Top 5 tips when navigating between the “catty” and “nurturing” world of women so that you can always be the best version of yourself. I am blessed to have learned these tips from amazing women who are the epitome of successful women supporting other women themselves.
“You are whole, perfect and complete the way you are and the way you are not!”
Dr Izdihar Jamil, #1 International Bestselling Author.
“Oh so you’re just a housewife?”, a young lady who just got hired by a prominent employer asked me at a party. I was heartbroken. Is that all that she sees in me, “just a housewife”? I can feel the shame and humiliation creeping in tand I just wanted to cry and run away from the party.
What about the fact that I work non-stop looking after two young children? What about the fact that I left a highly secure job and moved to America so that my husband can have his dream job? What about the fact that I have a Ph.D. from one of the most prestigious universities in England? What about the fact that I was the project leader of a multi-award winning mobile app? Or what about the fact that I cooked meals for my friends when they were not feeling well so they can focus on their healing?
When I shared my story with Doria Cordova, the CEO of Money and You and the Accelerated Business School, she told me to stand up for myself. She said that I should own being a housewife and also stand up to my achievements. She said that the next time that happens, call that person up and say “Hey, I know you called me a housewife yesterday. I also want you to know that I’m an Entrepreneur and a #1 International Bestselling Author. I’m a money manager, teacher, and doctor to my family. I also have a Ph.D. and I would appreciate it the next time that you would acknowledge that too!”. Check out our conversation in our TED Ed Interview.
I was stunned by Doria’s response. When I reflected back, the reason that I felt hurt was because I was shameful of being a housewife. Let’s face it, it isn’t something glamorous. I felt that I wasn’t enough. But the truth is it hurts because I didn’t fully embrace the real me. When I fully embrace myself, who I am and who I am not, I restore the power back to me. I am a housewife and I am also more.
Behind the lipstick and the glamour, it can be a “catty” world out there where women shamefully hurt other women. No one speaks much about it but it exists. As women, it is in our DNA to be a nurturing being. That’s why we are designed to be mothers. So to put other women down is totally against our nature. It’s ugly and has brought many women to depression.
About one in eight women can expect to develop clinical depression during their lifetime due to various circumstances
National Institute of Mental Health, Unpublished Epidemiological Catchment Area Analyses, (1999).
However behind the lipstick and glamour there is also a “nurturing” world where women are backing and supporting other women. Where women are lifting each other and celebrating each other’s success.
Here are my top 5 tips when navigating between the “catty” and “nurturing” world so that you can always be the best version of yourself. I am blessed to have learned these tips from amazing women themselves who are the epitome of successful women supporting other women.
#1 Boundaries
As a business coach who uses social media as her number one tool to get clients, there is often a vicious but unsaid expectation of being “24-7” in demand. I’ve had clients and potential clients calling, messaging and emailing me at midnight, weekends, early mornings. When I don’t respond during my downtime, they get really demanding and harsh. Where does the line stop? It can be exhausting, consuming and frustrating which lead to me being burned out.
Carly Hope, a Sales Coach told me that when I get hurt it means that I have allowed them to break through my boundaries. She constantly reminds me that when that happens, I need to process my feelings (prayers, journaling, meditating etc) and reaffirm my boundaries. The only reason they are able to push through is because I allowed them to. For example, my working hours are Monday- Thursday 9 a.m. – 3 p.m. People can interact with me via email or social media and no personal number allowed.
#2 Business Model
Vanessa Ogden Moss, a 7 Figure Coach asked me, “Are you creating such that they need you instead of giving them a system to empower them?”. Totally- I felt that they needed me if not they wouldn’t be able to take the next step. Then she told me, “You need to change your business model!”. She showed me how and so I did it! I created an online course and automate my business so that thousands of clients can be empowered to get results without me having me online 24-7.
#3 Keep You Safe First
I have been called horrible names by women. I have been told to go to hell. I have been told that I’m unethical (after I have helped them!). I have been told that I’m a bad mom. What kind of person would do that to another? So you can imagine what this does to my confidence. I felt like a horrible person even though all I want to do is help them.
“When people say anything inappropriate to you, you immediately block them so that you don’t allow them to do it to you twice!”, Tamie M Joyce an Empowerment Coach told me. I’ve lived by this principle since. I have to keep myself safe first and foremost. It’s in my non-negotiable boundaries that people respect and value my expertise even if they disagree with it. If not, “Goodbye!” and I’ll block them. Keeping myself safe is key to my well being so that I can be the best version of myself to help other women.
Caroline Labour, a Money Coach, taught me to do some tapping exercise to release the physical tension in my body. When I feel stressed or a tightness in my chest, I would tap at a few points and release the tension in my body so that I could breathe again.
#4 Circle of Trust
“I don’t feel that you’re a good fit for my book project project because I don’t feel that you are aligned with my vision!”, I told a coach. Needless to say that she was angry with me and didn’t sound happy. I felt like a horrible person for saying that but in my heart I knew that she wasn’t a good fit. It wasn’t because of her credibility or that she’s not a good person. It’s just that our vision didn’t align.
I was upset and shared it with my best friend who is also a Mumprenuer, B.H. She reminded me that it doesn’t work for me to work with people who don’t share my vision. It’s OK for me to let go. She said that I am not responsible for her feelings and that I am only responsible for my feelings. More importantly she reminded me that I am kind and enough.
Linda Morrison, a Business Coach reminded me that I am kind and smart. Luana Ribeira, a Media Coach told me, “She is not my ideal clients!”. Razia Naqvi-Jukes, a famous branding photographer told me “It’s not you, it’s them! So don’t worry about them!”. Yes why worry about them because I know who I am.
Having a circle of women that you trust is key to help pick you up when you’re at your lowest. They are kind, nurturing and caring women who would stand by you no matter what.
#5 Bring The Power Back To You
When you put someone down and get angry or upset with people you are essentially giving your power away to them. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing because when you forgive someone you bring the power back to you. You’re restoring your strength and your greatness. So forgive them, bless them and pray for them. You are letting them go from your life. Then you are free from them and have a breathing space to live an empowered life.
Know who you are and that you are whole, perfect and complete the way you are and the way you are not. You are kind, generous, strong, smart, beautiful and sexy. Tell yourself positive things and beat your own drum because you are an extra-ordinary human being.
The women in your circle of trust also love to celebrate your success. Susie More, a Life Coach celebrated with me when my first article was published at Thrive Global. Vanessa, Carly, B.H. Razia and all the women in my trust circle love hearing me brag my wins. They understand that when women celebrate each others’ success our confidence and vibration rises and we’ll get even more successful.
Action Plan
So here are three actions plans that you can put in place to help to safeguard your wellbeing:
- List down your boundaries- what is acceptable and what is not
- Immediately block people who are negative and are putting you down in social media
- List 3 people that you can include in your circle of trust.
So behind the lipstick and glamour of the female word, you can expect to find a “catty” and the “nurturing” world. At any moment of time, you get to choose how you deal with it. Knowing that you’ve got your sisters supporting and backing you means that you’re never alone. It means that when you’re down your sisters will be there to pick you up and lift you up so you can rise higher than before.
Let’s set the intention to be a women who supports and celebrates other women so that we all can be successful and have the best possible life!
“When women support other women, our collective energies can cause incredible things to happen”!”
Doria Cordova, CEO of Money And You and Accelerated Business School