childcare. She got arrested and the kid got put into foster care. She lost her job… She did eventually get the kid back, but really? This child was in no danger, but that didn’t seem to make a difference.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          which is why I also gave her advice on what to do to prepare. Is telling her that CPS absolutely is going to take her kids away going to do any good?

          1. Observer*

            No one was telling her that. But the line I quoted seriously understates the potential for problems even for good parents.

    10. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Worst children’s books? I recently read “The Old Man and the Bear” from a pile of donated kid’s books. The old man dies. The bear dies. The little bird that can’t sing dies too. No, wait, “an angel carried them off to the stars.”

      Any doozies?

    11. Call me St. Vincent*

      I am so so sorry. Get a lawyer now like today who is familiar with family law and talk to them before the visit. I don’t want to freak you out but you should take this very seriously. I’m a lawyer with extensive experience advising institutions reporting to CPS in my state and there is sometimes not a lot of rhyme or reason to who gets substantiated. (The appeals process is there but it’s a long frustrating process.) So much depends on the investigator assigned and their threshold. The one thing I wouldn’t be is cavalier about this process. Anyone can find something when they’re looking for something to find. Try to be as calm as you can but try not to act like you think it’s ridiculous (even though it sounds like it absolutely is) and get counsel ASAP.

      None of the above should be construed as legal advice.

    12. Cringing 24/7*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I think that something that might be helpful is to make a list of all of your questions that you wished you’d asked (excluding where they heard this report from, because they can’t tell you that) and call back the number that called you. If it’s not a number that receives calls, then google the number for CPS and find someone who can help answer your questions.
      Contacting a lawyer would, I believe, also be a move that would bring you a feeling of security. If your or your husband’s employers have EAP, that might be the best place to start.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Don’t confront them, they are maybe a little overzealous but better that than the opposite extreme.

      My kids used to get bruised a lot, and I once joked with their pediatrician about should I expect a call from CPS. He laughed and said, “No. Leading-edge bruises just tells me they are playing instead of staring at screens. Good for you!”

      Don’t panic and I wouldn’t lawyer up at this point. Make sure the house is clean, the fridge and pantry are full, and everything meets fire code in terms of unobstructed exit paths.

      You have nothing to hide and you haven’t done anything wrong. The social worker got into their job because they care about kids. They are hoping your kids are fine. If you can frame it for your daughter that everybody just cares about her and wants to make sure she’s okay – like the fireman analogy – hopefully that can help her be less nervous. Certainly, being worried it embarrassed is normal, but acting defensive or adversarial is going to be a red flag.

      I’m speaking from a state that strongly emphasizes family solidarity/unification, chooses classes and remediation plans as a first-line intervention, and temporary kin care as a second-line intervention.

      They have an overflowing caseload of children who are suffering terribly, and in many situations they can’t intervene as an average person would want to, because the thresholds are so strict on what they can act on. They have zero incentive to create cases out of nothing.

      We have a neighbor who was in a custody fight with his ex-wife. She was an active heroin addict, including shooting up while she had the child at home. He couldn’t even get the state to make him the custodial parent and require supervised visitation. They had shared custody.

      Until the day the child’s half-brothers doused him in lighter fluid and set him on fire. He spent five months in the hospital and barely survived. That’s what it took for the state to remove her custodial rights.

      I have friends who are social workers in another state who regularly find children in houses of horrors, who were hidden from the neighbors and never seen in public.

      You’re going to be the easy break that social worker needs to get through their day. They get a lot of overzealous or spiteful false reports. It’s good news when the reports are wrong.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I agree with a lot of what you say above, especially not being defensive. That’s awesome advice! I think your response is measured and reasonable! Unfortunately, your experience in your state with CPS is not the case everywhere, especially for parents of color. In my professional life, I’ve seen a lot of cases where parents (especially of color) get on the radar of CPS and the investigator finds SOMETHING they don’t like and that’s it and it could be something that we all do as parents that no one would ever care about or something we all do once in a while in a pinch even though we know we shouldn’t or whatever it is. As a parent of two, it makes me incredibly nervous because of the minor things I’ve seen people do that somehow get them trapped in the vicious cycle of child protection services. It’s very hard to generalize these things, and again, I think you are giving awesome advice, but I do think it does a disservice to say that the OP shouldn’t “lawyer up” or that case workers have zero incentive to create cases out of nothing. In my professional experience with these matters, it’s really unfortunate but CPS tends to be wildly under and over inclusive in who they bring cases against. They miss really really despicable abuse cases where children die, yet find time to make cases against young mothers of color or others where any reasonable person would say that it isn’t abuse or neglect. That’s in two states that I’ve practiced in, but hopefully your experience will be the same as the OPs! I really do hope I’m wrong, but I do think that talking with a lawyer prior to the visit will be highly beneficial to the OP. I don’t think they should have a lawyer there with them during the visit or get aggressive at ALL, so I totally agree with you on that. I just wouldn’t want the OP to feel like it’s going to be totally nothing, because as much as I hope that will be, it could not be.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Sure, if talking with a lawyer gives OP peace of mind about the local situation, that’s great. But I don’t think going into the situation assuming they are being persecuted is beneficial.

          Yes, racism is a problem everywhere. But the social workers I’ve dealt with, including in making reports that were and were not acted on, the majority are reasonable, very busy people who aren’t looking for more paperwork and unpaid overtime, just for kicks.

          For example, the local family with unsecured loaded handguns, a toddler, an elementary student with no winter coat, and a primary caregiver with an uncontrolled seizure disorder did get a home visit and temporary kin care placement with a local aunt. They got sorted out and returned home a month or so later. I’m sure it was very upsetting and a huge hassle for the parents, but it seems pretty reasonable to me. We had a story in the paper this morning about a couple who had a toddler placed with a local relative because she was malnourished, and now they are in court fighting the placement of their baby who is losing a dangerous amount of weight and was covered in open sores. The parents’ lawyer is insisting both children are fine, but apparently their doctors say otherwise. (They’re white, fwiw).

          Obviously my perspective comes from my circumstances and experience in my local environment, as does yours.

          1. Thursday Next*

            If only those parents had put the kind of time they’re spending on challenging state custody into caring for their child in the first place. That poor baby.

    14. Not Really a Waitress*

      Sadly i have been investigated twice. My daughter was a cutter and her step mothers idea of helping is to call CPS on me.

      Be polite direct honest. Tell your children the same. Dont over clean house but make sure there is food and be prepared to show the kids bedrooms.

      When its all over, request in writing a copy of the report.

    15. Kj*

      I’m a mandated reporter due to my job. Please keep in mind that some things trigger reports if they are said, even if I am 99.9% sure the kid’s home situation is fine. But the “mandated” part is important- I have no choice but to report certain things. So this could have been triggered by a joke a kid made or some other silly thing.

      For the CPS visit- you don’t have to clean obsessively. I would make sure the house is child-proofed and semi-neat. But CPS is looking for neglect, not lack of perfection. I WOULD NOT lawyer up- it reads as defensive. But I would have a friend there to be a witness if possible. Stay calm. Respond to all questions thoughtfully. If CPS offers any sort of suggestion, respond that you will think about it and mean it. Let them inspect the house. It will feel invasive, but they have to do their job. If you can list some family friends or folks from your community that they can talk to, that can help. CPS workers are generally overworked and stressed. If you are calm and have a safe home, you are 90% there for being deemed ok.

      If the worst happens and they make any noise about taking the kids (unlikely, but a remote possibility) you have the right to request that the kids be placed with a family member or friend. It helps if you can state for certain that the family member or friend doesn’t have a criminal record. If they have been federally back-ground checked, even better (think teacher or social worker). CPS is happy to agree, as it costs them less (sorry to sound cynical).

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I just want to clarify that no competent lawyer would be present for the visit or in any way want the OP to alert CPS that they were in the picture whatsoever. No competent lawyer would contact CPS themselves at this point either. Certainly telling CPS, “I have a lawyer!” would be a very bad idea at this point because it would just escalate, so I totally see what you’re saying and I agree 100% it would read very defensive. But I just want to clarify that contacting a lawyer in this situation should be for legal advice on the standards and laws in place in the OP’s jurisdiction in order to ensure the OP is knowledgeable about the background, the law and the players locally. This is a very important distinction! Getting a lawyer for counsel should not be an in your face thing that CPS will have any read on, because they shouldn’t know the lawyer exists. Any lawyer that would want to contact CPS immediately in this situation is not one who OP should want, but having that advice and counsel may be extremely helpful here.

      1. Melody Pond*

        I get that there are mandated reporter situations, but it still sucks. I’d be curious to know more about what kind of things trigger those mandatory reports for people who work in places like your kid’s camp – what the standards are. I wonder if I’d find them reasonable or not.

        1. Mrs. Krabapple*

          Another mandated reporter here. In my state, mandated reporters are held to a high standard— report it if it seems out of the ordinary or if something is said and let CPS figure it out. I can be held liable if I don’t. For example, kid says “my dad is going to beat me because I got in trouble in class”. Even when I think the kid is saying that for effect and will not be beaten, by law I -must- report. It’s uncomfortable having to do it when I think it’s not a situation of abuse; however, I know that abuse can be well hidden.

    18. ..Kat..*

      My perspective as a nurse who frequently takes care of children whose parents are being investigated by CPS:

      Have a neutral friend with you and your husband (someone who is very calm, diplomatic, and non-defensive; also is able to silently observe ) during the visit. CPS will inspect your house and talk with you and your husband. Most CPS investigators that I have met are just trying to make sure the child is in a safe, healthy, non-abusive environment. Yes, some are pushy assholes (you can ask for a different investigator). Some are having a bad day and letting it affect how they act (they see horrendous cases that most people can’t even imagine. This is hard to deal with on a regular basis.). Personally, I would not start off with a lawyer. They complicate simple cases. And, my anecdotal observation is that the people who lawyer up right away are often trying to hide horrific abuse. And, a lawyer will not change the outcome of the visit. If the investigator tells you they are recommending removal of your child, then get a lawyer. Do NOT joke at all when talking with the investigator. Many people joke when they are nervous. This is not the time for nervous jokes.

      Keep in mind that the investigator wants what you want: a safe, healthy environment for your child.

    19. Ruth (UK)*

      Sorry this is happening to you. In terms of the camp reporting it, even though they’ve got it wrong in this case, please don’t complain to/about them for doing so. It would be bad if it put them off from reporting something in the future where there was an actual concern. As much as it’s awful for you to go through this, it would be even worse if a genuinely bad case we’re to go unreported. They don’t have full context and only the words of your young child to go on. Something she said might have made it sound like there was rightful cause for concern, as kids can often phrase things in ways that don’t make sense to adults without context. It doesn’t mean you’ve actually done anything wrong.

      I am sure everything will go fine for you, as stressful as it is, and I’ll send some good thoughts your way for a smooth visit.

    20. OP*

      Wow! Thanks, everyone for your support and thoughts. All these insights have definitely helped keep the anxiety in check. I think the main thing for us is that never having to deal with CPS before, we weren’t aware of the scope of how they work. I hear the extreme stories in the news, but I didn’t realize that most cases do need to be checked out. Maybe the fact that camp was six weeks ago and we are just now hearing from them means that we weren’t an urgent case to begin with?
      I’m not angry with the camp, I’m just curious as to the chain of events. I think it’s weird that they saw me every single day at pick up and drop off, and knew that they had reported us. I’m sure it is their protocol, it just is a little unnerving. But in the end, I am grateful that these measures are in place. I remember taking the volunteer training for my kid’s school and a big portion of it was watching for signs of neglect and abuse, so I get that it’s something that people who work with kids have to be sensitive to.
      We do have a great family lawyer we can call if we need to, and friends nearby in case things don’t go well, but hopefully things will sort itself out quickly. Thank goodness I already had the house scheduled to be cleaned the morning of.
      I really appreciate everyone’s responses!

    21. Observer*

      Don’t call the camp – as others have said nothing good can come from it. It’s not necessarily true that they had to call CPS.- It IS true that they are mandated reporters but I’ve seen situations where things were reported that really, really didn’t need to be for a whole host of reasons. It still won’t help you, since either way you are going to feed the concern. The idea that “if you are a good parent you don’t have anything to worry about” is entrenched, even though it’s not necessarily true.

      Find out what you are legally required to allow then to do and see, and then limit them to that. ie Unless you are legally required to do so, do not let them talk with your kids alone. The problem here is that most CPS workers are just trying to keep kids safe and most of those have good sense. But even good ones have bad days, or may have biases that only crop up with certain demographics. And there are some case workers who just don’t belong in the profession. And you have no way to know what you’re going to be dealing with until afterwards.

  30. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m in the hospital again! I’m supposed to go home today, though, so that’s a good thing. I had an angiogram, and it uncovered two blockages. One is too small to stent, and they are going to try to treat the other one with medications. I kind of wish they had put a stent in it; then I’d know it was resolved. I am glad to know there is a reason for all my symptoms. Also, I found out I DID have a heart attack, not myocarditis, so I have a bit of a long road ahead. I am not well enough for cardiac rehab yet, but I will sign up as soon as I am stable.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry to hear this. I hope your path is a little lighter than it sounds right now.

    2. fposte*

      Oof, Ms. C., you are not catching much in the way of a break! I’m so sorry, and I’m impressed that you’re sounding as matter-of-fact as you are. I hope this is the end of ambiguity.

    3. Bluebell*

      So sorry to hear this and I hope you get home soon and feel better. Fun question- how did they break it to you that you had a heart attack? In my case I learned when the nurse was matter of factly telling me about my new meds and I had to say “back up about the silent heart attack thing. “

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Huh, I wrote a lengthy post here yesterday, but it’s not here. I’ll try again! I actually found out at my cardiologist’s office on Tuesday. He said the abnormality on my stress test is from scarring from a small heart attack. He wants me to get my LDL cholesterol below 30, take a bigger dose of Lipitor each day, and then go to cardiac rehab when I am stable enough.

        Around 1:30 Wednesday morning, I woke up with awful chest pain. I waited a while to see if it was just angina and would go away, but it didn’t, so I went to the ER. The ER doc felt that I needed an angiogram, so she called cardiology to consult on my case. The cardiology resident felt that I needed an angiogram. Then she came back with her attending…and he said I had myocarditis and didn’t need an angiogram. I understand they can’t order a $30,000 test on everyone who comes through the door, but I have a history of CAD, a previous blockage that required a stent, a father who has had three heart attacks (his first at 38, and I am 37), etc. They admitted me, and then I lucked out and got the chair of the whole department assigned to my case. He felt I DID need an angiogram. I had it done on Friday, and like I said above, it showed two blockages. My right coronary artery is 100% blocked, and my LAD has a small blockage that can’t be stented due to its size and location. The department chief said he feels like everyone has been treating me like I have a zebra (myocarditis) when chest pain, shortness of breath, and elevated troponin are way more likely to be heart attack/arterial blockage, especially in someone with my history.

        1. Bluebell*

          I’m glad to hear that your medical professionals are finally on the right path. Good luck with your rehab!

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending a hug. No advice from me, just warm thoughts and urging of patience on the road ahead. Knowledge is power… now you know exactly what you are dealing with.

    5. Anonymosity*

      Sending good healing vibes!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    6. Jersey's mom*

      It’s scary. It’s distressing. But you caught it early before a big medical incident, and there’s so much that can be done now that wasn’t possible 20 years ago. I had a heart attack and had emergency surgery for 2 stents (one artery was 97% blocked), and promptly had serious arrhythmia a few months later and needed surgery for that. I’m on a variety of meds, went through rehab, and have changed my diet and exercise regime.

      Do you have a 24 hour medical/nurse service that you can call? When this happened to me I was completely overwhelmed and couldn’t tell if I was having an anxiety attack, indigestion, or a heart attack. The nurse service helped a lot, as I could call in the middle of the night when I freaked out.

      Also, you could talk to your doctor about nitro tablets, if it’s appropriate for your history. I have 5 of them in my nightstand, and it does give me a sense of relief .

      One suggestion, I signed up for weight watchers online. Not so much for the weight, but they have hundreds of on-line recipes that are low fat, low sugar, and can be made low sodium. I spent my membership time downloading the recipies.

      It’s going to be ok. I was completely a mess for a few weeks after the surgeries, but the rehab exercise really helped a lot. I was on a heart monitor and observation the entire time, so I got very comfortable with exercise and knowing what normal heart rates and exercise aches felt like. I had been terrified to do anything, fearing I’d trigger something bad. The rehab was great!

      All the best to you. It’s very scary, but with good doctors and rehab, you’ll do just fine.

    7. LCL*

      OMG, that is scary. You have really been through the wringer with health issues. Get better and tell us all about it.

  31. Harvey P. Carr*

    Technically, this is a question about work. But it’s not a question where I’m seeking advice on what to do, or anything like that. It’s just something that I’ve always wondered about.

    I’ve noticed that at some places where employees wear name tags, the tags have the person’s hometown as well as their first name, for example:

    Harvey
    New York, NY

    Why do we need to know where the people are from? If I had to wear a name tag, I wouldn’t want people knowing where I live.

    1. Jen*

      I worked for a theme park and we had those. I think it was to give the place a more international flair, particularly certain parts of the park. I didn’t find it too invasive myself but I can understand how it could be, especially if you can from a small town.

      1. LJay*

        Same here.

        I think part of it was to encourage some more understanding on the part of the guests – if they could see that a worker was from, say Thailand, the hope was that they would be more patient with the employee’s English skills.

        And to engender more connection with people in general, I think. If you see that Melanie is from a small town in Iowa and you’re from that same area you have something to talk about and connect about on a more human level than the guest just seeing the workers and drones, or the workers seeing the guests as annoyances.

    2. TotesMaGoats*

      I think I’ve seen this most at places like Disney or theme parks. Other large businesses in major metro areas, think Macy’s in Times Square, would make sense. Welcoming to see people from their own country, I would think.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I worked at Disney World many, many moons ago, and we had “where I’m from” locations on our name tags. They were great conversation pieces. I had a fun conversation with a retired couple when I was helped by a woman whose nametag said she was from a city in Delaware: “Oh, we were just in another section and helped by John from Delaware!” “Yes, that’s my husband,” etc. My name tag had my university on it, I think (I was in College Program). I believe we got to choose which city/town went on the tag, so if, for instance, I was from a small town in Maryland but I wanted my name tag to say “Baltimore”, I could do that.

      The general purpose was conversation, kind of a “here’s something about me, the person who is helping you.” I never found it invasive, and honestly I only think it came up once or twice during the summer I worked there.

  32. Sled dog mama*

    I’m planning a train trip for me and my 4 year old for later this fall. She’s really into trains and animals so my plan is taking the train to Baltimore and going to the National Aquarium overnight in Baltimore then next day train to DC for the zoo overnight there then home on the third day.
    Based on train schedules we’ll arrive in Baltimore about 1 pm which should be plenty of time for the aquarium. I don’t think she’ll stay interested more than 3-4 hours. The train home leaves after 4pm on the third day so we could do the zoo on that day. There are lots of options for getting from Baltimore to Washington. I’ve got at least half a day extra maybe more like 3/4 or a day. So what should I do? Anything that a four year old might enjoy. Also restaurants that would be kid friendly, she’s not picky (actually she loves fish). My only restriction is that we’ll be using public transit to get around so I plan to stay in the Amtrak station/Aquarium general area.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Don’t stay too close to Penn Station in Baltimore. There’s nothing there, for starters, and it’s not a particularly great area. You’re much better off staying by the Inner Harbor. The Aquarium is right there, and there is a TON of stuff in that area, all within walking distance. There’s the Maryland Science Center, which I used to love as a kid, and plenty of shopping and family-friendly restaurants, all easily walkable. The Baltimore Museum of Industry might be fun, though since she’s four, she might need a more interactive museum, but I always enjoyed it. I’m sure there’s a bunch of other stuff that’s popped up in the last 20 years or so that I have no idea about!

      Public transportation in Baltimore is only OK, in my experience. If you stay near the Inner Harbor, get a taxi or an Uber from the train station. If you want to cross the harbor and go to Harbor East and Fells Point (more fun for adults than kids, I think), you can always take the water taxi. Heck, you can just take the water taxi for fun, which I used to do as a kid. But if you’re based close to Harborplace (the Inner Harbor, I’ve always called it by both names), you can walk everywhere pretty easily.

    3. Cat Herder*

      The less you do and the slower you do it, the better. I don’t know how long you will be on the train. Assuming two hours, I would do this: day one, get to train station early and explore it, train trip, go to hotel, take a nap, go to hotel pool if there is one, dinner, look at info about aquarium and decide on a few things you hope you’ll see.
      Day two: breakfast at hotel? Aquarium: go slowly, take breaks, stop for lunch. If yr daughter seems up for it, more aquarium. Otherwise back to hotel.
      Day three: I wouldn’t also do the zoo. Exhausting. Do something easy and low key. A park? Get to train station early and explore. Have paper and crayons or markers and spend time together drawing trains.
      Children that age find the littlest things interesting and exciting. They are less likely to melt down if you do less and go slowly, at kid speed.

  33. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    It made me so happy that my misheard lyrics post last week had such a flood of great responses. It made me laugh all weekend! Since then I’ve remembered two more.

    Isaac Hayes, “Theme from Shaft”, I always heard:
    Isaac: They say that cat Shaft is a bad mother–
    Nanny Chorus: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
    Isaac: But I’m talkin’ ‘but Shaft!
    Nanny Chorus (kind of huffy): Well, we’ll condone it.

    Actual lyric is:
    Nanny Chorus (enthusiastically): Then we can dig it!

    Also, “Oh Sherrie” by Steve Perry:
    Actual lyric: “Oh Sherrie, I’m in love. Hold on…”
    What I always heard: “Oh sh*t, I’m in love! Hold on…”

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much

      Shania: and you’ll kiss your c*ck goodnight

      Actual lyrics: and you’ll kiss your car goodnight

      I was a very confused child.

    2. Merci Dee*

      I heard several of the songs from last weekend’s list over the past several days. I had to sing the wacky lyrics every time I heard the songs, they just cracked me up so much.

    3. Canadian Natasha*

      My Mom still gets laughed at by the rest of our family for singing Secret Agent Man as “secret asian man”. We realised it while on a road trip about 15 years ago when everyone was singing along with the radio and her lyrics were…not right.

      2. Belle di Vedremo*

        Ooh, there was an a capella men’s group in DC who rewrote the lyrics to make it fully, “secret Asian man” with that song’s lead being, wait for it, an Asian man. :) That group was a lot of fun. It’s been so long that I no longer remember their name.

        1. Canadian Natasha*

          Oh that’s awesome! If you remember who they were pls pass it on so I can show/tell my family.

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        There was a third wave ska band called “Secret Cajun Band” as a result of a similar mishearing of that song.

    5. Sadie Catie*

      AC/DC – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

      Actual lyric:
      “Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap”
      What I heard:
      “Dirty deeds and the dunder Chief”

      I just assumed that was who was doing the dirty deeds… you know, the dunder Chief.

      Apparently this is a pretty common one.

    6. Lcsa99*

      It’s so ridiculous. Every time my husband and I are listening to music we always come across more I’ve “ruined” for him but I can’t think of many. One of my favorites is Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’: “It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not” should be “make it or not”

    7. Thursday Next*

      Listening to Alannis Morissette in the car with my 11-y.o. this afternoon.

      Real lyrics: It’s not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me…

      Son’s lyrics: It’s not fair to deny me the cross-eyed bear that you gave to me…

    8. LCL*

      Black Sabbath, War Pigs. I always heard ‘treating people just like partridges’ which made sense because partridges are birds raised to be turned loose and killed. It fits with the whole anti war theme of the song. Except the line is ‘treating people just like pawns in chess’.

    9. GermanGirl*

      Secrets by One Republic.

      I heard:
      And now my cheeks are stained red from all the truths that I’ve said.
      …
      I’m gonna tell all my secrets to you.

      It is:
      ‘Til all my sleeves are stained red from all the truth that I’ve said.
      …
      I’m gonna give all my secrets away.

      I find my version with the blushing and the telling much more romantic.

    10. Lcsa99*

      Not really a misheard lyric, but I’ve discovered that Devo’s Whip It is a lot more fun if you substitute “whiskey” for “whip it”.

    11. SarahKay*

      My grandma used to sing “My bonnie lies over the ocean” which I misheard as “My body lies over the ocean”. Grandma thought it hilarious when she heard me singing it one day and realised how I’d misheard her.

  34. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I’ve just started the Poldark series by Winston Graham. Ross and Demelza haven’t met yet but I’ve been really looking forward to these books. I bought the whole series all at once instead of waiting to see if I liked the first one, so I’m really hoping I do like it!

    1. London Calling*

      Re-reading Marie Antoinette by Antonia Fraser, and for fiction Margaret the First by Danielle Dutton, and Mothering Sunday by Graham Swift. I’ve read hardly anything this summer, and from this autumn funds will be in much better shape, so I will be buying books again (as if I didn’t have enough of them).

      I love the Poldark novels, although it’s years since I read them. I’d rather read them than watch the series (the 70s one, not the current effort).

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I remember enjoying the Fraser quite a bit when I read it years ago. I took French for 10 years and learned quite a bit about French history in upper levels in high school, but I recall really liking the deep dive into what MA’s life was like, and the very real challenges that came with her position (both as a woman of noble birth and as the wife of Louis XVI specifically).

    3. LCL*

      I’ll be gone in the dark, by Michelle McNamara. It’s about the East area rapist/original night stalker. The book is mostly about the different law enforcement agencies involved in the case, and speculation about who he is and his methods. The kicker is, of course, that the book was outdated upon publication because the guy was finally caught by DNA evidence shortly before it was published. It’s a fascinating read, not lurid at all, it doesn’t dwell on the individual crimes. It’s also a view back into what the distant suburbs built on the edge of farmlands were like pre computer, pre internet, pre security cameras. Just like the area where I grew up.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I read that earlier this summer! I liked it a lot, but I did find myself wishing for some kind of afterword about the suspect they arrested.

    4. LizB*

      City of Miracles by Robert Jackson Bennett, the third book in an excellent fantasy trilogy. I was at Worldcon last weekend and saw the author on a panel, and he was delightful and also mentioned that the whole series is currently available on Kindle for $3, so I snapped it up and have been zipping through it. Great worldbuilding, characters, and plots. A decent amount of violence and death, so watch out for that, but somehow not as grimdark as a lot of other fantasy series.

    5. Shrunken Hippo*

      My plan for this week is to read Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo (which is pretty much feeling like a cotton candy book read to me so far), Falling Kingdoms by Morgan Rhodes, and start Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson. Though that plan might change if I get some really cool non-fiction books from the library because as much as I love fantasy I do need a break every once in a while.

    6. CAA*

      I was intrigued by the description for Theodora Goss’ second book when I saw it in the library’s new e-books list, so I went and downloaded the first one, “The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter”, and am about to start it. The second one is called “European Travel for the Monstrous Gentlewoman”. These are on the very edge of what I usually like, so we’ll see.

    7. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      Working my way through Darwin Comes to Town by Menno Schilthuizen. Between my new dog and getting ready to go back to school, reading has taken a backseat this week. :(

    8. Aurora Leigh*

      Flame in the Mist by Renee Ahdieh.

      It’s a Young Adult fantasy novel set in feudal Japan — very cool! It’s the story of a girl who escapes an arranged marriage and falls in with a gang of outlaws.

      Also, the cover is gorgeous!

    10. Lcsa99*

      I am rereading Stranger With My Face by Lois Duncan. I read this when I was in 6th grade or so and thought it would be fun to read again. It’s been kinda cool to see how much I actually remember!

    11. MsChanandlerBong*

      I’m reading “Baby Teeth”–a copy finally became available at the library. I also finished a Mary Burton book, “The 7th Victim.”

  35. Annie Moose*

    I want advice column suggestions! I confess I love drama and reading about other people’s crazy situations, and I adore good advice columns. But I’m kind of picky with the ones that I regularly follow, and I’d like suggestions of new ones to read. Right now, the ones that I actively follow (as in, read every post, every week) are AAM, Dear Prudence, and Captain Awkward. I also used to adore “That Bad Advice You Were Hoping For” when it was running, which was a parody advice column.

    I’m not suuuper interested in romance/relationship-focused columns (especially because a lot of Captain Awkward letters are about relationships anyway) or anything particularly dark (I already have to take occasional Captain Awkward breaks), but I am always on board with over-dramatic letters with solid answers. For me, part of “solid answers” means that I can trust the columnist to not victim-blame, have weird gender expectations, etc.

    So, any suggestions?? What are your favorites?

    1. Fellow Traveler*

      I would definitely like suggestion too!
      Carolyn Hax at the Washington Post is one that I read religiously. And I liked the Dear Sugars podcast.
      Any podcast suggestions too?

    4. CopperBoom*

      Every Monday, Digg dot com posts an advice column round up. That’s a good place to get a sample of various columns. I also like Savage Love and Dear Wendy (one of the forum moderators there is a big fan of AAM, which is how I started reading here!).

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      So this is weird because I don’t live in the DC area but I read a Q and A from Tom Sietsema in the Washington Post every Wednesday. I find it really interesting. I also like the Ask Real Estate column in The NY Times even though I don’t live in New York.

      2. Doodle*

        I… also do both of these things. Tom is the best! I’m not even that into restaurants — I just really like his writing.

        The one time I went to DC after reading for several years though — great meals!!

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          I know right! It’s so entertaining!!! I love that column. It definitely makes me want to try DC restaurants though!

    8. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Do you like podcasts? Han & Matt Know It All is a great one for advice column junkies and they have an active FB group too.

    10. Theodoric of York*

      “Dear Prudence” on Slate is especially good to read for the comments. “Chump Lady” is a real eye-opener.

    11. kit*

      Care and Feeding on Slate! It’s about child rearing but I don’t have kids and I enjoy it a lot on the advice column level. It has two advisors with different vibes.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        I’m liking this one, in spite of not having kids. The columnists have a touch of refreshing snark to them. I also second Carolyn Hax. Like AAM she provides advice that is both pragmatic and nuanced, and is designed to function in the real world. She does a Friday live question and answer as well.

        1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

          I’m glad I’m not the only childless person who love Carvell and Nicole. I just find them so practical and enjoy their writing styles.

    12. Cat Herder*

      I love Dear Prudence because Daniel
      Mallory Ortberg is sincere and tries so hard but gives such bad advice — the pleasure of groaning “no way!”

      1. jano*

        I know just what you mean re Dear Prudence.
        In the Guardian, I like Ask Annalisa Barbieri – she’s compassionate, understands complexity and consults good experts if the problem’s out of her wheelhouse.
        I struggle with Dear Mariella (also in The Guardian) who tends to do everything you said – weird gender expectations, victim blaming and more – but the comments btl pointing this out and often offering their own excellent advice are great

    13. ..Kat..*

      Ask Amy
      Carolyn Hax
      Dear Prudence
      Dear Abby
      Miss Manners (seriously, some of her replies are hilarious! Not in a bad or snarky way. Just read for a couple of weeks, you’ll see)
      Sense and sensibility
      Dear Annie
      Evil HR lady
      Lowering the bar
      Screw You guys I’m going home
      The ethicist
      Dances with fat
      Captain Awkward
      Ask a manager
      Chick lit (Scottoline and Serritella)

      Not all are advice, but you may enjoy them.

    14. Prof_Murph*

      I religiously read advice columns – and also don’t super love the romantic advice ones. But here’s what I read:
      Dear Prudence
      Carolyn Hax – the Friday chats are awesome
      Ask Amy
      Savage Love (sex advice columnist, can be pretty explicit)
      The Workologist – NYT
      Ask Real Estate – NYT
      Social Q’s – NYT
      The Ethicist – NYT
      Tough Love

    15. Monty's Mom*

      Etiquette hell is fun for me. It’s not daily, and I’m not sure there’s a rhythm to it, but I enjoy it, and it’s the only one I regularly go to,that I haven’t already seen listed, except for The Pickle on Slate, which is food advice, and really terrible and not realistic, but fun!

  36. KarentheLibrarian*

    My husband and I bought a house two years ago without a dishwasher. At the time I thought, “This will be no problem!” However…what I didn’t realize after growing up with a dishwasher is that you have to wash everything (obviously)! Silverware and cups (my least favorite things to wash) don’t just clean themselves. Unfortunately, it’s not in our budget to add a dishwasher to our kitchen right now, as there has never been one, and even if we did, we would lose valuable cabinet space. The kitchen needs to be completely gutted. I can’t seem to keep up the motivation to wash dishes every day, even though I find it really satisfying to walk into the kitchen and have everything put away. My husband doesn’t really care about dirty dishes and is only sometimes helpful. He grew up in a house with family members who liked dishes done a certain way & thus he never really learned how/had to do them.

    I know the answer is probably that I need to discipline myself to just do them every night, but I would love to hear about any tips or gadgets you have to make dishwashing easier. Thanks!

    1. Temperance*

      Before we had a dishwasher installed, we used a portable dishwasher that hooked up to the kitchen sink.

      1. Melody Pond*

        I was just coming to suggest this. We had a small countertop dishwasher (about $200?) that hooked up to the sink, and it was worth every penny just to not have to wash every single piece of silverware by hand. The bigger items of course still had to be handwashed, but not having to do all the tiny stuff by hand helped a lot.

        1. KarentheLibrarian*

          I’ve been considering a portable or counter top dishwasher, but of course, it seems like every time I have enough money saved, something else takes priority. Home ownership is so fun…not! Thank you both for your suggestion! I’m going to keep saving for one!

    2. Koala dreams*

      Let them soak in water those days when you don’t want to do the dishes. It makes it easier to get clean later. If your husband don’t want to do the dishes, maybe he can dry them with a towel and put them away. That way you can share the work and it will look neater afterwards.

      And you can look for advice in the thread above about household chores, maybe you’ll find something that helps you.

    3. Reba*

      I have a dishwasher, but it is tiny and feeble, so I handwash a lot. The thing that helps me just do it is to put on a podcast. I also have a really nice dish/draining rack, and other tools or whatnot that make the job as easy as possible.

      1. KarentheLibrarian*

        Thanks, Reba! I usually listen to music but a podcast would be a good way to switch it up & make it more interesting! I’ll definitely try it!

    4. wingmaster*

      I’ve lived in my house with no dishwasher at all. Honestly, you just have to be strict on yourself and wash as you go/put away washed dishes regularly. Maybe figure out if it’s possible to use few dishes and pots?

      Someone has already mentioned it, but soaking and having music helps a lot!

      1. KarentheLibrarian*

        I definitely find I do better washing dishes as I go when I make things that require longer cooking times but don’t need constant attention. I haven’t much motivation to cook much lately with lots happening during the workday, so I know that’s part of it, too. Thanks, wingmaster!

    5. Erika22*

      We haven’t had a dishwasher in four years, and I’m very used to it by now. One thing that keeps it easy for us to stay on track is to use a very limited number of dishes. For two of us, we have four small plates, four large plates, and four bowls, plus utensils and glasses. For cooking, we have one good saucepan, one good frying pan, and two teeny baking sheets (for our teeny oven). It forces us to do the dishes every day (or every other day) because otherwise there’s nothing to eat on and nothing to cook with. I also like to clean as I cook, so washing things while something is simmering or baking, etc. It cuts down on what’s leftover after the meal. And honestly, sometimes I’ll just play something on Netflix on my iPad while cleaning the kitchen – at least it’s something to entertain me while I’m working!

      1. KarentheLibrarian*

        I read a book about minimalism recently & the author recommended paring down the items in your kitchen, but I haven’t done it because I like to have people over for meals. Your comment sparked an idea to pack up most of my dishes (do two people really need two different sizes of plates & bowls–12 of each size??) but keep them easily accessible in the basement for having company. Thanks, Erika22!

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Try radio shows: either C-Span radio (if it hits the sweet spot between infuriating and inducing narcolepsy) or broadcasts of whatever sports games you enjoy. Playing the baseball game reminds me of my younger years when my dad would listen to the ball game and wash the dinner dishes.

      1. KarentheLibrarian*

        Great idea, Jean! I tend to listen to several stations on Pandora but it repeats a lot, so this would be a good way to switch it up.

    7. CTT*

      We rarely used our dishwasher when I was growing up, and my parents were very strict about always washing things right away, and it’s stuck with me. Breakfast dishes I try to do right after I eat because it takes at most one minute. If I’ve cooked something big, or let dishes slide for a few meals, it can seem intimidating, but I’ll set a timer for five minutes and it’s surprising how much you can get done in that time.

      Also, your husband should be pulling his weight too; the dishes shouldn’t be up to you entirely. And it doesn’t have to be a nagging thing. One of the best ways my parents modeled a good relationship for me is that they did (and still do!) the dishes together every night. My dad washes, my mom dries and puts up. They made it part of their time together, so it seemed like less of a chore.

      1. KarentheLibrarian*

        My parents were/are strict about it too, but unfortunately it didn’t stick/I got really lazy (definitely lazy). I like the timer idea– I’ve done that in the past & it’s motivated me, & I usually keep going.

        I’m in total agreement with you about my husband. He’s made a lot of progress in a lot of areas concerning cleaning since we got married, but this is not one of those areas. I’ll suggest working together & see if that helps. Thanks!

    8. Loves Libraries*

      When we were first married and lived in a house without a dishwasher our agreement was that whoever cooked, the other did the dishes. And even when we got takeout the person who did not fetch had to throw away the trash.

      1. KarentheLibrarian*

        This is how it was when I was growing up too, trading off with my sister. It was my expectation in marriage, too, but it hasn’t worked out that way, unfortunately. I’m going to suggest tag-teaming it, along with packing up extra dishes & utensils so we’re forced to keep up with everything. Thanks, Loves Libraries!

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Maybe find a “how to adult” video on how to wash dishes and watch it together while washing dishes. A lot of times people get really insecure as if there’s a magic, correct way to do dishes, so if you both agree on a general method, you can nip that in the bud. There’s not a whole lot if innate incentive to overcome a psychological hangup about a chore you don’t want to do anyway. But absolutely no good will come to you from being the lone in-house dishwashing expert, so fix this any way you can!

    9. LCL*

      Well since you asked, the answer isn’t you working harder. The answer is showing your husband how to do the dishes. It’s not hard to learn.

      I did put in some time as a dish dog in my restaurant days. For a home kitchen, it’s scrape everything off with a spatula, wash dishes by type, if you have two sinks use one for wash and one for rinse. If you only have one sink, try using a big bowl in the sink or on the counter next to it as your rinse bowl. If you are prone to dermatitis at all wear rubber dish gloves.

    10. LuJessMin*

      I’ve just made it a rule to wash dishes immediately after a big meal (if I make a cooked breakfast, I do dishes right after breakfast. Otherwise, it’s after dinner.) Now, granted, the dishes stay in the drainer until the next day (or days), but at least they are clean.

    12. It’s me*

      Do one dish a day. At the very least, you can always accomplish that. And on a good day (or more often than not) you’ll just keep on going and finish them all!

    13. Chaordic One*

      Pay attention to how many pots and pans you use. Single pan meals are your best friend.

      I used to have a friend who would literally eat while holding her plate over the kitchen sink which had soapy water in it. Bonus was that she ate less and lost weight.

    14. Cat Herder*

      No, you need to disciple yourself to have a frank discussion w your husband, who is old enough and capable enough to learn how to wash dishes. Once they are clean, no problem, you can leave them in the rack. But don’t leave them dirty overnight: they will be harder to clean and they will attract critters (ew).

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Yes it’s ridiculous for him to claim never having learned how to do them or never having had to do them as a child. It’s hardly complicated to clean dishes! If he truly doesn’t know how, he can learn in about 2 minutes. There is absolutely no way it’s ok for him to completely opt out of this chore because he “doesn’t really care” about them. He only gets to decide to leave them all the time if he lives alone and it doesn’t impact anyone else.

    15. Anono-me*

      Dawn Platinum dish soap. It is fabulous.

      Also, you and hubs don’t have to split the dishes 50/50. You have to split the chores fairly. Usually that is 50/50, but sometimes that means something different due to work or health issues. (Hobby chores are not real chores for the purposes of fair chore distribution.)

  37. Confused PM*

    I’m looking for escapist beach read recommendations! To give you a sense of my taste, I love the Oulander series, Where’d you go Bernadette, and Eligible (a modern retelling of pride and prejudice). My job is exhausting, and I just want to escape with a good book. Help!

    1. Reba*

      Have you read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell? Extremely long but I think would tick your boxes.

      There are also so, so many YA series going that are fun, I’d definitely look there.

      1. Reba*

        Oooh to add to my own recs, I am currently reading The Invisible Library series and it is extremely fun and clever.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m going to second Alison’s recommendation of Crazy Rich Asians, plus the other two books (China Rich Girlfriend and Rich People Problems). They are SO fun. I devoured them all in record time. They have a bit of Jane Austen gossipy, look-at-how-the-other-half-lives that you might enjoy.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I like Karen White’s books. There’s a nice bit of depth under the fluff. I also recently read Brooklyn by Colm Toibin and really loved it. It’s more melancholy and ambiguous than the film, which I also love.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      Try Kiss Quotient. It’s a really fun romcom about a woman on the autism spectrum who hires a male escort to help her figure out romance. Great book!

    8. MissDisplaced*

      If you like time travel: Scarab series by Helen Allan (was fun adventure), The Scribe of Siena, The Chronicles of St. Mary’s series, Train Through Time series, The Far Time Incident.

      Fantasy/Steampunk: Paths of Shadow series by Frank Tuttle, The Derring-Do Club by David Wake, Cold Stone & Ivy series, The Paper Magician series, Lady of Devices/Magnificent Devices series by Shelly Adina, Master of Crows, Leviathan series.

      And I would throw in there Margaret Atwood’s Oryx and Crake series… though it’s not always “fun,” it was absorbing and she’s such a great writer.

  38. In need of perspective*

    I’m hoping for some perspective on something that’s hard sometimes to talk about: money. I’ve always had a lot of anxiety about my finances, due in part to growing up in household that occasionally teetered on the edge of financial disaster. This makes it hard for me sometimes to know what is normal in terms of spending/saving habits. I have no way of assessing whether I am doing “good enough” financially, or whether my savings are on par.

    My husband and I are early-30something DINKs and we make good money (~$120k household gross), especially for our low cost-of-living area. We have no student or credit card debt, just a mortgage and a single economy-budget car on a lease. Our combined savings across our different accounts amount to a little over $80k, not counting our employer-based retirement accounts (in which have less, since we only joined the workforce properly about two years ago). Our jobs are stable, but probably we will not be increasing our salaries for a number of years, due to the nature of salary scales in our profession.

    I go back and forth between feeling like our savings is a lot of money and thinking this isn’t adequate. I also don’t know what we should we be doing with our savings/”excess” funds. Every time we think about taking a vacation or getting a second car I panic, because it feels so irresponsible. Even small purchases, like buying new pants for work, sometimes bring on unreasonable levels of anxiety and hand-wringing. But I also can’t commit to doing something like investing with this money, because it doesn’t seem like “enough” to invest, or prudent to dump it all in our mortgage. And I’m also not sure how much we should be keeping where it is for the sake of emergencies. What even counts as an emergency?

    My questions here are pretty inchoate: How much money do people actually have (liquid) or expect to have based on their salaries? How do you know when you have “enough” money saved? How did you choose what to do with your savings, and at what point would you start moving money from a bank account into, say, a mortgage, or other investments? How do you know how much to invest or move and hoe much to keep for emergencies (and what counts as an emergency)? How do you budget for “splurge” items, like trips or big-ticket items, and then justify actually going through with it? Any thoughts people have (that are not simply “make a budget” – I’m good at budgeting and saving, I just don’t know what the ends to it are, or when enough is enough) would be appreciated.

    1. matcha123*

      I’m going to be watching the replies here. I also grew up in a financially unstable household and find it interesting that people with similar backgrounds tend to fall into two types of categories: very reluctant to spend anything or very eager to spend to make up for lost time.
      Personally, I don’t think there’s ever enough.

    2. msroboto*

      Hey good job saving 80K that’s pretty significant. That is most likely close to a years take home pay for both of you so good job.
      If you want to look at investing or moving money around I would suggest first that nothing has to be all or nothing. Like putting it into the mortgage which will guarantee you the 5 or 6% interest rate of the mortgage but not be too liquid unless you plan to sell or get a home equity line just in case.
      You could look at a mortgage calculator and figure out if you pay and extra payment a year how much time would you take off the mortgage. It can be comforting to pay off the mortgage but then you will have even more money to invest or not.
      You probably should at some point look to put some in stocks but you need to study up and be comfortable. You can look at things like S&P 500 or other market funds that own the stocks in the grouping and follow the market. Again study.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I mean, it all comes down to math. How much is your total out-go per month? Put away 3 or 6 times that as an emergency fund (think: the household suddenly has zero income, or we have to evacuate because of a natural disaster, that kind of thing). Get that fund up to the 3 or 6 months’ worth as quickly as you can, and that will help alleviate some inchoate stresses about finances. I don’t have a specific cite for that figure; I’ve seen it many places.

      If you want a budget for splurge items, then open an account for it or start another column in your household budget, and start adding to it after you have your 3 or 6 months’ expenses saved. Or add to it while you’re also paying into the emergency fund, whatever works for you.

      Then to retire, one rule of thumb I’ve seen is that, once you have 25 times your annual spending saved, then you can retire. This assumes that during your retirement, you’re living off the interest, dividends, distributions, etc., of that fund, and also that you do not increase your spending. This is the “Mr. Money Mustache” scheme, boiled down.

      1. SarahKay*

        Seconded to the separate accounts for splurge money. Growing up, money was tight and my parents had about four different bank accounts that they used for different items – monthly household, emergency savings, holiday saving, treats, etc. Nothing would get paid into the holiday or treats accounts unless the other accounts were where they should be.
        For them it removed the guilt about actually using the holiday money to go on holiday (although cheap holidays; we camped pretty much always) or treating the family to a meal out, because the money was clearly actually available for them to spend.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I personally do it backwards, I check what’s left in my account every month and if it’s more than change money, I put it in the savings amount. If it’s not enough for bills, I take money from the savings account. I seldom worry about money.

      If you want more structure there are any number of rules of thumb to help you decide. For example, a lot of people want to pay off their house before retirement. Sometimes consumer organizations make budgets for an average household, including how much to spend on various things and how much to save. Insurance typically pay only above a certain amount, so you need to keep that amount of money on hand.

      Then, when you are buying things, tell yourself: I’ve budgeted for this and I can afford it.

      Some common emergencies are:
      1. Health crisis. How much money would it cost if you got ill and had to go to hospital? New glasses if you lost your old? Going to the dentist?
      2. Problems with the house or appliances. Sooner or later you’ll need to repair something. What would it cost you to repair or buy a new heater/washing machine/dish washer or similar?
      3. Car breaking down. Older cars generally need more maitenance.
      4. Losing your job. If you need to pay your bills for 3/6/9 months without income, how much do you need to save?

      I’m curious what other people will answer, there are so many different points of view when it comes to money.

    6. Reba*

      That amount of savings is awesome! Way to go!

      There are several different schools of thought (associated with authors) on money management. Since this is something that’s eating at you, you might benefit from reading some well-regarded ones and sticking to a plan, just to have a plan. Or you could take a little advice from different schools. Paying down the principle is a very very good thing, because it reduces your debt burden. Putting as much as you can towards retirement in the tax protected accounts is also very good. You definitely have “enough” to invest. Y’all are doing well!

      We have a good amount of liquid cash, but when we got around where you are in terms of savings, maybe a bit less (similar situation overall, HCOL but no debt hallelujah) we got into mutual funds and bond funds. As far as investments my only philosophy is “keep it simple, stupid.” We max out retirement savings options, also.

    7. KatieKate*

      I recommend reddit /r/personalfinance. They have a great flowchart on where you should put money. For example, are you doing your best to max out tax advantaged accounts? 401k, HSA? IRA? Do you have mostly cash savings? If so, is it because you’re saving up for a house or another big expense, or is it because you’re not sure how to invest? They have advice for that too.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I think that if we grow up worried about money it’s a very hard habit to shake off.
      I highly recommend writing a budget. Calculate out how much discretionary spending makes sense for your setting. You can also figure out how much is reasonable to put into savings.
      Once you have this written out, you can tweak it up or down as you learn more. But putting it in writing will help you see the vacation expense in relationship to how other things are doing.
      There are materials out there regarding an impoverished mind set or a mind set of scarcity. I guess those are not the same, I want to look at this closer myself. Doing some background reading like this may be of help to you.

    9. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Another thing that comes to my mind is insurance above and beyond your health insurance coverage. Look into what I think of as the big 3: life insurance, long-term care insurance, and disability insurance. The last two there are for catastrophic situations that don’t actually result in your death, but would drain even the heftiest bank accounts after a while. They help protect your savings if something terrible happens and may give you some more peace of mind at the current moment.

    10. LCL*

      My advice here is do as I say, not as I do. Look at your retirement plans at work, and if your employer matches, put the maximum amount in you can, if possible. You and your husband are young enough this will make a huge difference when you reach retirement age. (I am not maxing out my contributions because my employer doesn’t match, and I am at the end of my working years, and took an honest evaluation of both sides of my family’s lifespan.)

      1. Kuododi*

        A huge second on taking advantage of the employer match money for your retirement accounts. I remember my bank manager mother drilling that one in my head back when I was a goofy kid in high school bagging fast food sandwiches in the afternoons on a part time basis. Best wishes!

    11. fposte*

      There’s already a recommendation for /r/personalfinance, and I’ll add a recommendation for bogleheads dot org (there are some really rich people there, but don’t let that distract you from how much of the information is super-helpful for the rest of us).

      Right now it sounds like you’re trying to move from money as a “now” thing to a long-term view, which is great, and at your stage of the life, you’re ahead of most people. But I also totally understand the challenge of figuring out what “enough” looks like in the moment with the long-term needs in mind. The subreddit and bogleheads can point you to some relevant questions about retirement, taxes, health care, etc.; perhaps even more importantly, they can point you to free online calculators that you can input your information into to see how things might play out down the line under different plans. For me, I also find it useful to just read for a while and see how people at different stages of life are benefiting from/struggling with decisions that were taken when they were your age.

      As you realize, there’s also a big psychological component here. For me, spreadsheets are key (plus I really like them), in that it concretizes my options rather than making me feel like I’m flailing on the fog. Okay, if I want to change to Roth contributions to my retirement plans, here is the effect on my taxes–can I still afford a trip? How much will this benefit me when I’m 70? That may sound like a tall order if you’re just starting to put this stuff together, but the online calculators are built for this kind of thing.

    12. Cringing 24/7*

      I look at the things I worry most about and if they’re things that I’m not already actively working towards, I create a savings account for them.
      My top worry – never being able to retire and having to work forever. Solution: Retirement account
      My next worry – health expenses. Solution: HSA
      My next worry – never taking time to have fun. Solution: Vacation savings
      etc.
      Some might say that I’ve gone overboard with this a bit, to the point that I have over 9 savings accounts. But this works for my wife and I. It allows us to take that fear that strikes at random times that says, “But what will you do if such and such happens!” and say, “It’s fine. Look. We have a plan SPECIFICALLY for that scenario.”
      It helps calm my anxiety about having (or not having) “enough.”

    13. CAA*

      “Enough” means different things in different contexts. I think $80K is more than “enough” for an emergency fund and I suspect that you could live off that for more than a year if you both lost your jobs on Monday. However, it’s not “enough” to be financially independent. If you did lose your jobs, you’d have to go back to work in order to earn enough to survive for the rest of your lives.

      If I were you, and I had that $80K and a budget for the year, here’s what I’d do.
      1) take 1 year’s worth of expenses (the amount you budgeted) and put that money in an interest bearing account where it’s easy to get to, but it’s earning some small amount. You can google for the best options, but usually Ally and Synchrony are right up there. This is your emergency fund. You use it to pay for any unexpected necessity that wasn’t in your budget, like extensive car or home repairs, or to live on if one of you becomes unemployed.
      2) make sure you’re maxing out your annual 401K contributions at both jobs
      3) open Roth IRA accounts for each of you at Vanguard and put $5500 in each one. Invest them in a target date fund for about 2050 (when you’ll be 62-ish).
      4) open a joint investment account at Vanguard and put the remainder of the $80K in there. You can also put this in a target date fund for now, but after you’ve had some time to follow fposte’s advice and do some reading, you might want to move this to a 3-fund portfolio or one of the other bogleheads’ suggestions.
      5) pat yourselves on the back and high-five because you are doing amazingly well

      At the end of the year, take another look at your finances and your budget. You can top up your emergency fund if you need it and adjust your budget to reflect how you’re actually spending. Make sure to include another Roth IRA contribution for each of you in next year’s budget. Anything left after that goes half for splurges and half for adding to your joint investment account.

      Repeat annually until one day you realize that by living below your means you have accumulated enough money that you are only working because you want to, not because you have to.

    14. LilySparrow*

      Dave Ramsey has some very practical, actionable advice about how to prioritize your money when you’re out of debt, and useful guidelines on percentages for retirement, mortgage amounts, emergency fund, and so forth.

      1. fposte*

        I’m going to advise against Dave for investing–he’s really misleading on expenses and returns, to the point where it seems like he genuinely doesn’t understand how they’re calculated.

    15. anonagain*

      I liked Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi’s book “All Your Worth.”
      It’s kind of old now, but I think the basic principles are solid. I find that with really big topics like this, I like starting with a self-contained resource first and then moving on to the whole of the internet.

      I probably would use some money to buy an inexpensive car instead of leasing, but I am definitely not qualified to give advice on this topic.

    16. R*

      Everyone has to find the approach to their finances that works for them. All I can say about my approach is that it works really well for me. Having said that, I’ll describe it…

      I was broke as could be during all seven years of university, and left school with student debt. I wanted to get rid of that debt ASAP so I continued living as I had in university, sharing a house with friends and spending very little even though I had a good job. I found I really enjoyed scrimping to pay off my debt.

      I loosened up after that but never went on a trip or bought anything without saving up for it first. I set up my credit card so that it would be paid in full every month and have never carried a balance. I save up before I buy a car. Also I prioritize my extravagances: I’m cheap about cars, clothes, haircuts, groceries and almost everything else, but splurge on travel and theater.

      I bought a house on my own and had a sizable mortgage. Boy, that mortgage was a monkey on my back. I knew that if I lost my job I could lose my house. Once again I scrimped for years to put every penny on that mortgage, and once again I paid it off in record time.

      The third time I went through this was saving for my retirement. At 40 I had no savings and no pension, so I started to sock it away – single-mindedly, enjoying doing everything I could to pile it up. I was then able to retire comfortably at 60. (I hadn’t planned to retire at 60, but I unexpectedly burned out.)

      I never put aside money for a rainy day, never wrote a budget, and never balanced my investments and debt pay-down. Maybe you could say I just enjoyed being cheap. :-)

      Re your question about investing, by all means start now. There’s a learning curve (not just for D-I-Y but also for working with a financial advisor) and the earlier you get into it, the better you’ll do later. You don’t need a lot to start investing, and you don’t need to take a lot of risk.

    17. ronda*

      I would also add… If you are generally frugal, do make it a point to allow yourself to spend on some of the things you really enjoy.

      You only live once, so balance the savings and spending so you enjoy things now too. Just think about what you want most and allocate some money to that.

      And a meeting with a financial planner might help you. Lots of them do a free 1st meeting and give you an overview of a plan, then if you decide to continue with them, they charge a fee. Just do the 1st meeting and then implement the ideas that you like on your own. (just don’t fall for the annuity people)

    18. Dr. Anonymous*

      Trent at The Simple Dollar suggests figuring out what your goals are, what some typical emergencies are, and what your really fixed monthly expenses are. This gives you an idea how big your emergency fund should be, how much you want to have when you retire and when you want to retire, and then you can figure out what your goals for saving are, and budget reasonable guilt-free amounts for Other Stuff. You are already saving a lot more than most people but you don’t know if it’s adequate because you don’t have a really clear goal.

      Once I have 3-6 months of basic expenses and retirement contributions are maxed out, the rest goes into an index fund for me because retirement is a long way away and I can tolerate risk. For me I want to retire in ten more years with $X in the bank, and I feel okay spending some of the excess if I’m on track for that.

    19. Current*

      Your $80,000 is a good amount to have in an emergency fund. You should have 6 months in income plus some extra for “emergencies” like a new furnace/water heater etc.

      My advice is to figure out a couple of long term goals to save for with your remaining income – new car, house remodel, vacation or whatever is important to you and to put a regular amount into a savings account each month for those goals. Then let yourself spend the money once you have enough.

      If your mortgage has a PMI/mortgage insurance (typically for people who have less than 20% in equity), then you should put extra money towards your mortgage until you no longer need to pay for the mortgage insurance. Else do not prepay your mortgage because the mortgage interest is tax deductible.

      One thing I would also do is to put some of the $80,000 into a mutual fund. You can find mutual funds with a variety of “risk” levels. Choose the risk levels you feel comfortable with. You can access funds in case of an emergency within a couple of days and there is no reason to keep $80,000 in a low interest bearing savings account.

  39. matcha123*

    I’m wondering if I should try to get back with my ex. I broke up with him because I felt like he just didn’t care about me. He says he loves me, and has continued to, but he won’t stop or work on any of the things that I feel strongly about. I’m pretty sure he’s an alcoholic, he smokes, he doesn’t exercise, he seemed depressed most of the time we were together, he didn’t make much effort to engage in conversation with my friends or my family the one and only time he met them…
    I get that he is introverted, as am I, but I don’t want to take care of a large child.
    On the other hand, I’m hearing from other couples that their boyfriends and husbands are pretty similar: they have to be told multiple times to do things, they have bad habits, etc. I don’t know if he’s better or worse than average. Since I haven’t had much dating experience I don’t know. The dates I’ve been on since breaking up with him have been meh, with most men cutting communication after the first date. I feel comfortable with him, but I haven’t been able to depend on him. Plus, he doesn’t want to move to my country and I am tired of living in his.
    I am pretty lonely, too. And while I don’t need a boyfriend, I would like one…

    1. Youngandtired*

      I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but you broke up with him for a reason. You should never ever ever settle for someone who doesn’t deserve you. Someone who is absolutely perfect for you will come along, you just have to be a little patient. Maybe your friends are fine with their SO’s being that way, but you obviously weren’t and decided it would be better for you guys to be apart. Just hang in there!

    2. ainomiaka*

      what changed is always an important question to ask when thinking about getting back with an ex. Is anything going to be different if you get back with him? If you would sign up for more of the same, why did you break up? The second question can sound harsher than I specifically mean without tone, so I want to clarify-there can be lots of reasons that you broke up. And maybe you found out that breaking up didn’t give you what you wanted. But if nothing changed, you’re signing up for the exact same relationship, with maybe a little more doubt and lack of trust thrown in. Is that something you are okay with?

      I’m not one of those “never go back” people-I did break up with someone and get back together with him (we’re now married, got back together 10 years ago). But it was two years after we broke up, and we both had to change in those two years (right after college, figuring out how to set up lives as independent adults). So I knew what would likely be different.

      1. matcha123*

        I agree. If I knew for certain that things were going to be different, I might feel more confident in giving it a second go. I don’t want to push him to be something he isn’t because that would just stress him out. We did LDR for a few years and that’s when I broke it off. We live closer now and so there’s that on my mind, too.

        1. ainomiaka*

          I’m not hearing a lot of conviction that you think things will be different which is the bit that concerns me. I do agree that not be long distance can be a lot easier/different (though that has lead to a breakup for me). But if you aren’t convinced, I just don’t hear any excitement

    3. Overeducated*

      Everyone has bad habits. But if his tendencies and habits have made you unhappy enough to break up, they will probably make you unhappy again. Feeling like your partner is a large child you have to take care of is not normal. Dating sucks but at least you have the possibility of doing better, which you would not if you locked yourself in.

    4. WellRed*

      No! Why? Why? A depressed smoking alcoholic who shows you little to no consideration. From a different country. Is it time for you to relocate back home? Being lonely is hard, I can’t imagine being lonely in another country

    5. Kj*

      Are you OK with him being the way he is now throughout your entire relationship? Are you OK with staying in his country forever? Because people rarely change for their partners unless they really want to and he doesn’t seem to care.

      And I don’t know about your friends, but people tend to get spouses and partners they are willing to accept. People with higher standards get partners who meet those standards because they won’t accept anything less. It is OK to have things you don’t have high standards about. My husband isn’t very neat, which can drive me up a wall, BUT he does cook and do some chores. I’d say we share household tasks 50/50, although he cooks more and I clean more. And he willingly interacts with my family and is kind and takes care of his health. I knew the stuff he wasn’t great at when we met and I was OK with it, because they other stuff makes up for him not seeing dirt.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know if he’s better or worse than average.

      He’s worse than average:

      I’m pretty sure he’s an alcoholic, he smokes, he doesn’t exercise, he seemed depressed most of the time we were together, he didn’t make much effort to engage in conversation with my friends or my family the one and only time he met them…

      You can do better than this. Don’t go back to this ex.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have a hard line drawn, sobriety is a must. Life is hard. And it’s much harder with a partner who lacks mental clarity.
        I grew up in an alcoholic home. You can’t reason with someone who is drunk. Getting new bras was weeks of arguing. Life is unnecessarily hard when a person’s judgement is clouded. You deserve better than this.

        There are plenty of men out there who appreciate a partner who is sincere and works at life stuff. You can find these people, honest.

    7. Turtlewings*

      Just because lots of guys are crappy SO’s and their partners choose to put up with it, doesn’t mean you have to or should. So many men are permitted to remain, as you say, large children all their lives, by women who don’t want to be lonely (or just honestly love them too much to leave… but that doesn’t sound like the case here). As othes have said, you broke with him for a reason, and nothing’s actually changed. There ARE men out there who are actually adults. I recommend you forget this guy and go look for them.

      And, too, you don’t even have to judge him as some Unworthy Thing to not want to date him. It doesn’t sound like you really enjoyed being with him, you two just weren’t a great match, and you don’t have to justify that to anyone. Not wanting to be with someone is all the reason you need to… not be with him. You don’t have to convince a judge and jury. Go find someone you’re excited about, who is also excited about you!

      1. matcha123*

        It’s true. I felt a lot of stress when I was with him. We were both in stressful situations, but that can only excuse so much.

    8. Zona the Great*

      I’m going to tell you something I wish I knew sooner: don’t compare your relationship to friends’. You are settling because your friends may be settling. It is not okay not to be totally content in your love life. Wait for it to happen; you will not regret it. I wish I could tell all my friends just how great it is to be with my “one”—my destiny. Hold out for it. When you find him or her or they, you’ll know and you’ll wish you didn’t waste time on the non-one.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You’re considering getting back with an alcoholic manchild who refuses to take care of himself? Who refuses to do anything to materially improve his life? Why?

      What you need: the confidence and self respect to be happy alone until you find a real partner. Just because most of the examples you see are of children in the bodies of adults doesn’t mean that’s all that’s out there.

      1. matcha123*

        I am pretty fine being alone, I’ve spent the vast majority of my life single, so that part is fine. The being single part. But not having someone that I can call on has been difficult.
        He works from about 8 or 9 am until 10 or 11pm most days and spends his weekends sleeping. I know his commute is long and stressful, and the work stressful, so I feel like I should give him a break. But I also know that it’s not going to change.
        In this country, it seems like as long as the man is bringing home a good paycheck and isn’t abusive, there’s nothing to complain about. Even some friends in the US seem fine with partners who have to be told repeatedly to do tasks, as long as they bring home a good paycheck.
        I would like to find someone that matches be better. The dates I’ve gone on since breaking up have left me feeling stressed and like the energy has been drained from my body.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          The thing is – you’re not happy with it. That, by itself, is an excellent reason for breaking up with someone and staying broken up. You broke up with him because you don’t want to be with someone whose sole contributions to your shared life are 1) having a job and 2) not hitting you. If you get back together with him, you’ll still be unhappy, and he still won’t change.

          And while I do know guys who are barely-functioning manchildren who are looked after by their wives, I also know lots of guys who are functioning adults who are willing to put effort into their relationships. Everyone has bad habits, but in a good relationship the bad habits are outweighed by the pleasure you get from being with them.

        2. Julia*

          As someone living in Japan (and someone who vented about it last week!), I hear you on most women, even foreign ones, here going, “oh well, as long as he works…”, because that’s literally what most people do all the time. No one has the time or energy to go out, and you really do have to adjust your expectations to this country.

          I totally get that while you can live life on your own, sometimes you just want someone to depend on. I’m also not a fan of telling people they should be fine on their own; humans are social creatures and once our friends all couple up, life can get really lonely sometimes. But – and I’m really sorry – it doesn’t sound like this guy is someone you can rely on. And not wanting to live in each other’s countries won’t make this workable anyway.

          If you really want to give him another chance because you feel like he’s your best option (which I don’t think is true!!), can you make it conditional on him getting at least one of the above-mentioned problems under control? And if he slips back, give yourself permission to leave. But if you want to leave Japan soon, maybe getting back together now isn’t optimal anyway? What do you do if things surprisingly work out for you two?

          By the way, I’ll be staying in Japan for a bit and am not working yet, so if you’re in Tokyo, I want to be your friend!

          1. matcha123*

            I am in Tokyo, but I don’t know an easy way to contact you that’s not as public as this site. eek!
            I told him when we were dating and since that if he wanted a kind of open relationship thing, I could think about that. Or a deadline on the relationship. I don’t think he knows what he wants, and since the culture here is so much about the girlfriend catering to the man, I don’t think that he gets good advice from his friends or family, either.

            1. Julia*

              I have an email address that doesn’t give away my name and that I mostly use for signing up at different websites, so it’s used to spam.
              If you’re at all interested, please email me under turtle_fangirl23(at)yahoo.com.

              If you have a deadline for leaving Japan, I guess a short-term friends with benefits thing might work, but it sounds like he’s too busy and unreliable for even that?
              And I definitely hear you on the catering to men thing. Although to be fair, my German mother does it as well, so it’s not a purely Japanese thing.

        3. Observer*

          Well, this guy doesn’t sound like he’s someone you can count on. So getting back together is not going to give you what you are looking for.

        4. Mad Baggins*

          Hold out for someone better! There are men in Japan (and around the world), both Japanese and foreign, who are kind, sober, responsible, and emotionally intelligent. You do not have to settle for less!

          I would also be interested in a Tokyo meetup!

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I, personally, would not take this guy back. There’s no enthusiasm coming from your post at all. You’re settling, and that doesn’t make for a very good relationship. Add in that he doesn’t move to your country and you’re tired of living in his, and that’s a recipe for a lot of misery (and it is even without the living situation…).

    11. Ender*

      If you think he’s an alcoholic, don’t even try to get back with him. They are not “all like that”. Plenty of guys out there are not alcoholics.

    13. Washi*

      Honestly, the needs you’ve mentioned sound like they could be met by a good friend probably much better than this guy – someone to call on, someone you’re comfortable with, someone to spend time with. Those are all super valid things to want and making a close friend is easier said than done. But it doesn’t seem like this specific guy is the man of your dreams, or like you even like him that much.

    14. Parenthetically*

      “I’m hearing from other couples that their boyfriends and husbands are pretty similar: they have to be told multiple times to do things, they have bad habits, etc. I don’t know if he’s better or worse than average.”

      Those people have miserable boyfriends/husbands. And averages are irrelevant — what do YOU want in a partner?There’s more to a relationship than love, especially if his is the sort of love that dumps all the hard work and responsibility on the person he supposedly loves, and refuses to adjust even to your strongly-held positions.

      I know it’s a cliche, but better to be lonely when you’re by yourself than the uniquely awful kind of lonely you experience when the person who supposedly loves you is making you miserable in a relationship.

    15. Observer*

      It sounds like you need new friends as much as you need a DIFFERENT SO. Either they are complaining waaay too much about their SO’s or they have normalized really lousy relationships.

      It doesn’t matter how much someone says he loves you- if he won’t DO anything about it, then it’s the same thing as not loving you.

      Alcoholic? Deal breaker. Again, it doesn’t matter if this is an official diagnosis – if it walks and quacks like a duck, treat it like a duck.

      Depressed and won’t do anything about it? Legitimate deal breaker. (Yes, I know that he’s suffering. But there is no reason for matcha123 to take on the burden, especially when there doesn’t seem to be much in return.)

      Unreliable / Undependable? It depends on what you mean by that. But, if you mean that you can’t trust him to hold your interests as high as his, that you can’t depend on him to have your back, and / or that he fails to keep his word even in situations where it’s a big deal and could cause you hardship, then that’s a total deal breaker.

  40. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine’s thrift stores. So much fun to poke through and you never know what you’ll find. Most of my work wardrobe comes from goodwill.

    Of course it’s also disheartening to see how much we discard and how much sheer crap there is in the world, sigh.

    1. wingmaster*

      This reminds me that I need to go to the thrift store and buy myself a good denim jacket. I’ve collected a lot of patches and pins this past year and need to put them on!

      On the side note, have you heard of the movement Project333? I’ve been practicing this method in order to be more conscious in what clothes I buy/own.

    2. annakarina1*

      I like thrift stores too. I really hate clothes shopping, especially stores that blast club music while I’m looking at clothes, so I just prefer to browse in thrift stores to find some tops for cheap. I found a pretty Cynthia Rowley blouse that I’ve worn to work, as well as casual tees and tanks that I can either wear when I’m relaxing or when I work out.

    3. Waiting for the Sun*

      Love thrift stores too, and agree about the amount of crap in the world, lol. When I go to Goodwill I just look at clothes and purses. Don’t need any more knick-knacks, and all that discarded stuff is a downer.

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      My new truck. Well, new to me. I traded in late spouse’s town car, which I was never going to use, on a nice used pickup, which I needed. It was very hard to walk away from his car. And this was my first time buying a vehicle on my own, something spouse had always handled. So I don’t think I was as excited as the dealer would’ve expected. But I really do love the truck.

    5. Waiting for the Sun*

      Also: The T-Mobile boom speaker commercial with the dancing figurines. Runs during Better Call Saul, yet another love.

    6. foolofgrace*

      Re: thrift store clothing — yep, I love thrifts too, but be aware of the bedbug epidemic and wash immediately in very hot water anything you buy. I think also they recommend putting it in a hot dryer for at least an hour. Just sayin’.

    7. Kuododi*

      The thrift stores in my area don’t tend to have things in my size. ( Petite length and plus size.). What I have enjoyed about thrift stores is the classic jewelry that I would buy, cut apart and make something new. I will be thrilled when I get the surgery on my other hand so I can hopefully get back to making jewelry and playing piano. (Fingers crossed!!!)

    8. Anonymosity*

      I love the flea market. It’s the first place I go if I need anything like furniture (no soft stuff!) or a pot or pan. Plus I like to look at all the stuff even if I don’t buy anything. I often wish I had someone to go with, however; it’s much more fun if you have someone along to laugh with over ugly lamps.

      1. Child free*

        Oops, accidentally pressed submit too quickly! Mine is thrift stores for a diffeeent reason. I’ve been making trips each weekend to donate all of the excess stuff I had in my apartment, and my tidier apartment has improved my mental health. I actually just got back from my trip this week to Goodwill!

    10. Lemonworld*

      Nailed It! Am so enjoying watching it with my 7 year old. I am someone who is known for making ugly-but-delicious baked goods, so I love this show so much.

    11. Victoria, Please*

      I can’t say I love this, but Weight Watchers. I have a few more lbs to go and it’s a lot of work, but their plan is sure effective at least for my bog-standard body.

  41. Youngandtired*

    So let me start this off by saying I live in a ground floor apartment and, yes, I am 100% aware of the ramifications of noisy neighbors. I’ve lived in apartments pretty much my whole life so I’m used to that. I never expect neighbors to be perfectly quiet all the time, I sure as hell know I’m not especially with my 70 lb puppy. But I do everything I possibly can to keep the noise at a respectable level so that I don’t bother anyone on either side of me.

    Now that being said, my upstairs neighbor is DRIVING ME INSANE. Stomping at all hours of the night, and I’m not just talking 11pm here, I mean at 2 am – 7am. I think she might have kids because I hear running but it’s so late at night like 12:30am. I work a lot and very hard, with my hours beig 8am-8pm most days. Take into account me getting ready and taking my dog for a walk, I have to be up at around 6, 6:15am. I don’t get a lot of sleep, so when I can get it I need to. I also suffer from chronic migraines, which means I’m usually suffering from some awful migraine at least 4 days out of the week.

    I’ve been lucky enough to have some time off work recently but I’m not even able to sleep in past 7:30 because this evil human being upstairs is being the worst neighbor ever. This morning I was woken up at 6:30 by some LOUD pounding on the floor directly over my bedroom that went on for 45 minutes. And look, before anyone says “Oh cmon, stop being a baby, it can’t be that loud.” I have an air conditioning and two VERY loud fans on that drown out almost all noise. But it still can’t drown out the sadistic lady upstairs.

    Now most people’s first reaction is to tell me to report it. But guess what? The lady who lives above me….is the freaking building manager who handles all noise complaints and can easily make my life a living hell!

    Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? Please help me!!!

    1. Reba*

      She could make your life hell — does that mean you already know she is vindictive, or just that you know she has power here?

      What about approaching her, with a treat, go to the door (you know when she’s home, ha) and ask if you could talk with her about noise. Ask her to consider getting rugs, as a start. Tell her about the pounding noise, acknowledge yes sometimes things have to happen (assuming it was work of some kind…?) but keep in in reasonable hours.

      Good luck. The thing that helps me in a similar but much milder situation is to imagine that a giant parrot lives above me (Google “caique stomping”).

      1. Youngandtired*

        I already know she’s vindictive, I’ve heard horror stories about her from other people in my complex about how she totally abuses her power and just doesn’t do her job. I’ve experienced some minor instances myself, so I’m not too surprise by the stories I’ve been told.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Is she the owner? Does she work directly for the owner, or for a management company? She may not be the last word and if you’re desperate you may be able to get relief if she retaliates, especially if multiple tenants have complaints. Maybe check into that and line up your options in case it gets bad enough that you need to confront.

    2. WellRed*

      First floor dweller, here. I sympathize. I also remember being bewildered by complaints about noise when I was the one on the second floor. It’s just…magnified. obviously you’ve got a problem here, she sounds extra loud and possibly inconsiderate to boot.

      1. Youngandtired*

        Yeah like I said I’ve lived in apartments pretty much forever so I understand some noise, I hear the normal footsteps and everything which dont bother me because obviously she needs to walk around haha. But there is definitely some next level ridiculous noise going on that is not standard. From what I’ve heard and noticed about her, she just doesn’t care because she knows she’s in a position of some sort of power and can’t get in trouble

    3. KarentheLibrarian*

      No advice, just so much sympathy. I can’t even imagine having to deal with migraines on top of all that stomping and noise. My husband and I lived in a similar situation for two years–the people above us included a mom who worked nights, her SO, & their toddler. There was hardly any time when someone wasn’t stomping or running around. We had loud box-type fans in every room, ran the AC or heat even when we could have done without, etc. But once I started hearing it, I could never block it out and it drove me nuts. I hated being at home (and I’m an introvert, so that’s usually the place I most want to be). We were able to move to a townhouse after those two years, which helped a bit because at least we didn’t have anyone above us. However, the walls on both sides were really thin. I just do not understand how people can be so inconsiderate of others around them and not realize how loud they are. I know it may not possible and definitely isn’t an easy or cheap fix, but is it possible to move or request to move to a different apartment in the complex? Internet hugs if you want them!

    4. Gatomon*

      Honestly, I’d move. A noise complaint against the building manager just isn’t going to end well. During college I had a neighbor from hell and it was a miserable trying to get sleep when I didn’t even have to work 40+ hours a week. Since going through management isn’t an option in this case, and it’s unlikely the building manager is going to move at the end of their lease, I think you may need to look elsewhere.

      1. Youngandtired*

        I appreciate the internet hugs! Unfortunately I live in a pretty small complex (only 20 or so units) and they are all full up. Worst part is my lease isn’t up until next March and I just can’t afford to lose my deposit on top of moving expenses. I trying to save up as much money as possible since I work in freelance and I never know when I’m going to be out of work.

        1. Youngandtired*

          Whoops sorry, the “internet hugs” thing was supposed to go to Kate the librarian above you!

          But the rest of my comment still applies, it’s just not possible for me to move right now

          1. Gatomon*

            Well I can send internet hugs too!!

            I feel you, I’m trapped until January next to a crying dog… right after my previous neighbor with a crying puppy moved out. (This dog is actually much better than the last, but my tolerance for doggy neighbors is down to 0 right now.) I’m on the top floor now, but I went through 2 years in college beneath a woman who was selling herself for drug and alcohol money. She would stumble about trashed all day long and blast bad dance music, and at night her exploits were… quite vocal. Apartment life can be really rough sometimes. We just couldn’t afford to move, and since we were in college, had more hours to try and catch up on sleep.

            I’m trying to decide between risking a move in the height of snow season or another 6 month lease and toughing it out until next summer. Either way I’ve just started setting money aside for moving in case I can’t take it any longer. I love everything about apartment life, aside from the other people.

    6. persimmon*

      Assuming you can’t move or get her to quiet down, try a white noise app and some speakers. I use Relax Melodies, and it helped me get through the neighbor that would leave a big loud dog out barking all night during the summer. I know you already have the loud AC and fan, but with an app like this, you can try different noises and different pitches that may work better to drown out this specific thing. Also earplugs: my favorite are Hearos. But if you do want to try moving out earlier, it never hurts to ask the landlord: if they’re able to get someone else in quickly they may not mind letting you out of the lease (and maybe you can give them the feedback that the issue is this building manager).

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Yeah – we live next to some guys next to us who pound up and down the stairs (and slam the front door at 4 am when they get back in from the clubs) and we have thin walls – previously we had guys pounding up and down the stairs above us (not to mention the industrial fan next to our window). Concussive noise drives me BONKERS (next to obnoxious party music, but thats another topic).

      Definitely try talking to her first – phrased in a round about way that she may not realize she is walking heavily/the walls are thin/drilling at 2 am isn’t an acceptable social habit and see if you can find ways to solve the problem. If not then in order to survive try:

      1) For concussive noise you need something called brown noise to drown it out and counteract the sound waves (note: this is totally NOT scientific at all just based on random stuff Ive read on various blogs) – I use either ocean waves or we have a ‘lectrofan white noise generator (you can get them on Amazon) which I then set to “broken Motel 6 aircon unit” setting for an hour to help me get to sleep, on top of the fan in the room (though that is more for cooling).

      2) Learn to sleep with headphones on. There is an awesome product called Sleepphones where there are flat-ish speakers built into a headband you put around your head. You get to look like John McEnroe AND listen to ocean waves to fall asleep! But seriously – these things are a lifesaver for me, combined with the brown noise I can usually set aside thinking of next door being jerkwads for long enough to fall asleep, and the sounds keep the concussions from bothering me later in the evenings.

      3) This sounds awful but may have to happen – is there anywhere else in your apartment you can get some sleep? If you have to sleep on the couch is that a possibility?

      Barring all of the above I would look to break the lease if possible and move. It may have some penalties but no one deserves to live on edge all the time like this.

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      I once lived underneath a family that was crammed into a small studio apartment. They seemed to start each day by putting the beds away and then getting out chairs and tables, and they’d end each day in the same manner. They were eventually evicted for other reasons, and the new tenant was a drunk who came home every night at 2 AM and slopped and slammed around. I solved the problem by moving back in with my mother and saving up for a down payment rather than paying my own rent. I’ve given up on being able to live in apartments. This was helpful, I know.

    10. Chaordic One*

      These comments make me appreciate that one of my former apartment neighbors really wasn’t that bad. He would come home from work very late and wasn’t really noisy, but he would run the water all the time (like showering at 2 am) and was constantly flushing his toilet all night long). With our thin walls and floors I could hear everything. But in comparison to what you’ve described I didn’t have it so bad.

    11. valentine*

      Earplugs+noise-canceling headphones+Rainy Mood site or a narrator who puts you to sleep even when you want to stay awake. YouTube has many “x hours of y” sound videos.

    12. Prof_Murph*

      My sincere sympathies. I just moved to a ground floor apartment and have 2 people in the apartment above me. They are just living their lives, but I still get pretty annoyed when it seems like someone is doing laps around their bed at night. I can drive myself batty trying to figure out what the heck they are doing up there. It’s pretty normal apartment living stuff, but I’m sensitive to noise. I have an excellent white noise machine, and run two box fans in my bedroom. But the best thing I did was buy a pair of wireless noise cancelling headphones – the kind that cover your entire ear. These have made a HUGE difference in my life. They pair with bluetooth and I play soothing sounds via a white noise app (I like babbling brooks, waterfall type sounds). This really blocks things out. I have taken to wearing these while sleeping, as I was being woken up by footsteps above. I have Bose QuietComfort (these were the highest rated by several tech reviews) and they are pricey around $350 but I cannot tell you how much they have made a difference in my life and I wished I bought these years earlier. Do note that while they are called noise cancelling, they don’t block all sound. I sometimes watch tv with them on and you can hear some things. But paired with music or a white noise app, they can block out annoying sound. (Also, not trying to be an ad for Bose or anything, that’s just the pair I bought after doing research.)

  42. Where’s my coffee?*

    Any suggestions for a vacation with 2 grade school age kids? We want to take a trip for our anniversary in late October, but need to bring the kids (no great sitter options). Budget is somewhat flexible, but time is tight—probably 5 days or so total. Son dislikes Disneyland and theme parks in general. I don’t want to do camping or anything camping-ish.

    1. Youngandtired*

      I’m not sure where you are located, but I love finding little towns in the fall that have harvest festivals. There are places a couple hours away from me that have pick-your-own fruit (different berries, apples, etc) and some can even make whatever apples you pick into cider or pie or the most amazing apple butter. And of course they have pumpkins! Pretty much all of them have tons of stuff for the kids to do, like hayrides, petting zoos, different activities and shows on the weekends. Not sure if that’s something up your alley but my 8 year old sister and 4 year old cousin have a total blast

      1. Reba*

        Love this suggestion! I fondly remember trips to Michigan with my family in the summertime that included strawberry festivals, cherry festivals…. There should be lots of harvest activities almost anywhere.

        I was also going to suggest a beach house rental–unless your kids would be really disappointed by the water being too cold to swim. Should be cheaper in the off season and there are often still plenty of activities/things to visit like lighthouses and historical sites, migrating bird areas, etc. that can be interesting.

    2. matcha123*

      I think this kind of depends on their ages. If one is in first grade and the other in fifth, the things they will be able to do are going to differ a lot.
      My family didn’t do vacations when I was in elementary school, but some of the places that my friends went to (and enjoyed) were:
      Going to Toronto to see CATS, going to historical village/towns (ones with actors that are in period gear), going to museums (Smithsonian, etc.), going to NASA, going to planetariums, going to the zoo.
      Also, late-October is the perfect time for apple orchards, apple cider and cinnamon donuts and pumpkin patches.

    3. Kj*

      What about a child and adult friendly city? Air BnB for housing, do a local zoo, some shopping, parks, museums? Maybe a day trip from the city? My spouse and I go to Portland as a vacation every few years and when we have our kid, we will take them. Grade school age kids are pretty flexible on what they enjoy. We like Portland because it is easy to navigate via public transport, has a nice number of tourist things and is close to some day trip areas. The Oregon coast is also pretty and prices get lower in October, although the weather isn’t amazing. Astoria is a fun little town, it is where they filmed the Goonies and there is a film museum.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Portland Oregon has a zoo, OMSI (a science museum for children with hands on exhibits and experiments for kids of all ages, also has an IMAX theater), a Forestry Museum with stuff for kids, day trips to the coast (the Oregon Aquarium is on the coast in Newport, day trips to the mountains (might have snow – sledding and snowmen and fun), world of speed in Wilsonville (short ride away), food carts in an enormous variety for fun lunches, family fun center and bullwinkles restaurant (Wilsonville again), etc.

    4. Where’s my coffee?*

      Thanks—Hadn’t considered a harvest sort of thing—I’ll run it by the family. NASA also sounds cool…hmm.

    5. Ranon*

      How are they (and you all!) in museums, particularly kid friendly ones? There are a few major cities with a killer selection of museums that are also hits with kids – Chicago is the one that immediately comes to mind, but there are definitely others.

      There are also family friendly resort places that aren’t full-on theme parks but that have some kids focused activities like zip lines and other outdoor recreation but way more luxuries than camping would offer.

      1. heckofabecca*

        As a Bostonian I have to recommend Boston! We have an public transit that goes to the major museums: science museum (plus the MIT museum, which has awesome stuff too), Museum of Fine Arts, Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum… You can go to Salem if you love insane crowds XD There are also lovely parks, lots of historic sites, and a bunch of fun squares.

        Have fun wherever you end up going :D

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      DC has great museums (a lot of which are free) if you think your kids would enjoy that.

      2. Washi*

        And the zoo is free! The great thing about free stuff is if the kids are going crazy after 30 minutes, you can just leave instead of forcing yourselves to stay just because you spend like $80 on tickets. DC is also very pleasant temp and crowd wise in October, so you could also visit some parks like Roosevelt island and Great Falls tonget out of the city.

    7. CAA*

      Southern California is great in October and has plenty of non-theme park things to do. Northern California is also usually quite nice then. That’s a good month to visit San Francisco or Napa/Sonoma. Your kids can’t do wine tasting, but I always found the Napa wineries interesting anyway when I was a child.

      Deserts will probably still be quite hot, but if you like heat then Phoenix would be nice. If it’s not too camping-ish, maybe fly to Phoenix, drive up to Grand Canyon National Park and stay in one of the lodges. It might be too late to book accommodations there, but can’t hurt to check.

      Continuing around the southwest, how about Albuquerque and Santa Fe? Or the Utah National Parks?

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      I think anything will be fine as long as it’s possible for one of the kids to opt out of a given activity. I’m thinking back to when my family used to take an annual trip to Florida. It was just never really my thing (I hate the heat, I’m not a swimmer or outdoorsy in general, and my stomach is a bad match for even the mildest Disney rides) so I would be allowed to stay in the hotel room and read or watch TV. I’m sure my parents thought I was wasting my time and their money but it was the only way to keep everyone relatively happy.

      To answer what is perhaps the underlying question, you may need to give up any designs on having the trip be a beautiful memory-making journey for your family if you can’t figure out a trip that everyone’s going to enjoy.

    9. TiffIf*

      What about a national park or something similar–Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Niagara Falls, Luray Caverns (Virginia, I am still bitter that I was deemed too young to go when my parents went with my older sisters, younger sister and I got shoved off to Grandma’s house). There are a LOT of really awesome things to see and they don’t require camping. I am very much not a camping person. I went to Yellowstone and Grand Tetons this year, stayed in a hotel the whole time still had a fantastic time. Depending on where you are a really awesome one can be in easy driving distance.

    10. chi chan*

      If your kids like animals and such, a dude ranch is also an option. No need to drive around.

  43. I Love Thrawn*

    I have a question I have been wanting to ask recently…. Never been a drinker. I have had a few Sangria in my much earlier years, because it was sweet. But every single story, movie, TV show, or song, that has referenced tequila speaks of it as THE EBIL! Most recently, a Keith Urban country song. Which is prompting this question. Thoughts from those who have actually experienced it??

    1. BRR*

      So I can’t find evidence to support this but in college it was said tequila had a delayed effect and so you wouldn’t feel the effects and would drink more than you would otherwise.

        1. WellRed*

          Ha! Guess the caps threw me off. I like tequila but it definitely hits a little differently, a little more subtly than …bam! You’re in the potted plants. (At least they were my potted plants. In my own home).

    3. KR*

      Tequila makes a lot of people sick and doesn’t mix well with a lot of other types of alcohol or food. That might be why. I don’t drink tequila anymore because I Ultimately end up puking that night if I do.

      1. Teach*

        And this is why I have had tequila shots once in my life, am still occasionally called “Ralph” by that set of friends, and call that particular liquor “Ta-kill-ya.”

    4. Arya Parya*

      Because you drink tequila as a shot, it takes your body a while to process the alcohol. That means you don’t immediatly feel the effects and you’re more likely to do a couple or more shots of tequila and then get really sick when your body processes the alcohol.

      This really goes for all alcoholic drinks you drink in one go. If you down a beer in one go, you have the same effect. But I think tequila is most known for this, because of the salt – tequila – lemon ritual.

      1. Spotted and anon*

        Tequila can be slipped slowly straight, mixed with soda or used in many other drinks. I have never done it as a shot, though that’s the common perception.

    5. E*

      I think tequila also has an association of being a fun, party drink – college students on the beach in Mexico, etc, so it’s more likely to be drank at events where people are drinking a lot generally.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      There’s also a difference between cheap tequila and good tequila; as with most alcohol. The people complaining about the effects are likely drinking too much of the cheap stuff.

      1. Lora*

        THIS x1000.

        If you only ever drank Cuervo while on spring break, then yes, you will have the same feelings about tequila that I have about wine coolers and schnapps.

        If you drink good tequila, it’s like good whiskey – you don’t ruin the experience and it’s quite lovely.

    7. Canadian Natasha*

      Tequila=Margaritas and is therefore awesome. ;)
      I haven’t noticed any bias against tequila in my region so I don’t know why it would be considered worse (Although it isn’t one of the more popular liquors here since most people are more into gin/whiskey/bourbon mixed drinks or just plain wine or beer).

      1. jolene*

        Tequila causes some people to lose their minds. Quite apart from whether you do it in a shot or not. I’d be very careful. Gin can also really depress some people. And white wine is known in some UK circles as lady petrol. Everyone needs to know what their booze triggers are and avoid ’em.

    8. Ender*

      Never noticed much difference between tequila and other spirits. I think people tend to drink it when they want to get totally wasted hence it probably has a worse reputation.

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      Body chemistry is a funny thing. Vodka and whiskey don’t agree with my system but I can shoot tequila with the best of them.

    10. Anonymosity*

      I’ve only had tequila once. Long ago when I was living in my hometown again as a young adult, I worked nights in a local factory. My coworkers and I would go eat breakfast and then go out to the bar at the bowling alley after work–it opened early in the morning for night shift folks. We were hanging out there one day, after breakfast, and I had ONE beer. Then, someone encouraged me to try a shot of tequila.

      Shortly afterward, someone dropped me off downtown, and I went to my parents’ store. Right before I got there, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. I was DRUNK. Staggeringly, I-can’t-see-or-feel-my-face drunk. It was broad daylight, maybe around 11 am. I managed to chat for a minute and then walked home (it wasn’t far) and went straight to bed. I’m fairly certain my parents knew something was up, but they said nothing. I managed to sleep it off before I had to go to work again, thank God.

      Never again has that stuff passed my lips. Apparently, I cannot handle it.

    11. Chaordic One*

      When I was I in college I got really drunk on tequila. (I drank the worm.) I didn’t think I drank that much, but I ended up vomiting and had a terrible hangover the next day. For years after that the smell of tequila made me feel like I was going to retch.

    12. Apollo Warbucks*

      I saw a poster in a bar once that said “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor” which seems apt.

      I won’t touch the stuff after I woke up with a tattoo the last time I got carried away with it

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        … all these stories are confirming what the songs say about it, and that I’m right to avoid it. Also that tequila spawns some crazy things! Like tattoos. I hope you liked yours, at least.

  44. Kj*

    I’m in my last six weeks of pregnancy. I’m not nearly as miserable as I thought I’d be, but I am still tired all the time. Anyways, for those who have been there, what are some last minute things you wished you’d done before the baby arrived? I’m cleaning already, as I know that will go by the wayside when the kid arrives. I’m taking 6 weeks off after the kid is born, then will go back part-time.

    1. Anona*

      First time mom here, due in 1 week, baby coming 2 weeks max (eep!). A few things that we’re doing is getting some frozen meals (some that we made, some from family, some store bought). I’ve also automated some bills. I got paranoid this morning and made a shared google doc with info about bills & savings logins, just in case something bad happens in labor. Other than that, no idea! Interested to see responses. It’s hard getting things done when you’re tired.

      1. Kj*

        You are so right! My husband does the cooking around here, but I am thinking about doing a costco run so we are in good shape with some other frozen stuff.

      2. LilySparrow*

        For my first, we were in a tiny apartment, so I used my “nesting” energy to cook and freeze 6 weeks of healthy dinners that could be thawed and either dumped in the Crock-Pot or cooked in a casserole dish, no thinking, no stirring, one pan.

        It was awesome and I wish I’d done it for the second. But of course, for the second I was chasing a toddler all the time.

        If you are going to nurse, really spend some time with the lactation consultant and don’t be hesitant to go back with questions/issues or hire a private one or go to La Leche if you can. I was in a hurry to get home from the hospital, so I didn’t take enough advantage of those resources and wound up with a very difficult situation that could have been avoided. Some latch problems aren’t immediately obvious because you don’t know what it’s supposed to feel/look/sound like, and it may not be painful until it goes on a while or the drugs/endorphins are out of your system.

        Best of luck to you all three, and take all the help you can get!

      3. Lemonworld*

        Rest, relax, put the feet up as much as possible. Don’t go crazy on the prep unless it makes you feel better. We survived quite happily for the first few months on frozen pizza, birds-eye chicken breasts, and soup with half-baked rolls.
        Go the the movies or out to dinner, if you enjoy those kinds of activities. Enjoy the calm before “the storm.”
        Oh, and my two cents – if you go overdue, don’t listen to everyone’s well-meaning suggestions on how to make the baby arrive. I was +9 days, tried every suggestion except for castor oil (because SERIOUSLY, who wants the aftermath of castor oil in the middle of labor???), my water was accidentally broken when a relative squeezed by belly when trying to feel the baby kick, and I STILL had to be induced 36-hours later.
        Baby comes when baby is ready or when the medical professionals make it happen. I understand being excited and ready to meet the new center of universe, and at the same time, it’s worth enjoying and living in the moment that you’re in.

    3. Arya Parya*

      Our baby is 11 weeks now, so have recent experience.

      Seconding the freezing of dinners. That was a lifesaver for us the first few weeks.

      Also, go out (or stay in) and do some things with your SO. You won’t be able to do that easily anymore as soon as you have your baby.

      Get a haircut. It was 10 weeks before I found the time to do that, my hair was way longer than I like it.

    4. Ranon*

      Self care, relaxation, spontaneous plans. The necessary tasks will get done because they have to get done, even post baby, it’s the optional stuff that’s easier to push by the wayside.

      And if you’re doing meal prep (buying prepared frozen food totally counts) remember that breakfast is a meal too.

    5. Green Kangaroo*

      Set up a changing station on every floor of your home. You won’t want to have to carry baby up and down stairs for diaper changes. Also, it sounds weird, but buy more socks and underwear for everyone in your family; there tends to be so much baby laundry that getting everyone else’s clothes clean can be a challenge. If you have clean underwear and socks, it’s that much easier to put together an outfit! Have lots of comfy clothes, like yoga pants. Your maternity stuff will be too big, and your regular clothes may be too small for a while. If you end up with a C-section you will be glad to have non-binding things to wear.

    6. Gloucesterina*

      Congratulations Kj! If you like to read and/or listen to books or podcasts and the like, consider creating a virtual or physical queue of interesting things you can pull on in those odd times off from baby wrangling and catching up on sleep. I rediscovered the fun of reading novels when I was on family leave, and it’s a habit I’ve kept up, albeit very off and on, in subsequent years.

    7. That’s so strange*

      Have you got meals cooked? Try to get at least 2 weeks of meals cooked and frozen before baby comes.

    9. Cambridge Comma*

      I have a 9 month old with the second to be born in the next four weeks, so this is also on my mind.
      * Don’t assume you have 6 weeks. Our first arrived the morning of the day I was planning to start with the batch cooking.
      * Have extra carbs on hand because sleep deprivation plus breastfeeding will make you need them. If you like them, go for wholemeal carbs to keep you fuller longer, but don’t bother if you don’t really like them because you will need something that hits the spot.
      * Prepare food that can be eaten one handed.
      * Check the doors in your house for creaking and oil any that do. It is so annoying to wake up a sleeping baby as you leave the room.
      * Check that you have some water bottles. (When the baby comes, fill them and leave them in places you may become trapped under a sleeping baby. Breastfeeding makes you thirsty.)
      * This may be culturally specific, but insulated mugs to stop your tea going cold are a life saver.
      * Changes of clothes for the baby anywhere you plan to change him or her, for the inevitable escapes.
      * Stockpile stuff you will use more of by being at home all day. I could not believe how fast we got through a roll of toilet paper.
      * Make sure your other half knows how to do/find stuff you usually take care off as it’s annoying to try and describe the contents of a cupboard or how the washing machine works from memory three rooms away. We had divided our chores 50/50 by preference but that goes out of the window with a baby in the house.
      * Consider a headphone splitter so that you can still watch tv with your other half. We over-estimated how well the baby would sleep through tv and it’s isolating to be watching different things on a tablet. You lose so much physical contact with your partner in the first weeks and other ways of being close help.
      * If you can do online food shopping, set up your favourites list now to save time ordering.
      * If you are in restaurants or cafes in the next weeks, note which have a changing table. If you can get out of the house for a coffee, do it because in my experience it lifts your mood so much, but I’ve found that places don’t put their changing facilities on their websites.
      * Practice folding and unfolding the pram. It’s hard, and harder still to learn with a baby in one hand.
      * Don’t listen to people who tell you you will never sleep again. It gets better and you can cope with more than you think.
      * Put the next size up of clothes in an easy place to access. My daughter grew out of every piece of clothing in the first size overnight, and of course the next morning we had an early doctor’s appointment.
      * Maximize the space for photos on both of your phones and make sure you have an easy and reliable way to back up the new photos you take. Nothing worse than losing baby photos.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes to a water bottle everywhere you might sit down to nurse! I also kept a stash of snacks in my nightstand — I was RAVENOUS during night feeds the first few weeks. A costco-sized bag of mixed nuts and another one of mixed dried fruit kept me going.

    10. chi chan*

      If you are in the northern hemisphere, winter is on its way so make a plan if anyone of your family gets sick. Organize insurance stuff and all for that. Another thing to consider is alot of people also get pregnant again 4-6 months after giving birth. Breastfeeding is not completely reliable. Talk to your doctor about that.

    11. Observer*

      Make sure you have a reasonable amount of cloths for yourself that are comfortable and easy to clean. You’ll feel better if you’re dressed, even if it’s just getting out of nightclothes into a decent robe. But if you have the one robe or whatever that you can’t change out of when it gets cheesy (and it WILL) you’re going to feel really grungy. Also, if you don’t have a washer and dryer, find out where the closes laundromat that delivers (and preferably picks up and does your laundry) is. It’s a cost, but it’s still generally less expensive than dry cleaning.

  45. matcha123*

    Does anyone else feel a lot happier in the fall and winter? Summer has always been a drag for me. This year was awful; I had a number of health problems and felt incredibly depressed. There was/is also a heatwave that contributed to my health problems and totally knocked me out. It’s gotten a bit cooler and I immediately feel great. My health and mood improved as soon as the temperature dropped a few degrees.
    I notice I’m a lot happier in the fall and winter. So many people dread the cold and darker days of winter, but I dread the oppressive heat and humidity of summer!

      1. matcha123*

        I saw that one and didn’t want to hijack it, so posted here instead.
        I can hardly believe how immediate the positive change in my body was the moment the temps dropped and the thought of fall getting closer popped up in my mind!

    3. LCL*

      Me. Fall here is incredibly beautiful. 10 years ago I started skiing, and now I’m also euphoric about winter. Now I get a wee bit depressed at the start of spring because that is the end of ski season.

    4. nep*

      Ah…crisp, refreshing days.
      I hate extreme cold and slick icy roads, so I would do anything to avoid living through winter here. But give me fall air and cooler-weather clothing anytime. (I can’t stand dressing in super hot weather; it’s a big deal for me to wear short sleeves in public, much less a tank top–which I never wear.)
      I, also, feel completely drained in the heat. And I feel awful about how much electricity we all use with a/c when it’s super hot.

    5. Waiting for the Sun*

      Yes, looking forward to autumn.
      Summer isn’t as fun as it was in childhood. You’re not out of work the way you were out of school. Loved swimming and riding my bike, but extra weight and a couple of other issues make those activities difficult.
      I do like the extra daylight, though.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Oh me! mememmememe!

      I can’t tell you how happy I was to wake up this morning to crisp air and blue skies and thinking – damn, this is college football season weather! Having the sun set earlier and come up later (and therefore the cat sleeping later), being able to commute without dripping sweat on the way or the first hour at work, being able to wear the other 80% of my wardrobe and toss on some jeans or a big hoodie – LOVE IT.

      Tomorrow it is forecast to rain all day and be really chilly – we’ve decided to totally clean the kitchen (as in take stuff out of cupboards and rearrange, defrost the freezer) while we crock-pot some barbacoa beef. Ive got some recipes I want to bake and oh, I don’t know, just feel cozy in general. This would have been unthinkable a few weeks ago.

    7. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      I usually like summer but after this year, I am so ready for fall and colder temperatures and rain. It’s been a very hard summer and if one more person tells me I should be thankful for the great weather we had I will snap. 35C+ and virtually no rain for 3 months is not normal for this part of the world and no, I will not be thankful for a drought.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      The weather in my region is ridiculous, and getting worse in recent years. We shift between 0 degrees in the winter and 100 degrees in the summer, with humidity ranges also from 0% in the winter to 90+% in the summer. The extremes are incredibly hard on my joints and I get at least one bad pressure headache a week. Plus the humidity is murder on my hair and I just don’t feel good if I know I look like crap every single day for 3 months.

      1. Woman of a Certain Age*

        Me too. I grew up without air-conditioning in either our family’s house or cars and I wonder how we did it. I really notice that there seems to be a change in our local weather.

    9. Aphrodite*

      Oh god, yes. I love, adore, am crazy about, winter. And fall. I live for cool/cold temperatures, rain, fog, snow, etc. I absolutely come alive during that time. What many people feel about winter is exactly how I feel during summer. The heat and unusual humidity are killing me. And over time, like as now, I tend to feel ill because of the ongoing nature of heat.

      I love everything about the upcoming seasons and the holidays. Every. Single. Thing. I have my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner menus planned, I am already enjoying looking at autumnal merchandise online and in occasional stores. It’s coming. Not soon enough but at least it’s coming!

      1. matcha123*

        Oh, me! I love the holidays that pop up from October through February! I love Valentine’s Day candy more than the concept of couples’ love, and I love Thanksgiving and cider mills and everything about the end of the year!

    10. Julia*

      Japanese summers are brutal, and I get summer SAD in Japan (not usually in Europe). Feeling sloggish and tired can feel like depression, and then you feel more sloggish, and it’s an endless cycle. Especially since the sun goes up at 4 here, but down at 6.

      Winter has its own problems, but at least it feels normal to cozy up inside and wait it out, whereas in summer, I feel like everyone around is outside and having fun.

      1. matcha123*

        YES! I thought the typhoon last weekend would give us a break, but it just got hot again. Today was hot and humid. It’s like the weather is actively trying to turn me to a depressed mush!
        My room faces east and I wear an eye mask at night to block out the 4am sun. I’ve woken up so many times thinking I overslept only to find out that it was just 5am…

    11. Becky*

      My roommate is a LOT happier in fall and winter. She is outdoors a lot and sometimes she comes straight home and gets in the shower to “wash off the sunshine” (it isn’t really the sweat or anything, its the oppressive heat!) On the other hand she LIVES for snow.

    12. KayEss*

      I definitely like fall/winter and the cold more than the summer heat, but in the past few years I’ve started being deeply affected by the loss of light over the winter. So I’ll probably never be happy.

      This (i.e. September-ish) is the absolute worst time of year for me, though. As far as the shops and media are concerned, it’s fall, but the weather is still hitting 80s or possibly 90s. So all the worst of summer, but while I’m thinking about how it ought to be fall! And then we might get a couple days of 60s, just enough for a taste, but then it’s back to 80 and above! I basically spend all of September every year angry about the weather.

  46. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    I got rear-ended earlier in the week. I’m fine. And my car is mostly fine. Totally driveable. Took it to the body shop and am scheduled to bring it back after Labor Day. My insurance company has made it as painless as possible. But, man, such a hassle. So it’s a pizza and rom-com night tonight.

    And I know it’s unusual….but I really feel for the kid that hit me. He was so scared because his dad has gotten two DUIs in that car and he was terrified this would make it worse. The only thing he should have been worried about was being grounded.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        I’m planning on watching the Netflix made ones tonight – Set It Up, The Kissing Booth, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.

        Although, I’m toying with watching Practical Magic, too. Not a rom-com, per se. But I LOVE that movie.

      2. Lilo*

        For more Netflix – The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie movie was okay. Not great, not bad, just kinda okay. Fine for an evening.

        I kind of want to see Crazy Rich Asians, but for something that isn’t a visual spectacle, I usually just wait for it to be on tv or streaming.

      3. Amber Rose*

        I’ve always enjoyed 10 Things I Hate About You.

        Also Bandits. Its arguably more of a drama I guess, but I found it funny.

    2. fposte*

      I got rear-ended by a nice kid who was driving the family’s 1980s-era classic tank sedan. He was so relieved I was okay that he hugged me. I felt bad when it turned out the damage was sufficiently costly that I would have to go through insurance–but not so bad I didn’t do it.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Oh, I’m still going through insurance. I have to and this is what I pay them for.

        But, man. He should have only been worried that he hit someone. Not worried about the repercussions being worse because his dad’s an idiot.

    3. Amber Rose*

      I’ve never been hit by anyone I felt bad for, but then I’ve only been hit by people who should’ve gone to jail for recklessly dangerous driving.

      That said, I hit a truck earlier this yeae and it helped that the guy was compassionate and understanding. I don’t think it’s so unusual to worry about someone who’s upset when they just made a mistake.

      1. fposte*

        Weirdly, I’ve been hit twice and both times by nice people I had sympathy for. (The other rear-ending was just after a massive blizzard and the streets were ice, and guy just didn’t realize quite how bad the street was.) And the one time I hit somebody (backing away too quickly from a wide turner, so I backed into his front), he was really nice. “People are always hitting me,” he said breezily.

      2. Red Reader*

        Same, my car got totaled earlier this year by a teenager who was texting and driving and plowed into my stopped car at a stop light, going 50mph, without even tapping his brakes. Not only do I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, but since I just had to jump through hoops to change my insurance company (I lost my no-accident discount, even though it wasn’t my fault, what kind of stupid is that, and they were going to literally DOUBLE my premium), my last week has been a chorus of mental hostilities ventured upon Stupid Dennis Who Texts While Driving.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Ay-yi-yi. I happen to know the kid who rear-ended me was texting at stoplights, at the very least, and since I’ve kept track, using my rear-view mirror, of whether the person behind me is on their cellphone. If they are (they almost always are), I mentally mark them as an increased risk.

    4. Lady Jay*

      I also got rear-ended by a kid this week. My third accident; his first. He was very apologetic and flexible, which made things easier (in my first accident, the dude was an absolute a-hole who did not want to take blame for backing into me). This time, being the experienced one was weirdly empowering. I knew what to do, the order in which to do it, and walked the kid through each step. I felt a little badly, because at least in my accidents, I’ve never been at fault; kid’s gonna get hit hard by his insurance for rear-ending me.

      But overall, even with insurance covering the actual financial damages, being in an accident is kind of awful. It takes up *so much time* in an already busy period of my life.

    5. Colette*

      I was rear-ended in July, 3 days before I had a houseful of company coming. I’m mostly fine (minor wrist injury that sent me back to physio), but there’s just so much paperwork and running around.

      My sympathies, hope the process is as painless as possible.

  47. Free Meerkats*

    I’m home from Worldcon! A correction to last week’s post, I did win a Workmanship Award. It was the first one announced and I didn’t hear it because we were all being shuffled backstage at the time. So I didn’t get the presentation onstage, but got the rosette and certificate the next day. Here’s a link to an album of the official photos, taken just before I went onstage. https://www.instagram.com/p/BmrVfu7He0f/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1gepyxtoqs5m3 I already have the plan for my next competition costume in mind, now I need to relearn how to make chain mail.

    Two of the three friends down there I had planned on meeting had to cancel due to illness in their part.

    Next year is Dublin, Ireland, 2020 is Wellington, NZ, and 2021 will most likely be Washington, DC. I probably won’t go to Dublin, hope to go to NZ, and almost definitely go to DC.

    2. LizB*

      I was too tired to go to the masquerade this time, but I think I spotted you in the hallway the next day (my thought process: ooh, that dude’s hair is a great shade of pink… hey, I bet it’s Gene from AAM!).

      I wish I could go to NZ, but it’s very unlikely it’ll make financial sense for me. DC will likely be my next Worldcon.

    3. Ann O.*

      The Hello Kitty details! I didn’t see those in your earlier pictures, but I love them.

      The pink hair came out really well, too.

    6. Anonymosity*

      Congratulations!!

      I would LOVE to go to NZ but probably won’t get to. I’ve only been to very small cons, but I’d love to attend a big one sometime. Preferably as an author, with a book to flog!!

    9. LGC*

      Sanrio should be giving you all the money – this is the best ad for Hello Kitty I’ve ever seen.

      Also, I mostly kept it together until the last photo. I don’t think I noticed it last week, but the bow SLAYED me.

      Anyway – dude, congrats on the wins! And good luck with your next costume!

  48. Jessen*

    So the fussy little brat has now decided she will only eat the fish flavors of her wet food (Sheba), not the chicken or beef flavors. She’s also complaining because her dry food got discontinued and she doesn’t want to get another one.

    I swear that cat is so spoiled.

    1. Turtlewings*

      My dog’s new favorite trick is to refuse the food in her own bowl for 24+ hours, and then sneak food out of my sister’s dog’s bowl instead. They eat. The same. Food.

      Meanwhile, my sister’s OTHER dog sneaks around to steal MY dog’s food instead of eating her own super-expensive kidney-treatment food.

    2. Pieismyreligion*

      For 14 years my cat only ate tuna flavored foods and treats (and the occasional mouse when she was an outside cat). Now she is on a kidney diet that only comes in chicken, which she took to eating without problem. But she’ll stop eating it halfway through the (small) bag. I’m concerned it gets somewhat stale and then I’m like “you’re a cat, you can eat mice you can eat stale food”. She is a princess.

    3. Windchime*

      My cat will only eat fish-flavored wet food, too. And not salmon; apparently salmon is yucky to him. And it must be pate; the chunky stuff with gravy is a no-go. He’s the pickiest cat I know; he only likes one brand/flavor of treats and he starved himself when I tried to switch him to prescription food.

  49. annakarina1*

    Does anyone ever feel like they’re in a rut, like they already accomplished a lot and don’t know what else to do?

    I’m turning 35 this fall, and I feel like I’ve done a lot, and don’t know what new things to do. I accomplished goals of getting my MLS a few years ago; worked hard to find a stable job and have been happy in my job for the past year and a half; traveled overseas for the first time to Paris two years ago and am going on a work trip to Montreal this fall; dated a lot this year and had ups and downs; feel better physically even if I’m not at the weight I want to be at; am happy in my home and taking care of my cat; and have my passions and interests to stay busy and have an active social life.

    I feel “old” at my age, like so much older than the current young millennial generation, and feel like I don’t know what else to accomplish or work towards. I feel in a rut of just living, and not having any immediate goals in my life, or new things to handle.

    I guess I’m just looking for advice about dealing with life when it feels like you’ve already accomplished major stuff and are just coasting, and feeling like you’re “done” at a youngish age.

    1. Free Meerkats*

      Take up a hobby with a steep learning curve but clear goals/accomplishment points. Two that come to mind that I’ve done are flying and scuba. Both will require both mental and physical learning and have some clear step goals. They also can be done and skills improved for the rest of your life.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Sometimes you’re in a fallow phase. This too shall pass. Maybe use this “meh” time to build up good karma by being extra supportive of friends and family, learning some new skill even if you’re not all that excited about it. Eventually something or someone (not necessarily a romantic interest) will come along that stokes your fire.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      A language? I’m learning Italian on Duolingo. My mom spends time in Italy so I’ll be visiting her a bit.

    4. Jessen*

      You could consider taking up volunteering as well, if it fits into your life. I think some people enjoy the sense that they’re making a bit of the world better by helping out. It’s not an accomplishment in the sense of a new challenge, but it can feel like you’re doing or producing something important.

      1. Woodswoman*

        I second volunteering. In my experience, there’s a shift in perspective about life that comes from contributing your time to help others. For me, I work in the nonprofit environmental field and wanted to volunteer for something that had nothing to do with my job. Instead, I signed up to volunteer for two hours a week on a national hotline as a peer counselor. I found that rewarding to connect with people one on one and help them out. I think the key to success for volunteering is finding a cause that means something to you.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      This is something I’m encountering in myself and my social circle. There’s no “map” for people, particularly women, who don’t have children by a certain age. If I asked my mom whether she was fulfilled at my age (33), she’d tell me that she was busy with 4 kids and had neither the time nor energy to sit and ponder the mysteries of her own human consciousness and cognition, or whatever. Even TV shows depicting women over 30 usually just show them working the sort of made-up jobs wherein its’ normal to never go home and grapple with life outside of the SVU.

      This might be one of the reasons for the explosion in expensive crafting hobbies. What else are we supposed to do with our time and hard-earned money?

      1. Ranon*

        Run for office?

        I have a kiddo and one of the things I still struggle with is how much time I used to give to my other communities that now goes to the kiddo- I think anchoring yourself in a larger community whether it’s through a hobby, volunteering, religious practice, politics, etc. is a way to find meaning. Humans are social creatures- expecting yourself to manifest meaning out of thin air is a pretty big ask.

    6. Dr. Anonymous*

      Been there a few times–once as a librarian and recently after going through med school and residency. My thought is that you’re just resting. Enjoy your life for a little bit and check in with yourself later to see if you have more dreams in you yet. I’m kind of hoping I’m done for a while.

    7. matcha123*

      I am the same, and we are turning the same age about the same time :)
      I feel like I’ve accomplished the few small goals I’ve had since childhood. With that said, I love studying and I’ve decided to find online courses or clubs that I can join to help me study something and work toward that.
      I think we have to continuously push ourselves to find new goals and things to get excited and motivated about. Even if those things are “weird” like…collecting stamps or something. I might as well try to blog about something I’m a little interested in. And if I’m blogging, I should learn more about SEO and if I’m doing that, then…
      You can see how things can connect and give us more goals than our original tiny one.

  50. Waiting for the Sun*

    Mensa test
    Working up my nerve to take the Mensa test in October. Would logic puzzles help? I took the LSAT in the 1990s and improved my score dramatically by doing practice tests of the logic section. Didn’t end up going to law school, BTW – get my justice groove on in other ways.

    1. Lilo*

      I am not a Mensa member, but I am a lawyer and I remember just hating those LSAT puzzles. Once you learned the trick to them, they were fine, but it felt like a total non sequitur to everything that actually mattered to being a lawyer.

      The thing about the Mensa test is that it’s really just for fun, right? So do what’s fun and don’t stress it. Because the results really don’t matter. I used to do a lot of Logic Puzzles with my dad as a kid (mostly out of The Lady of the Tiger book) and it was fun. As long as you’re enjoying it, it’s worth it.

    2. fposte*

      I love those puzzles :-).

      What are you looking to get out of Mensa? It’s not usually required for anything, so if you’re stressed about doing it, maybe it’s worth considering not doing it.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        There’s a local Mensa group I’d like to join, for socializing. It meets at my church and a couple of my church friends are members. I can go as a guest, but if I don’t try I’ll always wonder.

    3. OperaArt*

      I’m going to out myself as a Mensa member.
      1. Mensa has a practice test online. If you do well in that, the real test should be fine.
      2. Mensa also offers a “culture fair test battery” for people who would prefer that to the traditional style test.
      3. You might be able to skip the test altogether if you’ve taken another qualifying test in the past. Your LSAT score might already qualify you. Go to the Mensa site to see their list of allowed tests. I got in with my SAT score.

        1. jolene*

          Seconding the question about why you’re doing this. People can tell if you’re intelligent just by talking to you for five minutes. You’d do better to find a group where people show they’re intelligent by their lively and scintillating conversation, rather than one that’s pre-selected in this way by a test.

        2. tangerineRose*

          Check the Mensa web site – if you took your SAT tests during certain years, and scored over a certain amount, that gets you in too.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        For the standardized tests, what score you qualify with definitely depends on when you took it, but the list was pretty complete, in terms of scores for each test for each version, when I looked at it years ago.

        There are other online IQ tests if you want to get a sense of what those are like. I know I took a free one years ago that appeared to be accurate (at least I scored the same as my official IQ test from when I was a kid).

  51. Free Meerkats*

    On the way home from Worldcon, I stopped by some friends’ in Central Oregon to say hi and show off some costume stuff. While we were chatting, their cat, who really loves me for some reason, decided he needed lap time. When we were there last year for the eclipse, every time I sat down, he appeared in my lap.

    So I took a short video of happy lap cat. Here’s Mister Bee https://photos.app.goo.gl/hB4FE5G1Y1biT5aE8

    1. fposte*

      I wasn’t expecting the paw reach. With the contrast of your luminous pink beard, that is really a delightful video.

    2. Kuododi*

      Between your lovely pink beard and the beautiful cat without a care in the world my heart just melted and went “pitter-pat”. How soothing:). Blessings to you and your feline friend.

  52. Tank*

    What are some good ways to respond to someone in my friend circle (who I’m not close friends with but they’re still friends) when they say something rude about overweight people? Recently this girl who is usually a kind person was talking about how she went somewhere and she saw this whale (an obese person) doing something inoffensive to others but noticeable. I really didn’t like the way she was making fun of overweight people and I’ve never heard her make fun of people otherwise. What can I say in this situation? I told her I would never use that word to describe someone and she was a bit surprised I said that but I’m not sure the message really got through to her. I guess people think it’s safe to say such things to me because I’ve always been skinny without trying but I don’t like putting others down because of their bodies. I was teased because of my looks as a teen (nothing to do with weight) and I know how hurtful it is. When in a group conversation how can I say something that makes it clear that what the person just said is unacceptable but without chastising them and starting an argument?

    I’m sure the girl in question would never say anything racist for instance but somehow fatness is an acceptable thing to mock. I want to be a voice of change but I don’t want to alienate people by being preachy on a night out.

    1. CTT*

      I’m a big fan of the Carolyn Hax “wow.” response when someone says something awful. Since you’re worried it may not have gotten through to her last time, maybe amend it to “wow, I can’t believe you said that.” It may be calling more attention to it than you want, but it’s important to address things in the moment, and this does that quickly.

      1. Tank*

        This sounds a bit harsh though. It’s very good advice for other situations but I’m on good terms with her and I don’t want to be adversarial, not hanging out with her is not an option either.

        1. CTT*

          I agree that it’s harsh, but sometimes you need to do that with people. What you initially said to her was the perfect way to address it without attacking or shaming; I think you can continue doing that, but if she keeps going forward with it and if you want her to stop, then you might have to be harsh. I will admit I’ve been guilty of not realizing fat-shaming was happening in the moment, especially when people use more coded terms, but calling someone an animal is unequivocally awful. If she’s going to continue being that mean to people, she needs to see that it impacts how people see her.

        2. Lissa*

          I’m not a fan of “wow”, but to be honest that’s because it is the sort of thing that people said to me when I said something dumb/not cool when I was younger….it reads snarky and not helpful to me. Though I know many people LOVE it, and swear by it, so I think I’m in the minority here. I just feel like it isn’t really addressing what the problem is with what was said, but is more about putting the person who said the thing down.

          Personally I’d be like “whoa, harsh!” or “yiiiikes, too far!” when someone says something like that, but then I’m a very casual person and for me to be like “I prefer not to hear body-shaming remarks” would sound very unnatural from me, so I think it depends on your personality and what sounds right coming from you. I think the important thing is that you say *something*, not exactly what it is.

          1. Alianora*

            Good examples! I agree with you about the “wow.” In addition to what you said, it’s vague and can be interpreted in a lot of different ways. Someone who doesn’t see anything wrong with what they’re saying may not take your meaning.

    2. Phoenix Programmer*

      I think you handled it perfectly. Some other non preachy things to say would be:
      “I don’t understand what she did wrong. Why are you complaining about her?”
      “Wow. Did you just call her a whale?”
      “I’m not interested in rude stories about people’s weight. Let’s move on.”

        1. Woodswoman*

          I think these suggested comments are good for part one of how to respond. Since you’re talking about someone who’s a friend, I think there’s a part two conversation you can have after the fact. It’s important to respond to the conversation in the moment, and I think it’s equally important to follow up later on one on one, when they’re not in front of other people and may be able to take in what they didn’t understand at the time when you mentioned it.

          The way you explained your concern here seems appropriate to share in that conversation, “I know you’re a kind person and wouldn’t want to hurt someone on purpose. So I want to talk about what you said the other day. I was teased because of my looks as a teen and I know how hurtful it is.” That’s a suggested opener for a dialogue.

          1. Tank*

            I don’t ever hang out with her one on one actually and I’m not that close, she’s just part of a group of people I hang out with.

    3. fposte*

      Another tack to take, and often a truthful one, is to point out that they’re falling below their own standards. “Usually you’re very compassionate, so it’s weird to hear you use a term that’s mean.”

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      I find that “c’mon, don’t be a dick,” works for a lot of stuff. Or specifically for fat stuff, “what’re we making fun of fat people for – did we turn into middle school mean girls?”

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Well then it works great. “C’mon, if your students said something like that, you’d tell them to stop being jerks – and what you’d really mean was ‘stop being spiteful little bitches.’ Same rules for us.”

    5. Marthooh*

      “I told her I would never use that word to describe someone and she was a bit surprised I said that but I’m not sure the message really got through to her.”

      I think what you said was perfect! You don’t have to get the message through in the moment — trust that a kind person will learn over time, as she reflects on her own behavior and on the way you and others react to it.

    6. Operational Chaos*

      “Why do you think it’s okay to talk about other people like that?” Puts her on the spot and makes it clear you’re not interested in tolerating that kind of behavior.

    7. Anonymosity*

      You can call people out on that crap without being harsh or preachy. It’s mostly a matter of tone. I just had to do this on Twitter yesterday. I was reading the replies on a rather hilarious political joke and someone made a comment about a female public figure looking transgender, meaning to denigrate her. I don’t like the person she was referring to, but I couldn’t let that pass. I just said. “Hey, please don’t use being transgender as an insult. It’s hurtful to a lot of people.” This morning, I looked and the person had apologized and said they would be more careful in the future. I said “Good deal, we learn something every day” with a smiley face.

      You can say something lightly, like, “Hey, Sardinia, remarks like that about someone’s body can be really hurtful. I know you wouldn’t want to be deliberately cruel.”

    8. LilySparrow*

      “Wow, that was mean. Please don’t talk that way about people’s bodies in front of me.”

      I have found that a short statement of surprised disapproval seems to affect people more than any kind of lecture or detailed explanation. The longer they listen, the more time they have for their defenses to go up.

      By keeping it short and clear, they are more likely to think about what they said and worry they have lost the good opinion of someone they like.

  53. Phoenix Programmer*

    Man this Summer! Had my nephew N for the month of July. It did not go well mainly because my sister lied about how bad her boyfriend was.

    Then the day after N returned home we found out we had miscarried our first. It was awful and to make it worse the region I live is anti-abortion so instead of getting a D&C procedure which would have let me sleep through it and cost 1/10th as much, I had to be induced to labor the fetus. 27 hours of hell. That was pretty much our August.

    We were just starting to recover and we get the text this morning that hubby’s dog died. He’s devestated and it’s the last thing we needed but it’s what it is.

    Fall can’t come fast enough. I’m not cool for this Summer at all.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Aw, I am so sorry. This really sucks.
      I hope something really neat happens for you guys this fall.

    3. Green Kangaroo*

      Holy sh*t. I don’t care where anyone is on the abortion spectrum, NO ONE should find this situation acceptable. What is happening in this country?

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        That’s pretty much my new political gial. Divorcing miscarriage and abortion. I don’t think most people realize that when they blanket oppose abortion procedures they are also opposing helpful miscarriage procedures.

        1. Waiting for the Sun*

          +100
          Reminded if the viral news story of a pharmacist who refused a prescription for a woman in I guess the same situation. :<

        2. That’s so strange*

          That is so weird. Where do you live? I’ve never heard of a country that bans d&c on a dead fetus. Abortion is where you kill the fetus – not getting rid of an already dead fetus. Banning a d&c on a dead fetus because a d&c could kill a living one is like banning burying a dead body because burying could kill a living one. Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

          Also, inducing can be a method of abortion so how on earth does that make the cut re what’s “allowed”?

          I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the worst thing. Hugs.

          1. Phoenix Programmer*

            It’s more like, because the procedure is used for abortion there is a lot of stigma on the community so service providers just don’t offer the procedure or hire Drs trained in it. I’m near KC amd was surprised no one could perform this on a 14 week fetus.

          2. OBMD*

            The issue is the type of procedure. A “D&C “ is done up to 12 weeks and most OB-GYN s can do this. However, a “D&E” is done for more advanced pregnancy losses and requires special training. Most gynecologists who do this procedure, get this training doing abortions. So if you live in a state that has a lot of abortion restrictions, there can be no physician with the ability to do the procedure. Phoenix’s comment about having to go through labor makes me think she was in her second trimester when she miscarried.

        3. Lilo*

          Or the death of Sativa Halappanavar in Ireland. My mom told me something similar happened to her dad’s sister back in the 30s (she was having a miscarriage but they wouldn’t terminate because it was illegal back then and she died). Hence why my super-religious father-of-9 grandfather was always super pro abortion rights.

        4. Lora*

          I grew up in a red state, surrounded by people who are very religious and very anti-abortion in public (though they felt THEIR abortion was totally different, of course).

          They don’t care if it hurts women who need to not die of sepsis while miscarrying. It’s not about a rational thought process, really. I mean, you can try, but it’s probably a lot easier to just move somewhere that First World level medical care is available.

          I’m sorry, this sucks. Hoping you recover quickly and your autumn is a lot better.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Oh, gosh. I remember your posts about N.

      I am so sorry about your miscarriage and the horrible medical situation you found yourself in. Take care of yourself.

    5. King Friday XIII*

      I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through that. I hope Autumn brings better times for you.

    8. Kuododi*

      Oh my dear, you are in my heart. May the Holy One bless, preserve and keep you now and forever more.

    11. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Oh. I am so so sorry. Losing a baby is so utterly dreadful anyway. I chose to take the meds to bring on labour and it was fucking awful.

      I am so sorry about the dog, too. What a clusterfuck.

      Thinking of you all.

    12. Observer*

      What a tough summer. I hope your winter is as good as your summer was bad.

      I will say that as difficult as your time with N was, it seems to me that you still did him a LOT of good. Having him see a male role model who doesn’t act the way all of his “daddy’s” did, even when he was lashing out is something can help to ground him as he grows up. He’ll KNOW that it actually IS possible for a grown man to be decent, even to the kids in their orbit.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Hubby and I plan to have him back next summer if we can afford it. He is doing better in school so far. And we are closer than ever so as hard as it was I was glad we could do it too!

    13. LCL*

      I’m sorry that you lost your child and had to go through additional pain because of where you live. And I’m sorry about hubby’s old dog.

  54. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Worst children’s books? I recently read “The Old Man and the Bear” from a pile of donated kid’s books.

    The old man dies. The bear dies. The little bird that can’t sing dies too. No, wait, “an angel carried them off to the stars.”

    Any doozies you’ve read?

    1. Nina*

      So many children’s book are downright brutal. Half of Hans Christian Andersen’s stories should come with some sort of warning – I had an illustrated version of ‘Little Match Girl’, no amount of talk about the beauty of Heaven made it any less upsetting. Same for stuff by Oscar Wilde. Why do so many stories end with talk about Heaven?

      1. fposte*

        Non-rhetorically: because adults often struggle mightily with how to talk to kids about death, and Wilde and Andersen wrote in eras where a ton of kids died. They also both wrote literary fairy tales, which have slightly different genre rules. I also believe The Old Man and the Bear is by a German author, and children’s lit tastes and conventions are often very national.

        Admittedly, it’s slightly cheating for me to talk about this here, because this is my work :-). But for me the worst ones feel obliged to rhyme but have no idea that scansion is a thing, and feel they must Teach an Important Lesson, usually about Being Yourself or Keeping Safe. There’s a legendary manuscript from a famous editor’s slush pile called “Irving, the Ice Cube that Wanted to Be a Cowboy.” That’s right up there with the famous “LaTawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs.”

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Yes, a German author. I did wonder if it was a German thing. Also, why they bothered to translate it.

          Those sound quite awful.

          1. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

            I will never forget a children’s lit class in Sweden where all of us German ERASMUS students starting talking about the classic tales of our childhood and the professor just grew more and more quiet: “ Oh that’s… that’s quite brutal. And then they cut off his thumbs? Well that’s violent. Oh she… goes up in flames and dies? … Wait they end up as duck food? Uhm… okay…”

            1. fposte*

              There was an amazing musical done of those in London, a mix of puppets and live action. I laughed so hard my face hurt.

              Looks like there are clips on YouTube—look for Shockheaded Peter and the Tiger Lillies. (Yes, with two Ls.)

        2. Myrin*

          Yeah, I was just thinking that this sounds like a pretty normal children’s story (I don’t know this particular book but I know Janosch, of course, even though I don’t generally like his stories and characters). When you grow up with that stuff, it just appears much less gruesome to you. I mean, it’s still sad and a happy ending would be preferred but I think this kind of storytelling has a much bigger emotional impact on adults from a different culture than on children who are born into it.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I do feel fairy tales you are expecting a bit of grimness. And they are often very abstract- ‘then they chopped up the evil witch and fed her to the dogs’ type thing. Which never bothered me.

        Hans Christian Andersen is a lot more descriptive, and definitely tug the heart strings. I guess I never really thought of them as little kid’s books though, perhaps because our copy was a whole volume with only a few illustrations. Who wants to see a picture of a little girl dying?

        But this had adorable pictures! And the old man saved the little bird!

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Don’t remember the name, but I saw a book about children in developing countries contrasted with American/first-world children. Guilt-laden: “Johnny likes toys. Juan and his family work hard all day to make toys.” Not a direct quote, but that kind of thing.
      You can teach children about the world without making them feel guilty for being born. When people are this heavy-handed with social justice, I think they care more about making other people squirm than they do about the issue.

      2. KayEss*

        I think The Giving Tree is really interesting in its insidiousness. I mean, I don’t think Shel Silverstein meant it this way, but even as a child being read that book… well, I instinctively knew that, as a girl, I was on the wrong end of the boy/tree dynamic. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who was read that as a child and felt warmly about it.

      3. Mobuy*

        I hate this book! The tree gives and gives until she is NOTHING! And then we find out she didn’t really make the boy happy either! I don’t usually use this many exclamation points, but I feel very strongly about my hatred for this book.

    4. foolofgrace*

      My pet peeve about fairy tales is that as a young girl I was brought up to expect Prince Charming to rescue me and we’d live happily ever after. There’s way too much of that. Rude awakening when you grow up, as if females need rescuing anyway. Bad role model, IMO.

      1. Woodswoman*

        I hear you. I recommend a wonderful book as an antidote, The Paper Bag Princess, fun read even as an adult. The princess saves the prince from the dragon instead, and stands up for herself when he pulls attitude about her attire afterward. Fun read with great illustrations.

        1. Kuododi*

          I have a copy of that book!!! I love, love, love it!!!!!! I have been known to pull that book off the shelf when I would be doing therapy work with younger female trauma survivors who were making good progress in their journey. We would read the book to help reinforce positive strengths she had been gaining during recovery. +1000

        2. Julia*

          You might also like Dealing with Dragons by Patricia Wrede then. Self-reliant princess trying to get rid of a bumbling prince while saving the Enchanted Forest.

      2. Stellaaaaa*

        I’ve read that Beauty and the Beast is about preparing young girls to marry hideous, cruel older men. There’s a handsome, kind prince inside!

    6. CAA*

      I hate “Rainbow Fish”. This book was a gift to my daughter, but it went to the library book sale donation pile after one reading. A fish was born with some shiny scales that make him beautiful, and he is proud of the way he looks, but all the other fish are jealous. In order to make friends, he gives away his scales so that he will look the same as everyone else.

      We also had a super creepy one from the library once called “Love You Forever”. Let’s just say that I believe you can love someone, even your child, without stalking them!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Oh man, we have a gifted copy of “Love You Forever” and I tried reading that once. Choked up, couldn’t speak, never opened it again. Hormones, not because I loved it so much, I was really upset by the whole thing.

        I have donated so many unreadable books, I can’t remember them all. My criteria for keeping a book is a) has to be non-religious and b) has to be written as an actual story that makes sense. One of the worst was both religious and horribly written – it involved a puppy going to play in a field (with his mom’s permission!) and staying out past lunch time. Puppy ran right home and his mom gave him a HUGE guilt trip about running away (he didn’t!) and made him promise to NEVER make her worry again (um, what?). It cited a Bible quote but not even the one about obeying one’s parents, a different one that was a big stretch to tie to the situation in the book. Wow.

        Also, every book tied to a toy line, kids’ cartoon, or Sesame Street that is just a commercial in board book form. Sesame Street is a huge offender, there are some complete garbage books being sold purely because they feature the characters but the content is total crap.

      2. Kuododi*

        Oh Eeesh!!! Mom gave little sister and I copies of “Love You Forever” with this horribly maudlin inscription on the front cover. :(. This was quite a few Christmases ago. The story still creeps me out. On a related topic…DH would use a children’s book titled “The Fall of Freddy the Leaf “. The characters in the story are all leaves on a tree and the story approaches the issue of death as a process one goes through like the four seasons of nature. Very peaceful story and in no way preachy or scary.

        1. Kuododi*

          I just realized I left out some pertinent information on my post about “The Fall of Freddy the Leaf.” For about 12 years of our marriage DH served as a Hospice chaplain in different parts of SE USA. When he was doing Bereavement work with families and needed to have material for younger children he would use that particular book bc he felt it had an easy to grasp, low anxiety explaination of the process of death without being particularly hyper-religious or “spooky.” Hope that clears up some stuff….a pox on antihistamine side effects;(

      3. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I loathe “Love You Forever,” but my MIL (a) loves it, and (b) is extremely forgetful, therefore we have 5 copies of it. (Side note, we have no children, by choice, and she knows that, so these were all gifts for us, her adult child/child-in-law.)

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      The Narnia books have some weirdness in them. I was raised Jewish and these days I’m pretty much an atheist but for some reason I don’t mind the Narnia books. Sometimes it’s nice to revisit stories about good people who are rewarded in ways that matter to them. Still, the ending for the little mouse in Dawn Treader is sad and unnecessary, and the ending of the whole series is a whole lot of stunning language and imagery masking a pretty brutal depiction of the apocalypse.

    8. Woman of a Certain Age*

      I’m still scarred from “Where the Red Fern Grows,” “Old Yeller,” and “The Fox and the Hound.” (Maybe the last one is more of a grownup book.)

        1. Windchime*

          The part where the accident with the ax was described was very scary to me as a child. When I re-read it in early adulthood, it wasn’t nearly as scary but it seemed really gruesome when I was young.

      3. Mephyle*

        Old Yeller, indeed.
        The Fox and the Hound was such a cute Disney movie… it was a shock to find out how different the book was. Adult definitely, and a sad, melancholy ending.

    9. Mephyle*

      The Mouse and His Child by Russell Hoban is almost universally taken to be a children’s book, since the characters are all talking animals and toys, and the author later went on to write many beloved children’s books. However, he didn’t intend it as a children’s book. It was his first book and he is quoted as saying that he just wrote it without thinking about who it was for, and not particularly for children.
      Considered as a children’s book, it is rather dark and somewhat graphic (implied violence) in places. An excellent read for adults, though.

  55. anon for this*

    My girlfriend and I have somewhat different cleanliness standards–she likes to leave her stuff lying around and basically likes to clean everything once a week and let it pile up in between. I like to keep everything put away and clean up regularly, particularly since we live in a tiny apartment. Note that I am not constantly disinfecting everything, I’m just talking about hanging things up and doing the dishes right away.

    Obviously this often results in me just cleaning up after her, which sometimes gets on my nerves, but I’m a bit torn about whether I’m justified in being annoyed by this, or whether it’s just the price of having things the way I want them. What do you think? Has anyone been on the other side of this?

    1. Phoenix Programmer*

      Think about what is most important to you and ask for that. Does the dishes piling up bother you? Or is it more that she leaves clothes and dishes everywhere. What if the compromise was that she took all dishes to the sink and out clothes in the hamper? The goal isn’t suck it up or hange her it’s to discuss with her what will work for both of you. If she is a once a week kind of cleaner then maybe she is in charge of dusting, vacumming, cleaning the bathroom, and laundry while you do dishes everyday, tidy up daily, etc.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        This seems like a good idea. Compromises must be made in all living situations, but a “well I like it messy so you’ll just have to clean extra” compromise is what axe murders are made from. Make a deal where she does more of the “deep-cleaning” weekly stuff and you do the daily pickup.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Yes but there is an inherent difference between ‘weaknesses’ that degredate your environment and annoying habits you need to let go. Like say butt scratching in the living room.

        Telling someone to just not care about their messy environment is as non sensical as suggesting GF needs to clean all the time because OP.

        There really is middle ground here.

      2. Red Sky*

        It’s incredibly frustrating to live with someone who you constantly have to pick up after. The girlfriend could learn to clean up after herself sooner rather than letting things sit and accept OP for who he is.

        Or, ideally, they can meet somewhere in the middle and find something that works for both of them. I thinking communication and compromise are key here.

        1. fposte*

          Agreed. I’m the messy person. I think it’s utterly understandable that she wants to leave her dishes for a while and do something else, and that it makes her uncomfortable if her partner does the dishes in the interim. But I also think it’s understandable that anon’s happy household idea doesn’t include dishes hanging out in the sink and clothes on the floor. So this isn’t one of those “who’s right?” questions, it’s a “how do we make this work for both of us?” questions. And part of those questions is the truth that neither side gets everything they want. While right now it looks like gf is getting what she wants and anon isn’t, it may come out in discussion that gf is already doing a lot of cleaning she wouldn’t for anon, which would be important information in going forward too.

    3. LizB*

      I’m on the other side of this right now. Your best options are either to accept it as the price of having things the way you want them (if you can do so without resentment building up), or to talk to her and see if there’s a way you can meet more in the middle of your two sets of standards. My SO chose option 2, and I’m slowly but surely getting better, but it’s a long learning process.

    4. WellRed*

      My roommate likes dishes done right, away. I am more lax. As a compromise, I stack them neatly on one side of sink ( for a day or so, not longer). As an example of a compromise.

    5. Ender*

      If you keep going the way you are you will feel really resentful. Could you maybe agree on a compromise?

    6. anon for this*

      Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. To clarify slightly, she knows how I feel about this and we’ve had many conversations about it, but I think both of us find it frustrating because we really have different ways of thinking about it. It took me a while to come around to just doing the extra cleaning myself, but I decided I’d rather do that than either nag her about it or live with the mess. So I’m not looking for advice exactly. I’m more just trying to appreciate both sides of the issue, because lodged in my mind is the idea that it’s inconsiderate to just leave all of your stuff lying around in shared areas, and leave your messes for someone else to deal with.

      1. LizB*

        So in her mind, I think she’s not leaving all her stuff for you to deal with; she’s leaving it for her future self to deal with during her weekly clean-up session, because she can easily tolerate the messiness. For me, I just… really don’t mind things being messy. I don’t care if my purse is on the floor, I don’t care if my desk is covered in papers, I don’t care that all my toiletries are spread across my dresser instead of being in their little holders. And if my SO also left his bag on the floor, his desk covered with papers, and his toiletries all over his nightstand, I also wouldn’t care about that! It’s not that leaving your stuff around is inconsiderate period, it’s that it’s inconsiderate when the person you live with does mind the mess.

      2. Not a Mere Device*

        Can you define a division of labor where she’s not “leaving it all for you to deal with” because yes, you’re dealing with that, but in return she’s dealing with a different task so you don’t have to? Ideally that would be something you dislike, but the key point is that it should feel like a fair trade-off, whether or not it takes the same amount of time.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          This! I am . . . a lot like your gf, but my boyfriend is even messier lol. We’ve settled into a comfortable pattern where I do the tidying/decluttering/putting away on my weekend, and he does the vacuuming and cleans the bathroom on his. He does yard work, but I handle the majority of the laundry. We split cooking depending on who has the evening off. It works out well for us!

        2. Washi*

          Same. What ended up working for us is that he does all the cooking, which I HATE and I do the cleaning. We divided things based on what was a priority to us – I want things ultra tidy but will happily eat cereal for dinner, and he likes to have a real meal at dinner but doesn’t care if every surface is clean and clutter-free.

      3. valentine*

        Nagging/accepting aren’t your only options. Assuming you’re determined to cohabit, however, keeping in mind that annoyances will increase exponentially over time, decide what tidiness level you both can be content with and approach it as a team. Possibly go so far as to draw what each room will look like. Anything that attracts vermin and/or creates stains/spills has to go in the dishwasher/trash every night, even if, say, she piles her dishes in the dishwasher daily, but is happy to arrange them and run it every week. Maybe she uses the KonMari method of storing things in bags/boxes on shelving; she takes them out and puts them away directly after each time. Maybe she keeps her stuff to floor edges/corners. Maybe she has an ottoman in each room where she dumps her stuff, instead of using the floor.

      4. WS*

        Could you have designated areas where she doesn’t leave stuff so anything she leaves in the “dumping areas” is for her to clean up later and you get “tidy areas” which you don’t have to worry about it? She sounds like someone who prefers to do one big clean-up and you sound like an incremental cleaner, both of which are perfectly good methods but not very compatible!

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      Keep in mind that people don’t always have the same idea of what constitutes a mess. I’m not talking about hoarders who don’t see what’s building up around them. I’m talking about, say, people like myself who tend to leave or arrange things in ways that reflect how they’re used. I’ll leave a coffee mug on the counter if I plan on refilling that day, instead of putting it right in the sink. That means there will be a used coffee mug sitting around for a while, but I don’t view that as a mess that needs to be cleaned up. I’ll leave my coat on the back of a chair instead of putting it in the closet every time. Certain makeup items never make it back into my storage drawer. Basically, things that are used all the time are never really put away. Why would I bother?

  56. Anon for this*

    Any advice on how to go about buying property? I live in a U.S. city, and my parents are currently living abroad. However, since I started working here, my parents are very interested in owning property here. We decided to pool portions of our savings together for the down payment, but since I’m physically in the city, I will scope out places to buy. Except…I don’t know what I’m doing! What do y’all suggest?? Should I do this via a real estate agent or mortgage broker? I signed up for Zillow alerts but that’s about it. Anything important I should look out for?

    1. Phoenix Programmer*

      Once I stated sending messages to houses I liked those realtors from the companies or house itself offered to work with me.

    2. SpellingBee*

      Absolutely yes to real estate agent – ask around for recommendations and interview the ones that sound good to you. An agent doesn’t cost you anything on the buyer’s side, and can be (if they’re good) an invaluable resource. They will also handle all the negotiating for you, and the contracts and closing as well (although in some states you have to have an attorney do that).

      Be up front with the agent about your budget and anything that’s a deal-breaker for you, i.e. single level vs two story, not on a busy street, etc. Be prepared to compromise on some things, though; it might not be possible to get everything that you want in the area you want in your price range. Also (and I say this in the kindest way), be prepared to be disappointed a lot. A house that looks perfect online can turn out to be dreadful in person, either by virtue of its location or just in and of itself. We’ve moved around quite a bit because of Mr. Bee’s work, and almost every househunting experience has involved tears on my part at some point because I’m sure we’ll *never* find something even livable, let alone something we like (but we always did). To be honest, though, part of our problem was that we usually had about a week to find a house; the one time that we had a longer timeframe involved some disappointing moments but not despair.

      When you’re ready to put in an offer, make it contingent upon an inspection of the property. Any agent worth their salt will tell you to do this, but in any event don’t be tempted to skip it. It will cost you several hundred dollars at least, but may be the best money you spend if helps you avoid a serious problem. At the very least it will alert you to something that you may be okay with, or are willing to deal with in order to have that specific property, but still needs to be addressed.

    3. fposte*

      It’s easy for you to get a realtor to start looking at stuff; a good realtor should also let you know if you’ll need to get preapproved for a loan to be a viable buyer in your market.

      What might be more complicated here is that if your parents are abroad, presumably so are the assets that a mortgage lender will need to verify for your loan. That might be a piece of cake for some lenders (depending on the country in question) and an obstacle for others. I’d therefore allow a little more time to identify a lender and secure financing to make sure that you had a lender who could cope with that and there was time built in for any transmission/translation.

  57. Rambling*

    TW: rape / assault / distressing content

    I was browsing Weibo this morning (a Chinese microblogging site), and there were quite a lot of reblogs for posts from a blogger who I’ve never come across before. I was a bit confused because the posts had literally tens of thousands of comments but it didn’t seem like there was anything particularly special about the posts. The blogger was one of those young women in her early-20s who posts photos of herself, and while she was pretty she wasn’t famous or anything.

    Then I started scrolling through the comments, and from there I realised the blogger had been in the news these past few days. She’d taken a car service (similar to Uber) and was murdered by the driver. Suddenly all her posts just read so much sadder – the last thing she posted (the one that was getting reposted most) from four days before she was killed was about how nice it was to be a woman since men would help you with carrying heavy things. It’s just such bitter irony.

    Among the comments expressing condolences there were the typical (expected but really shouldn’t be) comments about how young women should not be taking these car services alone (there was a similar incident not that long ago with the same car service), about how they shouldn’t dress provocatively. This blogger often posted photos of herself in shorts to show off her log legs. The worst (that I saw) was a comment on one such photo saying that if she was going out dressed like that it’s no surprise what happened. This was posted on a photo of someone who had been murdered.

    Then there was a follow-up of sorts.

    The authorities have caught the driver responsible. Another blogger (same platform) came out and said that she had been in this person’s car not long before the incident occurred. She’d noticed that he was driving into more and more remote areas (under the guise of having to pick up another passenger). She managed to get out of the car and get away. Before she’d gotten into the car she had actually taken a photo of the license plate and after this happened she’d sent all this info to the car service company, but couldn’t get them to do anything. They didn’t even suspend this driver or investigate her claims.

    Obviously when she’d read the news story above she felt absolutely sick. This could’ve been prevented (doesn’t help that when people read her posts they accused her of not trying hard enough to get that driver banned) and it’s just so much regret and anger. The questions are now finally being asked of the car service company and why they didn’t take action sooner.

    It’s just all so horrible. There are calls for the harshest penalty for cases like this (keep in mind China still has capital punishment) and honestly, it doesn’t even seem like enough. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened but why isn’t everyone trying their hardest to make sure it’s the last?

    1. fposte*

      I understand how upsetting that is; I’ve had similar reactions to crimes both near me and far from me. I think some people probably *are* working hard for it to be the last time, but those aren’t likely to be the people posting on social media.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      That’s terrifying. Poor girl and her family.

      I’m not going to address the other stuff bc I don’t habe the stomach for it. But the uber thing — a few months back I was taking an uber with coworkers who lived nearby. I was furthest away so last to be dropped off. About 5 minutes from my house he took a route I’ve never seen before. I immediately texted my friend/cw. Eventually I got home bc it turns out the driver used a super weird route, but my cw said he was about to come to my house to find me.

      Since then whenever I’m in an uber I text my husband or whoever my live location so they can c where exactly I am in real time. I believe there’s a feature with in uber/Lyft that lets you share your location with someone. Something worth looking in to. There’s also an app called Noonlight that alerts LE when it’s opened.

    3. Waiting for the Sun*

      :<
      Isn’t safety one of the reasons for using a ride service, ie, not walking home alone late at night?

  58. Crosswalk anon*

    Going anonymous because it won’t be hard to find my small city with the details I’m going to post….

    A local group recently installed a rainbow crosswalk in an intersection in our downtown. The rainbow crosswalk is meant to show support for the LGBTQ+ community. Essentially each stripe of the crosswalk is a color from the flag. As a member of the community, I’m happy to live in a place where the local government and various groups are working hard to demonstrate tolerance and acceptance.

    Sadly the rainbow crosswalk was almost immediately vandalized by people doing burnouts over it. Local news has shown several images of the cars and trucks who did it, and there’s Facebook video going around of a group of motorcyclists doing it as well. None of the pictures/videos are good enough or at the right angle to pick out license plates, and I’m honestly not expecting the police to catch anyone. It just is the nature of things here.

    Truthfully I’m upset that they chose a rainbow crosswalk as a show of support. Given this state, I think vandalism was to be expected no matter what was done, and vandalizing a crosswalk is just too damn easy (as demonstrated by the various a-holes doing it). These people don’t even have to get out of their cars, which means they’re there and gone in 30 seconds. Some of them even did it in broad daylight while people were clearly watching. They know they won’t get caught, and are probably excited by all the attention and outrage. Like most bullies, I figure they’re doing it for the reaction.

    Ultimately I wish they had chosen to do something else to show support for the LGBTQ+ community. Even if they had done a public mural, someone would have to park and walk up to it to deface it, and just that additional risk of identification might’ve help reduce the vandalism. You could easily stick a camera on a wall at the right angle to catch someone as well. This just feels like someone stuck a “kick me” sign on our community. We have no real way to stop them from defacing it, and every time it happens it’s a reminder that someone out there hates us this much and takes great joy from making us feel threatened.

    1. LCL*

      I’m not crazy about the crosswalk as a means of showing one’s support, either. My city does this. My objections are two: if we want to show respect for a person or cause driving over imagery emblametic of the group isn’t respectful, and traffic controls follow a standard code for safety and non standard markings should only be used if they make things safer.
      It might help to look at it this way-to a certain kind of driver, burnouts are fun. These tribute crosswalks are more fun to do burnouts on because they are larger and thicker with a lot more crosswalk surface. Juvenile, but the targeting is because of the physical aspects of the crosswalk not the cause it represents.

      1. Crosswalk anon*

        I didn’t even think of the “people driving over your communities’ emblem” aspect. That just makes me tend to dislike it even more.

        I don’t think I can pretend it’s just incidental that they want to do burnouts on this crosswalk — it’s no different in design than the other ones, just different color stripes.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I see some pics online. That is too bad, why do people have to do this stuff.

      I do agree though they picked a project that was just waaay to easy for people to access and damage. Cross walks take a beating period. A community spent tons of money putting in brick cross walks. It looked lovely. I don’t think the walks even lasted 7 years.

      My husband was an avid motorcyclist and I know this would tick him off to the nth degree. It’s a few people ruining things for everyone. He believed that you keep your bike quiet and under control and definitely do not do things with your bike that are offensive/dangerous to other people. Nobody won here, everyone lost.

      1. Crosswalk anon*

        Yes, the city is constantly repainting traffic lanes and crosswalks because they fade so quickly here. I’m not sure why. I know we get more potholes due to the weather but I have no idea where the paint goes! I’m not sure what they used for this but it will probably be pretty faded by spring, actually. I hope another type of project is chosen if someone feels the urge to do this again.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Probably the paint goes in tiny pieces off to the side.
          I read an interesting article about tires. Car tires wear down after a bit. Well where do all these tiny pieces of tire get off to? The author said they are along the side of the road mixed in with soil OR if there is a storm drain near by the particles get washed into the storm drain. (We are talking very tiny particles.)
          So I am thinking the paint is with the tire particles along the sides of the road.

          1. Chaordic One*

            I’ve read that tons of tiny rubber particles cover the world’s roadways and that most of the smaller pieces end up being eaten by microorganisms.

  59. Weddingfriend*

    Got invited to a wedding and was flattered and surprised I made the cut! Am now on the list to join the stagette! Excited, but also a little worried it’s gonna be $$$$! the bridesmaid planning the stagette is asking for help (at least with ideas). Any suggestions?! I’m not planning on helping PLAN, but would love to contribute some ideas at least :)

    We are in a medium sized city, most folks are 30+ some ideas being tossed areound are the typical: overnight trip, spa day, etc. I’m hoping to max out at $100 at most on stagette (does this make me a terrible person? )

    1. Marthooh*

      No you are not a terrible person. In fact if you tell the planners you want to spend $100 or less, you will be doing everyone a huge favor! The rest of the party may not all agree with you, but some definitely will, and they’re more likely to say so if someone else starts the conversation.

    2. Ender*

      I did a mix-n-match hen party. Stayed in my city and did a load of different things over a weekend and let people come to whatever they wanted. Stayed in a spa hotel friday night and a city centre hotel Saturday, did a cocktail lesson (great fun) and went out for dinner and dancing on Saturday. Had afternoon tea on the Sunday. Did massages in a city centre spa on the Saturday during day. Different people came to different things so people could suit their own budgets. Was awesome.

    3. heckofabecca*

      Budget does NOT make you a bad person!!! Use her request to give your budget preferences! You won’t be the only one who wishes they could spend less, trust me.

      My husband and I had basically a shared pre-wedding party since neither of us cared about having separate ones—we got dim sum for lunch and then went to a glassblowing studio where we got a demo and we made our own glass pendants. She could do something similar, with a nice lunch/dinner + fun group activity. Depending on the size of the party, the location of the city, and how private you want it to be, there are a LOT of options: escape room, laser tag, bowling, karaoke, art of some kind (dinner + paint night? sounds like a winner), etc etc. Congrats to your friend and good luck!

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      That does not make you a terrible person!

      I always thought board game night or movie marathon with lots of snacks would be a fun bachelorette party, or possibly renting a big cabin at the state park.

    5. Reba*

      First, I have never heard the term “stagette.”

      Second, the best one I’ve been a part of was thrift store shopping for prom dresses, then going to a dive in said dresses.

      Another excellent one was just a quiet weekend in an Airbnb — in that case we all live in different states so it was a rare get-together plus the pre-wedding fun.

      Echoing the others that people will be GLAD if you start the conversation about spending. These things can get out of hand quickly.

  60. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Baking dessert (sugar cookies!) for tomorrow, having a few friends over (1 is pregnant). I might do candied orange or ginger sugar cookies or chocolate chip sugar cookies.

    Any desserts preg-friendly or no-no’s? I know, no runny eggs, no raw cookie dough but wanted to check in case. Friend is 4 months along, no food aversions (I checked).

    1. Phoenix Programmer*

      Stay away from pinapple. It loosens mucous. There is a mucous plug that keeps baby in the uterous.

      1. Lilo*

        I’m a pregnant lady and hadn’t heard of this, and some googling seems to show that’s an old wives tale.

        1. Kj*

          I read where the core of pineapple does contain a chemical that can induce labor…but you’d have to eat like 12 pineapple cores to trigger that effect…. No thanks, say me, pregnant lady.

  61. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m feeling much better now that the wild fire smoke is less. I’m having a hard time though because I didn’t get a job I applied for internally (won’t go into detail as it’s the weekend). I just kind of took it easy last night, laid in bed watching Steven Universe.

    Proud of biking on Wednesday and doing a yoga class Thursday, it was still very smoky and hard to find safe ways to exercise.

    Struggling with feeling kinda lonely, my crush is out of town all month and my idea to move closer to one of my friends didn’t work out.

    How are you doing?

    1. Turtlewings*

      Stressing a lot about money. I need to see two different specialists, my dog is sick (and peeing everywhere), and I have a leaky tire that’s only the most urgent of the car repairs I’m putting off… and my savings account has about sixty bucks in it. Last night I came home and saw that my dog had peed twice on the floor where my sister couldn’t see, and my immediate flare of stress and frustration sent her (my sister) into an anxiety attack. So yay guilt and sisterly caretaking on top of all the rest. Argh.

    2. Alpha Bravo*

      Moving forward. Finally traded in late spouse’s sedan on a used pickup. Felt like a traitor walking away from it in the parking lot, but I really needed the truck and I was never going to use the car. (As evidenced by the yellow jackets building a nest in the drivers side door well. I got stung discovering that but cleaned it out without further injury. But it did feel rather like a kick in the pants from the universe,) I am very happy with the truck. I think spouse would’ve liked it.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        It’s odd how stuff hits us, ya know.
        My husband said, “Sell the bikes. It’s my hobby not yours, use the money to pay bills or whatever.” So the bikes went and that was a little sad. He never mentioned his van. The day a friend helped me move the van to where it would be sold, my heart was in my freakin’ shoes.

        I think you know all the logical rebuttals, so I will skip that.
        Feel the feeling. “Yep, I am really upset over getting rid of Spouse’s Car.” Say it over and over. If you get a dull ache some where add that to what you are saying. “I have a dull ache in my chest because of how sad it is to get rid of Spouse’s Car.”
        I know this sounds like a really stupid exercise, but the worst thing we can do is deny or squelch our own feelings. It’s a feeling, it’s not a crime. No legal laws or ethic rules were broken in your actions nor in your feelings about your actions.

        The next thing to do is look at big picture stuff. You know life is a movie. If we stall out and look at the still shots (photos) it can really knock us for a loop. Sometimes reminding yourself that you are looking at a photo and there is more to the story, can be helpful.

        And last thought. Some things have been a hurdle for me. I could not get rid of X, oh boy, planet earth will stop revolving if I get rid of X. So, I went and got rid of X anyway. It was awful, but then it was over. My reward turned out to be that it was much easier to get rid of some other stuff. I know I would have wrestled with this other stuff and, gosh this is getting fn exhausting. So instead, I ended up remembering how hard it was to get rid of X so getting rid of a, b and c were very simple by comparison.

        Remember no matter how much of their stuff we get rid of we cannot get rid of one thing. They were and always will be a big chunk of our life story. And we will never lose that. Ever. We get to keep that part.

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          I know this wasn’t for me but thank you still. I’m having a dreadful weekend and this helps.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Broken dreams suck, period. And sometimes we are too sad, too fearful, too whatever, to build another dream. Start small. Dream of going for an ice cream cone. Then go. Yes, that is a very silly example. But it’s also how we reweave and reknit ourselves, inch by inch.

      3. Chaordic One*

        I’ve been seriously considering buying a pickup truck. One of the smaller ones, although the smallest ones offered for sale in the U.S. are all “mid-sized” now. Anyway, I would really be using it to do a lot of hauling (antiques, gardening, remodeling projects) and it would be practical for those things that just don’t fit in an SUV.

    3. Jessen*

      I have decided that I’m taking now to be a “start over” time for me. I’m realizing I got a lot of toxic messages from my family and I’ve been spending a lot of energy on stuff that’s neither important, nor helpful, nor fun.

      So! While some of those thingswhichshallnotbenamed may be involved, I’m not primarily focused on that beyond making sure I can pay my bills. It’s more kind of restarting to teach myself how to be a functional adult as though I were 18 and not 30, because a lot of what I’ve been doing has been focused on “why am I too stupid to do this” and that’s not useful.

      I’m thinking of getting re-screened for ADHD (I was diagnosed and then undiagnosed and I’m thinking the first bit was probably right), but I also know I really probably wouldn’t take meds because me and mental health meds tend to not get along. So not sure it really matters.

    4. nep*

      Went waaayyy out of comfort zone today–but I’ve been feeling a lot better about a lot of things of late, so I was feeling very empowered; couldn’t have done it at all, in fact, just a month or two back. Lo and behold I was actually chatting and laughing with strangers. It was lovely. (I had to do it for a project I’m very excited about, so that made all the difference.)
      Good vibes, best wishes, all.

    5. Effie, who is still standing*

      I broke up with my long-distance physically abusive boyfriend and I miss him like crazy. I’m not going to call him.

      1. Isotopes*

        I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I wanted to let you know that you are doing a great things for yourself. And you get to feel what you’re going to feel – you miss him because of all the good parts of what was a bad relationship. I recommend you head on over to Captain Awkward and view letter #1141. You’ve already done the really hard part, but hopefully reading through some similar situations will help you to feel like you made the right decision. Truly, having random people and articles and posts validate that you were right to leave, that you were right to recognize you needed to go…it can make all the difference.

        I’m going through a breakup right now (of my 6-year marriage) and it is SO HARD but it does get easier. The actual act of the breakup is sometimes the hardest part. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. I’m sorry you’re feeling sad but I’m really proud of you for taking that step – not that a random internet stranger being proud of you is the most important thing or anything. But still.

  62. Nervous Accountant*

    Any Canadians here? I’m visiting in laws in November and was thinking of buying a few gifts for nieces and nephews. Nieces are 14, 13, 12. I’m planning on buying some makeup/bath/kitchen sets (1 likes baking) but I’m having a hard time coming up with something unique to that you can’t get from there. The girls know about Sephora but I don’t want to go the high end route for various reasons.

    1. Candy*

      There’s aren’t a lot of things unique to Canada that you can’t also buy in the States. I would maybe just buy a few Roots hoodies

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I meant the other way around… I think. Items that are not really sold easily in Canada. (I mean….I think Canadian food things are far more superior but I’m talking about makeup specifically).

        And on that note, does anyone else consider gifts for non-local people as “it has to be something they cannot get in their neighborhood!”? Or am I the only one who stresses out over this.

        1. AK*

          I tend to assume that anyone with access to the internet can get basically anything they want that isn’t sold in their neighborhood. If not, grocery stores often have “international aisles”, which just ends up being a ton of marshmallow fluff and pop tarts in the American sections.

          For some reason the drugstores in my very small town have tourist stuff, so I’ll bring friends a “Love from Teapotsville” pack of cards as a joke every once in a while, but only because I think it’s the silliest thing that they even exist. Nothing important has EVER happened, no one famous is from here… people can only be buying this stuff ironically, I hope.

    2. HannahS*

      I do, especially if they’re from a far away country with a very different country. But I’m Canadian and, well, we do have Sephora in some provinces, and also, for a kid, I don’t think it matters. Kids don’t have much (or any) money of their own, and limited freedom to spend it. As an adult, if an American guest brought me, I dunno, a bath set, I’d appreciate the gesture but not the gift–I can buy those for myself anytime I want, and I usually don’t because I don’t love them. But even at age 14, presents were exciting in and of themselves, especially if they were something frivolous that my mom wouldn’t have bought for me (i.e. a bath set). What I’m getting at is that I didn’t care where it was from. I just wanted a fun gift.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      At that age I would have been happy with a pile of US-specific candies, chocolate bars and soft drinks. Things like Baby Ruth,Take 5, Milky Way, lime flavoured potato chips, Squirt soda, maybe some Trader Joe’s stuff.

      1. NimmieAmee*

        Yes! As an American living in Canada, it’s also rare for me to find the flavored versions of Coke Zero (cherry, vanilla) or Fresca (cherry, peach, etc.) here.
        What we Americans call Smarties are called Rockets here in Canada, and Smarties are a chocolate candy, so they might get a kick out of US Smarties
        My brother swears the Canadian version of Keebler Club crackers and Ritz crackers taste differently here, so it could be fun to bring a box and have a blind taste test.
        Maybe some cute jewelry from Target or Cost Plus World Market since neither of those stores are in Canada?

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        Can’t y is my go to but I’ll be totally honest— US chocolate is trash compared to chocolate sold in Canada. (Talking about the averfwge kit kat Hershey’s snickers etc) This would be like a punishment for them lol… in fact I sneak candy from Canada to here LOL

      3. Colette*

        Yeah, I’m Canadian and candy is my go-to cheap gift when I’m in the US – there’s a lot of junk food you guys have that we don’t, and it’s fun to try them.

    4. Kuododi*

      I’m not sure specifically what to suggest for your situation. I do try to give out of town/ country friends and family gifts that are specific to my part of the SE USA. I’ve mentioned before when I spent time in South America after I finished undergraduate I took personalized stoneware mugs from a local artisan in my area. The age range for those gifts was 16 yr old daughter, 22 yr old daughter, 24 yr old son, and parents early sixties. Hope that helps!!

    5. ..Kat..*

      Is there time to take each on a special shopping trip with Aunt Nervous Accountant? Give them a money limit and go spend time with them? The best thing my aunt gave me when she visited was bicycle rides with her where we talked and I just had special one-on-one time with her.

    6. IDeas*

      New flavours of Oreos, and all of the Cheez-Its. We do not have Cheez-Its in Canada and I get asked to bring them back whenever I go to the States.

  63. Dainty Lady*

    This is a completely spoiled-lady, first world problem akin to bosses complaining about how much their vacation homes cost to keep up, but: I HATE having a pool in my back yard. I love my house, which is a modest mid-century, but I hate the damn pool. It takes up the entire back yard, gulps water, requires constant upkeep, my husband *obsesses* over it (“Let’s cut back the trees and the hedge, leaves will fly in the pool! Should we cover it today? Should we uncover it today? Birds fly over the pool! Look, that squirrel is drinking from the pool! Get the algae! How long has it been since we changed the filter? How much diasporic [diatomaceous] earth do we need, did you write that down last time? Don’t stir it like that!”). I guess it gives him something to do.

    And how often do we swim? …Once a week *if that*. There is a community pool not 3 blocks away and our health club has not one but two beautifully maintained pools. Maybe if we had kids, it would be worth it, but jiminy crickets, it’s such a pain in the patootie for two lazy adults!

    It would cost approximately $40,000 to fill it in. Sigh. I recommend that you don’t buy a home with a pool.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’m going to have to bookmark this post so every time my husband mentions getting a pool, I can point him to it! We’re married without kids, too, and every year we think about a pool. We definitely have way more than enough yard space for it, but we’re definitely lazy. It’s all we can do to get the yard work done every year. I had a pool when I was growing up, and I was in it ALL the time, practically from sunup to sundown during summer vacation. When we talk about a pool, that’s always the part I’m thinking about. But eventually I remember my parents took care of it, not me. My husband has never had a pool. He thinks he knows what goes into it, but he hasn’t lived with the reality.

      1. Dainty Lady*

        Oh my gosh, hold fast to not doing it! It is constant, daily small chores of testing, skimming, vacuuming, covering and uncovering; every few months a big, nasty chore (cleaning the filters); and every few years a giant expense and hassle (draining, cleaning, and re-filling b/c the water builds up suspended solids).

        It will also make your house harder to sell if you’re anyplace but, oh, Phoenix.

        1. Book Lover*

          Ours has a vacuum that wanders about automatically and we don’t have a cover. And we are in Phoenix :)

      2. ..Kat..*

        Back yard pool: very expensive, needs a lot of time consuming upkeep, and a big liability. Think bigger insurance premiums because these are kid magnets. Hard to keep kids away no matter the fences, locks, etc. And it will always be your fault (in the USA at least), when a child breaks in and injures themselves (or dies).

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yeah, we have a neighbor who lives diagonally behind us and from what I hear, his in-ground pool is not fenced in (the houses are far apart and we can’t see his yard–heard from the guy behind us). My neighbor directly behind us mentioned the other day he wants to report him. Not sure if he did or not.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I share your dislike of pools, and would really resent having to maintain one. I suppose it would be dangerous to have an empty pool just waiting for someone to accidentally fall into. Probably a bigger project than you want to take on, but have you considered converting into a wildlife watering hole? Husbandguy could still fret over it, but at least it would be pretty and useful. The less practical side of my brain would also like to suggest a giant ball pit.

    3. BRR*

      Like many things, if I had a ton of money I wouldnt mind one but I know it would be awful. We’re loosley house hunting and There are so many pools. Not worth it in the north east plus these are cheaper homes (for the area). People have to be hemorrhaging money for upkeep.

    4. Book Lover*

      We adore our pool :). Laps daily and the kids swim whenever they can – heading in soon, actually :).

      We pay for a pool service and don’t really have issues. We’ve had it for five years.

      1. Dainty Lady*

        Ha, spot on!

        I seriously did not want a pool, it was very nearly a deal-breaker for me. But *all* the homes that had what we wanted also had pools. It seemed stupid to give up a beautifully maintained almost perfect house (I would have *loved* to have a tiny bonus room for my office, 6×6 would do) in really a perfect neighborhood. It’s an irritant, not a crisis.

    6. Anonymosity*

      Blergh.
      I’ve only had small pools, like the above-ground kind you set up and a couple of inflatables, and I get sick of them really fast. Partly because it’s boring to swim by myself, and partly because of the upkeep. I would only have a pool if 1) I had the money to pay someone to do the upkeep, and 2) had vast amounts of friends and a big house in which to entertain them with pool parties. Otherwise, nah.

      Every once in a while, I want another small pool, but then I remember how much I didn’t like taking care of it. And I say “Nope.”

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Decades and decades ago when code enforcement was not really a thing, some people I knew had a pool.
      Like you are saying they got sick of it. Removing it was too much money even then. So they built a garage over it.

      Am shaking my head. Somehow they made a floor strong enough to hold a car. Then they built a barn around the pool. The reason I know this is because it was the talk of the grapevine. “There’s a pool underneath the car in that barn!” wth.

      I do wonder though, if pools can be made into usable cellars for barns or whatever.

    8. School Psych*

      I’m currently looking at houses and immediately cross out the ones with pools. I lifeguarded at a city pool and there was so much pool maintenance(constantly checking chlorine/bacteria levels, skimming stuff out, vacuming). I literally never want to clean another pool. On the plus side, if you were wondering how clean your public pool is the answer is probably very. The one I worked at got vacuumed every morning and we checked the levels and skimmed stuff out every hour.

    9. Chaordic One*

      I keep thinking that you could make an underground bomb shelter out of it. Then you’ll be ready for… whatever.

    10. ..Kat..*

      Well, if you did not fill the pool with water, you could eventually save enough money to fill it in.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Okay, thinking outside the box. You could sell space in your soon-to-be-filled pool to people who need to hide a dead body. Fill the pool in with the profits from your enterprise.

    11. Ron McDon*

      We often holiday in Orlando, where most rental properties have pools and we love having a pool for those two weeks.

      I always assumed if one had a pool one also used a weekly pool service to clean it and maintain the chlorine levels etc, didn’t realise so many people did that themselves. I definitely wouldn’t want all that work!

    12. LJay*

      Yeah, my parents had a pool installed when I was a kid.

      My mom loves swimming.

      I am pretty sure she still spends way more time taking care of the pool than she does enjoying it.

      I will never have a pool if I can help it.

  64. LGC*

    Runners! How are you guys doing this week?

    This week’s been…a lot better weather-wise in my area than from late June to mid August. (Unfortunately, it’s supposed to get hot and muggy again next week!) I almost forgot what it was like to not go out and come back absolutely drenched in my own sweat.

    Had a bit of a mishap on Wednesday – I got spooked by a deer and ended up slipping and falling (which…if you know me IRL, is something that of course would happen to me and would only happen to me). In my defense, it was dark, I was in the park, and I think that’s the first time I’ve seen a deer in the park that far south.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Oof, sorry you fell! I’ve done that more than once and that’s the worst (actually, the worst is falling and getting injured from it).

      I’m about at the one-third mark of my marathon training, maybe a bit past, and the trend I’ve noticed so far is that my long runs are going well (they’ve been slow, but I’ve had no problem with stamina) but my mid-week runs have been kind of blah. I feel like the shorter runs are actually taking more out of me than the longer runs! I may be getting tired of doing the same route over and over (no real choice given time constraints in the morning before work), or it might be the relentlessly humid weather this summer. Two things might help — (1) my schedule is going to force me to do some of my upcoming long runs mid-week and shorter runs on weekends, when I’ll have more leeway to try running somewhere different, and (2) with September around the corner, the weather’s eventually going to get cooler. On the flip side, September coming means I’ll soon be doing some of those shorter morning runs in the dark. Either way, I think the long runs are the big thing and I’m glad they’re going well so far. I feel like marathon training really starts to get serious when you get above 15 miles, and my next long run will be 16, so here we go…

      1. LGC*

        I’m…well in the serious band already then, I guess. I’ve been at around 16-18 for my longest runs for the past couple of weeks. Including this morning when I got volunteered to run with one of our acquaintances. Who’s running in the elite field at NYC. In my infinite wisdom, I did NOT immediately react with “oh HELL no.”

        (I should have. When I fell, that was on my tempo, so I wiped out going about 10 mph. And she was running HER tempo workout – which was 5×2 miles at marathon pace. Or…my 10k pace. I quit after the third two miler because I’m not a COMPLETELY insane person and also I was pretty drained – I normally do about 10-15 miles of speed work per week and this put me at close to 20.)

        DEFINITELY switch your routes up, though, even on your short days! What makes things slightly easier for me is that I tend to run in the afternoon/evening, but even still I have a few base routes (from 3-8 miles), add-ons, and I try to not repeat routes on consecutive easy days.

      2. LGC*

        And obviously, this goes without saying, but…good luck! Philly is…mid November right? So you’re about 12 weeks out.

        Glad to hear your long runs are going well – that’s always a good sign!

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Thank you! Yup, the Philadelphia Marathon is November 18. If all goes well over the next two months and change, I’ll be doing my last long run for Philly at the same time you’re running the NYC Marathon.

          1. LGC*

            I was actually considering trying to do Philly (before I got drafted into NY), but the timing wasn’t great for me. Good luck with trying to get a long run in on marathon weekend – I imagine that the streets are going to be kind of nuts.

    2. A bit of a saga*

      Sorry to hear about your deer encounter! No chance of that in my city environment. I saw a hare the other day and was really excited! I’m just back from holiday and also joined my running group in a different location this week – so nice! Like the Librarian I’m bored with running the same routes. I did 12 km this morning which is nothing compared to you guys but I was pleased. Next 1/2 marathon 8 weeks away.

      1. LGC*

        Thanks – I mostly survived intact, although I had a pretty ugly scrape just below my left elbow. (Thankfully, it was nowhere near as bad as it looked at first.)

        Also, congrats and good luck! 12k isn’t nothing – for half marathons, that might actually be getting close to what you need to peak at. (From what I’ve heard, some plans will have you peak at 10 miles – or 16km.) With the routes – same advice to mix and match if possible, and if you can, map out different routes on days you have time to follow new routes.

      2. LGC*

        I’m not sure how my original comment went to moderation, but…hey, 12km isn’t too shabby! It’s actually close to where some plans peak (I’ve heard of some peaking at 10 miles, or 16km).

        Also, Librarian and I are both running full marathons, so that’s a huge reason we have higher volume. (For a marathon runner, your long run is going to peak at around 32-35km (20-22 miles). This is why I almost always do long runs with a group – I don’t like spending hours by myself on the road.)

  65. Lilo*

    Minor rant.

    Look, I know weddings are expensive. But if you choose to have an out of town wedding (that would require a lot of your friends to make 4+ hour flights) on a Wednesday, that just means that a lot of people aren’t going to be able to come. You can’t combo it with a weekend and it’s awkward to be out Tuesday through Thursday. I don’t hate you, I just can’t swing that weird combo of flight, money, and time off work. Please just accept the no.

    1. TeacherNerd*

      Yep.

      Related minor rant: a wedding industry assumption that both bride and groom (or bride/bride or groom/groom) are from the same part of the state with entire extended families that live in the same part of the state. My wedding was always going to be a destination wedding for every single person with the exception of my parents and five non-first cousins. That included both my now-husband and me; even we traveled more than 1,500 miles for our wedding (MIL refused to get on a plane, so either we moved the entire wedding to a location to which she could drive, or she would not attend). No matter when we had our wedding – and ours was on a Saturday – most people were missing at least one day of work, if not more, if they even came. We had an approximately 50% attendance rate (about 60 people attended, which was fan-flipping-tastic, as far as we were concerned).

      (BTW, I’m pretty sure “Pennsylvania” is not what people think of when they say “destination wedding.”)

    2. Loopy*

      +100000

      I’m getting married and on a lot of wedding boards and see a lot of entitlement around weddings that worries me so much.

    3. It happens*

      A Wednesday wedding is a LOT less expensive. And if half the people can’t make a midweek trip, it’s even LESS expensive. It’s a feature, not a bug. The couple loves you, but maybe they can’t actually afford to have a wedding that includes everyone they’d like to include. Don’t feel bad about not going.

      1. Observer*

        That’s all true. But, if that’s what’s going on don’t make a big production of being upset that people can’t come. That’s really what’s sticking out at me “Please just accept the no.”\

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      tbh if someone is planning a Wednesday wedding, I’d assume that they’re kind of hoping a lot of people won’t come. You see this with destination weddings sometimes. The couple somewhat deliberately chooses a really inconvenient location because they have to invite their whole families but honestly don’t actually want 90% of the obligatory invitees to accept.

      So it’s weird if the couple is complaining. I’d have suggested that you were doing them a favor by saying no.

      1. Not a Mere Device*

        Some friends of mine had a midweek wedding a few years ago. It was cheaper because they paid less for the venue, but they had a lot of people there. This made sense because they and most of the people they wanted to invite lived in the same area. (I got married on a Tuesday, but that was at City Hall with less than a dozen guests, including our parents; the date was picked based on when my mother was going to be in town.)

    5. dorothy zbornak*

      getting married next Saturday and we picked Labor Day weekend to give people an extra day of travel (we live pretty far away from a lot of family and friends) and still got a ton of no RSVPs…sucks but we get it – it’s expensive and even with the extra day not everyone can swing it.

        1. dorothy zbornak*

          Yep! Some aren’t coming for that specific reason. Totally get it and of course we wish they could come but understand

    6. Aura*

      I can commiserate with you. I had a similar situation except the destination wasn’t as far but my friend also said no kids. At the time, I was due to have my baby about 2 months before the wedding. In addition to that, there were other things that led me to decide to decline the invite. My friend was very upset with me. She too didn’t accept the decline.

      I don’t think she had any respect for me or my parenting decisions b/c some her suggestions for making it work were bizarre…For example, she thought it would be a viable option to have a friend’s mom (a friend I’d never met, much less the mom) watch my baby. Uhm…HELL NO.

  66. That's Not My Job*

    I wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post last weekend. The trip was quite the whirlwind and I didn’t get a chance to respond to anyone but I read your comments eventually and they really helped me feel better. My brother did use the word “racist” in response to my mother’s comment, but he did it in a “if I didn’t have context for that comment, I’d think it was racist” kind of way. Spoiler alert: the context didn’t matter, it was still racist. After having some time to let my thoughts settle, I’m considering this a win. Mom may be a lost cause at the moment but I’m actually really optimistic about how dating someone who actually experiences racism will affect my brother. He sounds like he’s really big on communication and identifying things he needs to change about the way he talks to her, treats her, etc. I wish it didn’t fall to a WOC to teach her own boyfriend not to be racist/recognize racism, but I haven’t gotten through to him yet. I just hope he doesn’t break her heart.

    Here’s my question for today: since leaving last week, I’ve texted my brother a couple times, but there’s a reason I hadn’t heard anything about his life in a year and a half. He’s terrible at responding. Last year I texted happy birthday and did get a response, just two weeks later. He wants to know why we haven’t invited him out to our state and well, maybe if I thought I could get ahold of him in a reasonable time frame I would plan something! How do you keep in contact with someone who isn’t into phone calls and doesn’t reply to texts? Up until now I had just written it off as family not being close but seeing him again… I really miss him and we get along well these days and I’d love to keep in touch this time.

    1. CBE*

      Ask him! Just say “I would love to stay better connected to you. I feel like you don’t like phone calls, and texting doesn’t work too well, either, since a simple conversation takes weeks. What would work best for us to stay close?”
      Then be willing to start using Snachat, WhatsApp or whatever his answer is!

  67. Back up*

    Has anyone successfully improved their posture as an adult?

    I slouch, especially when sitting, which is most of the day for my office job. This leads to a lot of muscle tightness and fatigue, and a few times a year it all flares up into real pain. Regular massages can keep the pain in check. I try to take regular breaks and stay hydrated. I’ve done yoga and Pilates to help strengthen my core. A PT gave me some exercises. But I never see much improvement and I slack off. I’m probably impatient, but how long before I see results?

    This is also inspired by seeing photos from a recent wedding and OMG, my slouch was bad!

    1. jolene*

      Drop the yoga and PT exercises and do Pilates at least twice a week. Cheaper mat classes are fine. Also see a sports physio. Breaks and being hydrated mean nothing. You need to train your muscles to hold your bones in line and you need to learn what that feels like.

    2. Ann O.*

      If you can get a proper ergo consult to change your office set up, do that. You don’t want to just retrain your posture; you also want to remove the conditions that damage it in the first place.

      If you can’t get a proper ergo consult, there are guidelines online that can help you move things around yourself. Personally, I find that I can never do as good a job setting up my workstation as I get through a trained professional doing it.

      Otherwise, yes, I’ve made a lot of improvements in mine, although it’s a constant battle (mirrors! Mirror check in to keep yourself honest as much as possible). If you do them consistently, properly assigned PT exercises should show improvement within several weeks. If you do them erratically, it’s really hard to know. Some bodies will never improve on erratic conditioning; some will improve but just more slowly.

      1. Ender*

        Where I live companies are legally obliged to provide their employees with an ergonomic assessment of their work. Contact your H&S dept (or HR if you don’t have dedicated H&S). They might give you a proper chair and adjust various things to make your posture better.

    3. Lora*

      Yes. Combination of dance class and weight lifting to strengthen my back muscles so they’re always a bit tensed, and a firmer mattress. Then it became normal.

    4. Belle di Vedremo*

      Yes, by a lot. Lessons in the Alexander Technique. FM Alexander describes it as, “the use of the self.” Learning to find more freedom in all movement and postures, learning to attend to it regularly. I prefer group classes to private (you can’t see what’s happening in other people if you’re the only student) or table lessons (lie on a massage table and get hands-on work.) I wanted to learn ways to make things better for myself. It’s fascinating to me to watch someone else shift, and teaches me a lot about recognizing and interpreting what I’m doing. It’s pretty cool.

    5. Not So Little My*

      I’m dealing with this now. A lot of Pilates has helped, but I missed a few months due to unemployment and started having pain again. I’m seeing a different Pilates trainer that works with my usual trainer, and she’s introducing these techniques called Nutritious Movement from a biomechanicist named Katy Bowman which are all about unlearning unhealthy postures for movement. It doesn’t seem woo-woo at all and the stretches are helping with the pain.

    6. nep*

      My posture improved quite a bit in my adulthood, after I started strengthening exercises for core and shoulders–just overall strength training.

    7. R*

      Consider getting a new desk chair. Try an armless one, very spartan and upright. It encourages good posture. Make sure the pan (seat) is the right depth for your legs so that you sit upright. I find them much more comfortable.

      1. Back up*

        I’m lucky enough to have a good set up at work. I slouch everywhere and in photos from the wedding, I did not enjoy seeing my head jutting out like a turtle. Stand up straight, Ms. Back up!

  68. Family Drama*

    My relative, to whom I am not very close, tried to force her boyfriend to marry her by planning a wedding. She picked a date, signed contracts and paid deposits for services, and chose a location.

    She is not engaged and she never has been. Her boyfriend does not seem interested in marriage. He was not involved in the wedding planet, and may not even have known about it.

    My relative has now called off the non-wedding. She isn’t talking to anyone right now. She and her boyfriend are still living together.

    I’m lost here. Should I say or do anything? I’m not sure that I’m supposed to know that this happened. Should I mind my own business? Should I try to see if there is anything I can do to be helpful?

    1. Turtlewings*

      I would stay out of it and pretend it never happened. Your relative did something unwise and embarrassing; I think the best way you can help is letting her save face by not bringing it up.

      1. Girl friday*

        To offer what will probably be a different view: if they have the budget, people will often plan ahead-especially if they want a certain time, or a certain date, or a certain place. It’s like signing your child up for a private school when you’re pregnant. If she has the budget, and she’s going to give an ultimatum, she might as well have everything ready to go. If I had been her though, I would have gone ahead with the party.

    2. Penguin*

      Based on your description it doesn’t sound like there’s reason for you to get involved in the aftermath. If your relative /asked/ for your help then that might change, but as of now I’d say just continue your life.

    3. PB*

      Wow, that’s… something.

      But yes, I’d say stay out of it. You say you’re not very close to her and you don’t know that she wants you to know about it. Unless she brings it up to you, I’d just let it go.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      You admit you’re not that close to your relative. There are undoubtedly things about her relationship that you don’t know; who knows what promises her boyfriend made her or what conversations they had when no one else was around. I’d be slow to cast her as pushy or a fool. Are you 100% sure that she was trying to push her boyfriend into marrying her? Did she tell you this? I wouldn’t believe it unless it came from her. I’ve had quite a few friends start planning their weddings before their boyfriends officially proposed. I can think of at least one regular commenter here who did that as well.

      1. Family Drama*

        I don’t think she’s pushy or a fool. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with her knows she’s bright.

        I can’t be 100% sure about the story as I know it. You’re right.

        I was told that she explained that she did it because she wanted to marry him. She didn’t tell me that herself. She’s not talking much right now, understandably, and she’s been quiet since having an argument with one of her parents.

        It was brought up with me in hopes that I would have some kind of insight. I don’t think I brought anything new to the table, beyond explaining, when asked if I had thought something was unusual about her Pinterest wedding plan board, that a lot of women our age do enjoy planning their someday future weddings.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Unless she personally brings it up with you to discuss, pretend it never happened. If you were close I’d suggest checking in to see how she’s doing, but since you aren’t it could look like fishing for gossip.

      1. Family Drama*

        That’s a good point. I’ll stay out of it unless she discusses it with me.

        I’ll admit I do find the whole event weirdly interesting (how does this happen and how do you handle the end of it?), which could come through in how I talk about it, too.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I guess you can that you’re sorry that the wedding was cancelled. Unfortunately, there really isn’t much you can do for cousin. If she wants sympathy you can give her some. If she wants advice, the offer it, but not unless she asks.

    8. Hellanon*

      “He wasn’t involved in the wedding planet” in this context is my new favorite autocorrect fail.

  69. Susan*

    I’m going to my primary in a few days. Lately I’ve been having pain in my right index finger. It was at the knuckle area but now it’s lower towards the palm. I don’t know if it’s the bone or nerve. Anyone have any insight on this? Should I go straight to a specialist (I don’t need a referral w my insurance). If so which one?

    Again I’m going to the doctor but didn’t want to google this.

    1. fposte*

      Sounds more like an RSI, especially on the right index finger. Try NSAIDs and icing and a break from your phone, especially texting. Your primary is a fine place to start.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Right index finger. Computer mouse? Arthritis?
      Do you have a hobby or work that requires your right hand with emphasis on your index finger?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          hmm. Could be an arthritis type of thing. I had arthritis in my big toe when I was in my early 30s, I said wth, but there is was. I used Glucosaime, that helped a lot. And I worked on my water intake because that also helps with pain levels. After a year or so it just stopped bothering me. The whole thing was odd.

  70. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Well, you might enjoy an update on my literally crazy neighbor. Thursday night, she sprayed her hose into my kitchen. Yep, that happened.

    Anyway, got the survey so I can redo my fence, and turns out that she had no idea where the line was. My fence is ON the line, but her chicken wire fence in the front yard is about 1.5 ft away from the actual line. I’m moving all my plants, cause she’ll move her fence (petty, petty). Just need mom to come and try to retrieve the daffodil bulbs, cause I don’t know where they are.

    She also sent me a registered letter. I picked it up Friday. Thursday night, she was demanding that I remove all the encroachments from her property – my fence (on the line), the branch off the tree in front (it’s owned by the town), and the trees on the side of my house (appear to be co owned). That speech ended in verbal harassment and the hose into the kitchen.

    The letter sheds light on what she was talking about. Reading between the lines: she’s in trouble with the town because she’s got a blow up pool with a chicken wire fence around it. They’re making her put in a fence. She wants to put it on the property line I think, but my fence is already there. And she wants to make it as long as possible, but the trees are in the way. (The front tree I have no idea, she’s dx’d bipolar and pretty clearly in crisis right now. Don’t try to understand the crazy.) She’s trying to make me pay for taking down the trees. I’m not.

    Best part is, the only reason she’s in trouble for the pool/fence situation is because she called code enforcement on ME for weeds which it turns out are on her property. When the guy came to look at the weeds, he also saw her pool and fence. It’s costing her thousands of dollars I’m sure, since my fence cost is $4k and her yard is 3x larger than mine (she has 6 lots, I have 2). Of course, if she were smart, she’d wait for me to do my fence, then just have hers butt up against it. But nope, she’s going to do the whole length. So I’m going to postpone my fence installation a month, then hopefully I can just have MY fence butt up against hers. Save me some money. I do love karma. :)

    2. Loopy*

      I…. don’t know if I could handle this even knowing I was in the right. You sound quite calm about it! I’d be miserable! Kudos to you!

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I’m calm because I vent online. And she’s trying to get a rise, so if I respond, she just escalates. I will have to go to the police station tomorrow and make a report of harassment however, because she did a bit more tonight. I’ll end up getting a restraining order unless her mental state is addressed before I get through that process. She’s bipolar (diagnosed), and currently in a manic crisis.

    3. Aquablue*

      I remember your previous letter about your neighbor!

      Is there a way to video-tape your interactions with you? She really does sound volatile and I’m wondering if having videos as proof would be helpful if you need it one day.

      Btw, I hope I don’t sound weird but I’m enjoying your updates…

      1. StellaBella*

        +1 to this. Use your phone if it has a camera on it and keep a video running of her harassment. It will help with restraining order.

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I’m working on getting cameras. gonna talk to the police as well today, since she did a bit more last night. I just want them to have a report, since I think I’ll end up with a lawyer at some point.

        1. Observer*

          In the meantime, use your phone.

          You can get cameras in fairly easily if you just want something basic.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            Nothing major, just yelled at me some more. From outside. While I was inside, with the windows closed. Best part – she did it in front of her grandkid’s parent(s). Neighbor has lost unsupervised access to her grandkids, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t help her case.

            1. Observer*

              Well, it’s good to her that her kid recognizes the issue. Not that it helps you, but it’s always heartening when someone protects their kids even from grandparents.

              (This past week someone wrote to two columnists about sending their kid to the grandparents alone, even though the last time the kid was there kid was in an accident and lost 2 fingers. I was less than impresses with Carolyn Hax’s answer. But she WAS unequivocal about not sending the kid. I was just “how are you comfortable sending a young child to people this neglectful?!”)

    4. LuJessMin*

      Years ago, my neighbor TOLD me I needed to cut down a tree on our shared fence because it interfered with their satellite dish. I told her the tree wasn’t bothering me, but if she wanted to pay to cut down the tree, she was welcome to. Still have the tree. :)

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        That’s kinda my approach. Funny thing is, I know that I make more than both of them combined. So she probably doesn’t have the money to take 2 mature trees down. I DO, but I don’t want to.

  71. Ey-not-Cy*

    I just spent last night and half the day working with my brother on a vest for the upcoming Steampunk festival. He wanted to learn to sew. Mom told him he needed me for this project. She helped him lay it out, and cut out the pieces yesterday. I did the pinning for him, he used the machine. He had me do the topstitching since I am the more experienced one. It was fun. He chose a rather complex pattern for a beginner to do, of course. It’s a lovely purple and gold brocade that he took the time to really line up the patterns when cutting out, so it turned out great.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      sounds wonderful! I once taught a friend how to sew for a similar specific event… and he kept going on learning. Always good to share the fun, too! It’s a great craft (think quilting bees) to do together.

  72. All the Above*

    I know this seems super ridiculous but this is really bothering me.

    I had given boyfriend a key to my house a couple months ago. He works until 1am and I gave it to him so he could let himself in on the nights he comes over so I don’t have to stay awake. I recently picked up a second job in order to pay some debt I have. We haven’t been able to see or talk to each other much because of my new job. Last night, I came home and he had left me flowers and note on my counter. I know I should be happy and thankful but I am irritated and feel my privacy has been violated. I haven’t talked to him at all and I don’t know what to say as I’m still bothered by this.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I could see me feeling like this.

      My first suggestion is to give it a couple of days before you do anything (beyond maybe a quick text of thanks). I suspect that you are really tired these days and that maybe that makes you more sensitive and reactive, especially to something that might feel like a demand or an incursion. Even better if you can get some solid sleep in the mean time.

      And then it might be worth thinking about and even talking out what connection means to each of you when you’ve got busy schedules like this. Speaking for myself, the busier I am, the more anything beyond what’s been discussed makes me uncomfortable; when my resources are limited, a surprise can feel like a statement that the other person might be hoping for some more of those resources than agreed.

      And often to the other person it doesn’t mean that at all; I can see him thinking hey, what a lovely way to reach out to my gf without demanding a response. Which doesn’t mean hey, great, do it again now that we’re clear, but it can help to unhook what feels like the implications from the situation. And maybe you can think about some ways he *could* channel that impulse without making you uncomfortable.

    2. The Mayor*

      YOU gave him a key, he did something thoughtful and sweet, and you feel violated? Sorry, I don’t get it, as if I had been that BF I maybe would’ve done something similar for the lady I was missing. Unless you expressly told him not to come by/come in with you not there, I think this is a natural consequence, and a very kind one, of your decision. Maybe you should have considered your privacy issues before you gave him a key?

      1. ..Kat..*

        I think, in hindsight, All the Above has realized she doesn’t want him to go in her home when she isn’t there. This is how she feels, not right or wrong.

      2. Red Reader*

        Yeah, no. She gave him a key so he could let himself in on nights she’s expecting him to arrive after she’s gone to bed. That’s pretty specific, and pretty clearly not intended as “just swan in whenever you want.” I’d have been irked too.

    3. AK*

      I’m trying to see it your way, but I’m having a tough time seeing the problem. Granted, I’ve never felt comfortable enough with anyone to give them a key to my home, but it’s always been my understanding that “I’m giving you a key” means “come over any time”, otherwise if you’re there when you make plans you could just let your SO in.

      What if he had still been there when you got home, because he got off work early and wanted to surprise you- would that have been better, or worse? What if he’d called you and said “hey I forgot breakfast this morning have you got anything I could run over and grab from the fridge”- would you have been comfortable with him being there without you if you’d known he was going over, or would you have said no?

    4. Ann O.*

      What kind of discussions did you have about the key when you gave it to him? It’s unclear from your summary if there was an intentional privacy violation or if this is a mismatch of expectations.

      Assuming the latter, I think it is important for you to clarify how you are okay with him using the key, but as much as possible, to do it in a way that acknowledges the sentiment behind what he did.

      IMHO, there is also nothing ridiculous at all about not wanting someone to leave surprises in your house. It’s just personality differences. Many people would find what he did sweet and thoughtful. But plenty of people also would feel creeped out by having someone intentionally come into their home when they’re gone.

      Now, if you’ve already communicated that you don’t want him using the key to come into your home when you’re gone, I think you’re in a different situation.

    5. BRR*

      I’m with fposte that you should give it a couple days. I can see why you feel this way but I wouldn’t feel the same. If the key was only for emergencies I would feel maybe different about it. I think you can lay out what you are and aren’t ok with but I don’t think you should be mad about it to him.

      1. Lissa*

        Yeah, you feel how you feel – that’s fine. But, I don’t think he did anything wrong from what you described, and I think it’s going to be really hard to get your message across without him feeling slapped down for doing something I’m sure he thought you’d love. If you decide that it’s worth it to you to have that conflict, go for it, but realizing that it’ll likely be pretty hurtful. Putting myself in his shoes – I think you could thank him for the thought and then later on down the line maybe talk to him about your intent behind the key?

        1. WellRed*

          Yeah, no easy way to tell him you didn’t like this. Be prepared for him to give the key back or at least never use it again.

        2. Courageous cat*

          Yeah. He tried to do something really nice for you, and you’re entitled to feel however you feel about it, but he’s gonna be hurt that you’re so irritated by it – likely no way around that.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Any chance that you are tired and therefore irritable? Give this a test by mulling over the idea if you weren’t working two jobs would this bother you less?

      Another idea that jumped at me was, is this the first time you gave someone a key? OR is this the first time someone used a key you gave them? I say this because a friend of mine has a key. Well, he’s done a lot of work on my house and my dog loves him. So sometimes he stops when I am not home. He always tells me,though. I get a note or a phone message. It felt weird to have someone actually use their key. I have grown more used to it.

      It’s okay to go back in on this one. What I would do is say, “I got in late/tired and I was not thinking so initially the flowers kind of spooked me. It was only for a second, but still.” Then offer a plan. “Can you text me to tell me there is a little surprise on my counter when I get home?” Or, “Can you deliver your surprises in person?”

      My friend and I start our day around 5 am. He knows I am up, so he will appear on my door step early some mornings. But I am not always dressed right away. During the winter months it is very dark. An almost six foot silhouette on my front porch can make my heart skip a few beats. So I said, I didn’t mind if he stopped over, but if he was going to be on my porch before sun rise could he please call first, so he doesn’t have to call 911 later.
      He quickly agreed and this is what we do now.

      Think about how you would like this to change, your conclusion here will be what you will offer your bf as a solution going forward.

    7. All the Above*

      When I gave him the key, I did tell him it was for the nights I go to bed early and he comes over after he is off work. (I have a tendency to sleep through when my phone rings and my neighborhood is not one anyone would dare to leave their door unlocked.)

      When he called today, I thanked him for the flowers and note(I am appreciative he thought to even give this), and left it at that. He did apologize for not telling me he was coming over, but only did it to surprise me. (I think he said this because he knows how I feel about the boundaries I have.)

      I know this seems ridiculous that I am upset. I don’t think I would feel any different without my second job. I have had to set some strict boundaries for myself and those around me (significant others, friends, family). My personality allows myself to end up being taken advantage of or the victim when I don’t stick to my boundaries.

      1. valentine*

        I get it and your upset is not ridiculous. I’ve never understood turning this back on the aggrieved party because the perpetrator was “being nice,” as doing something I don’t want, especially if we agreed otherwise, isn’t nice. The ouroboros of the surprise and violating your boundaries was more important to him than honoring your agreement and boundaries. Going forward, though, what are the consequences? Maybe tell him he was wrong and that another violation means you rescind the key.

        1. fposte*

          That sounds awfully close to how you’d discipline somebody to me, tbh, rather than how you work out disagreements in a partnership. If there are reasons he should understand about why All is having this reaction, she can explain that to him. If he doesn’t listen, that’s another matter, but what he did is a problem because All didn’t like it, not because it was inherently wrong, and that’s not something people are automatically going to guess in advance.

      2. TL -*

        You can absolutely say “Hey, it was a really lovely gesture but I think you guessed that I was a little stressed out by someone being in my home without me knowing. I loved the flowers and I miss you too, but a head’s up text next time that you’re popping by to leave me a surprise would make the experience perfect.”

        1. Washi*

          I think this is great. It sounds like the bf doesn’t have history of violating boundaries or anything and based on the phone call sounds pretty attuned to verbal cues, so I think just a clarification that you love knowing he’s thinking about you but you’d appreciate a heads up when he stops by. It doesn’t need to be a huge lecture or discussion! (If he makes a big thing of it that’s on him)

        2. Lissa*

          That is great phrasing! I was struggling to think of a way to say this that wouldn’t make the guy feel slapped down, and I think this could work really well.

      3. KayEss*

        I don’t think it’s ridiculous that you’re upset, but the conversation for setting the boundary will probably be difficult. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set it, but I’d be prepared for him to feel a bit hurt and rejected–you’re essentially saying to him, “our relationship isn’t as close as you thought.” Which is a totally fine thing to say, in any relationship, at any time! … But also a difficult one to hear.

        I’d probably approach it as, “I appreciate what you meant with the gesture, but I need my home to be ‘by invitation only’ for EVERYONE but me in order to feel comfortable and safe. I gave you a key for convenience, but going forward can we agree that you only use it when I’ve invited you over [insert ‘or in an emergency’ here, if applicable]?” He may bluster or protest a bit because he feels rejected, and maybe just let him say his piece, but then repeat and emphasize, “I know you meant well, but this is what I need for the future. Can we agree to it?” Also consider scheduling some fluffy couple-time relationship self-care like a fun movie and take-out on the couch or whatever for right after the conversation, so you’re not having this moment of emotional boundary-setting as two stressed-out ships passing in the night.

  73. LonelyAF*

    Sorry in advance for all of this, it’s something I’m not exactly comfortable discussing IRL but have been thinking about for a while and I think it’ll make me feel a little better just to get it out.

    A friend of mine is going through a breakup and recently posted some motivational quote about not choosing people who don’t choose you, and while I don’t usually pay attention to platitudes over pictures of flowers it’s really stuck with me and been on my mind a lot recently. The more I think about it, the less ‘chosen’ I feel by friends. Don’t get me wrong, I know that everyone has their own stuff and I’m not expecting to be everyone’s highest priority by any means, but I’ve got one friend who I’ve been trying to get on the phone for almost a month and another that is now almost impossible to get for any kind of face to face time. There are a few others behaving similarly, and I honestly don’t believe I’ve done anything to turn anyone away- no one seems unhappy with me, just unavailable. I’ve tried justifying it that people are just busy, and while I can understand and accept that completely I can’t stop myself feeling a little hurt when people go radio silent for days at a time. I’m still reaching out to them, not just waiting for people to make plans or reach out. All of this is made worse by the fact that my relationship with the friend I’ve always considered My Person has completely disappeared because his girlfriend made him completely cut off all contact with basically every woman he knows who isn’t his family. I don’t know what happened, because despite the length and nature of our relationship (which has only ever been platonic without even a hint of sexual anything) I didn’t make the cut. I know that I’m looking for a little bit more from other friends now because there’s such a huge hole from that friendship, but I’ve made sure not to overwhelm anyone with my near desperation for a connection.

    I’m completely aware that this is a little ridiculous, but it also doesn’t feel like something I can talk to friends about without looking like I’m asking for sympathy and trying to guilt them into doing something. That’s not what I’m going for here either, just needed to vent a little. Thanks/sorry if you read all that word vomit :)

    1. Lissa*

      I do get what you’re saying. To me, one of the hardest parts of adult friendships is navigating what to do when someone has you as a Level 5 friend and you have them as a Level 8 friend, or vice versa, and also what those levels even mean to people. I’ve been on both ends, and it’s really hard, especially when you’re feeling the lack of a connection. I remember sitting in my house in tears because a friend didn’t get back to me when we’d made casual plans for that day. It was an awful feeling.

      Right now I’m in a bit of the opposite situation – someone wants to be “one on one” friends with me and I see him more as a “friendly in groups” person, and I’m really balancing being both honest and kind.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Keep adding people to your life. I learned this from watching my father. He did not keep adding people to his life and as he aged he knew more and more dead people. He was very sad and it was very hard for me to watch this unfold.

      Decide to add more folks to your life even if it’s just casual friends and not best friend potential. It’s a good life habit because as we go along people come and go in our lives. The silence/quiet can be overwhelming, after a bit.

      As far as your current people, you can wait it out and/or you can decide you are done with some. It’s not ridiculous to grieve or feel a sense of loss, it’s time and stages of life and a whole bunch of things all rolled into one story. Tell yourself it’s okay to grieve these friendships. And promise yourself you will go find more well-chosen friends.

      1. fposte*

        I love your “keep adding people.” I’ll also add, and I know you’ve advocated this as well, add people of different ages. That gives you a lot of insight into different paths of life and makes you less likely to have the “everybody is at this stage but me” problem.

        1. Lemonworld*

          I love “keep adding people” too and the advocating for different ages. The only downside is that I’m often jealous of my retired friends, but they give me plenty of incentive to keep planning and saving. And my younger friends definitely make me feel grateful that the starting -out-establishing-self phase of my life is in the dim and distant past.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Am giggling. Every life stage has it’s advantages and disadvantages. It’s easy to see where Thing way over there looks really good. Secretly, I watch my friends and see how they are making out with this new idea or that new idea and then I can decide for myself what ideas are best for me. Older friends can be a walking encyclopedia of what works and what does not work. They can also be a how-to-manual for short cuts to getting out of some types of problems.
            I don’t wanna wake up one morning and find I am the oldest person I know. But if I am “lucky” that may happen. ha!

    3. ..Kat..*

      Sometimes, friends are going through phases in their lives where they are more focused on something/someone other than you. If you touch base once in a while, the phase might end. And you can rekindle your friendship.

      Or, they could be just selfishly cutting you out because they feel they have found something better.

      Or somewhere in between.

      You can decide whether to touch base on a much less frequent basis and hope for the best. Or drop the friendship.

      But, definitely seek out new friends.

      I am sorry that this is happening to you. It can be very frustrating and lonely.

    4. Ender*

      Definitely keep adding new friends – it’s normal for people to drift apart over time and if you don’t make new friends eventually you’ll have none left.

      It sucks about your male friend. I always had loads of male friends growing up and over the years every single one of them dropped all their female friends when they got a new girlfriend. Many of them came back to the group when they broke up, but eventually over time they all drifted away. I now only have one close male friend left, all the rest are female. It sucks but it happens. It’s probably more about the fact that the new girlfriend is uncomfortable with the friendship than anything else, and it has to be a very special friendship for a guy to choose a friend over a girlfriend. It hurts when you realise that he chose his new relationship over his long standing friendship.

      Bear in mind that if you are trying to get “more” out of your friends than before, they may just not have the bandwidth. Think through your friends and think of which might have a bit more time an energy available than the others – who is single, doesn’t have kids, living away from family etc. Those are the people to reach out to because they currently have the time and energy to talk to you.

  74. Anonymosity*

    I bought a French press!

    I had a 12-cup coffeemaker, but I live alone and no one ever comes over, so I barely use it. It’s a waste to make a whole pot of coffee just for me. And I can’t drink it later than noon anyway or I’m up all night, especially not that Cafe Bustelo stuff, which is tasty but DAMN.

    Today, I was knocking around in Tuesday Morning looking for a set of measuring spoons (didn’t find any) and I saw a little Mr. Coffee press. It was only $11 so I got it. It’s 33 ounces, so that’s enough for me and a guest, or I can make a smaller amount just for me and have actual brewed coffee instead of just using instant. I found a website that had an actual recipe with actual amounts so I don’t have to do any math (what’s all this crap about ratios, etc.!?).

    Not only that, but it takes up way less space than the big coffeemaker. Yay! This afternoon, I cleaned that sucker out good with vinegar and water, and I’ll put it in my garage sale. A while back, I’d bought a small grinder for flaxseed, but I can use it for coffee instead and try some nice beans. Tomorrow morning I’m going to give it a go.

    Just think; if a miracle happens and my crush comes over, I can make him a nice cup of joe. :)

    1. LGC*

      Have you tried making cold brew?

      Do it, and post in the weekend thread next week. You’re welcome in advance.

      But yeah, French presses are…amazing things. I should really use mine more often.

      2. Anonymosity*

        No, I don’t like iced coffee. I want my coffee hot, even if it’s 6000 degrees outside. I don’t want to wait very long for it in the morning, either. I’m more of a tea drinker, so I usually only have one cup a day unless I’m really sleepy or something.

      1. Anonymosity*

        Oh, I shall. Heh heh. A friend said it’s great for loose leaf tea also. I have a special teapot for that, but in the interest of space, if I have to move to a much smaller place, I can get rid of the teapot and just use the press. It’s metal and glass so it shouldn’t be a problem if I clean it well.

    3. Erika22*

      I did the same thing a few months ago! I love using the French press versus the traditional coffee maker – I feel less wasteful and for some reason it’s more satisfying to make my coffee this way.

    4. Anonymosity*

      I tried it this morning and got a very smooth (though very strong! Aack!) cup of coffee. I followed the directions in this recipe and used the timer on my phone, and it came out fine. https://crema.co/guides/french-press-coffee. Also, that was easy to make. I have an electric kettle, so I don’t have to futz with heating up the water.

      All I have right now is some (admittedly old) fair trade stuff from Aldi and Cafe Bustelo — I’ll try that one next and then look for some really nice beans.

  75. The New Wanderer*

    Ugh, my cell phone number made it onto some spam list or other recently and now I’m getting daily spam texts of various kinds. I’ve had this number for years and have had maybe 5 spam texts in 5 years, now I’ve had three in the past three days. That includes one that says “Such-and-such business has responded to your Bark”, which wtf??? Is that even a thing?

    At least we figured out that the reason I had a major ibuprofen-resistant headache for 7 straight hours yesterday afternoon/evening was due to being served decaf instead of regular coffee. The three of us who drink coffee never caught on until this morning, but nobody else was as badly affected.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Can you block the numbers on your phone? Annoying that you have to do it but it should cut down on the amount of spam you get.

      And the decaf thing would drive me crazy too! I usually drink way less coffee when I’m on holidays and the first two weeks are always a nightmare.

    1. Zona the Great*

      You’ll have to wait until the Friday thread to post this as it will likely be deleted. I’m looking now and would be happy to respond.

    2. Chaordic One*

      Yeah, I was expecting this to be deleted. You can try posting it to the last Friday thread. Fairly often people will be reading and responding to things on the Friday thread on the following Saturday and even the following Sunday.

  77. Trixie*

    Splurged on a Breville juicer today! I’ve moved off the smoothie routine and thought this will be a nice change of pace. Eventually, think the pulp will great with egg frittata muffins or cream soups. Will be geeking out in my kitchen tonight and report back to tomorrow with first results.

  78. Gaia*

    Ya’ll this is petty and dumb but I’m here to share it anyway:

    I had one of the first gmail accounts. My first one was opened in the spring of 2004. At some point in 2010ish I changed the password and couldn’t remember it and I haven’t had access every since. I’ve been trying for EIGHT YEARS to recover this stupid account (I don’t actually want the email address – I have a much better one that is firstnamelastname@gmail.com that I use for all my emailing needs, I just want some old emails from it) to no avail.

    And it is killing me. WHY does google not offer better support for this? All my info on both accounts match. They emailed eachother repeatedly for years (why? No idea…mostly random pictures? I’m sure I had a reason at the time)

    BAH

    2. Luna123*

      Ugh, same, I have an email address that I made in middle school, then I made a second, much more professional-sounding once in high school. A few years ago I started forwarding everything from my first email address to my second one . . . and now I can’t access my first one at all because I’ve completely forgotten the password.

  79. Jean (just Jean)*

    Building on the subthread above started by NYCWeasel (aka NYWeasel?):
    Home-making corner:
    Any grand or modest plans for improving your corner of the world this weekend? This can be anything from cleaning the bathroom to repainting the entire dwelling. It’s also fine to prioritize self-renewal for the Home Improvement Crew. :-)
    Me, I’m working on accepting life limitations while still chipping away, slowly, at both the clutter and the habits/decisions/circumstances that help the clutter to keep coming back. If I finish a few tasks I’ll be happy.

    1. Lady Kelvin*

      I’ve been waiting out the hurrican’t that nailed the big island but apparently is going to just threaten Oahu, so I finally finished putting contact paper in my kitchen cabinets. I started it when we moved in before I unpacked, but ran out of paper and then bought it and never finished. So now I’m probably 90% of the way done and got all the “must-dos” done. Two extra unexpected days off will do that for you.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      We finally got the washing machine moved out of the kitchen and into the bathroom! This project has stretched on for a long time, as a lot of things snowballed. Now we just have to move the dryer and the kitchen remodel can begin in full. Am very excited to see it all start to come together!

    3. Jessen*

      I’m planning on rearranging my workspace to improve cat flow. This basically means moving all the perch area (both the petting-height perch and the surveying-territory perch) to one side, while the actual work stuff is on the other. This will hopefully reduce the need to walk across my keyboard to switch perches.

      1. Daphne*

        “Cat flow” – brilliant term that I never knew I needed to learn! Trouble is, will the furry beasts actually take the hint and take the new route or still find reasons to trample across the keyboard? It was an annoying problem that I actually miss now that I no longer have cats in the house!

        1. Jessen*

          I’m finding in general as long as I place an area within petting range that she can sit and soak up attention I have a better chance.

          She’s rather a little attention hog, always wants her ears rubbed.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I straightened my garage this weekend. I collected a few things for a tag sale and tossed some other things that were worn out.
      It’s daunting in that garage. There is no room to really move around unless I take stuff out. (Small building.) Half the stuff I am not sure why I saved it or what it goes to. I have a friend who will tell me what some of the stuff is, as he is familiar with this type of stuff. But the clutter. So I figured out a couple larger things to unload this will create some space and I will do this again next year. I have been doing this for about four years now and it sure is a slow process. I do feel good about the decisions I have made so far.

  80. Aurora Leigh*

    I am thoroughly PO’d with my mom right now.

    She has been less than pleased with me since I moved out about 3 years ago (I was 24) and even less pleased since I moved in with my boyfriend in June (this wasn’t a hasty decision, we had been dating over a year). She said a lot of cruel things (and so did my dad) when I told them about moving in with my bf, but I thought we had moved on a bit.

    Until last weekend, when I invited my sibs, who still live at home, to join bf and I on a camping trip. We have extra gear for them, and I even said I would drive the 3 hours out of the way to pick them up. She said no, and didn’t even bother to respond to my texts about trying to plan something later and what their schedules are like right now.

    And today I found out from my grandma that my dad has has been sick with vertigo for 3 days and not eating or leaving his bed, which is highly unlike him.And my mom couldn’t be bothered to call or text me.

    I feel like I’m being cut out of my family for making normal adult decisions about my life, and it hurts!

    1. Ender*

      It sounds like all your contact with your family is via your mom? That’s giving her too much power. Why not message your sibs directly about going camping. Why not get in touch with your dad directly? Your mom might be the only one annoyed with you, or they might all be annoyed with you, but unless you contact the other members of your family you’ll never know.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        My mother is usually the only one that answers the landline. Sibs don’t have their own phones (1 might have own email, but never checks it), Dad had his own cell, but he never hears it.

        The only time I can talk to my sibs without her in the room is when I drive the 3 hours each way out to their new place, and even then it’s hard.

    2. Julia*

      That really sucks, I’m so sorry. It’s unfair that your parents don’t respect your decisions and autonomy, and that your mother is keeping your siblings from you. How old are they? Will they be able to get out of there soon? Are you actually in contact with them personally or only via your mother?

      My mother is often dissatisfied with me as well, but oddly, once I moved out and far away, we get along better because she knows she has to be nice or I’ll cut her off.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I think my mother knows I would be pretty done with her at this point if it weren’t for my sibs . . . so she’s clamping down. Sis is 24, but due to pretty crippling anxiety (and pissible other mental health stuff) I don’t see her striking out on her own anytime soon. Bro is 13 . . . trust me, I am mentally counting down till his 18th birthday. Mom is already pressuring him to live at home and go to a local college. Boyfriend and I have agreed that bro will always have a place with us once he’s 18, and I have passed that on to bro. But that’s still 5 years away.

        1. Julia*

          That sounds really tough, I’m sorry.
          If you’re willing to let your brother live with you in five years, could your sister live with you now? I’m guessing it’s not an option since you don’t bring it up, though. :(

          I don’t really have any advice, but maybe a good therapist or someone with similar parents can counsel you on this a little?

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Thank you for the sympathy. It’s really nice to have other people recognize the crazy . . . I no longer make excuses for mom like I would have a few years ago.

            While I would love to help my sister, I have realized that she has to *want* help, and she actually *seems* happy with the status quo. She has always been doted on by mom and I think they might be a little co-dependant.

            Also, this sounds terrible, but it is one thing to support an 18yo who is in college or trying to launch into the working world, and it is another to support a 24yo who has never held down a job and doesn’t seem to have a desire to do so or to pursue higher education.

            Family can be so hard . . .

            1. Julia*

              Family is hard.

              Could you think of your sister as an emotionally stunted 24-year-old with the mind of a teenager? Because that’s what it sounds like she is.

        2. Ender*

          A 13yo not having their own cell I understand but a 24yo? Wow. Your mom sounds like a total control freak.

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Yeah . . . my bf mentions Stockholm syndrome when the topic of my sister comes up. Sadly, not a lot I can do unless she *wants* help.

  81. DoctorateStrange*

    I’m working on improving my credit. I’ve had a debit card since I was 22, but now that I’m turning 28 next month, I think it’s time to be an adult and get a credit card. I want to move out eventually (I love my family, but it’s hard living with them these days) so I know that, besides saving money, I need to get good credit.

    I’m a little worried about signing up for a credit card. I have a friend that uses one credit card for groceries, another for gas only, and the last one for fun (she’s careful about not using this one too often.) Should I go that route? Any other tips and suggestions for my first credit card?

    Right now, my credit score is average, so, hopefully, it won’t be too difficult to improve it.

    1. KR*

      You really only need one card. I know people who just use it forget, or a monthly bill, or whatever. I got a discover it card. Decent perks and accepted most places. Your bank may also be willing to open one up for you – that’s the route my husband took.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        The Discover It card was my first credit card, too – I still have it, and my experience has bern positive overall. I also have a Visa card through my bank, which I got because there are still places here and there that don’t take Discover. The Discover card makes it really easy to apply cashback rewards to the bill, which I like. (I can do it with my Visa too, but they don’t make it quite as simple and obvious, so I usually forget and only apply that to my bill every few months.)

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      I like my Amazon Visa a lot . . . the points earned on gas and restraunts can be used for Amazon purchases (either practical or frivolous). I pay all my bills with the card and have it set up so the balance is autopayed each month. Always paying the balance in full has helped me build a good credit score, even though I have only ever taken out a small loan.

      This method works for me, because I treat my credit card exactly like my debit card and don’t buy stuff I can’t afford. My boyfriend struggles with not overspending on his card, so he’s planning to close it completely. He’s built up good credit with car loans and a mortgage though.

    3. msroboto*

      My bank had an offer for 150 free money for using the card .. I think you had to charge about 500 in 90 days. BE CAREFUL!! You ideally want to be able to pay that off quickly within the same billing period. Also, 1% cash back and if I have the rewards automatically transferred to my account it’s 1.5% (maybe 1.25% but higher). This is Bank of America.
      Chase usually has a similar deal.

    4. Kuododi*

      Be very careful. Once that itty bitty piece of plastic is in the wallet, it is amazing how much faster ones ability to justify “wants” over “needs” without breaking a sweat. DH and I got ourselves into a bit of a pickle when we were younger and sillier. We’ve been able to reprioritize and repay about 3/4 of that nonsense however between my chronic medical bills and his student loans, it’s going to be a situation for awhile longer. These days I only carry my debit card and my FSA debit card. The only credit card we have now…. I keep mine at home frozen in ice. Be careful and best wishes.

    5. Gaia*

      What I do is this:

      I have one bill that auto charges to my credit card every month and then about five days later I have an auto payment setup to pay off that amount. This way, I have regular activity (some cards will close the account if it is never used) but my balance always reports as $0 (which looks good for credit reporting because you have available credit that you are responsible enough to not use all the time) and I never pay interest (because the payment clears before the statement even prints).

      I don’t carry mine with me because I know if I have it, I am more likely to use it.

      I avoid rewards cards for the same reason (I know myself well enough to know I’d be tempted to max out rewards and end up spending more than I could payoff).

      You also want to consider credit mix. There are three types of credit: revolving (credit cards), installment (car loans, home loans, student loans, etc), and open credit (like a charge card or an overdraft line that has to be paid in full monthly). Most people will never have open credit and for best results you’d like to show a bit of a mix between revolving and installment credit.

    6. Lizabeth*

      The best piece of advice I got from my dad was this: if you don’t have the money already in hand to pay for something, don’t put it on the credit card. The “only” exception I make to this is car repairs because there is no way to anticipate this!

    7. Ender*

      Just make sure you set it up so it pays off in full every single month, and then make sure you never buy anything you can’t afford to pay off in a month, and you shouldn’t have any problem.

      1. ..Kat..*

        This! Only charge what you can pay off that month. Otherwise, you end up paying a lot more for the items you purchase with your card.

        And credit cards are more secure than debit cards.

        Also, with many credit cards, you can set up your account to get a text or email every time your card is charged. This can help prevent fraud.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I agree with the idea that you only need one credit card, I got a Visa or Mastercard and that is it.
      The one time my husband had a separate gas card was for tracking gas purchases for his job. This involved his tax return and IRS, so we benefited from having a card that showed only work related purchases. It had a very low credit limit which was perfect.

      Years and years ago, the running advice I got was to get a credit card from a retailer. Keep it a while, then go for a major card. This worked. I got a card from a well-known jewelry store. Grapevine said they would give a card to anyone, and the grapevine was correct, they gave me one when I applied. After a bit I got my own bigger card banking off of the jewelry store card that I NEVER used. (huh?!)
      I do remember that fear/concern. My mother had no credit rating at all. Back in those days women were given the short end of the deal. Additionally, I encountered problems because of being a woman. When I married the bank would not allow me to keep an account in my maiden name. (What possible reason could this matter what I call myself?) So with all this type of thing in my background I was overwhelmed.

      Currently, my thought for you is to try a credit union. Tell them what you said here, that you are trying to build credit. If one credit union can’t help you for whatever reason then try a different CU. I think someone will help you with a modest card, this is your starting point. Don’t worry about the limit being too small., we have to start somewhere. My first card kept increasing my limit as time went on. I have a very comfortable limit. A good rule of thumb is to plan on using only half of your limit. Half of my limit would bail me out of many types of emergencies.

    9. BRR*

      I pay off my credit card at least twice a week. This helps me better track cash flow as I otherwise would likely overspend.

    10. Overeducated*

      I have two (different banks, one I really never use anymore) and I just treat them as debit cards. I have simply never been tempted to use them for things outside my budget, there’s nothing to be scared of. Sometimes I think if there is a possibility of fraud or dispute (e.g. a large transaction online or with a new retailer) it is better to use credit because the threshholds for money the bank will let you lose are generally lower.

    11. fposte*

      I have three credit cards, one of which almost never gets used; it’s one Discover for domestic and a Visa for when the Discover doesn’t work, and one that automatically comes with my bank but offers nothing useful. In general, one credit card is fine.

      I am nearly cashless; I do everything with my credit cards, and they’re always paid off. Every week I check the online accounts and input the transactions into my budget; that’s how I make sure the spending stays visible (and also I catch any irregularities pretty quickly).

    12. FD*

      If you’re worried about the willpower problem, a good way to do it is to get one credit card (Visa is the way to go if you just want a set-it-and-forget-it option, it’s very widely accepted). Put any recurring bill on it. Literally anything. Netflix, your electric bill, whatever, as long as it posts on the same day every month. Let’s say that you put your electric bill on there, and your electric bill always posts on the 10th or on the first business day thereafter.

      Then, set your credit card to pay its full balance from your bank account some amount of time later–in this case, I would do it for the 20th, but some day that’s at least 5 days after your recurring bill, but before your credit card payment is due.

      Then you can basically never touch the card again; all you have to do is check up now and then to make sure the payments are posting properly. It’ll build your credit and you won’t have to do anything.

      1. FD*

        As an alternative, I personally prefer to put everything on my credit cards. I have a Discover as my primary and a Visa for (as fposte says) where Discover won’t work. Discover has way better points IMO and I actually find their customer service to be pretty awesome.

        I’m paid bi-weekly, and every two weeks, I pay off my card balances in full. So I basically treat them like a debit card; I just remember to go in and make the payments. I always remember since I balance my checkbook and check my receipts at the same time.

        This method has a few benefits over debit cards. 1) Points! I end up getting about $180 in rewards per year without spending anything extra and I use that on guilt-free ‘fun’ spending. 2) Protection. Consumer fraud protection is actually stronger for credit cards than for debit cards, so I REALLY prefer to use credit cards anywhere I’m worried about the risk of card skimmers (e.g. self-check machines, self-service gasoline, hotels).

        Honestly, the best litmus test is how you already use your debit card. Do you find you overspend when you use your debit card? That you tend to plan to spend $20 but then spend $25 all the time, even if you can afford it? Use the first method. If you find you’re pretty consistent with spending within your budget already, credit cards don’t tend to make you any worse in my experience.

        1. Dan*

          In any other context, this would be pedantic, but it matters here, especially because OP is new to all of this.

          It’s worth pointing out that there are some nuanced differences between “Visa” and “Discover.” While there is one Discover, Visa is just a payment processing network, it’s not the company a consumer calls for customer service issues. A customer, never, ever talks to “Visa”. The consumer’s experience is with a particular bank — Chase and Citi are two big banks that issue credit cards using the Visa network. Mastercard is the same way. In fact, some banks issue both Mastercard and Visa credit cards.

          American Express is more like Discover, although they do let some banks issue their own cards using the American Express processing network. I find that relationship a little odd, but hey.

    13. Persimmons*

      I love my Discover card, but I need a second card because a lot of mom-and-pop places will only take Visa/Mastercard. I don’t mess with the rewards games–gas, airline points, all that. It’s too complicated and takes up too much mental room. I stick to straight-up cashback.

      1. Dan*

        As an avid miles and points junkie, my “mass market” advice is that unless one has an interest in flying business or first class over seas, then cash back cards are the way to go.

        I don’t find the miles and points programs to be all complicated, but the banks and airlines have been way too generous in the past, and they’re making it progressively harder to extract outsize value from the program, and to do so relatively quickly.

    14. Gatomon*

      Start with one card! Opening a bunch all at once will hurt your credit, actually. I’d get one and then use it for a year or so before opening another.

      Some cards will offer better benefits for certain purchases. I bet that’s why your friend has separate cards for gas and groceries. There are whole forums dedicated to maxing out different credit card benefits, but I would just start with a basic card that rewards you no matter what you purchase, no silly quarterly or monthly bonus categories. You don’t want to start thinking of spending more or purchasing things just to get rewards. The card companies try to turn it into a game and hope that you’ll overspend so they can profit off your interest payments. Some people have figured out how to play the game and win, but that’s not most of us.

      With my first card in college, I got into trouble because I didn’t know how to budget. I just bought things, and then paid whatever I had towards the card, didn’t really pay attention to how much I’d spent vs. how much I could afford to pay. I also thought that if I had (for example) a $1,000 balance, and charged $200, then paid $200, I was somehow treading water. Instead I was digging myself deeper. The interest was building on the full $1,200 balance because of how the credit card company charged interest, so maybe $25 dollars went to interest and $175 was paid off, leaving me with a $1,025 balance. One of the things I got in college on that card was a new laptop. By the time I got the card paid off 4 years later, that laptop was on its last legs. I don’t want to think about how many times over I paid for that laptop.

      Now I have a cash back card and I treat it like a debit card. I use it for all purchases and I reconcile those in YNAB so they are accounted for in my budget no differently than a debit card purchase, the actual cash just hasn’t left my bank account yet. Mostly I use it to protect myself from card theft. I don’t want someone draining my actual bank account. Cash back is a nice perk that I hope to use on some computer parts during the holidays.

    15. Prof_Murph*

      You really only need one card. I have an American Express and I put all my expenses on it – cell phone, cable bill, car insurance etc. I do this for the points, and you may want to get a Visa or Master Card instead, as there are rare instances where AmEx is not accepted. My best piece of advice: pay off the card every month. Don’t ever get into the habit where you are carrying a balance from one month to the next. It’s a very hard habit to break.

    16. Lady Kelvin*

      We put everything on our credit cards unless we absolutely have to pay for something with cash. We do two things that prevents us from paying a dime in interest fees:
      1. We pay off the credit cards every month. We have automatic payments every month to pay the balance of the last statement.
      2. We make sure we are only spending this month’s money by using a budgeting software. We use Mint which tracks all your accounts in one place and in real time lists your charges which then you can categorize into your different budgets. We never look at what is in our actual bank account because we know it does not reflect how much money we actually have, we look at our mint balance and see how much we have spent vs our income to determine if we can or should spend money on something. Now that we both have real jobs we live so far below our income that we don’t pay as much attention to it as we did, but when we were both in grad school we tracked every penny and it was a life saver.

    17. Ms Cappuccino*

      Sorry for asking but I am curious to why is it necessary to have a credit card for moving out? I don’t see the connection. Maybe it’s a cultural difference but I never had a credit card and never needed one to move out. You’d have to pay interests for anything you buy with it, instead of saving the money for what you need.

      1. DoctorateStrange*

        For context, I live in Texas. Some landlords do see if you’re a good candidate for an apartment by checking your credit score. If they see that it’s bad, they will worry if you’re able to pay your rent on time and so forth.

  82. Bed Bugs*

    Posting this for a friend who’s freaking out right now. His best friend just told him that she found 30 bed bugs under her bed a couple of days ago and is going through the process of getting rid of them. According to her, the bed bugs are recent, but we’ve done some reading and it seems like it takes weeks for there to be that many BB. He has gone over to her house a few days a week for the last 3 months. He usually sits on a chair in her room, but he has sat on her bed a few times. He bought mattress/pillow covers that should be arriving tomorrow and will be putting most of clothes in the dryer. My friend hasn’t noticed any bugs or bites, but we’ve also been reading that it could take a few weeks to notice any bugs. He’s freaking out right now. What else should he be doing?

    1. ..Kat..*

      Paying for professional bedbug detection/eradication services now has the potential to wipe out the problem quickly and easily. Waiting to see if he finds evidence of bedbugs just gives them time to get established.

      Of course, he could pay for this service and not need it.

      Personally, I would pay for the service now unless the cost was just prohibitive to me. Of course, once bedbugs become established, the cost is even more prohibitive.

    2. Penguin*

      Oh, geez, I’ve had bedbugs; my sympathies to your friend!

      If he hasn’t brought clothing/bedding/duffel bags back and forth, it’s unlikely that he’s brought any bugs to his own space. Also, bed bugs are typically active most at night, so if he and/or his things haven’t spent time there overnight, it becomes even less likely that he has any.

      However, if he wants to “nuke the problem from orbit” (and I know that feeling VERY well) have him read this guide from Cornell and the NYS Integrated Pest Management Program: https://ecommons.cornell.edu/bitstream/handle/1813/55760/get-bed-bugs-out-NYSIPM.pdf
      It came out last winter, and there’s a TON of helpful, detailed information on dealing with bed bugs, including furniture traps, using a dryer to kill bugs lurking in laundry or bedding, and a bunch of other stuff.

      1. This Sucks*

        That is super helpful for my own issue I mentioned upthread–thank you!! I love that it doesn’t tell you to burn your house to the ground, but, rather, that with careful inspection and isolation, etc., many items can be saved.

        1. Penguin*

          Oh, good! Somehow I missed your earlier post, but I’m glad this helps! The guide was published about a year after I could’ve used it, so reading it was a bit of a mixed bag emotionally, but the very measured tone definitely would’ve helped me with the paranoia I developed during my own infestation.

          1. This Sucks*

            Yes, it definitely was a mixed bag emotionally. I ran right in and tested my dryer temp: 145! I was so worried it would be much lower than what the guide says.

  83. Reached the end of my rope*

    ….a long time ago.
    Have any of you successfully overcome binge eating disorder? I feel like I tried everything. Hypnosis, therapy, therapy, again, therapy again, oh and six weeks at an eating disorder clinic did zero, zilch, nada.

    I am fed up. Just done with this disorder. I am getting older. I am not healthy, not fit. Can’t do anything do anything without getting winded. What do I do?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My suggestion is find a nutritionist. Lack of vitamins and minerals will drive all kinds of behaviors. Figure out what is missing in your daily health care routines. Having been through my own stuff, I now realize that a bad plan is better than no plan. Hungry? Eat that entire box of cookies then look around for something else. This was my plan. Starvation- meaning lack of vitamins and minerals- has many costumes.

      So does dehydration. Dehydration dresses up as hunger or munchies. If you have to, measure out a pitcher of water every morning and work on it all day. Or keep a little tally sheet and do hash marks for each glass of water you have.

      Remember, we have to get energy from some place. If we don’t get enough rest, then we WILL definitely pack in the food. We have to refuel somehow. Think about what energizes you. Odd things can come up. Sometimes I can turn on some music and be good to go. Also oddly, teaching ourselves to use affirmations can be very supportive. Especially if we use food to comfort ourselves, which many of us do.

      Expect your answer to be a multi-part answer. In other words, no one magic bullet here. The reason for that is there is no one thing driving the bingeing. It’s happening for numerous reasons. If it was happening for just one reason you would have found that reason by now and stopped it. We humans are quite complex.

      1. Persimmons*

        +1,000

        I used to get a gross, stuffed full/still starving combination feeling after meals. Like I couldn’t possibly cram another bite of food into my body, but I still desperately wanted it and felt my tummy rumbling. I drastically change my eating habits (heavy on veg and protein, minimal sugars/simple carbs) and now food actually feels satisfying and nourishing.

    2. Thursday Next*

      Adding to NSNR’s excellent post, also work on figuring out what’s missing from your daily *mental* health care routines. I binge when I’m anxious or need comfort. Having a plan in place for alternate anxiety relief is crucial for me. (Things that have been good subs for anxiety eating: knitting, videos of kittens, online chats at 7cups—a mental health website that’s free.)

      Also, I’m more anxious when I’m less well rested, so examining sleep routines is important for me.

      Do you have a good sense of any emotional triggers for your binging? You may already be familiar with HALT, asking yourself if you’re hungry, angry (I’ve subbed “anxious” for myself), lonely, or tired when you feel an urge to binge.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Also adding—is there a pattern to the timing of your binges? I’m a night binger (that’s when I’m most anxious), so I experimented with a 12-hour rule (only eat from 7 am to 7 pm). After several days of that, I found my night eating impulses decreased. Those first nights were hard, to be sure; when I had the impulse to eat, I’d drink some water.

        For me the 12-hour rule is also good because I go to bed much earlier when I know I’m not going to eat from 7 pm to 7 am.

    3. Anonypants for This*

      This is not to be taken as medical advice but in my opinion, especially in the realm of addiction, we often deny people helpful medications because we view mental illness as a flaw of character or willpower.

      So, my question is, have you tried drugs?

      There are specific drugs for overeating – the combo pill Contrave comes to mind – that deal with cravings and help with feeling when you are full as well as reducing the reward/dopamine surge that comes with food.
      I took something similar to help me get off binge drinking and the appetite suppression was a bonus side effect (I could eat and felt hungry but never felt like I “needed” food, and it also became more about eating to live than living to eat – eg, food was less about pleasure seeking and having dessert after being full from dinner was not appealing at all).

        1. Recovery Anonymous*

          While not exactly the same situation, several years ago, when I had both an eating disorder and was suffering from depression, I was being counseled by a social worker (LSW) who wasn’t able to prescribe medication. Talk therapy helped but had limits.

          I was able to persuade my G.P. to prescribe an antidepressant by telling him that I was receiving counseling on a regular basis and signing a disclosure agreement that would allow my counselor to discuss my case with him. My counselor let my G.P. know that he would be monitoring my case very closely. The G.P. went ahead and prescribed a couple of different things before we found a drug that worked. Anyway, things worked out pretty well.

    4. Ron McDon*

      I binge ate for years, and still have the tendency to do so when I’m bored, emotional, feeling neglected, sad, tired…. you name it, I’ve used it as an excuse to binge!

      What worked for me in the beginning, was taking over the counter remedies to reduce my appetite – I’m in the UK and used a product called Zotrim, which swells in your stomach to make you feel fuller with less food, and sometimes used those diet shakes as a meal replacement as they have the same effect.

      I found that when I used these products I wasn’t hungry between meals, and therefore didn’t fixate on food.

      In time I then moved on to eating more healthily overall (more fruit/veggies/salads etc, less processed food and calories) and cutting out all ‘binge’ food altogether. In the long term, I found if I ate one bag of crisps or one bar of chocolate it would set off a binge, so if I didn’t eat that trigger food to start with it would stop the binge from happening.

      I will occasionally have a binge day still, but I am more able to say ‘oh well, that happened, I will just draw a line under today and restart with the healthy eating tomorrow’.

      For me, not eating the trigger foods has made the most impact, but I needed to reduce my appetite first so that I wasn’t thinking about food all the time.

      I have just started running, as I am finally at a weight where I can exercise without everything flopping up and down painfully! In 6 weeks I’ve gone from running for 1 minute at a time to running for 25 minutes non stop. It takes time and perseverance, but if you’re in the frame of mind to do it, it can be done.

      Good luck.

  84. Kuododi*

    Hope I’m not too late for this weekend. Earlier there is a thread about end of summer veg and it got me thinking. I have had chronic gastroparersis for years. Between current meds and nutrition changes, the condition is pretty well in check. I am however, quite nostalgic for a good beefy chili and/ or a nice thick beef lasagna. (Just like Garfield’s mama used to make ;) Unfortunately I am unable to tolerate two primary ingredients due to this condition. I cannot tolerate onions or tomatoes in any way, shape form or fashion. That being SD, I am looking for alternative suggestions regarding lasagna and chili recipes given my limitations regarding the consumption of onions and tomatoes.

    Thanks so much for your help. I may repost this next weekend if it turns out to be bad timing for the current weekend.

      1. Kuododi*

        Oh my!!! I just did a quick look through that recipe to see what kind of ingredients needed etc. I do think I’m in love!!!! Thanks ever so much for the heads up. There will be happy tummies in Houston house this.week.

        1. kuododi*

          Geeze.. I don’t know why I am turning up with so many typos this weekend. Should be “… happy tummies in our house….”. That reference to Houston came out of left field.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I had a friend that used to make a wonderful vegetarian receipe with spinach instead of tomato sauce. I forgot what she used instead of the meat. If you can eat meat, why not try exchanging the tomato sauce for spinach/spinach sauce?

    6. Overeducated*

      I’ve had very good lasagnas with bechamel sauce and butternut squash or pumpkin, or a sauce actually made with puree of one of those. Spinach and mushrooms go well inside. Another possibility is a Tex-mex style beef lasagna with a mild chile based enchilada sauce instead of tomatoes (a repeat when I had a roommate with a tomato allergy). For onions, can you just leave them out? They seem like more of a flavor enhancer than the sine qua non of most recipes.

      1. Ali G*

        I second these – I make a white lasagna with bechamel sauce and I puree roasted butter nut squash into the ricotta mixture. I find it goes very well with turkey sausage, spinach and mushrooms.
        For the Tex-Mex idea, just be sure to check the ingredients – some add tomatoes – so just check to be sure!
        Last there is a spice that lots of Low FODMAP people use to sub for onion and garlic. It’s called Asafoetida powder (it’s an Indian spice). My mom uses it – you can buy it on Amazon I think. It’s very strong so read up on how much to use!

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Yes, I agree. I’ve had an excellent mushroom lasagna with béchamel sauce. I’m an avowed carnivore but I love this lasagna for a meatless option.

    7. Rezia*

      I can’t eat onions either, but I’ve found leaving them out of recipes for the most part is actually okay!
      I wonder if a beef stroganoff might hit the spot for you (meaty pasta without tomatoes)?

  86. AcademiaNut*

    The main thing is to only use it to spend money you actually have (ie, use it like a debit card). If you’re forgetful about paperwork, have it set up to pay the monthly bill from your bank account. For a credit score, the main thing is to use it and pay the bills on time. You can also get things set up so that you get a text message whenever the card is used (useful for fraud prevention).

    Having two cards is useful if you travel. That way, if there’s a problem with one card, or it’s stolen, you’ve still got something available. Just remember to call the credit card company before travelling, so they don’t assume the card is stolen and freeze it because of unusual activity.

    If you’re nervous, you could simply use it for a specified purpose – say, gas and groceries – where you know how much you’ll be spending.

  87. Sweating Up A Storm*

    If you rent a house that has a house-wide AC that is over 10 years old that has broken recently, and the repairman told the landlord that the unit is on its last legs and was being overworked any time it was set below 75, thereby making the landlord say that you’re not allowed to,set it below 75 rather than just replacing it, is that fair?

    I thought I’d be willing to wait out the rest of the summer since my area is hitting the end of the hot months and press the issue next year but it’s really uncomfortable to live in a house set at 75 degrees when we used to keep it at a constant 72-73. And the landlord lives in the house too so it’s not like I can just set it where I want it and act surprised if it breaks again.

    1. BRR*

      It’s not fair. Unfortunately there’s probabaly not much you can do about it. I’d look over your lease and city/state tenant laws but even if there was something, fighting your landlord is probabaly more of a headache than it’s worth for this. Maybe you can ask them to spring for a couple of fans that they could keep when you move out?

    2. Ranon*

      It may not be fair, but even if you live in an area where the landlord is required to provide cooling (which is not all that many), 75 is almost certainly going to more than meet those requirements as it’s far more than adequate for human health and safety.

      Fans will probably drop the perceived temp a degree or two if they’re blowing on you, adjusting the clothes you typically wear at home can help too. You might ask if it’s possible to have a slightly lower set-point at night- since it’s typically cooler outside then the AC shouldn’t have to work as hard as it does during the day.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yes – we programmed my AC to 72 overnight (which is lower than I want it, but I finally got my husband to stop dropping it to 69, so small blessings) and then it kicks up to 76 at 6am, and usually it doesn’t actually start running again until like 4pm or even later because it stays below the 76 mark all day. During the week, at least, it actually only runs about 3-6 hours per 24 hour period.

    3. Sweating Up A Storm*

      Sorry, i realized that asking ‘if it’s fair’ sounds incredibly whiny. Just feeling pretty miserable. Might be TMI but I even slept without wearing any PJs last night and still felt too warm. Guess my real question is what would you do about, try to press the issue with the landlord now? I’ll definitely demand it next summer as it only happened recently so waiting a month for the weather to cool down isn’t so bad but I can’t do a whole summer next year.

      1. Ranon*

        The only option I see is to make signing a lease renewal contingent on replacement of the AC, and be ready to move if the landlord says no- that’s pretty much all you’ve got as leverage.

        And I really would ask about a lower night temp, AC systems expend effort based on the set point temp relative to the outside temp, not as an absolute of the set point- if you can knock it down a degree or two at night it should be more liveable. We run 78-79 during the day and 74 at night, but 75 at night is just a hair too hot for us.

      2. I Love Thrawn*

        Can you get a window AC? That will help. And I agree, this very unfair. Landlord shouldn’t get to dictate how you live. If there is a HUD counseling office near you, they might help. I called mine when I was afraid I was going to have an issue with my property manager. Those people know the law inside and out.

      3. Ron McDon*

        We just got back from Orlando where we stayed in a villa for two weeks, and the a/c unit had a notice on it stating it wasn’t to be set lower than 75 as it may freeze up and break.

        It was 95-100 outside, but felt lovely and cool inside.

        Ceiling fans made a huge difference to how cool the room felt, so I second those people who suggested asking your landlord to provide fans.

        I also believe it is cooler to wear cotton in bed than to sleep naked – something I seem to remember reading somewhere, which always seems to work on the rare occasion it is hot here in the UK!

    4. Book Lover*

      A/c units are expensive and if it breaks, it is likely to take a minimum of a couple of weeks to replace it (based on my experience in the summer, anyhow). So that is potentially a period of time with no a/c rather than living at 75 (that is where our a/c is set through the summer also). It sounds like the landlord is trying to abide by what the repairperson recommended. I would go with it, sorry :(.
      I am sure it doesn’t help, but a lot of people in AZ run it at 78. That is definitely too high for me, but I think you can maybe get used to 75 – feels lovely coming in from outside, anyhow.

      1. Cat Herder*

        It’s dry in Arizona, though. If you’re anywhere sticky 75 at night is especially unpleasant. Get a couple of box fans. Cool cloths on forehead and wrists. Don’t move more than you have to. (What I used to do when living in a humid warm place w o ac when I was young and poor.).

        You cold also get a small window unit for just your bedroom and use it when sleeping. Close the bedroom door.

        1. Book Lover*

          Monsoon season. It has been absolutely disgusting here the past few weeks, sadly. We are down to 30% humidity today, thankfully. We stick to 75, though, regardless of humidity.

          1. Book Lover*

            Sorry, don’t mean to sound argumentative – just whining because the weather has been so unpleasant. But really, running at 75 and having a/c working versus trying for lower and not having a/c – I would be careful….

        2. TL -*

          I grew up in the land of hot and humid and our A/C never went below 80. We all had ceiling and good floor fans in our rooms for nights, and it was fine. There’s an adjustment period, but your body will adjust (assuming you don’t have any conditions, including age, that make you more sensitive to heat/cold.)

    6. Belle*

      I wouldn’t be able to deal with the temp that high due to medical reasons. Plus, with a baby, the ADA recommends the temp stay between 68 and 72 for SIDS – so I couldn’t deal. Personally, I would be looking for a new place if possible.

  88. StellaBella*

    Happy lazy Sunday all. It is raining here and I have a question… what are your favourite things to do on cold, rainy days? I made some soup today and am reading blogs I like and will do some chores later like vacuuming. :)

      1. Merci Dee*

        I second that suggestion. That’s pretty much my plan for the day. I’m going to make a little pot of coffee, and read the newest installment in the Secret Agent Granny series. I think that my coffee add-in today will be s’mores flavor.

    3. Zona the Great*

      I’m so jealous! I live in the hottest city in the SW and don’t like it. Here for work and can’t wait to move back to seasons! And soup!

  89. Snark*

    So Mrs. Snark’s beloved but elderly Honda got strafed by a brutal hailstorm and Progressive said it’s totaled, so we went out yesterday and bought a sparkly new Toyota Rav4. In metallic purple. More expensive than we really wanted it to be, but it’s a terrific car. She’s stumbling around in a delighted daze and I’m sighing a lot.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Hopefully, she’s a bit more focused when she drives. :)

      Congrats on her new car! I would have totally gone for the purple, as well. I hope she and the car will have many years and miles of happiness.

  90. Anonymous Ampersand*

    So. Things have been up and down and remain so. This is all really jumbled, I’m sorry.

    I got a promotion in work, second in six months. I’m really pleased, and everyone wanted me to get it which is also nice, but since I found out I’ve just wanted to cry. Since leaving Y my career is going much better, and yet I think a lot of my sadness is about not having someone to share it with – medium child (MC) is happy for me but kids don’t ‘get’ their parents’ jobs. I so wanted to tell Y but waited until he was picking up MC and dropped it in in passing. He was pleased for me.

    Since the evening after I heard, I just want to cry. Last night I cracked and messaged my sis who called and I felt much better. But… I feel like i don’t have any friends here I can rely on. My other sibling lives nearby but does voluntary work with kids and spends loads of time with her friends, she promised a few months back to take our MC for his birthday, I’ve promoted her and still nothing. I mean i know i can’t expect anything from her but it guts me that she neglects my kid. My best friend moved a bit further away, between that and her mental health stuff flaring up I barely hear from her any more. Another friend has a disabilty that’s really bad at the mo and also a new gf and has basically disappeared. I’ve messaged so many people in the last few months and said can we meet up and they’ve sounded enthusiastic but it’s never happened. I’ve tried but I feel you have to know when to stop, you know?

    Last night when I was crying all I actually wanted to do was switch on my work laptop and do some work. Only thing that stopped me was that it sounded too fucking sad.

    I want to move. Going to a friend’s birthday party tonight, I used to live where she lives and I wish I could move back but it’s highly unlikely I could make it work with MC and Y but it’s good to have a long term plan.

    I just wish I had friends. The other day I was listening to a Podcast and the presenter was saying she has two friends, and if one of them texts an emergency code word at least one but normally all 3 go to this specific place and stay until there’s a plan of action, and I’m thinking do you know how rare that is?! Friends like that who can drop everything for you? I can barely get people to meet me for a coffee, with or without kids.

    I am a mess rn.

    I think I’m a good friend to people but I feel like no one ever pays anything forward to me.

    Also I hate my flat but whenever I even mention the idea we may move one day MC has conniptions because this is where his family was together and he doesn’t want to lose that. Also he keeps telling me that leaving his dad was the right thing for me but not the right thing for him and that I should have asked him before doing it. And you can’t say to an 8 year old your father was emotionally abusive and I wasn’t going to deal with that any more, or at least not when you have an ostentatiously civil relationship with the other party and really need it not to blow up. You can imagine how much fun it is dealing with a crying child saying all that.

    Questions, if anyone has answers:
    1) Why has getting a better job made me so upset?
    2) How can I be less unhappy in the flat I was with Y 14 years?
    3) it’s been nearly a year, when will this get better?
    4) what could I do on the anniversary of me leaving? Not to celebrate but to mark it?

    Virtual hugs accepted.

    1. Really*

      Just my opinion -but here goes.
      1) This is another change in your life. While it’s a positive one it might just be a reminder that your life is different then you had imagined
      2) What kind of changes can you make that might remove reminders of the familiar? Can you paint the walls? Maybe change a few of the items in a room. New pillows, a small table, new pictures, rearrange the furniture? Things that will make this your place and less the place Y and you lived.
      3) Yes but like all big changes it will take awhile.
      4) Maybe do something that you enjoy but didn’t get to while with Y. Or maybe just make a point of doing something new. A new restaurant, go bowling. Something that is not associated with the past.
      I wish I had some magic words for your son. Maybe talking to a therapist for ideas on how to talk to him might help. But remember he is grieving just as you are.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I might see if I can get some support for him. He’s getting it through school but long waiting list :(

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Virtual hugs from me and puppy head in your lap from my buddy if you like dogs.

      1) This is what grief looks like. Odd things trigger buckets of tears. It’s pretty random. Walking into Target made me blat like I was two years old. It’s random. Don’t over analyze, let the tears flow. Those tears have to come out of you, if it wasn’t the promotion at work it would have been something else. It will take time but that touchy trigger will lessen. Tears are not wasted, you are building up your mental stamina by releasing those tears.

      2) If you decide that you really should stay put, paint some furniture a different color. Get rid of a few pieces and buy some new ones. Get new linens. It’s tag sale season, you can do this for surprisingly little money. I picked up a large rug for $35, it’s really big and it’s in good condition. Go to sales on side streets where people are less apt to go.

      3) The time it takes to get better is the time it takes. We can’t know for certain but you can be sure that it will get better in small parts on a semi-regular basis.

      4) For your anniversary, do something that makes you feel better about your new setting. This is pretty unique because it’s whatever is meaningful to you. I might chose to re-arrange my kitchen cupboards. Or start a short class in something. I would try to pick something that made me feel like I was moving forward even if it was in a small way.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I went today to the place we got married. Not near where I live, was visiting a friend. Was horrible being there but also kinda weirdly healing.

        Gawd I want a dog. If only my life was more conducive to dog-having. Can I virtually borrow yours for a bit?

    3. Zona the Great*

      Can I be honest? The concept of having a relationship where I would be expected to respond to group 911 texts, to drop everything, to be expected to worry about someone not in my immediate family, to have someone else worry about me, to have to remember dates and names and important events….it all makes me cringe. I am fascinated by that level of commitment to someone.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Of course, and thank you for doing so! And your perspective is really helpful. I think it was for true emergencies not something that happens regularly, but it’s still useful to think think that even though I’d like it if I could call some kind of emergency meeting when I’m having a crisis, other people’s crises would probably be more stressful!

      2. TL -*

        I have a friendship close to that (we don’t do code word texts) and it’s a lot of work.
        Totally worth it, and she’s completely irreplaceable, but also this friendship is 10 years in the making and a lot of work on both our ends. There are mandatory events to show up to, hundreds of dollars in plane tickets, vacation time, and the basic every day maintenance of talking and listening. Plus the emotional work of dealing with someone else’s problems on top of your own, basically all the time. (Which is balanced by sharing all of your problems, all the time, with such ease – they already know your backstory.)
        If your family is already filling that role, it can be hard to justify the time and effort. If they’re not, it’s still a lot of work to get there.

    4. Anono-me*

      Congratulations on the promotion.

      1. Change is hard, even good change. And you have been through a shot tin of change recently.

      2. I actually think you should feel free to move. I think moving would help you move on. I also think it would help you child stop focusing on the past.

      3. You are doing better, but the improvement is gradual. It was a long relationship a rule of thumb I hear over and over again is one month of grieving per year of relationship. And due to your child you can not disengage fully which will slow things down.

      4. I would get a haircut and color. Some thing different than what you usually wear. That way you have a symbolic exterior change to mark the other changes to your life.

      I think what you did was good for your child. I think growing up with parents in a desperately unhappy and unhealthy relationship sets that as normal for the child (or children) Think about where you and your ex were a year before you divorced. Do you want either role for your child?

      You have spoken often of how manipulative you ex is. Please consider the possibility that your ex is manipulating your child in order to manipulate you into being miserable and alone into being so miserable that you reconcile. You may find it helpful to work with a counselor to help you and your child develop good skills to resist ex’s manipulation.

      1. Anono-me*

        Sorry, I missed the or in the second sentence of the last paragraph. It should read “… alone OR into …”

      2. Anonymous Ampersand*

        You have spoken often of how manipulative you ex is. Please consider the possibility that your ex is manipulating your child in order to manipulate you into being miserable and alone into being so miserable that you reconcile.
        Oh my good god I think you could be onto something.

        2 I know the permission of an internet stranger isn’t binding…. but that really helps.

        3 yeah I hate how I can’t just disengage and heal already. It’s hard.

        4 excellent idea will do. I’d been thinking about a very different colour anyway.

        Thank you.

  91. Foreign Octopus*

    I’ve just had an experience that has left me irritated and a little upset.

    I was sitting on my porch enjoying my Sunday off (the only day of the week I don’t work and I look forward to these days off) and my friend appeared without any warning with her two rather boisterous dogs. I do not like unexpected visitors. 100% do not like. I love her but I don’t like surprises. I felt really wrong footed. The house is a mess, my cat was downstairs and she doesn’t get on with other animals, particularly strange ones. I wasn’t wearing a bra. Etc.

    She stayed for a few hours and then left but I’m upset by the fact that she came around uninvited. It’s not as though she lives close to me. She lives 40 minutes away by foot and she had to plan to come over.

    I don’t know how to tell people that Sundays are not days where I’m open to having people around as it’s the only day I get to be by myself. People take it as a given that because I’m not working, I’m open to other things. I’d much rather do those other things on days I am working so that it’s all compressed into one day.

    I lost three hours of writing time (which is very important to me) and my cat was chased by her dogs so I’ve spent time coaxing her out from beneath her car and she keeps flinching when I reach out to stroke her.

    I’m just really irritated right now.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Oh my glob. This is my nightmare. Never ever show up unannounced or uninvited. I’m convinced these people are taught by their clueless parents on how to properly intrude. I’m just like you. I would be so upset that someone trampled my boundaries but would have no idea how to communicate those boundaries.

      I want to tell you to just sit there on your porch next time with one eyebrow raised and ask her what she’s doing there. I want to tell you to scoff a little and say, with eyebrow still cocked, “everyone knows my house and I are off limits on Sundays” but I know how hard it is.

    2. Buu*

      Urch, btw you don’t have to entertain her. I think it’s worth telling her ” Hey whilst I love seeing you please arrange in advance, I had work to do and I especially can’t have the dogs in my house with the cat, that cat’s been really upset since. Why don’t we arrange to meet at ‘new coffee shop in town’ next time you want to hang out,”
      If she shows up again unannounced, don’t entertain them.
      “Well this is awkward, but I have work to do today and it’s really cruel to expect the cat to go through that again so I’m afraid I can’t invite you in. I think I mentioned I’d rather arrange to meet”.

      Deflect, suggest an alternate meeting time/place (so you show you do want to hang around with them at a time/place you are BOTH happy with. Then get up and go inside.

    3. Persimmons*

      There are several people in my life who have an open invitation to stop by any time, like the hippie friend who lives like a nomad and rarely carries a cell. They are laidback people who I am comfortable inviting in even if the house is a disaster.

      That said, none of them would dream of bringing their pets over. Dogs are not welcome in my home, ever. Showing up unannounced with dogs is a rotten cherry of no on a pile of uh-uh.

    4. Khlovia*

      “Love ya, honey, but next time call ahead, like a couple days ahead. Sunday’s my only good writing time; you know how it is. Also, your doggies are super cute, but my cat took a few hours to recuperate from the trauma; so next time, probably not with the canine outriders, okay?”

      I totally get the dread of hurting feelings, but we both just have to learn to use our words. I keep thinking, “Well, you’d think they would realize–!” but this is an incorrect thought. They don’t realize, because they’re not telepathic and they’re not me.

    5. LCL*

      She’s your friend, so tell her. If she really cares about you, and walking two rowdy dogs 40 minutes to see you sounds like she cares, she will be mortified and apologetic she made your life harder. No need to go deep into the reasons why.

  92. BeeBeeAte*

    What to do about bug bites that won’t fade? I have a number of them that I thought were mosquito bites from a garden wedding nearly a month ago, but they’re still here, and still itchy! They’ve shrunk significantly, but for about a week solid I was icing them because they were too painful.

        1. fposte*

          To be fair, that’s how that stuff works–you have to keep reapplying it. I’ll also do oral benadryl on top of the topical hydrocortisone if I’ve got a lot of bites.

          But if it’s been a month, that’s a long time for bites from just about anything; it might be time to put a doctor in the mix.

  93. Heartbroken*

    I just got unexpectedly broken up with this weekend. We were at about 5 months and I thought everything was amazing— everything was amazing. I don’t know how to get over this one. In the past/long term relationships breakups were hard but there was usually something wrong that made moving on easier.

    Feeling like this was my one chance with someone truly truly wonderful. Woke up at 6 am sobbing and super nauseous … which is not my MO. Trying hard to see a positive. Understand for the first time why people take people back.

    2. Zona the Great*

      So, where you would normally know there were challengers making other breakups easier, this time tell yourself that challenge just hadn’t come yet. The universe works in mysterious ways. Something wicked this way may have come!

    3. Dan*

      The honest truth here is that there was something about this relationship that made it not right for your BF — understanding that will go a long way toward helping you accept this outcome and move on.

      I’ve had a casual but regular thing with a woman for over three years now. She’s hinted that she would like to move this beyond and casual, and I’ve heard through the grapevine “this is the guy that makes my friend very happy.”

      Except… if she wants to have a point blank conversation, she’s more likely looking at a breakup than moving things to the next level. Why? She has very “traditional” views about money — meaning she expects the man to take care of the financial heavy lifting. How do I know this? She said so. She also lives with her mom, works part time, and complains about how broke she is.

      So, people being who they are and all of that, if we became a long term committed couple, this is what I assume I’m going to get more of. It would be different if she was more financially stable, and the only real question was who paid what % of the mortgage. But I’m looking at a situation where I feel like I’d be asking/expecting someone to be something/someone they aren’t, and I don’t think that’s fair.

      Given that I do pay for the dates now (I don’t have a problem with that, really) I can certainly see why she wants more of the status quo. But she also needs to be able to put herself in my shoes and ask herself if this will work for me under a more committed relationship. If she can’t, then she will always wonder why such as “perfect” relationship fell apart.

      I hope this helps explain that while this relationship may have been perfect for you, it wasn’t for the other person. That matters a lot, and accepting that will help you heal.

  94. StudentA*

    Mother-daughter relationships can be so tough. This thread often features not-so-great stories about this complex relationship. I’m in a mood where I need to hear happy mother-daughter stories or experiences. Who here wants to give props to their moms?

    1. Red Reader*

      My mama is amazing and wonderful and I share her with my friends who are not so fortunate in their moms.

    2. Penny*

      My mother and I have the best relationship; she is basically my best friend. Some might think we’re actually too close but she raised me as a single mother and did a fabulous job. It helps that we have much the same tastes: bookworms, geeks, same interest in vacations and hobbies, so we have a lot of overlapping to keep us connected. When most other parents would not understand why their child was calling them because they messed up cosplays, my mom invited me over to her house to look over the damage, help me fix it, and then take me out to dinner.

      It was hard to move out of her house a few years ago because I missed our evenings of chatting over dinner and then watching Tv or reading together. It’s harded to find time to hang out together but we make it work. We didn’t hget to have a vacation together this summer due to health and work problems on both our ends but I plan to surprise her with some kind of fun trip somewhere next year.

      My mom is awesome and I freaking love her!

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        My mom died when I was in college, but this is the kind of relationship I imagine we’d have had. It’s something I strive for with my own daughters…it’s the best way I know to honor her memory.

    3. CBE*

      My relationship with my mom is rocky. And currently non-existent.
      That said, I really, really didn’t want it to be like that with my daughters. And I have very consciously worked to build a close and loving relationship with my daughters. Now that half of my daughters are adults, and the other half are teenagers, I can honestly say that it is possible to have a great mother-daughter relationship. My oldest has really become a close friend now that there isn’t any need for me to be an authority over her. My second is a college student, and our relationship is evolving that same way. Even the teens – who do still need some boundaries and direction from me – talk with me regularly. I am optimistic that we will be okay.
      So my point is that even if you struggle in a mother-daughter relationship, good relationships are possible!

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Thank you so much for this! I have always worried that if I ever have a daughter I would pass on the dysfunctional relationship that I’ve seen play out with several generations of mothers/daughters in my family.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        If you are open for questions, what do you attribute your success to with your girls? I just like seeing people overcome their obstacles, so anything you’d like to share probably would be of interest.

        1. CBE*

          Always listening to them when they are willing to talk to me. Even if I think the 4th grade playground shenanigans are stupid, or the teenage drama could be fixed so simply if I just tell them what to do. Listen, listen, listen.
          Along the same lines, don’t tell them what to do, listen and help them figure it out.
          Draw firm boundaries around the important stuff, stick to those, and let the rest go. Don’t micromanage.
          Be as willing to do their things as I hope they’ll be with me.
          Don’t mess with their friendships. Don’t forbid friends, don’t force friends, and don’t try to make their friends my own.

    4. Not a Mere Device*

      My mother is cool, and the only reason we don’t see each other frequently is that she moved to another country. She’ll be coming to stay with us in a couple of weeks, and wants to see me, my husband, and my girlfriend, so we’re making plans for that, and for some tourist stuff (now that I no longer live in the city I grew up in). Mom is 87, and is spending her retirement doing Holocaust education: giving talks in schools about her and her parents’ experiences in Nazi Germany and after they fled to France.

    5. Cafe au Lait*

      I have a great Mom! When I was pregnant, my Mom came out to help me through labor and with the baby for the first week. I wanted her there. I couldn’t imagine not having her with me during that experience.

    6. blaise zamboni*

      My mom and I had a really rough relationship until I hit adulthood. Since that point, we have developed a strong bond. She is a goofy, strong-willed woman who cares deeply about others and fixes all her own problems. We are very different people, but we admire and feed off of each other’s strengths. I work on some home improvement project with her at least once a month and learn so much from it. It’s not a relationship I ever expected to have with her, but I’ve seen her change dramatically based on feedback I gave her as a young adult, and it makes a huge difference in my life. I’m unspeakably grateful for her and the relationship we now have.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      My mom isn’t around anymore, but we had a great relationship. She was the mom that everyone wanted. (Actually both my parents were like that–we always had a houseful of people, because they all wanted to be at our house and hang with my parents.) When we had class trips when I was a kid and she chaperoned, everyone wanted to be in my group even though I was NOT the cool girl and they were all the In Crowd. She was always willing to try something adventurous: at my parents’ 50th anniversary picnic, my mom took a ride on my sister’s neighbor’s Harley! She was good for a laugh, too: several times over the years she dressed up as a hooker for Halloween. The “laugh” part is that she wore a rainbow clown wig with the sexy outfit. And she loved dirty jokes. When I was younger my only “complaint” about her was that she wasn’t very sympathetic when I was sick–everything was a “growing pain.” Looking back now, she always knew when I was truly sick and when I was just pretending, and I was pretending most of the time because I hated school, wasn’t popular, and was picked on relentlessly. I realize now that the times when she would say it’s “growing pains” are the times when I wasn’t actually sick and I was just trying to get out of something.

    8. Shrunken Hippo*

      My mom and I aren’t super close, but I love her dearly. She was a champ when I was young because even hearing the word puke makes her ill, but she always looked after me when I was sick as a kid. Anytime I got into a new hobby she looked up places we could go to learn and buy supplies and was right there with me helping em pick things out. As an adult I know she’s always there to listen to me and give me hugs when I need them. By nature of my personality I’ll always get along better with my dad, but I don’t know what I would do without my mom around!

  95. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I posted late last weekend about how I’m freaking out about my partner’s post-PhD job hunt. About an hour ago, he asked me to come sit with him so he could go over the updated list of where he’s applying, so the discussion he and I had seems to have stuck! I was pretty relieved with his list; there are a couple of places I’m not too thrilled about moving to, but his chances there are kind of slim due to language and citizenship issues, so I’m letting those go. :) But it feels nice that he took my concerns into consideration and used them to guide some very important decisions.

  96. AndNowAMouse*

    I am apartment hunting right now because my current building is gentrifying hard. They’re not renewing my lease so they can renovate the unit, then raise the rent nearly 50%. And I am not about the life that would have me spending that much on a 450 sq ft studio.

    But I am having THE WORST time finding a new place! I’ve seen nearly 30 apartments in the last 3 weeks. I finally found a place I love for a 10/1 move in, and now I’m hearing the neighborhood may not be the safest. I live alone both in the apartment and in the city, so this is big concern for me. But I’ve also lived in a neighborhood some would say was not great before, and it was mostly okay, so…..

    UGH. This is mostly a whine session on my part, because this whole thing is just stressing me out. Chicago apartment hunting is the worst.

      1. BeeBeeAte*

        What neighborhoods are you looking at? Because honestly, not even Lakeview is super safe right now. The crime should calm down a bit when school starts and it cools down

        1. Tris Prior*

          Agree; safe is relative. Have you hung out in the neighborhood of the apartment you like, after dark? Talking to neighbors can also be useful.

    2. Cat Herder*

      1. What or who is the source of your info that the neighborhood isn’t safe — a friend who’s easily spooked? Internet rumors? A reliable authority?
      2. What kind of crime? Pickpocketing? Car jacking? Gang shootings?
      3. What’s the actual unsafe area? Sometimes a whole large neighborhood can be called dangerous when in fact there are dangerous blocks or corners or buildings, but overall the neighborhood is not exceptionally unsafe.
      4. Google crime reports Chicago to find links to crime maps.

      Think about whether / how often you might be out for fair distance alone at night. Say, you have to walk six blocks from the bus stop at 1 am after getting a late shift most weeknights— or, you usually get an Uber and can get dropped off in front of the building.

    3. The Ginger Ginger*

      I’ve actually been reassured on the safety front. I walked around yesterday and chatted with some would-be neighbors. But what that excursion DID show me was that I cannot hack the walk to the train station that I would be taking every day. It didn’t seem that far on the map/per google, and the one I have now is only a couple blocks shorter, so I thought it wouldn’t be a huge deal. BUT IT IS. It’s just too much. Especially since that would be my main transportation, not just for work, but when I wanted to go do anything. I guess I’m back on the hunt T_T

  97. Be the Change*

    Last week (two weeks ago?) I posted that my beloved iPod shuffle had given up the ghost. It seems that mp3 players in general are now useless… I tried a SanDisk and neither of my laptop options even recognized the thing, so.

    How DO you get podcasts and songs for workouts now? The phone seems completely clunky for this purpose — if I want to advance a song, if I want to pause, or anything, I have to stop, take the phone out of the belt or armband, swipe the screen, hunt for the app….. I have bluetooth headphones, and then after using them I have to go into the phone and turn the bluetooth off so as not to drain the battery.

    I really want my shuffle back, waaah! Since I’m not going to get it, can you all help?

    2. Jules the First*

      eBay and Amazon both show shuffles among their marketplace sellers, if you really want your shuffle back. Rumour has it that Walmart used to as well. Or you could check your local electronics shops/second hand phone stores and see if they have them.

      Alternatively, I’m using the built in podcast and music apps on my iPhone and they show controls on the lock screen when I’m playing something (no idea what setting I used to get them there, but it is possible!)

    4. Observer*

      Using, your phone it’s a matter of setting it up right and using the right app. If you have an Android phone, a common feature of music apps is that you can have a widget on the screen that lets you skip / replay tracks etc. Also that you can access that functionality by swiping down the control panel. It’s possible to also set this functionality to be on the lock screen, but I’ve never bothered – I have a fingerprint reader and it’s fast enough that it doesn’t get in the way.

    5. nep*

      I never understood why I didn’t see more of that Sony wrap-around mp3 player. It’s all I can use for working out. (Sony discontinued the version that was just perfect; I think I might still have one in a package–when I learned they weren’t making it anymore I ordered two extra.) Can’t imagine working out with anything else.

    6. acmx*

      Its been awhile but I used to use the SanDisk. I have headphones like nep – Sonys mp3 but if the SanDisk wasn’t recognized I don’t think the Sony will be either.

      I’m with you, I feel like the phone is burdensome.

      TomTom has a watch with mp3 (I mean, that’s a bit extreme but it’s an option).

  99. The Other Dawn*

    I’m super excited: I just made my first batch of pineapple jalapeno jelly…and I CANNED it! I didn’t try it yet since the one jar I didn’t put in the canning bath is still mega hot, but I’m pretty confident it will be yummy. I have no idea how hot it will be, but I’m hoping it’s not tongue-scorching. I had a bunch of jalapenos in the garden to use, plus I’ve been wanting to try my hand at jelly and canning. It wasn’t difficult, but holy moly the kitchen is hot now! I have to say, hearing the lids sealing on the jars in the other room is pretty satisfying. Yes, I’m a geek…

    1. Tris Prior*

      The sound of jars going “pop” is one of my favorite sounds either. Great job! Canning is very addictive. :)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I remember trying once maybe 20 years ago and it didn’t work out for me. I most likely didn’t follow the directions to the letter for the jelly I was making. Plus, the jars didn’t seal like they were supposed to. They all sealed this time, though! Now I just need to wait and see if the jelly sets completely. Too early to tell, although it’s much thicker than it was earlier.

    2. Kate*

      I just finished a batch of habenero jelly and successfully canned it as well and I am so freaking proud of myself (and you!). Go CANNERS!!

  100. Daphne*

    I need to geek out with someone/everyone about music! Particularly Interpol who dropped their latest album on Friday. They’ve been one of my favourite bands for 15 years and I’ve had it on repeat since it downloaded. It’s getting mixed reactions online but I’m enjoying it. Not their best by a long shot, but some catchy songs that’ll be good to see live later in the year. Nobody’s engaging with me on their FB or Insta though! I miss when most bands had forums, wah.

  101. Cafe au Lait*

    A few weeks ago someone recommended “The Spellman Files.” I finished the first book last night. LOVED IT. I haven’t laughed so hard at a book in weeks.

  102. L-cJ*

    Looking for recommendations for non-seafood-focussed restaurants in Vancouver and Richmond, BC. Thanks!

  103. Gaia*

    The internet is amazing. For more than five years I have been trying to research family history and I have had great success. Except for my grandfather’s father. He came to America at 19, alone. He never spoke of his life back in Italy from what I can tell. My grandfather has always wanted to learn more. Do we have other family? There was a postcard from two women in the 1950s – were they his sisters?

    Today I was finally able to find his civil birth registration! (You can see it by clicking my name. He is the bottom one, 1295. It is pretty cool!). Now if I can find someone that can read Italian script, I might actually know what it says! Ha! One step closer!

    1. OyHiOh*

      Very cool

      I’ve had a lot of internet luck recently too, researching stories my spouse told me about their military service. Found a couple physical places with Google Earth, have found friends of theirs, civilians they knew overseas; it’s lovely to have the other sides of the story :-)

      1. Gaia*

        It is so amazing, isn’t it? I do get a bit exasperated with how much misinformation is out there though. One person makes one error and it is copied and copied and copied. And of course nearly every American family at some point seems to claim they are native America. (Cherokee usually) or European nobility. Hahah.

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Oops, quick trigger – I can’t make out all of the writing but it looks that that is the date that the birth of your great grandfather, who was born in Bergamo, was reported to the town clerk.
        Will try to look at it from my computer tomorrow night and translate it for you. What an exciting doc to find.

        1. Gaia*

          Oh my goodness that is amazing! Any help with the names would be especially awesome – we don’t know the names of either of his parents. All I know is he never wanted to talk about Italy.

          I was so floored to find this. Especially since we’d always assumed he was from more central Italy as all the other folks with his surname tend to be there.

  104. Sasha's Mommy*

    A week ago today we adopted an eight-week old kitten from the shelter. Things were going great except I noticed she didn’t eat as much as the shelter said she should. They told me to give her 1/2 cup of dry food mixed in with half a small can of wet food. They provided the food, which was great so we could keep things consistent.

    Since they gave us only food for a couple of days I went and bought a 7 lb bag of dry food and several cans of wet food.

    The amount of food she was consuming concerned me a little, because it was less than I anticipated but I chalked it up to adjusting to the new environment, being the only kitten home after being in a room full of her siblings and friends was possibly affecting her appetite.

    She’s very vocal and lets me know when she’s hungry. I got to know her hungry meow immediately. Every morning, mid-day and evening she would let me know she was hungry. I would feed her and notice she would not finish the food. I found myself throwing out most of the previous meal when serving her fresh food. The wet food would go stale and as pragmatic as I can be, I couldn’t serve it to her and had to wash the bowl feeding her fresh food at every meal.

    I began to get really concerned. She’s tiny. Fits in the palms of my hands and weighed 2.05 lbs at the shelter…

    Fast forward to Friday…she refused breakfast. She was asking for food but would not touch the bowl. She would drink water and continued to use the box. Friday afternoon, the same thing. Friday evening, the same thing. She even refused her treats which she usually devours.

    That’s a full day not eating. Why?!

    I even tried wet food only. Nothing. Meanwhile, she was still meowing like she was hungry. My heart broke.

    Saturday morning I called the vet as soon as they opened. I asked them if I could bring her in. The squeezed us in and when they weighed her she had lost weight – she was weighing 1.75 lbs. I was devastated and so worried! The tech got all the history. I brought in the medical records from the shelter and her microchip info so they would have it on file. We went through everything and then he went to get the vet.

    The vet walked in with two trays of wet food. And she went for it! She was starving!! I didn’t get it! The vet explained that sometimes kittens prefer wet food only because they have teeth coming in and it’s easier for them. I told her I was following the shelter’s instructions and mixing in the wet with the dry food. Why would she suddenly stop eating?

    I mentioned I noticed she was eating less and less every day and wondered if something else was going on…we went though a few scenarios…she was dewormed at the shelter three times, although she never had worms….she had no fever. Her temp was normal. She was active at the vet. Eating and purring like nothing.

    While I was so relieved to see her eating , I was still scratching my head. I mentioned that she has really bad breath and wondered if maybe a tooth was bothering her. The vet checked her out and it turns out her throat was really inflamed! It was bright red. So apparently she has a throat infection. That makes all the sense in the world. When I have a sore throat the last thing I want to do is eat crunchy food.

    No issues with her teeth, though. Just the sore throat. So they gave me an antibiotic and the same pain med I gave her the first few days she was home as her spaying surgery was a few days before we got her.

    They also gave me four cans of the food she liked and I ordered some more from them to have on hand. She’s been eating to her heart’s content three times a day and is happy as can be. The pain med makes her sleepy so she’s been chilling and sleeping for hours at a time and when she’s up, she’s up! Playing and purring and asking for lots of rubs.

    Now the question is what do I do with the 7 lbs bag of dry food I have at home that she doesn’t like…maybe I’ll save it and introduce it again in a few months when she’s a little older.

    1. anon24*

      I’m glad you found the problem! I would try the dry food when she gets better. With kittens it’s recommended that you always have dry food available. When my guys were kittens they got wet food morning and evening and always had a dish of dry food for them to snack on. They grow so fast they need the calories (make sure you are feeding them kitten food and not cat food). Sometimes what works at the shelter doesn’t work in the home because tastes and personalities change once they find their home. Enjoy her while she is little! They grow so stinking fast! My boy was 2 pounds when we got him and within 3 months weighed almost 10! (He’s a tall muscular 17 pounder now at 2 years old)

      1. anon24*

        Also somehow forgot to add that it took my boy about 2 weeks of having dry food out to really eat it. My little girl ate it right away.

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