We know from decades worth of research that women aren’t as good as they think they are. They’re actually much better.
Women cross-culturally tend to have lower self-esteem, are more likely to suffer from perfectionism and never feeling good enough, experience greater levels of self-doubt and are more likely to underestimate their abilities. One view to explain this comes from developmental psychology, which suggests that women have experienced years of conditioning about how they “ought” to be. Young girls are often rewarded for “playing nice” and being cooperative and helpful, whereas young boys are often rewarded for bravery, being competitive and risk-taking. Young girls are more often taught to care about what others think, sometimes leading to a deep-rooted need for validation and approval as adult women. This holds them back from opportunities, from taking risks important to their career advancement and from reaching their potential.
Here are ten easy ways women can reframe the narrative in their heads that tell them they’re not good enough in order to help themselves become more realistic in their self-appraisals — and men, these may apply to you, too!
1. Own your achievements. Others, luck, timing. These are what women often claim are the reasons for any key successes — “I was in the right place at the right time” or “I just have an amazing team… I can’t take the credit.” I hear this most when women are accepting awards for their achievements, and this trait has been demonstrated in research (registration required) for decades. Of course, acknowledge others where they need recognition, but don’t underplay your successes. Acknowledge what you’ve achieved. Recognize the effort and skill you’ve applied, and own it. You are not an imposter.
2. Don’t blame yourself for everything. Some women tend to self-blame (paywall) when things don’t work out and respond with, “See, I knew I didn’t have what it takes.” It’s called internal attribution, where many men are far better at external attribution if things don’t work in their favor, responding with, “That was a tough client” or “The market’s just really challenging right now.” If your project doesn’t get delivered on time or if you lose a major client, don’t immediately blame yourself. Acknowledge that the outcome may have been impacted by factors outside your control.
3. Have more faith in your ability to progress. A Hewlett Packard internal report shared that men will apply for a job when they have 60% of the prerequisites. Women won’t apply unless they meet 100%. The same thing applies when women say they “don’t feel ready” for an opportunity at work or taking a risk that could catapult their career progress. Just back yourself and go for it.
4. Surround yourself with people who build you up. In my TEDx Talk, I speak about the Pygmalion Effect, which is where the expectations of others can have an influence on your performance. If you’re surrounded by people who believe in you, you’ll be far more likely to succeed. So make sure you’re deliberate about who is in your inner circle because they could be crucial to your success.
5. Develop a regular gratitude practice. Your brain is designed to magnify what you focus on. When you develop a regular practice of expressing gratitude for what you have, it boosts your happiness. It’s also been shown to have a positive effect on your confidence and self-esteem.
6. Realize that your brain is wired to help you when under pressure. In the female brain, the hippocampus is larger, and when under pressure, it receives more blood flow. The female brain also has a more fully developed prefrontal cortex, and the corpus callosum is 10% thicker. Taken collectively, this means that when faced with pressure, women have a tendency to consider more variables, explore more bigger-picture solutions and consider the impacts to all stakeholders. So remember, your brain is wired to help you in times of pressure.
7. Reframe crisis and opportunity. When under pressure, whether because of an important work-related decision or having to give an important presentation, women are found to experience more intense physical manifestations of pressure than do men, and these physical sensations can derail them quickly. You need to learn to reframe nerves as excitement. Reframe the situation as an opportunity rather than a potential crisis or threat. When you do this, your body produces adrenaline, which helps relax the muscles lining your blood vessels, ensuring more oxygenated blood gets to the organs and muscles that need it (like your brain). You’ll be able to think more clearly, have more energy and achieve a far better outcome.
8. Seek out role models. You can’t be what you can’t see. A study reported in Harvard Business Review (registration required) found that of the 53 most popular case studies used in MBA programs, women were absent in nearly half, and only 7 of them had a woman feature as the protagonist. This reinforces a very gendered male view of leadership. So, what you need to do is proactively seek out successful women who you resonate with so you have role models who reflect a style of leadership that is closer to your authentic approach.
9. Don’t apologize for having an opinion. Women are more likely to apologize than men, which in the workplace translates to, “Sorry if this is a silly idea, but…” or, “Sorry I didn’t get back to your email.” This reinforces the incorrect notion that you may have done something wrong (when you haven’t), undermines your power and can lead to excessive self-guilt. Simply speak your mind and recognize the value you bring to the table.
10. Embrace who you are authentically, not who you’ve been conditioned to be. We all have a combination of both “feminine” and “masculine” strengths, and we owe it to ourselves to embrace them all. This means embracing your empathy, consideration and nurturing style in the office along with your assertiveness, confidence and competitiveness. It’s not about molding to fit a stereotype that we believe others want us to conform to. You do you. Everyone else is taken.
