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Our capacity for compassion determines how fully we can live lives of connection. While perhaps obvious on the personal level, this is also profoundly true for how well we function in our workplace.
Executives who know how to relate to others sensitively, supporting them during good times and bad, become great leaders. They bring out the best in their teams by creating safe and trusting environments. And research shows that making others feel good also increases your own personal happiness. Win-win.
The Need For Both Internal And External Compassion
It starts within. When we’re first compassionate to all parts of ourselves—even those we aren’t the proudest of—we offer an invitation for others to show up with their whole selves. That shared mutual vulnerability and openness allows us to engage authentically. There’s a reason why flight attendants say, "Put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help anyone else."
Conversely, when people suffer, if we do nothing to help, there is no hope of healing ourselves. When someone on our team is having difficulty, we must make an effort to help, even if it’s just by lending a caring ear, as everyone’s ability to contribute healthfully will affect how our enterprises thrive (or not). We all want to be seen, heard and validated.
Personally, I’ve done external work to mitigate against anyone being wounded while also doing internal healing work to recover from personal trauma. I’ve met and worked with people who focus on one or the other, but I believe it’s essential to do both for truly transformational outcomes.
I once teemed with rage and grief about the person who abused me and those who did nothing to stop it. I learned to own those emotions—typically viewed as negative—and put words to my feelings. As my capacity grew, I realized that carrying all that hatred and sorrow around was only hurting me. Ultimately, I was able to release it.
Compassion In The Workplace
The same principles apply in the work environment. When we are shackled by old wounds, we might "act out," consciously or unconsciously, and hurt others. So we need to learn how to manage our anger, whatever its source. Vengeance begets more vengeance; an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. Embracing that insight empowers us to practice restorative instead of retributive justice.
In the office, this means learning to pay attention to your body signals when you begin to feel upset, then breathing deeply to release your tension. The old adage that says to count to three before responding allows you to be calmer in your professional interactions whether with a superior, a direct report or a peer. This makes you a bigger person.
I once had the privilege to view this type of largesse, exemplified by Nelson Mandela. After attending his inauguration as a guest of state, I wrote in my journal, "It is difficult to pinpoint the most profound moment. Perhaps it was watching Mandela with his hand over his heart as first we sang 'Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika / God Bless Africa,' which until recently was the banned Black African national anthem... and then... keeping his hand over his heart as we sang 'Die Stem van Suid-Afrika / The Call of South Africa,' which until now was the Afrikaner national anthem."
Singing both songs sent a clear message of unity to a nation that had been hatefully divided. What a gorgeous lesson! If bitter enemies can find ways to relate, there’s always hope for reconciliation with those who cause us problems.
How To Get Started
But to accomplish this, you have to show up as your whole self, in all its messiness, and to relate from that place. Take time to be introspective, dig in and find out what holds you back. For me, it’s fear of rejection.
Then muster your courage to begin to connect with compassion. Reach out to someone you may have trouble with but upon whom you rely (e.g., a coworker in another department who’s always behind deadline but whose work you need to complete your own objectives on time and within budget). Ask what’s happening in their lives. Don’t try this with egoist, competitive folks; start in a safer situation, with a colleague you think you can trust.
Just like you build physical muscles at your gym workout, you’ll steadily build the emotional, psychological and intellectual muscles to be compassionate and connected more frequently in ever-broadening concentric circles. As you grow your ability, I guarantee that you’ll be happier, healthier and more effective. And you’ll simultaneously help everyone around you become more authentic and more fulfilled. Since love is the opposite of fear, through connectedness, you can become a great leader in whatever sphere you operate.
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