Leadership cultivator, innovation incubator and thought leadership coach. Co-Founder of BlueEggLeadership leadership originator coaching.
getty
Perhaps one of the most sought-after communication areas is how to work with others when there is a disagreement that could lead to a stall or a shutdown. We've all heard of the ego, but perhaps we have not realized how often it gets triggered and results in conflicts or poor choices. This happens often in leadership and entrepreneurship, and it can get in the way of powerful relationships and results. As a neuroleadership coach, I teach a five-step strategy to help leaders navigate the ego out of the way.
The Ego And Its Four Horsemen
To start with, the ego, in my field, is the inner critic that tells people one of three things: they don't belong; they're not worthy; they are alone. When someone is given a task or a project and it doesn't go as planned, the ego steps in and tells them one of these three things. We can tell when someone’s ego is triggered when they use the words "right" and "wrong": "I did it correctly," "It should have been this way," "It's always been..." These ego-driven phrases can then set off the next person.
Another way to know if we've triggered the ego is to see if the person is using behaviors that The Gottman Institute calls "the Four Horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Although The Gottman Institute analyzes these elements within romantic relationships, they can also be demonstrated in workplace relationships.
• Criticism is when someone offers a counter-critique or points out an issue with the other person, instead of acknowledging their ego was triggered.
• Contempt is when someone treats another with disrespect, sarcasm, blame or name-calling in order to deflect from how they are feeling or because they want the other person to feel as rejected as they do.
• Defensiveness is usually a response to what feels like a correction, a criticism or a pointing out of a mistake. When someone gets defensive, there is no space to move the conversation.
• Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt; it's when the person shuts down completely.
So how do we move forward when our ego is triggered? After all, it happens to all of us, and it does get in the way of powerful relationships and results.
Five Steps To Follow When The Ego Is Triggered
I call this strategy NNALC: Notice, neutralize, acknowledge, link and create.
Step 1: Notice.
First, we need to gain awareness of how this trigger shows up. So notice if your inner critic has triggered you. Also be aware that when somebody else is triggered, it most likely will trigger your own ego. Start by simply being aware that the ego has been triggered and will get in the way of powerful results.
Step 2: Neutralize.
Inwardly, simply say, "Oh interesting, my ego is triggered," or "I notice someone was triggered." Take several deep breaths to calm down and create appreciation for the person who has triggered you. After all, this person probably has positive intentions.
In this step, you'll also want to ask: What is the highest intention for the results of this relationship or group? What is possible once we're past the ego? What if it isn't about being right or wrong, it's simply about gaining understanding and being curious?
Step 3: Acknowledge any gains.
The next practice is to acknowledge what went well or the gain that has already occurred. For example, if someone feels like they must defend how they did something, and you can feel the tension, once you neutralize your own ego, you might say something like, "Yes, these steps were actively taken, and it's a great win for the project."
We want to acknowledge people and let them know we see what is done well, which could neutralize their own trigger. We don't want people to have to defend or prove themselves. That game always results in a loss.
Step 4: Link to possibilities for insight, actions, investigation and learning.
After acknowledging gains, make room for what else is possible.
For example, "I'm hearing that there is space to investigate more around [problem issue]. That is very encouraging. Who would like to take that action forward?" Or: "This is a great opportunity to learn and pivot this part of the project. What are a few ideas that come to mind that we can explore?" Or: "I can tell everyone has this group’s best interest at heart and is excited for this project to have the best possible result [here you might express the vision for the best result of this relationship or group]. What are some avenues for bringing more talent to this?"
Step 5: Create a vision for moving forward.
This step involves using emotionally neutral language around accountability to create action that will improve the project or connect the relationship to a higher level. Once you make it to this step, the group or person should be calm and open to seeing possibilities of what can take place to create the best possible result, a higher expectation or an ideal resolution.
Conclusion
It's such a powerful tool for leaders and team members to really understand what ego triggers look like and to have tools to navigate them.
The first step is simply being aware that when our or another's ego is triggered, we want to calm and navigate it, not provoke it (as most people tend to do). The ego trigger is very contagious and gets in the way of trust and resolution. By using this five-step NNALC strategy, you can move to the other side of the ego to success.
Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
