Jill Bornstein is the founder of Upnext Leadership Coaching.
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For leaders and C-level employees, there is significant pressure to “do it all.” This is especially true for women, in that they are far more likely to be caregivers for children or elderly relatives within their families and to shoulder the lion’s share of responsibility (implicit or explicit) for household duties. At the same time, they need to sleep, work out and pursue enriching hobbies—all while still completing the work necessary for advancement in their roles and careers. The result is these accomplished career women are stressed, overloaded and completely overwhelmed.
When I work with these women, we talk openly about a certain reality: “You cannot do it all.” Simply put, it is not possible; there aren’t enough hours in a day. However, by making informed decisions and being mindful about their priorities, these career women can gain a degree of control over their schedules and, by extension, their lives.
When clients come to me completely overwhelmed, we work on some strategic steps to make deliberate choices and regain lost control:
1. Decide what absolutely needs to get done.
First and foremost, women need to make concrete choices about what tasks or events are non-negotiable. That could be a specific project at work; that could also be having a regular Friday night dinner with your family. Whatever it is, that time needs to be allocated in advance and safeguarded. Be intentional about these choices: If you know that, down the line, you’ll regret not attending this event with your kids or your spouse, schedule that time to make sure it happens. All of these important events need to go into your calendar, even the non-work-related ones, and not be scheduled over or interrupted.
2. Draw firm boundaries around your time.
A lot of times, clients will tell me, “Oh, I couldn’t do this because people kept calling, texting or emailing me.” These non-emergency communications take up a lot of time for all of us—but is that really time we should so easily give up? I tell clients that just as they would put a phone on silent or turn notifications off when they’re sleeping (with maybe one contact who can get through in case of emergencies) they need to put up a barrier against all but strictly necessary distractions. Don’t look at your email. Put your laptop in the other room. Unless it is an emergency, do not allow extraneous communications or tasks to impinge on dedicated time.
3. Look not just at the present, but at the future.
Part of making informed choices is looking at what actually will have consequences, positively or negatively, down the line. In five years, will you regret that you didn’t spend enough time responding to email or doing laundry? Or will you regret not taking on an ambitious but fulfilling project at work, or not carving out family time on the weekend? This is how our priorities come into sharp relief—we look at what we wish we had done. Then, we make choices accordingly.
4. Identify what is realistic and how to make it happen.
Sometimes when a client comes to me with a significant degree of overwhelm, I ask, “What does an ideal week look like to you?” Maybe they’ll say, “I wake up and go to the gym every morning, then I walk the dog, then get the baby to daycare, and then go to work”—all of which requires getting up at 4 a.m. daily. So then I say, “What is realistic?” Maybe they adjust to going to the gym two or three times a week in order to prioritize sleep, but also reflect on who can help them get there. Maybe the spouse or partner or another relative could take over daycare drop-off or dog walking on those days; maybe there are alternate childcare arrangements (like at the gym itself); maybe they can go running with the baby in a jogging stroller.
5. Reframe the idea of “help.”
A lot of my clients, particularly women, have a lot of trouble asking for help. They have a notion that, in order to be successful, they have to be doing absolutely everything themselves—and they see no room to offload any of the tasks they take on. At the same time, they are quick to take on tasks for everyone who asks. I work with these clients to surface two facts: If you’re helping everyone else all the time, you’re not going to be able to take care of yourself; and you’re also not actually “helping” everyone if you prevent them from doing things that will allow them to grow. This goes for co-workers, children, co-parents and everyone else whose tasks you are taking over. Learning to say, “I need you to do this” is important for creating space.
When people come to me and say, “How do you do it all?” I answer honestly: “I don’t.” In fact, at one point, I chose intentionally to step back from my career and focus on raising my children. It was something that was very important for me to do, in part because I knew I couldn’t “do it all” simultaneously and still do it well. A lot of people, particularly driven women, get stuck in the mindset that if they set even one toe off the career track, even temporarily, they will never regain their footing. But this is no longer true. Increasingly, there are ways to pivot or continue along the same trajectory even after time away. The key is to remain abreast of industry changes and to stay relevant and intentional in your choices. In this manner, you can continue to chart your own course.
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